Blessed be THY NAME!

B L E S S E D - B E - T H E - N A M E!

It has been a while since I actually have the time to blog whatever comes to my mind. In fact, it has really been a long time since I manage to blog something out of this.

I have a few things to share.

In the dream on the night - something very vivid comes to my mind. Initially I thought of it as something normal. However, it takes on a bleak introduction.

It introduces a place back in my hometown, but with an obvious very developed situated urban area. I was still the same age, but being brought to a slightly different era. My hometown friends who were my classmates, they all seem older than me - granted that they have their own work in different kind of institution, yet still remaining at the same place. I found out, much later, that I was actually staying at my hometown for the vacation, and that I was now doing mainstream music with my band members.

Even though it seemed to be nice - knowing that most of what I want to do came through, the starting of the dream was, in fact, something bad. I did not see my father at all throughout the dream, and I was already wondering why. Even amusing is the fact that I never asked my mother, who apparently still work - although her hairstyling saloon seemed to upgrade to a much more modern state, and she looked so much younger, despite her age at 65 (my mom is currently 60). My sister was teaching in Singapore in my dream, and she was earning quite well, still based in my hometown during weekends.

The typical family, but the presence of my father is not there.

Everything is melancholic, although the question of where my father is still boiling in my thought in my dream. Such an irony, but that is how I thought I felt.

The story progressed nonchalantly from waking up in the morning, then driving my family (without my father) to my mom's saloon, where I will just stay in my studio (I realised that I have converted one of the supposed study room into my own jamming studio - playing my guitar, and devoting my time to God there. My sister will occasionally come out and help with book-keeping (which I also do when it is my shift) for my mom. Otherwise, she will stay inside the saloon, preparing lunch and watching TV while inside. Then comes a time when I meet my hometown friends. Most of them are married, left me alone, who apparently seems to find difficulty still resolving my issue between finding a commitment and having friendship. We chatted gladly, although there are times where I just felt I couldn't fit into the crowd. Well, that is what will happen if you stay in Singapore, and mix with your co-horts there for too long.

It was a short visit from my friends, since they are not interested in the kind of music I did with my band, so I am basically left alone afterwards, helping with my mom occasionally when my sister is not free (she needs to mark her students' assignments). So most of the time, what I did was those that I still normally does in real life.

The point of climax come when it reaches night time. After dinner (I came back from soccer in the sport field nearby, taken a bath, and ate dinner with them) my mom received a call. She was quite jovial initially when she heard the phone call, but her facial expression turned horror after she hung up.

She answered the question that had been bugging me for a long time.

"We need to go to the hospital now. Dad - might not live long."

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't say anything.

At the age of 65?

No. That wasn't the question.

Why? What happened?

"It is the old age thing, son. Come, lets go now."

Millions of questions bogged my mind as I drive them to the hospital. It is not the local hospital (I was a lil' surprised that I know the way - though it took 1 hour to reach there). Nobody spoke to try to answer my questions, but I know that it is not the right time to ask.

But among of those millions that came at once to my thought - one prominent thought came to me - is my family saved?

I did not notice my mom having her Buddist altar, and I didn't notice my sister having her Bible with her, but I sensed that my family is still not yet saved. Even so, I just kept quiet all the way. I dared not say anything bad that can cause discomfort.

The question, as if it comes soon as I made the point to want to find it answered, becomes solved when I saw my dad on his hospital bed.

I did not have time to notice the surroundings, but it seemed that it is a good hospital. Nicely air-con, great facilities. But those are not the issue.

My father still looked jovial and happy, despite my mom declaration that he might not live long. In fact, he didn't look different from the real life that I know of him. He still spoke normally. Like his usual self. I don't understand why, and what happened.

After a few word of my mom asking him how he has been, and things like that, my father requested that he and me have a private talk, before we all meet together again.

The private talk - that is the main theme. And the crucial part of my life.

"Son. I am sorry."

"Why?"

"I heard from sister. I did not know you suffer so much because of me."

"Dad, no. I have become a better person now. I have lived right now."

"No. I did not know I cause you so much emotional pains and psychological torture so far. Please forgive me son."

"Dad. Please don't"

I was on the brink of breaking down, when my Dad said this.

"Son. I am not worth to be a Christian. And I can't. How could I have done such a thing to you in your entire life?"

"Dad... no..."

I kept on pleading my dad, that he was wrong. God made it for good. But I just can't say it. I was heartbroken. Really heartbroken. I cried.

"Son... I want you to know that you have become a so much better person. I really am proud of you. So please continue to be who you are right now, even though Mom don't like the idea of you being a Christian."

"You know, Son. When I was young, I study in a Christian school. I was taught alot about the salvation through Jesus Christ, and what is really good about being a Christian. But I am never able to tell God directly that I need to be saved, because I don't think I am worth His salvation."

"But you - even though you were so similar to me when I was young, in fact worse, you are still able to give to God your life. And for that - I am proud of you. But I cannot become a Christian. I will never be."

At this point of time - he asked me to bring the family back in.

"Dad. Please believe in God. He really can cleanse and forgive you. He never wants to condemn you. He came to save you. He faced what you faced."

He kept quiet. I can sense him coming close to death. He insisted on telling me to bring them in.

I reluctantly brought them in. Dad just said a few words. He never showed alot of affection to my sis and my Mom (there is still concern and care), just that we all just remain with Dad for some times, before he finally said, "I need to go. My time is near. Goodbye."

His last glance pointed at me. With a smiley face, he looked at me - and close his eyes.

My family cried nevertheless, but I cried the most. Even Mom was quite surprised at my reaction, knowing that I used to harbour hatred to my Dad.

This point of time, I woke up suddenly, with tears in my face. It was horrendous feeling.

"God, why can't I save my father?" WHY?

The thought of this alone, really make me heartbroken. So much that even as I struggle to finish writing this blog, I can't help crying over it.

The impact of this dream, or rather a vision, made me cried bitterly for one hour - just blaming myself about this.

I tried so hard to ask God why He gave me such dream. Does it serves as a warning, or is it a revelation?

I remembered my hatred for my Dad since young, when I was in juvenile - even to a point of thinking about killing him myself, and that reminiscence itself struck me even worse.

But God - He really ... He never gave up on me.

He answered me and comforted me through the morning devotion. And again - I cried when I read the Bible. Although it has frequently become my habit of reading the Bible, and felt very emotional whenever I grasped the meaning, the message on that day alone - really fits in the bill of what I have been trying to find.

Hebrew 2:16 - 18

16: For surely, it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
17: For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
18: Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

I just broke down. Literally.

Why can't I said that to Dad? Why...

That day, when I think about it, I just feel so overwhelmed, that I prayed that God, may it be that this message serves as my important reminder that one day - one fine day - my family's salvation could be saved. Especially my dad. He walked the same footsteps as I did, although I was much more worse compared to him. And I want him to know, God will always work in us, and GOD STILL LOVES US NO MATTER WHO WE ARE, AND WHAT WE HAVE DONE.

Please, for the rest of the people who read this: believe me - God really loves you. He really loves you.

We have not much time left. I really need to tell my family about God. They really need to know His Love, and His grace. And so should you.

Great God

I was in a dilemma, and my heart was in the state of chaos, when the Lord intervened in my heart.

"Ren Kang, be still. Listen to Me."

I tried very hard to still my heart. Deadlines after deadlines come to play. My projects' neverending seems relentless.

"I know you have been in so much sufferings in studies. But now be still, and listen to Me."

This is one of the few rare times that I felt God's peace to me. And with that peace, I manage to finish my hardware design and my Java project. Though that seems like a small matter, but that seems big to me, considering the fact that I have been struggling for one week plus to do them.

I am still many many miles from completion, but I thanked God for His mercy for me.

Tribute to also Lynn and Jocie for talking with me. You guys are God's gracious friends for me. Thanks to Ivy too, for listening to me yesterday night of my plea, and send me those encouraging songs.

Breaking The Habit

I read an article from the Wikipedia - on this song called 'Breaking The Habit'. It speaks about a person trying to break his drug/substance/sexual abuse, and the resolution seems bleak. What actually strikes me is that it speaks of Chester Bennington, the screaming vocalist for Linkin Park, of his past struggles with his sexual and drug abuse since young. It is said that he can't perform live for that song until recently because the thought of the song always brought him to tears.

Such impact depicts something: song that speaks the heart of the matter - that itself, could break the heart of the person.

The mind that goes wild

There have been many a night that I am thinking about relationship with girls. And I am not just saying it - as if it is like part of my life, and it should not constitute much problem to me. In fact, as an adult, there should be many other things that I am more worried about. For example, my studies in University - how I still maintain integrity and consistency despite having a turbulent semester last year; my band, am I still keen on doing it as my main career with my newfound band members; and the most important part of all - my own character building - have I been doing something right or wrong in the first place?

So many thoughts in my mind, but in fact none compared to the strength of this. The struggle of the issue of falling in love with a girl.

Last night, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. Something inside me needs to be decide. If I continue to be in this constant pendulum swinging from being quiet to being friendly without standing still and proclaiming what I have been throughout these days, it is not going to help anyone. Particularly - the way I look at the girl that I like.

Call her A.

In particularly these days, when during Christmas, I got so interested to chat with her face-to-face, after chatting online for several month. 10 months to be exact. Not that I am comfortable with it, but when she is at the other continent of where I am living; when she is studying a pre-university course where else I am already halfway to graduate as a university student; when her interest is only to chat with me in the name of friendship where else I am having thought of asking her out as my girlfriend.

Such distraction shouldn't be downplayed, and because I choose to downplay it, the meeting face to face aggravate my fantasy more. I could not sleep the night after we had our face on chatting session, and perhaps I have made it too obvious for her to suspect things like this. I don't want to wreak the relationship we had already been having - good net-friends, yet I know that staying in this comfort zone is not what I intended to be. It is not a good ground for me. I went through something horrible than this because of complacency, and I don't want to sorta do it again.

It was with the other girl. Call her B. She is studying in New York. Unlike A, she is in the same year wiht me. Studying third year as in marketing, waiting to graduate too.

We talk on the net more often too, but there come to a stage when I tried again. In fact, I knew it was not the right call for me. I was just anxious, and giving flowery words. She told me she is glad for me, but she knew that I am not sincere. I had someone in mind. When I told her that I never had a serious one before, she thought I was joking.

I was not joking. I have never had a serious relationship. But I had a serious crush on a girl I should not.

She and me had so much social class difference. Parents believe the different thing. Her parents believed in Jesus Christ, and so am I. My parents believed in Buddism, and my father believed in science. Her parents think far beyond just money and materialism. They care for their children alot, and they are friendly to me. My parents would rather us become a tool of income for them.

Actually, I had quite a number of resentment towards my parents, but as times come, I learned to forgive most of those resentment that I have towards them. So it won't do justice for me to elaborate about them here.

So back to this.

She had clean record on her Christianity account. I came from terrible bouts of turmoil before landing to know her. I used to do nasty thing that not many people could imagine a Christian could do, but I learned to compose myself more as times come by. She had great account with people around her: citing her for being friendly - but I had some bad history with certain people because of my previous own fault account and also my bad attitude towards certain people.

Sometime I hide the thought of asking her out, because I always have the thought of being negative and knowing that me and her will be impossible. There are many times when I manage to convince myself to just forget about asking her out, and try for other people. However in the end, I would cry late at night, calling myself being useless. I am lousy as a guy - be frank.

So, when the meeting occurs between A and me that night, though we went off in a group, all I could see is me and her alone. After that night I SMSed her to tell her that she was great, this and that - but I didn't send across the main message - thanks for giving me the chance to chat with you face to face.

It took me 3 long days to convince myself that it would never happen again, because I don't want to advance to close and to make things too obvious that I took an interest on her. But on the last day before I confessed, I sensed that I cannot hide it anymore. There were many nights that I would just think of her and pray for her fervently. And I know it is wrong. I should put God's promise in priority list, then my walk with God, then my studies. Relationship supposed to be something that God will provide. Instead, I prayed in this manner: "God, please bless A in anyway that you can. You know that she is currently taking exam, blah blah blah..." Well, I do pray for myself, but I realised I have become more and more selfish at the end of the whole bout.

So while I did not know what I am going to do with it, I told her about my struggle to her. And I told her that I had a crush on her, and I had difficulty concealing my thought.

Well, guess what - before I could ask her out, I knew what she would respond - so I never asked her out.

Well, of course, she rejected me in an indirect manner. She told me that she felt it is not ready yet, and she had no intention having one.

After all these - you would have thought that I am gonna cry out loud. After all, I told her that despite telling her all these, I hope it wouldn't jeopardize our relationship as being good friends. I took her as my best net friend, though I think she just take me as a normal friend. Well, imagine, being rejected as a boyfriend is already sad enough to bring me to sadness.

Instead, I felt enlightened. I did not cry or whatsoever. I suddenly realised, how much I had neglected God. I remembered the early days after my revelation that I was so fervent for the Lord, that I would dare myself to proclaim myself to people that I love God so much. Where has all those gone to? Is it because of being complacent to the current situation whereby I am safe and sound even without the presence of God that makes feel that I am alright with the situation I am in right now?

This morning, I felt slightly different. After the confession, I realise that perhaps she is right. I am not ready either. I still got plenty to learn from God before I can go and have a partner for life. No, in fact, even after I found my wife, I may have plenty of things to learn from God too, but I know for now, I am still far from ready. So, why not learn first like a baby from God about His Word?