Hey. After a while being absent from the blogosphere, I felt quite a sense of detachment towards 'rants and angers' melodrama in life, and start having more dynamic perspective (the dark times and the good tidings). In such moments I realized how much different I was back then, a year ago, thinking about life that is full of darkness and loneliness. However, I have to stress the importance of those moments - embracing the darker side of me not as to build an identity of it, but to bring to light the darkness that befell upon me and yearning towards the light. It is strange that I should find such revelation when after a period of non-activity online and meeting up with people who I have not been in contact for a while - and to make a conscious effort to root myself in deep talks with them. And when I meant about the deep talks I meant those that touches on something that matters to all of us. Some may have strong kinship towards their belief (like I do), some may draw strength from their interest in music, some have pursuits in career path that they may have gone overboard neglecting their family - though evidently their apparent career pitch upfront betrays the sense of guilt they impart within their hearts on the loss of the intimacy within the family. Different people may have different experience to draw from, and how they relate to these important parts of their lives will reveal their perspective in life, be it in honest sharing or impressive facade.
Nevertheless, I have grown to realize (and still learning in the meantime) the importance of being honest and making the effort to be transparent about living. It is nice to show people the unblemished records of lives that one have, and people may unconsciously draw evident inspiration of living fruitfully from the 'success' testimony that you may impart. But the true strength that I have grown to appreciate and embedded in life are those that stems from difficult livings from people that suffer in anguish all the time - and survived (albeit the scars or the burns). The revealing facts of people living in times of difficulties added the sense of realism and immediate connection with those who struggled in the background with no one listening. I draw a lot of strength from that experience. Movies that relates to broken families, broken sibling kinship, struggles in addictions are part of inspirations for living. However, what really brought me back was relating with people, in real life, their struggles and their effort to make ends meet. This soften my heart and eventually start to see things differently.
When I was in Australia, I went with a good friend who we met during my time in Varsity Christian Fellowship (VCF). On the year when I joined this circle, behind the scene I was still striving to find an identity in life in general. By that time I was exploring the arena of rock 'n roll as my lifestyle. Joining the Christian Fellowship was actually a way of escape from my conventional student living because I thought I need help in 'spirit' to overcome the zealousness that my peers uphold in their studious living. I was, back then, struggling to be a good student, so I decide the alternative - to be the rock 'n roll and live like one. Apparently during the end of my second year, I joined a Bible Study Camp that VCF organized. So off I went to the camp, and in one of the session when there's a group discussion, I saw a guitar. During one of those free times, I went to the guitar, mischievously played a Metallica piece, and was noticed by this eventual friend of mine. Long story short - we knew each other through our common interest in music.
This friend of mine doesn't participate much in my life during the dark days of my life (when I started struggling with pornography, then to my first ex, then to the identity in Christ, then with the second ex, and now with my career path), but he kept me in his prayer from time to time. We used to play music once in a while during our university years, but now we have lost quite a bit. With the recent trip to Australia (with the purpose of watching both Alter Bridge (our favorite band) and Switchfoot (his favorite band), we kindled the friendship 'abandoned' quite a while back, and realized we have grown in years. There are times when we reminiscence some of the old songs that we used to jam and play, but overall we were talking things in different perspective. He has struggles working in wherever he is in, and thinking - praying hard in fact, on moving to another corporation; while I am moving closer towards what I have been gifted in: sound engineering and potentially music production. We have different ideas on things, and though I tend to be the one less inclined to share my view, I respect his ideas and his articulations. He has brought some lights towards my understanding of the Bible in many ways, and I have started to embrace his fellowship more and more nowadays.
We have yet to meet after our return back to Singapore. I was telling him quite a lot on my recent struggles with my family wanting me to be back in Malaysia for good, but he was adamant that things may not work out well in the long run. As usual, he would humbly keep me in prayer once in a while, to pray for discernment in my decision making.
The best thing that I took back from this trip - therefore, is the friendship rekindled that I have with this friend of mine. After 5 years of those days, I felt it worth knowing him.
Thanks Ryan. You have been a blessings to me when I am in Sydney with you. Thanks for the friendship, and let's continue to keep watch of one another.
[At another time, I would write on some reflections in darker tones in life. May need your prayer to keep watch of me from time to time. Thanks]
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