The Slow Thinker

I am generally not the type who would be able to give quick opinions that is well-crafted, deep and intellectual. Even if I do speak up, there will be 2 cases (with its frequency depending on how is the relationship between me and the person involved). One is when I will immediately step in my opinions, which is admittedly shallow minded, very idealistic and more often offending to hear. Second is when I will take, from an hour till a year (depending, like what I say, how close or important is the relationship) to reply or to give my opinions. 

In relation to the frequency, to make life simpler, I would just normally keep quiet and listen. I figure that by doing this, it is actually a process of 'getting to know the situation better'. However, behind that face lies a person being indecisive of his opinions. 

Sometimes I wonder - how much that silence actually truncated the friendships I have with people. In my workplace, people generally think that I am loud-spoken when with colleagues that I am comfortable with, but kept quiet when the opinions (or oppositions) count during important meeting. And although it has decreased in time, I still think I am like that.

The subtly also applies, in some ways, to my relationship with close ones (this, unfortunately minuses my parents and my sister at the moment. I hope to be able to reconcile this relationship with them, at least during their lifetime, not mine). My mentor, and a few of my close friends who belief in the same faith would also be the ones that do the talking. I would, in the meantime just sit and listen and hear the wisdom. There are times when I do speak up. Those, actually, are the time when I am in desperation to be heard. Like: a struggle in life, sex, temptation, lust, guilt, shame, anger, greed, and so on. Things are pretty much, in short, messed up when I decide to seek comfort and help.

Honestly, I am glad they gave me the avenue to. But sometimes, at the back of my head, I often wonder how indecisive I must have been, to take 2-3 months normally to decide and do it. Sometimes, I would wander in midriff thinking what can be the other ways of doing it, which end up not doing anything at all. 

I am not sure how does writing this down help, but I just want it to be off my chest, so that I won't dwell in it for too long. Far too long. But then again, I might be surprised later on to find that everyone does face this problem.

I'm not sure.