Think back on the days that I have gotten myself in a deep mire. Of which - in many chapters of my life that I have brought myself together into: deceit, betrayal, mistrust, isolation - eventually depression.
And I start to realize that it all starts with the idea of wanting to be complicated. Complicated in thought process, at least.
During my younger days, when I start to write alternative blogs (dirt-ren being my usual pseudo-name when identified online) I always tend to put myself as a complicated child with multiple complex disorder. Going through difficult times since young, I often looked at myself to be constantly misunderstood and difficult to comprehend. Usually, the gatherings with my friends end up in stalemate mainly in my own mind - thinking of the alternate reality that they actually lived in their own personal space.
Then, of course, comes the romantic relationship with multiple people that I know of. Slightly more melancholic compared to Hollywood romance, there's complicated circumstances where I love the other, and the other doesn't and we all went around loving others. Puppy love to lusty love - things can go pretty much unconventionally sinful.
I don't think I have the wisdom of the wise and elderly to give this input to carry the weight, but I felt that up to this point, I began to appreciate life in its simplicity. And I believe, in simplicity we have brought a lot of very important and crucial details to its most precise meaning and sole purpose. We spent too much time organizing meetings talking about objectives, while rebels outside tried very hard to dispel and came out with their own protocol (which however hard they try, it seems apparent that its another set of rules built with complicated circumstances). In the end, what we achieved are institutions bogged down with own sets of complexity that people are 'proud of' because they thought they have come up with a system.
Conformity destruction, perhaps.
Reflecting upon my recent readings from Philip Yancey's 'Church, Why Bother?' and some recent occurrence in my worship ministry and my workplace, I have found an important truth in handling all these issues: when viewed in simplicity, you put yourself in proper perspective of things.
Playing as a bassist for 7 years in my church, I grew from playing too much to playing too confusing. When I first began, I like to do a lot of metal licks on my bass, even though we are in a contemporary 'worship-led' music, because of my first love for music for heavy metal. Lots of unwanted syncopated notes starts running here and there. A keyboardist during that time in my church (presently a regular session player in Manhattan as a jazz keyboardist) told me try to keep things in the root, and listen to the kick. Little did I realize that I took 7 years, with a lot of taming from my music exposure, to realize the importance of simplicity - and ironically it is also being emphasized recently by another keyboardist.
I shared in the recent experience with them, how I felt the importance of keeping things in the basics - by starting to listen out for people, to look out for the cues of what other people play, I am losing self-awareness and starting to be more conscious to look out for people. In short, it became less-me-and-more-others. This perspective gave me new insights, especially when I am serving in church on volunteering basis. Precisely because of serving, I should look at my role as an instrument, not a right. A means to serve, not the end of the serving. I do want to get acknowledgment, and hope that people starts saying how good I am, but I realize that in turn I am forcing pride on me, making it another vices away from servitude. It humbles me to realize how great a band can sound when everyone looks out to compliment each other, not to overplay one another.
In my workplace, I often found protocols for inter-department to be a terrible impediment towards efficiency, despite the constant emphasis of the importance to respect the workflow. Strangely, after those propaganda throughout the general meeting, the same management group will draw us into closer circle within smaller room, and announce that we have the authority to overrule the present protocols because we are of management roles. So long as accountability exists between management and approval with top management is done, things should be alright, according to the main guy running the show. I find such statement stale of consistency, though I felt that in his management role, he has reluctantly admit the ridiculous protocols to have slowed things down rather than empowering them. Many a time, I would reflect on the company direction and re-interpret them so that when I organize my own engineering team discussion, informally I would try to reflect the single most important idea that they should put hold onto. It is hard, because at times I may mis-inform my engineers about my management is more concerned with, but I do know that at the end, results are all that matters to them.
And I am sometimes saddened to hear that all my management is concerned about is figures and facts, sadly a conformity towards what the society is teaching us - efficient to the bones. On recent note, when my grandma passed away (the last grandparent that I know, and the one actually closest to me - I stayed at her premise during the period of which I found my gift in music) and I told my management about this, I was dumbfounded by a passing remark by the man running the show: "Life is fleeting, and we all will pass away eventually. That's why you need to start working hard to make this company eternal".
Eternal?
Effectively telling us to commit our souls to the company (his company to be correct), I went back home thinking about life and all its meaning, making it even the more important point to leave this company at some juncture.
Of which I start to ask questions: so what is my calling?
I am very surprised that when I start to self-evaluate myself to this degree, I realize that all that is require is to listen to His voice, and be still in His presence. With all the running technology impressing upon us the need to be prompt and attentive to all things all the time, we often forget to give space to simple living, simple giving, simple praying.
Do not get me wrong though. I do not encourage reductionist, because when it is misapplied, reductionist tends to reduce even existence to very meaningless objective. That we are all particles randomly collided to become human, that sexual intimacy is greatly overplayed in romance when it is just a form of habitation and survival. No doubt life and its meaning are full of mysteries of which we as human cannot comprehend its full meaning apart from acknowledgment of the existence of God and the Trinity - but we should not also underplay the importance of getting into the basics. Such jargon may seem difficult, unless we look at the perspective of trust and faith - of a child, despite the burdens of the world and all its trauma since the many wars - still lie in solace before a mother, weaning with her milk - looking out through the tainted glass, blood-tainted from the many blood murdered in a war. The solace is not a declaration of ignorance, like many secular reductionist putting it to be - but a trust that there's a Higher Power and that even with the difficulties, there's trust that God will do what's good in its right time.
And so, with this mentality, I continue to find ways to seek God in His presence, deliberately putting aside all the disturbance and the priorities of life, just to be still. And in this reflection, I found much comfort in realizing important of coming back to the basic - to the heart of worship.
Just like the reflection I have for worship service, and also the immense workload I have for work, I start to feel that it is important that I keep to the basics, and make it simple.
A random musings, perhaps.
