[devotion]: bittersweet prayer of submission

Father,
Into Your hands I commit my soul,
The tired soul longs for peace and comfort,
Which I could not find, and found it wanting.

I long for satisfaction, yet it is hard to remain undefiled,
I seek for momentary pleasures, which add on to my guilt,
Because that's the only intimacy I have ever encounter, despite the filth.

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Father,
To have the attraction for a lady was comforting,
But the amount of dedication speaks of the commitment,
Which I am afraid to give, to commit, and to love back.

Now I know, what it means to really be a lover,
You want to give her the best of all, yet not to kindle premature love,
You are wary of love, and to the best of what you could, you maintain control.

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Father,
We maintain distance, to know each other,
Because we know, to dive fast, we will end fast,
But to know each other well enough, and it is possible to love more than looks.

But my heart is damned, very damned,
Because despite her interest in Christianity, she has not met You,
And every night, I thought about my liking her, and I felt condemned.

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Father,
I recall stories of Old Testaments,
Where leaders of Israel married foreign women,
And idolatry was rampant, and descendants being immoral.

I recall stories of contemporary relationships,
How unequal yokes lead to further disintegration,
Between lovers, and commitments for Christ.

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Father,
I felt that the Gift is really from You,
To like her, and to establish friendship with her,
And to always ensure both of us know each other in honest means.

Every dialogue converse ended with encouragement,
To know each other first, and perhaps some more time to decide,
Whether are we meant for each other.

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I offered my prayer, because I have no where else to go,
I am confused, much left disillusioned. Her openness to believe in what I believe encouraged me,
But I am not the messiah, You are. I cannot force her to believe my belief.

At Your time, You will lead her to You, but not me.
I am a mere instrument, but if I were the person You lead, I will not question.
But still I am sincerely unsure, because I am fearful of Your judgment.

I read books, heard people, spoken to friends,
That tell me (and I told them) that one day we will be judged by what we did,
And now, I stand here, feeling that God has condemned this act of maintain a friendship.

So, with my half-heart (often weak-willed) I surrender her to You,
If being friends and subsequently lovers is what You will, then I will gladly comply,
But I heard nothing from You, nor encouragement, nor condemnation.

I do know, it is hard for me to talk to friends about this,
Because my secular close friends dislike my affiliation with You,
And my church close buddies were against non-Christian intimate attachment.

I could only endure, by talking to my trusted confidante,
Because despite their ethical principle, they manage to shower me their love,
Affirming me that they love me, so therefore please don't do what I felt wanting to do.

I trust in You, to provide.
I trust in You, to forgive.
Therefore, my heart, weak-willed, I oblige to Your will - in which I heard of none.

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Give her to me, Ren.
And be of a testimony for her.

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That's all I heard. And I am confused.