God, I am rejected...

God,

In your hand, I commit my hope. My pride. My love.
Now that I know, the girl that I am waiting for is no longer available.

I feel a pinch of hurt, but she is not wrong. It's up to her.
But I did felt hurt, because of my disillusion to wait for a gift that You give.

I wandered a bit, looking for cheap tricks. And when I decide I will choose to wait,
The gift is now others to claim, and left for me on my own.

With this hurt, in the past, I will wander in the dark.
I demand no meetings, no friends around, no company. I just want my own space.

But now, she's not mine, and I need to be wary of it.
And I could act like a kid again, walking round and round.

But God, You revealed Your Love, and tell me to tell you my hurt,
So I tell You, like a kid, with all the pain and rejection and hurt and my cries.

The heart cries for companionship, yet I know now is not the time.
Practically so, and painfully so. I know my stand and I know my pain.

So, I hurled insults, angers, curses, hatreds - all to You.
You took every bit of my lashes.

Then...

You came to me, in my sleep, and assure me.
"You will be given. But will You remember the Giver?"

All we need to learn, is that whether we are attached or not,
The attached partner may have been the best person in the world we have ever known.

But most often, we forget about the chances to be together, to get together, and to remain in love together.
People change, people go. But people choose to stay together and love together. And it is a work remained rooted in deep principle.

I may have lost the principle if I were not to remember the Giver.
When I felt rejected, I may have gone off and hurt myself. Go round the city. Stay at my hotel room.

But when my Lord revealed my weakness that ultimately lies beyond hoping for a girl,
I need to realize that in this moment: it is the faith in God that remains in question.

When I look into the story of the Passion.
That's when I stop whining. I stop sobbing.

I start to give thanks. He still wills Himself to be part of my puny life.
My puny life should have been died to Christ, but I still cling to it. Hoping that I can gain something out of it, like romantic love.

But... today... I learned this lesson.
And I need to ask God to allow myself to grow and trust and obey.

"It's okay. You will be given one day.
But will You remember Me, when that day comes?"