[film noir]: Pain While Watching

[Disclaimer]: This blog post may not be suitable for readers below their maturity level. Some of the parts are novelized dramatically and may have induced semi-truthful extremity. But the point of being said in here is partly to induce my fluidity and also to express what's been bugging me. Nevertheless, the content may have been quite graphical and difficult to digest. I suggest that when you read this post, read it at the time when you felt burdened by the sinfulness of the world, or that you read it as a concern out of our friendship. There are friends who I remained extremely grateful (Katie, Napthali_deer, Peter, Elijah, Jay being the few people who I knew are keen to know what prompted me to write this article), but for the rest, I welcome discussions on what is written (though lengthly - as you know I don't write frequent blog post unless I am highly inspired). But be warned first: you may not like what's written, though I would sincerely appreciate that you read the entire article before deciding whether to throw this aside or remained burden as a human.

====================[S T A R T]====================

Chapter 1: The recognition of pain [poem]

Alas, as the night encroached by,
After days of torment within the heart,
Finally I settled down on the crimson bed,
While looking out to the window, silence in the head.

What's more important in life than mere existence,
'Cause everyday I see death as imminent answer in the end,
Finality will not proved everyday's life meaningfulness,
Till death does us part - what we all say - all in existence' due.

I looked at the life I lived, nothing much to give,
Everyday's momentum moved closer to the traps of death,
A walk out to the park exposed you to accidents on the street,
A walk out of the room exposed you to accidents within the alley.

I rather stayed on the bed, watching the silence due,
Because my fear of living engulfed my heart with all pain,
Nothing's meaningful anymore - to take existence by its core,
There hence I rode along the meaningless of it all.

Chapter 2: The reason for pain [poem]

Through it all, I see the reason for the bleakness of my perspective,
Nothing else matters, really no one else would understand,
Save the moment of silence eerily echoes,
Shouting out the chorus...

What is left of me? Nothing at all,
My attempt for success is bound to fail someday,
I tried hard to make amends, to make things right, but nothing work,
In the end, the pain arose because I tried hard, and nothing worked. Nothing.

Why am I so engrossed with recognition?
Does it matter that people recognized what I am doing?
Will it help if there are people seeing what's in my mind and my masterpiece?
Does it matter if in the end, people loved me for what I am doing for them at all?

I don't know. I wished they looked at me emphatically and lovingly,
Hoping the love rebounds multi-fold and never-ending,
But despite the genuineness of their love,
Nothing can escape hypocrisy.

Chapter 3: My tears for the pain (narrative)

I looked at the windows, and suddenly tears dropped felt across the cheek. It has been a while. Really.

I was loitering around the pub opposite the music shop that I frequently visit before, and thought that a visit would be good, after so much time is spent on the work. I remembered one pub that is particularly quiet and serene, and I decide to pay a visit. It was around 9 pm on a Saturday night.

Manchester United was already losing 0-1 to Blackburn by the time I reached, and few minutes later Rooney would have scored the crucial equalizer to claimed their 19th EPL Championship title. But that was the furthest in my mind.

I looked across the people around me. Their jovial mood really took on a pleasant stage of the place. And really, if ever I was the keen patron, I would have thought the same and enjoyed the scenery and perhaps go along with them. Not with this one. Unfortunately, something snapped in me.

Of all the time I have decided for work, and much of what's happening around me, I am consumed by the emotions in my heart. I am especially beguiled by the response of how I see things around me. Apathetic, meanness, corruption, materialistic, legalistic, sadistic, masochist - and plenty of our human's own fallacy.

I remembered seeing the Singapore General Election with great enthusiasm, thanks to the propaganda of the internet media across social network. Apparently opposition is the current era of democracy's support, and people were repelled at the actions of what the current government has provided for them. Complaints after complaints, and the people want the government to fulfill the promises, and enabled their lives.

I thought about all these, and I saw apathy. Feeling pathetic for our human nature who wants people to satisfy us. We want cheaper rates of living, yet having a luxurious outlook in life. We want better welfare, yet also having the best of the welfare system for our own. We want better rebates on the hospital treatment, and remember - it has to be in the highest class of the hospital ward.

Then there's people who, across the religion (Buddhist, Christian, Catholic, Muslim) that strongly emphasized on the meaning of religious piety. You need to pray and meditate every morning (which is in essence something good), you need to give tithe, you need to pray 5 times a day, you need to arrange for confession every week, you need to read the Bible, you need to believe in the existence of God, or nothing. And these people genuinely took the theology behind, articulate them, and in the end stifled with the belief when one day, something happened that seemed to discount the existence of God. When someone they love die tragically, when something happened in their lives and they found it depressive and yet no solution was given, and countless of judgments poured over them with comments of them not being faithful, not religious enough and etc. They may have left God, but they left more humanity in them. They decide to be agnostic and in the end, apathetic.

Of course, with all the corruption of the people around, they are also those who enjoyed the fallacy of humanity in a sadistic and masochist manner. Violence and rapes are everywhere, and people seemed to enjoy being a spectator to the news that occurred everyday. It is good to watch commentary of issues such as rising violence against women on how to tackle the issues on personal and corporate level - but are we pouring enough judgment and play god ourselves also when we looked at these issues? I felt extremely sad when I watch a news article on an evangelical take on recent women's attire being indecent and invite males perpetration. When I read about it, I was seriously concern about what will happen if this evangelical happened to see a woman in front of that person. Would that person poured his/her point of view on her, and tell her to repent? What would happen if she wouldn't change the clothing? Would he/she took turned to 'thank God that he/she is not like this woman, who has no shame at all over her indecency?' I thought it awhile, and I felt that it may have been that we perhaps may have put an adverse effect on her while pouring our judgment. Perhaps she knew but that's the only way for her to find intimacy, even though it is a fake and cheap intimacy. Perhaps that is the only closeness to relationship that she ever knows. Do we ever think about that?

And of all - I am terribly silenced by the fact that the ability for me to write the social commentaries above made me the worst human to live on earth. I do all the talking, but would I walk the talk when the actual thing happened to my own life? When I am faced with human adversities, would I reach out to help? When I am down with my own financial difficulties, would I still think of giving to the poor when I can't live life properly myself. When I saw someone disobeying God (consciously or unconsciously) would I affirmed my love for him/her despite disagreeing with him/her? When I saw a lady dressing inappropriately in a general function, would I stopped myself from raining down my judgment calls on her?

With these thoughts in mind, with great burden, I can't seemed to find someone to talk to. So I poured out within my heart with Heineken, and several cigarettes - something that I haven't done for more than a decade.

These pains are hard to subdue, and I do not know where is the solution for them. In drunkenness and intoxicated with the nicotine, I forced myself to lie onto my bed, with images of knives on my both hands slicing across my abdomen being strangely the only comfort that I have as my dream, not the nightmare.

Strangely, killing myself seems an attractive option, living in this meaningless and wretched world.

Chapter 4: Where, hence are you, my beloved? [nostalgia, narrative]

I remembered waking up from that dream with instant prick of regret. It was quite weird, after realizing that I have just gone through the ordeal of having slices of scars that tore my abdomen, seeing inner organ being splashed through the bed I used to comfortably tucked myself into - and see that all of these are like cleansing the sins within me.

It was a graphic description, but that is because I can only take comfort that these are the necessary pain to achieve sinlessness. Then it dawned to me:

"These pains are necessary. Why?"

I thought for a while, and pondered in my head the time when I woke up. It registered as 9 am. Gosh, I am late for my church service, I reminded myself. But I saw the guitar lying across my bed, and I didn't realize that I might have played some melody in drunkenness the night before. Somehow the head seemed reeling from the intoxication, and I affirmed it first by smelling the remains of tobacco stains on my right fingers. Gosh, I smoked yesterday.

I took the guitar, and somehow a familiar voice came to me:

"Play that song that you wrote several years back. Play that without letup."

Epiphany of Misery came to mind. I find it strange that whenever something sinister happened in my life, I would tend to play that song. It was supposed to sound simple. Nothing fancy about the tune. Just a E major scale down in blues pentatonic major.

Though the tune is old, new lyrics came to mind. This is what was sung:

"Past the age,
Across the globe,
All that's found,
Is memories lost.

What's important,
No longer matters,
In the end, who's close,
Is the only thing left to know"

Strange, especially when I thought about the fallacy of humanity, how did this sentimental recollection - with hints of romanticism becomes the only comfort in my suddenly soothing heart?

And strangely, the fingers start to play some tune that was familiar to me, but it took some times for my mind to adjust what was played.

"God will make a way,
When they seems to be no way,
He works in way, we cannot see,
God will make a way for us,

He will be our guide,
Hold us closely to His side,
With love and strength, for each new day,
He will make a way, he will make a way,

By the roadway in the wilderness,
He'll lead us,
'N the rivers in the desert will us see,
Heaven and earth will fade,
But His word will still remain,
He will put something new today."

AA programs attendees will always be required to acknowledge first and foremost important lesson that started from humility: that we are alcoholics, whether or not we haven't drunk any since several decades or we are now trying to be sober. We need a higher power to save us from our apparent addiction, and knowing that in each and everyday we need Someone higher to guide us, and to lead us away. And we need the guide of a group of people who not only empathize with our predicament, but in every way acknowledge that we too are broken creatures that needed the help from Someone higher than us.

I am reminded of my faith in Christ, and how much the necessary pain that He went through on earth. At the point of time when Jesus went through the flocking of those terrible invention of humanity - I kindled the thought of what must have gone through in His head. But no human thought can understand the depths of what God must have thought in that moment.

"Human pain must have been difficult to go through. This is the pain of all the Nazi's atrocities' survival victims. This is the pain of all the brutal violence inflicted upon my beloved daughters created by love. This is the pain that must have inflicted on the poor victims of wars, no matter how guilty/innocent they are. This is the pain that must have inflicted my dear prisoners by their guards even though they deserve the pain inflicted for the crimes they commit. This is the pain my creations went through."

And when I thought about the moment when Jesus was betrayed by both Judas and Peter, it must have been bitter for us to see how much these 2 beloved disciples of Christ betrayed the Christ, who is above all innocent and pure, and in fact don't deserve such punishment. But I might not have fathomed the depths of what He must have thought about when He was betrayed:

"The pain of isolation, this must have been felled by my poor creation on earth. When husbands divorced them, when kids were abandoned, when government favored the work of Marxism, when ladies were cheated by their so-called boyfriend into porn industries, when boys are being bullied in school, when legions of armies were betrayed by a single marine who defected to the enemy, and died eventually, when politicians sugarcoated their promises and in the end blatantly blamed the request of the citizens - this must have been what they went through as human betrayal. How sad and fallen world is."

We often thought about how Jesus went through His difficult ordeals while on earth, especially on the day when He was being beaten and guided to Gethsemane. But often we are not aware that God is looking at the apathy of humanity and thus worked through this plan of salvation because He has seen (and is seeing) the atrocities that human beings are capable of.

And it is in this vision, that a silent, gentle whisper blew into my semi-intoxicated head:

"With this salvation, go thereforth and speaketh to the world, so that they may know that God has come not to condemn, but to save the humanity."

It is in this voice of the Beloved that I am being called to, and hope that day by day, the Lord sustains us through, despite the busy schedule, busy commitment at work, purposeful quiet time to seek His Face, purposeful life to seek His community, and continue to look out for people who are left behind in the journey to the Lord.

And with this thought, I smelled on the tobacco stain, and I told myself:

"Never again. And God, helps us all. For I am weak, and a sinner undeserving to be called Your love. But You call me, and now I give my life to you."

Amen. Thank You Jesus.

====================[E N D]====================

[reflection]: loved and hurt before, and now lived...

I had an opportunity to observe people around me, and enjoy the moments of being in the community with a bunch of my old classmates (university ones) that I really appreciate, that I suddenly had a glimpse of a past that I always dared not want to write up about.

But because of the fond memories I had back in those days (no matter how short they are), I betrayed my conscience to actually look at them and feed onto my nostalgia of those memories.

Now that I think about those moments, I really cannot imagine that we went through difficult times - and learned from there the meaning of life, and how much that actually translate into our perspective in seeing various things around us. I am not sure if this speaks also for the rest of my contemplative friends (as in those who gave life a thoughtful overview), but I believe that this is where the meaning of life would have brought us to.

--------------------[the memories of loving]------------------------------------

I remembered loving my first girlfriend the moment I got rejected by someone I liked in university. I took about a year in liking her, and ended up feeling rejected the moment I managed to bring up the topic. She remains friendly after, but I think the passion I had for her had diminished, and somehow, an opportunity comes where I start to admire another person.

She is definitely the sort of person my friends, especially those who know my character well, would think that she's the type I will go for. Cute and sassy, slightly tanned and sporty. She had the very naive kind of look, with that petite size that you can never imagine coming from. I remembered seeing her during an audition for a bass playing in one of the hard rock band that I checked up online. She was the one who struck the conversation first with me. In the end of the relationship the whole thing didn't end well, and I start to have 2 years of struggling through the meaning of relationship, and that I felt that I need to be convicted because she is a non-Christian, who enjoyed drinking once in a while. 

Then there was the second one, who came in 2 and a half year after the first break up. I had the opportunity to met with another cute and sassy one, except this is a very fair young lady who works in my company as an accountant. I met with her when I got my Japan business trip claim after a year of absence within the finance department. I remembered the conversation led between me and her naturally, instead of her being the aggressive type. We went ahead after my Japan business trip, which is about a month later, and feeling that things were right, we decide to try. This lasted longer, but still not long enough to last forever. And though we broke up for similar reasons with the first one, we ended the relationship mutually, and with lesser hangovers.

--------------------[the sadness in loving]------------------------------------

I believed, when the depression kicks in immediately after my first break up, I was exceptionally upset with my mentor, my church friends, and even some who actually advocate the 'unequally-yoked' idea. I felt that I am kinda being abominated from being in love with 'non-Christian'. In my head, I kept on thinking: what's wrong with non-Christian? Aren't they human too? Aren't we all? Why the sudden fuss that we as Christians must be in relationship with Christians alone? What separates us from them?

My mentor made it clear that he didn't directly condemn the non-Christians for being in relationship with Christian, but he did emphasize that the relationship is not wise, and that several burdens will definitely get in the way with the Lord. Though I agreed very much that thought, at that point of time, I felt that he said it to veil his condemnation for my girlfriend. He met up with my first ex-girlfriend, and already he commented that 'she is dominating you, making you the weaker one.'

When I was with my second girlfriend, unfortunately my depression has yet to leave me. In fact, it was pretty much at my weakest point of my life. I remembered crying hardest in the counselling session a month before the relationship, and thought that Lord has put a prank on me - thinking that God purposely put this episode to tempt me and to test my faithfulness, in which I would not be able to deny my cravings for the loneliness to subside. It was the worst session I had with my counselor, yet I would think back that session as the most crystal clear about my desire and my longings. For the first time, I admit without guilt and let ups, that I want a girlfriend: straight forward and blatant. It sounded almost like a vulgar language, because I don't want the sex, the foreplay, the whichever - I just want a girl who loves me and that I can love and serve her. That's all. I kept going around saying how unfair it is for God to deny me of any relationship in the church, and that I have to find someone outside. 

That period, in retrospectively, seems like a good lesson of knowing myself more. The side of me that wants to be heard, the raw side. The one closest to the heart.

--------------------[the articulation of loving]------------------------------------

One important aspect that I have learned about loving is the price to pay. When I was in the first relationship, my girlfriend was a rich girlfriend. She would buy me stuff, and brought me to places where I have never been, and treated me with lots of memories. At that point of time, I just started work, and I have no capital on my own. She really treats me well, and if we were in relationship for a period longer than the 2 months that we had, I would have enjoyed more because of the dedication of her treating me. It was chauvinistic of me thinking that we were in love. I think perhaps I was the one in love - the easier way. She sacrificed a lot, just to see me smile and be there for her. And that, I felt, is the selfish part of me.

When I was with my second girlfriend, the initial part was that she treated me with things. Honestly she bought me expensive gifts during Christmas, and that I felt that it was really unnecessary. But she felt that she wanted this relationship to last as long as the gift she gave to me, and I started to feel a bit pressured. In return, I actually tried to buy something for her whenever I thought about her. After the first month though, I started to fork out more for her: time, money, attention, energy.

When the work started to kick in high gear, it was difficult for me to sustain a relationship with her, but I managed somehow to give my time after work, no matter how late, to her. I went to her home after work just to say goodbye, and buy dinner whenever I could for her. But this couldn't last long, and in the end, by very weird circumstances, we felt that both of us were better of separated, in a very mutual consent. It was not even painful. It began to feel like this is a necessary decision to make.  

[film noir]: Pain While Watching

[Disclaimer]: This blog post may not be suitable for readers below their maturity level. Some of the parts are novelized dramatically and may have induced semi-truthful extremity. But the point of being said in here is partly to induce my fluidity and also to express what's been bugging me. Nevertheless, the content may have been quite graphical and difficult to digest. I suggest that when you read this post, read it at the time when you felt burdened by the sinfulness of the world, or that you read it as a concern out of our friendship. There are friends who I remained extremely grateful (Katie, Napthali_deer, Peter, Elijah, Jay being the few people who I knew are keen to know what prompted me to write this article), but for the rest, I welcome discussions on what is written (though lengthly - as you know I don't write frequent blog post unless I am highly inspired). But be warned first: you may not like what's written, though I would sincerely appreciate that you read the entire article before deciding whether to throw this aside or remained burden as a human.

====================[S T A R T]====================

Chapter 1: The recognition of pain [poem]

Alas, as the night encroached by, 
After days of torment within the heart,
Finally I settled down on the crimson bed,
While looking out to the window, silence in the head.

What's more important in life than mere existence,
'Cause everyday I see death as imminent answer in the end,
Finality will not proved everyday's life meaningfulness,
Till death does us part - what we all say - all in existence' due.

I looked at the life I lived, nothing much to give,
Everyday's momentum moved closer to the traps of death,
A walk out to the park exposed you to accidents on the street,
A walk out of the room exposed you to accidents within the alley.

I rather stayed on the bed, watching the silence due,
Because my fear of living engulfed my heart with all pain,
Nothing's meaningful anymore - to take existence by its core,
There hence I rode along the meaningless of it all.

Chapter 2: The reason for pain [poem]

Through it all, I see the reason for the bleakness of my perspective,
Nothing else matters, really no one else would understand,
Save the moment of silence eerily echoes,
Shouting out the chorus...

What is left of me? Nothing at all,
My attempt for success is bound to fail someday,
I tried hard to make amends, to make things right, but nothing work,
In the end, the pain arose because I tried hard, and nothing worked. Nothing.

Why am I so engrossed with recognition?
Does it matter that people recognized what I am doing?
Will it help if there are people seeing what's in my mind and my masterpiece?
Does it matter if in the end, people loved me for what I am doing for them at all?

I don't know. I wished they looked at me emphatically and lovingly,
Hoping the love rebounds multi-fold and never-ending,
But despite the genuineness of their love,
Nothing can escape hypocrisy. 

Chapter 3: My tears for the pain (narrative)

I looked at the windows, and suddenly tears dropped felt across the cheek. It has been a while. Really.

I was loitering around the pub opposite the music shop that I frequently visit before, and thought that a visit would be good, after so much time is spent on the work. I remembered one pub that is particularly quiet and serene, and I decide to pay a visit. It was around 9 pm on a Saturday night.

Manchester United was already losing 0-1 to Blackburn by the time I reached, and few minutes later Rooney would have scored the crucial equalizer to claimed their 19th EPL Championship title. But that was the furthest in my mind.

I looked across the people around me. Their jovial mood really took on a pleasant stage of the place. And really, if ever I was the keen patron, I would have thought the same and enjoyed the scenery and perhaps go along with them. Not with this one. Unfortunately, something snapped in me.

Of all the time I have decided for work, and much of what's happening around me, I am consumed by the emotions in my heart. I am especially beguiled by the response of how I see things around me. Apathetic, meanness, corruption, materialistic, legalistic, sadistic, masochist - and plenty of our human's own fallacy. 

I remembered seeing the Singapore General Election with great enthusiasm, thanks to the propaganda of the internet media across social network. Apparently opposition is the current era of democracy's support, and people were repelled at the actions of what the current government has provided for them. Complaints after complaints, and the people want the government to fulfill the promises, and enabled their lives. 

I thought about all these, and I saw apathy. Feeling pathetic for our human nature who wants people to satisfy us. We want cheaper rates of living, yet having a luxurious outlook in life. We want better welfare, yet also having the best of the welfare system for our own. We want better rebates on the hospital treatment, and remember - it has to be in the highest class of the hospital ward.

Then there's people who, across the religion (Buddhist, Christian, Catholic, Muslim) that strongly emphasized on the meaning of religious piety. You need to pray and meditate every morning (which is in essence something good), you need to give tithe, you need to pray 5 times a day, you need to arrange for confession every week, you need to read the Bible, you need to believe in the existence of God, or nothing. And these people genuinely took the theology behind, articulate them, and in the end stifled with the belief when one day, something happened that seemed to discount the existence of God. When someone they love die tragically, when something happened in their lives and they found it depressive and yet no solution was given, and countless of judgments poured over them with comments of them not being faithful, not religious enough and etc. They may have left God, but they left more humanity in them. They decide to be agnostic and in the end, apathetic. 

Of course, with all the corruption of the people around, they are also those who enjoyed the fallacy of humanity in a sadistic and masochist manner. Violence and rapes are everywhere, and people seemed to enjoy being a spectator to the news that occurred everyday. It is good to watch commentary of issues such as rising violence against women on how to tackle the issues on personal and corporate level - but are we pouring enough judgment and play god ourselves also when we looked at these issues? I felt extremely sad when I watch a news article on an evangelical take on recent women's attire being indecent and invite males perpetration. When I read about it, I was seriously concern about what will happen if this evangelical happened to see a woman in front of that person. Would that person poured his/her point of view on her, and tell her to repent? What would happen if she wouldn't change the clothing? Would he/she took turned to 'thank God that he/she is not like this woman, who has no shame at all over her indecency?' I thought it awhile, and I felt that it may have been that we perhaps may have put an adverse effect on her while pouring our judgment. Perhaps she knew but that's the only way for her to find intimacy, even though it is a fake and cheap intimacy. Perhaps that is the only closeness to relationship that she ever knows. Do we ever think about that?

And of all - I am terribly silenced by the fact that the ability for me to write the social commentaries above made me the worst human to live on earth. I do all the talking, but would I walk the talk when the actual thing happened to my own life? When I am faced with human adversities, would I reach out to help? When I am down with my own financial difficulties, would I still think of giving to the poor when I can't live life properly myself. When I saw someone disobeying God (consciously or unconsciously) would I affirmed my love for him/her despite disagreeing with him/her? When I saw a lady dressing inappropriately in a general function, would I stopped myself from raining down my judgment calls on her?

With these thoughts in mind, with great burden, I can't seemed to find someone to talk to. So I poured out within my heart with Heineken, and several cigarettes - something that I haven't done for more than a decade. 

These pains are hard to subdue, and I do not know where is the solution for them. In drunkenness and intoxicated with the nicotine, I forced myself to lie onto my bed, with images of knives on my both hands slicing across my abdomen being strangely the only comfort that I have as my dream, not the nightmare.

Strangely, killing myself seems an attractive option, living in this meaningless and wretched world.

Chapter 4: Where, hence are you, my beloved? [nostalgia, narrative]

I remembered waking up from that dream with instant prick of regret. It was quite weird, after realizing that I have just gone through the ordeal of having slices of scars that tore my abdomen, seeing inner organ being splashed through the bed I used to comfortably tucked myself into - and see that all of these are like cleansing the sins within me.

It was a graphic description, but that is because I can only take comfort that these are the necessary pain to achieve sinlessness. Then it dawned to me:

"These pains are necessary. Why?"

I thought for a while, and pondered in my head the time when I woke up. It registered as 9 am. Gosh, I am late for my church service, I reminded myself. But I saw the guitar lying across my bed, and I didn't realize that I might have played some melody in drunkenness the night before. Somehow the head seemed reeling from the intoxication, and I affirmed it first by smelling the remains of tobacco stains on my right fingers. Gosh, I smoked yesterday.

I took the guitar, and somehow a familiar voice came to me:

"Play that song that you wrote several years back. Play that without letup."

Epiphany of Misery came to mind. I find it strange that whenever something sinister happened in my life, I would tend to play that song. It was supposed to sound simple. Nothing fancy about the tune. Just a E major scale down in blues pentatonic major. 

Though the tune is old, new lyrics came to mind. This is what was sung:

"Past the age,
Across the globe,
All that's found,
Is memories lost.

What's important,
No longer matters,
In the end, who's close,
Is the only thing left to know"

Strange, especially when I thought about the fallacy of humanity, how did this sentimental recollection - with hints of romanticism becomes the only comfort in my suddenly soothing heart?

And strangely, the fingers start to play some tune that was familiar to me, but it took some times for my mind to adjust what was played.

"God will make a way,
When they seems to be no way,
He works in way, we cannot see,
God will make a way for us,

He will be our guide,
Hold us closely to His side,
With love and strength, for each new day,
He will make a way, he will make a way,

By the roadway in the wilderness,
He'll lead us,
'N the rivers in the desert will us see,
Heaven and earth will fade,
But His word will still remain,
He will put something new today."

AA programs attendees will always be required to acknowledge first and foremost important lesson that started from humility: that we are alcoholics, whether or not we haven't drunk any since several decades or we are now trying to be sober. We need a higher power to save us from our apparent addiction, and knowing that in each and everyday we need Someone higher to guide us, and to lead us away. And we need the guide of a group of people who not only empathize with our predicament, but in every way acknowledge that we too are broken creatures that needed the help from Someone higher than us.

I am reminded of my faith in Christ, and how much the necessary pain that He went through on earth. At the point of time when Jesus went through the flocking of those terrible invention of humanity - I kindled the thought of what must have gone through in His head. But no human thought can understand the depths of what God must have thought in that moment.

"Human pain must have been difficult to go through. This is the pain of all the Nazi's atrocities' survival victims. This is the pain of all the brutal violence inflicted upon my beloved daughters created by love. This is the pain that must have inflicted on the poor victims of wars, no matter how guilty/innocent they are. This is the pain that must have inflicted my dear prisoners by their guards even though they deserve the pain inflicted for the crimes they commit. This is the pain my creations went through."

And when I thought about the moment when Jesus was betrayed by both Judas and Peter, it must have been bitter for us to see how much these 2 beloved disciples of Christ betrayed the Christ, who is above all innocent and pure, and in fact don't deserve such punishment. But I might not have fathomed the depths of what He must have thought about when He was betrayed:

"The pain of isolation, this must have been felled by my poor creation on earth. When husbands divorced them, when kids were abandoned, when government favored the work of Marxism, when ladies were cheated by their so-called boyfriend into porn industries, when boys are being bullied in school, when legions of armies were betrayed by a single marine who defected to the enemy, and died eventually, when politicians sugarcoated their promises and in the end blatantly blamed the request of the citizens - this must have been what they went through as human betrayal. How sad and fallen world is."

We often thought about how Jesus went through His difficult ordeals while on earth, especially on the day when He was being beaten and guided to Gethsemane. But often we are not aware that God is looking at the apathy of humanity and thus worked through this plan of salvation because He has seen (and is seeing) the atrocities that human beings are capable of.

And it is in this vision, that a silent, gentle whisper blew into my semi-intoxicated head:

"With this salvation, go thereforth and speaketh to the world, so that they may know that God has come not to condemn, but to save the humanity."

It is in this voice of the Beloved that I am being called to, and hope that day by day, the Lord sustains us through, despite the busy schedule, busy commitment at work, purposeful quiet time to seek His Face, purposeful life to seek His community, and continue to look out for people who are left behind in the journey to the Lord.

And with this thought, I smelled on the tobacco stain, and I told myself:

"Never again. And God, helps us all. For I am weak, and a sinner undeserving to be called Your love. But You call me, and now I give my life to you."

Amen. Thank You Jesus. 

====================[E N D]====================

[reflection]: As time goes by

Ever wonder if you have ever grown up?

Whether you are 7 years old boy who thought that finally he is going to primary school on his own (in commonwealth countries, children go through kindergarten first, then primary school, then secondary school then pre-university/college, then university), or you are 70 years old, who in her everyday life started to embrace life as breeze of the moment, and moving on to the next phase is inevitable - were there a time when you wonder about human fragility and how much the rest has become less of a concern?

Have you wondered that at some point of time, have possessed many things in life, you seem to lose out something more important that made you nervous? Have you then considered what matters most? 

Did you realize that at some point of time, the person you actually dislike for various reason turns out having a very difficult situation in her life, and you in turn took sympathy for her predicament - and then empathize with her, and in the end embracing her?

These are parts of growing up that I felt important to embrace, because these are the moments where God gave us little glimpse of how we mature in life.

---------------------------------------------------------

When I was younger I always observe maturity as something very 'manly' and very articulative. Though both do apply as we grow up, there are several more moments of things I felt actually made us realize that we have, at least move on with our life. 

[update]: difficult life - from now on...

While I have the time (the luxury to have 2 hour lunch break - which I never had it before), perhaps it would be good to do a quick reflection on what's happening with me.

I don't find things depressive externally, especially when recently, my effort for the 3 months of probation had paid off with much higher salary increment (thought still below market rate - by a little), and my work has been given some smoother edge over work-life balance. I now have more time to be on my own, rather than during the probation, where I worked for 3 months straight including the weekends till midnight, and going to church while I have the time taxed out my commitment.

I realized now that while I was on my previous job, the time given to me was actually luxurious and how much I have wasted them in the name of 'liberty'. Really, if I were to use those time like how I use them here in my current career, so much pain wouldn't have caused. And I would even have the time to pursue my part time career in music if I want to.

Well, anyway...

Now I am given a direction to pursue specialization in sound, video and network engineering (all three were my interest during my university life) though I think the price to pay is high. I am planning to allocate time for personal commitment, and that includes my parents. That's what I hope for now. 

In the midst of all these as well, I can see the difficulty in maintaining my focus on serving Christ as well - especially when the attraction is much more on the material benefit. I now realize Jesus' teaching of how poor in the heart of the rich man is he - that 'it is easier for camel to pass through the needle than the rich man to lose his possession for the sake of Christ'. How difficult.

Lord have mercy on me. Teach me to be humble... all over again.

[reflection]: the love of the parents

I was thinking hard about the future path that I may partake in the future, especially considering the fact that I am feeling quite lethargic towards whatever I have been dealing with in life at this present moment.

My recent trip back in Malaysia actually instigated this motivation, and I have been pondering about this option since.

I am still owing the Singapore bank of total SGD 20,000, and I have half a year more bond to serve before I can consider leaving Singapore. In addition, with all the hassles on the inflation across Singapore plus my stagnant salary (in fact, I took a pay cut instead of a pay rise because of a job that I supposedly enjoyed) - I am thinking about leaving Singapore and move to somewhere.

Thinking about my family, I was considering moving back to Malaysia, close to rural area, and start my meditation on God more seriously. However, the more I think about the more absurd it became. After all, it is precisely in this same rural area that I learned about pornography, drug abuse and chain-smoking habit. Of course, my childhood habit of stealing seemed to run aground into the conscience wall on recent note.

Perhaps, with all these that is happening, I start to realize that running away is not an option. To run away from Singapore because of the monetary and pragmatic commitments is IMHO eventual evidence of a coward. And to stick to where I am today - is IMHO eventual path of misery. So, how do I deal with them?

My mom surprisingly brought this up on random note, with something that really opened up my perspective. She offered help to pay off the remaining loan, and mentioned that I can pay her back little by little every month, obviously with no interest compound to it. As for my work, she thought that it would help to let me know that I don't have to worry if there's no job around for me - she can still give some for me. 

To my younger sister, she felt that I have abused the authority and do not deserve such treatment. She often told me on separate account how gullible I was to think that Mom is very generous about my ordeal. She said that Mom would always complained about me (which to be honest, I believe it is true - even my Mom's customers' can attest to them).

But throughout time I realize something profound in accepting this gesture from my parents, particularly my Mom.

When I was younger, I yearned to have my own freedom in life. I wished for independence in controlling my life. At the age of 19, with all the hopes of achieving what I want in life, I embarked a journey in Singapore, with determination not to even contact any of my relatives who stay in Singapore. I want to prove that my existence can be substantiated by my own effort.

8 years into my life in Singapore, and I must say how gullible I really was. I went from prince-like life to pauper-like, and during my 2nd year in Singapore, I have a hard time trying to even eat (because I don't have enough money to pay off myself). I owed a good couple thousands of dollars trying to feed myself. And really, if it wasn't for them, I would never appreciate Grace from God.

In the midst of my failure, I found God and found Grace through Him through the good couple, and many good friends who give me gift without asking anything in return. And that's where I started to appreciate gift as something profound - more than just 'you deserve it, my friend', but 'even if you don't deserve it, we still give you. Make good use of it' 

I thought about my life, and there's several ups and downs. Perhaps more downs because I started to find myself in the midst of darkness the temptation of pornography and sexual addiction extremely satisfying, and they got me away so many times. But they also consummated my life such that I couldn't concentrate on living my life well. And as time passed by, I realized how many of my youth days were lost to 'the price of freedom'.

So, when I think about the offer my Mom made for me, I can tell out of genuineness her concern for me as a mother. Even if she would complain behind my back, I knew that eventually, every mother's heart still ache for their children. After all, even if the children is the abomination to the world, they are still the parents' pride and joy.

My sister earned respect from my parents since young, and even till today, she still is doing that. She earned a Dean List in TESL Master programme, and she worked so hard in teaching line that even my parents have different perspective about her. When young, I was the better one academically, so perhaps she felt that being a shadow was a hard sublime to her. Now that she is doing much better than me, she felt that I should start waking up.

But there's still moment when I wonder if there's a need to 'earn respects' from my parents. I used to have the same ideologies, but my recent setbacks and my eventual breakdown in my career path caused my parents immense sorrow that is shared together with me. And for the first time in my life, I began to understand the power of family. And sadly, my younger sister looked upon the intimacy as something threatening - especially when she mentioned how much I was being complained whenever I am not around.

I believed that what she said was true - and I have no doubt that she is correct. True, my parents were mean and sometimes they speak bad things behind me. They did the same to my sister as well, and there are things that were so nasty I wished it came out from other people, not my parents. But I also do understand the fallacy of humanity, and that my parents were not perfect. In their imperfection they tried to love me. And to be honest, despite their imperfection, I believe they have done pretty well as my parents.

When I was younger I hated them, because of the mean things they said to me. But when I think about them now, with their age ailing them towards imminent death, I cannot help but think of them as being my wonderful parents. It doesn't matter whether I will become the world's famous person or the richest person (although that is their dream). All it matters is that me and my sister are their 'pride and joy'.

In line with Mother's Day, I will like to personally wish all the mothers who have been trying hard to raise their children well - Happy Mother's Day. Especially my mother, who in her imperfection still strive to think that she is the perfect mother for all - and also her intention to want to stop trying to be perfect anymore...

Ma... thank you. I still love you, whether you are perfect or not. Really.

[reflection]: lesson from an addict to another addict

I learned something during this weekend, and the recent Monday, the temptation to give in to addiction.

People always have the 'push-factor' when it comes to reaching a breaking point. 

Generally there are a few: disappointments, rejections, pressure, etc... These are very general. The generalities never help to identify the root cause.

So, I decide to find what's the 'push-factor' for me, and one particular factor stands out.

My recent work endeavors have been very tiring and difficult. It is like I am being tricked into the job. So many promises given but none fulfilled. And when I come into the company with so many issues, I realized that from an engineer point of view, I will need to solve it - regardless. So, when I worked for Saturday and Sunday nonstop for several weeks, I am exhausted.

When I am exhausted, I come back home hoping to be appreciated at least for the hard work at my working place. But whenever I come back home, I found out that there's nobody who is concerned about my presence, let alone my issues.

I am currently staying with my university friends in a unit, but we all always mind our businesses, such that we don't come back the same time or have any regular outings. I always recall coming back feeling rather alone.

In the past, I thought that with my favorite guitar, my favorite home theater equipment and my favorite room, I would be able to come back and say, "Here I come back, home sweet home".

No... the feeling of jadedness never went away.

In fact, the silence roamed eeriely throughout the house, that it felt very uncomfortable. 

For several years, I always succumb to addiction every Friday and Saturday precisely because of this. Sometimes it is work, sometimes it is issues with friends, with love one, with my parents - but whenever I come back home I felt rather alone.

Somehow, on recent days, I began to see things clearer, and I start to have some idea what it meant to go and meet people who you can trust on a day you are most vulnerable.

My cell group acknowledges this, so we decide to have fortnight meeting on Friday night. Saturday night is normally a time for our own, but I intend, even if I need to be in solitude, I will choose to go out to quieter place instead of being alone at home. Things are too easy to succumb to when you are alone at home, with room locked. 

Accountability is also another thing that is helpful, but I learn to find the more appropriate person to share to. My mentor helped in my previous sharing - but because of his outward directness sometimes, it hurt me a lot - especially when they sound judgmental. My mentor always tried to clarify with me that he is actually understanding what I went through - but the initial assertion that sounded judgmental already hurt my soul. 

I found my counselor helpful because he gave me rooms to think and to decide. And one very important aspect of his counseling: "You know that no matter what you decide, I will still be here for you, to hear what you share, and to articulate. I will give my point of view, but at the pace where you felt most comfortable."

Sometimes, I see that as how I see the Father in heaven. He waits at the door. He knocks. But He never pushes His way through the door. He will wait for reply. If I felt comfortable, He will enter as I welcome. Yes, of course if I choose not to answer, He will be sad, but He knows that choice is for me to decide. He will wait.

Like the prodigal son, it took him humiliation to realize the point that he needs to come back. Yes, it is a sad lesson of someone needing to go through such means in order to wake up, and we often want the things not to go this way in order to be saved - but it is the fact that these people who were once lost and now found to be the joy in heaven. Yes, the grace that is given is scandalous - but it is precisely in this manner that we know of gospel as Good News. Otherwise, will there be salvation for murderers, rapist, swindlers, etc? 

I learned another aspect as an addict. If I don't accept myself as someone who is weak against sexual temptation, I will forever kid myself into thinking I will get well on my own. Sadly, for 10 years or slightly more, I have been instilling discipline not to be tempted - and yet I am still such. Of course, I am still recovering, but I do understand that until I accept that I am weak against sexual temptation, and that I need to trust in people who is together struggling in this issue and willing to let God work through us - in simple and small steps - the recovery will never materialize. Which is true - I read success stories that come after decades of walking through darkness and evil ways before appreciate the light and the joy that comes at the end of the road. Besides, to put it candidly: if I were to have my sexual addiction solved now, what will be of me for the next few decades of life? New problems, new issues? Am I sure I can handle them? Think about it.

Just my sharing. Strange, it comes at a time when I was struggling the most this week, and failed in fighting against the temptation.

[devotion]: my soul waits for God alone

Psalm 62:1-2 (ESV)

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
for him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;
I shall not be greatly shaken. 

_________________________________

When life's difficulties face us, sometimes at moments whereby faults not by us (whether directly or indirectly), who shall be the first to sought after?

God? Or the person who laid his injustice on us?

I have a tempting thought, and I learnt that through years, it is easier to seek the person who wronged us, rather than seeking God to teach the wrong person. Perhaps the fact that we didn't trust God enough to understand His providence caused us to react first before we still before God. Knowing that only God is the true mediator of justice, would we live out our faith to trust in Him?

In the midst of the unfair work given?
In the midst of the unfair pay given?
In the midst of the wrong treatment given, despite the fact that you felt that instruction given were not ethically correct?
In the midst of making the hard decision to do the right thing, especially when you know that the easier solution is progressively bad?

Do we trust God enough?

_________________________________

Psalm 62:8, 10

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

_________________________________

When temptation arise, and attractive goodness comes at the price of others, would you take it?
When you are given more pay at the expense of bleeding the fund (and salary adjustment of your cohort) would you still stay?
When you rise above your senior executive to be his manager, would you shove your leadership role in his face?
When you have a better spiritual track record than a brother who had joined the church since young and yet dabble in sexual addiction, would you judge him?
When your son grow old and start having family and have better pay than the rest of your neighbors, would you take too much pride in him in every dialog you engaged intentionally?

These questions probe deep into our heart filled with sin, every time we face these issues. 
I personally am a culprit of making these decision sinfully, and above all I too have been a hypocrite in indulging in some of these while condemning others.

Putting perspective into proper places, we all sin - and we confess that we have fall short from the glory of God. 
But because of God's mercy, He understood that we are but dust - that's why His mercy endures forever.

But is that the end of the story? No - as we walk in the Lord, so our heart conforms in His likeness.
And the important step of transformation is faith and trust in the walk everyday in His likeness.

_________________________________

I started writing journal, and making effort to read as often as I could, knowing that at least, stepping in faith is the first step towards recovery. My faith has weakened during the earlier part of this year, and I am very sorry for what I have done. 
A few great friends started to communicate more often with me, and I decide to start slow on finding ways towards sexual addiction recovery. My cell group leader told me to take slow step before readying myself into commitment for life-long recovery with him as accountable partners. I really appreciate that.

I still have difficulties in communicating heart matters to my mentor. Felt quite hurt after some stints of judgmental comments from him on my preferences that I felt important as my identity, but I want to ease myself into reconciliation with him. I decide to start with casual talks. And at least some part of our lives still remain intact. He still invites me for writing songs (which is really a big welcome to me). 

I learned from my counselor that small steps and long waits doesn't necessary mean failures in life. Waiting patiently and attentively perhaps is the best exemplary act of faith in Christ. I used to think that until my present age, I don't seem to accomplish things. But recent occurrence taught me the value of 'hard times' and 'perseverance'. The dark night is necessary to appreciate the beauty of light. 

I haven't had a mature vision of life - and I have plenty of decades to stick with (if God allows), but in the meantime, I decide - one step at a time, even though life always come in packages and in crashes. Let the heart be still for a minute, and speak to Him.

Short breath of prayer also to my 2 close friends: one in Thailand, and one who is angry with me because of me breaking promises. I made mistake and I seek forgiveness. But it will take awhile before reconciliation will happen, so I would let God tell the time. As for my other friend, he has been a blessing in Thailand, and learning things there and going to start missionary work for the Muslim kids. Pray for God to show His favor on my friend. Pray for God to also humble his heart to receive Your teaching while he is there.

I wish - one day I could give back my talent in music and in sound engineering to God in places where He wants me... but my heart is burdened with things of vanity... Oh Lord teach me... 
 

[reflection]: the sadness that needed to let go

In life, we may have hold onto things that is not supposed to be there - and we thought those were the only hope that is meant for us.

But as we grew older, and start experiencing things on varying degree, we found out how our old sentiments for certain belonging becomes strangely small and unnecessary.

And it took simple steps of understanding yourself to get to that chapter in life.

----------------------------------

I believe that everyone of us have something that we hold on for so long that we never felt free to let them go. Some things are good, some are bad inherently. But in view with long-term perspective we realized that even the best in life cannot hold on forever.

I was watching 'The Fighter' and I am amazed of the transformation a person can get when he gets out of his addiction in drugs and weeds. From a person in need of crack to a person in deed of fighting for life - the transformation cannot be attributed unless the acknowledgment of something higher than us. A spiritual perspective perhaps shine some light on this transformation.

Dick Eklund has a passion for his brother, Mick Ward, to be the welterweight champion. He trained him despite his inability to concentrate (during his 'high-on-drugs' era) and he kept pushing Mick to the extend of nearly killing him. Unbeknownst to Mick, Dick did this in an act of redeeming himselff. Unfortunately as well, his succumb towards drug couldn't get him on track to redeem his reputation once as 'Lowell's pride and joy; - used to be a middleweight champion.

An experience in prison after committing crime in order to sustain both his crack addiction and Mick's plea to fight on fair account brought to him some sense. However, it was the show on HBO that woke him up to realize the depths of addiction. A memorable scene in which the interviewer asked why Dick took drug brought Dick himself, who was watching it not knowing that the show was actually condemning the use of drug.

"Why do you take crack?" The interviewer behind the scene asked.

"'Cause you know, sometimes when you inhale those energy, you suddenly felt light and much fun. You felt free - even thought it is for a moment. Then when the moment ended, you just feel like taking it again."

The sadness overcome during that moment captured on screen, in front of every viewer at home (including Mick and his mother who were equally overwhelmed by the depths of sadness portrayed) - that screen prompted an act of transformation.

The movie didn't depict the dramas of transforming, but it did chronicled the struggles that Dick had during his imprisonment. His hurt and pain, and sensing a need for a higher power was thematic although not 'in-the-face'.

Towards the end of the movie, the direction is made apparent that it was this transformation that bound the family together, especially when the welcoming was at its most improper moment. Mick was apparently trying to get his brother (Dick) to understand that he didn't want his brother to be the trainer anymore, was actually half-hearted. Despite the lack of discipline in Dick, he acknowledged that much of Mick's success was due to Dick's planning and instructions. 

In a showdown when Mick had the chance to spar with Dick, Mick let it all out and start punching Dick hard enough. Their mom, who were obviously sad to see Mick being violent despite towards his brother, asked. Mick, with all the emotions that was resented towards his inability to rise up above occasion, started lamenting (after all these years, imagine) the frustration that he is the shadow of Dick, who used to be the pride of Lowell. His mom suddenly saw a perspective in him that she had never thought about, and really feel sorry that they had inadvertently used him to fulfill the dream that they wish to achieve in Dick - a pride for Lowell. 

Dick realized the mistakes of how he has treated Mick, and decided for once too, to allow his testimony (despite his bad journey) to show Mick the way to winning.

"You know, Mick, I had the chance, but I blew it. But you are different. You have it, and you should give it all. This is your fight. Let out all the shits that we have gone through for years, and put them on this ring. Don't be like me.

----------------------------------

One of the lesson that I have learnt through years is the power of letting go. When I was younger, letting go seems unrealistic, very immature and very weak.

"You shouldn't let go, you should fight on - until your right stays."

Indeed, when we live through this century, we have seen so many human rights fought through resilience and determination. Abolition of slavery, apartheid, freedom fighters, and several prominent amnesty cases are the examples of 'fight for your right.'

Gradually, though I learned to see these events through a very different lens. Perhaps getting more of the history helped enlighten me and give me another perspective that has dumbfounded even the modern ages freedom fighters.

Slaveries was won not with sheer determination, but also with letting go the ideals of fighting for the case. Wilberforce could not fight it head on, so he had to plan and devise a seemingly innocent trade policies that eventually led towards the ugliness of slavery during the 18th century. Apartheid was won not through strength, but letting go of his right and be with the lower class and the defiled - so that the heart of the rejected was wholesomely understood and complete in Sir Mandela's ideologies. In fact after his release, the first he sought was not an even eye with the whites, but an embrace of forgiveness and reconciliation. Freedom fighters fight their right through peace marches and simple instillation of theologies in propaganda. Read up history on Berlin's Wall fall in order to appreciate the power of prayers.

Letting go here is higher than the immediate 'let-go-of-your-right'. It has surpassed the common understanding of giving up. It meant, "letting go of what you believe should be right, and let the unexpected comes and enlighten."

I watched 2 movies recently that pull the theme of 'losers being the winners'. The mother of a child who choose to stick with his abusive husband and wisely evaluate their incapability to bring up a child, in effect 'let go' of their right for the child, because she knew the stake she had to take. The act of wisdom she brought onto actually transformed his husband to seek permanent help on his alcoholic addiction.,

And in 'The Fighter', it was the drug addict who actually transformed the family and strengthened the bond. By 'letting go' of his pride of thinking he used to be the best, he decided that the only way out of his demon is letting go of himself. His transformation, though not dramatic in this movie, exemplifies the act of redemptive that dumbfounded many critics on the used-to-abhor-Dick-Eklund.

Today, when you read stories on this pair of brothers, you don't see the egoistic fight between them. You see loving brothers, despite their extreme differences. One was a joker and always fool around - but always the outspoken one (Dick) and the other being quiet and temperate (Mick) yet always acknowledged his success to his brother's wisdom. But the love of the two brothers don't come easy. It came at a cost of letting go.

And today, I learnt that lesson. To let go and let God.

Amen.

[quote]: in reminding of a higher purpose

I often remember this quote gotten from an old T-shirt that I bought in Malaysia, while shopping with my dear sister:

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes, it just means you are strong enough to let go."

Sometimes, we hold onto something too strong that we forgot the essence of letting go and let God.

Today, after a day of simple taste of movies (The Fighter and The Terminal - both quite provocative actually), I was thinking about something in life, and realize that I often hold too strong to something, for e.g. an ideology, too strong that when one day I realized that I am actually wrong - it actually felt free-er in me.

Just a thought to remind myself.

[movie reflection]: of parents and myself

Watching 'Dandelion Dust' reminds me of moral conflict - and how in the ends, morality should not be the basis of decision making. 

Morality may win, especially when we are taking an important decision that will affect the well being of the people around us. It is in morality that we decide not to kill each other, rob from each other, steal and malign each other. 

But if it is on the basis of morality alone, we are never able to resolve issues with deep impact of our lives. Perhaps at most, if a person gets off after the liberty given from the moral judgment we think "Well, that's the most moral way we can achieve for him/her."

But a life-changing endeavors always happen when an action is enacted above the moral ethic. 

When Solomon was given a decision to make in order to judge who is the real mother, he had to enact a punishment beyond people's comprehension just so that the real mother, overwhelmed with compassion, turned to mercy as a means against the law. As we know, whatever the King edict was, it is the duty of the servants to obey regardless. But an act above the law, the plead for mercy determined the verdict Solomon wanted to interplay. 

This is the reflection that came into the mind of Wendy Porter when she was deciding whether to give up her child for permanent adoption or continual fight for the right to reclaim the adopted child. 

Since this movie is relatively new, I shall not disclose the storyline here (please try to get this movie if you could. I got it online because of limited release though). 

But the impact that I felt was two great thoughts to take home with. One that left me weeping for joy of freedom, one let me reflect upon my current bondage and how to deal with the emotion.

I learned that the idea of letting go for the best of the one you love is actually the most loving thing to do. It is in giving up that we find ourselves and we obtain a new self. The scene took a twist that initially caught me offguard until I understood the meaning of 'dandelion dust' as the thematic expression of the movie. And it shared its parallelism with God's Son, Jesus. Often we took God's sacrificial love for granted, because we did not seep deep into Jesus' death into our heart - deep enough to understand that despite our failures, God wills Jesus' as our atonement for sins once and for all - especially while we are STILL sinners. The expression of the resilient adopting father was soften by the incredible act of grace by the biological, poor mother. And God allowed that act to be symbolic of His love towards us. It is in analogies (especially in great movies) that we are able to poignantly connect the incredible act of God - even in the midst of pain, trouble and most unlikely circumstances.

The second reflection actually hurt me deep. Seeing a child who is so loved by both real and adopted parents violently shook my notion on my relationship with my parents. While I was in my teenage years, my hatred for my parents were evidently backed by several memories that I considered as scars left embellished in my heart. But as years passed - especially when you are further from parents' supervision and you are very much alone in the vicinity of a crowd - you tend to wish that your parents will not be the same as how they were when I was younger. And truly, things have gotten soften since. Dad has been really weak nowadays, with mental stress level slowly increasing. Not because of children's issue, but rather fearing death. We who have been assured the inheritance in the kingdom of heaven through the single act of belief in Christ cannot appreciate the fear of death as evidently portrayed in people who have yet to believe in God. Mom was still practically narcissistic about my faith and continually criticize the faith for being affiliated to the western, the rich and the wealthy. I felt extremely sad to hear that prosperity gospel first affected my relatives, who used those as an excuse to run their own interests. Adultery, money laundering, divorce, etc. 

The one scene that really moved my heart with regards to my parents was when the adopting rich parents who were not Christian were hushed to embarrassments when the real mother, a transformed poor Christian still struggling to make ends meet even after her rehabilitated husband was freed from prison due to domestic abuse - asserted that money was not the reason why they wanted to reclaim the child. Love was, just that Wendy, the real mother, acknowledged that her husband was not expressing the love well. Of course, the idea was not whether the adopted ones weren't Christian, or that Wendy is a Christian - the idea that Wendy had a higher point of view than the adopting parents sometimes taught me an invaluable lesson about living - we can yearn and want the best for the kid - even to the extend of earning hard to improve the wellbeing, but it is not that this value is the ultimate value inculcated for the child. The child should see the value of love expressed always. Of course, every single one of us are failures in many ways, and we should look beyond trying to get what we think is best for the kid, and give rooms for the child to learn and acquire higher value instead. This is something my parents have yet to inculcate even till now. Every time my parents and I were to have some talks, the priority is always to make sure I am earning more money, getting a good wife, getting a good reputation from my work, and eventually, having a good property and a good environment for the child. Yes, these helps, but I realized that these are not values that children will grow up in being a strong follower of faith in God. Eventually, values of love and self-sacrificial should be what is taught to the children.

Yet, when I think about this, I felt exceedingly sad - realizing that I would not have said that if I were a parent. Because it is natural for parents to want what they want the best for the child. You want toy? I'll buy you. You want food? I'll buy you. I'll buy you everything so that you will be the happiest boy in my life. And I'll be the happiest mother in your life.

It is in this movie that I found the beauty of sacrificial love, and the pain of living it, and the ultimate Safekeeper if we were to will ourselves to sacrifice in order to express the truest form of love. This is a hard question, something that left me with tears just thinking about how to decide if I were a parent, and how easy I would lead myself into if I were to think theologically the right thing to do. Sometimes, we need to experience these hard questions in real life in order to understand the pain of decisions make, instead of trying to talk theologically or ever theoretically the methodologies of living them out in our lives. Simply put, perhaps we need to shut up more and act up more. Action speaks louder than word, no?

-------------------------------------

I recently learned from Mr. Nouwen that writing journal is often a journey to our inner soul, and writing things that may have be neglected the most in our hurriedly busy daily routine. We can trace the strange evocation of tears on very weird moments (like watching a movie that subconsciously stirred your heart) that we might unconsciously be unaware of. These could be moments that poignantly led to the inner window that needs healing. It is in this time that I would like to pen down my thought because of the reverence of the spirit of self-sacrificial love, and the tremendous testimony it gave, despite the fact that the person standing up may have much lower social status compared to the receiving ends. 

May the Lord humble our hearts to receive His mercy, especially when it is needed to convict our heart to repent. 

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

[reflection]: in deep thoughts...

I took leave today and tomorrow to purpose myself thinking about things that I have been doing so far - and also to take a deep breath on things.

And here I am, in Starbucks buying myself a Green Tea Latte Grande in the middle of Bugis, trying to keep sober with work and shopping list.

I saw, in the mail box, how much things that I have owed to my supervisor on the outstanding stuff, and the requirements my clients were looking for. Besides, my iPhone kept reminding me of the schedules that I have in the upcoming days, starting from Saturday. The thoughts that I may have wasted my leave days just doing work related stuff stoked me up that I purposely took my time to Bugis (a Singapore tourist attraction near the central area) and bought some of the 'necessary shirts, pants and belt' for work-related requirement. The thought that I need to elevate myself into a position better than mere jeans and polo T's really got hold me of me.

In the front view of where I am sitting I am observing things around me - a gentleman dropping down his glass of hot mocha perhaps, and everyone looked for a short while before resuming the work. Simple actions, that don't require much attention, and everything's back to normal.

Then it struck in my head.

I am sitting in here, enjoying the drink and trying to savor every bit of this serenity in the midst of my leave day, while knowing that part of the world there are people trying to survive through their lives, whether through natural disasters or by domestical issues, such as civil wars, violence, etc.

And by such a thought I realize how much we all, living in the world of consumerism and individualistic materialism - that we forgot the the means of survival has merely gone into some aesthetically well defined standards without having any essence within the soul of mankind.

Perhaps in the midst of all that we have gone through, we have forgotten the means of survival that grappled with life and death - and so easily we think that 'enough Youtube, Twittering, Facebooking, etc..' will get us past through lives magnificently. Even for the younger ones, blogging and emailing were so 'yesterday'. And the geeks will compete on 'iOS versus Androids' and having thoughts that these younger ones were thinking just like rats in a race. 

I don't know much of what's in the purpose of the events that took places recently, but on a reflective note, doesn't things like this reminds us of the fragility of living? And to make the most of what we have in life - apart from getting what we want?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My struggles with depression that happened for the span of years has taught little about how to survive each day. To be honest, people with depression will often tell you, despite your best effort, a sunny day doesn't make things look nicer and more elegant. And loneliness will not go away despite having friends around us. Perhaps it is with difficulty that people tried to explain the differences in perspective that caused the diagnosed to feel apathetic to what is being told by kind souls. 

I was reading through writings by Henri Nouwen, especially of the journals written during his days at Daybreak L'Arche and that really caused me to wonder about the depths of depression that I have. Looking at such a spiritual guy revealing his depths of sadness and how far he felt striving for living happily that made me repent to dust thinking about my own depression with life. One particular astounding revelation he wrote, though, which really appealed to me as something poignant was his willingness to share about a 'special friend' that caused him to stir despite having recent spiritual encounters with the handicapped, the servants and the bishops. Sometimes, in the deepest desire of us mankind we unconsciously tap into the desire of what God has been drafting the purpose for us all along: We were made for relationship.

Our desire to be in union with people has always been something unavoidable. Despite attempts to make ourselves the 'only one', the fact that we want people to know that we are the only ones is actually telling indirectly our hints that we were once hungry for relationship, but because the relationship fails, we decide not to be hurt again. We do acknowledge the importance of relationship, just that due to the adversities that caused disagreement we decide to attempt on 'lonely-road'. I remembered reading an article that mentioned that those who tried to live a lone ranger will die the most unhappy of all. In media, 'Get Low', a movie acted on this principle with Robert Duvall as the main character, realized the importance of acceptance and thus bringing him back on a redemptive note to Someone - sang throughout the chorus of belonging that so often evades us.

Our media today continually propagate the notion of lone battle on many things. Acquisitions are always emphasized based on sole credit. Depiction of heroes are always 'sole survivor'-s. Advertisements project the product selling onto one particular beautiful artifacts. Even kids' advertisement always show one particular kid standing out because of applying the product selling. Individualism has pushed the boundaries such that educations do not tolerate two or more No. 1's. There's only one Number One. 

To realize this strong perpetuation of individualism on my own life is so easy. My act of writing a blog here now, with my earphone fixated where the pair is supposed to be, plus the fact that I am sharing a table with another stranger who apparently is also oblivious to what we both were doing - it indirectly championed the notion of individualistic approach to attending strangers. Of course, this is not a general stereotype (because he could be reading his papers to be published for serious purposes - imagine what happened if I were to disturb him by saying 'Hi, how are you?' - but the evidence could be swept across the board, even in this Starbuck cafe where I am at.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When Japan was struck with disaster one after the other, to be honest, there's a weird feeling of heartbreak towards the country. It is easy actually to reason the weird connection. Since young (as a 7-year-old boy I remembered), I liked to watch comics from Japan. At that moment, I actually start reading Japan's depiction of American comics (after the era of Marvel Superheroes) - such as Dragonball Z, Slam Dunk and many more. As I aged further, my parents would buy me Super Nintendo games, a manufacturer from Japan also - along with games such as Street Fighter, Fist of Fury and Final Fantasy. These gave me some influences on Japan's technology in me. To this credit (and till this day perhaps) I am still very influenced by the technology derived from Japan (Sony, Pioneer, Audio Technica being the few consumer to pro sound equipment that I will always get my hands on). 

As I aged towards maturity (around young adults year) my first overseas trip apart from Malaysia to Singapore is actually Japan. Thanks to the company that I have been working on previous account, I gain wider exposure on things in Japan. Specifically, the culture there brought me to a stood-still. The friendliness they have, the genuine conformity towards system requirement, and the extreme adherence to ethics and the reason behind these etiquettes were extremely impressive. I used to be an extreme opposition of conformity, until I see the influence of conformity in Japan as something highly substantial and relevant.

In the time when disaster struck, the one thing that impressed the world, despite the casualties is the strong cooperation from citizens and victims (especially victims). Despite the lack of food and drinks - people would still queue up systematically, spaces taken in refuge center were so organized and so nicely divided that no one would take one inch of space more than the other. Elders and children will always be given the priority no matter what - and people will not complain. Yes, in the news there are people who had some discomfort and disagreement with how the things, especially the delay of the aids for those injured - but literally everyone (probably what here would mean were the ones onscreen interviewed) agreed that this is the best that can be done, and they will 'try their best' to maintain composure. Even the emperor was impressed with the cooperation of the victims, after 'being seen by the world'. 

Conformity is also the reason why there are workers who would risk their lives in nuclear plant putting out fire and cooling the reactor. In Chernobyl and Three Miles Island Accidents, perhaps lack of information or knowledge about the extreme risk of radiation stunted their consciousness and thereby proceeded to saving the plant. Of course, there's historical evidence that ultimately people understood the risk and by the time they fled away from the radioactive region, hundreds are affected and died young. But for Japan, these people went through daily routine maintaining the safety of these nuclear plant, being educated well enough especially with the advancement of technology and also the moral learnt throughout history - and still in their conformance to the safety of the community, they stood to ground and decide on their own initiative to put out the fire and cooling down the reactors. Such nobility were hard to come by - if we were to take back the benchmark of individualism. Individualistic approach would then be the reason why radiation would spread further: no one care for others, everyone's concerned for their own safety. Conformity puts people's interest above their own selves. 

I won't elaborate further beyond the point - you draft your own thoughts from what is mentioned above.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I imagine that embracing differences would be the first most requirement of conformity. It may sound contradictory, but I believe they can be complimentary. Conformity is not a blind motion of being same as the rest - but the act where you know that the other person is different from you, yet you strive to understand where they are coming from. Once this understanding is establish, it is easier to think and do like them. This approach is, I believe, the higher notion of conformity that MTV, or even any news network could never propagate.

I imagine Jesus coming to cities in Palestine, where tax collectors and prostitutes were the outcast. They embraced individualistic approach to living because the people around them rejected them. These - hence - were involuntarily individuals taking a lone ranger road. Jesus then invited them into living a communal life with Him, an approach that asked for conformance to His image. And I believe that we are being called to embrace one another, just as how Jesus has embraced us. This too I believe is the actual purpose of conformity. 

In the years where modernization prevails, the idea of conformity has diluted into something weaker, something disproportionate, something laborious. To conform means you have to wear the uniform, eat like the rest, enjoy like the rest, strive like the rest. True, if conformity means that - even I do not want such notion inculcated. But if the notion of conformity is a conformance of higher value - values thought in the fruits of the Spirit and above all what Jesus taught in the Sermon of the Mount - perhaps the beauty of living may come in from there. I imagine regularly what happened if within a garden, every plant decide to grow in a way they want by themselves. The growth will look highly disorganized and many maligned perspective could never be recovered. A garden will look worse off than a forest. But the purpose of embracing the beauty of a garden is the uniformity - despite the different plant. They grow at the same season - with their own pitch at their own pace - to build a nice beautiful garden within that same zone. 

It is in embracing that we found identity in common. Jesus found that when he talked to the Samaritan woman, Zacharreus, Martha, Mary, John, Peter, Nicodemus, Joseph,... even Saul who was later converted to Paul. These people are different, but in the end they embrace the likeness of Christ that is of unity. The conformance into the image of Christ as the ultimate end in walking our faith has purport to us the reason for living.

And we all may live life at different pace different time. Some may have to go through heartache learning things the hard way, some may learn to be attentive and being constantly aware, some are slower in learning, some are extremely sensitive towards changes. Some, as evidently lived by Henri Nouwen himself, lived through depression and his objectifying urges of homosexuality to learn about his weakness and the greatness of Christ. Some, like John Piper and Eugene Peterson, struggled to pen words to encourage holy living. Some, like D. A. Carson and Lee Strobel, like to bring logic and rationality into living for Christ. I can't say for myself, for I am still trying to discover who am I in Christ. I do know, though, that living for Christ calls for living accordance to conforming to His image. This conformity is not something that can be done as a lone ranger. The embrace of community is necessary, whether they are much very different from us or not. Ultimately, we are not called to live on our own desire for Christ. We are to live to desire Christ and His Church. 

My depression hasn't gone over at all. In fact, there are days - despite doing something now that I like (my work now is to do sound processing - which is what I have enjoyed) where I would stare blank into the wall and start crying at myself for being such a stupid guy who had to learn things the hard way in order to realize the wrong direction that I am heading towards. But now at least while reading Henri Nouwen, I could take comfort in thinking that truly, 'every thing happened for a reason, and though we do not know now, we should embrace our journey whether it is our weaknesses and our addiction - such that one day when we truly come before God we can say that we have followed whole-heartedly for Christ - together.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't been writing something optimistic for a while, and I thought that what I have written above sound more optimistic than the previous accounts that I have written since years. But ... well ... I am still learning, no?

[link share]: For the Japanese

A short link share, in which tugged my heart string close.

http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/03/prayers_for_japans_unborn_chil.html

As I am reading this, I am also thinking about the fate of Libya, and the soon-to-be-chaotic Yemen in the Middle East. I do not intend to predict the doom of fate of earth, as many of my peers did back here in Singapore (which brought them to spirituality by the way), but I do want to share the concerns as these are not things new. We have them since earlier times (just on a more frequent basis nowadays), and these should remind us of fragility of life and the inevitability of acknowledgment of things of God.

Take time to reflect upon life, and pray for the people - and above all, not yourselves but God to work through these circumstances in which will transform everyone of us.

Amen.

[short post]: been reflecting, and been thankful

I survived another month, through new work, new insights and new discoveries.

Been realizing the pain of the construction and main contractors work - and most of all, how much these middle class blue-collar people neglected the hard work of the cleaners, the construction workers, the it consultants, the small delegants and most of all the security people.

You all made me realize how small the world I have been living in, and how much I have lost my soul to think about things of materialistic and easy comfort, where for you guys, a day of survival is more than what you can thank God for.

It is things like this that made me shifted my focus away from my issues and start realizing life is more than just 'Ren's life'.

---

Japan felt close to me, probably because of the influence I had since young. So, when there's an earthquake, tsunami and nuclear plant explosion happened concurrently, my heart seemed to ache more than when my own country faces natural tragedies. Somehow there's a sense of connection that I had with Japan more than I had with a lot of countries, including my dream country USA. 

Strange isn't it? Perhaps I met a lot of close friends there who really mattered in my heart, and remembering the 'oba-san and oji-san' there who chatted with me about their lives and their miserable children, and of all my respected advisor Mr. Suzuki and wondering about his nephew in Minamisankri, Miyagi prefecture. Think that life is short - but it doesn't matter whether life is short here on earth - what matters is what is done in the lives of theirs with your presence. 

Anyway, signing off. And... I am quite ashamed to say this, but thanks very much for your prayers. For a few nights, I took back the habit of praying, and felt immensively blessed when visions of several people who I have not met and met for long prayed for me every night thinking what I am doing and how I have become for now. Really felt blessed. And that encouraged me to take back the habit of prayer. Thanks a lot.

[reflection]: remembering the essence to fight for living

[Disclaimer]: This post may be a bit disturbing to read (some parts highly incongruent to the topic, some parts digressing without stating the points) but I found it important to lead people to understand what's in my thoughts, that has been hold captives for decades, and I decide to let go what I shouldn't have kept hidden from people in order to free myself to love people again.

-----------------------------------------------

It has been a difficult journey. And now that I realize that the journey wasn't just for a few months. Rather it should be since I started my belief - conscious or not - for more than a decade.

And I didn't manage to sensitively think in that manner until when I see whatever that I am facing in recent days as a moment of waking up from both good and bad dreams. Funny how life works, I guess.

When I read articles on coming home after a rather condemning journey (being a prodigal son), somehow I felt close reminiscence to my journey as a follower in Christ from a rebelling young teenager to an adult learning to mature from life. And it is both discouraging and heartening at the same time - to see that I only manage to learn things through hard and harsher ways. In one way or another, it seemed quite saddening too - see that I have felt defeated at times - and on the other hand - deeply happy and joyous over triumphant moment where those moments which were meant to weaken my senses turned out to be the moment of alternate glory.

As a young kid - I always dreamed of fighting against injustice, social breakdowns and most of all - pertinent criminals. Shows like Batman and Superman always captivated my heart, not Sesame Streets or High Five - simply because of the strengths these people portray to become the protectors of the city. I recalled a few dramatic episode while still at the age of 5 or so, when I watched one particular chapter remembering Batman was badly overcome by Joker on one particular episode, taking Robin as the hostage. It was quite sad, honestly, when I saw Batman had to take a few shots from the maniac before his last attempt to apprehend Joker. And even still he managed to keep his composure of not killing Joker just because Joker shot him directly. Instead of conforming to 'an eye for an eye' he still kept his integrity as a protector and a justice holder of Gotham city.

Somehow or another, when you are able to see the real life as it is - these notions that showed me the idealistic nature of upholding justice broke down as I grew up. When I was 8 or so, I remembered being bullied in the class. And when I heard that there's a real threat on my life because these bullies hated my whistle-blowing to my parents, I started to isolate myself. Not only the fact that I couldn't take the inconsistency of the world, I couldn't take the fact that my life was in jeopardy because of my inability to make peace of my life. Thus, my journey of fighting for survival takes on from then till now. 

When I started to dedicate my life to follow Christ, I dedicate with a moment to decide that I wanted to get away with these depressive thoughts of not being able to survive each day peacefully. I remembered as I was in middle teen years, that it would be better if I have a God around to ensure that my life was better. Sure enough, during those moments, the juvenile who represented the whole class bullying and attempting to kill me was apprehended by police for attempt murder on another person. Because he was underage at the time of his conviction, he was sent to a home's school. Till this date, I don't know where he is, but there's a possibility that he is around where I used to live back in Malaysia. Nevertheless, things started to get a bit brighter and lighter...

Until when I got into late teens, when I started to like somebody, and I started to discard living a life among bad companies. 

I remembered making a lot of prayers to see her when I was young, only to end up being ridiculed. Class taunted my bad looks, my bad habits and my inability to carry conversations with people around, including teachers. Sometimes, during my sleep on recent days, I would dream back the days when I was bullied - and instead of me standing by the corners being ridiculed, I would step up, with a knife in my hand, and stick it into their bellies - whoever that taunted me. It is too soon to just pull a trigger on a Magnum .38 caliber; it would be better to slowly stick the knife in the belly, and slowly twist the blade. The painful sensation - that's the last you would want to see from the people - to see the final moment of their emotion to savor whichever thought came to them first. I remembered then my next attempt to get another girl - who happened to be acquainted to someone of big character in our school. He wanted her, and so I was warned and told not to bother. Then come next, where I was actually competing with another big shot in the university campus, and another ... and another...

Throughout these times - I realized, whenever I felt shitty after losing myself into the girls, I realized that I will indulge in porn in order to soothe my own discomfort of living. Perhaps these are the moments where you will realize that if you don't get the real deal, why not the imitations? Well, at least they serve their purposes, right? To get what you want...

When porn gets out of control, so is my character in living each day. I remembered that after each disappointment with girls, I would tend to suck myself into the hole of disillusions, instead of praying to dear God for living for strength. I was disappointed with God, yes, but for the wrong reason. I didn't bother to listen to God for His explanation why such and so happened to me. Why was I allowed the scrutiny of teenage years and the gush emotional feelings? Why the strong attraction towards people that I shouldn't be attracted to? I read books (various - even those recommended by close friends that genuinely cared for me) but they don't seem to take off where I wanted to be. Sure I was deeply inspired by them, but at the end of the day, when the emotions kicked in, why didn't I heed the instructions stored in the head?

I looked at my route recently, and I was quite startled with myself. From 14 till 26, I commit the same mistakes that drove me away from God - relationship with girls. And I am very sad to see that it is when I am 26, that I am able to see clearer of myself. It is when I have committed something I know very hard to make a recourse back where I have started, that has repercussions on my living each day. I can't really say that at this present moment I dreaded living, nor can I say that I enjoyed living - but I do know that there's something wrong with myself in recent days that I am not sure what am I fighting for to live.

I learned recently that there are 2 by 2 groups of people in this world in which we may end up becoming: one living for survival, one living to live. The ones who live to survive would not see too far - just ensuring that they can meet up their target each day, set the living to fulfill what they need to achieve for the day, and that's it. As for those who live to live, they will look further, anticipate the moment when their far-sighted goal would be met, and wish for the day that they could be happy towards it.

Of course, there are both good and bad kind of survival; and so is living to live.

The good survival ones thank God each day for the moment that they live today, knowing that this day is given to them as a gift. So they cherish what they have for today, and keep on living for the day, till it ends. And they will end, "Dear Father, thank you for the gift to live today - knowing that it came from you. In Jesus' Name we pray, Amen!". 

The bad survival ones will see that they have so much things need to do for the day, and they will just aim to get through the day, without thinking much about what's ahead, and what could be a possible gift for them. These people may have taken a lot of things for granted, so they would instead wish for something else. A common thought such as, "Oh man, it's Monday... Monday blues!" will ring a bell on a lot of us.

The good living ones, though, will see each day not only as anticipation, but also a will to live in the future. They are either oblivious to the fact that the future may change (in unpredictable ways of course), or that they acknowledge that things will be different. But they have some assurance planned. In contemporary's term, it could mean insurance, saving plans, children's well being, loan payment on residues, stable family relationship, so on and so forth. Inevitably, they know that they have some plans for the future, and they are living now so that they can enjoy to the fullest in the end.

The bad living ones are the those who hate to see the future around. They see loan payment on the rise, recessions, inflation and economic loss as a potential threat to their income. They are constantly worrying for the future of living, and thinking about how to keep safe whatever they have earned. These people will throw pessimism about their income in the future, and the ability of the kids to live apart from them, always trying to plan up several more 'contingency plans' in order to have 'some back up plans'. Pathetic, isn't it?

I think all of us have all 4 parts in us whenever we handle things in life. We may be either short-sighted or far-sighted, and on each circumstances we could view things optimistically or pessimistically. Whichever it leads, all we are trying to do is to analyze a situation, and see how that situation fits into our life - which either of the 4 will come in.

From this analysis, I am trying to draft something simple to see as I look as my own struggles in living. And unfortunately, I realized that I have exhibited the pessimism too much that in the end, I got suck up of life and at times attempted to run away from all the responsibilities that I have. And that perhaps explained why I am so engulfed with things in my head, and couldn't get out of life properly.

I remembered sitting in a corner of my counselor's room one day during the session of me feeling as if God has ridiculed my life by tempting me to be attracted to someone forbidden. The counselor managed to console me and to remind me that God will never tempt me. The idea sticks for a while, but it lost its grip when in the end I managed to get into a relationship none the less. I wouldn't want to comment on the relationship, because unless I felt safe enough to confide to people I know close enough to love me and not to condemn me (although they can objectively judge for me) - I will stick to just briefly let you guys know that I am having a tough time with my current relationship. Anyway, it somehow is difficult to reconcile the console to my already pessimistic perspective about my daily living (survival) and my future living (live to live). 

-----------------------------------------------

I remembered watching torn characters in movie, and they broke my heart very much - not because of their ability to act in such a convincing way, but rather my ability connect with them despite our geographical distance.

I remembered JCVD (Jean Claude Van-Damme) in his self-titled movie - in which there's a shot on a supposed monologue on his remorse of living like a superstar without having a deep thought of living in highest fulfillment. His confession somehow made me recollect all the bad memories of trying to earn my way up to live, in which in the end I lost my grip of living, and thought of suicidal came in so strong that I have to engage a counselor to bring me back to life. 

I remembered Walter Garber in The Taking of Pelham 123, in which during his discourse with the terrorist Ryder, apparently he earned respect from the terrorist himself after confessing his decision to take a bribe from a Japanese supplier instead of a Canadian supplier on subway train just because of his opinion that Japanese provided a better train and his urgent needs to provide both his children for college fees. The world's extremism doesn't allow him, a black guy, to have a better life because of one mistake in order to survive. Ryder, however, thought that Mr. Garber was short-changed because he was thinking for the wellbeing of the subway HQ. It may not have rung any bell to a lot of people, but such statement accurately defines the system of justice that we all know in this world. When a person had to commit some civil crime in order to survive, we didn't pardon these people with one-time-off grace. We tell them that 'This is what's gonna happen for those who defies the common law of justice'.

I think there are plenty characters that has walked through with me for years whenever I think about movies that broke my heart and renewed my strength, and occasionally I would chronicled my reflections in them. Some of them are nostalgic to review, some are quite difficult to read because of the emotions invested, but most of them are at that time revealing on what I was thinking. Now that I think back, I learned that these characters sometimes speak of something that is very close in my heart... a will to connect my brokenness.

I looked at my days from my early teen years till my late young adult years - nothing has been changed. My attempt to live a good and peaceful life continued to be a struggling commitment to keep. All these years, the will to live the way I was subscribed to - honor your friends and your parents, respect the congregations, do not murder, do not be angry, keep to your principles of living, do not cheat, do not smoke - all the common law of being a Christian - I have tried as much to keep them - and failed at many times. Last year, due to work stress and my inability to come to terms with being single, I decided to take up smoking, and yet it was for a while before I realized it badly affected my health. Also around the same time, because of my consistent porn viewing - I had premarital sex with a good friend that has now became the cause of the end of our friendship. And that hasn't stopped - and I am living each day feeling guilty for not being able to take away the guilt, especially when I know that when I hear close friends tell me, "See? That's what I told you. You're not ready for relationship, for goodness' sake!". 

I slept each night thinking whether have I become better after all these years, and yet nothing has changed. My inconsistency towards fighting against sin still falters, and I am still not comfortable to talking to various people of my journey, including my parents, my siblings, my girlfriend, and my close buddies. I kept a lot of thoughts within me, because to me those are the only cherished assets that I felt I have - a mind of my own. But even so, this mind of my own, I would rather throw them off. Its filth and dirt was too much to handle and that I have gradually realized how much I have not grown. 

There are times when I wish in my journey that I have grown wiser, and learned not to dwell in them anymore. Well, to be honest, I found out that there's no point in trying to keep everything for yourself, and think that you are the only person in this world living - so I decide to learn to mingle around with people without judging them, letting them be who they are. And that gave me a lot more room of other people-ness, than me-ness. And I started to learn to embrace them more. In addition, knowing the guilt that I have because of the sexual indulgence, I have stopped watching porn for a month (which is a major feat for me, knowing that I have yet to do it in several years) though I still have the temptation to look at them once in a while. I learned to treat my girlfriend better, and though at this point of time there's conflict between us, I have learned to let her have her room to discover herself, instead of me expecting a lot from her. So is the same with my parents - in the past I would get very upset when my parents wanted me to quit music and do business-management related courses. Now, though I won't do business-management, I decide to listen to them, and slowly engaging them into what I have in mind that could come as a compromising factor with them. I know what they will say behind my back, but I decide that they could say all they want - in the end, actions speak louder than words. Whether will I stay faithful to them - that will speak for itself towards the end. 

But I cannot speak for my faith. I agree that my relationship with my Father was never consistent, and in this time, I can't help but saying that the prayers I have with him are very monologue - and mainly of my rants towards him. However, there were days when I would just sit down, being silent, and feel extremely grateful that despite my mistakes and above all, my consistent decision to deride and disobey him, He still gives me a chance to live another day. To many people, this could be taken for granted - but for me, knowing how much He has loved me - and yet I defied Him and disobeyed Him, I find it extremely comforting that He is giving me a second chance to live, and that He wants me to grow closer, not further from Him.

Whenever I think back at the essence of the Prodigal son, I realize that the story of the younger brother specifically ends on the recital of his repentance, but incomplete. The heart is all that matters, many contemporary philosopher would agree - but I won't. It is not the heart only that makes the difference. It is the will to make the heart heed that matters. Every night I would sleep in my bed, hoping that things will be better - but if I don't make something out, then it is better than doing nothing. But the story didn't end at the part where the son makes his attempt for repentance. His Father is the central character of this story: He ran after the son. Our Father is willing to come to help the younger son who wants to be better. But the focus has to shift from the son to the Father, not on the son that wants to be better. Yes, the younger son is deciding to repent, but it is the Father that wills the repentance to succeed. 

I look at my life as such. My difficult relationship with my girlfriend is something I find needs amendment. I have made some decisions that I will only share at extreme private discretion, but the point is to make a big leap of faith. I have made some decisions on committing in a group of Christian friends that I will find helpful in making a leap forward, and that might mean leaving some behind, and committing to a new one. But the journey that I leave behind - will not be immediate. It may take a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade... but I want to make a start. I want to start living better, and not hiding anymore. 

But... where will that takes me?

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Father,
I hope you hear what I say above. I hope I can give you my life in all for you again. But I am weak in making my decision. So, Father, help me. I acknowledge, my willpower is weak, and I am afraid to make decisions. So, I pray that you will guide me. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.