[reflection]: Good Friday, Good conversation

In hard days, you kept wondering about life and whatever that you have done that helped you to sustain, and you often think about them as losing battles, especially when depression starts kicking in. In those lonely days, I may have perhaps contemplated a few options: to either ignore those depressions and start doing things that is totally against my conscience and inner heart so that I can be numb of the feelings, or that I would hide inner thoughts and reflections, seal them in a journal (something like what I would write on this blog site) and let the next day be a brand new day.

Most of the time I doubt its effect on healing for the later option, but it seems to me the most feasible options that will at least attend to my conscience. I don't usually voice out even at times when the thoughts became too heavy and too much for an individual to take over. So over the years I would absorb those impact, in a self-sacrificing attempt - and imagine in my own world a place where heroes exist to take my burdens away.

Today, after those long years, I was very much liberated to have that opportunity of having someone hearing me and take the impact head-on, listen attentively and tells me that I am of value, especially my thoughts and my deeds - unadulterated. I am glad for friendship like this, and I feel exceptionally sad that this friendship is often misunderstood in our secular world as 'agenda-based'. It is not in the case of mine, because I believe the listening party deliberately take his time to listen. Thus, both of us learned the art of friendship through such conversation and how one lifted up another person through listening.

A lunch conversation over after a church service doesn't mean a lot, but it meant the world to me. It may go somewhere, but it is the honesty that I have tried to project on for years (which the workplace failed me many times) that allowed the vulnerability to be worked upon with grace and mercy. And it reminded me of the Good News, which is the end of the purpose for the Good Friday.

I thank God, for such revelation of the purposes of years of me taking in those contemplation and hurtful thoughts - to find beauty in uplifting the worship team and to give them my feedback. The years when I felt so lost and strayed - to have find its purposes after 7 years of keeping silence - and to have one person who is willing to listen and look into the option of growing people - I cannot believe that it is the intention of us individual that makes this happen. It is the intention of God, through Jesus' sacrifice - that allow even the grimiest part of life to end up being part of the beautiful portrait of the Body of Christ.

Thank You. Thank You.

Convicting Good Friday

It's already heart wrenching to watch a snapshot of The Passion of Christ, of which he is nailed to the cross.

It's even more convicting to see human trafficking and the poor in Singapore amplified through the AV and I saw it up front.

My heart was crying. Not just because of social justice. But because I was part of the problem. The demand for gratifying my own selfish desire. 

My humanity has fallen. My sinfulness exposed. And Jesus took that in the cross. And He said, 'Forgive them... For they do not know what they are doing'.

Father. Thank you for the cross. Thank you.