[Journal]: Day 4 - Reflection of 'Higher Ground' by Vera Farmiga

Perhaps I should put this upfront and straight - I really missed the days when my faith are ascertain, and that I am very sure that Lord is with me. 

And I am very sad - that I lived through days of horror and anger and bewilderment, and also several days of which I doubt even my own faith. And when I saw this movie - the poignancy almost took my life literally. I almost felt like jumping off the building, as much as I want - to see if God really sees that I matter to Him.

In wilderness I found myself just a door - as shut, and like what C. S. Lewis said, even the silence emphatised with my predicament, so why I should stay put there?

I cried, mainly because I have only myself to blame.

I yearned for attention, and attention got to me. I got a great girlfriend, with her friends and her family continually support me. So why do I indulge, at many days, promiscuity, and things that are not supposed to be? Why am I yearning for attention that much? 

I yearned for affluent living, and here I am, with all the money that I have gathered and saved now that I am more ready to contribute to society with my better living, so why did I live wayward, seeking things that are forbidden? Pubs, bad company... and plenty other stuff. 

I yearned for honest living, that every now and then, I see my dear beloved without feeling contaminated and frustrated. So why did I still see dirt in my own flesh, the indulgence?

WHY GOD DO I GO THROUGH THESE SINFUL THOUGHTS, AS IF I AM STILL THE SCREWED UP GUY?!

I don't know. I often prayed long and hard, that someone listened to me. For a year, I wandered in my own, because no one really listened. They just talked and talked and talked. They never really listened to what I have in mind. And Father... why is it that people tend to see this act as someone who is akin to a delinquent kid? Why?

I am not too sure, but I don't want to leave God out of my life. He really did bless me when times are bad - with good friends, good church, good pastor, good people around. I am just saddened by my own sinfulness, my own guilt and shame. Can I still be saved from the depths of dirt that I have succumbed myself to?

Father...