[reflection]: have mercy

Dear Father,

With a broken heart I wrote to you, with a soul wanting to please but forbidden. I pray that Lord, you have mercy on me. 

With each passing day, I thank the Lord for giving me a chance to live and mend the wrongs. Yet each and every day I dread the moment to be awake.

The hurt and the pain will come again, and the thought of attachment with someone unless she's abiding in you remains in my head.

I would like to help myself, to be away with sin, porn especially, but how deep is the hurt running in me.

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I now see my addiction as cheap means to live, because when you subdue in addiction, you forget the rest,

You know in the mind you want not to indulge, but the ecstasy was so great you couldn't resist.

You hate what happened after the excitement, but you will yourself to trade the guilt with prohibited pleasure.

With that I forget that the means for fulfillment in eternity is not indulgence in flesh aspiration.

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Have mercy, and thank you for letting me live again, for it is this day that you promised good to me,

Each moment when I am on the phone, I couldn't gather enough courage to tell her that I want to respect and love her the way you did,

Because the thought of indulging in forbidden boundaries seemed much more exciting.

Our belief, being different, makes things even worse to begin the deepening bond of commitment.

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I don't know, seriously, how to proceed. But I do know that both of us need to love a new love,

Deeper than anything and more sacrificial than what we could achieve.

That can only be done if Christ is in the relationship, putting him first above everything else.

Then that's when the focus of our relationship will always remain rooted in the common principles.

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I wish that my friends could root their commitment in me, to check on me weekly and to ask me how I was doing,

But even so, I fear that I will find a way to lie each week just to survive. I don't know how to make things better,

But the life I am living now is worst of than where I began, so I wonder...

Just how far my journey will end? In heaven or in hell?