[poem]: the evidence of life

once a sprout,
in the midst of valleys,
with gentle wind breezing through.

the simple plant grew,
among the weeds and dry grass,
overlooking the scenery of clear sky above.

naivety is the way of living,
for the plant thought that weeds are friends,
dry grass could hang around together as shoots.

as each grew,
some needs to give way,
the source of water underneath the same.

poor plant,
out of compassion he gave way,
thinking perhaps weeds and grass grew dryer.

the weed remained thin,
the dry grass remained dry,
but they kept asking for more.

and so the plant,
tried to rationalize,
knowing that giving is helping.

no appreciation,
no consideration for neighbors,
the weeds and the grass lived on carelessly.

poor plant,
dryer it became,
sulkier it became.

one day,
part of plant grew yellow,
water seemed hard to flow.

and conveniently,
weeds and grass blamed the plant,
thinking that plant took it all selfishly.

plant used to be forgiving,
thinking that these childish neighbors,
didn't know much about compassion and giving.

but now,
with evidence of life losing,
plant decided to boot out of the valley.

several days later,
only remained grass and weeds,
each blaming the other for being selfish.

while the remnants of plant,
brownish layers of limbs remained,
parched and dried on the valley filled with rocks.

--------------------------------------------------

Update:

Would it be fair to think that we all have times when we would give up being nice people, and start sacrificing ourselves to death? I had a hard time thinking about this, but I often felt the same when I talk with my housemates. It is a sad fact of life, I suppose, but I often felt stifled to think how to encourage my friends who faced the problem that I am facing - in which we all do not have a solution for ourselves?

I cried to God, to think how bad life was, and how much I think He should come to the earth and to destroy humanity. But instead, He descends into our soul, build temple in our heart, and let the Holy Spirit dwells in us. Whether or not we are faithful. That is a very sad fact that I thought about. God actually chose us as ambassadors of His grace. And yet we dispense this gift with such mockery.

I struggle with sexual temptation, and eagerness for relationship. I often wondered, how much of that matters to God. But when I realized that He is already in our heart, and I start to realize the immense blasphemy I had committed each time I commit a sin. It is like defecating at the altar of God, or slaughter a human to defile the altar. When I think of that image, I was perpetually petrified.

Then strangely, I remembered Jesus' admonishments to the Twelve when little children comes to Him, as if protocol didn't matter. Like a spouse/child, Jesus mingled with them without considering whether these kids are defiled or not.

It was there that I realized the meaning of Grace. God allowed a defecating worship despite His probable despise over it. While we were yet sinners, God has died for us. Jesus took the blasphemy we shout at Him, regardless of any generation, so that one day we could only look into His wounds with immense feeling of guilt and remorse. And that guilt is godly, I suppose.

I remember my recent interest in a girl that I like at work. Our friendship developed fast and a bit too much (a week's old, and we talked with each other at least 1~2 hours whenever we meet/on the phone). Every night, I thought about the relationship, it felt as if I am defiling the altar of God within my heart, because I thought of friendship with her as being ungodly.

I struggle with the friendship everyday. Honestly, we didn't talk much personal things, except about work, school, family background (that's pretty personal I suppose), but I hate to see myself trying to justify my friendship. But strangely, Elijah told me, and I felt that it is OK too... to maintain friendship with her.

I am conflicted, yet whenever I look at the cross, I could only tell myself, "Lord... I am weak. But I am also evil. I took the nails and nailed You on the cross too... I am sorry."

Meanwhile, she is interested in Christianity, but needed time to read up about Christianity. And she is more of a Chinese person. Perhaps I should recommend my church youth pastor Wendy... perhaps...

Oh... I cannot do this myself...

P/S: Thanks guys for reading, and commenting. Sadly I have been busy with work (almost clocking 12 ~ 13 hours everyday, including Saturdays), but I am blessed to know you guys still care. I am sorry if I cannot get back to you guys, but I will soon. Anyway, I have tendered my resignation. I will talk more about it the next time.

[personal & conviction] finding love...in strange circumstances...and controlling it

I guess, when you are about mid-20s, you are also wondering if you are able to get someone who can remain as your partner for life. And it is true to say that sometimes, it can get a bit over-the-heat.

I prayed a prayer that was very bleak. Not sure about the humility, but it was my honest self. I told God, I am letting go. With all that I can think of, I just don't want to think and consider.

On my birthday, when I am about to settle some claims for my recent overseas trip (China and Japan), I happen to be interested on the new claim cash accountant.

 

Honestly, I don't think this is right, and I have talked to trusted friends about this. And as much as I felt the intense strong attraction, I know I shouldn't be entertaining those emotions. And the fact that she was also friendly to me gave me a sign to take note of the pace.

So I think, I told myself, distance is important. Because - before you get into a relationship you need to know the person well enough.

I told myself, I am going to have a smart girlfriend, who walks with God, and being faithful to His Words.

 

But I don't know about her as of now well enough. And I am struggling.

 

A good friend suggested that if I cannot handle the friendship FIRST, then don't bother reciprocate the emotions. It will lead to disastrous effect. Honestly, I went through that... with my ex. 3 days of bullet train.

Another suggested that as of what he sees of me, he knows I am on a wreak journey. My work recently escalates to immense pressure, and I have to persist myself to work on weekends. That gives me a strong reason why this recent attraction is like a dose of ecstasy - a temporal hiding from the reality.

 

I think they are true. And I want to ask that I would be helped. Because attractions really do happen.

 

Lord, I don't think I can really get into a relationship with her yet. She is a really nice girl, but I am not sure if she is meant to be as a gift for me. With all that is happening now, I am not so sure that I could get attached. But I treasure her as a person, so I decide to give this emotions to You. But You know my indecisive heart. Just like a hypocrite, I could cite my prayers without a pang of conscience hit. And I assume I will do well.
I had enough of trying to clean up the outside. And I am struggling too to know that I like a person who I am not sure if she is sharing my belief (or that she could sincerely). So I pray this prayer. I submit my heart. And it is still not fully.

I know I am still holding back some. And I know that I am eager, as much as her, to call up every moment just to hear the voice. But the voice that I should hear is of You - through the 2 buddies who I love, through the Word that reminded about unequal yoke, through the examples of mixed marriage - most importantly through the example of my failure during my first. So... one day at a time, I need to learn to submit my heart - day by day. This is a struggle that I need to learn to TRUST and OBEY. Thank You Jesus.

 

I will talk with my counselor soon. He needs to hear this.

[personal] the october

every year, when i reach into the annuity of my coming into this world, i remembered the year that past through.

the reflection i had last year was extremely somber. i remembered my one-year into the broke up.

on my birthday, i spent my time in japan working till eleven pm and had my expired 100 yen chocolate croissant for my birthday dinner.

that week ahead, i cried inside my room at night on a cold Saturday. remembering that i am single as always.

 

this year, i looked at the year that passes me. from that night till tomorrow's night - what's going to change?

then, the sudden thought gripped into mine - reminiscing the pain of loneliness yet another time.

the girl that i had waited is no longer available, and those who i got attracted to at work were actually married with kids.

and i look at myself in the mirror earlier.

 

my sadness had reached beyond tears. the dried eyes looked into the sullen look of a guy who used to have his jovial smile.

i pitied myself, why do i kept on holding onto finding a relationship as the ultimate security of my life?

and gushes of emotions rush in my heart, with expression no one can fill in. with all those thoughts of belonging.

every night in my sleep. i dream about love, a girl i could hold. a woman i could cherish and hold. a lady who i can together grow old.

 

yesterday night, a prayer i said. lord, this is enough. i don't know why i cling to believe in you anymore.

i admit, i believe you because i know no matter how much you still would love me till the end.

and only if i could see the cross, just the cross in itself, i would be instantly reminded of your love.

after all the love that was given was unconditional, the highest esteem of love.

 

for all these i understand. and true, it was an abdication of love that i could never imagine.

but...

 

like a lost man, i now lose the sense. every week, going to church, seeing the church people being happy, talking with their love ones,

and i stood by the corner, hoping to have some light sessions - but eventually lonely at one corner. i said hi, nice to meet you, how's life and bye.

the saddest part is i come alone, i go back home alone. throughout the journey i am still alone. cell group members have decreased, and now...

and i serve in music and sound ministry. i did bass, guitar, tech and sometimes slide shows. and with those i am still pretty much alone.

 

i think about god yesterday. and i ask god.

god. i felt hurt. i need love so bad. i know i can only get it from you.

but will i remain as such? why is it difficult to be ready for the gift?

is it because i am still struggling with financial burdens, work commitment and my sexual addiction?

 

was it for the sake of my 'not-ready'-ness that got me into this shape of solitude?

yes, i am young, only 26, but god... i felt lonely since a kid.

mom and dad didn't understand me well, they tried. but they failed. and they rather let it be.

and every night, from young till old - i look at the mirror, trying to be better.

 

i dress up. i learn to fashion up. smell nicer. walk better. talk better. pose better.

be nicer. be friendlier. be happier. be smarter. be taller.

be compassionate. be affectionate. be reasonable. be non-judgmental.

be sensitive. be reliable. be conscious. be ready.

 

and i can never be those. in the end, i look at myself, and i am still not satisfied.

and sadly i never will. because i am sad with who i am now. very sad. very sad.

 

and i scold and scream and shout and laud at you, god.

why am i still alone?

 

several colleagues said that i was being too picky when i choose a girlfriend,

cause they think i am good looking and should not have any problem finding one.

but i am so scared to tell them, it is because i want to wait for god's timing for one.

and if only i could find one that i like. and i did. and i waited because i told myself the time wasn't right.

 

and my financial became worse. and my addiction became worse. and my work became worse.

and the girl became his. and these are according to your plan, lord.

 

and i felt sad.

and maybe you are right. she may not be for me. there's someone else.

 

but i give up. i am not going to find anyway. no point.

 

so this october. maybe. i will just...

let this wish be over.

maybe i will just learn to survive. that's all.

[work]: expectation

i learned something important today...

 

i had a manager who i admired a lot and also was kinda my mentor during the days when i need technical help.

today, i was explaining to him (out of advisory friendship) on my recent problem-study in work. i spend the entire saturday and half of my sunday to study with an attached engineer from china. that includes also my friday and my monday.

 

japan team was quite impressed with china's progress on problem study. that is a huge plus point: considering how japan and china had quite a strained relationship in any field, regardless.

so i was quite emotionally affected when this manager in my working place actually had differing point of view.

 

he was expecting a 100% problem solving within the trip. knowing fully well that we have pending technical difficulties that need longer time.

and i kept him accountable, not because he is in charge of my work progress. i simply let him know as a friend, what i am doing.

 

his words are hurtful and demeaning. very intolerable. and scolded at my inability to complete.

knowing well that no one else in the entire company would want to acquire the responsibility to improve.

 

i am angered. i am hurt, but most of all, i am disappointed.

such a friend. such a remark. such a letdown.

 

it took me a trip back home, to sit in front of my study desk, to realize: no point arguing.

i felt hurt. but if what i am doing is to feed into his expectation of 100% problem solving, then i think there's no point.

 

and the expectation brought me to mind something that i wrote while i was in japan, towards my last day in my recent japan trip:

"gratitude comes from defeat of a purpose, and surrendering that purpose, letting go, and let opportunity knocks."

 

i think, we all are grumpy at times because we want people to do it our way, without remembering how the other people do it to achieve the way they did.

and when they cannot do what we expect, we would blame their inefficiency and eventually expressed our letdown to them.

 

in the midst of my anger towards the manager my friend, i too have expectation on him. i expect him to understand my predicament.

already i am tired for working non-stop for 10 full days (except sunday, which is half-day), with my attached engineer doing the same to solve the problem to the best we could.

 

with me expecting him to understand our tiredness, and him expecting us to be perfectionists,

that's where i guess the communication breaks down. i hated him, and he is unhappy with my progress.

 

however, now that i think about it, i have drawn up expectation that was eventually not met.

and instead of letting that go, i let that subdue in my heart. i hated him.

 

so, with now i realize that, i decide - let him be unhappy.

i will show with the result, my best, to him. whether he likes it or not.

 

i decide, to consciously tell myself: my work is accountable only to God alone.

the world may tell me that i did a shitty, half-hearted work. they may say, if i really did just that.

 

but i will not hold back my effort. i will press on. i will also give myself the rhythm to rest.

so that in each of these phase, i will answer to God. not to men.

 

and i pray, that after writing this down, i will remember it everyday.

whenever i got angry, i will remember that eventually i will not answer to them at the end of my days.

 

it is to Jesus. who took up the worst possible death sentence.

to let go of the grip of sentence on me. on people that need to hear Him, and His good news.

 

just a short heads-up.

[short post]: why... oh why...

just a short post: but really thanks for reading up my blog and dropping by with your comment.

I haven't really recovered much, but I am thankful that I am doing better...

work has been quite tiring. now I am back in Singapore. but I need to prepare my trip to Japan soon. Good thing though: I don't need to go China again... the trip has been extremely tiring.

and... i am still angry... and depressed...

that someone that i have waited has turned out not to be the one for me...

i took the half of my Sunday writing down that anger and resentments inside my own journal. too graphic to describe.

but i want to learn to be honest with my feeling. i hid it too much. i tried to appear calm and doing well...

 

no one at the moment get to hear the full extent of my resentment, so i took here as my avenue.

hoping that my cell group would hear it.

speaking of which: while i was in japan... i met a bunch of real nice Japanese Christian. you really get to know the difference in spiritual climate in a country that doesn't really uplift the Christians.

to know that they are having difficulties being known as Christian with peer persecution and mild ill-treatment from friends and even families...

 

i look at myself and thought: why did i feel so depressed over my own struggles on thinking that God did not provide a girlfriend for me?

and really, it was a bad idea to take pornography as a means to be angry against God. i think that was, in retrospect, silly.

 

but i cannot let go of that resentments i have with God.

so i decide to let it out to God, and see how He responded...

 

and so, i will go back and sleep...

desperate pleas

I reached Japan about 10 am in the morning today.

Then I stayed in the room, wasting myself. all the vaselines...

Thoughts of getting laid... getting had... getting wasted...

before the big day the next day, where i need to present our cases from china. with our suppliers.

 

i have never been so stressed. no, actually i went through worse ones.

but never had i felt so jaded about my struggles in sexual promiscuity.

i know that one more step, and i am going to go into the vicious cycle of pains.

though i know that that familiar pain is bittersweet, despite the pangs.

 

i look at myself. thought of friends that encouraged me to move on.

since her, 2 years ago. technically this would be just 2 years ago of the event,

when i broke up with her, and now everything's the same.

2 years since then, and now i felt bad of slower for the girl that i like.

 

i did not curse God. i know it was my fault. for the Vaseline and the fantasies.

but now i see myself, after those wasted tissues and papers.

why torture myself with all these fantasies just to get myself intimated?

doesn't God's love revealed His unending provision for me?

 

i remember a saying: sometimes we hurt ourselves to feel alive again.

because the adrenaline rushes to recover the cells drained.

i tend to agree, but is that the way to end the things again?

is it hard for me to let go the pains, the guilt, and the habit, and let God?

 

i like the feeling of being accepted, love and cherished.

i like the feeling that someone actually do love me: the physical presence did matter to me.

i remember the intense affection a girl had given to me, someone that i liked in return too.

that emotions was strong, very attractive and unbelievable. someone actually loved me.

 

but i remembered as well the fleeting moments of emotion.

2 years before, we loved each other like puppies love their poppies.

2 years later, all that is left is just memories. and we're no longer within reach.

and all i know is that she has moved so much along, whilst i hang on the locomotion.

 

sad, isn't it? and i tried casual, i tried friend dates - they were fleeting.

they can satisfy if it is mutual, but none of them are. they did because they want to help.

but they can never give their heart to me. because i, to them, don't worth risking the heart,

so left me in the room, crying to myself, as if i only love me, and hurt myself to love me.

 

can i get out of this wretched thought? i think i could.

reading books may distract me, working hard may got me concentrated.

but the life matters still hang on a thread - my dependencies on God hung on it.

don't know if i am ready or unwilling to give up.

 

so, here's to my own plea. God, please forgive me.

i still hang onto the past memories, like an addiction to my feeling,

the rush of affections worked so well even though they are only living memories.

fueled by illusions that serves to anesthetize the reality.

 

if God, to work on my sexual addiction requires a discipline,

it has to start with a belief, and a faith to trust in this.

just like the 12-step AA, i need to acknowledge that by myself i cannot help it.

but i need to agree that there's a higher being that can help me.

 

Please...

(to those who cared, thanks for your friendship. i am scared of being alone in Japan now... because of my sexual indulgence)

 

Needing companionship to remind me... during the lonely trip

I gravely needed this reminder, but just in case:

Wherever I go, I need to be open to the possibility that God speaks even in the midst of the Japanese culture.

Especially when the difficult and highly rigid yet systematic lifestyle sometimes demand us to trust in the system more than God.

So... I need to learn to listen to God speaks, to break out of the system.

And...

I need to learn to garner strength from God to live through each day pleasing to Him, even though I don't have church friends around here.

This is not the first trip, but this is my most lonely trip. At least on my emotional upfront.

I felt ill-hearted after the China trip. And the fact that the person that I like has turned out to be someone's else (who I really think should be for her) - I need to let go.

So, all I need - is friends who read my blog, who cared about the trip and who cared... for me.

I haven't cared for you guys well enough. I haven't kept you all in prayer all the time. I admit, it is my fault.

And this request may not come out right as well. I am equally guilty for being private most of the time. I tend to introvert myself.

But this time... the loneliness rang out deafening notes to my ears. They hurt me.

I need to remember that no matter how terrible things are, I know you all care for me. Because you resembled the people that was given the life by God Himself.

And because He does care...

God, I am rejected...

God,

In your hand, I commit my hope. My pride. My love.
Now that I know, the girl that I am waiting for is no longer available.

I feel a pinch of hurt, but she is not wrong. It's up to her.
But I did felt hurt, because of my disillusion to wait for a gift that You give.

I wandered a bit, looking for cheap tricks. And when I decide I will choose to wait,
The gift is now others to claim, and left for me on my own.

With this hurt, in the past, I will wander in the dark.
I demand no meetings, no friends around, no company. I just want my own space.

But now, she's not mine, and I need to be wary of it.
And I could act like a kid again, walking round and round.

But God, You revealed Your Love, and tell me to tell you my hurt,
So I tell You, like a kid, with all the pain and rejection and hurt and my cries.

The heart cries for companionship, yet I know now is not the time.
Practically so, and painfully so. I know my stand and I know my pain.

So, I hurled insults, angers, curses, hatreds - all to You.
You took every bit of my lashes.

Then...

You came to me, in my sleep, and assure me.
"You will be given. But will You remember the Giver?"

All we need to learn, is that whether we are attached or not,
The attached partner may have been the best person in the world we have ever known.

But most often, we forget about the chances to be together, to get together, and to remain in love together.
People change, people go. But people choose to stay together and love together. And it is a work remained rooted in deep principle.

I may have lost the principle if I were not to remember the Giver.
When I felt rejected, I may have gone off and hurt myself. Go round the city. Stay at my hotel room.

But when my Lord revealed my weakness that ultimately lies beyond hoping for a girl,
I need to realize that in this moment: it is the faith in God that remains in question.

When I look into the story of the Passion.
That's when I stop whining. I stop sobbing.

I start to give thanks. He still wills Himself to be part of my puny life.
My puny life should have been died to Christ, but I still cling to it. Hoping that I can gain something out of it, like romantic love.

But... today... I learned this lesson.
And I need to ask God to allow myself to grow and trust and obey.

"It's okay. You will be given one day.
But will You remember Me, when that day comes?"

My Love in Music, and My Hope in Using it Rightfully

Part I: The Gift Acknowledgment

I have been having tough weeks, since the beginning of me joining my company till today. Every now and then I look at my electric guitar, bass guitar, my classical acoustic, the effect pedals, my keyboard... and every day I am depressed to think I can only play them full time when I leave the profession of mainstream work and commit to a full time work as a musician/producer.

Every Friday night, I remembered going back home feeling extremely unhappy, because I remembered the days when I could play music all Friday long, and jamming the way. Sometimes, I remembered the awkwardness to play those tunes as I tried nowadays, because all I could hear is a single instrument playing, whichever it was. And many times, I almost drown myself in tears thinking that I couldn't do it in a community that I felt I could relate to, and share my passion of doing it for God.

On recent notes, I thought of playing music alone, writing songs myself and tried to dictate myself to have a disciplined life of maintaining work and my music. I tried in vain as well to continue the passion of listening some songs that I really hope to be able to produce it live, on stage. Just like how I did back then when I was in my university years. During those days, I could jam every day, forgetting school and life, and just jam - because I have a bunch of friends who shared my passions for music.

Now, when I think about that life I lived, I somehow felt nostalgic, yet regretful. I left that band because of their insistence to do music the mainstream way: sex and rock 'n roll. I have struggles with sexual immorality, and I needed a strong time out to get away, and focus on music for what's worth. And in that decision, I have to choose the lonelier road to recovery. Which often fails.

Every Friday night, I look at the first song that I wrote at length, and I couldn't help crying over the tune. The raw tune of desolation and agony. The need to be heard and the need want to share this burden with someone, who would even care about my pain of idleness and lonely struggle.

I looked at my song 'Epiphany of Misery' with some guilt and shame, because that was written at the height of my depression over life. Suicidal tendencies are prominent because I need so much to be heard, whoever it is. At that time, God is in my mind but not to the sense of comfortable sharing with Him my struggles. And when I tried to rewrite the song, I cannot help but felt jaded and often depressed about recollecting the passion of writing that song with intense shame about life.

I will not say what the song is about, because I intend to release the song on the blog when I have the time to write, but I wish that one day, even if I were to die anytime soon, I will end my life with that song.

But...

Whenever I think about writing songs, I felt extreme regretful and ashamed. I am not able to write songs that give hope. I seemed to be perpetually lost in my own world, forgetting about God's immense grace on my life. How, in the first place, my ability to randomly play music was actually a gift from God, not my own self-induced hallucination or possession.

I remembered the first time I am able to play piano. It was in my third year, in the midst of a depression. I completed my song 'Epiphany of Misery', and at one point of my life, I decide to randomly think about life and start to play around chords to relate my life. I passed through the piano lounge near my hostel, and decide to try something. Honestly, I was just expecting simple chord plays.

That chord plays ended up being a tune of what I later remembered as the tune of 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica. And I did improvisations the way I never expect myself to do. All within my first time.

The pleasure of playing is immense, and I remembered skipping my lecture just playing plenty tunes along the way. 'Wake Me Up When September Comes' by Green Day, 'Pieces' by Sum 41, 'Closing Time' by Semisonic, 'In The End' by Linkin Park... the tunes just went off. And I did a few of own improvisation on that piano.

It was monumental. I knew that I could never do it if I thought consciously how to play piano. It was in my semi-consciousness that I am able to play. And that semi-consciousness nowadays have become the consciousness in me. And I start to learn how to play more improvisations in different keys, and I am greatly thankful that I could it just by listening.

And it is in all these that I reminded myself that these were the gift of God, not of men. My ability to play songs, to write a little, and to play instruments I could never imagine... I am very humbled to think that God has never given up on me, despite my often giving up on myself.

Part II: The Temptation, Escaping...

To be frank, I am not a strong willed person. It probably come through from my extreme emotional characteristics. I get very happy and sad easily, and I swing in between the emotions in the split seconds if I have to. There hence, whenever a decision is made, it may change as time goes, especially when difficult circumstances arise.

I remembered the reason why I couldn't do music was because of my commitment in work. In my current work place, it is difficult to maintain the 9 to 5 work mentality. Sure, technically I should be so, but because of the workload I have been having on recent notes, it has been difficult to maintain that culture. Often time, I went back home tired and still thinking about my work, and tried to plan in my mind what to do at work the next day. Maintaining a dichotomy between work and life is difficult for me, especially when it became an integral part of who I am. I am not exactly interested in my work but I am enjoying some of the incentives there which indirectly feeds to my interest: I am doing home theater products. So I will be able to get, ultimately, good deals on home theaters. I already have a few of them at home, in which I am enjoying with through listening to various music and even playing my music through them. Which I think, is a sad thing.

I often tell myself that I should not maintain this kind of rhythm too long, so I decide that after my current project (which will end on early January, if the project runs smoothly), I will take a month break for my leg to heal (the ingrown nails had hurt the flesh of my thumb that it is important to do a cleansing of the fungus infection inside the toe nail. Gross stuff). In that time, I will look for a better job offer. Probably higher pay and lesser commitment.

But...

Every week, especially on a Friday night and sometimes the whole Saturday - I would lament of this kind of lifestyle, the rhythm that's very monotonous - and I got back home slightly late (8 pm), with a tired physical body to maintain. I jogged 2-3 times a week, but not enough to keep my body in check for long hours. I sleep early because I don't want to dwell into too much emotional jargon on the disappointments in not able to play music freely as how I want to be. I tried jamming occasionally with people who loved music, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to love the way they did (I saw their love for music as a form of escapades). And the only time I think I would feel great about playing music was when I am able to finish writing songs for someone who I knew both shared the passion for writing extremely deep and well intended music. And that, till this day has never happened in my life.

A good friend suggested to be content with life the way it is, and learn to take one thing at a time. Sometimes I found that to be mockery of my intelligence. One step at a time? Look at where I am. Yeah, I am taking one thing at a time, and every week I am very disappointed with holding up myself in a house with my own sanity to deal with. I could only dabble in pornography as a mean to ease myself from the pain of disappointment in life and pain and hurt. Of course, various other reasons, such as hungering for a lifetime partner - also motivated me into seeking false intimacy through pornography, but I do want to suggest that my disappointment in not able to play music enjoyably is also a main catalyst.

Part III: The Slow Recovery

The recent Friday was a not an eventful Friday. I woke up slightly later in the morning trying to read up Philip Yancey's 'The Jesus I Never Knew', and my mind was still reeling over the stuff that I did on the keyboard the day before. It was the melodrama 'Epiphany of Misery' on my keyboard attuned to 'Grand Piano' sound. Playing that song reminded me of the emotions I had while writing, and the agony of my not being able to do something for the world is sometimes quite saddening. I read about a chapter in that book on how God actually restrained Himself into a tiny baby in a place that was obviously quite unpleasant and dirty - a humility to reach to this level. And I often look at times when I wanted to rise up to the occasion, being known as a person who is philanthropist, and constantly actively doing something in the name of the Father who has saved me through the cross. And when I read about the story of Jesus' descend into our planet Earth to reach out for mankind to love Him, I often cannot come to terms with these two notions. I ambitiously aimed high to be known as a philanthropist in the name of a God who actually descend into mankind, and to the least of all, and would not openly acknowledge His supremacy until at the end of the day when He was hung on the cross. And even in that acknowledgment of supremacy, He was not spared to be treated as a criminal. What an irony. 

Because I couldn't come to terms with these two extremism, I often tried to put myself away from these thoughts and just pick up something to distract me. I took music, but it reminded me of my pain and hurt of not being able to play music the way I wanted. So I decided to catch up stuff on Facebook (knowing that I am not the type who would be so hyped about these new generations' social networking devices) - and saw several ex-band mates doing so well in their dream pursuit. My ex-band is going to Japan for the Asian Beat final this year. My roommate won the Suntec Dance finals and now preparing for the month-length trip to Korea to dance for worldly renown modern dance troupe. A few of my other ex-band mates were studying music in overseas, and some were doing some occasional Youtube uploads on their covers.

Those were painful things for me to watch. That's why I hated Facebook. It reminded me of my inability to do something against my crippled mentality. It was sad and I had no choice but to ease the pain through mental stimulation.

Into the night, my cell group leader actually invited me over for a PS3 playing, and I actually felt glad that he actually took me seriously when I told him how weak I am every Friday night and Saturday. So, when I reached there, I am introduced with a few of his friends, and we played soccer console game.

I am very encouraged to know I have such a nice cell group leader. I remembered when I played console games at a younger age, I always got scoldings and humiliations from friends and even my parents. I am not good with card games either, so whenever I play social bridge with my friends in university years, they will try to not to call me as their partner. So when my cell group leader actually encouraged me to tell me what I should do and also tell me what he found that is of strength in me, it was a miraculous feat for me to be able to catch up playing a game I have never played before. I was quite emotionally affected by his genuine concern for me. 

I saw an acoustic guitar there across the living room of his house, and I decide to play a bit stuff there. And strange - it has been a while, but I am able to simply play anything on the guitar without feeling any restrains. I just played blues, rock, metal, jazz, pop, ballads on the single guitar as if I own the guitar, and my cell group leader just let me do what I like on it. And it was through playing the guitar that I am able to get to know another friend of my cell group leader who happened to got interested in my guitar playing. He invited me to his house warming next time and decide to have a moment of me playing guitar with him - just to have fun.

I just suddenly feel that perhaps, music is meant to be enjoyed in this manner, not in a 'noble' sense, like how I envisioned it earlier in my life.

Part IV: Reminder of Servitude

I think, generally, we are given gifts in our lives. And I do believe that we all are given different traits for different reasons. I cling to believe, although with doubts at times, that these gift are given because God knows where we will be put in the situations in our lives. When I was younger, I have not a clue of my inclinations in artistic endeavors. I only know how to study physics, maths, engineering, language - but apparently it seemed that in the everyday of my life, I was meant to be just doing my best in the situation I was given. When I got older, my tendencies to know more than just those physics caught my attention - and the apparent interest in music got hold of me since. Since then, I took up music through various sources in less than a decade, and I have not found a moment to give up the journey since.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I don't know what is God's purpose in me through music. I know it is God-given, but I don't know if my current life is God-directed. Many aspects of my life seemed to be inclined on selfish living - to pay loan, debts, for my parents' pocket money, insurances - and it seemed like I have little for myself. So if my current stable life is already stretching to its limit, how about when I do music full time? And I thought about if it is worth it to do sound engineering from the start - should I go for classes? But it is not cheap, and I am not sure how much of those lessons actually help. I look at the profile of many prolific producers - they learn more through life around them, rather than strictly adhering to the syllabuses in school. And I am stifled to think how much my limitations of not being able to play music as freely as I want because of all these things at the back of my head.

Towards the end of Saturday, I watched the movie "Ratatouille" by Brad Bird of PIXAR studio. I caught myself in tears when at the end, the food critic Anton Ego let down his gauntlet to realize of his role of being a critic without considering the effort of the artist of the food. The critic mentioned that it was out of sensational instinct that food critic often liked to pass pessimism on certain art simply because of the fame that would be garnered there after. But when the critic realized on the recent food that he had tasted was made by a rat, his preconception of an artist being merely impressive broke down. In the end, he was humbled to realize the ordeal of a rat and how he came to cook and serve dishes that were considered the best of France delicacies - and in his notion, "I begin to understand Gustaeu's remark on 'Anybody can cook' clearer - not everyone can be the great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere'". He was humbled by his past pessimism on Gustaeu after realizing that this rat, Remy, actually defied any odds of being a chef, and his passion to cook the finest dishes out of a very humble dish (called Ratatouille - it is actually a peasant dish in France) - and on top of all, risked himself to coerce with human to cook - tugged into the heart-string of Anton Ego.

I caught myself in tears because often not I don't think the way Ego realized in the end. I wanted a very good stage for performance, I wanted popularity and gain ownership in life as a rockstar or a sessionist. I wanted to be known as a philanthropist and the best lyricist and bassist in the music scene. I wanted attention. I wanted it done the right way. But I often forget that God doesn't work in that way when He descended into humanity. He humbled himself to live among the people He loved. His passion was humanity's redemption, and in the end He risk His position as a deity to descend as a human being. That very act of humility deserved to be reminded.

Of course, much of the show 'Ratatouille' is very humanistic and addresses the struggles of Remy the rat chef. After all, the director wants to remind us of the fallacy of us humans. The show did portray many parts of the many casts inside that were quite realistically human struggles. But the point at the end of the movie was remarkably directed towards humility and acknowledgment of gift that was given and the effort to realize it.

I looked my music gift this morning, with new light. I want to play music so much, but I need to withhold the passion with a different light. I don't know where I should be led here after, but I do hope that I am able to play the music that God desired me to be. And that, first of all, means waiting for the right moment. And that waiting has to be of a patient endeavors. Perhaps one day, I would be playing music actively, but perhaps it may never happen. But if I am willing to be humble enough to just do music the way it should be - simply enjoyable - perhaps something may come out from there.

Perhaps. Who knows.

Humbled by People I Least Expect to Be...

I thought it through a lot after a certain friend confided to me of someone's predicament and his decision - and I wanted to make a dramatic statement (doing a narrative and my emotional correspondence to this response) on honoring him, but I decide that if I were to do that, I would have gone against the principle of solely dedicating to someone more. However, his predicament by itself really convicted my heart - and truly I would say, it would remind us of the world of fortunate events that we often forgot.

Couple of months back I noted a guy in my working place who I had least regards on. He seemed very well to do, quite assertive yet not jovial. He maintained his integrity where it should be, and always ensure his work is in order. Typically people would like to deal with him in this manner. He is neither too low or too high profile. He has a good background as a design engineer, and my previous acquaintance with him get me to know him slightly more. He is quite a nice guy.

But he can get quite assertive sometimes, so whenever he asked us to help him study some matters, he meant to say that the problem is within our jurisdictions. We had been battered by various department before, so to have another person asserting us our responsibilities can hurt our reputation. I became quite hot-head most of the time because of such predicament. His roles, no doubt, is no exception.

To give a brief background, I am in charge of designing key element features for home theater and hi-fi system for Panasonic. It meant to say that we are the designer team. I am not supposed to give elaborate details on our organization structure, but the design is based in Singapore, in which I am one of the member. My role decides on key feature, and how to integrate them into our system. And this guy is the overall engineer in charge of home theater system. Not a manager but a leader in design team.

Anyway, because of such attitude from him, I tend to dislike him. His assertion is without sympathy. I had to spend nights studying certain problems at work thanks to his request, and me and my senior engineers would solve problems together and try to understand the concept behind. I had my misgivings on him, but I don't suppose it ever reach to a dangerous level. His presence or absence doesn't really bother me. It is just the work attitude. And true too, I always wanted to pursue 'perfections' in my working place, and wanted so much recognition in our design and for once (this upcoming Christmas sales - which will feature our new home theater product) our dreams seem to be coming true.

So when a couple of weeks back a good friend told me, with awkward surprises, that he wanted to tell me something that he felt should be told after his departure, this assertive guy aroused my curiosity. Nevertheless, I still work with him on normal basis, just that I ignored my dislike/like on him without conferring to the work progress.

Today was the first day that he left the company. Remembering my friend's promise, I told him I had the free time to listen to him.

The relating of the story is quite bewildering in itself, so I won't use dialogues here. But his story, this assertive guy... honestly broke my heart.

Apparently, he is the lowest paid engineer in our company. He, being a leader, is the least paid of all engineer - including entry level engineer and some operators. To simply say that he is underpaid actually seemed to me like a understatement.

He championed our previous home theater designs, and worked with all his heart to ensure whole system integration complete and selling to the market. And he worked much more than many of the managers. He even represented his manager to answer some market problems and presented some analysis on this matter. His manager not only shortchanged him, but denied him appraisal and promotion.

He entered into our company as an operator, as a polytechnic graduates. Seeing how much he was shortchanged, he further his studies to ensure a good degree from a reputable university in Singapore. Even the degree (despite part time and earned him a First Class Honors) he remained at the same pay as his initial entrance pay. He sought help from his general manager. The general manager procrastinated his appraisal's request, citing difficult HR.

He had other misgivings as well. At one major market recall presentation, all the managers are required to attend. This is held in another country, quite further up from Singapore. His immediate manager requested his presence because his manager felt that he is technically sound and highly qualified to answer the problem. At the meeting - the Managing Director raised some of his concerns (on managerial role) to the floor for answers. Every manager looked at his manager, and his manager directed all the eye stares at this poor engineer. One sensitive manager, known for his diplomatic yet occasionally humorous dealings, helped to ease the stares by dropping his comments and offered to give his insights.

That event alone could have caused many to turn away and throw in a resignation letter, but he held on for 3 years, after the event. 3 years.

His continuous pleading to the managers was, in return, in vain. The director started to take notice of a wrong treatment, but the manager managed to convince the director things are running well. So, when the fourth time the engineer sought the manager, it was a pay rise request that was armed with a resignation letter - which in the end was utilized.

The story could have been told to remind me of how bad the manager was, who was actually indirectly dealing with us at the present moment. The story could have been told to stir the heart to leave the company, knowing how bad the system was, and how unfair the system has treated every worker, especially this one guy who I used to think of as highly technically sound yet slightly assertive. But the poignancy of the story doesn't fall into these.

Rather, I was ashamed. I was guilty to think that I deserved better. When there's a guy who clearly deserved better - and took on this difficult road for 6 years, and cling on till the end.

I almost wanted to weep after hearing from my friend. My friend, who used to be wanting to be competitive and seeking to be on the top, now felt remorseful because of such a humble spirit to persevere. He knew that this poor engineer loved this company, but he never expect the love to be this sacrificial. My friend felt guilty thinking of how selfish he had thought of himself, and decided to learn to be thankful each day.

He asked me how I think, after hearing. I told him I need to recover.

Frankly, it wasn't that I don't have anything in mind. I had, but the strongest things that were in mind were these: his humility, and my humble lesson of being a witness to Christ.

I know of stories of people dying of hunger in Africa, Middle East or even in South East Asia, but I never realized that stories like this poor engineer also compelled heart breaking stories of human survival. He is earning so little yet his contribution speaks so much. All of you in the world are able to enjoy Panasonic Home Theater from HT550 till PT480 because of his major contribution to the sound design and system integration. I am not kidding. His contribution can speak of volumes. I am greatly ashamed that I looked so far into the Third World countries that I forgot that God has also meant the least of the brothers and sisters around my working place - a place I least likely to think as of my ministry.

Secondly, to have such a testimony from a typical guy, normal guy-next-door, without much get ups, and do his job well and hard - and it compelled both of us (me and my good friend) close to tears is something. My friend, particularly, felt that his previous way of living is undeniably selfish, and to have such a guy of our generation to be so keen to do the task well and not asking for much more except a pay rise - to him that is humility. To me, however, I felt that I have not been a faithful servant of Christ Himself. Every day I sought to have my agendas heard, and I sometimes argued with some people just to get things done. I have gained a reputation, to some, to be quick-tempered. I am reflecting on that, but it had never been so much an issue - until I looked at him.

A look at his seating table, vacant now, reminded me of his humility. And I believe, it will be a lesson to learn every day.

The Aftermath of Pride

I watched the news on 23 August in front of my TV, after my dad hysterically messaged me of a live-footage of Manila hijack on TV. It was about 720 pm.

I remembered watching the news, seeing the gunshots, and blood spilled on the windscreen and the side windows of the bus. I do not know if it was shot inward or outward.

The event was seemingly dramatic. I almost double-guessed my vision, to see if I was actually watching live footage, not some 'documentary-like' movie show.

It was a bleak Monday.

I remembered having a strong thought in my head, especially when the gunman was shot down, close to 8 pm. And the slumped body struck onto a sharp shrapnel of the bus door, instantly killed him through the heart.

It was bleak, very bleak.

And when I looked at the entire footage, I have strong thoughts that gripped me into reality.

"This is the visual, physical effect it had when we pushed our agendas too hard on each other, and no one wants to come to a common consensus, peacefully."

I read a bit of the history of the footage, and what triggered the event. 

Poor police officer. He had no intention to gain leverage through the hostages. He merely wanted his position reinstated, and he chanced upon a tourist bus, which could be a good ground for announcing his intention. Perhaps, if he had hijacked a normal commuting bus, the dramatic effect would not have commemorated. 

And he had asked the driver to provided food for the hostages, and ensured to have air-conditioning. He 'leveraged' on the hostages by establishing bond with them. 

The police almost had all the hostages saved. In the earlier part of the negotiations, they were willing to consider the reinstatement of Mr. Rolando Mendoza into the police force. He used to be a good soldier of justice, just that one misgivings on drug and extortion accusation.

I am not saying that he is innocent. Neither am I saying that there's someone innocent here. On theological background.

But I am saddened by the fact that as the night fall, the police insisted on 'judging him fairly', but denying his reinstatement.

That's when the hell broke loose. Bus shut down, door closed, and the hijacker declared, "I will shoot 2 Chinese. Just to prove my point. Anyway, you guys will kill me in the end."

From 2 to 9 hostages, all in the name of 'pride - and fairness'.

I looked at this event, and how it eerily resembled our daily activities in life. 

"Eye for an eye."

When we have our agendas being challenged, especially when we stood strong ground thinking that our agenda is well-intended and for the better, we argued our way out.

I dare say that many times, in my working place, I tried very hard to assert my point, to let people see my view of which I think is the best for the company's interest, only to find that I have to actually exert anger and strict command on my colleague.

I may have succeeded in doing something in the end, but the succession is short of relational aptitude. At worst, I may have done a good job, but I lost the focus, and possibly a friend.

In the event of the hijack, both the police and the hijacker would want their ideals met. Both clashes. And in the end, no compromise, and 9 hostages were killed in the process.

This may not be an easy reflection, especially when we know that our agendas are as important. 

Therefore, I looked into the event as a whole, understanding the context, to grasp the lesson learnt.

We hope to have our agendas met, but how often do we see the big picture of the event itself?

21 tourists, coming to Philippines, with the hope of knowing more of the country, and possibly enjoying themselves there, ended up in misery. Especially when the 9 were killed. 

These tourists probably may have contributed to the country's impoverished financial state. Tourism is definitely a definite boost. Already 3 years back, a similar hijack happened. It is fortunate that no casualties were resulted. And few days back, during the weekends, robberies across Manila with gunshots on foreigners were reported.

Hong Kong declared, in the aftermath of this hijack, that Philippines will be under the 'blacklisted country' for tourism. Such declaration is abnormal. Hong Kong would have a list, but that is consistent with the British Columbia's (or the Commonwealth community) list of blacklisted countries, like Iran, North Korea, etc. 

If both the police and the hijacker thought about this, looking at the bigger picture - and realized how much damage they would incur solely based on this event (perhaps not the blacklist, but the hurting of the tourism industry is definitely within the grasp of their imagination at that time), would they resort to 'stood their ground and not giving way to the other'?

Neither of the two parties were thinking straight. 

But that should not be limited to only them. I, too, fall into this many times.

When I do evaluations on my home theater sets, when I have certain design standards I want to keep, I pushed very hard on the other group to comply, and even to do what is necessary to keep the schedules and the deadlines. However what I often forget, in the end, is that does all these design matters when we consider the big picture of what our company originally intended? Our founder's motto can be summarized in a life of servitude to the people of Japan. If, by asserting that the other team should comply to our demand became our motto, then we are selfishly asserting our authorities in order to get something done.

But it could have been that we are the ones who should be doing something pertaining our position. For example, if some part of our design we can help the other department to solve, why not on our side? Yes, it may have been more difficult, but the end result could have conjured a better scenario than us choking on each other's throat.

I believe there are some other design that the other teams have to do, and we should not give way to their leniency. However, the guide for such discernment should always be consistent to the bigger picture of the company's interest - the act of servitude.

How often we forget... how often we let loose... only to see ourselves in the worst state of situation, despite us upholding our agendas - in our sticks and bones.

What Really Matters

Give up:
Sometimes, the truth hurts. Very much.
In all that is shared, you don't want to hear what's really in the heart of hers.
But, well...

I guess that is supposed to be. Unless otherwise.
I know all too well, my desperation for a short term goal.
Thinking that...

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Period, probably.
But the consequence of life after those fleeting moments are never thought of.
Which is why...

The call yesterday was a painful. Yet relieving one.
It's a sober wake up call, to dedicate myself and remind myself.
That it's over...

She's someone's else. Not yours at all.
No point trying to garner a friendship with someone you just want to have 'fun'.
No point at all...

Give in:
I woke up, remembering the details...
And an epiphany struck its chords, like the tune of a dark mellow night,
With a hint of dawn breaking - through that crisp red horizon sunlight cutting through.
Remembering the promise.

I used to embrace, remembering that I am not ready...
But I am willing to learn, and I sought the life-transformation in me,
Hoping that one day, that transformation will work itself through daily living.
Reliving that dream.

Two years ago, I told myself...
Never to live like a beast again, and wanting to learn to live properly,
Despite daily's two step back, one step forward, I still want to believe.
That I want to be better for the Gift.

Two years later, I see myself...
Never seems like I have lived my life fully to embrace the opportunity,
Rather, I squandered all, I left it all, to savor that salty dish mish-mashed. 
Now becoming someone same as of yesterday.

Let go:
The dawn reminded me, above all,
That my life has started to move on.
Strangely, when you think you're at the worst,
Seems like it is the easiest to recommit and live.

I now see myself becoming a villain, 
And from this on, I want to make a change.
Hardest perhaps is the hungover after the rejection,
And the pain of the friendship kindled after all.

The pain is unbearable, yes it's true,
Reminds me of the day of the break up - the pale hue.
But strangely, there's a side of uplifting-ness,
For the pale hue is overshadowed by the dear rainbow.

"It's okay, Ren. It's okay.
Learn now, and move on.
'Why do we fall?'
So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Pain is evident, pain is real,
But pain is a bearing of the lesson learned.
We don't grow by living through the sunny days,
But mosts of our growth comes from the rainy days.

Never forget in the light what you learned in the dark,
So the same goes when you reach to the dark.
Remember the gratitude of a life lived in the light,
So that when darkness comes, you won't cower in shame again. 

Exeunt:
After the night, when I realized the mistake I have made... and decide to rededicate my life again. Repentance... genuine repentance. 

Remember the Gift

While my sanity and my thought is still struggling to relate to God's purpose for me, I have to pen this down:

"Remember the Gift, not the cheap tricks.
Remember that you are promised the Gift to embrace.

So don't go around finding cheaper things,
Shorter terms of fun, pleasure and ecstasy. 

They don't last, they don't feel long,
And the happiness is shortlived, replaced by the hurt and the gap later on.

Worst of all, you promised to Him that you love Him,
Because of all that He has done to make you His.

So, for God's sake, don't go around shopping for loose things,
And remember God, not the girl you fancy physically at the bar."

In need for grace, and I have to remind myself who I am in Christ.  

The Dark Night

It's a cold dark night, the night yesterday.
Lots of things in my head. Hurt.

Felt that I have gone a bit too far, too much.
Think that it is time. Relax.

But guilt, oh, so much, ridden in my heart.
Stabbed, and without a doubt: Dead.

But I yearn to live, to obtain liberty.
Don't want to go around. Scared.

I am scared, very scared.
But I don't know if there's any left. To. Live.  

Perseverance, perhaps?

I guess, when the opportunity for relationship is over, it should be a good indication to me to tell myself to move on.
Whether it means that the person that I like is now attached to someone, or that she is just not interested in me.

Either way works. So, I have to tell myself that I need to learn to move on.
And start socializing more. Though I know that the most difficult part of it is to break the barrier.

It will take a lot of hard work, I guess.
But it is necessary. Or else, I will remain in the same place again and again, without getting out.

Time to move on.
Pray that it will be so.  

The Allusion of Solitary Sanity

I guess, it is a strong part of me to remain within myself, to restrain from revealing what's in my mind very often when I am in the open setting. Although I tried very hard not to be contained by it, the truth is most of the time I am very perturbed by my evident effort to contain my loneliness.

My recent endeavors with friends back in universities revealed this albeit too much to ignore. I mean, I used to hang out with these people without restraints, just let our minds go wild with all those chats and stuff. I remembered talking till late night with a hostel-mate about music and life and all those things, while he smoked his Salem cigars, one at a time, while I just take my Spanish guitar (an old classical guitar of mine), strumming Em chords and varying scales along the way. Now when I see him (or any of such friends for that matter), I would brief through friendliness and just be mere courteous to talk with them, never deeper than close-buddy-talks. 

I feel sad as a mid-20s geek, that after 2 years, especially after the break up, I have lost much sense of hangout-moments anymore. And it took my recent trip back to a Christian Fellowship event that shook my sense of intimacy to further disturbance. 

Honestly, I have always wanted friendliness and openness in talking about things. To begin with, I don't come from a Christian upbringing. In fact, despite the Sunday School upbringing, I still was pretty much like every young kid born in the lower-middle class edges of slums - rough, young, wild and carefree. We will just run around, destroy whatever we see on the streets (those poor gardens our rich neighbors always took care of, very well - turned into potholes of "asteroid burns" thanks to those matchsticks and cigars burn by our older peers). Even in the later days, when I indulged in porn, football and cigars, it was because I was doing just like the rest of my peers in school and out of school. My church activities, then, was just pretty much a bystanders. 

Pretty much towards my 17th birthday, I grasped the irony of friendship that I used to embrace. These people who I thought I could count on the most turned out to be the worst bastards I had ever had. I remembered being betrayed by a girl I loved at first, which ended up being ridiculed, because I didn't have the looks and the guts to get one. I garnered up the strength to hate them, only to find myself being circled in the classroom, by the teacher as well, as the worst ingrate ever. Imbecility hasn't found its way into my life yet, but I felt pretty much as such since young - for trusting people too easily. 

After those hurts I was very wary on prying into a new friendship with people. By my 17th birthday, I learned to act different. I learned how to fake myself into the crowd to gain popularity and ownership. And sure enough, my hypocrisy helped me get through. In short time, when I graduated my high school and my pre-University years, I have sort-of gained some leverage on "friendships" and those fakes. I admit, when I admitted to the university, I pretty much carried that sense of protection with me. Many of my uni-friends are, unfortunately, a by-product of my willful act of hypocrisy. Towards the end of the year, most of the friends that I stick close to are rare, and a few are still contacting me. The relationship with my ex-girlfriend woke me up from the reality of this hypocritical life, and I felt that I need to stop this nonsense. And... here I am. 

When I looked at those years, I can only look with regrets. To be frank (and I think many people would have known about it), I am not proud of my school life. And I cannot look back with deep sense of nostalgia, just like every working adults who will occasionally drop by their mushy sentiments on school years. Sometimes, I regretted living those memories. Especially when there are days, when I saw my old friends on Facebook who added me, only to find myself boiling deep anger within me. I am still finding strength from within to forgive them, and I think it is going to be a daily process. Especially when their marriages are looming around the corner, and I happened to find myself heard about it without being invited (which to be honest is a better idea). And the fact that I am already at 25 with most of my friends having girlfriends/boyfriends of years doesn't make my life easier. 

I think, it took me recent year of depression to learn to understand myself better. Of course, good close buddies and my counselor helped a bit in understanding my plight and how much conflicted I am in my own struggle to live properly. There are times when I felt that because I couldn't forgive myself to forgive others, the deep hurt and resentments build with me overtime. The worst part of all is when I decide to confine myself in my own cell of thought thinking about life myself. And in that process, I took 2 years to get through. Of course, there are occasions of great, enriching meeting up with people (I think above all, a dinner with a girl that I like, and a few movie-outing with a close buddy really helped me), but those are probably not as frequent as my regular fits of lonely solitudes. 

So, in the midst of understanding myself, I learned to gradually realize the importance of treasuring true friendship and honor deep thoughts and friendly word-sparring. I thought that I have not been engaged deep enough of such discussions. That's mainly why I thought how shallow my mindset used to be. And how much the lack of honesty (especially when I reminiscence the friendships I used to have, with their 'clean-up-front-but-ugly-inner-worth' appeal, it is always quite detrimental to reflect on how much those affected me. 

Which is why, when I was brought into the Christian Fellowship gathering, I found myself to be overtly cautious in engaging in any discussion. I felt bad, especially when the two persons that I know very closely in the group tried very hard to make me feel at ease, especially when they know my personality. I somehow felt difficult to get back into the same 'hangouts' with these people again. And somehow the familiar pain of loneliness seems much more comfortable to me than to move into 'new boundaries' of catching up with my old friends again, to begin with.

A very good friend noted that while I can continue to put up my discernment on which friends to hang out with, the fact that I am trying to 'discern' so hardly made my opportunity to get to know people, understanding people hard. It took me 2 years to start to believe what he said is true. And I get to understand why the thought of getting a life companion keeps bugging in my head. After the break up, I hardly had times to mix with mix-genders, and I am so caught up with my own agendas, that on the basic level I am just mixing around with people I know to be always telling me, 'It's okay, I understand your pain" without getting to understanding people. But then, comes another side of explanation, in which people said that 'after the detachment, everything seems black and white - especially with people around you. You just don't feel interested in life anymore'. At the age of 25, I still appear like a teen, wanting people to hear what I am feeling, instead of acting mature to others, listening to people and understanding people. And most of the time, the black and white, ironically, becomes an evident backdrop of my description of the world. 

Despite the depressive motif I put up with, there are times when I appreciate the sadness and depressive turns of my life. My perspective changes (and I believe things will get much deeper/shallower - depending on how I live on) overtime, but this particular episode particular strike a melodic and inspiring tune. Yes, the tune is mellow, and it gets aggressively dark. But every movement, no matter how deep the tunnel of death may seem to be, there's always a seemingly light that allow your strained vision to see. And I often felt that I am not totally out of that deadly tunnel yet, but there's a glimpse of light shining that is leading the way. And it is especially encouraging that through the light's direction, I met some people along the way to walk with me. Some came with different perspective, so it is quite hard to explain what I have gone through. Some came with even worse predicament, that to them, the light meant more than just hope: it assures them that their depressive turns are ending soon. As for me, I know I am still recovering from my depression, but I began to embrace the depression with much sentiments. There were times that I am reminded that it was in the dark that I learnt things, not in the light. 

It is hard for me to enhance and extract these analogies into life storyboard here. My life has been through things that I find it better to share in person. However, deep down, I felt strongly the urge to speak it out, because I felt that alas, someone needs to understand why I struggle so hard to get away from self-abasement every weekend, only to find that excuse simply cut off by mere wish of self-fulfillment every Friday till Saturday evening. Yes, I do acknowledge too - I had someone in mind who I would like to ask to be my girlfriend, but with all these indecent habits taking place, I may compromise her, and in the end, we will have to make the decision to work things out in a havoc train without a train-guide, which will eventually ram into death; or we decide to jump off the train, only slimy muds across the jungle, and walk out of it after fighting against the beast of our lives. I already did the later in the past relationship I had. And I don't want to end up being on a train-bound to death without me working it out first. 

Somehow, this topic still doesn't seem correct. I was being told on recent notes too: that life is not meant to be taken all at once. We, in our minute details of the universe, have been admonished to 'not to worry'. We can only take one-step-at-a-time. Yes, we can multi-task, but how much can we go? When a person is running through emotional drainage, is there any fuel left to still work through life's difficulties, or even be a blessings towards those suffering to survive? Take one step at a time, buddy... that's what they say.

But how? It seems so overwhelming each day, and I don't think I can handle well, unless I ignored this battle and start looking elsewhere. Then, would I be subjected to struggle again, because I turned my blind eyes towards the threat of lust? Then again, even if I tried to do something else, for example getting involved in a Christian Fellowship's gathering: my mind would keep cramping onto the guilt of succumbing to lust. How do I maintain a good mind in discoursing with fellow Christians who yearned to be like-minded? Especially when my own mind is the one most contaminated?

Then another suggested that God looks at the heart of your battle. Your succumbing to lust every week is unforgivable. But He has forgiven you. He understood that you are just a dust, a flesh. Knowing that you give your all to fight against this battle mattered a lot to him. I cried hearing that, because that really is comfort to hear. But, what happened next? Immediately when I walk out, I am thinking about having sex with a friend that I know I can coax some words to get into. 

Hence, I chose... to confine my territory of conversation to within my own head, my own mind. Confine my social circle to within myself, the depths of my own mind. Create an imaginary friend so that I can chat, love, screw, play, chill with. Even if this imaginary friend of mine - if she can withstand as long as I live, would it made me feel better? If so, then I am totally confined to my own sanity, which will at one point of time becomes the nightmare of insanity. The saddest of all, I guess.

I know that deep down I don't want to remain as such for the rest of my life. I want to start getting help. I want to start doing myself a good favor by cutting off the internet, cutting off the media sources. But somehow, by doing that I am still short of community support, which at many times I am the one who chose not to be involved. My deeply introverted character disallows me to draw inner strength from people in a crowd, and considering the effort put to garner friendships that I have now, it is definitely another process which deserves a hard look at it. Even within my work circle, especially when there's no Christian friends that I know of, my mind is always guarded. There were occasions when I let loose a bit of my personal takes, and that surprisingly gave them a foothold into my personal life. Even then, I am still always on guard, not ready to tell people what I am thinking. I felt sad: even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, she didn't get to hear the inner most struggle of my heart. And to date: no one ever did. Not my parents, not my sister, not my friends, not the close ones. Only me. And hopefully God. 

The guarding of the heart. I dare not say it is a broken heart. But I know that the heart is guarded by a twisted mind. Unless... I don't know. Really. 

Conflicting Hypocrite or Hypocritical Conflicts?

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Looking at life as it turns,
Meeting with circumstances as life comes.

Sometimes I wonder, often time confused,
The act to live properly, yet wrongfully.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I tried to live in the best that I want,
I end up doing the things that I know I shouldn't want.

I tried to get away from things I know hurt me,
I end up doing myself a disservice of proper living.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Sometimes, because of the burden, I choose to push away,
Thinking for a moment I could let that go, and enjoy.

Sometimes, however the pain comes back twice the shame,
Thinking the price I pay for conflicting my values.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I lay my life to live honestly, but I wound up being dishonest,
I walk around, threaded at boundaries of good and evil living.

I couldn't stay straight, and often times I enjoy those moments,
But every night I lay in my bed, guilt-ridden of my conscience.

Conflict or Hypocrisy, which will I choose? 

The Slow Thinker

I am generally not the type who would be able to give quick opinions that is well-crafted, deep and intellectual. Even if I do speak up, there will be 2 cases (with its frequency depending on how is the relationship between me and the person involved). One is when I will immediately step in my opinions, which is admittedly shallow minded, very idealistic and more often offending to hear. Second is when I will take, from an hour till a year (depending, like what I say, how close or important is the relationship) to reply or to give my opinions. 

In relation to the frequency, to make life simpler, I would just normally keep quiet and listen. I figure that by doing this, it is actually a process of 'getting to know the situation better'. However, behind that face lies a person being indecisive of his opinions. 

Sometimes I wonder - how much that silence actually truncated the friendships I have with people. In my workplace, people generally think that I am loud-spoken when with colleagues that I am comfortable with, but kept quiet when the opinions (or oppositions) count during important meeting. And although it has decreased in time, I still think I am like that.

The subtly also applies, in some ways, to my relationship with close ones (this, unfortunately minuses my parents and my sister at the moment. I hope to be able to reconcile this relationship with them, at least during their lifetime, not mine). My mentor, and a few of my close friends who belief in the same faith would also be the ones that do the talking. I would, in the meantime just sit and listen and hear the wisdom. There are times when I do speak up. Those, actually, are the time when I am in desperation to be heard. Like: a struggle in life, sex, temptation, lust, guilt, shame, anger, greed, and so on. Things are pretty much, in short, messed up when I decide to seek comfort and help.

Honestly, I am glad they gave me the avenue to. But sometimes, at the back of my head, I often wonder how indecisive I must have been, to take 2-3 months normally to decide and do it. Sometimes, I would wander in midriff thinking what can be the other ways of doing it, which end up not doing anything at all. 

I am not sure how does writing this down help, but I just want it to be off my chest, so that I won't dwell in it for too long. Far too long. But then again, I might be surprised later on to find that everyone does face this problem.

I'm not sure.

The Infrequent Blogger

I have to admit, the frequency for blogging has tremendously decreased in time. Probably because I have gotten past the age of technology (which, surprisingly, I am not enthusiastic in Facebook - though I have an account of my own, and Twitter - in which I haven't tried at all). And, probably because I have, subtly, grown past the age of rants and all those dramas. 

Of course, my gradual deterioration of my physical health tends to distract me from being so concentrated on my inner health. I used to believe, too, that by ranting I can get better and healthier. Apparently, the aging is not that kind. I don't know, maybe it is just me. I am just 26, after all. 

I have been thinking about the need for frequent visitation on blogs, friends and others for that matter - and I realize that all these hoo-hahs are actually part of the 'fad' thing. It is good to keep ourselves up to date with other people's lives and such, but most of the time we don't really get to talk about it, at least for me. 

I know of friends who maintained blogs, but I don't really get to talk to them when I met them face to face. Well, besides, those that I frequent are actually net friends, who I know I won't get to meet/chat with them directly. My introversion doesn't help as well - the tendency to want to draw strength from being alone/in a small company doesn't help too. Sometimes, I rather be voyeuristic on forums rather than being a participants. It's only when I have strong conviction on certain items - then I will decide to message the person directly (via mailbox or comment, but that's also quite rare).

So, having said this, I felt that my infrequent blogging has kind of disperse my social circle (net friends in particular). I don't get to interact much with people. I did quite often with my colleagues at Panasonic, but even so, they are not the ones I will stand in to talk about my personal life. Even if they invite, I know that there are a lot about me that I would rather share with intimate friends, rather than colleagues who wanted to know me better, genuinely. However genuine they may be, their quick advices based on their belief and their strong principles in life more often collide with mine. As much as I want to be open about life and the possibility of better/solid principles better than mine - I tend to think they are more concern in telling me what they feel, rather than being a listening ear. 

With that in mind, I just think that my other solace/comfort (which is on the web zone) seems to similarly deteriorate in terms of allowance for personal space endeavors. The dramas, definitely are lesser. Not different from when I was in my Uni-years, but less inclined to describe an event dramatically. Much more reflective, less concentration on events; more concentration on values, virtues, principles, and what's inside. Back to the basics, I learnt - from friends that I know along the way. 

This probably explained why I gradually moved from seeking too much comfort from trying to get more recognitions in what I write about to just being honest with myself and be more open to my struggles in life. And yes, me being a Christian sometimes allowed myself some narcissistic comments from blogspheres. Honestly, I faced fascism (quite a strong word, but that's true) from those who shared my belief, especially those of authority - but well, sometimes, it is those who know me the best that gave me the liberty to be who I know I should be. Till this day, I still find comfort in relating to them and in humility (I got to admit, it is difficult at times), I learned to apply their compassions and their embrace towards people that I know should benefit from this. 

Hence, I hope friends that I know of (be it recent or a while back; be it with friends in real life or net friends (equally real as well, they are of real human being using blogs, MSN, Gmail talk as their tools of communications); be it those who shared my belief or not) will understand my recent infrequent blogging habit, and even Facebook-ing. I think, for the most part, I am learning to experience life where I am, with struggles real into my face, temptations hitting me, and learn to deal with difficult friends and my own insanity at times when I have moments with friends. 

Whew... 

Luxury from Contentment, sprouted from Poverty

I remembered sitting onto the rattan-wound sofa, with 2 humble cushions in red and green squares. I had the micro Hi-Fi sandwiched between them, having the luxury to tune to the Gold 90.5 FM (Singapore's radio channel for classic hits), with the standing lamp on my left, and the newspaper on my lap. 

And the first article that gripped me is the article about the reality of making the world an eco-sensitive, more environmental-friendly effort being highly panned towards the well-to-do countries. The exuberant elaborative effort to transform the developed countries from industrial-oriented, with cities built in forms of skyscrapers - now being concentrated into green-ery- environment, and all the houses that are built with the concepts of eco-friendly... these are meant for the wealthy. The depiction of the poor countries, third world countries having no place to stay, despite the abundance of grasses and trees and all the 'biological environment' that we so hope to see in a much urban society - turn out to be actually harming their life because of the lack of sanitary and basic healthy living lifestyle. And the unbalanced world view of economic scale is not helping matters as well - in addition to much debates for decades on making a world a better place... doesn't seem to take any effect on improving these marginalized countries (especially when these countries continue to play as supporting roles to the first-world countries by producing goods, manpower resources, natural resources - and these people's wellbeing is not even considered.

And here I was, reading a newspaper having the time of my life relaxing through the music of 'Superstition' by Stevie Wonder on the radio channel, with so much comfort in the light of a quite luxurious environment (considering the decoration of the lightings, the soft, the Hi-Fi, and of course, the ambiance).

I am quite ashamed at that time reading the article. 

I often wonder, how much I took the luxury for granted and forgetting the fundamental part about living. 
We don't live to deliver our performance, get well and get 'wealth'.
We don't live to try to earn our effort through recognitions, acceptance and prestige.

After reading that article, after the feeling of remorse, I was flooded by emotions of gratitude.
Glad to have live in the present moment with comfort.
Glad to have friends who enjoy the company without the fear of sudden death or fatal illness.

I think, with that regards, I should never forget a lesson that is aptly applicable to what should be my reaction:

Never forget in the light what you have learned in the dark.
And never forget in the fortune what you have been given when you are poor.

Remember the people in the third world countries, and remember their predicament.
The things that you buy, most of them - came from the hard work of these poor workers working 7-day-shift.