[personal] the october

every year, when i reach into the annuity of my coming into this world, i remembered the year that past through.

the reflection i had last year was extremely somber. i remembered my one-year into the broke up.

on my birthday, i spent my time in japan working till eleven pm and had my expired 100 yen chocolate croissant for my birthday dinner.

that week ahead, i cried inside my room at night on a cold Saturday. remembering that i am single as always.

 

this year, i looked at the year that passes me. from that night till tomorrow's night - what's going to change?

then, the sudden thought gripped into mine - reminiscing the pain of loneliness yet another time.

the girl that i had waited is no longer available, and those who i got attracted to at work were actually married with kids.

and i look at myself in the mirror earlier.

 

my sadness had reached beyond tears. the dried eyes looked into the sullen look of a guy who used to have his jovial smile.

i pitied myself, why do i kept on holding onto finding a relationship as the ultimate security of my life?

and gushes of emotions rush in my heart, with expression no one can fill in. with all those thoughts of belonging.

every night in my sleep. i dream about love, a girl i could hold. a woman i could cherish and hold. a lady who i can together grow old.

 

yesterday night, a prayer i said. lord, this is enough. i don't know why i cling to believe in you anymore.

i admit, i believe you because i know no matter how much you still would love me till the end.

and only if i could see the cross, just the cross in itself, i would be instantly reminded of your love.

after all the love that was given was unconditional, the highest esteem of love.

 

for all these i understand. and true, it was an abdication of love that i could never imagine.

but...

 

like a lost man, i now lose the sense. every week, going to church, seeing the church people being happy, talking with their love ones,

and i stood by the corner, hoping to have some light sessions - but eventually lonely at one corner. i said hi, nice to meet you, how's life and bye.

the saddest part is i come alone, i go back home alone. throughout the journey i am still alone. cell group members have decreased, and now...

and i serve in music and sound ministry. i did bass, guitar, tech and sometimes slide shows. and with those i am still pretty much alone.

 

i think about god yesterday. and i ask god.

god. i felt hurt. i need love so bad. i know i can only get it from you.

but will i remain as such? why is it difficult to be ready for the gift?

is it because i am still struggling with financial burdens, work commitment and my sexual addiction?

 

was it for the sake of my 'not-ready'-ness that got me into this shape of solitude?

yes, i am young, only 26, but god... i felt lonely since a kid.

mom and dad didn't understand me well, they tried. but they failed. and they rather let it be.

and every night, from young till old - i look at the mirror, trying to be better.

 

i dress up. i learn to fashion up. smell nicer. walk better. talk better. pose better.

be nicer. be friendlier. be happier. be smarter. be taller.

be compassionate. be affectionate. be reasonable. be non-judgmental.

be sensitive. be reliable. be conscious. be ready.

 

and i can never be those. in the end, i look at myself, and i am still not satisfied.

and sadly i never will. because i am sad with who i am now. very sad. very sad.

 

and i scold and scream and shout and laud at you, god.

why am i still alone?

 

several colleagues said that i was being too picky when i choose a girlfriend,

cause they think i am good looking and should not have any problem finding one.

but i am so scared to tell them, it is because i want to wait for god's timing for one.

and if only i could find one that i like. and i did. and i waited because i told myself the time wasn't right.

 

and my financial became worse. and my addiction became worse. and my work became worse.

and the girl became his. and these are according to your plan, lord.

 

and i felt sad.

and maybe you are right. she may not be for me. there's someone else.

 

but i give up. i am not going to find anyway. no point.

 

so this october. maybe. i will just...

let this wish be over.

maybe i will just learn to survive. that's all.