[short note]: reading up the crucifixion and the resurrection

Reading 'The Jesus I Never Knew' by Philip Yancey - especially on the chapters of Death: The week into Crucifixion and Resurrection: 6-weeks made my heart twitched and felt humbled by the recent downfall I have constantly set myself down for.

On the many days that I have ventured, I realized how much I have not allowed the reality of the death and His purpose to sink into my heart, despite the dramatic retelling that often allowed me to reduce to tears. What God really wants is not the outward proclamation of self-pity and loud weeping, but the inner articulation of the extent of God's love that no longer binds me to the devil, but the pinning of my sins to His Body as an act of sacrificial love to free us of our sins. In such realization, how could I continually live a life as though Christ's death meant nothing to me? How could I keep on sinning (fornicating thoughts, blithe lying and constantly coveting for what people have), not realizing that every act of sin puts nails on His Body, again and again?

With that in perspective, by knowing that God has died for our sins, have we forget that we are not free from the bondage of sin, and thus should continue to fix our mind towards the reality of the Resurrection, that reminds us that our pain and our agony (though remain memories like scars) are not our trophy towards redemptive purposes? The reason for the change from cowardly hiding to openly declaring by the apostles should remind us that we should no longer live in fear of our identity in Christ, but openly rejoicing, despite our past with memories of sinning, that it is no longer I but Christ who lives in me?

Perhaps such reflection will do well to remind us in our days of youth and continue on till the end of days. Perhaps this is the reason why the prodigal son is welcomed when he decides to come home for good. Perhaps. 

And in Jesus' name we could all find our comfort in, knowing that it feels good coming home. Amen.

Reflections of our faithlessness in pursuing holiness

I wrote something today and felt that it deserves sharing. However because of the handwritten nature i may have to snap them to show to you guys.

I'm sorry if it caused inconvenience. Perhaps it is better to have kept that way, being sentimental on the writings.

[short note]: where do we go from here

Something that captured in my heart today:

"Seeing all that is in the world with so much injustice and things that are irreversible, how do we reconcile our role for Christlikeness in this fallen world? Just thinking about this made my heart sunk so deep that I whimpered throughout the night - feeling hopeless.

Then in that cries I heard a quite whisper, soft as a silk running through the sides of the ear, gently remind me that the mourning of the souls of many kindled in God the desire of heart that attunes way back in the first century, the same emotions that was carried by our Son Himself. Seeing a fallen world crucifying Him, He sought petition from His Father, who eventually became our Father, and cried, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Would we have the strength, even in the midst of helplessness, to let go of our earnestness to try to fix the world first and let God first sink deep into the reality of our lives, so that we look up to the sky, and relished the gifts that God has given us, in different means at different times, to mend the broken souls to seek Him?"

Perhaps we should learn to be strong enough to let go of so much of our 'control' and let God sink first in my heart the brokenness of our own souls. In our brokenness, perhaps we can let the glory of God shine through us the cracks - and let those cracks be the reason why many fallen souls see the glimmer of hope in life.

[narrative/reflection]: in forgetting Him, where will we be?

[narration]:

Stumbling into pieces of literature, worn out from years of flipping - those books remained a cherished collection of memories for him. Had it not for the spring cleaning, he wouldn't have remembered articulating many of those thought provoking chapters that led him to remember life as a form of nourishment. Many of the nights spent reading through them as if they were the source of life for him - to live and to apply in daily living. Really, speaking about spring cleaning...

It has been years since he made an effort to start cleaning up the mess in the residence. Ever since he moved into this brick-and-high-rising apartment, the thought about having his own studio kindled happiness in him. For once, after many years of sharing with a roommate (and at times it could be annoying because there's no privacy during the night - he tried to have a peaceful early sleeping hours while his insensitive roommate tends to come in late at night, start surfing the internet, and occasionally play some urban hips in the background while taking a shower - what an inconsiderate man!), finally those days were gone! Sleeping alone in a rather expansive quarter, with all the literature that he adored and the toys he likened for rock star's regulars - now he had the liberty to pump in whatever he likes and nobody would have given it much thought about whatever stuff that he is playing. Never mind my girlfriend, he thought - after all she loved the music that he liked. Giggling innerly, while painstaking arranging books that showed evidenced of multiple flip-through as years gone, he whistled some familiar tunes that was once banned in the 'friendly' household - cause of the immense difference in taste and musical blends.

And now he looked upon the book that he was holding, and suddenly everything seemed to stop still for a moment. Memories come washing over his mind, and he felt his heart tucked by the gentle whisper of emotional drive. Of those many years of wishful youth lives, how much of those can be said that was pleasantly memorable. Mistakes redefined his footsteps, and regrets taught him to be civil and vigilant. Nothing that matters more than being careful with words and how to fit into the crowd. And those years are marked by peer emulation rather than unique individuality. And somehow, at times he wondered which is the preferred idealism in life. And speaking of idealism...

Where was idealism in whatever he was living upon? What is right and wrong in life has become so blurred in him. Many of the concept of living as one was ideally being called to has become so far from ideal and he has no idea where to begin anymore. For instance, in giving his all for purity in marriage, he tried as best not to succumb to temptation in lust and making an effort to be in regular contact with his accountable partners. But life is not straight forward at times. Pressure in work, temptation subtly leaked through the day-to-day conversation during lunch time with colleagues - those fed into his mind the eventual monster that led him to do some unthinkable stuff. And yet as time goes, conscience gave way to lust and eventually he doesn't know what to believe in anymore. 

Quite a sad revelation especially when he found the book. It reminded him that when he first read the book, so much was being revealed about the way of living, and the many story telling of examples that brought in eerie relevance to whatever he has believed in. Such poignancy 

[reflection]: petition of forgiveness

Yesterday, a colleague crudely made a joke on me, telling me that I should take a break from all the politics in the workplace, and send me a link. He told me too that I could get relief from there.

I actually entertained myself with that website and lingered a bit. To made matters worse, I dropped a message indicated I am interested.

The whole night, though - my contact with my girlfriend was cut off and thus I was able to linger in this. 

However, as the night went on, from lustrous thoughts that pleasure the physical needs - to the lingering guilty trip in my heart that tucked from the Holy Spirit, I struggled (and eventually realized) that my indulgence in giving into my temptation caused me to lead to thus. 

This morning, as I woke up, a vision of extrapolating the thought of what would happen if had I really gave in. Many thoughts came into me - but one particular thought hits me hard. God, manifested in His glory, revealed to me that His gift for me, in a form of a person whom he revealed to be my current girlfriend - has become defiled by my actions. Saddened, yes - but a provocation came there after: that my son will defile the family's name in the same footstep, and defame me by sleeping around.

Stories of the descendants of King David come to me during my morning devotion today, and I really felt heart broken. In quick revelation, I flipped through the pages in the Bible to find Psalms 51 in my ESV (Below text from BibleGateway.com)

Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

51 Have mercy on me,^[a] O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
     blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
⁶ Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
     wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
     let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
     build up the walls of Jerusalem;
¹⁹ then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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I sent a few messages to my accountable brothers in church, and seeking their prayers for forgiveness together with me, and continue to pray for protection against the temptation. To be honest, this area of my life is one that is in constant struggles, and it would be a tremendous test for me. Pray that I will be strengthened to make decision AGAINST lust, step by step - in faithfulness for Christ, who has freed me from the bondage of sin since the death of the cross - so that I don't have to live in bondage of my indulgence but making a choice to put on the new cloak of self-control.