Waking up with a jarring effect on my hearing isn't the first time experienced after the hangover, despite the loud music and the shouting from the company I had the day before. Guess the feeling of hangover is already a guilt-ridden emotions. Sometimes, I look into my life and I start to wonder if whatever I played along in my life was worth the journey. When the morning breaks, my usual mode of contemplation has, in recent months, turned sour and inwards, like a blade cutting deep into the wounds that was supposed to heal. The hardest part of the day was actually in the morning, when I heard the conscience whispering, ever not giving up the hope of prompting the inner soul of this nagging question:
"Why am I in this thought again?"
Memories - mostly good but perverted, consummated me again and again. Convincing myself that I have been healed, I moved on a journey of companionship, not letting difficulties coming my way anymore. Now is the time for commitment, I told myself, and since then I have been limping through the darkness thinking that I have been enlightened.
I was wondering at times, what am I fighting for, seriously? To survive in this world? To gain recognition as the favoured guitarist in my friends' band? To be able to perform onstage one day telling the stories of my screwed up perspective? To actually be able to sit and the back and control the music, and let people know that it is I, THE sound engineer, who is in-charge? To actually spend most of the days with my girlfriend and her family, and to have a pleasant time together? To be safe and sound and healthy and prosperous in my community? To gain a title for my own for the respect I fought hard for? To get the best intimate moments with the best girls that I know I can have sex with? To lean onto the understanding of the wise and being called the wisest of all? To be part of the holy ones and ordained myself to be celibate and be consecrated before God?
I often wondered all these things when I am alone in my room waking up early in the morning, after a horrible dream night. And too much was being digested in the head, because it felt so much like a hangover. Real hangover.
This new year, literally I felt as if whatever that I have achieved for years have now being drained down and become null. Sometimes, we all think that life in its finest are the achievement of milestones and all the striking off from the bucket list. I myself, however, leaning onto my bed and looking up onto the empty ceiling, wondered if it all meant the same whether we stroke off the bucket list or to set resolutions to meet our milestones (be it of good morale conscience or something dare-devil that we want to try).
"We are still, after all, human. Fallen beings."
I see the corruption of humanity even in myself, when troubles strike, and adversities come our ways. I would tend to explain off and blame it onto someone else - giving excuses that it is not initially my fault that has caused this problem. Just like Adam and Eve, I am equally guilty of being sinful. And yet, I think high and mighty and press it upon others for reasons of upward mobility. And slicing the conscience layer into thin surface gradually, I thought of life as running like a rat in a rat race, though at the end I am still a rat. Wonder who went that far to think and how much we have become to lure ourselves away from our conscience.
What did I learn during 2013? Plenty to begin with, but more of a guilty sense rather than a contemplative and reflective. Firstly, in my work place I have realised just how much power-driven I am towards attaining the respect from my colleagues and my peers. My temper was actually surprisingly rampant (though if you really know me since the beginning of friendship you may have thought that I have re-packaged my anger to be of more justified righteousness). My attitude towards authorities are very childish and constantly imagining that I am the right one. My affluence towards monetary control gave me more freedom, and many price to pay in the meantime. Lewd living, spending beyond what's capable on my end, treat poverty with distaste - my attitude towards social justice has become totally laughing stock. I even subscribed towards the idea that we are entitled for better living, just like how Buddhism and Hinduism believe. Worst still, I have been influenced by the family of my girlfriend to think that we deserve better, therefore now I am a practicing glutton learning to reduce my food intake, less health is slowly decaying from the inside.
With all these in mind, I find it hard to move on with 2014, especially when I broke so much resolutions. Not only did I fail to comply, I actually went the other direction, and therefore now leaving myself deceitful shackles hoarding round my conscience limbs. I couldn't imagine this happened, and for now, all I can do is to just to leave myself in a lurch.
"What is this, my child? Have you given up hope?"
It is in one of the night in Hong Kong, that I heard a faint whisper from the same source but in a different tone. Instead of reprimanding and stern whisper, this whisper has changed into a tone of gentle yet sympathizing. Was it because I am getting tired of running, and now I can only lay low and watch my soul rot - that in such shameful visual I suddenly see a grain of light vignetting across?
"God desires a contrite heart - so never give up - until the end."
Would we all receive forgiveness? Despite all the above? I wondered out loud at that particular morning, looking out to the tall buildings surrounding my hotel stay. Looking at the scenery on a winter, with neighbourhood still reeking from the post-new-year-celebration, I wondered if my contemplation would make any sense at all. They don't seem to get the idea that coming into a new year, a new beginning may have begun, or so I thought to myself.
I drafted today, 5 days into the new year, hoping that this will thus begin the journey of redemption. Slowly walking with my beloved, I decide that I need to have orientation of my life. At least I have to consistently look upon the direction of which the beacon leads me. And do not over commit over far-fetched resolutions, but rather keep in simple milestones what is the Lord's direction - one at a time. I have affinity towards sexual immorality, so I have to find something on it. I have lost touch with my health track over food intake and my frequent jog, so I should look into that as well. Short trips with my good friend just to chill and enjoy the company for a day or two may have been a good idea as part of the self-retreat over the weekend. Above all, me and my beloved decide to spend more time discovering our faith in each pace (hers with her cousin who has been trying to encourage her to undertake retreats and bible studies, while I am thinking very hard to go back into the cell group routine).
I am indeed sinful, as I reflect on 2013. Must worse than the previous years, especially when heinous thoughts were conceived and undesired and provocative actions were exhibited to veil the inner sinful character of mine. Perhaps for 2014, I would take heed to listen to the poor conscience again, at least giving him a better rest despite in a house arrest.
Hebrews 12:1-12. Amen.
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