[devotion]: my soul waits for God alone

Psalm 62:1-2 (ESV)

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
for him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;
I shall not be greatly shaken. 

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When life's difficulties face us, sometimes at moments whereby faults not by us (whether directly or indirectly), who shall be the first to sought after?

God? Or the person who laid his injustice on us?

I have a tempting thought, and I learnt that through years, it is easier to seek the person who wronged us, rather than seeking God to teach the wrong person. Perhaps the fact that we didn't trust God enough to understand His providence caused us to react first before we still before God. Knowing that only God is the true mediator of justice, would we live out our faith to trust in Him?

In the midst of the unfair work given?
In the midst of the unfair pay given?
In the midst of the wrong treatment given, despite the fact that you felt that instruction given were not ethically correct?
In the midst of making the hard decision to do the right thing, especially when you know that the easier solution is progressively bad?

Do we trust God enough?

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Psalm 62:8, 10

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

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When temptation arise, and attractive goodness comes at the price of others, would you take it?
When you are given more pay at the expense of bleeding the fund (and salary adjustment of your cohort) would you still stay?
When you rise above your senior executive to be his manager, would you shove your leadership role in his face?
When you have a better spiritual track record than a brother who had joined the church since young and yet dabble in sexual addiction, would you judge him?
When your son grow old and start having family and have better pay than the rest of your neighbors, would you take too much pride in him in every dialog you engaged intentionally?

These questions probe deep into our heart filled with sin, every time we face these issues. 
I personally am a culprit of making these decision sinfully, and above all I too have been a hypocrite in indulging in some of these while condemning others.

Putting perspective into proper places, we all sin - and we confess that we have fall short from the glory of God. 
But because of God's mercy, He understood that we are but dust - that's why His mercy endures forever.

But is that the end of the story? No - as we walk in the Lord, so our heart conforms in His likeness.
And the important step of transformation is faith and trust in the walk everyday in His likeness.

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I started writing journal, and making effort to read as often as I could, knowing that at least, stepping in faith is the first step towards recovery. My faith has weakened during the earlier part of this year, and I am very sorry for what I have done. 
A few great friends started to communicate more often with me, and I decide to start slow on finding ways towards sexual addiction recovery. My cell group leader told me to take slow step before readying myself into commitment for life-long recovery with him as accountable partners. I really appreciate that.

I still have difficulties in communicating heart matters to my mentor. Felt quite hurt after some stints of judgmental comments from him on my preferences that I felt important as my identity, but I want to ease myself into reconciliation with him. I decide to start with casual talks. And at least some part of our lives still remain intact. He still invites me for writing songs (which is really a big welcome to me). 

I learned from my counselor that small steps and long waits doesn't necessary mean failures in life. Waiting patiently and attentively perhaps is the best exemplary act of faith in Christ. I used to think that until my present age, I don't seem to accomplish things. But recent occurrence taught me the value of 'hard times' and 'perseverance'. The dark night is necessary to appreciate the beauty of light. 

I haven't had a mature vision of life - and I have plenty of decades to stick with (if God allows), but in the meantime, I decide - one step at a time, even though life always come in packages and in crashes. Let the heart be still for a minute, and speak to Him.

Short breath of prayer also to my 2 close friends: one in Thailand, and one who is angry with me because of me breaking promises. I made mistake and I seek forgiveness. But it will take awhile before reconciliation will happen, so I would let God tell the time. As for my other friend, he has been a blessing in Thailand, and learning things there and going to start missionary work for the Muslim kids. Pray for God to show His favor on my friend. Pray for God to also humble his heart to receive Your teaching while he is there.

I wish - one day I could give back my talent in music and in sound engineering to God in places where He wants me... but my heart is burdened with things of vanity... Oh Lord teach me...