[reflection]: leaving behind is always going to be an ongoing journey

After so many years, starting from the shame that I have with my parents, my childhood friends, my secondary acquaintance - and while I am in Singapore, all the female friends that I have come to know close with, and some eventually get to share the most intimate part of their lives with me - I have come to realize that I will always need to go through the 'Left Behind' stage that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

And I thought that by demonizing those memories, I would have come to terms with my past and move on like any cheerful lad who just won the football championship by scoring the defining goal that turns them from losers to winners. No, life doesn't work in that way. Apparently regrets have their cruelty ledge tied onto my feet with shackles that constantly leaves scars after scars around our ankles. It doesn't make things easier when movement is difficult, but at times, when the scars deepen every slight movement reminds of the pain so conveniently.

I thought that my relationship with Jessie has been considered the end. And to be frank, it seemed like that during the initial time when I have decided to break up. It was dramatic ending, with things that in retrospect made me felt sadly regretful for the decisions that I have made. Nevertheless, it has been 2 years since, and I thought that I have moved on.

Moving into the first year of ending, as I was having my retreat in Church of St. Ignatius, I remembered one particular night while walking around the neighborhood surrounding - the strong gush of regrets came to me. And more often that not, I believed that sudden gush of memories could be the floodgate suppressed many months before because I intend to let this episode passed, and enjoy the current relationship with my current girlfriend.

After that retreat, memories of her came in sporadic, but I tend to buff them off as regrets that tried to impede my progress to be a better person. At one particular point of time I remembered writing a very lengthy post addressing this issue (though as much as I could, I tried to subtly hint some element of truth in relating this issue, though generally it was fictionalized). Months later, I was intrigued by a writer named Shusaku Endo (introduced to me by Philip Yancey via his writings in Soul Survivor. He dedicated a whole chapter on this writer who I revered a lot. In fact, I suspect his reverence to him was also equal if not more than mine, as he dedicated Shusaku Endo's chapter second last to Henri Nouwen, whom I have no doubt Mr. Yancey has reserved his strongest dedication for). I read one of his novel 'The Girl I Left Behind'.

To be frank, till this day I couldn't let this book go at the back of my head. At many times, especially when I struggled with pornography and having images of intimacy with my ex-girlfriend came up in my mind, memories of my revelation about a person's life through the eyes of Shusaku Endo's main character, Mr. Yoshioka Tsutomu. How, during his younger days, when he had sex with the poor Morita Mitsu, and that left a fleeting (and sometimes annoying) memory in Yoshioka's mind yet leaving a lasting impression to Morita's perspective. The tragic ending made me pondered so much about our life passing by each day with interception and how much those matters as days got distance.

From time to time, when I accidentally go to places together with my current girlfriend, some of those places bring back memories of Jessie so conveniently that I couldn't help thinking why on earth am I still thinking about them. Was it that difficult to leave behind? And I start to understand why. Physical intimacy, like emotional intimacy, will forever etched in the bonding between the two person, and no matter how much one tries to leave behind, there will be time when the spirit within us is kindled by the bond we had forged before. So when the triggers happen, sadly I have to find a means to get the mind away from the memory. And even more sadly, masturbation and casual sex seems to be the only mode of escapism because I get to see girls (either conjuring from my mind or grabbing new images from pornographic materials) and let me hunger for their bodies more.

It is convenient for me to leave a passing remark and excuses myself for being a victim of cheat, the subject who has lack of self-control. It is. But when I think about the times that I have done that really is at the bottom of the rung, I cannot imagine myself being an example in my working place, in church and especially for my current girlfriend - while struggling to keep my sanity in my memory in check. It is difficult. And I am still trying to find a solution to it.

But when I write this post to reflect, it could perhaps in many years to come, remind me of my journey. But at another circumstances, I hope that by writing it down, I start the healing process (and hopefully this post is a trigger of many to come too) not to demonize, but to accept the blame and let God work through my heart in humility. I should accept humility and chastisement. And I struggle to accept that as well.

But for now, I would like to write something to her, and hopefully that sometime in the future, she may felt a bit in her heart a tickle of joy.

Dear Jessie, 

It is my mistake to not forgive you for what you did before. Now after 2 years of our break up, I constantly made mistakes that made me realize that it is human to err. I should listen to you when you earnest want to repent. It could have been a great opportunity for redemption, but I took the other way. Anyway, I don't plan to be a savior. I can't. I hurt more than I save. 

In a distant place, you are now married, and hopefully pregnant with a child. I am in no position to comment on your future, and if we were to cross path, I sincerely won't know how to respond and what to say if we were to halt and prompt for response. However, if I could say anything at all, I hope you went on with your life being a better person. If that is the case for you right now, I would be glad. I do hope that you will encounter God, and I can't say that I have the strength to pray on that. But if it is God's plan I would gladly hope that we will see each other in the next chapter of our lives, should that be, either on earth or in heaven. 

You definitely made a lasting impression in my life. Perhaps from time to time I might remember again our good times. But I hope that writing this down will be the beginning of my healing. I definitely need to find someone apart from my partner to talk about this, because frankly speaking, it is something that even the most matured wife-to-be may find difficulty reconciling. It may have been the most intimate memory that I share with you, but I decide to find a close male friend, or even a counselor to talk about it. 

Lastly, Jessie. I loved you, there's no doubt about it. It was a great memory, but it needs to go and be put in a cabinet and put one side. And I hope that you are living well with your partner, just like how I am learning to live my life to give my all for my current partner, who I love and will always love. 

Thank you Jessie. Bless you.

And so, I pray that God will hear my prayer for healing. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

[short post]: To Jessie

I would be posting a long post for you, Jessie. Your phantom is forever in my head, my heart.

It is a difficult birthday for me to celebrate this year. Though we haven't been talking at all for 2 years, somehow the nostalgia of what you have shared with me remains. Ironically, my current partner brought me to places where I shared memories with you first. Deciding that they are distracting, I tried enjoying the moments with my current girlfriend, only to realize the pain I have left behind.

Such difficulty. Because of me.

Longer post coming soon. For now, I want to leave you out of my mind before I sleep tonight.

Good night Jessie.