Dear Readers,
I felt a strong sense of urgency in addressing this matter at hand, yet on the same time still would like to retain a part of what remains the hidden truth declaring my own self, despite the farce that I usually put up declaring that I am alright.
A year ago, in the humble room of St. Ignatius retreat centre in Farrer Road Singapore, I had a tumultuous night struggling about my commitment for spiritual upheaval. Walking along the dark alley around the neighborhood right outside the church I was perplexed by the complexity of my thought even though the surroundings appear serene and calm. Inside each resident place I could see happy family with most of them gluing over the TV in front.
Such serenity. Such difference compared to what I felt inside.
I was still reminiscing the days when my 2nd girlfriend was still with me. Sadly, the only happy memories I have with her were the first 2 weeks, followed by several nights of love making. It was a hard decision to let go eventually, but it was a difficult decision. I remembered the last moment of our leaving, I made it clear and very lifeless attempt to reject her continual request to fix the relationship. It was a hard decision but I know that I have found someone better.
2 years later after that decision was made, I look at the cross on top of the the building in front while outside, nearby the residential area - and I wondered - why does this right decision feels so wrong?
The whole night I walked around the residence, there's nothing else that struck me more than the decision, and perhaps for the first time I realized how much I have lost to the battle of physical attraction (purely lustrous thought) by myself. I told myself that unless a great deed of accountability can be unashamedly rekindled, there's no way of recovery at all at my attempt to flee from sexual immorality. There is no other way. And this epiphany struck to me last year on 17 July 2013.
Indeed. Yet, what have I done from last year till today? If I were to look at the journey, there was nothing short of disappointments after disappointments along the way. My thoughts were mainly focused on career advancement and doing well for the family. Yet the more I contributed to the career advancement the more disappointments fall into my direction. Eventually, due to lethargy, I decide to move on and quit the job that builds my reputation as an assistant manager and downgraded myself to learn new things as an application engineer in a field I thought closer to my heart: sound.
And again after many attempts, I am constantly reminded of my mistakes. This decision is hard - yet in retrospect I felt it is a wrong decision. A pay cut of SGD 1000, plus it seems this current management looked to me as if I was an ex-old company-that-doesn't-know-anything-about-sound. They made me feel inferior too often and took a stronger abuse in my character.
In addition, my constant reminiscence over my ex-girlfriend took a turn towards physical touch so often that in order to avoid, I either took to masturbation or to escorts to release. In each of these turns, more and more struggles start to compound, especially when I am already not earning enough, and money becomes more and more an urgent and practical problems in my decision making.
Many thoughts came to me. Was it because of that first moment I met that girl, that starts to make all these decisions fall into place, slowly consuming me and eventually destroying me? Was it because of compounding efforts of exterminating my addiction to sex that cause me to killing myself slowly with indecisiveness that led to my now-eventual mistakes in life?
I don't know. But I do read about Shusaku Endo's 'The Girl I Left Behind' with so much strong conviction. It is through this reading that I told myself, come what may, I need to get accountability. Yet after so many attempts I still make the same mistakes. Would there be a light in this this prodigal path of mine?
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Phantom of the past
It's a hard night.
Dream of meeting up with her and her husband scarred my night. Worst it was a dream of me and my other half met her on a train. Strangely my ex approaches me like it was a long lost friendship.
Bittersweet. Yet, sadness engulfed me.
Why did it come at a time when I'm deciding to move on and planning for marriage?
Thursday, June 26, 2014
[reflection]: a deep reading on modern work culture
A heavy read after a lunch time really woke me up a lot in the sense.
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For Forty-Four Hour Workweek)
Food for thought indeed. Am I already accustomed myself to this culture that I, too, am influenced by the consumerism culture induced due to the work place?
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For Forty-Four Hour Workweek)
Food for thought indeed. Am I already accustomed myself to this culture that I, too, am influenced by the consumerism culture induced due to the work place?
[short note]: probably a disappointing day
probably, it is a disappointing day.
and after so much trespasses, this has come to pass. i thought of it merciful though.
but really. the night didn't end well. the feedback was hard. and the phone conversation was hard to absorb the hostility.
it could be just me in the end. but i felt, helpless. truly, i did something really wrong on this.
and after so much trespasses, this has come to pass. i thought of it merciful though.
but really. the night didn't end well. the feedback was hard. and the phone conversation was hard to absorb the hostility.
it could be just me in the end. but i felt, helpless. truly, i did something really wrong on this.
Friday, June 20, 2014
[short note]: my most treasured friendship with colleagues of SPECTRUM
I thank these fighters from SPECTRUM. Their dedication has meant a lot as engineers for our specialist group. And I thank Ilham, for all of his efforts for the company and the people around him. His occasional inside jokes really cracked us up, and his matured insights when we discussed important issues at work. I commemorate him for his last day today in SPECTRUM. On 30th June, it would be my last for SPECTRUM. Tonight perhaps is the most treasured memory I had for years.
Above all, through thick and thin, I believe we have grown more in this company - perhaps more than many of the other department staff. I am proud to have known you all.
From Left: Ifraq, myself, Don, Ilham (today's his last day), Jenny, Arvin, Ramesh, Peng Yee (he has left us a month ago), Ramil
Above all, through thick and thin, I believe we have grown more in this company - perhaps more than many of the other department staff. I am proud to have known you all.
From Left: Ifraq, myself, Don, Ilham (today's his last day), Jenny, Arvin, Ramesh, Peng Yee (he has left us a month ago), Ramil
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
[short note]: don't look back in anger
In all circumstances, you can remain angry for valid and righteous reasons.
But after all that comes and go, learn from it and move on.
Don't let the memory enslaves you and binds you to punishments.
Usually we let the already weakened enemy gained the foothold too easily.
Don't look back in anger. Whatever hurt, sorrow, regrets you have,
If ever willing, let those be chapters of the book called 'Lifelong Learning'.
So after knowing and learning from your mistakes, move on,
Let go and be a better, wiser man.
~ humming the tune of Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis, strangely after a difficult day at work at a church and another an education institutions. Sometimes, it is those places that really split your mind open to see much more.
But after all that comes and go, learn from it and move on.
Don't let the memory enslaves you and binds you to punishments.
Usually we let the already weakened enemy gained the foothold too easily.
Don't look back in anger. Whatever hurt, sorrow, regrets you have,
If ever willing, let those be chapters of the book called 'Lifelong Learning'.
So after knowing and learning from your mistakes, move on,
Let go and be a better, wiser man.
~ humming the tune of Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis, strangely after a difficult day at work at a church and another an education institutions. Sometimes, it is those places that really split your mind open to see much more.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
[reflection]: to come back to where i belong
Several years back, I made the decision to leave a job relevant to my education achievement in pursuit for something meaningful to what I always believe in achieving. When I come to a company relatively new in the industry of professional sound, I was being told of the path of applications for various disciplines in order to get there. In the midst of going through this journey, I met too many setbacks to describe them within a post. Nevertheless, to look back, I have gained much perspective and decide not to make the same decision to pursue my interest again, and decide to find my path back to security.
I find it difficult though, now that I am at the same crossroad again. Yes, many have commented about my stupendous courage to leave behind a job that has begun to bear fruit in management and resource allocation. Some good ol' colleagues, to whom I felt great affinity to, happened to change their attitudes towards me just because of my recent promotion. I felt like the wild booming flower in a huge jungle at times.
In addition, the scope of work given to me doesn't seem to justify anymore the interest that I used to pursue. The more I tried to force my agenda to it, the more lethargic I am, and in the end, the more value I sacrificed, in the name of interest. Which I now realized I am actually blinded by the pursuit of the dream. In the end, I didn't achieve much of it. The dream, anyway, is half-baked. To be the best sound engineer in the company, which theoretically, is not actually a sound engineer. It is an application engineer who happened to be familiar with sound installation from the surface level.
Now that I have already served 3 months of my notice, many thoughts came in. The biggest in question is actually the job application. So far, I have only gotten one that told me that they want me but negotiating on price package. The manager who interviewed me has warned me of the possibility of salary reduction to almost $1000 as I am considered new in this trade. The other consideration would be that this is a line extremely stream-lined in audio (Harman distributor in Singapore - Mahajak SKM). A cross-border company that has a lot of history of professional audio distribution. My role is mainly pre-sales and advisory to post-sales. Lots of consideration as well on workload, though my manager has told me that it is definitely way better than when I am in my present company (several weekends burned, almost 80% for the previous 2 years).
I grew accustomed into thinking as we move to other companies, we tend to also grow in convenience and money security, since this is indoctrinated by secular culture. I was also conflicted by the interest to pursue this interest in sound more - yet at a salary package that is lower than expected.
While in the shower, I gather a lot of thoughts about life and what I have been doing, and one prominent thought came to me. As my salary increased, my sense towards life for what matters most tend to nullify, and my fleshly desire were strongly tempted. Like David enticed by Bathsheba in voyeuristic endeavors, I had my fair shares of indulgence and getting away thinking that I can earn it back easily. In that chain of thought, I count this job as a good starting point of humility. A pursuit in interest, along with a starting point to humility.
I do hope that when the call comes next week to discuss about the package, the money becomes the secondary concern. The main concern I would imagine is the consistency of character to uplift the spirit of Christ-likeness in the market place.
I find it difficult though, now that I am at the same crossroad again. Yes, many have commented about my stupendous courage to leave behind a job that has begun to bear fruit in management and resource allocation. Some good ol' colleagues, to whom I felt great affinity to, happened to change their attitudes towards me just because of my recent promotion. I felt like the wild booming flower in a huge jungle at times.
In addition, the scope of work given to me doesn't seem to justify anymore the interest that I used to pursue. The more I tried to force my agenda to it, the more lethargic I am, and in the end, the more value I sacrificed, in the name of interest. Which I now realized I am actually blinded by the pursuit of the dream. In the end, I didn't achieve much of it. The dream, anyway, is half-baked. To be the best sound engineer in the company, which theoretically, is not actually a sound engineer. It is an application engineer who happened to be familiar with sound installation from the surface level.
Now that I have already served 3 months of my notice, many thoughts came in. The biggest in question is actually the job application. So far, I have only gotten one that told me that they want me but negotiating on price package. The manager who interviewed me has warned me of the possibility of salary reduction to almost $1000 as I am considered new in this trade. The other consideration would be that this is a line extremely stream-lined in audio (Harman distributor in Singapore - Mahajak SKM). A cross-border company that has a lot of history of professional audio distribution. My role is mainly pre-sales and advisory to post-sales. Lots of consideration as well on workload, though my manager has told me that it is definitely way better than when I am in my present company (several weekends burned, almost 80% for the previous 2 years).
I grew accustomed into thinking as we move to other companies, we tend to also grow in convenience and money security, since this is indoctrinated by secular culture. I was also conflicted by the interest to pursue this interest in sound more - yet at a salary package that is lower than expected.
While in the shower, I gather a lot of thoughts about life and what I have been doing, and one prominent thought came to me. As my salary increased, my sense towards life for what matters most tend to nullify, and my fleshly desire were strongly tempted. Like David enticed by Bathsheba in voyeuristic endeavors, I had my fair shares of indulgence and getting away thinking that I can earn it back easily. In that chain of thought, I count this job as a good starting point of humility. A pursuit in interest, along with a starting point to humility.
I do hope that when the call comes next week to discuss about the package, the money becomes the secondary concern. The main concern I would imagine is the consistency of character to uplift the spirit of Christ-likeness in the market place.
Friday, April 18, 2014
[reflection]: Good Friday, Good conversation
In hard days, you kept wondering about life and whatever that you have done that helped you to sustain, and you often think about them as losing battles, especially when depression starts kicking in. In those lonely days, I may have perhaps contemplated a few options: to either ignore those depressions and start doing things that is totally against my conscience and inner heart so that I can be numb of the feelings, or that I would hide inner thoughts and reflections, seal them in a journal (something like what I would write on this blog site) and let the next day be a brand new day.
Most of the time I doubt its effect on healing for the later option, but it seems to me the most feasible options that will at least attend to my conscience. I don't usually voice out even at times when the thoughts became too heavy and too much for an individual to take over. So over the years I would absorb those impact, in a self-sacrificing attempt - and imagine in my own world a place where heroes exist to take my burdens away.
Today, after those long years, I was very much liberated to have that opportunity of having someone hearing me and take the impact head-on, listen attentively and tells me that I am of value, especially my thoughts and my deeds - unadulterated. I am glad for friendship like this, and I feel exceptionally sad that this friendship is often misunderstood in our secular world as 'agenda-based'. It is not in the case of mine, because I believe the listening party deliberately take his time to listen. Thus, both of us learned the art of friendship through such conversation and how one lifted up another person through listening.
A lunch conversation over after a church service doesn't mean a lot, but it meant the world to me. It may go somewhere, but it is the honesty that I have tried to project on for years (which the workplace failed me many times) that allowed the vulnerability to be worked upon with grace and mercy. And it reminded me of the Good News, which is the end of the purpose for the Good Friday.
I thank God, for such revelation of the purposes of years of me taking in those contemplation and hurtful thoughts - to find beauty in uplifting the worship team and to give them my feedback. The years when I felt so lost and strayed - to have find its purposes after 7 years of keeping silence - and to have one person who is willing to listen and look into the option of growing people - I cannot believe that it is the intention of us individual that makes this happen. It is the intention of God, through Jesus' sacrifice - that allow even the grimiest part of life to end up being part of the beautiful portrait of the Body of Christ.
Thank You. Thank You.
Most of the time I doubt its effect on healing for the later option, but it seems to me the most feasible options that will at least attend to my conscience. I don't usually voice out even at times when the thoughts became too heavy and too much for an individual to take over. So over the years I would absorb those impact, in a self-sacrificing attempt - and imagine in my own world a place where heroes exist to take my burdens away.
Today, after those long years, I was very much liberated to have that opportunity of having someone hearing me and take the impact head-on, listen attentively and tells me that I am of value, especially my thoughts and my deeds - unadulterated. I am glad for friendship like this, and I feel exceptionally sad that this friendship is often misunderstood in our secular world as 'agenda-based'. It is not in the case of mine, because I believe the listening party deliberately take his time to listen. Thus, both of us learned the art of friendship through such conversation and how one lifted up another person through listening.
A lunch conversation over after a church service doesn't mean a lot, but it meant the world to me. It may go somewhere, but it is the honesty that I have tried to project on for years (which the workplace failed me many times) that allowed the vulnerability to be worked upon with grace and mercy. And it reminded me of the Good News, which is the end of the purpose for the Good Friday.
I thank God, for such revelation of the purposes of years of me taking in those contemplation and hurtful thoughts - to find beauty in uplifting the worship team and to give them my feedback. The years when I felt so lost and strayed - to have find its purposes after 7 years of keeping silence - and to have one person who is willing to listen and look into the option of growing people - I cannot believe that it is the intention of us individual that makes this happen. It is the intention of God, through Jesus' sacrifice - that allow even the grimiest part of life to end up being part of the beautiful portrait of the Body of Christ.
Thank You. Thank You.
Convicting Good Friday
It's already heart wrenching to watch a snapshot of The Passion of Christ, of which he is nailed to the cross.
It's even more convicting to see human trafficking and the poor in Singapore amplified through the AV and I saw it up front.
My heart was crying. Not just because of social justice. But because I was part of the problem. The demand for gratifying my own selfish desire.
My humanity has fallen. My sinfulness exposed. And Jesus took that in the cross. And He said, 'Forgive them... For they do not know what they are doing'.
Father. Thank you for the cross. Thank you.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
[mobile share] : where do I stand?
As slowly one by one tenders, it is as if the settings in the company changed drastically. Hard to reason, but when management acting as if all gods forsake the earthlings, the earthlings decide that there's nothing worth fighting anymore. One by one they leave, without even bother fighting.
I asked my own weakened self, after years of hard labour, what do I gain? Where do I stand?
My heart is burdened with thoughts of nothingness and meaningless even though my heart still pledge allegiance for God. Yet, my heart, however will it be, is still yet to resolve in reconciliation with the work of the Spirit.
Would there be way out?
Sunday, February 23, 2014
[reflection & music]: we, the corrupt
[Disclaimer: This blog post is long and non-evasive. There are some that can be quite graphic, so please maintain a heart of peace throughout. Apply your own reflection while reading this. Most important, seek understanding from the understanding of the Word of God before applying judgment. Deeply sorry if this blog post intent becomes condemnation to all of us, but I think we deserve a looking glass reflecting back at us at times. Thank you]
Whilst it is hard to imagine for the majority that lives in this present generation (except though for those who are at the brink of their lives, be it of health circumstances or wartime), we live in days when our hypocrisy is the biggest enemy that taints our innocence into the worst kind of humanity ever grown.
I may sound dramatic, but in our everyday life we would have noticed that many of us did it in the most unconscious manner, demanding that the priority be seen from our own angles. The 'self-righteous, self-right' motto. It is sad, therefore, to think that we have fallen so deep into the wells of darkness that we think we are elevated as the sons of man.
I went alone in the darkness, with my guitar and my near lethargy at the park nearby my house, along with my guitar, preparing to write a song that came into my mind after witnessing a few events at home. Firstly I spent most of the time yesterday watching anime (Ghost in the Shell OVA 2: Innocence and Black Lagoon OVA: Roberta's Blood Trail) while working on a project for a colleague who is suffering due to a bad rapport from client that complains about his performance without investigating the situation thoroughly. In addition, I was helping out with another colleague onsite as he is facing issues with project management & technical installation at the same time. It is a miracle that most of the issues that was solved was remote but the major important issues have to be left behind because it is beyond our capacities. Yet, with the contempt from our clients, we were blamed as a company for our failure in delivering the quality rendered despite paying us with a rather low service rate.
I remembered my trip back home last week to Malaysia, and I was deeply appalled by what my mom related to me about her younger sister's insistence on 'as-a-customer's-point-of-view' remark for a re-used product that my mom has kindly sacrificed to give my aunt 'for the sake of her health'. I often wondered if all these remarks of insistence that 'I-have-my-right' has gone far too much and too dangerous. We can ignore friendships, kinship, or even intimate relationships - for the sake of our own rights.
Looking through the lense of a global perspective, you would find this phenomenon too easy to detect. Propaganda of protests in Thailand because 'we have our rights to voice our angers to current Red Regime represented by the government instituted by Yingluck for her abuse of authority to trade rice with China at a certain amount of quotation - which is supposed to be given to our fellow countrymen' - and what would happen half a decade down the road? Doesn't this come from the initial 'corrupt elitist' from the Yellow Regime that forgets about the farmers and the low-income and made them deprived of privileges? How about the Ukraine Revolution, that insists that the present Ukraine government is hellbent between the Western's arms influence to stop the rebels and the still-Communist-conscious ex-Soviet Union Russia, of which Putin, the present leader insists on supporting Ukraine while silently feed the rebels with thoughts of reunification and subsequently subduing the forces of the Allies? There's too many to list down, of which dryness of context can deviate us of our present attention, but what of these? What can these incidents bring us to reflection?
I have learned, in my own hardship, that we as human, we like to insist our rights because we demand to be heard. If that cannot be done, we would usually retaliate in many forms in order to get the message across and get what we want eventually. For example, in my trade, if the schedule couldn't be met in time, we would, in many ways try to send in a request of complaints to the management so that more resources can be allocated to solve the problem, and also add in our new requests as if those are specified in the initial contract? In other trades perhaps, there will be competition between department within the same company of which one will insist that the scope of work to be pushed over to the other parties to ease the burden and 'get to go back home by 5 pm to do my own thing, which is usually lazing in the couch and watch senseless show to get my mind off the work'. I may have stereotypically described our way of lives, but the general consensus is there, provided that we asked ourselves genuinely looking through the reflecting glass.
Where are we in our own journey of life? Enjoying a pleasant cup of tea by the balcony of our house overlooking the garden below, with maids that earned a quarter (or a tenth even) of our salaries waking up early in the morning to accompany sick old geezers who could only drool due to the Alzheimer's disease contracted as they aged? Or we are struggling to meet with our needs for new gadgets while window shopping in a luxury IT store while we have geniuses several years younger than us staying at a house barely the size of our own bedroom - looking a piece of wooden old toy and let the imagination role as if it can do more than what we want from the display gadget in that same IT store? Do we play card games and gambling tiles, akin to Mahjong, with our fellow aunts and uncles in a comfortable living room well subsidized by the government complaining about the same government for their insistence of increasing the taxes, services and transportation fees as if we are the losing end? How about people who walk miles daily to look for food to survive daily, who though complained about government once in a while, were glad for providence for low-income policies that will aid them to get by each day?
We have forgotten the fact that it is we, the well-to-do, that needs to reflect about the providence of things that we have. Instead, we stock up weapons of 'condemnations' in the form of lips and tongues, and so threaten so many along the way. What a way to exert superiority! What of us?
If we were ever dare to reflect and ask ourselves what have we become, then I would suppose with this we would realize the depth of corrupt we have landed ourselves into. We, therefore, are the corrupt.
As I play a tune at the park nearby, a tone familiar while I was way younger touched the inner soul in me. It was grace that awakes in me. The gentle tone starts with an E minor. A tune I have long forgotten, that goes as simple as this:
"As I walk through the breeze
Of high 'n mighty against those geez'
I often wonder what's left for me
When mercies dropped with piles of shit.
Dressed in brands, talks became cheap,
Promises I told them that I would keep.
Yet in my heart, I called them all weak,
As my soul feeds from all their needs.
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life of mine?
By talking cheap, we became hypocrite,
Bureaucrats, corporate or relationships,
All the same, be it anger or gentle,
That says, "I'm right, and no one else!"
Did it ever occur to you that while we live,
While we selfishly do as we please,
By standing on our feets, assuming our rights,
And kill those forever lost in their fights?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life of mine?
[Guitar extended solo]
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life...
I'm the corrupt, I'm the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I'm the corrupt, I'm the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
I'm also fighting for my right, and now I have nowhere left to hide.
With this sad song I told myself, how far have I gone into - the life of a corrupt, and hellbent, and in darkness I found myself not being able to hide from the shame and guilt anymore.
For the longest time I cried tearless in the park, with myself and my guitar, to think how shameful I have become. I, who think I am safe in the hands of God, find myself a corrupt. Walking away, enjoying little delicacies such as manager, good salary, great sound system, good PC and gadgets, a wonderful girlfriend and her family - forgot where I was before, a hypocrite in a campus, with everything lost: a girl, my studies, friendships, all alone in a dark cold room in the tallest building in my campus on the fateful 2007. Just when I was overlooking the scenes of the school, how could I ever forget the gentle hands of the Soul who first touched my heart with the plea, "It's okay, you are safe with me."
It may end up being a prodigal story, but where is my heart? Where is the stone cold heart of mine? Where has it gone to? To see the corrupt, and to enjoy being dumped into the same group with those who think that they are right as a customer? The moment I remembered seeing my mom's tears of being 'bullied' because of her sister's insistence on her right, I let down my guards.
Why do we have people that think that they are right? Why do I keep thinking that I have my rights to get this and that? Why do I keep thinking of having an easy way out by staying low and enough to get by? Why don't I stop and reflect about how much I would have learned to be a better person have I not succumb to the temptation of 'being right?" Why?
I remembered Jesus' admonition during His Sermon of the Mount. To proclaim that even by hating them in the heart you would have killed them in their soul is a harsh admonishment as a religious commandment, but I began to see much more truth in it. Because we insist on our rights, we forget about other people and we kept thinking that it is to us, the privileged, the elitist, the higher social class, that deserves the attention. Those lives by the streets shall eat their dirts with shame because they didn't fight for their lives. We do.
Or did we? Study comfortably in the study room, while occasionally peek through the comics - and despite getting good grades you called that fighting for your life? Has it ever occurred to you that thanks to the corruption of the world, we are privileged to even have a school, let alone air-conditioned and with iPads running around to enhance teaching while on the other side of the same region, people struggled hard to even feed their own bodies with food while fighting to come to school. School as rotten as a body left on the street for days. And they would say, "How wonderful it is to come to school?" while we have children complaining on coming to school, because "we want to play PS4 with Tomb Raider on it".
I am sad. Not because I have seen the corruption of the world and feel sympathy for it. Not because I witness accounts of friends who are corrupt in their conduct and try their means to cheat the equally corrupt for privileges and tax rebates. Not because of seeing their children fighting for their rights to play XBox One. Not because of my aunt's insistence for demanding her rights as a customer despite having blood relationship with my mom. Not because of the nasty customer who thinks that he is right to insist that he must have the best of service in our industry for the price of a tenth of that. Not because despite all that my management insist that we clean up the mess for not being able to deliver the luxurious quality of service despite paying peanuts.
I am sad, because I, too, am the corrupt. I too am the one sitting on the bench each day, watching shows shamelessly thinking that I deserve a right, after a hard day's work, to sit and relax and not having a care of the world, even though people out there is fighting. I don't give it much a thought when there are charities running across the streets hoping us to support the Philippines, the Thais and other countries for their causes, despite naively thinking that their causes will all proceeds to these poor souls. In the weakened sense of justice, I lamely excuse myself from donating because I tried to justify by wanting explanation on how these funds will go actually, where usually processes and filters from bureaucrats will take almost 90% of the money. And thanks to these, our poor souls in other countries get only 10% of the donations to be fed to perhaps millions of them.
I am sad, because I think that I am high and mighty, that I think I am incorruptible. In actual fact, this song unmask me and proclaim me evenly guilty for being a corrupt.
Yes, that's who I am. And for reflection, I suggest you to listen to this song, with equal contemplation from your end, to look into yourself and see if there's any living parts of you that is justifiable. Of course, apart from my singing tune - which is bad. But listen to the song as a person who see someone, drenched with guilt, full of awful stench, begging to be heard. And please, listen with an open heart.
I, The Corrupt - Guitar & Vocal by Ren Kang
Whilst it is hard to imagine for the majority that lives in this present generation (except though for those who are at the brink of their lives, be it of health circumstances or wartime), we live in days when our hypocrisy is the biggest enemy that taints our innocence into the worst kind of humanity ever grown.
I may sound dramatic, but in our everyday life we would have noticed that many of us did it in the most unconscious manner, demanding that the priority be seen from our own angles. The 'self-righteous, self-right' motto. It is sad, therefore, to think that we have fallen so deep into the wells of darkness that we think we are elevated as the sons of man.
I went alone in the darkness, with my guitar and my near lethargy at the park nearby my house, along with my guitar, preparing to write a song that came into my mind after witnessing a few events at home. Firstly I spent most of the time yesterday watching anime (Ghost in the Shell OVA 2: Innocence and Black Lagoon OVA: Roberta's Blood Trail) while working on a project for a colleague who is suffering due to a bad rapport from client that complains about his performance without investigating the situation thoroughly. In addition, I was helping out with another colleague onsite as he is facing issues with project management & technical installation at the same time. It is a miracle that most of the issues that was solved was remote but the major important issues have to be left behind because it is beyond our capacities. Yet, with the contempt from our clients, we were blamed as a company for our failure in delivering the quality rendered despite paying us with a rather low service rate.
I remembered my trip back home last week to Malaysia, and I was deeply appalled by what my mom related to me about her younger sister's insistence on 'as-a-customer's-point-of-view' remark for a re-used product that my mom has kindly sacrificed to give my aunt 'for the sake of her health'. I often wondered if all these remarks of insistence that 'I-have-my-right' has gone far too much and too dangerous. We can ignore friendships, kinship, or even intimate relationships - for the sake of our own rights.
Looking through the lense of a global perspective, you would find this phenomenon too easy to detect. Propaganda of protests in Thailand because 'we have our rights to voice our angers to current Red Regime represented by the government instituted by Yingluck for her abuse of authority to trade rice with China at a certain amount of quotation - which is supposed to be given to our fellow countrymen' - and what would happen half a decade down the road? Doesn't this come from the initial 'corrupt elitist' from the Yellow Regime that forgets about the farmers and the low-income and made them deprived of privileges? How about the Ukraine Revolution, that insists that the present Ukraine government is hellbent between the Western's arms influence to stop the rebels and the still-Communist-conscious ex-Soviet Union Russia, of which Putin, the present leader insists on supporting Ukraine while silently feed the rebels with thoughts of reunification and subsequently subduing the forces of the Allies? There's too many to list down, of which dryness of context can deviate us of our present attention, but what of these? What can these incidents bring us to reflection?
I have learned, in my own hardship, that we as human, we like to insist our rights because we demand to be heard. If that cannot be done, we would usually retaliate in many forms in order to get the message across and get what we want eventually. For example, in my trade, if the schedule couldn't be met in time, we would, in many ways try to send in a request of complaints to the management so that more resources can be allocated to solve the problem, and also add in our new requests as if those are specified in the initial contract? In other trades perhaps, there will be competition between department within the same company of which one will insist that the scope of work to be pushed over to the other parties to ease the burden and 'get to go back home by 5 pm to do my own thing, which is usually lazing in the couch and watch senseless show to get my mind off the work'. I may have stereotypically described our way of lives, but the general consensus is there, provided that we asked ourselves genuinely looking through the reflecting glass.
Where are we in our own journey of life? Enjoying a pleasant cup of tea by the balcony of our house overlooking the garden below, with maids that earned a quarter (or a tenth even) of our salaries waking up early in the morning to accompany sick old geezers who could only drool due to the Alzheimer's disease contracted as they aged? Or we are struggling to meet with our needs for new gadgets while window shopping in a luxury IT store while we have geniuses several years younger than us staying at a house barely the size of our own bedroom - looking a piece of wooden old toy and let the imagination role as if it can do more than what we want from the display gadget in that same IT store? Do we play card games and gambling tiles, akin to Mahjong, with our fellow aunts and uncles in a comfortable living room well subsidized by the government complaining about the same government for their insistence of increasing the taxes, services and transportation fees as if we are the losing end? How about people who walk miles daily to look for food to survive daily, who though complained about government once in a while, were glad for providence for low-income policies that will aid them to get by each day?
We have forgotten the fact that it is we, the well-to-do, that needs to reflect about the providence of things that we have. Instead, we stock up weapons of 'condemnations' in the form of lips and tongues, and so threaten so many along the way. What a way to exert superiority! What of us?
If we were ever dare to reflect and ask ourselves what have we become, then I would suppose with this we would realize the depth of corrupt we have landed ourselves into. We, therefore, are the corrupt.
As I play a tune at the park nearby, a tone familiar while I was way younger touched the inner soul in me. It was grace that awakes in me. The gentle tone starts with an E minor. A tune I have long forgotten, that goes as simple as this:
"As I walk through the breeze
Of high 'n mighty against those geez'
I often wonder what's left for me
When mercies dropped with piles of shit.
Dressed in brands, talks became cheap,
Promises I told them that I would keep.
Yet in my heart, I called them all weak,
As my soul feeds from all their needs.
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life of mine?
By talking cheap, we became hypocrite,
Bureaucrats, corporate or relationships,
All the same, be it anger or gentle,
That says, "I'm right, and no one else!"
Did it ever occur to you that while we live,
While we selfishly do as we please,
By standing on our feets, assuming our rights,
And kill those forever lost in their fights?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life of mine?
[Guitar extended solo]
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I, the corrupt, I, the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
From eternity to heaven, or to the hellbent life...
I'm the corrupt, I'm the corrupt,
What have I become,
The doomed man who wore the human mask,
And killed all the living heart?
I'm the corrupt, I'm the corrupt,
Where would I go from here,
I'm also fighting for my right, and now I have nowhere left to hide.
With this sad song I told myself, how far have I gone into - the life of a corrupt, and hellbent, and in darkness I found myself not being able to hide from the shame and guilt anymore.
For the longest time I cried tearless in the park, with myself and my guitar, to think how shameful I have become. I, who think I am safe in the hands of God, find myself a corrupt. Walking away, enjoying little delicacies such as manager, good salary, great sound system, good PC and gadgets, a wonderful girlfriend and her family - forgot where I was before, a hypocrite in a campus, with everything lost: a girl, my studies, friendships, all alone in a dark cold room in the tallest building in my campus on the fateful 2007. Just when I was overlooking the scenes of the school, how could I ever forget the gentle hands of the Soul who first touched my heart with the plea, "It's okay, you are safe with me."
It may end up being a prodigal story, but where is my heart? Where is the stone cold heart of mine? Where has it gone to? To see the corrupt, and to enjoy being dumped into the same group with those who think that they are right as a customer? The moment I remembered seeing my mom's tears of being 'bullied' because of her sister's insistence on her right, I let down my guards.
Why do we have people that think that they are right? Why do I keep thinking that I have my rights to get this and that? Why do I keep thinking of having an easy way out by staying low and enough to get by? Why don't I stop and reflect about how much I would have learned to be a better person have I not succumb to the temptation of 'being right?" Why?
I remembered Jesus' admonition during His Sermon of the Mount. To proclaim that even by hating them in the heart you would have killed them in their soul is a harsh admonishment as a religious commandment, but I began to see much more truth in it. Because we insist on our rights, we forget about other people and we kept thinking that it is to us, the privileged, the elitist, the higher social class, that deserves the attention. Those lives by the streets shall eat their dirts with shame because they didn't fight for their lives. We do.
Or did we? Study comfortably in the study room, while occasionally peek through the comics - and despite getting good grades you called that fighting for your life? Has it ever occurred to you that thanks to the corruption of the world, we are privileged to even have a school, let alone air-conditioned and with iPads running around to enhance teaching while on the other side of the same region, people struggled hard to even feed their own bodies with food while fighting to come to school. School as rotten as a body left on the street for days. And they would say, "How wonderful it is to come to school?" while we have children complaining on coming to school, because "we want to play PS4 with Tomb Raider on it".
I am sad. Not because I have seen the corruption of the world and feel sympathy for it. Not because I witness accounts of friends who are corrupt in their conduct and try their means to cheat the equally corrupt for privileges and tax rebates. Not because of seeing their children fighting for their rights to play XBox One. Not because of my aunt's insistence for demanding her rights as a customer despite having blood relationship with my mom. Not because of the nasty customer who thinks that he is right to insist that he must have the best of service in our industry for the price of a tenth of that. Not because despite all that my management insist that we clean up the mess for not being able to deliver the luxurious quality of service despite paying peanuts.
I am sad, because I, too, am the corrupt. I too am the one sitting on the bench each day, watching shows shamelessly thinking that I deserve a right, after a hard day's work, to sit and relax and not having a care of the world, even though people out there is fighting. I don't give it much a thought when there are charities running across the streets hoping us to support the Philippines, the Thais and other countries for their causes, despite naively thinking that their causes will all proceeds to these poor souls. In the weakened sense of justice, I lamely excuse myself from donating because I tried to justify by wanting explanation on how these funds will go actually, where usually processes and filters from bureaucrats will take almost 90% of the money. And thanks to these, our poor souls in other countries get only 10% of the donations to be fed to perhaps millions of them.
I am sad, because I think that I am high and mighty, that I think I am incorruptible. In actual fact, this song unmask me and proclaim me evenly guilty for being a corrupt.
Yes, that's who I am. And for reflection, I suggest you to listen to this song, with equal contemplation from your end, to look into yourself and see if there's any living parts of you that is justifiable. Of course, apart from my singing tune - which is bad. But listen to the song as a person who see someone, drenched with guilt, full of awful stench, begging to be heard. And please, listen with an open heart.
I, The Corrupt - Guitar & Vocal by Ren Kang
Monday, February 10, 2014
[mobile share] : A dose of death
It all came into me in sudden, the choices that I've made that was erroneous. It all occurred to me how much wrong I have ever done to myself.
Cut myself to get attention. Rape my heart to listen to the world full of sadist and masochist. Silence my conscience with flattery of sins. Do I degrade myself so that I could find no other reason to call myself a screw up?
It is sad, yet I have to endure with my strong heart to tell people that I'm the leader and it's okay for me to bleed it dry.
God... My innocence many years back seem more like an illusion that kept me awake for a brand new day. And I think, rightful so.
Oh God...
Friday, February 7, 2014
[mobile share]: A take on addiction
Thought of my own hypocrisy when I read this article, only to realize how relevant it speaks from my heart.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/russell-brand-philip-seymour-hoffman-drug-laws?CMP=fb_ot
[reflection]: of the good friendships I have
Thanks, to whom is reading this blog at the moment.
You have walked with me for years to be privileged to look into my life, in all the bits and pieces - to have known even the details with the fabric of my perspective. You could anticipate where I was heading towards in an argument even before I finished listening to a good piece of sermon. You could guessed where I came from when a sudden decision required of me to brainstorm for immediate solution.
Most importantly, in my darkest hour, instead of condemnation and calling names that would have casted me as insolent ingrates, you came close, hold my hand and press it tight - and say, "You must be very alone to have done that."
If it wasn't for that gesture of forgiveness, that gesture... I wouldn't have known that you are readily to pray for me - daily. Interceding whenever thought came into formation about whatever I am doing. Whether God prompted you a heart of compassion, or you just felt it a duty as a fulfilment of friendship, I would say that your gentleness has come close to breaking my heart, spilling the hurt to my eyes to swell those tears long forgotten to drain.
Whoever you are. However sad you think I could be. Thank you at least for remembering me in prayer, in my darkest hour. And perhaps, one fine day - shall we meet up again, like the good ol' times, when I don't remember being hurtful and isolating, and mingle with close friends like they were mine, and I was theirs. Shall we then, start talking?
Signed,
Ren. 07. Feb. 2014. Amen. Thanks be to the Lord.
You have walked with me for years to be privileged to look into my life, in all the bits and pieces - to have known even the details with the fabric of my perspective. You could anticipate where I was heading towards in an argument even before I finished listening to a good piece of sermon. You could guessed where I came from when a sudden decision required of me to brainstorm for immediate solution.
Most importantly, in my darkest hour, instead of condemnation and calling names that would have casted me as insolent ingrates, you came close, hold my hand and press it tight - and say, "You must be very alone to have done that."
If it wasn't for that gesture of forgiveness, that gesture... I wouldn't have known that you are readily to pray for me - daily. Interceding whenever thought came into formation about whatever I am doing. Whether God prompted you a heart of compassion, or you just felt it a duty as a fulfilment of friendship, I would say that your gentleness has come close to breaking my heart, spilling the hurt to my eyes to swell those tears long forgotten to drain.
Whoever you are. However sad you think I could be. Thank you at least for remembering me in prayer, in my darkest hour. And perhaps, one fine day - shall we meet up again, like the good ol' times, when I don't remember being hurtful and isolating, and mingle with close friends like they were mine, and I was theirs. Shall we then, start talking?
Signed,
Ren. 07. Feb. 2014. Amen. Thanks be to the Lord.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
[short note]: update link - and probably permanent weblog for my own journal writings
It has been a while. After the 2 days of my sick leave, somehow I manage to gather the strength to write stuff and reorganize the thoughts.
Not too bad to begin with, but after several touch up and changes on the blog content, I have decided to simplify the design and put more emphasis on the text rather than visual impressiveness. Think this is more me than trying to beautify something that doesn't belong to myself.
Let's see how far this design will stay till.
In the meantime, I am quite glad that I can start up something again - a desire of accountability that I have left behind for a long time. Reading these posts really conjured a lot of memories, albeit some being unpleasant.
Not too bad to begin with, but after several touch up and changes on the blog content, I have decided to simplify the design and put more emphasis on the text rather than visual impressiveness. Think this is more me than trying to beautify something that doesn't belong to myself.
Let's see how far this design will stay till.
In the meantime, I am quite glad that I can start up something again - a desire of accountability that I have left behind for a long time. Reading these posts really conjured a lot of memories, albeit some being unpleasant.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Rest Stop Thoughts: How should Christians respond to the Allah controversy? (Part 3 - Final)
Recent readings from a sharing from my good friend from JB spark in me the sense of justice in the face of humility.
A good reading that gives the background of the controversial 'Allah' and how we as Christian should respond.
http://write2rest.blogspot.sg/2014/02/how-should-christians-respond-to-allah_9694.html?m=1
A good reading that gives the background of the controversial 'Allah' and how we as Christian should respond.
http://write2rest.blogspot.sg/2014/02/how-should-christians-respond-to-allah_9694.html?m=1
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
虚假-自我人生就此变得没有能够返回当年的纯真吗?
若有一天我变得复杂,我是否还记得自己当年的纯真。对于他人的慷慨待遇。我是否还记得当一个人在漂浮人生找到真理。找到一个能让我记得生活点点滴滴的小小细节。使我变了虚假了吗?
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
[reflection]: The complexity of Facade
Listened to a song today.
Reflecting through my own failures, I felt immensely discouraged.
I use lies to hide the real me, and imprisoned the real me beyond the gaze of humanity.
And when I spend time to look within me, to find the real me,
A song broke free, and this reflects of me:
Pain in heart, sorrow in the spirit.
I cried myself tonight, a tear to bring the spirit of confession.
And pray and hope that tonight's confession is the beginning of liberating the real me.
Reflecting through my own failures, I felt immensely discouraged.
I use lies to hide the real me, and imprisoned the real me beyond the gaze of humanity.
And when I spend time to look within me, to find the real me,
A song broke free, and this reflects of me:
Pain in heart, sorrow in the spirit.
I cried myself tonight, a tear to bring the spirit of confession.
And pray and hope that tonight's confession is the beginning of liberating the real me.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
[reflection]: post-2013
Waking up with a jarring effect on my hearing isn't the first time experienced after the hangover, despite the loud music and the shouting from the company I had the day before. Guess the feeling of hangover is already a guilt-ridden emotions. Sometimes, I look into my life and I start to wonder if whatever I played along in my life was worth the journey. When the morning breaks, my usual mode of contemplation has, in recent months, turned sour and inwards, like a blade cutting deep into the wounds that was supposed to heal. The hardest part of the day was actually in the morning, when I heard the conscience whispering, ever not giving up the hope of prompting the inner soul of this nagging question:
"Why am I in this thought again?"
Memories - mostly good but perverted, consummated me again and again. Convincing myself that I have been healed, I moved on a journey of companionship, not letting difficulties coming my way anymore. Now is the time for commitment, I told myself, and since then I have been limping through the darkness thinking that I have been enlightened.
I was wondering at times, what am I fighting for, seriously? To survive in this world? To gain recognition as the favoured guitarist in my friends' band? To be able to perform onstage one day telling the stories of my screwed up perspective? To actually be able to sit and the back and control the music, and let people know that it is I, THE sound engineer, who is in-charge? To actually spend most of the days with my girlfriend and her family, and to have a pleasant time together? To be safe and sound and healthy and prosperous in my community? To gain a title for my own for the respect I fought hard for? To get the best intimate moments with the best girls that I know I can have sex with? To lean onto the understanding of the wise and being called the wisest of all? To be part of the holy ones and ordained myself to be celibate and be consecrated before God?
I often wondered all these things when I am alone in my room waking up early in the morning, after a horrible dream night. And too much was being digested in the head, because it felt so much like a hangover. Real hangover.
This new year, literally I felt as if whatever that I have achieved for years have now being drained down and become null. Sometimes, we all think that life in its finest are the achievement of milestones and all the striking off from the bucket list. I myself, however, leaning onto my bed and looking up onto the empty ceiling, wondered if it all meant the same whether we stroke off the bucket list or to set resolutions to meet our milestones (be it of good morale conscience or something dare-devil that we want to try).
"We are still, after all, human. Fallen beings."
I see the corruption of humanity even in myself, when troubles strike, and adversities come our ways. I would tend to explain off and blame it onto someone else - giving excuses that it is not initially my fault that has caused this problem. Just like Adam and Eve, I am equally guilty of being sinful. And yet, I think high and mighty and press it upon others for reasons of upward mobility. And slicing the conscience layer into thin surface gradually, I thought of life as running like a rat in a rat race, though at the end I am still a rat. Wonder who went that far to think and how much we have become to lure ourselves away from our conscience.
What did I learn during 2013? Plenty to begin with, but more of a guilty sense rather than a contemplative and reflective. Firstly, in my work place I have realised just how much power-driven I am towards attaining the respect from my colleagues and my peers. My temper was actually surprisingly rampant (though if you really know me since the beginning of friendship you may have thought that I have re-packaged my anger to be of more justified righteousness). My attitude towards authorities are very childish and constantly imagining that I am the right one. My affluence towards monetary control gave me more freedom, and many price to pay in the meantime. Lewd living, spending beyond what's capable on my end, treat poverty with distaste - my attitude towards social justice has become totally laughing stock. I even subscribed towards the idea that we are entitled for better living, just like how Buddhism and Hinduism believe. Worst still, I have been influenced by the family of my girlfriend to think that we deserve better, therefore now I am a practicing glutton learning to reduce my food intake, less health is slowly decaying from the inside.
With all these in mind, I find it hard to move on with 2014, especially when I broke so much resolutions. Not only did I fail to comply, I actually went the other direction, and therefore now leaving myself deceitful shackles hoarding round my conscience limbs. I couldn't imagine this happened, and for now, all I can do is to just to leave myself in a lurch.
"What is this, my child? Have you given up hope?"
It is in one of the night in Hong Kong, that I heard a faint whisper from the same source but in a different tone. Instead of reprimanding and stern whisper, this whisper has changed into a tone of gentle yet sympathizing. Was it because I am getting tired of running, and now I can only lay low and watch my soul rot - that in such shameful visual I suddenly see a grain of light vignetting across?
"God desires a contrite heart - so never give up - until the end."
Would we all receive forgiveness? Despite all the above? I wondered out loud at that particular morning, looking out to the tall buildings surrounding my hotel stay. Looking at the scenery on a winter, with neighbourhood still reeking from the post-new-year-celebration, I wondered if my contemplation would make any sense at all. They don't seem to get the idea that coming into a new year, a new beginning may have begun, or so I thought to myself.
I drafted today, 5 days into the new year, hoping that this will thus begin the journey of redemption. Slowly walking with my beloved, I decide that I need to have orientation of my life. At least I have to consistently look upon the direction of which the beacon leads me. And do not over commit over far-fetched resolutions, but rather keep in simple milestones what is the Lord's direction - one at a time. I have affinity towards sexual immorality, so I have to find something on it. I have lost touch with my health track over food intake and my frequent jog, so I should look into that as well. Short trips with my good friend just to chill and enjoy the company for a day or two may have been a good idea as part of the self-retreat over the weekend. Above all, me and my beloved decide to spend more time discovering our faith in each pace (hers with her cousin who has been trying to encourage her to undertake retreats and bible studies, while I am thinking very hard to go back into the cell group routine).
I am indeed sinful, as I reflect on 2013. Must worse than the previous years, especially when heinous thoughts were conceived and undesired and provocative actions were exhibited to veil the inner sinful character of mine. Perhaps for 2014, I would take heed to listen to the poor conscience again, at least giving him a better rest despite in a house arrest.
Hebrews 12:1-12. Amen.
"Why am I in this thought again?"
Memories - mostly good but perverted, consummated me again and again. Convincing myself that I have been healed, I moved on a journey of companionship, not letting difficulties coming my way anymore. Now is the time for commitment, I told myself, and since then I have been limping through the darkness thinking that I have been enlightened.
I was wondering at times, what am I fighting for, seriously? To survive in this world? To gain recognition as the favoured guitarist in my friends' band? To be able to perform onstage one day telling the stories of my screwed up perspective? To actually be able to sit and the back and control the music, and let people know that it is I, THE sound engineer, who is in-charge? To actually spend most of the days with my girlfriend and her family, and to have a pleasant time together? To be safe and sound and healthy and prosperous in my community? To gain a title for my own for the respect I fought hard for? To get the best intimate moments with the best girls that I know I can have sex with? To lean onto the understanding of the wise and being called the wisest of all? To be part of the holy ones and ordained myself to be celibate and be consecrated before God?
I often wondered all these things when I am alone in my room waking up early in the morning, after a horrible dream night. And too much was being digested in the head, because it felt so much like a hangover. Real hangover.
This new year, literally I felt as if whatever that I have achieved for years have now being drained down and become null. Sometimes, we all think that life in its finest are the achievement of milestones and all the striking off from the bucket list. I myself, however, leaning onto my bed and looking up onto the empty ceiling, wondered if it all meant the same whether we stroke off the bucket list or to set resolutions to meet our milestones (be it of good morale conscience or something dare-devil that we want to try).
"We are still, after all, human. Fallen beings."
I see the corruption of humanity even in myself, when troubles strike, and adversities come our ways. I would tend to explain off and blame it onto someone else - giving excuses that it is not initially my fault that has caused this problem. Just like Adam and Eve, I am equally guilty of being sinful. And yet, I think high and mighty and press it upon others for reasons of upward mobility. And slicing the conscience layer into thin surface gradually, I thought of life as running like a rat in a rat race, though at the end I am still a rat. Wonder who went that far to think and how much we have become to lure ourselves away from our conscience.
What did I learn during 2013? Plenty to begin with, but more of a guilty sense rather than a contemplative and reflective. Firstly, in my work place I have realised just how much power-driven I am towards attaining the respect from my colleagues and my peers. My temper was actually surprisingly rampant (though if you really know me since the beginning of friendship you may have thought that I have re-packaged my anger to be of more justified righteousness). My attitude towards authorities are very childish and constantly imagining that I am the right one. My affluence towards monetary control gave me more freedom, and many price to pay in the meantime. Lewd living, spending beyond what's capable on my end, treat poverty with distaste - my attitude towards social justice has become totally laughing stock. I even subscribed towards the idea that we are entitled for better living, just like how Buddhism and Hinduism believe. Worst still, I have been influenced by the family of my girlfriend to think that we deserve better, therefore now I am a practicing glutton learning to reduce my food intake, less health is slowly decaying from the inside.
With all these in mind, I find it hard to move on with 2014, especially when I broke so much resolutions. Not only did I fail to comply, I actually went the other direction, and therefore now leaving myself deceitful shackles hoarding round my conscience limbs. I couldn't imagine this happened, and for now, all I can do is to just to leave myself in a lurch.
"What is this, my child? Have you given up hope?"
It is in one of the night in Hong Kong, that I heard a faint whisper from the same source but in a different tone. Instead of reprimanding and stern whisper, this whisper has changed into a tone of gentle yet sympathizing. Was it because I am getting tired of running, and now I can only lay low and watch my soul rot - that in such shameful visual I suddenly see a grain of light vignetting across?
"God desires a contrite heart - so never give up - until the end."
Would we all receive forgiveness? Despite all the above? I wondered out loud at that particular morning, looking out to the tall buildings surrounding my hotel stay. Looking at the scenery on a winter, with neighbourhood still reeking from the post-new-year-celebration, I wondered if my contemplation would make any sense at all. They don't seem to get the idea that coming into a new year, a new beginning may have begun, or so I thought to myself.
I drafted today, 5 days into the new year, hoping that this will thus begin the journey of redemption. Slowly walking with my beloved, I decide that I need to have orientation of my life. At least I have to consistently look upon the direction of which the beacon leads me. And do not over commit over far-fetched resolutions, but rather keep in simple milestones what is the Lord's direction - one at a time. I have affinity towards sexual immorality, so I have to find something on it. I have lost touch with my health track over food intake and my frequent jog, so I should look into that as well. Short trips with my good friend just to chill and enjoy the company for a day or two may have been a good idea as part of the self-retreat over the weekend. Above all, me and my beloved decide to spend more time discovering our faith in each pace (hers with her cousin who has been trying to encourage her to undertake retreats and bible studies, while I am thinking very hard to go back into the cell group routine).
I am indeed sinful, as I reflect on 2013. Must worse than the previous years, especially when heinous thoughts were conceived and undesired and provocative actions were exhibited to veil the inner sinful character of mine. Perhaps for 2014, I would take heed to listen to the poor conscience again, at least giving him a better rest despite in a house arrest.
Hebrews 12:1-12. Amen.
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