[reflection]: yearning against loneliness, and finding my way home through films

It has been a while, as I traveled from Singapore to Japan, then to China, then on recent notes to Thailand, and I didn't expect my heart to be especially kindled by the same issue that has been my constant Achilles' heels. And now that I think of it - I am actually surprised that I couldn't see it in the first place.

As I left my recent relationship, and almost got myself into trouble recently with one of my colleagues, I suddenly realize how easy I am to succumb to temptation, and never once got over the point blank issue of my hunger for relationship.

When I think about my yearning for relationship, I can see the shadows of the first girlfriend that I had awhile back, then very faintly the second, and some of those that I have fond memories with. Unwillingly I succumb to the idea that I needed a companion to be fuller.

To set the record straight, I believe yearning for relationship is a good thing. It is a natural desire, and it is the reason why we can never live alone. I tried for several years, and to no avail have I yet see a time when I am able to live on my own. And strangely, it is in those moment when I am given the opportunity to be alone - that I am most alone. 

{my yearning}

I often see my cell group mates (most of them are married) with their partners alongside them, and I often hope to have someone who is likewise - kind heart and gentle, willing to listen, and willing to pray with me together. I often imagine my girlfriend to be someone who I can talk to, speak to, love with, and ultimately able to share the journey of faith with me through thick and thin. However as time past by, I grew impatient about the desire, and looked around for cheaper alternative. So long as she is pretty, that should be good enough. The rest can come in later.

And so for that 3 years I wasted my many first times with people I thought I could live forever. And the innocence lost is replaced by vigil heart to be less receptive and more calculative. When I think about it yesterday I was very dismayed how much I have lost - the purity of loving.

I often asked of God, "Why am I given such a situation where there's no one in church who I can seek out to love? Why did I subject myself to find things outside, without really looking into the heart, and finding cheap alternatives?" I remembered one very time, where I actually cried after that prayer so bad that I vomited in the toilet - because of the nausea feeling of thinking about potentially finding someone God has provided. The prayer proved revealing about what I really think about relationship, and what I yearn to be.

Despite that, for years I still hesitate to pray about finding someone for me - because of the fear to find someone close to me and losing them eventually. Perhaps that's why I have been putting on barriers on people. Perhaps

{the learning}

Whilst it is true that I may consider the days I have gone through as something of regrets, gradually I felt the need to embrace those moments as part of growing up. Somehow, in the midst of those sad moments and tragedies, we often see souls burned with courage to live on - and those who survived lived to tell the stories much different compared to simply living.

I am not sure how everyone feels but the first girlfriend perhaps is the most memorable to many people, including myself. She taught me how to love even simple people, and simple being. She may not be a healthy young girl, but she always advised me to cherish myself and to learn to love myself. I remembered 2 years after our break up, she actually told me to forgive myself for breaking up the relationship. She may or may not have moved on, but she taught me to be kinder to myself. And that built my self-esteem little by little each day, till this day. 

The second taught me the joy of loving and giving. She may not be as pertinent when it comes to handling relationship, and she is a very mischievous one, but she taught me on loving people and giving people what they deserve. She often commented on my insensitivity - which is really quite awful whenever I heard it. I dare not claim myself to be sensitive but I do know a lot of people who claimed me to be very sensitive - a traits that sometimes paralyzed me whenever I felt contemplative after seeing seemingly regular event on the street. But she showed me further on sensitivity and always attend to the needs of needy people. She brought to mind a lot of hard questions, and eventually at the end I was exhausted with them. But those questions remained as part of my soul-searching on earth, and I continued to search of answers to live by the questions and answers.

I believe each and everyone of my friends - good and bad - taught me the meaning of life, whether in small or big ways. There may be things that they taught wrong, and there may be things that eventually speak for themselves what's more valuable in the experience that has been gone through - but I do believe that each day warrants itself a reason to be teachable, under any circumstances. And it is never something that can be learned in a package in any school, whether public, or home school, or even in colleges, in universities, etc.

{the prodigality}

I was watching 2 movies on forgiveness yesterday, based on the account of Communism in Russia, and I was moved greatly by the evocation of forgiveness and healing comes from people determined to live for them. The first movie, 'The Way Back' relates an account of Janusz Wieszczek and 6 others who chronicled their journey (in which 3 of them passed away in the middle of the journey - though evidently they died as free men) escaping from Siberia to Himalaya, and Peter Weir (the director) didn't dramatized the event except to put into a glimpse of beauty in the midst of harsh realism. The image of coming home never left him, and he even at occasions hallucinated about it - which sometimes almost caused him death. The most poignant scene came when stories of Janusz and his compatriot Mr. Smith talked in the night at the desert of Mongolia, of the reason why both were jailed. Mr. Smith had previously brought his son over to Russia to escape the Depression without knowing that eventually the son was forced to betray his father on scams against Stalinism. Janusz faced the same predicament with his wife, though Mr. Smith's son was shot in the end of the betrayal. Mr. Smith couldn't live with the regret and swayed through living with the regret and unable to forgive himself. Janusz, on the other hand, found reason to keep on living despite harsh mother nature because he wanted to come back home. In that memorable scene, Janusz recounted how much his wife couldn't forgive herself for betraying him, and knowing that the only offer for her to live and die in peace is to be able to go home and forgive her and live together with her. Janusz said this at the moment when Mr. Smith was contemplating death and decided that he was slowing them down. Janusz gave him hope to believe to continue living to forgive himself as part of the journey. Eventually Mr. Smith lived to tell the story as well, and so is Janusz.

The second movie caught me in tears though. I have watched it before, but for the sake of recounting the pains after Nazism and the reconciliation, I decide to turn to 'Le Concerto' (The Concert) - a French and Russia movie on a Jewish Russian who used to be an accomplished conductor for Bolshoi Symphony of Russia until a Stalinism took over and caused Jewish to be sent to Siberia camp. A couple, both acclaimed musicians and soloist for the symphony - were forced to send their baby to a French music agent who happened to hear the music of this Jewish Russian, Andrei, in the symphony. Several years later, after several misfortune, Andrei who was then working as a toilet cleaner in the orchestra halls found an opportunity to conduct a symphony in Chatelet Orchestra Hall in France. And with great pain he managed to find the daughter of the acclaimed musicians - , who happened to be an acclaimed solo violinist, and in different settings, Andrei finally revealed to her the true parents, and their passion to finding music to reach across even beyond nationalism, as global evangelism. 

What struck me hard were 2 things. The first one is when montages of the past seen by Andrei were slowly being revealed to Anne Marie, the daughter of the famed Jewish violinist of Bolshoi Orchestra Lea Strum. The beauty of the montages were that the first part of the flashbacks were revealed by Andrei himself (in several fits of alcoholic outburst) and the rest was when Anne-Marie played her part in the Tchaikovsky piece - finding in music the reason for her being accomplished. Although at times quite dramatic, Andrei was trying to tell Anne-Marie her actual identity and for her to embrace her Jewish descent. Prior to this, Anne-Marie has fondness towards Jewish composers, Tchaikovsky being one - at the time when the fall of Communism was fresh and still engraved in the mind of several European citizens. Now that she knew about her upbringing, she found greater pride and joy in being a Jewish and eventually found her way back to 'home'. 

The second scene was when Ivan Gavrilov, despite his passion between Communism and managing the symphony, decided not to attend the Communism upheaval in a lecture hall comprises of a few intellects who still believe in Marxism - because of what Andrei pleaded. Andrei told Gavrilov that music itself surpassed the element of communism. Music is a tool that speaks to everyone, and transcend even generations. That is true communism, said Andrei. However, when the symphony actually started, Gavrilov, staying at the backstage, heard otherwise. The symphony were initially in shackles, very disorganized and occasionally off-tuned harmony. Weirdly, Gavrilov actually prayed a prayer, "God, if you ever exist, make this the reason why I stay back and listen to this symphony, and not the rally."

When Anne-Marie started her part for the solo, the whole band was held in captive. The beauty of the chromatic notes first inspired by Tchaikovsky, now played at the tender fingers of a lady whose mother, in her madness to play the music for the world to see the beauty of music that transcend even the power of Communism, seemingly calm the chaotic band of clarinets, violinists, percussionists and violas. The soloist eventually managed to bring the charisma of all the musicians onstage, who were all Jewish descent and from difficult background, together as one symphony. All emotions were laid bare, and the beauty of getting together, especially towards the climatic entrance where all musicians hold onto the major pentatonic scales that was introduced by Tchaikovsky - brought Gavrilov to tears. For years he prayed for unity through the god of communism. He prayed that one day the ideals he believe in communism will shake off the heart of skeptics, and the belief will unite people. Never did he realize that God himself, manifested in a different form, presented to him the songs of Tchaikovsky, who of which struggled through depressions, his sexuality, and lived not a happy person - and through the music finally addressed his urge to find the true God. "I can't believe it, God exist!"

{the reflection}

The beauty of these 2 films, I believe, is the eventual coming home idea. Janusz, who understood that human nature being weak, knows that eventually his wife needs forgiveness. Anne-Marie who being the daughter and struggling to identify herself as being passionate for Tchaikovsky, found out that her parents were not only proponent to Tchaikovsky (who was once considered a mad musician, not far from heavy metal in our context), but also held a higher belief that music gave them the reason not to comply to the Nazism. The identity compelled her to tears, and found greater identity as a proponent of music. Eventually, Andrei, struggling with alcohol addiction after the Nazism, found his root as a musician, and found home the reason to be healed - because music matters more to him.

Although the idea of God and Christ are not revealing in these films, these films brought me home to reflect about His greatness and the coming home. I often associate myself with Andrei, finding no meaning to fight against my own addiction. I am always torn between hunger for relationship and the reason to believe in Him that will sustain me through. And yet, it was the mercies of many people around Andrei (his wife, his band mates, especially Sacha who kept reminding him of the reason to play music) that made him found the meaning to continue pursuing what he believes in. And for someone like me - who is given the gift so many times by the friends around me who kept reminding me that 'one day will come where all your struggles will no longer be, and there will only be joy in communion with Him, and many of those who are there will rejoice in your homecoming'. The film reflection yesterday brought home the point of remaining in Him, and continue to be steadfast in his promises. 

I often think about my yearning for someone right, and I wonder when will that be. But at times, I may have missed the more important message in life. Does having a girlfriend brings much more meaning in life? Probably, but does it add a day of happiness when you are in communion with Christ? Perhaps not. Because at the end of the day, I know, at least, that God has been with me since the time I dedicate myself to Him. He has never left or forsaken me, though at times He seemed to be hiding. In actual fact, He never did run away. Like a child who is blind, we opt to see Him the way we wanted Him to be, but He has been always behind us, leading us in small steps, not revealing himself through obvious means, but in small, simple ways. 

I remembered in the second film, Anne-Marie found out the identity of the parents not through the account from Andrei (though he introduced them to her in the form of third-person-narration), but through playing the music through the score from Lea, her biological mother. Finding the common stroke of emphasis, and also meditatively playing the pieces, Anne-Marie found the footsteps of a musician who she belonged to. At times, I see myself in such reflection as well. Playing some songs close to heart, I can hear the simple whispers of Christ in my head - "Play on, my son. Play on". 

{the exeunt}

I remembered my first girlfriend always tried to encourage me in playing music. "I see the music is built inside you. Seems like I can never separate you from the music. But I understand, because I was also likewise. But I lost interest in it, because of difficult circumstances. But you shouldn't. You should continue, and never give up." Of course she never said in them exhaustively, but she did try to encourage me playing, and never stop me. 

Gradually it came to me that music has been playing a big role in my life ever since I found God giving me the gift. A decade earlier, I prayed to God to give me the gift of music. And in years I thought He answered my prayer in little steps. Little did I know that from young, even before the prayer I prayed, He has already groomed me into a musician in His mind. And that's the reason why I watched movies like "Le Concerto" with great enthusiasm. It reminded me of homecoming to my true "heritage", a musician for Christ. 

Occasionally I will just do random songs, covering, and haven't been writing any since. But seeing my recent reflection, perhaps it is good to start writing one I suppose.