Would it be okay, if I'm the only one present representing myself during a wedding ceremony, especially after all the enemies that I have offended?
It hurts me to think of this.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
[poem/lyrics]: empty hole
when words gave meaning,
in the duration of our belonging,
we honor the implication,
because we know that the speaker meant it.
but when in retrospect, all spit out,
turns out just being the forebearing,
of lies that conceal the truth and intention,
what's then the point of promises to begin with?
I started with great intention to make us believe,
and with scaffolds of progress i lay out as guides,
and with so much eagerness you agreed,
because in the future you could see how these fold out.
years passed on, still no sign of you,
where's the vision that you brought it up then?
now that we talked, you said that i have nothing but dreams,
irrational, untested and illogical lumped together.
where is the encouragement that you give initially,
that you said it gives meaning once complied,
and not once did you even followed through,
as though my voice sucked into an empty hole.
but why could i not hit you right in the face,
i could have hold your head and bashed it through,
hurting me so much as to put such kind words,
to make me face the day without thinking that you betrayed.
how could i? when the 'you' i come to realize,
is actually the 'me' who failed again.
at the end, we struggle with identity,
and mine happens to be a promise breaker, an empty hole.
in the duration of our belonging,
we honor the implication,
because we know that the speaker meant it.
but when in retrospect, all spit out,
turns out just being the forebearing,
of lies that conceal the truth and intention,
what's then the point of promises to begin with?
I started with great intention to make us believe,
and with scaffolds of progress i lay out as guides,
and with so much eagerness you agreed,
because in the future you could see how these fold out.
years passed on, still no sign of you,
where's the vision that you brought it up then?
now that we talked, you said that i have nothing but dreams,
irrational, untested and illogical lumped together.
where is the encouragement that you give initially,
that you said it gives meaning once complied,
and not once did you even followed through,
as though my voice sucked into an empty hole.
but why could i not hit you right in the face,
i could have hold your head and bashed it through,
hurting me so much as to put such kind words,
to make me face the day without thinking that you betrayed.
how could i? when the 'you' i come to realize,
is actually the 'me' who failed again.
at the end, we struggle with identity,
and mine happens to be a promise breaker, an empty hole.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Depressing day - Moment like this...
If this message can be reached out, I would like to seek a prayer of peace in the souls of those suffering from the onslaught of divorce.
It is painful for me to see constantly the erratic bouts of silence and anger exhibited through watching drama of such incidents, but I realize the pain more when I see someone close doing the same thing - inflicting self injury, randomly shouting as if someone is possessed. And truth be told, it is not the first time I notice.
God, I pray that you hear my cry. Gently calm her down and remind her that You are still the great I Am. You will make known the path of reconciliation of the identity, if not of spouse relationship. And really, I felt heartbroken seeing her like this too. So God, help us.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Mobile - Who dictates the choice of life
It has been a long time since, but it really challenged my belief. And my lukewarmness to sustain through really caught me off guard.
All it takes is 2 years. To wean off the effect of chastisement and move into the darker territory of rebellions. To engage into defilement and ignore most of the rules. Above all, to disregard the credit of the community and to boast in the strength of puny self.
How far have I come to? To become a dancer of the dangerous hell?
Friday, April 24, 2015
Silliest choice of me
Silliest choice of me to be a hero.
And now, stuck with little sleep. Little money. And I got cheated just like that.
Goodness. Goodness.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Photo blog- Taping on Grace note
Hard to come by when I can sit by and think about life.
Waves of depression comes in. Why I felt undeserving remains as a question. But God gives grace to remind me.
[poem/lyrics]: journey
A man's journey laid before him,
Of great might and favor,
He strove ahead without doubt,
Carrying with him the ideals of life.
Knocks and bounds, here they come,
Strangely enough, life seemed solemn now.
What greatly touched the life before,
Now all seems to blow in the wind.
Choices therefore laid before him,
Either surrender to the fate of helplessness,
Go with the flow, to where everyone goes,
Conformity standards to societal norms.
Something tucked in his mind,
Why would life ends up as thus,
Stuck in a rut, and nowhere to go,
Hurt people, get your benefit, and leave them alone.
Isn't life worth fighting for?
Not just for my own, but for ideals,
To not seek just pleasure, but to serve,
To the highest honor of humanity's role.
Standing steadfast in his thought,
He fought hard, in a journey reeked with scars,
Never down without a fight, say he,
Never let go without holding on, say he.
In the end, all that matters,
Ain't the price of living in this world,
But the values that taught us life,
Beyond ourselves, beyond this world.
Of great might and favor,
He strove ahead without doubt,
Carrying with him the ideals of life.
Knocks and bounds, here they come,
Strangely enough, life seemed solemn now.
What greatly touched the life before,
Now all seems to blow in the wind.
Choices therefore laid before him,
Either surrender to the fate of helplessness,
Go with the flow, to where everyone goes,
Conformity standards to societal norms.
Something tucked in his mind,
Why would life ends up as thus,
Stuck in a rut, and nowhere to go,
Hurt people, get your benefit, and leave them alone.
Isn't life worth fighting for?
Not just for my own, but for ideals,
To not seek just pleasure, but to serve,
To the highest honor of humanity's role.
Standing steadfast in his thought,
He fought hard, in a journey reeked with scars,
Never down without a fight, say he,
Never let go without holding on, say he.
In the end, all that matters,
Ain't the price of living in this world,
But the values that taught us life,
Beyond ourselves, beyond this world.
Friday, February 20, 2015
[short reflection]: painful week
In the midst of boredom, I flicked through my contacts on my smart phone.
Saw the contact of Jessie. Saw that there's a synchronized contact on Whatsapp.
Opened it. Realized that it is no longer Jessie, but another person, a female foreigner.
And it is in this moment I wondered, how long does it take to take her away permanently?
Saw the contact of Jessie. Saw that there's a synchronized contact on Whatsapp.
Opened it. Realized that it is no longer Jessie, but another person, a female foreigner.
And it is in this moment I wondered, how long does it take to take her away permanently?
Friday, January 16, 2015
[short reflection]: fault is first mine.
Fault, it seems, happened to be something that consolidate during the season of friendship. But due to the distance the conversation had never once turn to this topic. Yet, in my naivety I chose to pursuit further, continue desperately like a canine in heat.
Finally, she can't take it anymore. What kind of friendship it assumes if the discussion has always been about satisfying the hunger for lust? What kind of closeness and respectful intimacy one can look forward to if the 'depth' of the conversation about life is as close to skin - if not on the most sensitive parts of the body?
Silence, she first undertook. And week after week I attempted to ask her how she has been. From those skin deep conversation, suddenly the yearning of deeper relationship emerged. Yet the trust has now been broken. She felt raped by the conversation. She felt subdued and left to nothing. The chastity she once entrusted to because of the friendship has now become a wolf lying in the dark - waiting for the right moment to devour. She suspected all along that though it is mere words, they damaged the purity of the friendship. All he wanted is the body and the selfish satisfaction. It's not the friendship. It is not the closeness and sticking to each other when in need. It is the body. It is the lust. All he ever thought about is lust, that's what she thought.
And today - I looked at the screen, wondering what have changed. And sadly, ravages took over me and I told myself - where is the pride of the man I used to have? Where is the self-control I used to exhibit when it comes to boundary with woman? All seems lost, and yet I live of my facade so well.
What of me. What of... me...
(True words of a misguided soul)
Finally, she can't take it anymore. What kind of friendship it assumes if the discussion has always been about satisfying the hunger for lust? What kind of closeness and respectful intimacy one can look forward to if the 'depth' of the conversation about life is as close to skin - if not on the most sensitive parts of the body?
Silence, she first undertook. And week after week I attempted to ask her how she has been. From those skin deep conversation, suddenly the yearning of deeper relationship emerged. Yet the trust has now been broken. She felt raped by the conversation. She felt subdued and left to nothing. The chastity she once entrusted to because of the friendship has now become a wolf lying in the dark - waiting for the right moment to devour. She suspected all along that though it is mere words, they damaged the purity of the friendship. All he wanted is the body and the selfish satisfaction. It's not the friendship. It is not the closeness and sticking to each other when in need. It is the body. It is the lust. All he ever thought about is lust, that's what she thought.
And today - I looked at the screen, wondering what have changed. And sadly, ravages took over me and I told myself - where is the pride of the man I used to have? Where is the self-control I used to exhibit when it comes to boundary with woman? All seems lost, and yet I live of my facade so well.
What of me. What of... me...
(True words of a misguided soul)
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
[reflection]: remember who the real enemy is
Perhaps days ahead of my life could never account for this statement.
And often I wondered about my work, the people around me, the clients, my colleagues, my superiors and many others perhaps. And I kept brooding over the thought - who are my real enemies?
I've constantly watched 'The Hunger Games 2 - Catching Fire' because of the reminder of our deepest dissent that we at times find it hard to share, and the difficulties to trust in people who were actually inspired by our insistence in maintaining our principles. Yet, despite our inadequacies, I believe that one day, all of us will look further than our journey in this present world, and realize that the greater fight of our life are more than just daily struggles with basic necessities but principalities of the evil and fallen world. Values greatly tested, humanity greatly contorted to the visions of devils.
I've tendered resignation, because I want to not leave the previous me, who used to uphold ideals of working ethics and not compromising. I wanted a way out to start a new leaf. My only hope is that I can be consistent.
Pray that I could.
So, remember who the real enemy is.
Monday, November 17, 2014
[short reflection]: what's fulfilling?
Where was the hurt when things went blank?
Where was the sunshine when life turns sour?
Sometimes, in little ways, a touch of enlightenment goes a long way.
It is not the sunlight. Not the ray of neonlights.
A gesture, perhaps as simple as a statement,
Or even a question.
Brings to mind many possibilities.
Unsung heroes deep within, with agenda much different.
Workers late at night, struggle to receive education in the morn.
Slouching through, but sometimes, it is not the slouch that made the man.
Work was hard, because of reality.
But work was fulfilling when it is acknowledged.
A gentle touch of an educator,
A reprimand of a stern tutor.
All it takes is a statement,
To differentiate between an anger or an encouragement.
That made the day for a child awakened within,
The innocence lost many years before.
So what's fulfilling? Earning money to live?
Or receiving respect for fighting to live?
[to my students, who have worked late nights and actually made an effort to come to school because they want education, not grading performance. We as educators have so much to learn from these students. And we have so much to teach them about as well. Never give up being an educator. Make a difference!]
Where was the sunshine when life turns sour?
Sometimes, in little ways, a touch of enlightenment goes a long way.
It is not the sunlight. Not the ray of neonlights.
A gesture, perhaps as simple as a statement,
Or even a question.
Brings to mind many possibilities.
Unsung heroes deep within, with agenda much different.
Workers late at night, struggle to receive education in the morn.
Slouching through, but sometimes, it is not the slouch that made the man.
Work was hard, because of reality.
But work was fulfilling when it is acknowledged.
A gentle touch of an educator,
A reprimand of a stern tutor.
All it takes is a statement,
To differentiate between an anger or an encouragement.
That made the day for a child awakened within,
The innocence lost many years before.
So what's fulfilling? Earning money to live?
Or receiving respect for fighting to live?
[to my students, who have worked late nights and actually made an effort to come to school because they want education, not grading performance. We as educators have so much to learn from these students. And we have so much to teach them about as well. Never give up being an educator. Make a difference!]
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
[reflection]: leaving behind is always going to be an ongoing journey
After so many years, starting from the shame that I have with my parents, my childhood friends, my secondary acquaintance - and while I am in Singapore, all the female friends that I have come to know close with, and some eventually get to share the most intimate part of their lives with me - I have come to realize that I will always need to go through the 'Left Behind' stage that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.
And I thought that by demonizing those memories, I would have come to terms with my past and move on like any cheerful lad who just won the football championship by scoring the defining goal that turns them from losers to winners. No, life doesn't work in that way. Apparently regrets have their cruelty ledge tied onto my feet with shackles that constantly leaves scars after scars around our ankles. It doesn't make things easier when movement is difficult, but at times, when the scars deepen every slight movement reminds of the pain so conveniently.
I thought that my relationship with Jessie has been considered the end. And to be frank, it seemed like that during the initial time when I have decided to break up. It was dramatic ending, with things that in retrospect made me felt sadly regretful for the decisions that I have made. Nevertheless, it has been 2 years since, and I thought that I have moved on.
Moving into the first year of ending, as I was having my retreat in Church of St. Ignatius, I remembered one particular night while walking around the neighborhood surrounding - the strong gush of regrets came to me. And more often that not, I believed that sudden gush of memories could be the floodgate suppressed many months before because I intend to let this episode passed, and enjoy the current relationship with my current girlfriend.
After that retreat, memories of her came in sporadic, but I tend to buff them off as regrets that tried to impede my progress to be a better person. At one particular point of time I remembered writing a very lengthy post addressing this issue (though as much as I could, I tried to subtly hint some element of truth in relating this issue, though generally it was fictionalized). Months later, I was intrigued by a writer named Shusaku Endo (introduced to me by Philip Yancey via his writings in Soul Survivor. He dedicated a whole chapter on this writer who I revered a lot. In fact, I suspect his reverence to him was also equal if not more than mine, as he dedicated Shusaku Endo's chapter second last to Henri Nouwen, whom I have no doubt Mr. Yancey has reserved his strongest dedication for). I read one of his novel 'The Girl I Left Behind'.
To be frank, till this day I couldn't let this book go at the back of my head. At many times, especially when I struggled with pornography and having images of intimacy with my ex-girlfriend came up in my mind, memories of my revelation about a person's life through the eyes of Shusaku Endo's main character, Mr. Yoshioka Tsutomu. How, during his younger days, when he had sex with the poor Morita Mitsu, and that left a fleeting (and sometimes annoying) memory in Yoshioka's mind yet leaving a lasting impression to Morita's perspective. The tragic ending made me pondered so much about our life passing by each day with interception and how much those matters as days got distance.
From time to time, when I accidentally go to places together with my current girlfriend, some of those places bring back memories of Jessie so conveniently that I couldn't help thinking why on earth am I still thinking about them. Was it that difficult to leave behind? And I start to understand why. Physical intimacy, like emotional intimacy, will forever etched in the bonding between the two person, and no matter how much one tries to leave behind, there will be time when the spirit within us is kindled by the bond we had forged before. So when the triggers happen, sadly I have to find a means to get the mind away from the memory. And even more sadly, masturbation and casual sex seems to be the only mode of escapism because I get to see girls (either conjuring from my mind or grabbing new images from pornographic materials) and let me hunger for their bodies more.
It is convenient for me to leave a passing remark and excuses myself for being a victim of cheat, the subject who has lack of self-control. It is. But when I think about the times that I have done that really is at the bottom of the rung, I cannot imagine myself being an example in my working place, in church and especially for my current girlfriend - while struggling to keep my sanity in my memory in check. It is difficult. And I am still trying to find a solution to it.
But when I write this post to reflect, it could perhaps in many years to come, remind me of my journey. But at another circumstances, I hope that by writing it down, I start the healing process (and hopefully this post is a trigger of many to come too) not to demonize, but to accept the blame and let God work through my heart in humility. I should accept humility and chastisement. And I struggle to accept that as well.
But for now, I would like to write something to her, and hopefully that sometime in the future, she may felt a bit in her heart a tickle of joy.
Dear Jessie,
It is my mistake to not forgive you for what you did before. Now after 2 years of our break up, I constantly made mistakes that made me realize that it is human to err. I should listen to you when you earnest want to repent. It could have been a great opportunity for redemption, but I took the other way. Anyway, I don't plan to be a savior. I can't. I hurt more than I save.
In a distant place, you are now married, and hopefully pregnant with a child. I am in no position to comment on your future, and if we were to cross path, I sincerely won't know how to respond and what to say if we were to halt and prompt for response. However, if I could say anything at all, I hope you went on with your life being a better person. If that is the case for you right now, I would be glad. I do hope that you will encounter God, and I can't say that I have the strength to pray on that. But if it is God's plan I would gladly hope that we will see each other in the next chapter of our lives, should that be, either on earth or in heaven.
You definitely made a lasting impression in my life. Perhaps from time to time I might remember again our good times. But I hope that writing this down will be the beginning of my healing. I definitely need to find someone apart from my partner to talk about this, because frankly speaking, it is something that even the most matured wife-to-be may find difficulty reconciling. It may have been the most intimate memory that I share with you, but I decide to find a close male friend, or even a counselor to talk about it.
Lastly, Jessie. I loved you, there's no doubt about it. It was a great memory, but it needs to go and be put in a cabinet and put one side. And I hope that you are living well with your partner, just like how I am learning to live my life to give my all for my current partner, who I love and will always love.
Thank you Jessie. Bless you.
And so, I pray that God will hear my prayer for healing. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
And I thought that by demonizing those memories, I would have come to terms with my past and move on like any cheerful lad who just won the football championship by scoring the defining goal that turns them from losers to winners. No, life doesn't work in that way. Apparently regrets have their cruelty ledge tied onto my feet with shackles that constantly leaves scars after scars around our ankles. It doesn't make things easier when movement is difficult, but at times, when the scars deepen every slight movement reminds of the pain so conveniently.
I thought that my relationship with Jessie has been considered the end. And to be frank, it seemed like that during the initial time when I have decided to break up. It was dramatic ending, with things that in retrospect made me felt sadly regretful for the decisions that I have made. Nevertheless, it has been 2 years since, and I thought that I have moved on.
Moving into the first year of ending, as I was having my retreat in Church of St. Ignatius, I remembered one particular night while walking around the neighborhood surrounding - the strong gush of regrets came to me. And more often that not, I believed that sudden gush of memories could be the floodgate suppressed many months before because I intend to let this episode passed, and enjoy the current relationship with my current girlfriend.
After that retreat, memories of her came in sporadic, but I tend to buff them off as regrets that tried to impede my progress to be a better person. At one particular point of time I remembered writing a very lengthy post addressing this issue (though as much as I could, I tried to subtly hint some element of truth in relating this issue, though generally it was fictionalized). Months later, I was intrigued by a writer named Shusaku Endo (introduced to me by Philip Yancey via his writings in Soul Survivor. He dedicated a whole chapter on this writer who I revered a lot. In fact, I suspect his reverence to him was also equal if not more than mine, as he dedicated Shusaku Endo's chapter second last to Henri Nouwen, whom I have no doubt Mr. Yancey has reserved his strongest dedication for). I read one of his novel 'The Girl I Left Behind'.
To be frank, till this day I couldn't let this book go at the back of my head. At many times, especially when I struggled with pornography and having images of intimacy with my ex-girlfriend came up in my mind, memories of my revelation about a person's life through the eyes of Shusaku Endo's main character, Mr. Yoshioka Tsutomu. How, during his younger days, when he had sex with the poor Morita Mitsu, and that left a fleeting (and sometimes annoying) memory in Yoshioka's mind yet leaving a lasting impression to Morita's perspective. The tragic ending made me pondered so much about our life passing by each day with interception and how much those matters as days got distance.
From time to time, when I accidentally go to places together with my current girlfriend, some of those places bring back memories of Jessie so conveniently that I couldn't help thinking why on earth am I still thinking about them. Was it that difficult to leave behind? And I start to understand why. Physical intimacy, like emotional intimacy, will forever etched in the bonding between the two person, and no matter how much one tries to leave behind, there will be time when the spirit within us is kindled by the bond we had forged before. So when the triggers happen, sadly I have to find a means to get the mind away from the memory. And even more sadly, masturbation and casual sex seems to be the only mode of escapism because I get to see girls (either conjuring from my mind or grabbing new images from pornographic materials) and let me hunger for their bodies more.
It is convenient for me to leave a passing remark and excuses myself for being a victim of cheat, the subject who has lack of self-control. It is. But when I think about the times that I have done that really is at the bottom of the rung, I cannot imagine myself being an example in my working place, in church and especially for my current girlfriend - while struggling to keep my sanity in my memory in check. It is difficult. And I am still trying to find a solution to it.
But when I write this post to reflect, it could perhaps in many years to come, remind me of my journey. But at another circumstances, I hope that by writing it down, I start the healing process (and hopefully this post is a trigger of many to come too) not to demonize, but to accept the blame and let God work through my heart in humility. I should accept humility and chastisement. And I struggle to accept that as well.
But for now, I would like to write something to her, and hopefully that sometime in the future, she may felt a bit in her heart a tickle of joy.
Dear Jessie,
It is my mistake to not forgive you for what you did before. Now after 2 years of our break up, I constantly made mistakes that made me realize that it is human to err. I should listen to you when you earnest want to repent. It could have been a great opportunity for redemption, but I took the other way. Anyway, I don't plan to be a savior. I can't. I hurt more than I save.
In a distant place, you are now married, and hopefully pregnant with a child. I am in no position to comment on your future, and if we were to cross path, I sincerely won't know how to respond and what to say if we were to halt and prompt for response. However, if I could say anything at all, I hope you went on with your life being a better person. If that is the case for you right now, I would be glad. I do hope that you will encounter God, and I can't say that I have the strength to pray on that. But if it is God's plan I would gladly hope that we will see each other in the next chapter of our lives, should that be, either on earth or in heaven.
You definitely made a lasting impression in my life. Perhaps from time to time I might remember again our good times. But I hope that writing this down will be the beginning of my healing. I definitely need to find someone apart from my partner to talk about this, because frankly speaking, it is something that even the most matured wife-to-be may find difficulty reconciling. It may have been the most intimate memory that I share with you, but I decide to find a close male friend, or even a counselor to talk about it.
Lastly, Jessie. I loved you, there's no doubt about it. It was a great memory, but it needs to go and be put in a cabinet and put one side. And I hope that you are living well with your partner, just like how I am learning to live my life to give my all for my current partner, who I love and will always love.
Thank you Jessie. Bless you.
And so, I pray that God will hear my prayer for healing. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
[short post]: To Jessie
I would be posting a long post for you, Jessie. Your phantom is forever in my head, my heart.
It is a difficult birthday for me to celebrate this year. Though we haven't been talking at all for 2 years, somehow the nostalgia of what you have shared with me remains. Ironically, my current partner brought me to places where I shared memories with you first. Deciding that they are distracting, I tried enjoying the moments with my current girlfriend, only to realize the pain I have left behind.
Such difficulty. Because of me.
Longer post coming soon. For now, I want to leave you out of my mind before I sleep tonight.
Good night Jessie.
It is a difficult birthday for me to celebrate this year. Though we haven't been talking at all for 2 years, somehow the nostalgia of what you have shared with me remains. Ironically, my current partner brought me to places where I shared memories with you first. Deciding that they are distracting, I tried enjoying the moments with my current girlfriend, only to realize the pain I have left behind.
Such difficulty. Because of me.
Longer post coming soon. For now, I want to leave you out of my mind before I sleep tonight.
Good night Jessie.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
[reflection]: the girl that remained
Dear Readers,
I felt a strong sense of urgency in addressing this matter at hand, yet on the same time still would like to retain a part of what remains the hidden truth declaring my own self, despite the farce that I usually put up declaring that I am alright.
A year ago, in the humble room of St. Ignatius retreat centre in Farrer Road Singapore, I had a tumultuous night struggling about my commitment for spiritual upheaval. Walking along the dark alley around the neighborhood right outside the church I was perplexed by the complexity of my thought even though the surroundings appear serene and calm. Inside each resident place I could see happy family with most of them gluing over the TV in front.
Such serenity. Such difference compared to what I felt inside.
I was still reminiscing the days when my 2nd girlfriend was still with me. Sadly, the only happy memories I have with her were the first 2 weeks, followed by several nights of love making. It was a hard decision to let go eventually, but it was a difficult decision. I remembered the last moment of our leaving, I made it clear and very lifeless attempt to reject her continual request to fix the relationship. It was a hard decision but I know that I have found someone better.
2 years later after that decision was made, I look at the cross on top of the the building in front while outside, nearby the residential area - and I wondered - why does this right decision feels so wrong?
The whole night I walked around the residence, there's nothing else that struck me more than the decision, and perhaps for the first time I realized how much I have lost to the battle of physical attraction (purely lustrous thought) by myself. I told myself that unless a great deed of accountability can be unashamedly rekindled, there's no way of recovery at all at my attempt to flee from sexual immorality. There is no other way. And this epiphany struck to me last year on 17 July 2013.
Indeed. Yet, what have I done from last year till today? If I were to look at the journey, there was nothing short of disappointments after disappointments along the way. My thoughts were mainly focused on career advancement and doing well for the family. Yet the more I contributed to the career advancement the more disappointments fall into my direction. Eventually, due to lethargy, I decide to move on and quit the job that builds my reputation as an assistant manager and downgraded myself to learn new things as an application engineer in a field I thought closer to my heart: sound.
And again after many attempts, I am constantly reminded of my mistakes. This decision is hard - yet in retrospect I felt it is a wrong decision. A pay cut of SGD 1000, plus it seems this current management looked to me as if I was an ex-old company-that-doesn't-know-anything-about-sound. They made me feel inferior too often and took a stronger abuse in my character.
In addition, my constant reminiscence over my ex-girlfriend took a turn towards physical touch so often that in order to avoid, I either took to masturbation or to escorts to release. In each of these turns, more and more struggles start to compound, especially when I am already not earning enough, and money becomes more and more an urgent and practical problems in my decision making.
Many thoughts came to me. Was it because of that first moment I met that girl, that starts to make all these decisions fall into place, slowly consuming me and eventually destroying me? Was it because of compounding efforts of exterminating my addiction to sex that cause me to killing myself slowly with indecisiveness that led to my now-eventual mistakes in life?
I don't know. But I do read about Shusaku Endo's 'The Girl I Left Behind' with so much strong conviction. It is through this reading that I told myself, come what may, I need to get accountability. Yet after so many attempts I still make the same mistakes. Would there be a light in this this prodigal path of mine?
I felt a strong sense of urgency in addressing this matter at hand, yet on the same time still would like to retain a part of what remains the hidden truth declaring my own self, despite the farce that I usually put up declaring that I am alright.
A year ago, in the humble room of St. Ignatius retreat centre in Farrer Road Singapore, I had a tumultuous night struggling about my commitment for spiritual upheaval. Walking along the dark alley around the neighborhood right outside the church I was perplexed by the complexity of my thought even though the surroundings appear serene and calm. Inside each resident place I could see happy family with most of them gluing over the TV in front.
Such serenity. Such difference compared to what I felt inside.
I was still reminiscing the days when my 2nd girlfriend was still with me. Sadly, the only happy memories I have with her were the first 2 weeks, followed by several nights of love making. It was a hard decision to let go eventually, but it was a difficult decision. I remembered the last moment of our leaving, I made it clear and very lifeless attempt to reject her continual request to fix the relationship. It was a hard decision but I know that I have found someone better.
2 years later after that decision was made, I look at the cross on top of the the building in front while outside, nearby the residential area - and I wondered - why does this right decision feels so wrong?
The whole night I walked around the residence, there's nothing else that struck me more than the decision, and perhaps for the first time I realized how much I have lost to the battle of physical attraction (purely lustrous thought) by myself. I told myself that unless a great deed of accountability can be unashamedly rekindled, there's no way of recovery at all at my attempt to flee from sexual immorality. There is no other way. And this epiphany struck to me last year on 17 July 2013.
Indeed. Yet, what have I done from last year till today? If I were to look at the journey, there was nothing short of disappointments after disappointments along the way. My thoughts were mainly focused on career advancement and doing well for the family. Yet the more I contributed to the career advancement the more disappointments fall into my direction. Eventually, due to lethargy, I decide to move on and quit the job that builds my reputation as an assistant manager and downgraded myself to learn new things as an application engineer in a field I thought closer to my heart: sound.
And again after many attempts, I am constantly reminded of my mistakes. This decision is hard - yet in retrospect I felt it is a wrong decision. A pay cut of SGD 1000, plus it seems this current management looked to me as if I was an ex-old company-that-doesn't-know-anything-about-sound. They made me feel inferior too often and took a stronger abuse in my character.
In addition, my constant reminiscence over my ex-girlfriend took a turn towards physical touch so often that in order to avoid, I either took to masturbation or to escorts to release. In each of these turns, more and more struggles start to compound, especially when I am already not earning enough, and money becomes more and more an urgent and practical problems in my decision making.
Many thoughts came to me. Was it because of that first moment I met that girl, that starts to make all these decisions fall into place, slowly consuming me and eventually destroying me? Was it because of compounding efforts of exterminating my addiction to sex that cause me to killing myself slowly with indecisiveness that led to my now-eventual mistakes in life?
I don't know. But I do read about Shusaku Endo's 'The Girl I Left Behind' with so much strong conviction. It is through this reading that I told myself, come what may, I need to get accountability. Yet after so many attempts I still make the same mistakes. Would there be a light in this this prodigal path of mine?
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Phantom of the past
It's a hard night.
Dream of meeting up with her and her husband scarred my night. Worst it was a dream of me and my other half met her on a train. Strangely my ex approaches me like it was a long lost friendship.
Bittersweet. Yet, sadness engulfed me.
Why did it come at a time when I'm deciding to move on and planning for marriage?
Thursday, June 26, 2014
[reflection]: a deep reading on modern work culture
A heavy read after a lunch time really woke me up a lot in the sense.
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For Forty-Four Hour Workweek)
Food for thought indeed. Am I already accustomed myself to this culture that I, too, am influenced by the consumerism culture induced due to the work place?
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For Forty-Four Hour Workweek)
Food for thought indeed. Am I already accustomed myself to this culture that I, too, am influenced by the consumerism culture induced due to the work place?
[short note]: probably a disappointing day
probably, it is a disappointing day.
and after so much trespasses, this has come to pass. i thought of it merciful though.
but really. the night didn't end well. the feedback was hard. and the phone conversation was hard to absorb the hostility.
it could be just me in the end. but i felt, helpless. truly, i did something really wrong on this.
and after so much trespasses, this has come to pass. i thought of it merciful though.
but really. the night didn't end well. the feedback was hard. and the phone conversation was hard to absorb the hostility.
it could be just me in the end. but i felt, helpless. truly, i did something really wrong on this.
Friday, June 20, 2014
[short note]: my most treasured friendship with colleagues of SPECTRUM
I thank these fighters from SPECTRUM. Their dedication has meant a lot as engineers for our specialist group. And I thank Ilham, for all of his efforts for the company and the people around him. His occasional inside jokes really cracked us up, and his matured insights when we discussed important issues at work. I commemorate him for his last day today in SPECTRUM. On 30th June, it would be my last for SPECTRUM. Tonight perhaps is the most treasured memory I had for years.
Above all, through thick and thin, I believe we have grown more in this company - perhaps more than many of the other department staff. I am proud to have known you all.
From Left: Ifraq, myself, Don, Ilham (today's his last day), Jenny, Arvin, Ramesh, Peng Yee (he has left us a month ago), Ramil
Above all, through thick and thin, I believe we have grown more in this company - perhaps more than many of the other department staff. I am proud to have known you all.
From Left: Ifraq, myself, Don, Ilham (today's his last day), Jenny, Arvin, Ramesh, Peng Yee (he has left us a month ago), Ramil
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
[short note]: don't look back in anger
In all circumstances, you can remain angry for valid and righteous reasons.
But after all that comes and go, learn from it and move on.
Don't let the memory enslaves you and binds you to punishments.
Usually we let the already weakened enemy gained the foothold too easily.
Don't look back in anger. Whatever hurt, sorrow, regrets you have,
If ever willing, let those be chapters of the book called 'Lifelong Learning'.
So after knowing and learning from your mistakes, move on,
Let go and be a better, wiser man.
~ humming the tune of Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis, strangely after a difficult day at work at a church and another an education institutions. Sometimes, it is those places that really split your mind open to see much more.
But after all that comes and go, learn from it and move on.
Don't let the memory enslaves you and binds you to punishments.
Usually we let the already weakened enemy gained the foothold too easily.
Don't look back in anger. Whatever hurt, sorrow, regrets you have,
If ever willing, let those be chapters of the book called 'Lifelong Learning'.
So after knowing and learning from your mistakes, move on,
Let go and be a better, wiser man.
~ humming the tune of Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis, strangely after a difficult day at work at a church and another an education institutions. Sometimes, it is those places that really split your mind open to see much more.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
[reflection]: to come back to where i belong
Several years back, I made the decision to leave a job relevant to my education achievement in pursuit for something meaningful to what I always believe in achieving. When I come to a company relatively new in the industry of professional sound, I was being told of the path of applications for various disciplines in order to get there. In the midst of going through this journey, I met too many setbacks to describe them within a post. Nevertheless, to look back, I have gained much perspective and decide not to make the same decision to pursue my interest again, and decide to find my path back to security.
I find it difficult though, now that I am at the same crossroad again. Yes, many have commented about my stupendous courage to leave behind a job that has begun to bear fruit in management and resource allocation. Some good ol' colleagues, to whom I felt great affinity to, happened to change their attitudes towards me just because of my recent promotion. I felt like the wild booming flower in a huge jungle at times.
In addition, the scope of work given to me doesn't seem to justify anymore the interest that I used to pursue. The more I tried to force my agenda to it, the more lethargic I am, and in the end, the more value I sacrificed, in the name of interest. Which I now realized I am actually blinded by the pursuit of the dream. In the end, I didn't achieve much of it. The dream, anyway, is half-baked. To be the best sound engineer in the company, which theoretically, is not actually a sound engineer. It is an application engineer who happened to be familiar with sound installation from the surface level.
Now that I have already served 3 months of my notice, many thoughts came in. The biggest in question is actually the job application. So far, I have only gotten one that told me that they want me but negotiating on price package. The manager who interviewed me has warned me of the possibility of salary reduction to almost $1000 as I am considered new in this trade. The other consideration would be that this is a line extremely stream-lined in audio (Harman distributor in Singapore - Mahajak SKM). A cross-border company that has a lot of history of professional audio distribution. My role is mainly pre-sales and advisory to post-sales. Lots of consideration as well on workload, though my manager has told me that it is definitely way better than when I am in my present company (several weekends burned, almost 80% for the previous 2 years).
I grew accustomed into thinking as we move to other companies, we tend to also grow in convenience and money security, since this is indoctrinated by secular culture. I was also conflicted by the interest to pursue this interest in sound more - yet at a salary package that is lower than expected.
While in the shower, I gather a lot of thoughts about life and what I have been doing, and one prominent thought came to me. As my salary increased, my sense towards life for what matters most tend to nullify, and my fleshly desire were strongly tempted. Like David enticed by Bathsheba in voyeuristic endeavors, I had my fair shares of indulgence and getting away thinking that I can earn it back easily. In that chain of thought, I count this job as a good starting point of humility. A pursuit in interest, along with a starting point to humility.
I do hope that when the call comes next week to discuss about the package, the money becomes the secondary concern. The main concern I would imagine is the consistency of character to uplift the spirit of Christ-likeness in the market place.
I find it difficult though, now that I am at the same crossroad again. Yes, many have commented about my stupendous courage to leave behind a job that has begun to bear fruit in management and resource allocation. Some good ol' colleagues, to whom I felt great affinity to, happened to change their attitudes towards me just because of my recent promotion. I felt like the wild booming flower in a huge jungle at times.
In addition, the scope of work given to me doesn't seem to justify anymore the interest that I used to pursue. The more I tried to force my agenda to it, the more lethargic I am, and in the end, the more value I sacrificed, in the name of interest. Which I now realized I am actually blinded by the pursuit of the dream. In the end, I didn't achieve much of it. The dream, anyway, is half-baked. To be the best sound engineer in the company, which theoretically, is not actually a sound engineer. It is an application engineer who happened to be familiar with sound installation from the surface level.
Now that I have already served 3 months of my notice, many thoughts came in. The biggest in question is actually the job application. So far, I have only gotten one that told me that they want me but negotiating on price package. The manager who interviewed me has warned me of the possibility of salary reduction to almost $1000 as I am considered new in this trade. The other consideration would be that this is a line extremely stream-lined in audio (Harman distributor in Singapore - Mahajak SKM). A cross-border company that has a lot of history of professional audio distribution. My role is mainly pre-sales and advisory to post-sales. Lots of consideration as well on workload, though my manager has told me that it is definitely way better than when I am in my present company (several weekends burned, almost 80% for the previous 2 years).
I grew accustomed into thinking as we move to other companies, we tend to also grow in convenience and money security, since this is indoctrinated by secular culture. I was also conflicted by the interest to pursue this interest in sound more - yet at a salary package that is lower than expected.
While in the shower, I gather a lot of thoughts about life and what I have been doing, and one prominent thought came to me. As my salary increased, my sense towards life for what matters most tend to nullify, and my fleshly desire were strongly tempted. Like David enticed by Bathsheba in voyeuristic endeavors, I had my fair shares of indulgence and getting away thinking that I can earn it back easily. In that chain of thought, I count this job as a good starting point of humility. A pursuit in interest, along with a starting point to humility.
I do hope that when the call comes next week to discuss about the package, the money becomes the secondary concern. The main concern I would imagine is the consistency of character to uplift the spirit of Christ-likeness in the market place.
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