[reflection]: through the looking glass revisited

Having realized that for the past few months I have been cruising on an emergency flight plan in my work place, I felt little chances for contemplation (which is my usual routine in life, and I managed to find it even in my previous work place despite the hefty commitment they required of us the engineers). Perhaps because of such little space for self-reflection, I realized how far off I have become to being a better person and for once: I longed for time in solitude, just thinking about how life is. Honestly the pace in my work place has given little time to self, and I suspect that unless something deliberate is done on my end this pace will become faster and not withholding any catastrophic syndrome that might damage me in the long run. The recent episode of admitting myself in the emergency ward due to near-cardiac arrest may have indicated something that has gone seriously wrong.

Such observation should never be ignored and always should be treated with equal dignity. In our current generation where connectivity has become such a norm (imagine that instant connectivity with someone in San Francisco back here in Singapore to discuss about online music school intake) – we tend to forget the meaning of spending qualitative time that transcends mere connectivity and discussing agendas. I observed too that my sense of community has become so blur that mere connection with people doesn’t seem to nourish my wellbeing, to be frank. I have yet to share with regular friends, but deep within my soul I felt incomplete in the state of where I am today, with so many insecurities towards the pace, the life, and the friends I have but yet to rekindle. I didn’t feel comfortable being in where I am today, and I have to (at many random occasions) deliberately slow down my pace in order to get things fixed. Yet due to lethargy I succumb to sleep. Strange but true.

Recent disposition towards instant gratification (reading random movie articles to anticipate what movie to watch, watching meaningless shows to amuse myself, and also the humiliating fact that I am still struggling to discard my temptation towards watching pornography online) has made such attempt to fruitfully reconnect with people remarkably difficult. Learning to pace myself such that there’s room for contemplation and meditation proved difficult because of my inclination towards getting things fast and wanted instant gratification for the success of work at the end of the day. When I started to notice the different way I look at things recently the first person I talked to was actually my good buddy back in Thailand. He could identify a few things in my concern. However, no matter how much he could advise it boils down to the perspective of life that I may have embraced on recent notes that has begun to go wrong.

By God’s grace, I have been given better work load in recent note, and just mainly helping my other colleagues with the problem faced. It also reminded me to take note of my own schedule, my time and my other commitment. I have learned through time the importance of sticking to what matters more – especially now that after I have slowed down in life after the cardiac arrest and the work load has significantly followed suit too. Perhaps when there’s difficulties in life, we start to think about things larger than where we all have been – fulfiling immediate productive duties that serve our purpose as tools in the world today.

In deliberate actions to slow down the pace, I have noted how much I have missed in life, and forgetting how much many other things matter in life. In retrospect, I realized how difficult it has been for my friends to keep in constant keel with me – trying to understand me where I have been and keeping themselves posted. One very random note from a friend getting married by end of this year actually hinted that my hometown friends were actually wanting to meet up with me, having heard things about me that defy the existing person they used to know (a musician growing to be better looking and more kempt, a gentleman who is now attached and moving on to a new life, so on). This actually surprised me when I first read it. I remembered seeing myself as a dirty ugly moron who has lost his sensibility to live righteous and feed on wasteful resources to survive each day. Like a fat obese guy eating junks sitting on his couch never moving forward, I see myself so much like this that I often forced myself to move out to see the world differently as how I usually see myself – just to get myself fresh air and a new way of living.

It was very refreshing, to be honest, to see and realized that even in those friendship I have cumulated difficult and unpleasant memories – that they are still keen to see me and be surprising themselves with how I have been. How naïve I have been.

I tend to be secluded and isolated most of the time actually. As much as I tried, I don’t like the fact of sitting down and mingling. Somehow there’s a sense that life seems wasted by ‘indulging in seemingly meaningless communication about random things’. I sometimes dread conversation because of the frequent need to be very mindful about what to say at the time conversation is held. For example, I tried to look nice and gentleman whenever I am in talks with my university friends, hoping that they will see as someone mature and well-kempt. Sometimes, in those moments of conversation I had a sense that the dialogue flow became very artificial.

Yet whenever I avoid conversation, come back home (especially during the days of my singlehood), despite ‘productive’ edges on trying to finish work and stuff, I always felt left out and disappointed by the fact that I spend most of the time looking at work related stuff. Sometimes even commitment to practice music alone becomes so mundane that I waste myself by reading trashes. I shall not be more explicit because I think it should be rather clear enough. Nevertheless the intention was really quite demeaning.

As I grow into maturity in life, I start to realize the importance of communication, no matter how random it might be. We are not machines living by the law of productivity and assuming ethics to be running along the veins of conversations. Sometimes, in randomness it could be a source of encouragement and disappointment (that could run either way from a sentence to the other), but it doesn’t have to be employed in force. This would not make things work well. Of course, there are people who are paid to be a professional in engaging those conversation (counselor or psychiatrist to name a few professions) – but we are not expected to put a purpose in those. Friendship, if made to measure by the productivity of ‘happiness’ or ‘pleasure’, will never scale up to the ideal as expected. Sometimes there will be up and down in life – and that includes friendships. This is a hard lesson that I have to learn along the way.

Strangely though, I have learned this through in a relationship with my girlfriend. I think it takes a lot of grace on her side to be able to embrace me as who I am and still loving me all the way. I realized how much love she has invested in order to love me the way I am. There are many moments I realize I need to humble myself in order to see her world. For example she hoped that I spend time to come to her church with her family, but I kept thinking that it is a primary duty of her to come to mine instead. Though she was rather accomodative by the fact that I am still learning to get out of my comfort zone (by getting to know her friends). I felt that conversation left spontaneous is definitely with good benefit for the health of the communication part of the relationship.

Bringing it back into the context of my friendships, it is definitely imperative to constantly remind myself of the importance of a fruitful relationship, but it doesn’t need to take productivity as a measure of fruitfulness. In fact it might be that the lesser it takes on the scale of productivity (in this context, it could be more related to ‘benefiting from this relationship on my own psychological health, etc), the better the fruitfulness might be. Perhaps, from then we would see less of our own benefit, and start seeing other people as more important than us. This might be a good start to learn to be relational.

I am taking some effort to maintain close relationship with people who have been in constant contact with me. Although it is difficult for me to start a close friendship with people in church for now, but I think it is good to start things slowly. Hope that you guys can suggest more if there’s anything that can also help to grow the relational character in me. And at the end, perhaps this would be the best opportunity to start being a witness for Christ, who has died for us all (while we were yet sinners).