There have been many a night that I am thinking about relationship with girls. And I am not just saying it - as if it is like part of my life, and it should not constitute much problem to me. In fact, as an adult, there should be many other things that I am more worried about. For example, my studies in University - how I still maintain integrity and consistency despite having a turbulent semester last year; my band, am I still keen on doing it as my main career with my newfound band members; and the most important part of all - my own character building - have I been doing something right or wrong in the first place?
So many thoughts in my mind, but in fact none compared to the strength of this. The struggle of the issue of falling in love with a girl.
Last night, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. Something inside me needs to be decide. If I continue to be in this constant pendulum swinging from being quiet to being friendly without standing still and proclaiming what I have been throughout these days, it is not going to help anyone. Particularly - the way I look at the girl that I like.
Call her A.
In particularly these days, when during Christmas, I got so interested to chat with her face-to-face, after chatting online for several month. 10 months to be exact. Not that I am comfortable with it, but when she is at the other continent of where I am living; when she is studying a pre-university course where else I am already halfway to graduate as a university student; when her interest is only to chat with me in the name of friendship where else I am having thought of asking her out as my girlfriend.
Such distraction shouldn't be downplayed, and because I choose to downplay it, the meeting face to face aggravate my fantasy more. I could not sleep the night after we had our face on chatting session, and perhaps I have made it too obvious for her to suspect things like this. I don't want to wreak the relationship we had already been having - good net-friends, yet I know that staying in this comfort zone is not what I intended to be. It is not a good ground for me. I went through something horrible than this because of complacency, and I don't want to sorta do it again.
It was with the other girl. Call her B. She is studying in New York. Unlike A, she is in the same year wiht me. Studying third year as in marketing, waiting to graduate too.
We talk on the net more often too, but there come to a stage when I tried again. In fact, I knew it was not the right call for me. I was just anxious, and giving flowery words. She told me she is glad for me, but she knew that I am not sincere. I had someone in mind. When I told her that I never had a serious one before, she thought I was joking.
I was not joking. I have never had a serious relationship. But I had a serious crush on a girl I should not.
She and me had so much social class difference. Parents believe the different thing. Her parents believed in Jesus Christ, and so am I. My parents believed in Buddism, and my father believed in science. Her parents think far beyond just money and materialism. They care for their children alot, and they are friendly to me. My parents would rather us become a tool of income for them.
Actually, I had quite a number of resentment towards my parents, but as times come, I learned to forgive most of those resentment that I have towards them. So it won't do justice for me to elaborate about them here.
So back to this.
She had clean record on her Christianity account. I came from terrible bouts of turmoil before landing to know her. I used to do nasty thing that not many people could imagine a Christian could do, but I learned to compose myself more as times come by. She had great account with people around her: citing her for being friendly - but I had some bad history with certain people because of my previous own fault account and also my bad attitude towards certain people.
Sometime I hide the thought of asking her out, because I always have the thought of being negative and knowing that me and her will be impossible. There are many times when I manage to convince myself to just forget about asking her out, and try for other people. However in the end, I would cry late at night, calling myself being useless. I am lousy as a guy - be frank.
So, when the meeting occurs between A and me that night, though we went off in a group, all I could see is me and her alone. After that night I SMSed her to tell her that she was great, this and that - but I didn't send across the main message - thanks for giving me the chance to chat with you face to face.
It took me 3 long days to convince myself that it would never happen again, because I don't want to advance to close and to make things too obvious that I took an interest on her. But on the last day before I confessed, I sensed that I cannot hide it anymore. There were many nights that I would just think of her and pray for her fervently. And I know it is wrong. I should put God's promise in priority list, then my walk with God, then my studies. Relationship supposed to be something that God will provide. Instead, I prayed in this manner: "God, please bless A in anyway that you can. You know that she is currently taking exam, blah blah blah..." Well, I do pray for myself, but I realised I have become more and more selfish at the end of the whole bout.
So while I did not know what I am going to do with it, I told her about my struggle to her. And I told her that I had a crush on her, and I had difficulty concealing my thought.
Well, guess what - before I could ask her out, I knew what she would respond - so I never asked her out.
Well, of course, she rejected me in an indirect manner. She told me that she felt it is not ready yet, and she had no intention having one.
After all these - you would have thought that I am gonna cry out loud. After all, I told her that despite telling her all these, I hope it wouldn't jeopardize our relationship as being good friends. I took her as my best net friend, though I think she just take me as a normal friend. Well, imagine, being rejected as a boyfriend is already sad enough to bring me to sadness.
Instead, I felt enlightened. I did not cry or whatsoever. I suddenly realised, how much I had neglected God. I remembered the early days after my revelation that I was so fervent for the Lord, that I would dare myself to proclaim myself to people that I love God so much. Where has all those gone to? Is it because of being complacent to the current situation whereby I am safe and sound even without the presence of God that makes feel that I am alright with the situation I am in right now?
This morning, I felt slightly different. After the confession, I realise that perhaps she is right. I am not ready either. I still got plenty to learn from God before I can go and have a partner for life. No, in fact, even after I found my wife, I may have plenty of things to learn from God too, but I know for now, I am still far from ready. So, why not learn first like a baby from God about His Word?
