[memory]: away from the past

[Prologue]:

Before I move to pen my thoughts on whatever that's going on in my life, I felt there's much to update about what I have been doing nowadays, and how much I have owed many people a general apology for the absence. Honestly, I have been going through a ride I have abandoned a long time ago, and still wondering if I made the right decision to move to the next step of my life as of now. I dare not say things have been easier, but there are times where I realize the journey has grown arduous and strenuous. But the perspective from a good friend of mine has thought me life as a follower of Christ.

[start]:

W O R K

I think it is safe to say that I have decided to move into a simpler life. Simpler in a sense that I have decided to move into another field of industry, while maintaining my engineering professionalism. To be honest, since the earlier part of the year I have already decided to quit my current work and decide to pursue another company as part of my 'upgrade'. Upgrade in a sense on income and job responsibility but not commitment. I am actually thinking more of lesser commitment (9-5 or self-priority-time-assessment). This is quite a challenge, knowing that in the working field I don't really have the luxury to anticipate simpler work-life balance. My experience in my current company taught me that life is no bed of roses. There were many expectations around, and I need to learn to adapt - however difficult things are - to the very unbalanced work commitment.

Of course, there's also another motive why I decide to have a different kind of work commitment. I would like to take up music commitment. Knowing this will mean start from scratch, I decide to hunt into some courses. Recently Berkelee School of Music offered quite good online courses, so I am going to look into those. Already there's one advisor attached to mentor and guide me on choosing the correct courses that I would want to venture into. However, I decide that I may go slower than expected, because to be honest, I am still not prepared to go full-fledged into music career, however God may want me to be. I think this is still relatively unknown for me. And taking up a course means I just need to spend some more time organizing my time table in the future.

R E L A T I O N S H I P

I guess, by now, I find it slightly hard to conceal - the fact that I have now a commitment. I am in a relationship with someone in my work place. She is one of the smartest girl I have met so far, and yet very gentle when it comes to dealing with people. She has a strong character of assertion yet polite when she is addressing an agenda. I loved, too, her face and her eyes. Those gentle facial expression caught my attention. And she is very trustworthy when it comes to handling responsibility. I am especially attracted by her friendliness towards her colleagues and friends too.

We have been together for about 3 weeks now. When we got to know each other, despite attraction for each other, we decide to first maintain friendship. We understood that there's grave consequences if we plunged into a relationship without getting to know the actual person. I told her too that we can easily fantasize about each other without realizing the damage it will cause if we turn out to be different from what we fantasized upon. So, after a while, we think that we can give this relationship a try.

Getting into a relationship taught me a life of self-sacrifice. Really. I am not kidding.

The initial part was really the hardest. I remembered some nights when she called me to chat up with some stuff with me to seek assurance from some bad moments she went through. I told her that what's important is that part of the difficult moments is to teach us never to fall again. It is very easy to say it to her at that time. At that time, I too face some dilemma in getting into this relationship with her too. Many different perspective in things caused us difficult moments to get together. It is as if both of us have quite differing perspective at certain issues. So, for me to say those words is somewhat hypocritical, knowing that I myself face the similar problem in applications.

I think, the greatest lesson learned is to listen, and to give too. Many instances whereby I am forced to give up my own time of leisure to accompany her with her calls really caught me into some sort of resentments. But I realize that, left to my own, I might not use the time of leisure well, as evidenced during my single years.

Now, things are slightly better. We went through difficult moments together, and the time when we are able to past through those dark moments - and we are having one as I write my blog now - is really a lesson of humility. I too am learning how to treat her as a sister created in Christ. She has been recently slowly learning to understand my faith too.

There's another issue on the non-Christian and Christian being together, but until I am well articulate with the thought, I will withhold my comment on this matter.

[end]:

F A I T H

I have been challenged deeply on the issue of repentance and coming into faith recently, especially when the issue of me getting into a relationship with a non-Christian actually did cause some damage to my own thoughts. I have my moments of being in a relationship with someone in the past (2 years ago). Despite the 2 months journey, I have been challenged of the notion of getting into a relationship with her, several times by my mentor at that time. She was... not a pleasant person to begin with. I went into a relationship with the wrong motive, and ended up hurting myself bad during my single years.

As of my current relationship, she has quite a different worldview compared to my ex, and I don't think I should make any comparison as well - not to make myself feel better or worse. But my thought on the non-Christian part actually did take some peace out of me during the initial part of the relationship. Although we got together after several days of 'get-to-know-better' sessions as friends, I know that this issue will be quite a big thing in the future. I do see the possibility of marriage, but that is something I think need a lot of time.

I don't see my relationship with her now as an evangelical act of romanticism. This is considered unacceptable, especially considering this action to be a replacement of a messianic role. I see the relationship between me and her an opportunity, though, to show the love that was first given to me through the death on the cross. However, I think, there are times I find some difficulties in living out this love. There are times, when she would call up in the middle of the night because she found herself not being able to sleep. I have to think of ways to calm her down, and assured her that things are okay and she can continue on sleeping. Of course, I have moments too that irritates her, and she too had shown mercy and love in return to assure me of her love. In many ways both of us are like partners at work. When one is facing a problem, the other will actively try to spur one on and continue the relationship. 

One thing that tested my faith in this relationship was my urges in sex and the condemnation of pursuing a love relationship with a non-Christian. I realized that the urges are strong when there's opportunity to be alone. I remembered one incident in a park where it is quite isolated, and it was very late in the night. Thoughts came in very strong. Next day, I told her that there shouldn't be any more 'park moments'. She wasn't quite happy, because the part moments meant well for her. This is one of the instances whereby our worldview had differences, and I had to explain well to her to let her know the importance of respecting her and taking care of her well.

As of the non-Christian-part principle, because of my faith-upbringing in my university and with my mentor, I have an impending thought that being attached with a non-Christian is an abomination to God. I don't know if it could be ranked as the same as being a homosexual, but the strong sense of condemnation was present in my head, utterly causing me to fell down many times at home at my knees. My prayer to God was also a desperate plea to take away the attractive sensation of being in love with someone and make me to love appropriately. As of now, what I hear was, "Be a testimony to her. Give her to Me". My counselor remarked that it could be a possibility of humble submission to Christ, and not holding even an ounce of my supposed belonging in her. However, he made it clear that it is not theologically wrong to pursue a relationship with a non-Christian. Neither do a few of my close friends. So perhaps what they are concerned about is not the theology and the rules, but the attitude of the heart in this relationship.

I penned these thoughts down, because at some point of time, I knew I need to come back to read what I have written to remind myself of my journey in faith. I believe this is one of the most difficult journey I have been, and to be honest, I have a feeling that there are people who will think that my pursuit in this relationship is considered a bad move. Perhaps they are right too. After all, I know of myself of not being able to make the correct decisions at many times. However, I decide that the friendships matter above differences. I write because I want to still be as accountable friends to those who care. And honestly, I am ashamed of myself too. But I have learned that the things that I have gone through in this relationship did teach me things that I have not considered at all, and a good lesson of humility.