Humbled by People I Least Expect to Be...

I thought it through a lot after a certain friend confided to me of someone's predicament and his decision - and I wanted to make a dramatic statement (doing a narrative and my emotional correspondence to this response) on honoring him, but I decide that if I were to do that, I would have gone against the principle of solely dedicating to someone more. However, his predicament by itself really convicted my heart - and truly I would say, it would remind us of the world of fortunate events that we often forgot.

Couple of months back I noted a guy in my working place who I had least regards on. He seemed very well to do, quite assertive yet not jovial. He maintained his integrity where it should be, and always ensure his work is in order. Typically people would like to deal with him in this manner. He is neither too low or too high profile. He has a good background as a design engineer, and my previous acquaintance with him get me to know him slightly more. He is quite a nice guy.

But he can get quite assertive sometimes, so whenever he asked us to help him study some matters, he meant to say that the problem is within our jurisdictions. We had been battered by various department before, so to have another person asserting us our responsibilities can hurt our reputation. I became quite hot-head most of the time because of such predicament. His roles, no doubt, is no exception.

To give a brief background, I am in charge of designing key element features for home theater and hi-fi system for Panasonic. It meant to say that we are the designer team. I am not supposed to give elaborate details on our organization structure, but the design is based in Singapore, in which I am one of the member. My role decides on key feature, and how to integrate them into our system. And this guy is the overall engineer in charge of home theater system. Not a manager but a leader in design team.

Anyway, because of such attitude from him, I tend to dislike him. His assertion is without sympathy. I had to spend nights studying certain problems at work thanks to his request, and me and my senior engineers would solve problems together and try to understand the concept behind. I had my misgivings on him, but I don't suppose it ever reach to a dangerous level. His presence or absence doesn't really bother me. It is just the work attitude. And true too, I always wanted to pursue 'perfections' in my working place, and wanted so much recognition in our design and for once (this upcoming Christmas sales - which will feature our new home theater product) our dreams seem to be coming true.

So when a couple of weeks back a good friend told me, with awkward surprises, that he wanted to tell me something that he felt should be told after his departure, this assertive guy aroused my curiosity. Nevertheless, I still work with him on normal basis, just that I ignored my dislike/like on him without conferring to the work progress.

Today was the first day that he left the company. Remembering my friend's promise, I told him I had the free time to listen to him.

The relating of the story is quite bewildering in itself, so I won't use dialogues here. But his story, this assertive guy... honestly broke my heart.

Apparently, he is the lowest paid engineer in our company. He, being a leader, is the least paid of all engineer - including entry level engineer and some operators. To simply say that he is underpaid actually seemed to me like a understatement.

He championed our previous home theater designs, and worked with all his heart to ensure whole system integration complete and selling to the market. And he worked much more than many of the managers. He even represented his manager to answer some market problems and presented some analysis on this matter. His manager not only shortchanged him, but denied him appraisal and promotion.

He entered into our company as an operator, as a polytechnic graduates. Seeing how much he was shortchanged, he further his studies to ensure a good degree from a reputable university in Singapore. Even the degree (despite part time and earned him a First Class Honors) he remained at the same pay as his initial entrance pay. He sought help from his general manager. The general manager procrastinated his appraisal's request, citing difficult HR.

He had other misgivings as well. At one major market recall presentation, all the managers are required to attend. This is held in another country, quite further up from Singapore. His immediate manager requested his presence because his manager felt that he is technically sound and highly qualified to answer the problem. At the meeting - the Managing Director raised some of his concerns (on managerial role) to the floor for answers. Every manager looked at his manager, and his manager directed all the eye stares at this poor engineer. One sensitive manager, known for his diplomatic yet occasionally humorous dealings, helped to ease the stares by dropping his comments and offered to give his insights.

That event alone could have caused many to turn away and throw in a resignation letter, but he held on for 3 years, after the event. 3 years.

His continuous pleading to the managers was, in return, in vain. The director started to take notice of a wrong treatment, but the manager managed to convince the director things are running well. So, when the fourth time the engineer sought the manager, it was a pay rise request that was armed with a resignation letter - which in the end was utilized.

The story could have been told to remind me of how bad the manager was, who was actually indirectly dealing with us at the present moment. The story could have been told to stir the heart to leave the company, knowing how bad the system was, and how unfair the system has treated every worker, especially this one guy who I used to think of as highly technically sound yet slightly assertive. But the poignancy of the story doesn't fall into these.

Rather, I was ashamed. I was guilty to think that I deserved better. When there's a guy who clearly deserved better - and took on this difficult road for 6 years, and cling on till the end.

I almost wanted to weep after hearing from my friend. My friend, who used to be wanting to be competitive and seeking to be on the top, now felt remorseful because of such a humble spirit to persevere. He knew that this poor engineer loved this company, but he never expect the love to be this sacrificial. My friend felt guilty thinking of how selfish he had thought of himself, and decided to learn to be thankful each day.

He asked me how I think, after hearing. I told him I need to recover.

Frankly, it wasn't that I don't have anything in mind. I had, but the strongest things that were in mind were these: his humility, and my humble lesson of being a witness to Christ.

I know of stories of people dying of hunger in Africa, Middle East or even in South East Asia, but I never realized that stories like this poor engineer also compelled heart breaking stories of human survival. He is earning so little yet his contribution speaks so much. All of you in the world are able to enjoy Panasonic Home Theater from HT550 till PT480 because of his major contribution to the sound design and system integration. I am not kidding. His contribution can speak of volumes. I am greatly ashamed that I looked so far into the Third World countries that I forgot that God has also meant the least of the brothers and sisters around my working place - a place I least likely to think as of my ministry.

Secondly, to have such a testimony from a typical guy, normal guy-next-door, without much get ups, and do his job well and hard - and it compelled both of us (me and my good friend) close to tears is something. My friend, particularly, felt that his previous way of living is undeniably selfish, and to have such a guy of our generation to be so keen to do the task well and not asking for much more except a pay rise - to him that is humility. To me, however, I felt that I have not been a faithful servant of Christ Himself. Every day I sought to have my agendas heard, and I sometimes argued with some people just to get things done. I have gained a reputation, to some, to be quick-tempered. I am reflecting on that, but it had never been so much an issue - until I looked at him.

A look at his seating table, vacant now, reminded me of his humility. And I believe, it will be a lesson to learn every day.

The Aftermath of Pride

I watched the news on 23 August in front of my TV, after my dad hysterically messaged me of a live-footage of Manila hijack on TV. It was about 720 pm.

I remembered watching the news, seeing the gunshots, and blood spilled on the windscreen and the side windows of the bus. I do not know if it was shot inward or outward.

The event was seemingly dramatic. I almost double-guessed my vision, to see if I was actually watching live footage, not some 'documentary-like' movie show.

It was a bleak Monday.

I remembered having a strong thought in my head, especially when the gunman was shot down, close to 8 pm. And the slumped body struck onto a sharp shrapnel of the bus door, instantly killed him through the heart.

It was bleak, very bleak.

And when I looked at the entire footage, I have strong thoughts that gripped me into reality.

"This is the visual, physical effect it had when we pushed our agendas too hard on each other, and no one wants to come to a common consensus, peacefully."

I read a bit of the history of the footage, and what triggered the event. 

Poor police officer. He had no intention to gain leverage through the hostages. He merely wanted his position reinstated, and he chanced upon a tourist bus, which could be a good ground for announcing his intention. Perhaps, if he had hijacked a normal commuting bus, the dramatic effect would not have commemorated. 

And he had asked the driver to provided food for the hostages, and ensured to have air-conditioning. He 'leveraged' on the hostages by establishing bond with them. 

The police almost had all the hostages saved. In the earlier part of the negotiations, they were willing to consider the reinstatement of Mr. Rolando Mendoza into the police force. He used to be a good soldier of justice, just that one misgivings on drug and extortion accusation.

I am not saying that he is innocent. Neither am I saying that there's someone innocent here. On theological background.

But I am saddened by the fact that as the night fall, the police insisted on 'judging him fairly', but denying his reinstatement.

That's when the hell broke loose. Bus shut down, door closed, and the hijacker declared, "I will shoot 2 Chinese. Just to prove my point. Anyway, you guys will kill me in the end."

From 2 to 9 hostages, all in the name of 'pride - and fairness'.

I looked at this event, and how it eerily resembled our daily activities in life. 

"Eye for an eye."

When we have our agendas being challenged, especially when we stood strong ground thinking that our agenda is well-intended and for the better, we argued our way out.

I dare say that many times, in my working place, I tried very hard to assert my point, to let people see my view of which I think is the best for the company's interest, only to find that I have to actually exert anger and strict command on my colleague.

I may have succeeded in doing something in the end, but the succession is short of relational aptitude. At worst, I may have done a good job, but I lost the focus, and possibly a friend.

In the event of the hijack, both the police and the hijacker would want their ideals met. Both clashes. And in the end, no compromise, and 9 hostages were killed in the process.

This may not be an easy reflection, especially when we know that our agendas are as important. 

Therefore, I looked into the event as a whole, understanding the context, to grasp the lesson learnt.

We hope to have our agendas met, but how often do we see the big picture of the event itself?

21 tourists, coming to Philippines, with the hope of knowing more of the country, and possibly enjoying themselves there, ended up in misery. Especially when the 9 were killed. 

These tourists probably may have contributed to the country's impoverished financial state. Tourism is definitely a definite boost. Already 3 years back, a similar hijack happened. It is fortunate that no casualties were resulted. And few days back, during the weekends, robberies across Manila with gunshots on foreigners were reported.

Hong Kong declared, in the aftermath of this hijack, that Philippines will be under the 'blacklisted country' for tourism. Such declaration is abnormal. Hong Kong would have a list, but that is consistent with the British Columbia's (or the Commonwealth community) list of blacklisted countries, like Iran, North Korea, etc. 

If both the police and the hijacker thought about this, looking at the bigger picture - and realized how much damage they would incur solely based on this event (perhaps not the blacklist, but the hurting of the tourism industry is definitely within the grasp of their imagination at that time), would they resort to 'stood their ground and not giving way to the other'?

Neither of the two parties were thinking straight. 

But that should not be limited to only them. I, too, fall into this many times.

When I do evaluations on my home theater sets, when I have certain design standards I want to keep, I pushed very hard on the other group to comply, and even to do what is necessary to keep the schedules and the deadlines. However what I often forget, in the end, is that does all these design matters when we consider the big picture of what our company originally intended? Our founder's motto can be summarized in a life of servitude to the people of Japan. If, by asserting that the other team should comply to our demand became our motto, then we are selfishly asserting our authorities in order to get something done.

But it could have been that we are the ones who should be doing something pertaining our position. For example, if some part of our design we can help the other department to solve, why not on our side? Yes, it may have been more difficult, but the end result could have conjured a better scenario than us choking on each other's throat.

I believe there are some other design that the other teams have to do, and we should not give way to their leniency. However, the guide for such discernment should always be consistent to the bigger picture of the company's interest - the act of servitude.

How often we forget... how often we let loose... only to see ourselves in the worst state of situation, despite us upholding our agendas - in our sticks and bones.

What Really Matters

Give up:
Sometimes, the truth hurts. Very much.
In all that is shared, you don't want to hear what's really in the heart of hers.
But, well...

I guess that is supposed to be. Unless otherwise.
I know all too well, my desperation for a short term goal.
Thinking that...

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Period, probably.
But the consequence of life after those fleeting moments are never thought of.
Which is why...

The call yesterday was a painful. Yet relieving one.
It's a sober wake up call, to dedicate myself and remind myself.
That it's over...

She's someone's else. Not yours at all.
No point trying to garner a friendship with someone you just want to have 'fun'.
No point at all...

Give in:
I woke up, remembering the details...
And an epiphany struck its chords, like the tune of a dark mellow night,
With a hint of dawn breaking - through that crisp red horizon sunlight cutting through.
Remembering the promise.

I used to embrace, remembering that I am not ready...
But I am willing to learn, and I sought the life-transformation in me,
Hoping that one day, that transformation will work itself through daily living.
Reliving that dream.

Two years ago, I told myself...
Never to live like a beast again, and wanting to learn to live properly,
Despite daily's two step back, one step forward, I still want to believe.
That I want to be better for the Gift.

Two years later, I see myself...
Never seems like I have lived my life fully to embrace the opportunity,
Rather, I squandered all, I left it all, to savor that salty dish mish-mashed. 
Now becoming someone same as of yesterday.

Let go:
The dawn reminded me, above all,
That my life has started to move on.
Strangely, when you think you're at the worst,
Seems like it is the easiest to recommit and live.

I now see myself becoming a villain, 
And from this on, I want to make a change.
Hardest perhaps is the hungover after the rejection,
And the pain of the friendship kindled after all.

The pain is unbearable, yes it's true,
Reminds me of the day of the break up - the pale hue.
But strangely, there's a side of uplifting-ness,
For the pale hue is overshadowed by the dear rainbow.

"It's okay, Ren. It's okay.
Learn now, and move on.
'Why do we fall?'
So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Pain is evident, pain is real,
But pain is a bearing of the lesson learned.
We don't grow by living through the sunny days,
But mosts of our growth comes from the rainy days.

Never forget in the light what you learned in the dark,
So the same goes when you reach to the dark.
Remember the gratitude of a life lived in the light,
So that when darkness comes, you won't cower in shame again. 

Exeunt:
After the night, when I realized the mistake I have made... and decide to rededicate my life again. Repentance... genuine repentance. 

Remember the Gift

While my sanity and my thought is still struggling to relate to God's purpose for me, I have to pen this down:

"Remember the Gift, not the cheap tricks.
Remember that you are promised the Gift to embrace.

So don't go around finding cheaper things,
Shorter terms of fun, pleasure and ecstasy. 

They don't last, they don't feel long,
And the happiness is shortlived, replaced by the hurt and the gap later on.

Worst of all, you promised to Him that you love Him,
Because of all that He has done to make you His.

So, for God's sake, don't go around shopping for loose things,
And remember God, not the girl you fancy physically at the bar."

In need for grace, and I have to remind myself who I am in Christ.  

The Dark Night

It's a cold dark night, the night yesterday.
Lots of things in my head. Hurt.

Felt that I have gone a bit too far, too much.
Think that it is time. Relax.

But guilt, oh, so much, ridden in my heart.
Stabbed, and without a doubt: Dead.

But I yearn to live, to obtain liberty.
Don't want to go around. Scared.

I am scared, very scared.
But I don't know if there's any left. To. Live.  

Perseverance, perhaps?

I guess, when the opportunity for relationship is over, it should be a good indication to me to tell myself to move on.
Whether it means that the person that I like is now attached to someone, or that she is just not interested in me.

Either way works. So, I have to tell myself that I need to learn to move on.
And start socializing more. Though I know that the most difficult part of it is to break the barrier.

It will take a lot of hard work, I guess.
But it is necessary. Or else, I will remain in the same place again and again, without getting out.

Time to move on.
Pray that it will be so.  

The Allusion of Solitary Sanity

I guess, it is a strong part of me to remain within myself, to restrain from revealing what's in my mind very often when I am in the open setting. Although I tried very hard not to be contained by it, the truth is most of the time I am very perturbed by my evident effort to contain my loneliness.

My recent endeavors with friends back in universities revealed this albeit too much to ignore. I mean, I used to hang out with these people without restraints, just let our minds go wild with all those chats and stuff. I remembered talking till late night with a hostel-mate about music and life and all those things, while he smoked his Salem cigars, one at a time, while I just take my Spanish guitar (an old classical guitar of mine), strumming Em chords and varying scales along the way. Now when I see him (or any of such friends for that matter), I would brief through friendliness and just be mere courteous to talk with them, never deeper than close-buddy-talks. 

I feel sad as a mid-20s geek, that after 2 years, especially after the break up, I have lost much sense of hangout-moments anymore. And it took my recent trip back to a Christian Fellowship event that shook my sense of intimacy to further disturbance. 

Honestly, I have always wanted friendliness and openness in talking about things. To begin with, I don't come from a Christian upbringing. In fact, despite the Sunday School upbringing, I still was pretty much like every young kid born in the lower-middle class edges of slums - rough, young, wild and carefree. We will just run around, destroy whatever we see on the streets (those poor gardens our rich neighbors always took care of, very well - turned into potholes of "asteroid burns" thanks to those matchsticks and cigars burn by our older peers). Even in the later days, when I indulged in porn, football and cigars, it was because I was doing just like the rest of my peers in school and out of school. My church activities, then, was just pretty much a bystanders. 

Pretty much towards my 17th birthday, I grasped the irony of friendship that I used to embrace. These people who I thought I could count on the most turned out to be the worst bastards I had ever had. I remembered being betrayed by a girl I loved at first, which ended up being ridiculed, because I didn't have the looks and the guts to get one. I garnered up the strength to hate them, only to find myself being circled in the classroom, by the teacher as well, as the worst ingrate ever. Imbecility hasn't found its way into my life yet, but I felt pretty much as such since young - for trusting people too easily. 

After those hurts I was very wary on prying into a new friendship with people. By my 17th birthday, I learned to act different. I learned how to fake myself into the crowd to gain popularity and ownership. And sure enough, my hypocrisy helped me get through. In short time, when I graduated my high school and my pre-University years, I have sort-of gained some leverage on "friendships" and those fakes. I admit, when I admitted to the university, I pretty much carried that sense of protection with me. Many of my uni-friends are, unfortunately, a by-product of my willful act of hypocrisy. Towards the end of the year, most of the friends that I stick close to are rare, and a few are still contacting me. The relationship with my ex-girlfriend woke me up from the reality of this hypocritical life, and I felt that I need to stop this nonsense. And... here I am. 

When I looked at those years, I can only look with regrets. To be frank (and I think many people would have known about it), I am not proud of my school life. And I cannot look back with deep sense of nostalgia, just like every working adults who will occasionally drop by their mushy sentiments on school years. Sometimes, I regretted living those memories. Especially when there are days, when I saw my old friends on Facebook who added me, only to find myself boiling deep anger within me. I am still finding strength from within to forgive them, and I think it is going to be a daily process. Especially when their marriages are looming around the corner, and I happened to find myself heard about it without being invited (which to be honest is a better idea). And the fact that I am already at 25 with most of my friends having girlfriends/boyfriends of years doesn't make my life easier. 

I think, it took me recent year of depression to learn to understand myself better. Of course, good close buddies and my counselor helped a bit in understanding my plight and how much conflicted I am in my own struggle to live properly. There are times when I felt that because I couldn't forgive myself to forgive others, the deep hurt and resentments build with me overtime. The worst part of all is when I decide to confine myself in my own cell of thought thinking about life myself. And in that process, I took 2 years to get through. Of course, there are occasions of great, enriching meeting up with people (I think above all, a dinner with a girl that I like, and a few movie-outing with a close buddy really helped me), but those are probably not as frequent as my regular fits of lonely solitudes. 

So, in the midst of understanding myself, I learned to gradually realize the importance of treasuring true friendship and honor deep thoughts and friendly word-sparring. I thought that I have not been engaged deep enough of such discussions. That's mainly why I thought how shallow my mindset used to be. And how much the lack of honesty (especially when I reminiscence the friendships I used to have, with their 'clean-up-front-but-ugly-inner-worth' appeal, it is always quite detrimental to reflect on how much those affected me. 

Which is why, when I was brought into the Christian Fellowship gathering, I found myself to be overtly cautious in engaging in any discussion. I felt bad, especially when the two persons that I know very closely in the group tried very hard to make me feel at ease, especially when they know my personality. I somehow felt difficult to get back into the same 'hangouts' with these people again. And somehow the familiar pain of loneliness seems much more comfortable to me than to move into 'new boundaries' of catching up with my old friends again, to begin with.

A very good friend noted that while I can continue to put up my discernment on which friends to hang out with, the fact that I am trying to 'discern' so hardly made my opportunity to get to know people, understanding people hard. It took me 2 years to start to believe what he said is true. And I get to understand why the thought of getting a life companion keeps bugging in my head. After the break up, I hardly had times to mix with mix-genders, and I am so caught up with my own agendas, that on the basic level I am just mixing around with people I know to be always telling me, 'It's okay, I understand your pain" without getting to understanding people. But then, comes another side of explanation, in which people said that 'after the detachment, everything seems black and white - especially with people around you. You just don't feel interested in life anymore'. At the age of 25, I still appear like a teen, wanting people to hear what I am feeling, instead of acting mature to others, listening to people and understanding people. And most of the time, the black and white, ironically, becomes an evident backdrop of my description of the world. 

Despite the depressive motif I put up with, there are times when I appreciate the sadness and depressive turns of my life. My perspective changes (and I believe things will get much deeper/shallower - depending on how I live on) overtime, but this particular episode particular strike a melodic and inspiring tune. Yes, the tune is mellow, and it gets aggressively dark. But every movement, no matter how deep the tunnel of death may seem to be, there's always a seemingly light that allow your strained vision to see. And I often felt that I am not totally out of that deadly tunnel yet, but there's a glimpse of light shining that is leading the way. And it is especially encouraging that through the light's direction, I met some people along the way to walk with me. Some came with different perspective, so it is quite hard to explain what I have gone through. Some came with even worse predicament, that to them, the light meant more than just hope: it assures them that their depressive turns are ending soon. As for me, I know I am still recovering from my depression, but I began to embrace the depression with much sentiments. There were times that I am reminded that it was in the dark that I learnt things, not in the light. 

It is hard for me to enhance and extract these analogies into life storyboard here. My life has been through things that I find it better to share in person. However, deep down, I felt strongly the urge to speak it out, because I felt that alas, someone needs to understand why I struggle so hard to get away from self-abasement every weekend, only to find that excuse simply cut off by mere wish of self-fulfillment every Friday till Saturday evening. Yes, I do acknowledge too - I had someone in mind who I would like to ask to be my girlfriend, but with all these indecent habits taking place, I may compromise her, and in the end, we will have to make the decision to work things out in a havoc train without a train-guide, which will eventually ram into death; or we decide to jump off the train, only slimy muds across the jungle, and walk out of it after fighting against the beast of our lives. I already did the later in the past relationship I had. And I don't want to end up being on a train-bound to death without me working it out first. 

Somehow, this topic still doesn't seem correct. I was being told on recent notes too: that life is not meant to be taken all at once. We, in our minute details of the universe, have been admonished to 'not to worry'. We can only take one-step-at-a-time. Yes, we can multi-task, but how much can we go? When a person is running through emotional drainage, is there any fuel left to still work through life's difficulties, or even be a blessings towards those suffering to survive? Take one step at a time, buddy... that's what they say.

But how? It seems so overwhelming each day, and I don't think I can handle well, unless I ignored this battle and start looking elsewhere. Then, would I be subjected to struggle again, because I turned my blind eyes towards the threat of lust? Then again, even if I tried to do something else, for example getting involved in a Christian Fellowship's gathering: my mind would keep cramping onto the guilt of succumbing to lust. How do I maintain a good mind in discoursing with fellow Christians who yearned to be like-minded? Especially when my own mind is the one most contaminated?

Then another suggested that God looks at the heart of your battle. Your succumbing to lust every week is unforgivable. But He has forgiven you. He understood that you are just a dust, a flesh. Knowing that you give your all to fight against this battle mattered a lot to him. I cried hearing that, because that really is comfort to hear. But, what happened next? Immediately when I walk out, I am thinking about having sex with a friend that I know I can coax some words to get into. 

Hence, I chose... to confine my territory of conversation to within my own head, my own mind. Confine my social circle to within myself, the depths of my own mind. Create an imaginary friend so that I can chat, love, screw, play, chill with. Even if this imaginary friend of mine - if she can withstand as long as I live, would it made me feel better? If so, then I am totally confined to my own sanity, which will at one point of time becomes the nightmare of insanity. The saddest of all, I guess.

I know that deep down I don't want to remain as such for the rest of my life. I want to start getting help. I want to start doing myself a good favor by cutting off the internet, cutting off the media sources. But somehow, by doing that I am still short of community support, which at many times I am the one who chose not to be involved. My deeply introverted character disallows me to draw inner strength from people in a crowd, and considering the effort put to garner friendships that I have now, it is definitely another process which deserves a hard look at it. Even within my work circle, especially when there's no Christian friends that I know of, my mind is always guarded. There were occasions when I let loose a bit of my personal takes, and that surprisingly gave them a foothold into my personal life. Even then, I am still always on guard, not ready to tell people what I am thinking. I felt sad: even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, she didn't get to hear the inner most struggle of my heart. And to date: no one ever did. Not my parents, not my sister, not my friends, not the close ones. Only me. And hopefully God. 

The guarding of the heart. I dare not say it is a broken heart. But I know that the heart is guarded by a twisted mind. Unless... I don't know. Really. 

Conflicting Hypocrite or Hypocritical Conflicts?

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Looking at life as it turns,
Meeting with circumstances as life comes.

Sometimes I wonder, often time confused,
The act to live properly, yet wrongfully.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I tried to live in the best that I want,
I end up doing the things that I know I shouldn't want.

I tried to get away from things I know hurt me,
I end up doing myself a disservice of proper living.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Sometimes, because of the burden, I choose to push away,
Thinking for a moment I could let that go, and enjoy.

Sometimes, however the pain comes back twice the shame,
Thinking the price I pay for conflicting my values.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I lay my life to live honestly, but I wound up being dishonest,
I walk around, threaded at boundaries of good and evil living.

I couldn't stay straight, and often times I enjoy those moments,
But every night I lay in my bed, guilt-ridden of my conscience.

Conflict or Hypocrisy, which will I choose?