Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You

Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You

I always thought that it is easy to say, "I love you", without having to consider the consequences. I thought that fairy tales' love stories are pretty much straight forward. You don't have to think too much, just go ahead and be yourself, and start telling the girl, "My dear, I love you."

How wrong I am.

When I initially confess to her, it was not easy. Millions of things running through my head.

What if I am not good enough for her?

What if she thinks that I am not a person she could trust forever with?

What if I practiced infidelity when we are together?

When those thoughts came to mind, I realized that I might not be able to give my all to her after all.

But somehow, something hits my mind.

If I gonna keep on going through these motions of thoughts, I will never be able to move on.

That prompted me to tell her - I want to give her my all, if I could do it to the best.

Funny how just one thought in a million can change my mind so fast. It is as if after killing all your brain cells with so many unnecessary things, a simple statement like that could impulsively burn the bridges that you have been trying very hard to cross, and all you know that you need to do is to cross over that bridge.

And I wondered why, until I see her face yesterday.

I don't know what prompted me to say that, "With you beside me, I don't feel the need to see other people at all." Either that could be just a spur of a moment of love, or I truly believe in it.

Because till yesterday, I thought that there are other pretty girls out there as well.

She felt very insecure. I felt insecure as well.

I felt insecure because until last night, I still don't believe that I have gotten myself a great girlfriend. I still can't believe that she loves me as much, if not more than me. I still can't believe how sweet she treated me, and that so much love is given to me.

I thought that chasing people who I am not sure whether or not they like me is more believable, but perhaps I may have entertained that thought a lot, and it affected her.

She felt insecure when I start ogling at other girls, or start talking about other girls.

I realized how stupid I was.

Isn't it obvious that she loves you that much?

So why you still don't believe it?

Somehow this reminds me of my faith in Christianity. You know, to have Someone who loves you no matter what you do doesn't sound right. Somehow to believe in someone who loves you for the things that you do sound more believable than that.

And I initially rejected that idea also. How can I believe in that kind of Jesus, who claimed to have died for me because He loves me, when I never even met Him?

But somehow - that seemed to spark something.

From young, no one really tells me that he/she loves me for who I am. I am as a person. I am as a guy. I am as a blessed baby born into this world. But no one tells me that.

And with this kind of background, to have someone loving you no matter who you are, what you do - even though it sounds horrendously scandalous, it somehow matters to me.

I read about history, read about the validity, read about His life when He was on earth.

And I realized He meant what He said when He said He really loves everyone.

People of his days, there are hierarchy when it comes to social class. The hierarchy has religious upbringing denoted as the rank. And you could put it in this manner - Jesus was supposed to be on relatively high rank, given His statutes, His knowledge of those writings left by prophets.

But, what surprised me was that He doesn't even care if there's this thing called social class. To Him, everyone is the same. Because He loves everyone, and everyone has the same benefits.

That's why for Him to mix around with prostitute, tax collectors and physically sick - that kind of caring He showed to those people - they are scandalous.

He can still maintain His integrity as being a good person (never have sex with prostitute, never ask the tax collectors to give some money to Him, never tell the sick people to advertise His healing power), and yet being a friend, even to the extend as a lover to many.

That love, when it came to me last night, just broke my heart.

I just realized that I have a living example, who is a girl who desire to know me more.

You see, I never believed in fate before. I do believe though that there could be coincidence, but those happen because there might be something that God wants to tell me. But never fate.

But recently, my mentor kept on reminding me that the way I define fate makes me feel that it is not real.

I never believed in fate, because I thought that it was bullshit to me. I never had any opportunity to have the kind that just flows well to me, rightfully to me I mean.

So - being a Christian is never what I consider to be fate. I thought that I have to earn it to become one.

My mentor corrected me. He told me - we are chosen to be pre-destined to meet up with God. And that also applies for relationship as well.

So when she is sitting besides me in that MRT rail, when I start to believe that it is really fate that brought both of us together, I hastily took her hand, hold it very close, and never want to let go.

I just want to feel like this forever, but saying it sound very 'cliche'.

So I just look at her face. She asked me what.

I just. I don't know.

But I want to feel like that forever. That fate - that makes me believe in God, the Christian God - that fate, makes me believe in her.

Thanks J.