[poem]: night is darkest just before the dawn

when darkest looms, and pains arose,
we human tend to shirk by and large,
forgetting our values, our principles,
self-survival of our utmost concerns.

sad on hindsight that we have diminished,
when this could be the best to show the meaning of living,
community upbringing, and showering love,
even when one odds out from all.

however, night is darkest just before the dawn,
a glimmer of hope in the midst of all,
when one uphold the meaning of forgiveness to all,
and decides that all should come to each of their own. 

when all shirk of their role of living, and one stood out,
by loving them despite of their infidelity and failures,
though despise and rejection may come, the light shown through,
like a blossoming daisy in the midst of dried, horrid trunk.

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Father, despite my tendency to return eye for an eye, I pray that in your love that you have bestowed upon me despite my failures and weaknesses, may I draw the strength to live and love those who I hate and resent. That forgiveness comes not from me, but first from the cross that Your Son has demonstrated for us. Father, have mercy onto my soul.

In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

[reflection]: to let go. of presumptions and supplications. and to start over.

[Disclaimer]: This is a random thought written, probably, to clear my thoughts. At times, there are very large discrepancies in terms of thought analysis. Please do not read them as they are. Try to understand the context behind, and it will help you understand what's the eventual outcome and what it takes to get there. Pardon the grammar and the sentence structure. The randomness is not something easy to read as well. 

During my recent stay in a general hospital (of which I used to be the student of the respective school nearby), I remembered the vividness of seeing things around me, and how they respond to one another when it comes to life emergencies. To put into some perspective of what I am talking about – I was warded in the emergency ward on the evening where I suddenly experience near-syncope. Yes, a heart failure. 

The exact scenario isn't very much a pleasant one to elaborate. I was in a train station, making my way back to Malaysia from my home in Singapore, and I was rather tired due to late night before. Waking up early is my usual habit - but compounded with late night it hurts a lot for me. Plus the fact that I have been very much concerned with work ethics, and where my management intends to bring me towards, it has given me some repercussions. On top of that, I am still struggling to balance my work life and my personal life, let alone having a girlfriend. Things were rather difficult to handle to be honest. 

I have learnt, in life, that it is usually a luxury that everything can come in methodological order. Usually, it's either a burst all at once, or that you could have seasons of 'nothingness' in life. I guess in my lifestyle, I am more attracted to burst-ly life. Henceforth on that day, when I was already lacking in sleep, I was handling work on several sites within a Saturday, and the obligation to go back to Malaysia caused my heart to probably finally gave her piece of mind: "Stop!".

To write this blog, to me, is personally difficult in many ways. In one way or another, I have to concede that this is a good wake up call for me. A call to remind myself that I am no superman, and that I cannot handle everything on my own, despite my eagerness to climb up the ladder. And this ladder - it is another presumptuous thoughts I believe. All along I thought I am doing what I have been liking in my life, and now even though I am being given the charge to handle the area that I like, I hate to admit this - I am being thrown into the troughs of political runs that decide me to be the overall leader of many other teams. I am not ready for management role, to be sure, but the idea is not so much of being the managerial role, but the fact that I moved along with ill-advised strategies. The heart failure probably prompts me to think further on this matter. 

I reflected as much as I could during my stay back in Singapore resting in my room, but the mood gets hazy. I saw my laptop, and immediately I distracted myself from the difficult thoughts. I started to lose much of the focus, and decide - like a plaster-patch, to put off the pain by thinking of something nice: playing guitar, writing music, getting away from the pain for a while, thinking that when I come back, the hazy feeling will go off, and I can start to concentrate on what I want to do in life better. 

Yet, I kept pondering about it, and I felt that I haven't gotten anywhere. Is my calling in life to be related in sound/music ministry? I tried not to think too much into the idealistic endeavors and just concentrate on how to treat my parents better and give a better assurance to my future. Especially now that I have a girlfriend, and I need to start not thinking about myself. And yes - didn't I know that I should always do to others what I want others do to me?

And what is it exactly that I want others to do to me? To date, I am still unsure of what I want to do. And that bothers me. My girlfriend has it spot-on when she said that she could tell that I am all over the place. I wasn't concentrating because I don't even know what I want to concentrate in the end. I want a career in music ministry, but I don't know what to do in order to get there. I want a career in sound ministry, but I don't know who are the contacts for me to enhance my sound experience. I want to live a good life, but I don't know how to give myself a good life. I have so much theoretical sounding direction, that I could just elaborate to whoever that is interested - that I am keen to do this and that in order to get there - but they are all empty words. Nothing sound and concrete. I might change my mind the next time I come around. I have no principles, and I followed the wind wherever it goes.

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It is strange that after saying those things, somehow there's a sense of clarity. You finally realized that you never get anywhere, and yet you have so much gift given to you. And as I realized that I found out that the way out is to first scrap off whatever kind of assumption that I can have many options - and decide to start with one and only. And I thought about it hard enough to think that perhaps it might be good to begin with just looking into life's basics. Work matters, life matters and relationship matters. 

A drink of hot chocolate probably brought me to this point of trying to understand myself further. Do I want to give the best of myself first or to give the best of the people that matters to me the most? Would it turn out to be selfish to concentrate on my own betterment for now, rather than giving in time to make sure the people around me gets the best of what they should have? Then it occurs to me that my thought process may not be accurate - how would I know what's best for others if I don't spend time with the others? But then, in that case, would it help if I spend so much time understand them without understanding myself? I got confused somehow.

Hmm. Maybe it is because I have not really learned to love the people around me as myself as much before. In the past, I have learned, albeit the slow-pace manner, to love myself despite all the hurt inflicted in me for years. I begin to realize how much worth I have that is given from God. My listening skill in music and sound appreciation is beyond what I expect myself to be. I don't call my gift Godlike - but I know those gift acquired couldn't be something that I develop on my own, though I do take time to practice. But the time I used to practice will not be able to justify the sharpness and the attentiveness I have towards those subjects. I have close sense on some music notation, the development of a phrase within chorus, the strong refrain that suddenly dip into the bridge to denote an anti-climax - and all these translated in sound appreciation. I know what kind of tools to use to bring out the panning of sound to make the hall sounds fuller, I know how to reduce the impact of reverberation by adding equalization and delays of speakers' response; I know how to configure a certain program and make sound processes work the way it is supposed to be, etc. However, knowing that I have such gifts means nothing if they are never put to practice how to serve the people well. 

And speaking on how to serve people well. Given that I have the expertise - what is the use of having these when my management kept putting me on half-witted effort with the exuberant amount of clients that I need to serve. And the exaggerated level of commitment I am supposed to give to various clients. Now with my role to be just a commissioner, I expect people to know everything while I monitor them. I was just thinking of myself being a junior engineer, and here my management wants me to make sure the team (which mostly include my senior engineers) do the work the management wants them to do. In short, I become an informant rather than a sound engineer.

I got lost. Then with all the commitment I put in work, I found myself difficult to revert back and look for old friends. They seem so far away, as I have spent so much time in work that I have forgotten that I used to have a life out there with friends, with church members, with God. I almost lost them. I thought about my friends back in my university days who kept me in the loop for prayer, and I remembered how fond those memories were. Even though we were just discussing about things, randomly, and we weren't even doing something great for God, those times remind us of our humility and our brokenness. We appreciate who we are and the friends around us. We loved each other and stayed true to each other no matter what happened. 

Gosh, why have I become so competitive that I sounds like a failed experiment?

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It is particularly sad that it took a heart failure to wake me up into this level of realization. Yet, I have a better sense of understanding myself. This writing is a good start, and I hoping that good souls could read this, and if God's willing, he/she could share what's on his/her mind. I have to admit, the writings sound so much like rambling that it might be difficult to be objective enough. However, perhaps it is at this stage of awkward yet immediate rambling that I want to present to close acquaintance so that he/she could see the real me - the confused yet wanted to find a way out of where he is.

I pray that God will use you to tell me, even if those advises that you give will sound extremely difficult for me to take in. It is better that you speak with a heart of God, than to cushion words of comfort that actually hide the fury of hell. 

on mobile@xanga: living among the broken lives

We never understood the meaning of walking in a tight rope between life and death, until we bring ourselves to the literal end of the lifeline.

As I'm hospitalized for the past 2 days, I often wondered about mortality, because I see around me the people who are trying to survive each day as it passes. I'm humbled to be the only one who is curing and getting better while for the rest of those along the ward are still in dire state of unknown, not knowing if they would survive. Perhaps, we should remember that God gives and takes our lives in accordance to His will. Blessed be the name of God.

[short post]: in good and in bad times

In good times, we see even in the darkest mire,
A potential twilight dispersing the scoured moor,
Reminding us that in bright day, 
The moor looks like a beautiful clay pool.

I see the light, easily before me in good times,
How much these hard lessons taught me,
That all hard knocks were meant to strengthen my soul,
Of which hard muscles toned the soul.

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Yet in hard times, reminded as I was,
Of the trauma and the turmoil of the soul,
The disappointment sprouted due to the inefficacy of hard labor,
And so of to wretched path I went on.

The temptation, too great to bear, yet so miserable there after,
That I couldn't bear to live the shame the next day again,
Sorrowful begets me, and repentance is closer then to me,
To seek forgiveness, who else can I reach to?

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In Jesus I found mercy,
Freely given, on the house,
Yet was I not aware,
That the infinite expense of grace... cost His life dearly.

We dare not put mildly the love of Christ,
For His death brought to us new lives in Yahweh,
Yet all the glory and honor took in the form of a shame,
Of the worst that could even be blamed.

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Remember the cost of the sacrifice He laid,
And there hence live as if it is worth the pain,
Even though at times trod-ding path seems inevitable,
But the pain He suffers - it is worth more to live on.

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In good and in bad times. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. 

[short note]: In Christ Alone

To remind myself, that in the midst of many trials (be it self-inflicted due to negligence or circumstantial crisis) that God is with us. We may make mistakes, and it can be quite disheartening, but blessed is those who seek the face of Christ in the midst of one's failure to seek His forgiveness and grace.

In Christ Alone lyrics

By: Stuart Townsend, Keith Getty

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone! who took on flesh Fulness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones he came to save: Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied - For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain: Then bursting forth in glorious Day Up from the grave he rose again! And as He stands in victory Sin's curse has lost its grip on me, For I am His and He is mine - Bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

 

[short post]: reproach and remembrance of Him

In short reproach I beseech myself,
The empathy that sours to apathy,
In life everlasting I forbade myself to receive,
The turn of suffering suddenly comes easily.

I prayed to God with unequivocal confession,
That I may be forgiven a bigger sin than this,
And the Lord forgiven me, with all the blood and toils,
Not in part, but the whole; renewing me in sparkling white.

I confessed, I have made mistakes,
Therefore I subjected myself to felony and agony,
But God from High, in mercy of Jesus Christ,
Took the burden and withdraw the bond I enslaved.

Hence forth my friends, learn in Christ,
Remember His death, His mercy and His obedience,
To live is Christ, to die is gain,
That everlasting communion with King is our gain.

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I have almost forgotten how it is to commune with friends and brothers in Christ, and I felt quite jaded these past few days being in constant move without a sense of direction. Work has taken a toll on me, and I lost my control over what's wrong and right. A recent breakdown in work, and a mismanaged relationship has caused me to lose sight of what God has for me.

Pray that we have an awakening sense of shame that requires God to cleanse and renew us each day. Pray that our pride of self-righteousness will break down in pieces and humiliate us to look to Christ. Pray that when we turn to Christ our ability to see things surface beyond measures. And finally, let our eyes fix upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who in obedience followed the will of God - even till the death of the cross - so that we might live in Christ, and not die in vain.

In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.