[reflection]: when conformity destroys

To assume that I have to come to my workplace, with the mentality of a guerilla fighter may not sound too far-fetched after all. When besetting problems that come my way consistently, I often feel that all the battles that I have conjured up to, seems to be fruitless. And when I think about the managing director of the company that I am working for - in which he has single-handedly brought up the company in what he thought to be 

[Reflection]: BECK - The Beginning of Inspiration

Several years back, back in the humble room, overlooking on the windows facing another hostel. Brick-wall surrounding the room may have given the looming image of depression - as I struggled to find an identity in school. That was my first year. In that time, my roommate happened to be one of the top-notched students in his junior college, and he is in the front line of his studies - and several years later becoming one of the key engineers behind the most updated Google Map. At that time, perhaps nothing else matters to me - as I was way behind, and really couldn't much understand the pace of life in Singapore and all the ultra complicated syllabus taught in school. 

As I recall, a good friend was suggesting to me a website where I can download videos and Japanese animation for my own leisure - just to get away from the busy life and perhaps, to indulge in self-delusion. To be frank, it doesn't seem so difficult to understand back then because truly, life is very difficult when you are alone and you have not much people you can safely rely on. 

In this instance, I found this peculiar yet poignant Japanese animation called 'BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad'.

It won't do justice in putting a description of how much this anime impacted my life, but as of now, I am in a deep-seated mood reflecting upon my musical journey and the sudden gush to want to meet back some of the old friends that I have met as band musicians. Perhaps another return from hiatus, but for now - I would like to leave with a lyrics from the last episode of this Japanese Animation, that I would say is the greatest in my life.

Band: 10-Feet 
TItle: Little More Than Before

I don't know since when I changed to such a cold-hearted guy
I have to warm this frozen, icy, lonely heart to thaw
I like being wrapped with warmness more than anything else for sure
I'm gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy

I let myself down that I'm more cruel than I thought I would be
I'm just a loser who ends up by caring for my soul
I've become a man from a kid and now turn back to a kid again
I can now show and give my love a little more than before

Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance

Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
And I'm scared to keep on going on my way
Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end

Recalling my torn, broken, aching heart of these long days
And all the memories I wanted to forget for making leaps
Recalling, breaking, aching, crying, making sure to me
And I take all and grin at my future on the way

Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance

Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end

I've become a man from a kid and now turn back to a kid again
I can now show and give my love a little more than before

[poem]: wrought around

Wouldn't have thought of the truth,
If it wasn't the truth that convicts me.
After all, intuition holds the decisions.

Upon the desk, with many memories,
Still the sadness forever overwhelmed me. 
Whatever the consequence, I bore them all. 

The melancholy, wrought around ever since,
The days when guilt so ever eluded me.
Shone out the evident, through that looking glass. 

I whimpered at my own transgression,
Oh to whom can I give up my destiny,
One that is wrought with pain and shame.

In this moment, I saw the good Book, 
Providence must have played His cards well,
Never a coincident so 

[short note]: heavy day at work

A poor colleague went overseas to visit his family (his children and his wife are based in Phillipines). He gave us his source code so that I can work on it. I volunteered to help because apart from the fact that I have experience, I know there's no one who is able to support his work. Incidentally I am not from this specialization, but he is a good friend.

Prior to that I note of his programming skills and I told him a few times - he has limitation in his programming skills. Due to the company huge intakes in projects, he has taken too much load.

As I was looking at his source code, I couldn't help but think - how could I fulfill the deadline with so many loop holes here and there?

I was pretty upset, but remembering how dedicated despite his weak programming skills, I couldn't help but feel sad yet disappointed.

My heart felt a lot, yet my rational mind thinks likewise. What can be done?

[reflection]: the co-workers

Pray.

They have lost directions, of many ways. Some were so lethargy that the only thing they can think of is going through the motion to get the salary they needed badly for survival.

So pray.

That the only reason they need becomes the reason they endeavor - for righteousness.

The hard work that they endured is not only for the sake of survival, but also for the sake of betterment in their lives.

So pray.

That they will eventually find rest in the fact that all hard work leads to futility of rewards in this world, but of immense worth for the life to come.

That they will eventually, by the testimonies of those who profess the faith of Christ to hold steadfast and be the salt and light of the world for those that were lost.

Therefore, please pray with me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

[reflection]: the night before the work day

Thinking about working tomorrow, after one month break - and I wondered what should I bring into the work place, if I can summarize everything during the long month break.

The first thing that came to my mind is accountability. I need to re-establish that in order to make sure that my conduct is in check. 

Second thing was the servanthood of leadership. I need to make sure that the role of leadership is not abstract and distant, in accordance to what my team subordinate feels. 

However - as I pondered upon, I realized that all else matters to nothing, if one core thing, just like the Teacher in Ecclesiastes said: "Fear God, for it is the only meaning you could find in life". 

Fear God... and really, I was humbled by the experience of His presence during the month long break.

So what could be taken out from the month break? How do I apply what I learn in the working place?

I have decided - humble enough to purify myself - seeing the face of God in the work place, and seeing different purposes in life. 

Pray that tomorrow will be a good journey towards the end of life for me. This may have been one of the many breaks I will take occasionally, but a good one to reflect upon my spiritual state. 

[narratives]: Let Ghost be Bygone...

Another dark night. What a wretched life I have!

"Stop all the struggles. Didn't you like this feeling? The senses are all responding, my darling."

Yes indeed. Blood gushed downward, towards the middle body. In the midst of the darkness, strangely he found pleasure, however dark the sin might be. 

"You got to pardon me, I know we have been doing it every week, but the feeling hasn't stopped at all. There's still pain between the thigh."

"It's alright, my darling. Ooh... Move your hand here..."

Gently she moved the hands that was defiled by the very act of consummation into the most delicate part of the body. As the physical touch slowly engulfed and gently support the small, well-toned and round chest, of which Solomon the King may have likewise obsessed himself with in the days of his reign - which probably led to his destruction towards the end of the empire. 

Ah, Solomon, that's right. How much descent can you probably imagine - from the height of praise of many neighbouring empire that come visit. Queen of Sheba, a prominent ruler with worldly wisdom, probably at the height of the Yemen and Ethiopian reign - thought of this gentleman king as the anointed King from the God. With all the gifts, an acknowledgment from those of the world - perhaps that gift may have turned into a knife easily penetrating through the wall of thinning willpower. The power at will to stop those that may have contaminated the soul. 

And here I am, in the middle of the night, consummated with the love act with someone that I no longer see possible to begin a family with. The only reason I would see perhaps is her beauty and her kindness towards me. And it is her beauty that allowed this consummation to slip into a terrible dream... of occasional corrosion.

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"What is it, my dear? You don't look too good."

Walls of birch colour, aged by the furniture and all the books around. Tilting to the left, the good ol' bass guitar laid left, as if unwanted, besides the books and all the oak-taint shelves. These books looked abandoned, in my thought, just like my guitar. And the epiphany came. All the things on the left seems unwanted, left behind. Is that the reason why I am on the left side of the bed?

"Do you want some tea dear? You seem quite quaint with the surrounding."

To my right, everything seems right. Brighter side of the room, perhaps. Also, more relics of collection from various parts of my current girlfriend's life. My current girlfriend, with that jovial look, as usual - and a little dose of teenage cuteness akin to those that enjoyed the company of High School Musical dream. I took a quick peak at the shirt that she is wearing - one that I bought awhile back during my personal visit to a friend in Kuala Lumpur. "Mistakes are the reason why we should not stop trying", a graffiti replica drawn on a sunny orange, reminding me that everything will be made right in its time. Her looks tell me the same too - bright smiles and gentle eyes - the dark brown eyes that reminded me of the trunk of a Christmas tree.

What a beautiful sight - one that I remembered vividly as a young boy at the porch of my parents' house back in Malaysia. The only western connection that I had back then wasn't my education in English, nor my enthusiasm in superheroes like Batman (one that I loved a lot since a kid) - but the Christmas tree. More like because that is the first nature that responded to me when I was crying after a terrible scolding from my dad for not giving in to my sister when it comes to having my favourite bag to school. Though just entering 3rd grade, that bag meant to me like how a guitar meant to a guitarist - an identity as a student, one that I took pride in. I wasn't an excellent student in grades, but I loved the life of being able to hide in school, away from the emotional hurt I was experiencing. Surprisingly, it was that one day, in the early morning when I was getting ready to school - of which one of the Christmas tree nearest to the gate actually responded to me by tilting the top downward, as if it felt overcast by the moody night before. Not even the next one felt the same. Though eventually I grew to understand the reason behind the nodding tree (a squirrel happened to pass on this tree - and it was only that day - though I would not discount the coincidence as an act of fate of empathy), I missed the naive part of myself - that small kid who sees the world as part of God's plan for something eventually.

"It's alright dear. I can get the drink myself. I am pretty much tired with the work and all. Do you mind if I nap a while on your bed?"

"Haha, dear, of course you can. Just get yourself comfortable at home, alright?" Her assuring words, oh how gentle they are. She is so much different from my past. And why is it that I can't let go of my past? Why?

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I often wondered, when I wandered, with my eyes, on the settings around me, that my past will always come flooding me. They are very much a hindrance sometimes. Like there's once, when I finished talking to my spiritual mentor about the new revelation from the result of my contemplation, the dishonourable images of the past that set its foothold since the night of consummation kept creeping in, as if to remind me that the past can never be forgotten. No matter how much I tried redeeming the thought with revelation of God's eventual purposes, I can't help but remembering two extremely conflicting post-reflection. One: the fact that I have hurt a woman, who imagine that I would be with her till the end of days, turned out to be that I actually don't like the fact that she played on me once and I found it hard to trust in her. The betrayal took a deep seeded edge of me, and I start to distrust her when at the last few days of our acquaintance (even after breaking up for a year or so), that she promised to change for me. Ol' saying, "Once bitten, twice shy." I remembered the night after consummation, she answered a call angrily at her ex to say not to call and the relationship was over - and immediately on the next week, I chanced upon the SMS of the correspondence between them betraying the content of the call that I heard the week before. It took me a lot of courage (though now I thought of them as self-deceitful courage) to think that she would change - only to know few months later, she called for a break up. Just when I thought and struggle to reconcile for a year - she had a different point of view and maintained that we were together, but she wanted more liberty for her own. Such a screwed up perspective of relationship, so much so that when the time draws near for me to eventually say goodbye and found someone new, her aggression towards attracting me confused me. All the confrontation that night, surprisingly, didn't put too much emphasis to my nightmare except the consummation of love making, one forbidden fruit that I have taken, and since regretting each night. 

That point brings me to the second thought: no matter how much I tried to put a label of regret towards the consummation - of losing the innocence of something to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage, I still couldn't forget the fleshly pleasure I felt in that consummation - and have experimented finding someone with the same body built (if not the facial similarity), just to feel the same attachment and same technique that my past exhibited. The delicate touch at the tip of the manhood felt the pleasure akin to the forbidden enjoyment of tasting thick chocolate fondue all day all night - that had never gone away. I tried with an escort - and I remembered the expression that she had, the same face I remembered seeing my first ex-girlfriend, who upon the first time I had the experience with her, showed the look of contempt and disgust, the feeling of being violated. It was at that time that I truly understood the meaning of why Paul exhorted the Corinthians to think of the body as the temple of God, and such fornication with prostitutes are like violating the sacred. Imagining the temple of God being violated with blasphemy is one thing; being degraded by the defecation of unclean animals and ungodly slaying of priests at the altar of God - that image came into me the moment I saw this poor lady. I told myself never again, but for how long?

The demonisation of this image - of the pleasure that I experienced with my past, the one after my first ex-girlfriend, had since become the harbinger of my own destruction, perhaps into the depths of sexual promiscuity. I struggled hard to find redemption, and though as of now, me and my current girlfriend abstained this act (purposes in sexual intercourse that can only be found in marriage become what we eventually found agreement in). However, every night, I couldn't differentiate between nightmare and pleasant dream anymore on this mental images, like a rewinding VCR - with the analog tape slowly degraded by the continual corroding magnetic gap. Greenish image perhaps, but what about the character? Would we age? Would the still shot of the lady on top of me continue to become a idol-worship that comes to me every night imagining the act of consummation?

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I wrote something like a confessional, of which I gave to my counsellor, related to this, but not on a great length. But the confession somehow summarised the feeling that I have about this episode, something that came out from a wrong decision made by self-will. The good out of the incident, though, reminded that we have freewill given, and there are good and bad decisions. Whatever road that was carved beyond depends on the road we travel.

In that journey when I passed on this confessional journal (handwritten) to my counsellor, a mental image came to me, something that I wasn't expecting. The demonisation of my thought may have eroded my sense, but surprisingly I became more aware of the artistic side of me - the one that writes and speaks. And all along I have thought (with the affirmation of my cell group mates) that I couldn't write or articulate or describe things well, that I am better off just stick to what I have been conditioned to know best - the sound engineering. In that mental images, flicking almost like still shot with narrations running along those slides - I see the potential of telling these stories in snippets, making them novels and writing to people to let them find a connection. Somehow, pictures of my first girlfriend, my second girlfriend (she has since found a husband and expecting their first child - someone close to both of us told me about it, I have not been able to link up with her because we chose to sever the ties) and my third and current girlfriend came in, with bits and pieces of stories that are interwoven to allow this articulative mind to weave them in series of blogs and conversations - ironically a means to find healing and eventually reasons in them. Though rather difficult to reproduce these reflections in papers (or e-paper, for instance in this blog), somehow they drew me closer to God. Strangely, first girlfriend taught me the meaning of community and accountability, that I never walked alone in the struggles. The second girlfriend taught me the meaning of walking in solitude with God and coming back to Him, in torn and broken tunic once beautifully dressed by those who sewn for me during the recovery after my first girlfriend - just like the prodigal Son. I often wondered what is left for the third - and in the reflection during my retreat, I found that the journey not only meant for the prodigal Son, but the beckoning of the elder son to come forward and receive him too. Incidentally she is raised a Catholic - and she is on a journey to understand her faith too - something that is perhaps part of my responsibility to guide her. 

Every night, after waking up from the dream of consummation, I often wondered where is left for my soul to hide. When I looked out of the window, I saw the reflection of myself, the dirty face with scars of regrets and wrongdoings that I had been trying to redeem myself. Perhaps the strange timing of breaking dawn did the trick on the face that I saw on the window, but it was always the right side of the face that I saw reflecting back from the window, with the glowing sun rays laying rest upon the pimple-scars on my right cheek. It might have meant little to others, but I thought the image to be rather emblematic - resembling the face of God - shattered and brutalised, with blood stained on the cheek, the same cheek that Judas may have kissed as a token of betrayal. That face, perhaps, above all - is the face most likely speaks of the heart of God when He sees humanity in this state of bewildered though deliberate corruption - utter sorrow and sorry that he made humanity. But in the sadness of God, He didn't choose to see us as condemned, but as a potential work of salvation, and when the little strings of sun ray leaked on the forehead as I looked towards the window reflection - that it came to me - Jesus allowed humiliation as part of the redemption in a form of wearing the worldly crown, with thorns and bushes - which initially was meant for mockery - to let us see the utter deceit of chasing the dream that we tried to build, like what C. S. Lewis mentioned, paraphrased, "God is willing to give us the pleasures and gifts of heaven, and we are stuck in enjoying playing in the pool of mud." 

Perhaps this dream of mine, of finding this same pleasure that I first built with my second girlfriend, is the sick crown I have been seeking to find, but this image becomes emblematic for me as a proclamation against sexual immorality. Perhaps, and for a long time, I wished I could cry the tears of desolation. Desolation of self, of how pathetic I have become, and wishing that one day, this demonisation will eventually not take any effect to me anymore, such that when the image comes back in a distant future, it has no foothold on me any longer. Perhaps. But when will that be, that remains a question I suppose. For now, I probably should start with a prayer... right?

[Journal]: Day Ten - Gift of Paradox

I never fully appreciate the gift of 'otherwise' at times, especially when in the worldly standard, you woud expect yourself to sip into the 'common sense' decisions. For example, it is absurd to think that of all job to choose from, the main criteria in searching for a job is to 'experience humility and constant reminder of things that matter more than productivity and efficiency'. Not many companies appreciate that you 'keep stock on things that matters more', and even if you do, like visiting your ailing parents or whoever that matters more to you - those days will be pretty much limited, and you might be bogged down by constant request to 'get things done'. Naturally, while I was working hard for the company, I have a very high expectation of the same from my subordinate, like having their phones regularly on and ready so that when I call them, they don't find it off-guard, and so on. Sometimes, when they are unable to perform to the level of expectation that I have, in months trying to gear them up as, I would silently lament on their inefficiency.

However, after resting for these few days, and being silently retreating along the coast of Singapore (northern coast most of the time), there's a deep sense of understanding about life of which I could only wish that I could spend time with my close friends and tell them of my reflections. Though initially hard to articulate them, nevertheless it's important that first draft of my thoughts are penned down, and so developing into more mature draft.

 

[Journal]: Day Ten - Forgiveness in Public

A short note. Perhaps I would write more than that later.

But I chanced upon a Youtube link, and thought it might be good to put this up. 
I have always admired Robert Downey Jr, partly because of his acting skill, and partly because of his bouncing-back-from-the-past history. 

Somehow, this video warmed my heart because of the fact that he implored his colleagues to forgive his friend, Mel Gibson - a testament of faith (Mel's a Catholic). In my heart, though I truly understood Mel as someone fallen from grace, the fact that he did one thing right - to help Robert Downey Jr, was the testimony that is enough to prove that his faith has his rewards in due time.

Like what Robert says in this clip, "He probably won't even know that the next person (that I would thank for to have all the accolades today) is him (Mel Gibson)".

All smiles as I start of today, the day ten of my retreat. 

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AAJuynxnTQ]

[Journal]: Day 4 - Reflection of 'Higher Ground' by Vera Farmiga

Perhaps I should put this upfront and straight - I really missed the days when my faith are ascertain, and that I am very sure that Lord is with me. 

And I am very sad - that I lived through days of horror and anger and bewilderment, and also several days of which I doubt even my own faith. And when I saw this movie - the poignancy almost took my life literally. I almost felt like jumping off the building, as much as I want - to see if God really sees that I matter to Him.

In wilderness I found myself just a door - as shut, and like what C. S. Lewis said, even the silence emphatised with my predicament, so why I should stay put there?

I cried, mainly because I have only myself to blame.

I yearned for attention, and attention got to me. I got a great girlfriend, with her friends and her family continually support me. So why do I indulge, at many days, promiscuity, and things that are not supposed to be? Why am I yearning for attention that much? 

I yearned for affluent living, and here I am, with all the money that I have gathered and saved now that I am more ready to contribute to society with my better living, so why did I live wayward, seeking things that are forbidden? Pubs, bad company... and plenty other stuff. 

I yearned for honest living, that every now and then, I see my dear beloved without feeling contaminated and frustrated. So why did I still see dirt in my own flesh, the indulgence?

WHY GOD DO I GO THROUGH THESE SINFUL THOUGHTS, AS IF I AM STILL THE SCREWED UP GUY?!

I don't know. I often prayed long and hard, that someone listened to me. For a year, I wandered in my own, because no one really listened. They just talked and talked and talked. They never really listened to what I have in mind. And Father... why is it that people tend to see this act as someone who is akin to a delinquent kid? Why?

I am not too sure, but I don't want to leave God out of my life. He really did bless me when times are bad - with good friends, good church, good pastor, good people around. I am just saddened by my own sinfulness, my own guilt and shame. Can I still be saved from the depths of dirt that I have succumbed myself to?

Father... 

[Journal]: Day Four - The Beast Within Me, really?

One of the many passions that I used to have back when I was as available as a third-year undergraduate imposing self-retreat in my small hostel - is the luxury of freedom in indulging various hobbies that I used to dream of having during childhood and teenage-hood. When I have the luxury of time, I usually amused myself into 2 things: watching movies (good and bad) or listening to music. Of course, in the later part of my life I started to realize in the strength of playing music as well - but during those days when I don't have the skill set in place, I guess movie watching became integral part of my life. I won't say to the effect that the movie watching is inspiring (especially when most of the time I watched movies with mature contents, of which some of them if left without supervision of someone mature, tend to led us away from the truth in the proper context. With this in mind I often wondered if much of my immaturity in appreciating those movies came from the vibe of trend rather than an interest in seeking the truth within the movie. 

For example, back in those days of mine, I have a few room mates (of which one eventually committed suicide the year after) that often inspired me to watch heavy metal concerts on Youtube. Introducing bands like Slayer, Megadeth, Anthrax, Children of Bodom started my curiosity into what went into their mind when they wrote extremely Satanic and depressing songs. I don't remember many of them now - after so many years of leaving them behind, but one particular event excited me - as the one very close to me during that year happened to be a strong fan of both Metallica and Slayer. Of course, with the current vibe - it is hard to imagine that true hardcore fans of Slayer would totally alienate the fans of Metallica, of whom several claimed to have 'sold out' to the pop mainstream culture. 

There's a period of time that I started to appreciate 'Angel of Death' after being continuous told to listen and appreciate the lyrical content and the Satanic devil '5th' on each end-of-bar of the chromatic scales, and as I started liking the groove, I was painfully disturbed by my inconsistency as both a Christian and a heavy-metal lover. It was in that context that I was exposed to 'Some Kind of Monster' documentary by Metallica. 

Strangely the chance encounter with the documentary happened to be miraculously coincidental. I was prowling through the shopping complex in Orchard Road one day (having the luxury of freedom of course), when this particular movie caught my attention. Back then, I was quite distasteful about Metallica, knowing that they are a bunch of sell-out (and I couldn't appreciate listening to St. Anger too). Roaming through Borders in Singapore (back when it thrived in Singapore - you could see many British and Americans frequented this place), I saw this book 'This Monster Lives', a book written by Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky, at that time notoriously (or 'philantrophically' known if that's the right word to describe - as the filmmaker of 'Paradise Lost', of which these directors were proponent against accusation of 3 teenagers wildly speculated in the Murder case of West Memphis 3). One particular scene caught my attention - of which Dave Mustaine, the former guitarist of Metallica, who went on to become the influential figure in Megadeth, sought reconciliation with Lars Ulrich, the drummer and the founding member of Metallica), especially when James Hetfield (the guitarist of Metallica) went for his AA treatment.

After heavy read up post-visitation in Borders, (Wikipedia and etc), I realized that many claimed that Dave Mustaine has become a Christian of recent (that was 2007) and that he actually did claim that if the band mates were to actually force him to go AA instead of firing him, he would have gone. The word 'Christian' became strangely out-of-place, yet poignantly reflect the state of my spiritual health back then. I often asked, 'Where is God in the midst of my indulgence?', and apparently, it seemed that God mysteriously used the circumstances of my indulgence to bring Himself back in the picture. 

Couple of weeks later, I bought myself the movie, and since then I have yet to regret getting it. Poignant scenes of tender love from James towards not just his band mates, but also his wife and his daughter (one particular scene of having him rushing over after his work at the studio to see his daughter dancing ballet - to thrash metal lover that scene is obscene - but why not? come to think of it, the love for his daughter allowed him the 'humiliation' as a metal lover to laugh with joy at the success of the gentle movement of a ballet dance by his daughter, and why shouldn't we all?). Besides, his reconciliation with band mates brought the image of 'heavy metal' to a more humanistic approach. Though none of the scene clearly depict anything close to what Christians should exhibit, somehow the act of reconciliation itself reminded me of brotherhood love and all the friendship that I had back when I was in active serving to God within my Christian circle. Although it may take several days to reflect onto them again, I am pretty sure if you browsed through those days written in my previous blog post (from mid-2006 till mid-2007), you would be able to appreciate the buoyant thought I exhibit during that time. 

Now, after writing in such length of the previous context to where I presently am now, I felt that it is vital that I should always looked at those past of mine in order to appreciate where I am at present, and what I should avoid making mistakes in. As for now, indulgence in heavy metal music has mostly become a personal pastime, and my only time in indulging them would be mainly during jogging days (when you need a fast song to jog for many clicks to ignore the lethargy that comes along with it). Other than that, mainly I have listened to good ol' rock and roll from Texas, LA, Memphis country rock and nice New Orleans' jazz mix. Strangely time has evolved me to the degree that even my musical inclination has changed and evolved my guitar playing as well. 

However, even with all these influences slowly gnawing away from the grip, my deep rooted resent towards societal conformity somehow still stayed within me, much to my distaste. Though subtle, I think there's still a part of me that yearns for anarchy (in very much different way now) - especially when it comes to work ethics and all those that matters to me. I have yet to see what will the end result during this one month break for me will be for me (and even if there's no result in the solitude attempt), I do hope that I find and discover more about the meaning in life.

Perhaps I will end this blog with a question for myself, and all you readers to reflect upon: as much as my writings reveal the state of confusion I have as a personal being, what are the things that sometimes lead to your confusion and how often are you able to reconcile your confusion with a resolution? 

[Prologue of Daily Journal of July 2013]

Prior to the planned one month 'retreat' into the solitude of life that I have set myself upon (in this coming month of July), I have thought of plenty plans to come out with to occupy them, including doing things of which I have dreamt of doing, and yet unable to fulfill due to the lack of time at my work place. Many a time, I wondered what it meant to have more free time and catch my breath on things that I have left behind for years. My conscience, my liberty, my faith, my pace – there were much of these things that mattered to me that went awry.

I remembered once as a student during my third year in my university life, I actually took a deliberate turn away from the usual buzz in life as a hostelite and also a student to remain in solitude. In that instance I met up with a bunch of friends willing to share my heart and mind in a more intimate way. Somehow or rather, things became quite the opposite of what I expect. Realization of the deepest scar of which I have engraved myself throughout the years start to surface, and the revelation of some very deep rooted resentments I have towards various part of my life starts to beg and even struggled for survival in deep roots away into the darkness. It saddens me till this day how much I have wallowed myself in the same guilt and shame that I used to exhibit now and then (even before the time when I have the revelation) thinking that a snippet of reflection would awaken in me a soul of contempt and humility. The fear at night some days, especially when you are all alone in the highest floor of the building, with your own mind and soul left in solitude, you wondered if the isolation from the pace of life and the crowd meant anything to you. I personally find some of those days enchanting, especially when there’s a temptation to figure out the fact of life that you finally find something that you have lost for quite a while. However, if I were to be honest to myself to reflect on those days, I believe that I could have done much more to recuperate rather than letting those days die in youth. Much to the chagrin of ‘productivity’ I ended up bemusing myself as a teenage dirtbag, being sacrificed by the ‘non-conformity’ of the societal standard. Heck, I actually loved the idea of ‘Conformity Destruction’ as the title of my debut album once.

Nevertheless, now that I think about life in a deeper sense, I believe I should make the full use of solitude and being away from the pace of the work in order to get myself up again, to find the meaning of life once again. So in this entrée to the prologue, I would like to remind myself of what truly matters. Of course, being deliberate in the agenda takes disciplines because you can’t just come up with an objective and leave chances running on its own. I have started to appreciate the fact that ‘feeling’ is never a good compass guide. Agenda, especially those that you have truly assessed yourself well enough to know your true potential and what you truly prayed for and wanted to achieve – that remains as the most important cursor to dictate in life.

I was once told by a few of my good friends (having the luxury of one or two that really matters to me – seems to be sufficient to walk through life especially when misery sipped in like hyena encroaching around the darkness) that keeping record in journal format may have been a good idea to start penning down the thoughts, making it deliberate everyday while exploring and understanding yourself more. I used to think of that idea not only as absurb, but also obscene because it appears voyeuristic sometimes. Especially the fact that I have to reveal parts of my life to a book of which could sometimes reveal the darkest burn mark on parts of my naked body seems rather gross. However, in appreciating the fact that scars could one day be turned for glory, I realized how much important it is to pen these thoughts, such that when days come by and I need to see myself in the mirror again, these thoughts penned down could be a turning point for the better. 

[reflection]: as time goes...

I have written quite a fair bit about my political affiliation of recent notes, mainly because of whatever the endeavors that I have experienced since young has shaped my worldview and how I migrated those views now that I am in a country that is not of my birth place. Though as time goes I have grown to love this country where I am staying more and more, I still feel a little sense of nostalgia towards the struggles that I have endured since young.

My participation in Facebook posts have been rather frequent and even on the recent note seems to indicate a diversion from my usual self-banishing attitude towards a rather violent bashing on the present government and the corruption that laid his hands on the present government in Malaysia. For those that have been reading up news online - I am pretty sure whatever I say makes a lot of sense, taking those things in context.

I am very worried, however, about my state of mind when I tend towards that, because the self-righteousness of myself really will get into the way of mine. To be honest, because of the oscillating emotions that rise and fall from my end, I tend to think a little too much - and my mind has not been able to take it well. Currently, I have forgotten much of the priorities and the commitment between myself and my girlfriend that she is a little upset about my overtly involvement in work and in my point of view about politics.

One article refreshed my mind and pulled me down to my knees. Probably because of my understanding of the context behind the story I have a rather emotional experience reading the chapter. From Philip Yancey's most acclaimed literature of our time, 'What's so amazing about grace?' probably wrote a lot about politics and how we should respond as a Christian with much poignancy that holds dear in my heart more than any other books. Probably because I have a soft spot for his writings, I tend to give a lot of credit to some of his personal experience and writings as well. The one chapter that brought me down to my knees would be 'A Home for Bastards: A Story', written in Chapter 11. I would like to put up the entire story in its entirety - but for copyright purposes, I decide that it would be good to leave it at that. 

Nevertheless, the whole experience of reading reminds me of looking onto the higher ground, that whether the opposition would really topple the government and claim their corruption and racism as the root of evils, and that our country will have to start from bottom up again - that remains to be seen. But one good realization from the opposition side: the present government wins not just because of the dirty tricks they ploy onto (blackouts, additional votes boxes, foreigners who were issued citizenship IC and discard them when voting is over, etc...) but also because of their exposure towards the rural area and the ability to trick them by bribing them with money to support them. Opposition now knows that the Malaysia belongs not only to all the ethnics in Malaysia, but also for rich and poor, young and old. True, because of the reality of what the present government can do - many have risen up against the odds of losing to the government - yet the poor were remained as the lost souls. They are not that well equipped with internet services to see all the latest alternate news about what the present government is capable of. They could only see through the mainstream media, of which has been manipulated due to media propaganda act. Worst still, ministers like to go their to boost their ego as they are accepted as good ministers. 

In either way, either still believing that the present government will repent; or that the opposition coalition will be able to topple the government - I genuinely struggled with my identity as Christian to address to this issue. Daily, with the imminent struggles I will face at work (with my management continually pushing my ethical judgment to grey areas), I could not live up with the fact that I have lived a complicated life not knowing how much of these matters to me. And just when I thought that next year I will be planning on the marriage - my present work has prompted me to rethink and consider full-time ministry as an option to serve God - and yet my mind couldn't make sense of all the different walks in my life that has bugged me.

Perhaps I am in the state of confusion too as I write, but writing out my confusion is better than keeping it down and letting it simmer. Otherwise, as time goes, I am genuinely concerned on my mental health. Already I have not been able to have good healthy head every day: I struggle with migraines each day.

Would this be a sign of a break to take? I have planned my July as my retreat month, and to reconsider my career re-alignment. Is this then the right time?

My Lord, in my confusion, take them. Thank you for ministering and listening to me. God, now teach me to listen to you, in whatever what that you would.
In Jesus' name I pray: Amen.

[statement]: what's our stand on social justice?

I am a foreigner, sojourning in a foreign country that I have idealised since young, hoping to not only find freedom, but also free will respected and given space for pursuit of dreams. In the pursuit of dream, I have found much about self and what I am defined by. Yet even in that journey, I have discovered much about the self-centred pursuit that left me hanging by the thread of self-righteousness that, in turn, is a mediocre piece of amateur art, of which indies claimed to be a 'great' art that has little value in wider exposure.

In that pursuit, I found myself misunderstanding the great ideals that forefathers of faith and justice have strongly endowed, and even to the point of risking their lives in fighting for the ideals. When young, I felt ashamed for these ideals because of the sacrifice of their lives given to believe in 'A Better Tomorrow'. Even in the teaching of my faith, reading on the fact that I must lose this life in order to gain an eternal life sounds too detached from the worldly philosophy, 'Seek thy will above all, ye brethens of the 21st century. Let not the benefit of ideals prostrated you to lose. With all mights, hold onto your life, even in the face of adversities against these ideals, for you will not have a safe and comfortable journey'. 

Yet, at the back of my head each night as I sleep, I wonder if life is worth living just because I live. Somehow, the perspective that I matters more than the rest of the people in the world seems so ridiculous. It was a painful ordeal each day to think as well - especially when you thought that you are the most important person in your company (of which you think you own the company), only to find out that there are better people outside in the same industry that proved your worth is no more than a fly's honor. 

That's pretty saddening, and it took events like this to slowly mold me to learn the simple meaning of 'Letting Go'. 

In such instances, I was deeply reminded by the forefathers of my faith, who in the name of social justice, fought for the rights of equality of humanity across races and nationality, and deeply reminded of the justice to serve those who violates. Ironically, I used to step on the sides of morally questionable decisions - and realising to my horror the deep embedded resentments these victims have towards the decisions made, just because I want to get rid of them as liable commodities. 

The recent hypes in Malaysia Election on 5th May perhaps may have abound to this sentiments I have, and perhaps, for the first time, I decide, that enough corruption and enough selfish pursuit of comfortability. This may have been the right time to start all over again, as a common citizen, living on equal ground of rights as the rest of the people, without forcing pursuit of happiness and ideals, and live as commoners with the rest for the sake of harmony.

This is a statement of a child of a politician in my home country, of which I have thrown all the benefits to become an online activist. Signing out. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Created from a fictional character in my head for a few weeks, in reflecting about a third-person-role of a son of a fame politician back in my country. This dream has been with me for a while, and therefore I thought about writing it down as a form of self-expression.)

In addition, I have written an article about what I believe in Facebook page. 
I am not sure if you are able to read my profile, so I hereby attach the link:

https://www.facebook.com/ren.kang.1?ref=tn_tnmn

You can add me in Facebook too if you wish so. God blesses you and thanks for reading.

[reflection]: what is life without a fight?

It is in such moments, when conversations that touch beyond mere formality - breaking norms and provoking paradigms, that give rooms to character development. And I now believe (albeit a bit late) that conversations make huge differences, whenever it may be by God's grace.

I had a rather uneasy re-initiation of my counselling session back with my counsellor (officially because the previous meeting we had recently was just an update of what I have been doing for the past year). To be frank, in allowing myself to be revealed once more in that deep seated setting, with all my insecurities let down naked for someone to see can be quite dissonant. However, after 4 years of knowing him, I somehow had a better grasp of the character of my counsellor and therefore felt that even through the stark nakedness, something beautiful can be made out of that obscenity.

A lot has been talked about in the session, and much secrets were also revealed in the course of the reflection. They are rather intimate and personal, and I will leave it in the future to address them in the form of adaptation (a veiled confession that is more refined with dramatic embellishment). However, the main intention is to take home the lesson learned at each point of the journey, akin to lamp-post that is built together with Elijah, or someone influential along the way - to eventually arrive Home, a place where I could meet the Master and say, "Thank You for Your mercy to allow me to live to see You."

Along the conversation, I kept toying around the idea of 'lamp post', ironically when the setting in the counselling session reminds me of 18th century study room. When you have dim warm light lamp lighted up around the corners, and you see books around no difference from those that are of higher education, I was prompted immediately to discuss life as a spiritual enlightenment, like 'having lamp post along the way'. And that impromptu analogy stuck in my mind for a while, which I think deserve a write up.

I reflected upon my life and found that moments in the past, whenever I have reflections upon deep insights after talking with godly people (my counsellor being the main person contributes, though many other spiritual saints walked me through from time to time) - I would build a lamp post along the path, letting light reflecting the harsh road around the lamp post. Sometimes the reflection of the lights revealed more that is required, like a huge stone, or a grave-looking gutters of which you found the source of the foul smells. In parallel living, these people revealed a lot of the deeper roots of evil that is either around you that you may not have noticed has it not their enlightenment, or you may have detected foul play in your daily walk in life, only to find out that the unwanted character that you exhibit originated from a certain event triggered that is suppressed in the heart too long not to have been revealed. 

In the journey of walking in faith, these lamp post proved to be life-savers at time, for which though you may see the rockiness of life, you at least appreciate the fact that you are leading up to somewhere. Builders do not remain alone, therefore there are always people along side to move you along to guide you through, just like building a lamp post, it always lead you somewhere. More importantly, when there's new chapters in life, there are always signpost that gives you direction of whom you can continue partnering with.

The catch here though, is when the signpost points you to somewhere that, like two roads diverging - you have to choose based on the judgment. And whatever that comes out from that judgment determines the kind of life you will have. 

For the past year, I have chosen a path that gradually lead me into darkness. When you start to lack the resource, like a builder lacking, you decide to stretch your limit of distance of lighting coverage. As you go further, you gradually were blinded by the darkness, especially when the condition of the road that you are travelling no longer seems as rocky as how it seemed when you first see. This is the path of descent that I have talked with my counsellor at length, and it took considerable level of mystical visions to put me in a jam-brake, and tell myself that enough is enough. I need to turn back.

I now realized that the slippery slope of the darkness is not the lack of light shining onto the rocky path, rather it is the gradual comfort one feels when he/she sees lesser rocky path along the way. Subsequently the path seems smoother according to the traveller and it deemed as a good journey. Sometimes the darkness allowed a imitation of identity, because you can cloak yourself in darkness, thus hiding your true self while posing yourself hypocritically to people just to appease to people's heart. I guess one very important step of understanding the darkness is that dark doesn't allow reflection, while light reflects and reveal. 

When we were ending the discussion, my counsellor did make a comment about the lifelong journey towards recovery that I initiated. Somehow, the inner thought of mine revealed his role in my life akin to a service engineer, who came to my rescue despite my conflicting selves at war. And in that conflict, I envision a spark that light up a fire, fighting against darkness to reveal the truth about me. For very weird reason, because of such sharing I actually mentioned that 'what is life without a fight?'. Very candidly I played along the thought of fighting because I always liked stories like Rocky, The Fighter, Against All Odds - boxer movies because they have the element of going through difficult times, difficult partnership and difficult opponents. But what stood them all together is knowing that every good end comes from a hard-end fight. 

It may have been a long fight for me, after so long (especially during the one year almost absence in my blogging habit), but I felt that now the fight has just begin, and may turn ugly at times too. Pray that at some point of time, like a fire that light the lamp post along my journey, may these fire be the spark that reminds me of the journey I commit since the first day I devoted my life to Jesus.

[short note]: a correspondence's beginning

I had a recent correspondence via email with my Japanese advisor, who used to share with me all his knowledge in R&D during my years in Panasonic. I remembered at a period of time, I was attached there for half a year, and thus forging a bond with him.

Till this day, he is still my revered senior in workplace, and to be honest, he is the only one person who I know who maintained integrity in the midst of the work life and still manage to be accountable to work despite business ethics. For some point of time I felt sad that a person of his statute should still be very much on the directorial position, but he rather stayed on as research engineer, unofficially given a title 'Advisor' by us due to his occasional idiosyncrasies. Still I missed him a lot, and perhaps I think it would be nice to reveal the correspondence that I have with him here:

___________________________________________________________________________

From Me to Mr. Suzuki,

Dear Mr. Suzuki,

Greetings. This is Ren.

How much time flies since my first day of work here in my present company,
and that at the present moment while I am still reflecting: 2 years have
passed so fast. As a good old saying goes, "Time waits for no man". I have
often wondered how you have been, but perhaps the proscastinating habit of
mine caused me to delay of penning my thoughts. Now that time is starting
to be on my side, I believe it is high time to write a note of getting to
know how you have been.

I suppose that much has changed since my inclusion in the new company, and
from time to time I hear about the news of Panasonic Corporation. Last I
heard, the Plasma Division is seeing end of life - by 2014, and partnership
between Sony and Panasonic is receiving heavy investment to expand OLED
business to compete with Samsung. Even those information gathered comes
from news articles from Fox News as it seems (in which I believe you also
would agree) that Singapore is not as enthusiastic on global business news
perhaps. Nevertheless, despite all, I hope that this mail finds you well
and greet you albeit the abrupt introduction to our 2-year-silence.

How have you been? Are you still currently working for Panasonic? Last I
heard you have shifted to Optical Division (which was so many years back,
and I gathered this information from Edahiro-san - how is he by the way?).
Hope everything at work is still fine for you. I quite miss your occasional
rants about life and your perspective on technical expertise (which to much
credit you have definitely honed my skills to this day).

How about your family life? I suppose that your sons are by now working
full time in their respective fields (the elder being the studious one,
where else the younger one was, from what I known the last round - was a
Metallica fan, much to my curiosity). Are they coping well with the working
climate in Japan? With the under-performed economic landscape in Japan,
does it have any effect towards your two boys? Hope it doesn't cause too
much discomfort on your end.

I myself have moved beyond the technical part (though in part I am now a
technical advisor in my company - much to my discomfort due to the
political and ethical dilution to my jobscope) and start managing 12 of my
engineers in their different aspects. Of course, for the past 2 years I
have been dispatched in fields many times (working in various industry and
various places in Singapore) and started to share your sentiments when you
first told me of your impression in Singapore. To my consolation,
remembering your comment made feel that I am not the one left out of the
chagrin of the 'absurb lifestyle Singaporean exhibits'. Anyway, I am not
too keen in the position where I am, unless I am, again, dispatched to
fields, especially to many of the clients whom I have much interaction in
technical know how and also exposure in Pro-Sound industry. Oh by the way,
my company is starting to do Pro-Sound business, and we are doing churches
AV installation, some concert-level event set up, etc. I primarily am more
on the field of consultation and research in our lab on the various digital
mixing and amplification solutions - like Yamaha, Soundcraft, Digico, Allen
& Heath, JBL, etc. Still I feel that I quite miss days when I can do
research back in Key Module Laboratory, observing some circuits in
schematic on voltage drawn, taking notes and results from the USB HS 2.0
test and HDMI 1.3, optical test via playability. To be frank, occasionally
I would juggle my technical jargon through looking back at my reports of
findings, and some notes on servo performance with pleasure, reminiscing
those good memories.

Hope this is not too exhaustive for your information gathering about
myself. I will leave the personal stuff till later date, but for now guess
these are more than enough for your digestion.

Hope to hear from you soon.
___________________________________________________________________________

A reply from Mr. Suzuki:

Dear Mr. Ren,

Thank you for your email, which I managed to digest.  
I'm fine and still working for Panasonic with Mr. Edahiro in Advanced
Development Team in Kadoma.
But to our disappointment, our team soon faces the tactical dissolution
in a new better organization.

As you know Panasonic suffers big amount of losses these years
as well as most Japanese companies, including Sharp and SONY,
based on electronic products.

Yesterday Panasonic HQ announced that they had decided to take
emergency management measures, which consist mainly of cutting the employee's salary by at least 20% this year, Oh my God!

On my private side, fortunately my younger son just graduates in technology
from a university and decided to start working from this April.
Then I just gave a sigh of relief, after released from the burden of the tuition,
which costs approx.1.5 million jpn every year per student.

His working place may be in the eastern area in Japan, and my elder son,
who is the Metallica fan, already left my home to work.
Then soon I live only with my wife after all.

It's very good that you now work in areas you like, and I am very happy
to hear from you that my advice may be of any help to your career as a engineer.

Lastly I have to inform you that I will quit my service for Panasonic until
at the end of this year.
I have no definite idea at this moment, but I have many things I want to do.

Also I have to visit Singapore in the meantime to clear off my property
I failed to carry back when I left there???

___________________________________________________________________________

Correspondence with him reminds me of the first time I met him, and cherished memories of my solitude in Japan (Osaka) along with many of those nice colleagues I ever had, to have those chilly autumn together - along with my Japanese friends who I met during a church service.

Sometimes, it really takes the first step in initiating conversation to rekindle the memories of good. And I believe that is what happened to my heart that longs for God, every moment - yet procrastinating. Perhaps. Perhaps...

[reflection]: What killed the dream, the tainted living

In reflection of my childhood, and looking through the glass of terror – of which succumbing to the evil and all of the roots of the worldly living, a sudden gash of emptiness filled the heart with sorrow.

For the first of the longest time, I dreamt of life that has higher heights, of which all dreams fulfilled are of the wish of the master who grants the living a chance of freedom, without vigil and spurring doubts. That freedom as light and so clumsy should I thread through life without a worry.

And when I thought of how kindness has left the world, and competition has instilled fear among many of us to reach to the peak, killing many in the process – I remembered there was a time when friendship has no boundaries, where I could easily trust people with their naivety and constant companionship, where we all sit and enjoy the company without any let ups.

I dreamt of honesty in relationship, and that I could reveal all the truth of my life without being judged. I dreamt of moments of which companionship allowed me to question my doubts, and having someone gently kindled the spirit of discernment of life and giving me, at least, the wisdom to live through life knowing that someone cares for the real me.

Kindness has left me, grace was replaced by the fear and anxiety of winning and law of deserving merits. What begins from humanity has now been replaced by the pecking orders of productivity. Life no longer matters solely on companionship and the fulfillment of the entire being – it can be dissected and organized like a cabinet, fully utilized and making the best of every section of the individual. Heart, body and soul finally could be differentiated. The law of meritocracy, of which all of us are by-products of our survival in this world – to be the crème de la crème.

Of life endures, we have put life in the line of efficiency – that which life means more when we have so-and-so, getting the latest gadgets, comparing with our peers of what that matters more – position in workplace, high salary, good family background, great friends who have contacts with benefits one individuals. Then materialism sipped into the crowd as a means of humanity value – that which one’s worth in the societal standing is represented by what he achieved and how much he earned to have them.

And thus the sadness beguiled further that humanity is devalued into a commodity, that if you don’t have anything, you are casted aside as the scums of the society, that which charity, of which so often is a word abused to mean ‘higher-standing-people coming down to feed the poor’, and that you earn your living day-to-day seeking simple fulfillment, to be scorned by society for being ‘lazy’.

Many of us have come to agree that in order to achieve the ‘United Dream’ we have chosen the pursuit of happiness that can be fulfilled by ‘achievement of doing’, rather than being. That which many of the pictures uphold by the ‘Dream’ was actually an illusion of the appearance, that sealed the matters of the heart. Many have then lost in the way of pursuit, forgetting the purpose of true happiness, and buying happiness in different means. Temptation allowed them to fulfill sinister desires, of which sadly – I have become a product of one myself.

There was a time, when simple relationship flourished on the account of sharing and bearing, of hoping that dream as simple as ‘being a musician for God’ is never laughed at with scorn – but chuckled in adoration for the purest of fulfilling the dream. How wishful is such a dream, as now with so many path and so many competition in life, you have forgotten of which is the fulfillment of the dream anymore. Study the arts of scales, get to understand music of different generation, play music that speaks pop to the ears of many, don’t sing songs that you like – try to discern what the crowd wants now – they sing R’nB, drug and love songs. Sell sex – this will get to where you want to be.

There are dreams we often wished we could fulfill, but the dreams of which has sadness engulfed us again and again as the reality sinks in, you decide – why even bother pursuing the dream you dreamt as a child, full of gracious and naïve thought?

Yet – as I sleep over besides a lady who I don’t even bother thinking about, thinking of getting what I need to get the position of my corporate management that I require, to seal a deal that I have yearned for years in order to buy a bigger house for the family, of which my daughter doesn’t even acknowledge as an effort to salvage the family now broken cause of my wife’s infidelity as an excuse that I have not spent time for the family – I wondered where is the childhood I once had, where I believe God has given the gift of music for me, of which I would play in simplicity believing that one day, my song matters to God after all.

Perhaps it is life that has killed this dream that I used to dream, and would I have said that no more of this matter anymore, that tomorrow I will still walk the path of unrighteousness, to get what I need to buy a better house to fill the empty souls of my wife and my daughter. Perhaps it would be me that killed the person who used to believe in righteousness even in simple living, that even in poverty I believe I could walk out of this path, believing in the Providence. Perhaps, after all the evil thought and deeds that I have committed willingly in order to get to where I want, I would toss around on bed, remembering the naivety of myself looking up in heaven and wishing that the Father who has once accepted me as the child of God, who has allowed the killing of the Son by all of us who wished Him dead because of the pursuit of ‘United Dream’  - to be forgiving and change my heart once more, the one rotten with many worms of selfishness and greed. Perhaps I could look into the woman that I loved once, who I have promised to share the dream of simplicity ‘till-death-does-us-part’, of which now I couldn’t see her face-to-face because of my lust fulfillment outside of marriage – to sit down and cry humbly and sit down together with her again, to give her the freedom to decide if the relationship is worth another try again.

It may have been me all along, the self-centred soul, who has compartmentalizing the whole scene, and that it may have been me who has lost the direction after all. Perhaps my dream may not matter anymore, perhaps.

Would there be a change of heart for me, to at least learn honesty to grief of my grievous sins – and that I start anew by saying, ‘Have mercy on me, God?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Adapted confession of a sinner who broke down after listening to Fantine’s ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ of the original soundtrack of ‘Les Miserables’. 

[short note]: grief - how difficult it is to go through

Whenever I come to a certain location, and I happened to see the remnant of the back-image of a person I used to date, grief comes to me - uninvited and stronger.

Sometimes the paralysis caught me off-guard, considering the fact that I have actually moved on with another lady who I have wanted to see as my future wife. We are in the middle of deciding.

But the strong urge to rekindle, like an unfinished business - left me dangling.

God, I have sinned.

Have mercy... 

[memoir]: Simplicity demands…

Perhaps in our deepest regrets that we have forged along the way, we may unknowingly induced in our own acceptance of self-conceit and continually think that it is in our weakness that caused the circumstances to flow not in the favor of what we have been given with. 

As time goes, I believe such occurrence becomes to many a means of avoidance and an escape away from the challenges to strive better and continue the pursuit of greater good. Sometimes we may have contemplate to give up and to give in, since in the simplicity of our weakened mind we may have thought that it is easier to give in, and to lose.

Before I continue on to illustrate and ponder on the reflection, I would like to express my gratitude to you readers, especially those to whom I have directed my blog post to for years of accountability and keeping me in prayer throughout – that I would really like to thank you guys for continual reading and hoping that recovery’s on the way to a better life and better improvement in whatever I am doing. It is in knowing that my life matters to you guys that made me continue to where I am this day, to continue still writing my reflections despite the difficult circumstances of which of now I am more concentrated upon. Work and relationship have been fulfilling but not eternally rewarding as the mental strength and the concentration have slowly decayed my spiritual element that pulls me back to God each day in the darkness of my soul. So, with all gratitude and respect I would sincerely thank you, wherever you are – to have continued to pray for me and keep me company for so long in your prayer requests, whenever God provides the time for you.

{chapter 2: the work}

Perhaps the greatest struggles that I would have the most in life is on the work place, and whatever we give to the work revealed the priority that we have set in life – which almost encompasses the general concept of life that we uphold. In this regard I would believe we all fail at some instances and do well to contemplate on making a difference in at least simple steps of striving towards a better good. However, what actually astounds many people (myself inclusive) is the fact that despite the weaknesses we exhibit, we act as if the mistakes are actually fallen off the cliff from someone else, rather than admitting that we are part of the big picture.

I have learned, first of all in the work place ethics, that whatever we have ideally uphold during our schooling in engineering ethics that ethics would not work in practical sense of holding the responsibility in the real world, however generic this may sound. Though stereotypical, the key idea in success in the work place, unfortunately, is not to conduct briefings/discussions or meetings in order to mutually agree on a solution to curb immediate concerns and propose preventive measures, but rather taking advantages of willing parties who happen to have stronger sense of responsibility and let them clean off the dust of the dirt that you face in the work place. I have seen too much of such practices in the field work, especially when people below me were not only accountable to me but also to many other parties who happen to care little of the interest of my subordinate but more on their income and the stability of their salary. In the end, unfortunately these people are the ones that gain recognitions and move forward as the pioneers of good work, whilst those left behind (who of course did all the field work) happened to be relatively unknown and remained as such.

I sometimes took pity in them, and much as I could, I try to uphold them and give them credit in the workplace whenever possible. The least that I can do is to put more recognition emphasis on them during performance appraisal and such, but never did I thought that in the eyes of management, they have already selected a few that they wish to develop and cultivate to be the next managerial elect. Those that ‘by favor’ are left behind would remain as such and continue despite the best effort of these subordinates. In unfairness the management judged them poorly (‘Their best is not enough for the company’). Unfair, huh?

I feel sad at times, that whenever I tried to push forward for them, some did not cherish the effort of us the team leads, and continual to press wounds over the pain that we felt as the middle management. There are those who definitely appreciate it, but understood too well the impending doom of such futile effort. A few chose to leave because of the unfairness, some remained because this is the only work they know to be safe and stable.

With good works it doesn’t mean that they pay off well. My team lead partner and myself find a lot of difficulties trying to hold true to ethical means of work, rather than letting management have their say over what they think is right (which usually will deplete my people many a times). What actually felt worse off is the fact that sometimes in order to achieve something good in eventual outcome, we have to succumb to client’s outrageous demands in order to make things work. Some of the demands that clients have really caused me many disturbance, but knowing that they are the pay-master, I could only oblige and follow their request.

Some nights I find it difficult to sleep with my eyes closed and my heart at ease. When the work worn me out it is sad that I have to find solace in sinful activities in order to numb my feelings of guilt and shame. I have missed so much the company of my cell group members (all being now fathers and mothers, with kids running around the house brightening the mood). The church offered little, but each week coming to church the fellowship still brings the freshness of God’s admonishment into my life. Sunday’s usually the day that I felt genuinely at ease and comforted. Come Monday, the whole bleakness sets in again.

I now see the dirty ethics practiced in the work place as a reminder that the work place bears the remnants of the Human Fall. God has given the work for us, for our good and for the benefit of the Relationship with the Trinity, but because of the liberty of our freedom, we chose to disobey and ruin the beauty of the fellowship. In subsequent unfortunate events, the work place bears remnants of the failure more than the beauty of work. I hardly see the work as a possibility of ‘fulfilling the dream’ that we wished since young. Those who actually admonished on the media propaganda that, “My job is like my dream come true” felt like a sarcasm in the face of reality. Not that it would happen, but the hardship and the compromise that comes along – those are hidden under the carpet so that people idolize the path of ‘self-worship’. It saddens me to see that we have denigrated our sense of justice to mere survival of the fittest in order to have a roof under without a drip of guilt. Sad perhaps, that we do not bother about the wellbeing of our neighbors anymore, and not letting the guilt pangs over us without a hinge of conscience running over our rotten heart every night. Sadder even, that we have degraded our sense of humanity that is given by God in the level more appropriately described the kingdom of animals rather than human.

To be honest, the degrading of my heart speaks a lot like the above, and I wondered many times if I can be forgiven because of the guilt I continue to exhibit and trying to let it hide under the carpet without letting it surface again. Many times when people sought advises from me (sometimes even my girlfriend would discuss with me the conditions of both of our work place), I would have given ideal and pragmatic answers that perhaps try to under play the ingrained dirt that will possibly come out. Though the advice is found to be fruitful and meaningful, somehow I find it difficult to live through the pain each night, thinking if I have committed the sinful act of ignorance.

{chapter 2: the friendship}

Perhaps the work place has not been forgiving to consider my life beyond work. After all, almost 90% of the time that I have had been dedicated to work, and much to chagrin of many – I hardly remember if there’s any friend I ever have outside workplace. The recent event – of which I helped for as a guitarist for my friend’s wedding, gave me the opportunity to meet up with many old friends from my old hometown (of which I credit to some as the reason why I had this blog initially. They have stopped using since, but as stubborn as I was, I still use Xanga and still find a community strong enough to allow me to move on). I guess time have changes everything. No more were the old let ups and the sarcastic remark that says how I was: a crybaby, a mischievous, a failure, etc. Now, they may have forgotten how I look and how I behave (many of them were saying: Oh gosh, you look so different, so much better looking, better composed!). Though I took pride in them, the thing that hurt me more were the distance that I felt as the old friend. Now within their sense of community, they chat among themselves, and I was perhaps ‘the guitarist hired to play’, and no more.

The sense of kinship among my friends, both old and new, has lost its initial warmness. I used to depend a lot on my friends whenever in sadness (especially during the days of my rebellions with my parents at the younger age), and so many were shared. Though they always spurt nonsensical jerk curses over each other (me usually being at the end of the butt jokes), I know that they were naïve at their age. I harbored hatred too at some of my friends for denigrating me, but as times go, I have learned to be contrived and forgiving in small and simple steps.

But perhaps in the statement above, whatever I have said, the statement above bore a sense of self-righteousness that may have caused the alienation towards my friends to this date. I don’t have long-term friends, and I could only state a few. Those that really stick with me do not stick because of my good deeds and traits. To be fair, I can be annoying to them at times and even offensive. I remembered a few of bitter exchange in a remote area about my hatred towards the world and my own self that my good friend Peter had to ‘wake me up’ from my sense by scolding rather than encouragement. To be honest, if it wasn’t for that scolding, I might still be in my own world contemplating suicide and other immature reflections. Still those are rare (and a few indeed) and that I am still in my own nutshell not willing to move out from where I was, and at times still yearn for friendship, despite the very fact that I ‘dispose’ some.

I felt guilty and equally shameful that of all the respite, I still behave as if it doesn’t really matter if the friends around me matter. And beginning with recognizing the hurt I have imparted to people, I am learning to let go of the hurt I felt, and start moving on by treating people with equal respect. I am very glad that a few of my good friends still keep in touch with me. And in that respect, I will have to decide to move forward, however small they can be. In little baby steps perhaps.

[short reflection]: as joseph did, so must i...

Reading Genesis 42 to 44 makes the heart felt convicted, for more often I resembled Judah more than Joseph. With a wicked heart I may have killed my brother by leaving him in a lurch, and like Reuben, though I may speak of conviction, I have no strength to stop, and letting the evil prevails while standing there watching.

And what convicted the heart more is the resemblance of the mercy Joseph undertook when he heard the confession of Judah, to finally after years of evil and contempt, decided to confess and to sacrifice himself. And Joseph revealed his identity, amid the dramatic expression in forms of tears and admonishment.

"You may have intended it for evil, but God intended it for good, and it is for God's sake that I have stood here to rule over Egypt so that the generations of Israel may find solace in the midst of the famine".

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. If I do not spare even my own Son, who in obedience learned about the sufferings of mankind, and once for all paid due the sacrifice for the forgiveness of you all, who shall be against you?"

Perhaps in the cross, when Jesus died for all our sins, we do well to think over the kindness of God and the mercy He has given us. Despite our lack of humility and our continual habitual sin, God comes so close, in a form of human face - to show us an emotion for our reflection.

Therefore, my child, go... and sin... no more...

Reflections of Gospel of John, Hebrews, and Genesis.