[reflection]: What killed the dream, the tainted living

In reflection of my childhood, and looking through the glass of terror – of which succumbing to the evil and all of the roots of the worldly living, a sudden gash of emptiness filled the heart with sorrow.

For the first of the longest time, I dreamt of life that has higher heights, of which all dreams fulfilled are of the wish of the master who grants the living a chance of freedom, without vigil and spurring doubts. That freedom as light and so clumsy should I thread through life without a worry.

And when I thought of how kindness has left the world, and competition has instilled fear among many of us to reach to the peak, killing many in the process – I remembered there was a time when friendship has no boundaries, where I could easily trust people with their naivety and constant companionship, where we all sit and enjoy the company without any let ups.

I dreamt of honesty in relationship, and that I could reveal all the truth of my life without being judged. I dreamt of moments of which companionship allowed me to question my doubts, and having someone gently kindled the spirit of discernment of life and giving me, at least, the wisdom to live through life knowing that someone cares for the real me.

Kindness has left me, grace was replaced by the fear and anxiety of winning and law of deserving merits. What begins from humanity has now been replaced by the pecking orders of productivity. Life no longer matters solely on companionship and the fulfillment of the entire being – it can be dissected and organized like a cabinet, fully utilized and making the best of every section of the individual. Heart, body and soul finally could be differentiated. The law of meritocracy, of which all of us are by-products of our survival in this world – to be the crème de la crème.

Of life endures, we have put life in the line of efficiency – that which life means more when we have so-and-so, getting the latest gadgets, comparing with our peers of what that matters more – position in workplace, high salary, good family background, great friends who have contacts with benefits one individuals. Then materialism sipped into the crowd as a means of humanity value – that which one’s worth in the societal standing is represented by what he achieved and how much he earned to have them.

And thus the sadness beguiled further that humanity is devalued into a commodity, that if you don’t have anything, you are casted aside as the scums of the society, that which charity, of which so often is a word abused to mean ‘higher-standing-people coming down to feed the poor’, and that you earn your living day-to-day seeking simple fulfillment, to be scorned by society for being ‘lazy’.

Many of us have come to agree that in order to achieve the ‘United Dream’ we have chosen the pursuit of happiness that can be fulfilled by ‘achievement of doing’, rather than being. That which many of the pictures uphold by the ‘Dream’ was actually an illusion of the appearance, that sealed the matters of the heart. Many have then lost in the way of pursuit, forgetting the purpose of true happiness, and buying happiness in different means. Temptation allowed them to fulfill sinister desires, of which sadly – I have become a product of one myself.

There was a time, when simple relationship flourished on the account of sharing and bearing, of hoping that dream as simple as ‘being a musician for God’ is never laughed at with scorn – but chuckled in adoration for the purest of fulfilling the dream. How wishful is such a dream, as now with so many path and so many competition in life, you have forgotten of which is the fulfillment of the dream anymore. Study the arts of scales, get to understand music of different generation, play music that speaks pop to the ears of many, don’t sing songs that you like – try to discern what the crowd wants now – they sing R’nB, drug and love songs. Sell sex – this will get to where you want to be.

There are dreams we often wished we could fulfill, but the dreams of which has sadness engulfed us again and again as the reality sinks in, you decide – why even bother pursuing the dream you dreamt as a child, full of gracious and naïve thought?

Yet – as I sleep over besides a lady who I don’t even bother thinking about, thinking of getting what I need to get the position of my corporate management that I require, to seal a deal that I have yearned for years in order to buy a bigger house for the family, of which my daughter doesn’t even acknowledge as an effort to salvage the family now broken cause of my wife’s infidelity as an excuse that I have not spent time for the family – I wondered where is the childhood I once had, where I believe God has given the gift of music for me, of which I would play in simplicity believing that one day, my song matters to God after all.

Perhaps it is life that has killed this dream that I used to dream, and would I have said that no more of this matter anymore, that tomorrow I will still walk the path of unrighteousness, to get what I need to buy a better house to fill the empty souls of my wife and my daughter. Perhaps it would be me that killed the person who used to believe in righteousness even in simple living, that even in poverty I believe I could walk out of this path, believing in the Providence. Perhaps, after all the evil thought and deeds that I have committed willingly in order to get to where I want, I would toss around on bed, remembering the naivety of myself looking up in heaven and wishing that the Father who has once accepted me as the child of God, who has allowed the killing of the Son by all of us who wished Him dead because of the pursuit of ‘United Dream’  - to be forgiving and change my heart once more, the one rotten with many worms of selfishness and greed. Perhaps I could look into the woman that I loved once, who I have promised to share the dream of simplicity ‘till-death-does-us-part’, of which now I couldn’t see her face-to-face because of my lust fulfillment outside of marriage – to sit down and cry humbly and sit down together with her again, to give her the freedom to decide if the relationship is worth another try again.

It may have been me all along, the self-centred soul, who has compartmentalizing the whole scene, and that it may have been me who has lost the direction after all. Perhaps my dream may not matter anymore, perhaps.

Would there be a change of heart for me, to at least learn honesty to grief of my grievous sins – and that I start anew by saying, ‘Have mercy on me, God?'

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Adapted confession of a sinner who broke down after listening to Fantine’s ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ of the original soundtrack of ‘Les Miserables’.