E R O S

I used to like the idea a lot.

Having a girlfriend besides me while I am studying. She just sit there, doing her reading. Occasionally, she would gaze up at her laptop, checking on her messenger to see who messages her. At times, she would run through some forums that chat about the latest fashion news online.

After a few while, noticing that she has been given a dreamy stare, she shifts her sitting to move next to me. A simple touch on my shoulder, and I would know the signal. I will then turn back to my studies, with right hand a pen readily available for writing, and a left hand holding something so dear to me, I would never want to let go, even though it is an assurance that "I am here, don't worry my dear."

Such a scenario seems ideal, but that has always been something I yearn for many years. I guess I could include decade if it wasn't the fact that I started ogling that thought while I was in Secondary 2 (14 years old).

For such a simplicity motion, denotes a profound meaning in my life.

Why such simplicity? Why can't I choose something more 'dramatic'? Think about it, I was hellbent, thanks to my dramatic past-life of being a juvenile delinquent, before God gave me a personal ticket towards heaven. Yeah, personal ticket. He came to specifically and personally bring us to Himself.

But why simple thing like this?

The first meaning that I learn from the word 'Love' is not the love I learn about Jesus Christ. I learn the word as 'eros', the love for a female counterpart. Romantic love.

But, I am dramatic. Not because I want to, but I am scared to be committed. I watched soap opera since young. I know how romantic love is like. In the beginning, you must confess your feeling to her. In the end, you have to be committed to a girl. Else, there is no other way that she would know that you like her.

I can't do both.

I am very traumatized to confess my feeling to a girl I like. It is a fear to me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she tell you blatantly, "You are not my type. Go away."

My Secondary 2's confession to a girl turns out that way. And I was humiliated in the entire school for being 'a frog trying to love a princess'.

I am worried about commitment. Commitment means you have to stick to her for a long period of time. In a proper covenant, you should stick 'til death does us apart.

I always screwed my commitment, because I don't want to be chained with norms. I don't like conformity, although I realize most of the time I would do it unconsciously. I like being a rebel. I like that kind of attention.

So feeling in love should not be the right thing for me to do.

But why, do I still entertain these fantasy?

I asked God about it.

I really did. I wasn't just wanting to play around my feeling and think, "Perhaps it is just my hormone. 'K, time to study now."

It was disturbing to me.

He guided me. Not in a way I wanted it to be, but in a way that showed His Glory a lot.

Through the days, many of my inner struggles, and my bitterness in things that don't work out - turns better and strengthened me along the way. And, I believe, romantic love, to Him, is also part of the plan.

That is why, the night, when I garnered enough courage to confess to her, and told her that I like her, it meant a lot to me.

It happened quite abruptly. I initially wanted to just do chats and rabbling about how my project failed this semester, and how I was disappointed with the way things turned out.

Either it was me, or God's plan, that our conversation somehow manage to go towards relationship. And either it was just me, or God's plan, that I could actually said these,

"You know something? I was thinking that I am not ready for a love commitment with a girl, 'cause I think I still got a lot of inner struggles, as my cell group leader justifies for me. But I can't deny this feeling I have for ... ... ... this girl I like. It was you."

It sound very awkward, because she was actually prepared to listen to my rabbling, not my confession. But she handled off very well.

A claim that she chose to have relationship after she is 21 is a sound, justifiable, and respectable. She didn't threw me off, and she didn't play mind game with me. A direct, honest answer.

And that night, after everything, I came back to my room. I sat on my bed, being silent. I looked out the window.

First time in my life - I felt normal. Nothing spectacular.

It is as if - romantic love wasn't the thing that stir me towards euphoria anymore. It is as if, like how I feel when I got rather good grades for my term assignments. It is as if I save my money enough to buy an Ipod Nano. It is as if I have finished my term assignments using my best effort, and on time.

Normal. Typical feeling.

It shows one thing - romantic love is not the thing that satisfy me. It also shows another - only God's love is quenchable to me. I can only recall the time when I keep on coming back to Christ, and I always felt so overwhelmed, that I can only breakdown and submit to God. I felt that I horribly need God.

Or at times when I play music as a musician, I would stammer or just jerk suddenly, because to me, music is like in my soul. It felt so great, it felt so ecstatic I couldn't help stay up all night, practicing whatever songs, just jamming, and I felt happy, glad, and beyond words of happiness.

So, what do I learn? Simple.

Leave it to God. If she is not for me, so be it. And it seems that - she is not for me.

But who knows? God knows.

Amen.