I don't really know what to say on this.
Frankly speaking, I felt torn apart.
He shared so many things that I always linger upon.
Of the strongest impact - is the part where he chose to make himself becoming like a martyr to sacrifice himself to wake the 'world' of their treatment against those of less-fortunate or lower class people in US, or at least in his area.
Be honest with my feeling - that is how I strongly felt when I saw the world in that manner many years ago, when I was still a delinquent.
I was an outcast, rejected by most of the people in the community. Some saw me as a weirdo, some saw me as a deviant, but all didn't like me.
And, when he chose this method to wake the world up, I could only emphatically relate that emotion, but not his solution. The death of many, and to put it as a warning, and a sacrificial mean to support his ideals...
____________________________________________________________
I cried a little after knowing the news. In fact, initially I was saddened not just for the sake of the victim, but for his action as well. I am a Christian no doubt, and that will remain - but I felt pity for him as well. He was lost in his 'ideals, and justice'. He wanted a world that is not of oppressing the weak, but to glorify them. He wanted attentions to them, and better respect for 'dorks, geeks, and weaklings'.
I used to be the outcast, the dork, and the 'not-worth-living-organism'. I know how hard it is to feel that way. But to choose that method... I could only feel horribly sad, and cry for it.
May the victims found comfort in God through this hard time, be it the victims of the shooters, or the relatives of those killed.
And, may the rest of the world - who still live on each day as if it is all about themselves, and forget about the less-fortunate people - please take a new look at these people. They need your help, and I believe that God wants something from you as well.
34: Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.
35: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,
36: I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37: Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
38: When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
39: When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40: The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Remember, whatever you did, you do it to Jesus too.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
E R O S
I used to like the idea a lot.
Having a girlfriend besides me while I am studying. She just sit there, doing her reading. Occasionally, she would gaze up at her laptop, checking on her messenger to see who messages her. At times, she would run through some forums that chat about the latest fashion news online.
After a few while, noticing that she has been given a dreamy stare, she shifts her sitting to move next to me. A simple touch on my shoulder, and I would know the signal. I will then turn back to my studies, with right hand a pen readily available for writing, and a left hand holding something so dear to me, I would never want to let go, even though it is an assurance that "I am here, don't worry my dear."
Such a scenario seems ideal, but that has always been something I yearn for many years. I guess I could include decade if it wasn't the fact that I started ogling that thought while I was in Secondary 2 (14 years old).
For such a simplicity motion, denotes a profound meaning in my life.
Why such simplicity? Why can't I choose something more 'dramatic'? Think about it, I was hellbent, thanks to my dramatic past-life of being a juvenile delinquent, before God gave me a personal ticket towards heaven. Yeah, personal ticket. He came to specifically and personally bring us to Himself.
But why simple thing like this?
The first meaning that I learn from the word 'Love' is not the love I learn about Jesus Christ. I learn the word as 'eros', the love for a female counterpart. Romantic love.
But, I am dramatic. Not because I want to, but I am scared to be committed. I watched soap opera since young. I know how romantic love is like. In the beginning, you must confess your feeling to her. In the end, you have to be committed to a girl. Else, there is no other way that she would know that you like her.
I can't do both.
I am very traumatized to confess my feeling to a girl I like. It is a fear to me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she tell you blatantly, "You are not my type. Go away."
My Secondary 2's confession to a girl turns out that way. And I was humiliated in the entire school for being 'a frog trying to love a princess'.
I am worried about commitment. Commitment means you have to stick to her for a long period of time. In a proper covenant, you should stick 'til death does us apart.
I always screwed my commitment, because I don't want to be chained with norms. I don't like conformity, although I realize most of the time I would do it unconsciously. I like being a rebel. I like that kind of attention.
So feeling in love should not be the right thing for me to do.
But why, do I still entertain these fantasy?
I asked God about it.
I really did. I wasn't just wanting to play around my feeling and think, "Perhaps it is just my hormone. 'K, time to study now."
It was disturbing to me.
He guided me. Not in a way I wanted it to be, but in a way that showed His Glory a lot.
Through the days, many of my inner struggles, and my bitterness in things that don't work out - turns better and strengthened me along the way. And, I believe, romantic love, to Him, is also part of the plan.
That is why, the night, when I garnered enough courage to confess to her, and told her that I like her, it meant a lot to me.
It happened quite abruptly. I initially wanted to just do chats and rabbling about how my project failed this semester, and how I was disappointed with the way things turned out.
Either it was me, or God's plan, that our conversation somehow manage to go towards relationship. And either it was just me, or God's plan, that I could actually said these,
"You know something? I was thinking that I am not ready for a love commitment with a girl, 'cause I think I still got a lot of inner struggles, as my cell group leader justifies for me. But I can't deny this feeling I have for ... ... ... this girl I like. It was you."
It sound very awkward, because she was actually prepared to listen to my rabbling, not my confession. But she handled off very well.
A claim that she chose to have relationship after she is 21 is a sound, justifiable, and respectable. She didn't threw me off, and she didn't play mind game with me. A direct, honest answer.
And that night, after everything, I came back to my room. I sat on my bed, being silent. I looked out the window.
First time in my life - I felt normal. Nothing spectacular.
It is as if - romantic love wasn't the thing that stir me towards euphoria anymore. It is as if, like how I feel when I got rather good grades for my term assignments. It is as if I save my money enough to buy an Ipod Nano. It is as if I have finished my term assignments using my best effort, and on time.
Normal. Typical feeling.
It shows one thing - romantic love is not the thing that satisfy me. It also shows another - only God's love is quenchable to me. I can only recall the time when I keep on coming back to Christ, and I always felt so overwhelmed, that I can only breakdown and submit to God. I felt that I horribly need God.
Or at times when I play music as a musician, I would stammer or just jerk suddenly, because to me, music is like in my soul. It felt so great, it felt so ecstatic I couldn't help stay up all night, practicing whatever songs, just jamming, and I felt happy, glad, and beyond words of happiness.
So, what do I learn? Simple.
Leave it to God. If she is not for me, so be it. And it seems that - she is not for me.
But who knows? God knows.
Amen.
Having a girlfriend besides me while I am studying. She just sit there, doing her reading. Occasionally, she would gaze up at her laptop, checking on her messenger to see who messages her. At times, she would run through some forums that chat about the latest fashion news online.
After a few while, noticing that she has been given a dreamy stare, she shifts her sitting to move next to me. A simple touch on my shoulder, and I would know the signal. I will then turn back to my studies, with right hand a pen readily available for writing, and a left hand holding something so dear to me, I would never want to let go, even though it is an assurance that "I am here, don't worry my dear."
Such a scenario seems ideal, but that has always been something I yearn for many years. I guess I could include decade if it wasn't the fact that I started ogling that thought while I was in Secondary 2 (14 years old).
For such a simplicity motion, denotes a profound meaning in my life.
Why such simplicity? Why can't I choose something more 'dramatic'? Think about it, I was hellbent, thanks to my dramatic past-life of being a juvenile delinquent, before God gave me a personal ticket towards heaven. Yeah, personal ticket. He came to specifically and personally bring us to Himself.
But why simple thing like this?
The first meaning that I learn from the word 'Love' is not the love I learn about Jesus Christ. I learn the word as 'eros', the love for a female counterpart. Romantic love.
But, I am dramatic. Not because I want to, but I am scared to be committed. I watched soap opera since young. I know how romantic love is like. In the beginning, you must confess your feeling to her. In the end, you have to be committed to a girl. Else, there is no other way that she would know that you like her.
I can't do both.
I am very traumatized to confess my feeling to a girl I like. It is a fear to me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she tell you blatantly, "You are not my type. Go away."
My Secondary 2's confession to a girl turns out that way. And I was humiliated in the entire school for being 'a frog trying to love a princess'.
I am worried about commitment. Commitment means you have to stick to her for a long period of time. In a proper covenant, you should stick 'til death does us apart.
I always screwed my commitment, because I don't want to be chained with norms. I don't like conformity, although I realize most of the time I would do it unconsciously. I like being a rebel. I like that kind of attention.
So feeling in love should not be the right thing for me to do.
But why, do I still entertain these fantasy?
I asked God about it.
I really did. I wasn't just wanting to play around my feeling and think, "Perhaps it is just my hormone. 'K, time to study now."
It was disturbing to me.
He guided me. Not in a way I wanted it to be, but in a way that showed His Glory a lot.
Through the days, many of my inner struggles, and my bitterness in things that don't work out - turns better and strengthened me along the way. And, I believe, romantic love, to Him, is also part of the plan.
That is why, the night, when I garnered enough courage to confess to her, and told her that I like her, it meant a lot to me.
It happened quite abruptly. I initially wanted to just do chats and rabbling about how my project failed this semester, and how I was disappointed with the way things turned out.
Either it was me, or God's plan, that our conversation somehow manage to go towards relationship. And either it was just me, or God's plan, that I could actually said these,
"You know something? I was thinking that I am not ready for a love commitment with a girl, 'cause I think I still got a lot of inner struggles, as my cell group leader justifies for me. But I can't deny this feeling I have for ... ... ... this girl I like. It was you."
It sound very awkward, because she was actually prepared to listen to my rabbling, not my confession. But she handled off very well.
A claim that she chose to have relationship after she is 21 is a sound, justifiable, and respectable. She didn't threw me off, and she didn't play mind game with me. A direct, honest answer.
And that night, after everything, I came back to my room. I sat on my bed, being silent. I looked out the window.
First time in my life - I felt normal. Nothing spectacular.
It is as if - romantic love wasn't the thing that stir me towards euphoria anymore. It is as if, like how I feel when I got rather good grades for my term assignments. It is as if I save my money enough to buy an Ipod Nano. It is as if I have finished my term assignments using my best effort, and on time.
Normal. Typical feeling.
It shows one thing - romantic love is not the thing that satisfy me. It also shows another - only God's love is quenchable to me. I can only recall the time when I keep on coming back to Christ, and I always felt so overwhelmed, that I can only breakdown and submit to God. I felt that I horribly need God.
Or at times when I play music as a musician, I would stammer or just jerk suddenly, because to me, music is like in my soul. It felt so great, it felt so ecstatic I couldn't help stay up all night, practicing whatever songs, just jamming, and I felt happy, glad, and beyond words of happiness.
So, what do I learn? Simple.
Leave it to God. If she is not for me, so be it. And it seems that - she is not for me.
But who knows? God knows.
Amen.
Monday, April 2, 2007
R E L A T E
I have a prayer.
"God, please continue to guide me."
I have a prayer.
"God, I need Your comfort."
I have a prayer.
"God, I want Your presence in my life."
I have a prayer.
"God, let me continue to glorify You, in anyway I can."
I have a prayer.
"God, give me understanding on what happened throughout the days."
I have a prayer.
"God, so that I could reflect and be glad that God You made me whole again."
One last prayer.
"And so, God, please tell me what exactly happened?"
_________________________________________________
Clock ticking. Fan wheels spinning round. Soft-spoken nonchalant sound echoed in his mind. He couldn't figure out what exactly was that day. The last he remembered, it was after a major disappointment he faced earlier.
"Why does it happened?" still remained vivid in his mind. All the rejection of what he understood about the nature of life started to unfold as he witnessed himself the wrath of destruction.
As soon as he could count one second, from victory to failure - it is apparent that when misfortune struck, not a single gesture could match the haste. Not even the speed of light.
He remembered looking upon his project, earnest looking at what had happened. His companion stayed by his side, looking at the sudden disaster struck. Both were flabbergasted. Both response, however, were not the same.
"Did you do anything wrong on it?" was the first phrase that haunted him, even till the day he woke up after much sleeps.
The phrase took a great effect in bringing him to reality as well. Soon as he was brought from flashbacks to reality, he held on a long sigh. Nothing much could be done.
"It's over. Let's not think about it, 'k?"
His words betrayed his feelings. Not that it is his first time experiencing such trauma. There were many a times when he was holding onto the thin rope of fire that was tied between the furnace of fire, and the green pastures - after the near fatal accident nearly crippled his legs and abdomen. He, too, could never forget the time when he was charging against a Malay counterpart, with a firewood in his hand. The quick response from his enemy nearly blinded him, had not for his quick reaction. And how many could relate the time when he nearly overturned his '79 Datsun, when he tried drifting in the mountain pass, only to see himself nearly went down the hill, had it not for the cliff that stood strong, one inch away from death? What about the time when he witness the goat of Satan nearly spinned his sword onto our young boy's head, when the ritual of Anton LaVey commemorate?
But why a mere project traumatise him as much as his near-death accident?
He looked to God. With a silent prayer, he asked.
"God, I sacrifice myself so much for You. For the 2 months, I lack sleep because I trusted in Your comfort. For 2 months, I sacrifice most of my leisure time just for the dedication of this project, because we want to see Your Glory in this project. For 2 months, I maintained very hard to keep my temper at times when I nearly gone mad because of the frustrations I had with my groupmates, because we all want to see God's work in us. So why these? You even allow simultaneous and spontaneous conversation with me. Lord, You see my faith grew so strong after these events, so why all these? Why You fail my project?"
No reply.
Nothing.
He brushed it off. Opening his eyes, he looked upon the sky.
He had always liked to have his bed positioned near the window. The scenic view of the sky, with clouds hanging around the plain royal blue texture, always amazed him. Most of the time, he could see such wonderful view. That day, however, reflected his mood.
Greyish cloud, surrrounded by many darker ones, covering the once plain blue texture he always yearned for.
"Is this what You are trying to say to me?"
He had always took pride in the weather. For many a times, whenever he felt triumphant, the sky always shone the ray of light, emerging sun surfacing through the horizon, similar to that of the rising hope given to him. A greyish, cloudy signifying rain reflects his heart on heavy note, in-tuning with his sadness and sorrow. He would always vouch that it was near accurate for the weather to reflect his feeling and his walk with God.
But today, he never gave it any thought about it. For he had a thing in mind, burning so strong that he would rather not talk about it.
"Why did God betray me?"
It burned so much, and he was angered by that. Friends came and console him. Some even questioned him, thinking he himself might not put in much effort himself. Maybe you didn't sacrifice as much as what God expects from you, they said. He rationalised. It could be true, but it is also true that those sacrifices he put in weighed much more compared to those 'small things'.
His anger continued to burn. He couldn't find an explanation to this. His confusion let him to believe that what he knew of Christ was wrong. Christ wasn't merciful after all, he rationalised. He was just trying to put Himself in a good light.
And so, that anger continued the day. It was a Sunday.
Soon as he woke up, he decided to do something that he would normally do that would angered God: surf porn and violent movies.
He won't even hestitate. Satan continued to burn fire of anguish and hatred in him against God. He was bitter. No one could stop him.
But a soft side of him prompted him with a soft-spoken voice.
"It's time to go to church."
It was always a habit to him to go to church every Sunday. Not that the habit did not surface with that burning desire to seek God, but the habit sometimes overrule his faith. Most of the times, he went to church for the sake of going only. It was an obligation, rather than a joy.
Sensing his soft-spoken angel tucking his shirt, he decided to end the day of evil, with a climatic solo act. It had been a tough road for him, because he was feeling guilty on the same time when he did it. Nevertheless he didn't care anymore. He just want to show God how much He betrayed him.
His ride to the church was melancholic. A song played throughout his mind. The song that spoke of where God was throughout his time of need. Where was God in all these.
I cant remember anything
Cant tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god,wake me
Now the world is gone Im just one
Oh god,help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me
Metallica - One (Excerpt)
Had it not be for the song, he won't have to be reminded of his time when he cried while playing the piano rendition himself the day after the judgment. The reminiscence of pain and suffering, brought him back to tears on the ride. Had it not for his carefulness to not shed his tears, the passengers would have thought that he had been insane.
"God, whatever it is, even if You are silent, I am not going to say anything until You show me what I will learn today. After that we could settle the score later."
A statement that never required a reply turned out having one.
"I will, son."
It bewildered him a while. For 2 days, there weren't any response from this big-shot. Now He gave a nod, a pat, and a reply just when he never expected it. What was going on?
He entered the church feeling bewildered, and yet sad. Nothing could explain, but nothing could lift up his feeling either. He was overwhelmed by God's response, and yet he refused to believe what God has spoken to him.
"Hey, how have you been? By the way, thanks for taking over me for playing the guitar during the praise and worship session last week."
Startled, he looked to his left. A familiar face lifted up his spirit a lil'.
"Hey. No prob."
Silence.
"Are you okay?"
Silence.
"We will talk later what happened, alright?"
Silence.
Awkward. Eerie silence. He could only remain silent and be quiet.
At that moment, he felt like weeping. He could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, even though he knew he had made God angry an hour ago.
That overwhelming presence nearly knocked him into a trance.
He couldn't even fathom what happened around him, just that he subconsciously react to the lithurgy, which started off with a praise and worship session.
All he could remembered was that he felt that he was in a different place.
He closed his eyes, to see clearly where he was in.
It was still dark hour, and he saw himself walking along with some other people. He realised that they were not of the same race and ethnic that he knew of what he was. All he could recall was that his companions were all in robes and silks. It was in a forest-like garden. Everything was dark.
He stood aside to pray. In that moment, flashes of imaginary forms of motions came to him. He saw himself marrying a lady, and having children, and starting a family. He was glad about the picture, for it comforted him, and yet, he suddenly realised of what had come to his mind.
He was tempted. Not to take up the will that God wanted of Him.
And then, with his mouth, and from his bottom of his heart, he declared.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)
He stood there. And he felt something in his heart. A moment of peace. Then the moment of distilled silence. Then comes the moment of anguish. Then, the moment of pain. Then the moment of feeling betrayed.
He remembered about someone agreeing to betray him. He stood up, and look at his disciples. And from there he realised what he had been feeling.
Just on that moment, he was taken again. A drastic change from distilled silence to roar of noise, shouted almost in unison. He could barely grasped the meaning of what they said, but he recalled what happened during the event. His heavily laden back reminded him of the pain he felt. Excruciating pain brought him to realise of the fact that he was actually: carrying a cross.
His head hurted alot too much to think, but he knew what happened around. Echoes from citizens declaring "Crucify Him!" ringing in his head. His mind, worked the otherwise.
"See, don't You see these sufferings are not worth it? Just ask Your angels to sweep all these people. After all, as fast as You could destroy them, so could You to make some more."
He kept quiet. Nothing had been said. For He remembered the prayer he prayed in the Mount of Olives. And, he remembered it, being the second person joining the relation of the feelings and subconsciousness.
The moment came swiftly to the point of time when he suddenly saw himself lifted up in the sky. His excruciating pain never left him. The lethargic expression never forsake him. His hope and promise, however did.
He looked down. There were people dressing in nicely dressed robes, decorated with the signature of Judaism. He remembered how they used to come and asked for 'wisdom' from him, and now they were down there, mocking at him.
"He saved others, but He can't save himself. Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." (Mark 15:31 - 32)
Another thought then came upon to him.
"See, what they said is partially true. You can save Yourself. So, do like what they said - come down the cross. Let them see how magnificent You are."
He remained silent. That moment - he felt a strong, ugly presence.
Millions of anguish thoughts, and experience all grabs to him. All seems to move as swiftly as it was. Soon, he could see himself watching pornography, killing children, committing adultery, cheating citizens, being selfish, being immoral, sacrificing innocents for paganistic rituals, mocking the people who believed in Him. His burden was over-casting his own feeling. He could no longer felt pure. He felt dirty, guilty, ugly and worst - sinful. And that moment, he felt a presence diminishing from him. That point of time he declared:
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?) - (Mark 15:33)
That swift moment suddenly brought him back to real life. Again, as he opened his eyes, he could see the worship leader singing. The worship band playing. People all around him singing praise to God.
That moment, he wept.
And that's where he heard a whisper.
"Son, go on. Sing praise!"
He was startled, flabbergasted.
"God, what is all these about?"
"You felt what my Son felt. But that doesn't mean He is not righteous. He felt forsaken. But He also know that His promise and comfort is in Me. So should you."
"You are a giant of faith through these days. You have walked so closely with Me, that I have granted You spontaneous access to talking with Me. And I am proud of what have become of You."
"I felt your pain, but you also should know that these teach you a vital lesson. I have never forgotten about you. I am always there. Just as how Jesus felt at the end of that turmoils, which you feel earlier on, so should you to feel that I am always nearby. I don't talk to you, because I know what you actually want. You want a listener, not an advisor. You want a comforter, not to rant at Me. You are mad not at Me, but at how it ended. But what matters to Me is you, not your effort."
He remembered the song that rang along after God's declaration:
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus
Paul Baloche, Brenton Brown - Hosanna
As the song continued ringing, his tears never stopped flowing. As the praises continued to be liften up, and so, his spirit and his faith is liften up as well.
Alas, he prayed a short prayer.
"God, forgive me for making you mad. Please continued to work in my life, so that I can continue to be the giant of faith that you declared for me."
"Amen, son."
_____________________________________________________
After the day, we visited Sam's gramma. Unfortunately, Sam's gramma passed away around 2 pm. That point of time reminded me about the revelation that God gave me about my father. I too wept as much as I did during the church service (I thought I was a bit too emotional), and so, Jay tried to comfort me, and continue to encourage me as well.
I really thanked Joel, Jian Ming, Jay and the rest of the cell-group members (including Gilbert and Linus) who were there to comfort both Sam and his family. Although Jay specifically ministered to me after knowing about Sam's gramma demise, I think that probably I felt as strongly sorrowful as the rest of the members because I was relating to my own case - who is my father. The day ended quite alright, because the sorrow felt was because of the demise of a gramma, but deep in our heart, we all know, that because Sam's gramma is a devout Methodist, she will be met with joy and gladness in the heaven's gate. Pray that during these period of time - God comforts the family of Sam, and put in the joy among them as well, as they remembered who is in control.
And alas, I thanked God for putting His trust in me, even though I was the one who betrayed Him. And for the friends who comforted me - thanks be to God that they did a righteous part in reminding me of Your Grace. And lastly, thank God for the inspiration of writing this short story that reflects Your Grace, Your Mercy, and Your LOVE!
"God, please continue to guide me."
I have a prayer.
"God, I need Your comfort."
I have a prayer.
"God, I want Your presence in my life."
I have a prayer.
"God, let me continue to glorify You, in anyway I can."
I have a prayer.
"God, give me understanding on what happened throughout the days."
I have a prayer.
"God, so that I could reflect and be glad that God You made me whole again."
One last prayer.
"And so, God, please tell me what exactly happened?"
_________________________________________________
Clock ticking. Fan wheels spinning round. Soft-spoken nonchalant sound echoed in his mind. He couldn't figure out what exactly was that day. The last he remembered, it was after a major disappointment he faced earlier.
"Why does it happened?" still remained vivid in his mind. All the rejection of what he understood about the nature of life started to unfold as he witnessed himself the wrath of destruction.
As soon as he could count one second, from victory to failure - it is apparent that when misfortune struck, not a single gesture could match the haste. Not even the speed of light.
He remembered looking upon his project, earnest looking at what had happened. His companion stayed by his side, looking at the sudden disaster struck. Both were flabbergasted. Both response, however, were not the same.
"Did you do anything wrong on it?" was the first phrase that haunted him, even till the day he woke up after much sleeps.
The phrase took a great effect in bringing him to reality as well. Soon as he was brought from flashbacks to reality, he held on a long sigh. Nothing much could be done.
"It's over. Let's not think about it, 'k?"
His words betrayed his feelings. Not that it is his first time experiencing such trauma. There were many a times when he was holding onto the thin rope of fire that was tied between the furnace of fire, and the green pastures - after the near fatal accident nearly crippled his legs and abdomen. He, too, could never forget the time when he was charging against a Malay counterpart, with a firewood in his hand. The quick response from his enemy nearly blinded him, had not for his quick reaction. And how many could relate the time when he nearly overturned his '79 Datsun, when he tried drifting in the mountain pass, only to see himself nearly went down the hill, had it not for the cliff that stood strong, one inch away from death? What about the time when he witness the goat of Satan nearly spinned his sword onto our young boy's head, when the ritual of Anton LaVey commemorate?
But why a mere project traumatise him as much as his near-death accident?
He looked to God. With a silent prayer, he asked.
"God, I sacrifice myself so much for You. For the 2 months, I lack sleep because I trusted in Your comfort. For 2 months, I sacrifice most of my leisure time just for the dedication of this project, because we want to see Your Glory in this project. For 2 months, I maintained very hard to keep my temper at times when I nearly gone mad because of the frustrations I had with my groupmates, because we all want to see God's work in us. So why these? You even allow simultaneous and spontaneous conversation with me. Lord, You see my faith grew so strong after these events, so why all these? Why You fail my project?"
No reply.
Nothing.
He brushed it off. Opening his eyes, he looked upon the sky.
He had always liked to have his bed positioned near the window. The scenic view of the sky, with clouds hanging around the plain royal blue texture, always amazed him. Most of the time, he could see such wonderful view. That day, however, reflected his mood.
Greyish cloud, surrrounded by many darker ones, covering the once plain blue texture he always yearned for.
"Is this what You are trying to say to me?"
He had always took pride in the weather. For many a times, whenever he felt triumphant, the sky always shone the ray of light, emerging sun surfacing through the horizon, similar to that of the rising hope given to him. A greyish, cloudy signifying rain reflects his heart on heavy note, in-tuning with his sadness and sorrow. He would always vouch that it was near accurate for the weather to reflect his feeling and his walk with God.
But today, he never gave it any thought about it. For he had a thing in mind, burning so strong that he would rather not talk about it.
"Why did God betray me?"
It burned so much, and he was angered by that. Friends came and console him. Some even questioned him, thinking he himself might not put in much effort himself. Maybe you didn't sacrifice as much as what God expects from you, they said. He rationalised. It could be true, but it is also true that those sacrifices he put in weighed much more compared to those 'small things'.
His anger continued to burn. He couldn't find an explanation to this. His confusion let him to believe that what he knew of Christ was wrong. Christ wasn't merciful after all, he rationalised. He was just trying to put Himself in a good light.
And so, that anger continued the day. It was a Sunday.
Soon as he woke up, he decided to do something that he would normally do that would angered God: surf porn and violent movies.
He won't even hestitate. Satan continued to burn fire of anguish and hatred in him against God. He was bitter. No one could stop him.
But a soft side of him prompted him with a soft-spoken voice.
"It's time to go to church."
It was always a habit to him to go to church every Sunday. Not that the habit did not surface with that burning desire to seek God, but the habit sometimes overrule his faith. Most of the times, he went to church for the sake of going only. It was an obligation, rather than a joy.
Sensing his soft-spoken angel tucking his shirt, he decided to end the day of evil, with a climatic solo act. It had been a tough road for him, because he was feeling guilty on the same time when he did it. Nevertheless he didn't care anymore. He just want to show God how much He betrayed him.
His ride to the church was melancholic. A song played throughout his mind. The song that spoke of where God was throughout his time of need. Where was God in all these.
I cant remember anything
Cant tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god,wake me
Now the world is gone Im just one
Oh god,help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me
Metallica - One (Excerpt)
Had it not be for the song, he won't have to be reminded of his time when he cried while playing the piano rendition himself the day after the judgment. The reminiscence of pain and suffering, brought him back to tears on the ride. Had it not for his carefulness to not shed his tears, the passengers would have thought that he had been insane.
"God, whatever it is, even if You are silent, I am not going to say anything until You show me what I will learn today. After that we could settle the score later."
A statement that never required a reply turned out having one.
"I will, son."
It bewildered him a while. For 2 days, there weren't any response from this big-shot. Now He gave a nod, a pat, and a reply just when he never expected it. What was going on?
He entered the church feeling bewildered, and yet sad. Nothing could explain, but nothing could lift up his feeling either. He was overwhelmed by God's response, and yet he refused to believe what God has spoken to him.
"Hey, how have you been? By the way, thanks for taking over me for playing the guitar during the praise and worship session last week."
Startled, he looked to his left. A familiar face lifted up his spirit a lil'.
"Hey. No prob."
Silence.
"Are you okay?"
Silence.
"We will talk later what happened, alright?"
Silence.
Awkward. Eerie silence. He could only remain silent and be quiet.
At that moment, he felt like weeping. He could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, even though he knew he had made God angry an hour ago.
That overwhelming presence nearly knocked him into a trance.
He couldn't even fathom what happened around him, just that he subconsciously react to the lithurgy, which started off with a praise and worship session.
All he could remembered was that he felt that he was in a different place.
He closed his eyes, to see clearly where he was in.
It was still dark hour, and he saw himself walking along with some other people. He realised that they were not of the same race and ethnic that he knew of what he was. All he could recall was that his companions were all in robes and silks. It was in a forest-like garden. Everything was dark.
He stood aside to pray. In that moment, flashes of imaginary forms of motions came to him. He saw himself marrying a lady, and having children, and starting a family. He was glad about the picture, for it comforted him, and yet, he suddenly realised of what had come to his mind.
He was tempted. Not to take up the will that God wanted of Him.
And then, with his mouth, and from his bottom of his heart, he declared.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)
He stood there. And he felt something in his heart. A moment of peace. Then the moment of distilled silence. Then comes the moment of anguish. Then, the moment of pain. Then the moment of feeling betrayed.
He remembered about someone agreeing to betray him. He stood up, and look at his disciples. And from there he realised what he had been feeling.
Just on that moment, he was taken again. A drastic change from distilled silence to roar of noise, shouted almost in unison. He could barely grasped the meaning of what they said, but he recalled what happened during the event. His heavily laden back reminded him of the pain he felt. Excruciating pain brought him to realise of the fact that he was actually: carrying a cross.
His head hurted alot too much to think, but he knew what happened around. Echoes from citizens declaring "Crucify Him!" ringing in his head. His mind, worked the otherwise.
"See, don't You see these sufferings are not worth it? Just ask Your angels to sweep all these people. After all, as fast as You could destroy them, so could You to make some more."
He kept quiet. Nothing had been said. For He remembered the prayer he prayed in the Mount of Olives. And, he remembered it, being the second person joining the relation of the feelings and subconsciousness.
The moment came swiftly to the point of time when he suddenly saw himself lifted up in the sky. His excruciating pain never left him. The lethargic expression never forsake him. His hope and promise, however did.
He looked down. There were people dressing in nicely dressed robes, decorated with the signature of Judaism. He remembered how they used to come and asked for 'wisdom' from him, and now they were down there, mocking at him.
"He saved others, but He can't save himself. Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." (Mark 15:31 - 32)
Another thought then came upon to him.
"See, what they said is partially true. You can save Yourself. So, do like what they said - come down the cross. Let them see how magnificent You are."
He remained silent. That moment - he felt a strong, ugly presence.
Millions of anguish thoughts, and experience all grabs to him. All seems to move as swiftly as it was. Soon, he could see himself watching pornography, killing children, committing adultery, cheating citizens, being selfish, being immoral, sacrificing innocents for paganistic rituals, mocking the people who believed in Him. His burden was over-casting his own feeling. He could no longer felt pure. He felt dirty, guilty, ugly and worst - sinful. And that moment, he felt a presence diminishing from him. That point of time he declared:
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?) - (Mark 15:33)
That swift moment suddenly brought him back to real life. Again, as he opened his eyes, he could see the worship leader singing. The worship band playing. People all around him singing praise to God.
That moment, he wept.
And that's where he heard a whisper.
"Son, go on. Sing praise!"
He was startled, flabbergasted.
"God, what is all these about?"
"You felt what my Son felt. But that doesn't mean He is not righteous. He felt forsaken. But He also know that His promise and comfort is in Me. So should you."
"You are a giant of faith through these days. You have walked so closely with Me, that I have granted You spontaneous access to talking with Me. And I am proud of what have become of You."
"I felt your pain, but you also should know that these teach you a vital lesson. I have never forgotten about you. I am always there. Just as how Jesus felt at the end of that turmoils, which you feel earlier on, so should you to feel that I am always nearby. I don't talk to you, because I know what you actually want. You want a listener, not an advisor. You want a comforter, not to rant at Me. You are mad not at Me, but at how it ended. But what matters to Me is you, not your effort."
He remembered the song that rang along after God's declaration:
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus
Paul Baloche, Brenton Brown - Hosanna
As the song continued ringing, his tears never stopped flowing. As the praises continued to be liften up, and so, his spirit and his faith is liften up as well.
Alas, he prayed a short prayer.
"God, forgive me for making you mad. Please continued to work in my life, so that I can continue to be the giant of faith that you declared for me."
"Amen, son."
_____________________________________________________
After the day, we visited Sam's gramma. Unfortunately, Sam's gramma passed away around 2 pm. That point of time reminded me about the revelation that God gave me about my father. I too wept as much as I did during the church service (I thought I was a bit too emotional), and so, Jay tried to comfort me, and continue to encourage me as well.
I really thanked Joel, Jian Ming, Jay and the rest of the cell-group members (including Gilbert and Linus) who were there to comfort both Sam and his family. Although Jay specifically ministered to me after knowing about Sam's gramma demise, I think that probably I felt as strongly sorrowful as the rest of the members because I was relating to my own case - who is my father. The day ended quite alright, because the sorrow felt was because of the demise of a gramma, but deep in our heart, we all know, that because Sam's gramma is a devout Methodist, she will be met with joy and gladness in the heaven's gate. Pray that during these period of time - God comforts the family of Sam, and put in the joy among them as well, as they remembered who is in control.
And alas, I thanked God for putting His trust in me, even though I was the one who betrayed Him. And for the friends who comforted me - thanks be to God that they did a righteous part in reminding me of Your Grace. And lastly, thank God for the inspiration of writing this short story that reflects Your Grace, Your Mercy, and Your LOVE!
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