Was I holding back too much?
Was I still thinking of the past relationship?
Why wasn't I moving on and start embracing the freedom to love again?
---------------------------------------------
A message yesterday night stroked the entire conviction. Prior to that message, I was actually having a heavy heart sharing with my counselor on my struggles in life, especially my attraction for a girl. It was, in freak manner, led into my honest sharing with him about my struggles with her, and how much I have done to have made things worse.
It was quite liberating, yet convicting, after the session. Realizing what I did was wrong, I tried to amend things by thinking through how to approach her about my struggles in self-control. I never thought that it came so naturally when she called and asked where did I go.
Remembering the importance of honesty and transparency, I told her the truth. And it hurts.
The comment that everywhere I go with her, reminiscence of my past was present - it was a bleak revelation. I never thought that much, but she thought it was. Where I go out with her, where I bring her for lunch, what I liked to do - it reminiscent a scent of my past with me. The past where I had with my ex-girlfriend. And apparently she felt that the flavor of her was too strong. She wanted me to think about this, and decide again whether to want to continue this relationship.
I felt horrible. I took half day leave today because I felt bad hurting her.
2 years. 2 long years. And still I cannot let go the fact that I am now in a different stage. 2 long years.
And honestly, it was just a 2-month-relationship. Did that really get in that deep? My emotions, my hurts?
Before lunchtime just now, she dropped me a message:
"I think it is better for us to clarify things today. I will contact you after work."
I could only momentarily read the message with a bleak note. Knowing her, I think she meant a possible break up.
------------------------------------------
I understood where she is coming from. Everything we have, she told me she felt me holding back. When there are sharing sessions, we talked a lot, but she couldn't touch my heart deeply. She can only know the exterior, at most my character and my favorite things. She couldn't touch deep into my heart.
Because in my heart, I am still unsure if I am able to. I really want to love, but the love that I gave to the person who I loved before - ended up being told that I was in the wrong relationship (and I am very convinced of that, to be honest), and now to have another person means I am quite wary whether should I sacrificially love her.
Honestly, I want to give this love a chance. It is too mean to put people in the same standard as my ex. She is she, my ex is my ex. All that is left is a memory, and not a specification.
But I know, from the tone of what she has just messaged me... I knew that she meant bleakly.
... in my half-heartedness... God... what would you will me to do? I am ... sorry to be stupid...
No comments:
Post a Comment