[reflection]: in deep thoughts...

I took leave today and tomorrow to purpose myself thinking about things that I have been doing so far - and also to take a deep breath on things.

And here I am, in Starbucks buying myself a Green Tea Latte Grande in the middle of Bugis, trying to keep sober with work and shopping list.

I saw, in the mail box, how much things that I have owed to my supervisor on the outstanding stuff, and the requirements my clients were looking for. Besides, my iPhone kept reminding me of the schedules that I have in the upcoming days, starting from Saturday. The thoughts that I may have wasted my leave days just doing work related stuff stoked me up that I purposely took my time to Bugis (a Singapore tourist attraction near the central area) and bought some of the 'necessary shirts, pants and belt' for work-related requirement. The thought that I need to elevate myself into a position better than mere jeans and polo T's really got hold me of me.

In the front view of where I am sitting I am observing things around me - a gentleman dropping down his glass of hot mocha perhaps, and everyone looked for a short while before resuming the work. Simple actions, that don't require much attention, and everything's back to normal.

Then it struck in my head.

I am sitting in here, enjoying the drink and trying to savor every bit of this serenity in the midst of my leave day, while knowing that part of the world there are people trying to survive through their lives, whether through natural disasters or by domestical issues, such as civil wars, violence, etc.

And by such a thought I realize how much we all, living in the world of consumerism and individualistic materialism - that we forgot the the means of survival has merely gone into some aesthetically well defined standards without having any essence within the soul of mankind.

Perhaps in the midst of all that we have gone through, we have forgotten the means of survival that grappled with life and death - and so easily we think that 'enough Youtube, Twittering, Facebooking, etc..' will get us past through lives magnificently. Even for the younger ones, blogging and emailing were so 'yesterday'. And the geeks will compete on 'iOS versus Androids' and having thoughts that these younger ones were thinking just like rats in a race. 

I don't know much of what's in the purpose of the events that took places recently, but on a reflective note, doesn't things like this reminds us of the fragility of living? And to make the most of what we have in life - apart from getting what we want?

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My struggles with depression that happened for the span of years has taught little about how to survive each day. To be honest, people with depression will often tell you, despite your best effort, a sunny day doesn't make things look nicer and more elegant. And loneliness will not go away despite having friends around us. Perhaps it is with difficulty that people tried to explain the differences in perspective that caused the diagnosed to feel apathetic to what is being told by kind souls. 

I was reading through writings by Henri Nouwen, especially of the journals written during his days at Daybreak L'Arche and that really caused me to wonder about the depths of depression that I have. Looking at such a spiritual guy revealing his depths of sadness and how far he felt striving for living happily that made me repent to dust thinking about my own depression with life. One particular astounding revelation he wrote, though, which really appealed to me as something poignant was his willingness to share about a 'special friend' that caused him to stir despite having recent spiritual encounters with the handicapped, the servants and the bishops. Sometimes, in the deepest desire of us mankind we unconsciously tap into the desire of what God has been drafting the purpose for us all along: We were made for relationship.

Our desire to be in union with people has always been something unavoidable. Despite attempts to make ourselves the 'only one', the fact that we want people to know that we are the only ones is actually telling indirectly our hints that we were once hungry for relationship, but because the relationship fails, we decide not to be hurt again. We do acknowledge the importance of relationship, just that due to the adversities that caused disagreement we decide to attempt on 'lonely-road'. I remembered reading an article that mentioned that those who tried to live a lone ranger will die the most unhappy of all. In media, 'Get Low', a movie acted on this principle with Robert Duvall as the main character, realized the importance of acceptance and thus bringing him back on a redemptive note to Someone - sang throughout the chorus of belonging that so often evades us.

Our media today continually propagate the notion of lone battle on many things. Acquisitions are always emphasized based on sole credit. Depiction of heroes are always 'sole survivor'-s. Advertisements project the product selling onto one particular beautiful artifacts. Even kids' advertisement always show one particular kid standing out because of applying the product selling. Individualism has pushed the boundaries such that educations do not tolerate two or more No. 1's. There's only one Number One. 

To realize this strong perpetuation of individualism on my own life is so easy. My act of writing a blog here now, with my earphone fixated where the pair is supposed to be, plus the fact that I am sharing a table with another stranger who apparently is also oblivious to what we both were doing - it indirectly championed the notion of individualistic approach to attending strangers. Of course, this is not a general stereotype (because he could be reading his papers to be published for serious purposes - imagine what happened if I were to disturb him by saying 'Hi, how are you?' - but the evidence could be swept across the board, even in this Starbuck cafe where I am at.

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When Japan was struck with disaster one after the other, to be honest, there's a weird feeling of heartbreak towards the country. It is easy actually to reason the weird connection. Since young (as a 7-year-old boy I remembered), I liked to watch comics from Japan. At that moment, I actually start reading Japan's depiction of American comics (after the era of Marvel Superheroes) - such as Dragonball Z, Slam Dunk and many more. As I aged further, my parents would buy me Super Nintendo games, a manufacturer from Japan also - along with games such as Street Fighter, Fist of Fury and Final Fantasy. These gave me some influences on Japan's technology in me. To this credit (and till this day perhaps) I am still very influenced by the technology derived from Japan (Sony, Pioneer, Audio Technica being the few consumer to pro sound equipment that I will always get my hands on). 

As I aged towards maturity (around young adults year) my first overseas trip apart from Malaysia to Singapore is actually Japan. Thanks to the company that I have been working on previous account, I gain wider exposure on things in Japan. Specifically, the culture there brought me to a stood-still. The friendliness they have, the genuine conformity towards system requirement, and the extreme adherence to ethics and the reason behind these etiquettes were extremely impressive. I used to be an extreme opposition of conformity, until I see the influence of conformity in Japan as something highly substantial and relevant.

In the time when disaster struck, the one thing that impressed the world, despite the casualties is the strong cooperation from citizens and victims (especially victims). Despite the lack of food and drinks - people would still queue up systematically, spaces taken in refuge center were so organized and so nicely divided that no one would take one inch of space more than the other. Elders and children will always be given the priority no matter what - and people will not complain. Yes, in the news there are people who had some discomfort and disagreement with how the things, especially the delay of the aids for those injured - but literally everyone (probably what here would mean were the ones onscreen interviewed) agreed that this is the best that can be done, and they will 'try their best' to maintain composure. Even the emperor was impressed with the cooperation of the victims, after 'being seen by the world'. 

Conformity is also the reason why there are workers who would risk their lives in nuclear plant putting out fire and cooling the reactor. In Chernobyl and Three Miles Island Accidents, perhaps lack of information or knowledge about the extreme risk of radiation stunted their consciousness and thereby proceeded to saving the plant. Of course, there's historical evidence that ultimately people understood the risk and by the time they fled away from the radioactive region, hundreds are affected and died young. But for Japan, these people went through daily routine maintaining the safety of these nuclear plant, being educated well enough especially with the advancement of technology and also the moral learnt throughout history - and still in their conformance to the safety of the community, they stood to ground and decide on their own initiative to put out the fire and cooling down the reactors. Such nobility were hard to come by - if we were to take back the benchmark of individualism. Individualistic approach would then be the reason why radiation would spread further: no one care for others, everyone's concerned for their own safety. Conformity puts people's interest above their own selves. 

I won't elaborate further beyond the point - you draft your own thoughts from what is mentioned above.

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I imagine that embracing differences would be the first most requirement of conformity. It may sound contradictory, but I believe they can be complimentary. Conformity is not a blind motion of being same as the rest - but the act where you know that the other person is different from you, yet you strive to understand where they are coming from. Once this understanding is establish, it is easier to think and do like them. This approach is, I believe, the higher notion of conformity that MTV, or even any news network could never propagate.

I imagine Jesus coming to cities in Palestine, where tax collectors and prostitutes were the outcast. They embraced individualistic approach to living because the people around them rejected them. These - hence - were involuntarily individuals taking a lone ranger road. Jesus then invited them into living a communal life with Him, an approach that asked for conformance to His image. And I believe that we are being called to embrace one another, just as how Jesus has embraced us. This too I believe is the actual purpose of conformity. 

In the years where modernization prevails, the idea of conformity has diluted into something weaker, something disproportionate, something laborious. To conform means you have to wear the uniform, eat like the rest, enjoy like the rest, strive like the rest. True, if conformity means that - even I do not want such notion inculcated. But if the notion of conformity is a conformance of higher value - values thought in the fruits of the Spirit and above all what Jesus taught in the Sermon of the Mount - perhaps the beauty of living may come in from there. I imagine regularly what happened if within a garden, every plant decide to grow in a way they want by themselves. The growth will look highly disorganized and many maligned perspective could never be recovered. A garden will look worse off than a forest. But the purpose of embracing the beauty of a garden is the uniformity - despite the different plant. They grow at the same season - with their own pitch at their own pace - to build a nice beautiful garden within that same zone. 

It is in embracing that we found identity in common. Jesus found that when he talked to the Samaritan woman, Zacharreus, Martha, Mary, John, Peter, Nicodemus, Joseph,... even Saul who was later converted to Paul. These people are different, but in the end they embrace the likeness of Christ that is of unity. The conformance into the image of Christ as the ultimate end in walking our faith has purport to us the reason for living.

And we all may live life at different pace different time. Some may have to go through heartache learning things the hard way, some may learn to be attentive and being constantly aware, some are slower in learning, some are extremely sensitive towards changes. Some, as evidently lived by Henri Nouwen himself, lived through depression and his objectifying urges of homosexuality to learn about his weakness and the greatness of Christ. Some, like John Piper and Eugene Peterson, struggled to pen words to encourage holy living. Some, like D. A. Carson and Lee Strobel, like to bring logic and rationality into living for Christ. I can't say for myself, for I am still trying to discover who am I in Christ. I do know, though, that living for Christ calls for living accordance to conforming to His image. This conformity is not something that can be done as a lone ranger. The embrace of community is necessary, whether they are much very different from us or not. Ultimately, we are not called to live on our own desire for Christ. We are to live to desire Christ and His Church. 

My depression hasn't gone over at all. In fact, there are days - despite doing something now that I like (my work now is to do sound processing - which is what I have enjoyed) where I would stare blank into the wall and start crying at myself for being such a stupid guy who had to learn things the hard way in order to realize the wrong direction that I am heading towards. But now at least while reading Henri Nouwen, I could take comfort in thinking that truly, 'every thing happened for a reason, and though we do not know now, we should embrace our journey whether it is our weaknesses and our addiction - such that one day when we truly come before God we can say that we have followed whole-heartedly for Christ - together.'

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I haven't been writing something optimistic for a while, and I thought that what I have written above sound more optimistic than the previous accounts that I have written since years. But ... well ... I am still learning, no?