My last performance for NUS
Consider this gig as my last for NUS, and my best for life. But seriously, I want to outpace this, I know that now I can do better than this gig.
By the way, I am the one at the centre. The bassist.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You
Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You
I always thought that it is easy to say, "I love you", without having to consider the consequences. I thought that fairy tales' love stories are pretty much straight forward. You don't have to think too much, just go ahead and be yourself, and start telling the girl, "My dear, I love you."
How wrong I am.
When I initially confess to her, it was not easy. Millions of things running through my head.
What if I am not good enough for her?
What if she thinks that I am not a person she could trust forever with?
What if I practiced infidelity when we are together?
When those thoughts came to mind, I realized that I might not be able to give my all to her after all.
But somehow, something hits my mind.
If I gonna keep on going through these motions of thoughts, I will never be able to move on.
That prompted me to tell her - I want to give her my all, if I could do it to the best.
Funny how just one thought in a million can change my mind so fast. It is as if after killing all your brain cells with so many unnecessary things, a simple statement like that could impulsively burn the bridges that you have been trying very hard to cross, and all you know that you need to do is to cross over that bridge.
And I wondered why, until I see her face yesterday.
I don't know what prompted me to say that, "With you beside me, I don't feel the need to see other people at all." Either that could be just a spur of a moment of love, or I truly believe in it.
Because till yesterday, I thought that there are other pretty girls out there as well.
She felt very insecure. I felt insecure as well.
I felt insecure because until last night, I still don't believe that I have gotten myself a great girlfriend. I still can't believe that she loves me as much, if not more than me. I still can't believe how sweet she treated me, and that so much love is given to me.
I thought that chasing people who I am not sure whether or not they like me is more believable, but perhaps I may have entertained that thought a lot, and it affected her.
She felt insecure when I start ogling at other girls, or start talking about other girls.
I realized how stupid I was.
Isn't it obvious that she loves you that much?
So why you still don't believe it?
Somehow this reminds me of my faith in Christianity. You know, to have Someone who loves you no matter what you do doesn't sound right. Somehow to believe in someone who loves you for the things that you do sound more believable than that.
And I initially rejected that idea also. How can I believe in that kind of Jesus, who claimed to have died for me because He loves me, when I never even met Him?
But somehow - that seemed to spark something.
From young, no one really tells me that he/she loves me for who I am. I am as a person. I am as a guy. I am as a blessed baby born into this world. But no one tells me that.
And with this kind of background, to have someone loving you no matter who you are, what you do - even though it sounds horrendously scandalous, it somehow matters to me.
I read about history, read about the validity, read about His life when He was on earth.
And I realized He meant what He said when He said He really loves everyone.
People of his days, there are hierarchy when it comes to social class. The hierarchy has religious upbringing denoted as the rank. And you could put it in this manner - Jesus was supposed to be on relatively high rank, given His statutes, His knowledge of those writings left by prophets.
But, what surprised me was that He doesn't even care if there's this thing called social class. To Him, everyone is the same. Because He loves everyone, and everyone has the same benefits.
That's why for Him to mix around with prostitute, tax collectors and physically sick - that kind of caring He showed to those people - they are scandalous.
He can still maintain His integrity as being a good person (never have sex with prostitute, never ask the tax collectors to give some money to Him, never tell the sick people to advertise His healing power), and yet being a friend, even to the extend as a lover to many.
That love, when it came to me last night, just broke my heart.
I just realized that I have a living example, who is a girl who desire to know me more.
You see, I never believed in fate before. I do believe though that there could be coincidence, but those happen because there might be something that God wants to tell me. But never fate.
But recently, my mentor kept on reminding me that the way I define fate makes me feel that it is not real.
I never believed in fate, because I thought that it was bullshit to me. I never had any opportunity to have the kind that just flows well to me, rightfully to me I mean.
So - being a Christian is never what I consider to be fate. I thought that I have to earn it to become one.
My mentor corrected me. He told me - we are chosen to be pre-destined to meet up with God. And that also applies for relationship as well.
So when she is sitting besides me in that MRT rail, when I start to believe that it is really fate that brought both of us together, I hastily took her hand, hold it very close, and never want to let go.
I just want to feel like this forever, but saying it sound very 'cliche'.
So I just look at her face. She asked me what.
I just. I don't know.
But I want to feel like that forever. That fate - that makes me believe in God, the Christian God - that fate, makes me believe in her.
Thanks J.
I always thought that it is easy to say, "I love you", without having to consider the consequences. I thought that fairy tales' love stories are pretty much straight forward. You don't have to think too much, just go ahead and be yourself, and start telling the girl, "My dear, I love you."
How wrong I am.
When I initially confess to her, it was not easy. Millions of things running through my head.
What if I am not good enough for her?
What if she thinks that I am not a person she could trust forever with?
What if I practiced infidelity when we are together?
When those thoughts came to mind, I realized that I might not be able to give my all to her after all.
But somehow, something hits my mind.
If I gonna keep on going through these motions of thoughts, I will never be able to move on.
That prompted me to tell her - I want to give her my all, if I could do it to the best.
Funny how just one thought in a million can change my mind so fast. It is as if after killing all your brain cells with so many unnecessary things, a simple statement like that could impulsively burn the bridges that you have been trying very hard to cross, and all you know that you need to do is to cross over that bridge.
And I wondered why, until I see her face yesterday.
I don't know what prompted me to say that, "With you beside me, I don't feel the need to see other people at all." Either that could be just a spur of a moment of love, or I truly believe in it.
Because till yesterday, I thought that there are other pretty girls out there as well.
She felt very insecure. I felt insecure as well.
I felt insecure because until last night, I still don't believe that I have gotten myself a great girlfriend. I still can't believe that she loves me as much, if not more than me. I still can't believe how sweet she treated me, and that so much love is given to me.
I thought that chasing people who I am not sure whether or not they like me is more believable, but perhaps I may have entertained that thought a lot, and it affected her.
She felt insecure when I start ogling at other girls, or start talking about other girls.
I realized how stupid I was.
Isn't it obvious that she loves you that much?
So why you still don't believe it?
Somehow this reminds me of my faith in Christianity. You know, to have Someone who loves you no matter what you do doesn't sound right. Somehow to believe in someone who loves you for the things that you do sound more believable than that.
And I initially rejected that idea also. How can I believe in that kind of Jesus, who claimed to have died for me because He loves me, when I never even met Him?
But somehow - that seemed to spark something.
From young, no one really tells me that he/she loves me for who I am. I am as a person. I am as a guy. I am as a blessed baby born into this world. But no one tells me that.
And with this kind of background, to have someone loving you no matter who you are, what you do - even though it sounds horrendously scandalous, it somehow matters to me.
I read about history, read about the validity, read about His life when He was on earth.
And I realized He meant what He said when He said He really loves everyone.
People of his days, there are hierarchy when it comes to social class. The hierarchy has religious upbringing denoted as the rank. And you could put it in this manner - Jesus was supposed to be on relatively high rank, given His statutes, His knowledge of those writings left by prophets.
But, what surprised me was that He doesn't even care if there's this thing called social class. To Him, everyone is the same. Because He loves everyone, and everyone has the same benefits.
That's why for Him to mix around with prostitute, tax collectors and physically sick - that kind of caring He showed to those people - they are scandalous.
He can still maintain His integrity as being a good person (never have sex with prostitute, never ask the tax collectors to give some money to Him, never tell the sick people to advertise His healing power), and yet being a friend, even to the extend as a lover to many.
That love, when it came to me last night, just broke my heart.
I just realized that I have a living example, who is a girl who desire to know me more.
You see, I never believed in fate before. I do believe though that there could be coincidence, but those happen because there might be something that God wants to tell me. But never fate.
But recently, my mentor kept on reminding me that the way I define fate makes me feel that it is not real.
I never believed in fate, because I thought that it was bullshit to me. I never had any opportunity to have the kind that just flows well to me, rightfully to me I mean.
So - being a Christian is never what I consider to be fate. I thought that I have to earn it to become one.
My mentor corrected me. He told me - we are chosen to be pre-destined to meet up with God. And that also applies for relationship as well.
So when she is sitting besides me in that MRT rail, when I start to believe that it is really fate that brought both of us together, I hastily took her hand, hold it very close, and never want to let go.
I just want to feel like this forever, but saying it sound very 'cliche'.
So I just look at her face. She asked me what.
I just. I don't know.
But I want to feel like that forever. That fate - that makes me believe in God, the Christian God - that fate, makes me believe in her.
Thanks J.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
She's the one
She's the one when you can feel the chemistry soon as you meet her.
She's the one who you know you can immediately click.
Not just the fact that her physical appearance instantly attract you.
Not just the fact that her presentation in front of you instantly left you breathless.
But there is this bond that could immediately attract.
Like a magnet that stick north pole to south pole.
Like a chocolate that blends well in a vanilla float.
Like a bass groove that clicks well with a drum beat.
Like a guitar with a great amplifier, when both compliment each other.
Like a girl and a guy, who immediately there's a sense of right timing.
As if the girl has been waiting for the guy, and the guy has been longing for the girl.
It just so happen that the two suddenly match each other well.
Though both came from very different background.
Though both came from very sad and broken relationships.
Though both came from very unusual circumstances.
Though both came from very unexpected upbringing.
Though both have different preferences in things they like.
Though both have different inclination towards something the other may not like.
Somehow there's this sense of togetherness.
As if one could say there's no tomorrow without the other half.
And even so - Romeo and Juliet, even on the forbidden love, still manage to be in love.
Forbidden in the sense that it is not of the kind of love Christian doctrine encourages.
It is not the kind of love that Christian should encourage himself to a non-Christian girl.
Both came from very different background, both came from very different belief in God.
One believes in his life that He is the savior, and Jesus died for His sins. Because of this, he readily gives his whole life for Him.
The other believes that there is a God, but she felt that it is not fair to believe in One true savior, and not sure if she readily wants to commit to another. Her previous relationships have Christian tarnishing the image of God and His demonstration of love for the people.
So the two, despite very different beliefs, came together liking each other a lot.
Both desire each other a lot, but both want not this to end quickly, just like any other relationships.
This time there's a silent resolution - that both really go together the path of romance - til death do us part.
Till death do us part.
And he decided, after one sleepless night and the other - he decides.
If this relationship is really meant for what He wants, it would be up to Him.
If this relationship is not what He wants, he rather Him to take it off.
He asked for deliverance, and submission in totality towards Him - the Lord who saves him daily from the wretchedness of his sins.
So here's the prayer:
"Lord, please, if it is the true relationship that You have planned for, please teach me how to give her the best respect I could, and not only forgo her past, but also embrace her as a person I could be with forever during my time while I am alive. But Lord, if it is not of what You want, take this cup of suffering of mine, take it off, bring it away from me, so that I won't be tempted to be led into the path of unrighteousness. I don't want to leave You again. I don't want to Lord. Please, Lord I surrender her totally to You. Because I love You. You who has died for my sin, Jesus. Amen."
Dedication to Her, who loves me just like how I love her, but we decide to remain friend because we realize we are going too strong too fast, and decide to take things slowly, so that we know and learn each other well - and embrace the bad habits and the good habits in the same manner.
She's the one who you know you can immediately click.
Not just the fact that her physical appearance instantly attract you.
Not just the fact that her presentation in front of you instantly left you breathless.
But there is this bond that could immediately attract.
Like a magnet that stick north pole to south pole.
Like a chocolate that blends well in a vanilla float.
Like a bass groove that clicks well with a drum beat.
Like a guitar with a great amplifier, when both compliment each other.
Like a girl and a guy, who immediately there's a sense of right timing.
As if the girl has been waiting for the guy, and the guy has been longing for the girl.
It just so happen that the two suddenly match each other well.
Though both came from very different background.
Though both came from very sad and broken relationships.
Though both came from very unusual circumstances.
Though both came from very unexpected upbringing.
Though both have different preferences in things they like.
Though both have different inclination towards something the other may not like.
Somehow there's this sense of togetherness.
As if one could say there's no tomorrow without the other half.
And even so - Romeo and Juliet, even on the forbidden love, still manage to be in love.
Forbidden in the sense that it is not of the kind of love Christian doctrine encourages.
It is not the kind of love that Christian should encourage himself to a non-Christian girl.
Both came from very different background, both came from very different belief in God.
One believes in his life that He is the savior, and Jesus died for His sins. Because of this, he readily gives his whole life for Him.
The other believes that there is a God, but she felt that it is not fair to believe in One true savior, and not sure if she readily wants to commit to another. Her previous relationships have Christian tarnishing the image of God and His demonstration of love for the people.
So the two, despite very different beliefs, came together liking each other a lot.
Both desire each other a lot, but both want not this to end quickly, just like any other relationships.
This time there's a silent resolution - that both really go together the path of romance - til death do us part.
Till death do us part.
And he decided, after one sleepless night and the other - he decides.
If this relationship is really meant for what He wants, it would be up to Him.
If this relationship is not what He wants, he rather Him to take it off.
He asked for deliverance, and submission in totality towards Him - the Lord who saves him daily from the wretchedness of his sins.
So here's the prayer:
"Lord, please, if it is the true relationship that You have planned for, please teach me how to give her the best respect I could, and not only forgo her past, but also embrace her as a person I could be with forever during my time while I am alive. But Lord, if it is not of what You want, take this cup of suffering of mine, take it off, bring it away from me, so that I won't be tempted to be led into the path of unrighteousness. I don't want to leave You again. I don't want to Lord. Please, Lord I surrender her totally to You. Because I love You. You who has died for my sin, Jesus. Amen."
Dedication to Her, who loves me just like how I love her, but we decide to remain friend because we realize we are going too strong too fast, and decide to take things slowly, so that we know and learn each other well - and embrace the bad habits and the good habits in the same manner.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tired Man
Tired Man
If ever was I tired, please do wake me up.
But just in case,
don't hurt my face by slapping it hard,
don't hurt my hands by shaking it hard,
don't hurt my stomach by hitting it hard,
don't hurt my legs by pulling it hard,
For what I really need to know is that the dream that I had,
Wasn't meant for just a simple reflection, but a seeming revelation,
That if reading a blog has squandered all your impression in me,
And just by reading it your disgust outpace your respect in me,
Then, please - tell me to stop writing things so personal that may hurt you
Tell me to stop writing things from my own point of view
So that when you refresh your browser again,
What you see if not a disillusion man writing his blog,
But a refreshed man upholding Him in prayer.
Tell me then dream, that what I dream is really just a dream,
And that it is not really what had happened.
And to the one who have read and feel disgusted about me.
And to those who have now started to hate me for being a loser.
I am sorry.
For I know that in reality I am a sinful nature being.
But it was of God that matters,
It ain't about me.
It was the Glory of what He worked in me.
It was the Glory of what He had transformed in me
It was the Glory of what mere instrument (me) He had used to extend His Kingdom
It was the Glory of what He could do even though situation were bleak like no one cares
It was this Love that Glorifies Him. So if you are still offended, and decided to have no part of me in your life...
I am sorry.
If ever was I tired, please do wake me up.
But just in case,
don't hurt my face by slapping it hard,
don't hurt my hands by shaking it hard,
don't hurt my stomach by hitting it hard,
don't hurt my legs by pulling it hard,
For what I really need to know is that the dream that I had,
Wasn't meant for just a simple reflection, but a seeming revelation,
That if reading a blog has squandered all your impression in me,
And just by reading it your disgust outpace your respect in me,
Then, please - tell me to stop writing things so personal that may hurt you
Tell me to stop writing things from my own point of view
So that when you refresh your browser again,
What you see if not a disillusion man writing his blog,
But a refreshed man upholding Him in prayer.
Tell me then dream, that what I dream is really just a dream,
And that it is not really what had happened.
And to the one who have read and feel disgusted about me.
And to those who have now started to hate me for being a loser.
I am sorry.
For I know that in reality I am a sinful nature being.
But it was of God that matters,
It ain't about me.
It was the Glory of what He worked in me.
It was the Glory of what He had transformed in me
It was the Glory of what mere instrument (me) He had used to extend His Kingdom
It was the Glory of what He could do even though situation were bleak like no one cares
It was this Love that Glorifies Him. So if you are still offended, and decided to have no part of me in your life...
I am sorry.
Monday, July 23, 2007
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
What's the feeling that I got, that can't control and tame the emotion.
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't distinguish the rights from the wrongs.
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't comprehend the speed of my heartbeat.
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't calm and make necessary judgment.
What's the feeling that I got, that can't determine the love of my life.
And...
What's the feeling that I got, that make me realized that I probably really love someone now?
Could it be that you, the person that I have been thinking all night:
You are the one I could envision staying together for most of the time.
Despite differences in place, time, and mindset, but are we still one with our love?
Despite differences in languages, communication and interest, but are we still one with our love?
You are the one I could envision having lunch, dinner and breakfast together.
Despite differences in our preferences for food, but are we still agreeing to the fact that we are together?
Despite differences in our preferences for lunch location, but are we still agreeing on the setting of the place, that romantically brings us together?
You are the one I could envision waking up in the morning, with you by my side.
Naked or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could see your face first of all in the morning greatly ease my heart.
Awake or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could read the Bible thanking God to have you by my side greatly comfort me.
Listening or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could play my favorite tune, or improvise a song on a guitar, or a nearby piano greatly soothes me.
You are the one I could envision making love to, with much passion.
Despite our differences in experience on physical intimacy, our minds desire much of each of us, being in constant contact.
Despite our differences in physical contact frequency, our hearts desire the same - our partner enjoy the moment like how Adam and Eve had their first intercourse.
You are the one I could envision having child, and building a family.
Despite our differences in amount of children we want, yet we have the same expectation that God desires for His children as well.
Despite our differences in deciding genders, yet we know that till that day when the baby is born, we are more than happy to be able to settle together as a family.
Despite our differences in teaching the child, yet we know that it is our mutual responsibility to bring up a child of God and serving fully to Him, at any age.
You are the one I know I would save my first for.
Whether or not it is the first time that I kiss you.
Whether or not it is the first time that we pray together in a quiet room, in the bedroom together.
Whether or not it is the first time that we could choose our laundries and our groceries together - or even shopping.
Whether or not it is the first time we could play duet whole day without distractions.
Whether or not it is the first time we actually had our constant physical contacts throughout the day.
Whether or not it is the first time we admire each other's physical, emotional, and spiritual nakedness before Him.
Whether or not it is the first time we have our first physical intercourse.
Whether or not it is our first time spending every of our time together.
Whether or not it is our first time.
Because I love you, and I would want to marry you.
A love poem, dedicated to the people who are in love, and ready for further commitment. - by Ren
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't distinguish the rights from the wrongs.
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't comprehend the speed of my heartbeat.
What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't calm and make necessary judgment.
What's the feeling that I got, that can't determine the love of my life.
And...
What's the feeling that I got, that make me realized that I probably really love someone now?
Could it be that you, the person that I have been thinking all night:
You are the one I could envision staying together for most of the time.
Despite differences in place, time, and mindset, but are we still one with our love?
Despite differences in languages, communication and interest, but are we still one with our love?
You are the one I could envision having lunch, dinner and breakfast together.
Despite differences in our preferences for food, but are we still agreeing to the fact that we are together?
Despite differences in our preferences for lunch location, but are we still agreeing on the setting of the place, that romantically brings us together?
You are the one I could envision waking up in the morning, with you by my side.
Naked or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could see your face first of all in the morning greatly ease my heart.
Awake or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could read the Bible thanking God to have you by my side greatly comfort me.
Listening or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could play my favorite tune, or improvise a song on a guitar, or a nearby piano greatly soothes me.
You are the one I could envision making love to, with much passion.
Despite our differences in experience on physical intimacy, our minds desire much of each of us, being in constant contact.
Despite our differences in physical contact frequency, our hearts desire the same - our partner enjoy the moment like how Adam and Eve had their first intercourse.
You are the one I could envision having child, and building a family.
Despite our differences in amount of children we want, yet we have the same expectation that God desires for His children as well.
Despite our differences in deciding genders, yet we know that till that day when the baby is born, we are more than happy to be able to settle together as a family.
Despite our differences in teaching the child, yet we know that it is our mutual responsibility to bring up a child of God and serving fully to Him, at any age.
You are the one I know I would save my first for.
Whether or not it is the first time that I kiss you.
Whether or not it is the first time that we pray together in a quiet room, in the bedroom together.
Whether or not it is the first time that we could choose our laundries and our groceries together - or even shopping.
Whether or not it is the first time we could play duet whole day without distractions.
Whether or not it is the first time we actually had our constant physical contacts throughout the day.
Whether or not it is the first time we admire each other's physical, emotional, and spiritual nakedness before Him.
Whether or not it is the first time we have our first physical intercourse.
Whether or not it is our first time spending every of our time together.
Whether or not it is our first time.
Because I love you, and I would want to marry you.
A love poem, dedicated to the people who are in love, and ready for further commitment. - by Ren
Thursday, May 3, 2007
E N L I G H T E N E D
I never thought that such calling from God would be actually called to be coincidental.
In fact, I used to believe that when there are a lot of similar coincidence, I always concluded that it was God trying to tell me something. Especially when the coincidence happened like every moment I do something.
But thanks to this subject in my university that I took on the previous semester that I have just finished, it actually questioned the coincidence regularity. Could it be the fact that I actually anticipate it, and even though to normal person's view that is not coincidental, my mind could relate the otherwise?
A stark question, but the more I think of it, the more absurd is the question.
For example - how would you think of coincidental? Unless you were in my shoe, you would not see the coincidental right? So when you say it is actually an anticipated consequences by me, shouldn't a coincidence be the same for you? We may have different occurence, but you have your different view on coincidence compared to mine, and how could I judge your coincidence?
I did not question my lecturer on this, but somehow, by coincidence - because I thought of the question during the class, and somehow, someone manage to ask this.
I would account it as premonition, but the answer was totally unexpected.
"You could be right, son. Coincidence is subjective, and it really boils down to how a person think of it as. I think of it as an anticipated outcome, and unless the coincidence stretches beyond my thinking reasoning, I would dub it as just a normal anticipated outcome."
It seemed to me - he conceded defeat. Or was it just me?
You see, for me - the coincidence is such a wonderful yet deadly thing. Or rather, it is a double edged knife. It could be exhilirating if you manage to see the person you like on a place you least expect him/her to be, but it would be awkward if you see him/her with his/her partner together. For example, I mean.
But either way, the point is clear - I believe that when coincidences happen, it happened for a reason, and I attributed to God's intervention.
I wasn't intending to go out yesterday, because I was quite tired. A trip from Malaysia back to Singapore is not something I intend it to be, because I would rather stay in Singapore and do nothing. But a duty has to be done, and I need to go back, visit my parents, and my buddies - before going back to school to deal with the administration, and the work.
The night time, I decide to kill off the time by doing some shopping. I was intending to get a punkish cap - those baseball hat with funky type of design I meant. So of all the choices that come to me - I chose to go westward to Boon Lay - Jurong Point instead.
Whilst on my way - I was very much tired - something kept on attacking my mind. It is with regards with my sexual habits.
How come, whenever I come back to Malaysia, I felt distasteful about those masturbation and thoughts of such, but when I reached Singapore, there is no such hindrance.
Furthermore, I kept on thinking, trying to do alot of reasonings (thanks to the subjects that I took) thinking could there be a deeper longing that I felt I want more - more than just those habitual things that I have been doing so far?
A chance came up to me when I reached a LIFE bookshop. I haven't visited the Christian bookstore for a long time.
The first thing that struck me when I start entering is - 'Turn off your MP3 player." I heard this voice.
It was by God. This is the first time that I heard such prompting.
It has been a while. So I guess I must heed it. You could also say - it was my gut feeling that told me I need to switch off my MP3 player. But anyway, I went in. The first book that caught my attention is the book 'The Samson Syndrome". I wasn't very much interested, so I just skim through the synopsis.
"Read the page that you would open to."
Being surprised by that sudden voice, I decided to open.
Lo and behold, the page that I read, was talking about dealing with lust.
I was quite troubled, since I was thinking about what actually bothers my sexual drive so much. And now I saw it coming. Initially I thought, it could be just a normal coincidence. I don't intend it to be.
I put the book back, thinking of other books that I could use for my spiritual growth. I saw another book, a book by John Piper - I forgot the title, something about Living out a Christian life.
"Open again."
I did not read the synopsis, since the calling prompted me. And again, it is about lust control.
I put the book back. I was horrified by such occurence.
You see, whenever I go to a bookstore (you guys may be surprised but I like to visit bookstores), I would always handpick books to read, and at least I will read like one chapter just to get the feel of how the author writes. And, it has never been the case whereby, I will open a random page, and happen to read across the same thing through different books. If there are specific books that I am looking for, I would definitely browse through similar pages, but that is after I skimmed through the content, and find what I am looking for.
This is an exception.
I distrust the coincidence. I try another book again.
Another book on Christian leadership. I randomly open a page.
"Stop at it. Read the page".
Again, it is about lust.
That was a time when I start to consult God, "God, You got something to tell me? Let me hear."
"Use the money you have to buy the books that I will prompt you to buy."
I was attracted by the book The Samson Syndrome by Mark Atteberry.
"Don't hestitate."
I took the book, and then I look around, see if there are any other book. God did not say any other things much, so I choose another book that has got to do with Christian living and how to be a good brother to other people (the title is somewhere along that line).
I put the book in my room after I was done with the shopping, and because of the tireness, I decided to sleep and read the book the next day.
And I chose to read this morning while eating breakfast. I shouldn't have done it.
As I read, I was so traumatised by how true the things that he wrote that spoke alot about me. I was already fazed by how much times I tried to be rebellious, and having a distorted mind, not knowing that I actually enjoyed it rather than trying to stick to what God wants me to do. No wonder He prompted me that day to read it.
I will continue reading it - while also continuing my other businesses... and update about the book soon. It captivated me more than Max Lucado and John Bevere so far.
In fact, I used to believe that when there are a lot of similar coincidence, I always concluded that it was God trying to tell me something. Especially when the coincidence happened like every moment I do something.
But thanks to this subject in my university that I took on the previous semester that I have just finished, it actually questioned the coincidence regularity. Could it be the fact that I actually anticipate it, and even though to normal person's view that is not coincidental, my mind could relate the otherwise?
A stark question, but the more I think of it, the more absurd is the question.
For example - how would you think of coincidental? Unless you were in my shoe, you would not see the coincidental right? So when you say it is actually an anticipated consequences by me, shouldn't a coincidence be the same for you? We may have different occurence, but you have your different view on coincidence compared to mine, and how could I judge your coincidence?
I did not question my lecturer on this, but somehow, by coincidence - because I thought of the question during the class, and somehow, someone manage to ask this.
I would account it as premonition, but the answer was totally unexpected.
"You could be right, son. Coincidence is subjective, and it really boils down to how a person think of it as. I think of it as an anticipated outcome, and unless the coincidence stretches beyond my thinking reasoning, I would dub it as just a normal anticipated outcome."
It seemed to me - he conceded defeat. Or was it just me?
You see, for me - the coincidence is such a wonderful yet deadly thing. Or rather, it is a double edged knife. It could be exhilirating if you manage to see the person you like on a place you least expect him/her to be, but it would be awkward if you see him/her with his/her partner together. For example, I mean.
But either way, the point is clear - I believe that when coincidences happen, it happened for a reason, and I attributed to God's intervention.
I wasn't intending to go out yesterday, because I was quite tired. A trip from Malaysia back to Singapore is not something I intend it to be, because I would rather stay in Singapore and do nothing. But a duty has to be done, and I need to go back, visit my parents, and my buddies - before going back to school to deal with the administration, and the work.
The night time, I decide to kill off the time by doing some shopping. I was intending to get a punkish cap - those baseball hat with funky type of design I meant. So of all the choices that come to me - I chose to go westward to Boon Lay - Jurong Point instead.
Whilst on my way - I was very much tired - something kept on attacking my mind. It is with regards with my sexual habits.
How come, whenever I come back to Malaysia, I felt distasteful about those masturbation and thoughts of such, but when I reached Singapore, there is no such hindrance.
Furthermore, I kept on thinking, trying to do alot of reasonings (thanks to the subjects that I took) thinking could there be a deeper longing that I felt I want more - more than just those habitual things that I have been doing so far?
A chance came up to me when I reached a LIFE bookshop. I haven't visited the Christian bookstore for a long time.
The first thing that struck me when I start entering is - 'Turn off your MP3 player." I heard this voice.
It was by God. This is the first time that I heard such prompting.
It has been a while. So I guess I must heed it. You could also say - it was my gut feeling that told me I need to switch off my MP3 player. But anyway, I went in. The first book that caught my attention is the book 'The Samson Syndrome". I wasn't very much interested, so I just skim through the synopsis.
"Read the page that you would open to."
Being surprised by that sudden voice, I decided to open.
Lo and behold, the page that I read, was talking about dealing with lust.
I was quite troubled, since I was thinking about what actually bothers my sexual drive so much. And now I saw it coming. Initially I thought, it could be just a normal coincidence. I don't intend it to be.
I put the book back, thinking of other books that I could use for my spiritual growth. I saw another book, a book by John Piper - I forgot the title, something about Living out a Christian life.
"Open again."
I did not read the synopsis, since the calling prompted me. And again, it is about lust control.
I put the book back. I was horrified by such occurence.
You see, whenever I go to a bookstore (you guys may be surprised but I like to visit bookstores), I would always handpick books to read, and at least I will read like one chapter just to get the feel of how the author writes. And, it has never been the case whereby, I will open a random page, and happen to read across the same thing through different books. If there are specific books that I am looking for, I would definitely browse through similar pages, but that is after I skimmed through the content, and find what I am looking for.
This is an exception.
I distrust the coincidence. I try another book again.
Another book on Christian leadership. I randomly open a page.
"Stop at it. Read the page".
Again, it is about lust.
That was a time when I start to consult God, "God, You got something to tell me? Let me hear."
"Use the money you have to buy the books that I will prompt you to buy."
I was attracted by the book The Samson Syndrome by Mark Atteberry.
"Don't hestitate."
I took the book, and then I look around, see if there are any other book. God did not say any other things much, so I choose another book that has got to do with Christian living and how to be a good brother to other people (the title is somewhere along that line).
I put the book in my room after I was done with the shopping, and because of the tireness, I decided to sleep and read the book the next day.
And I chose to read this morning while eating breakfast. I shouldn't have done it.
As I read, I was so traumatised by how true the things that he wrote that spoke alot about me. I was already fazed by how much times I tried to be rebellious, and having a distorted mind, not knowing that I actually enjoyed it rather than trying to stick to what God wants me to do. No wonder He prompted me that day to read it.
I will continue reading it - while also continuing my other businesses... and update about the book soon. It captivated me more than Max Lucado and John Bevere so far.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The Virginia Tech Massacre
I don't really know what to say on this.
Frankly speaking, I felt torn apart.
He shared so many things that I always linger upon.
Of the strongest impact - is the part where he chose to make himself becoming like a martyr to sacrifice himself to wake the 'world' of their treatment against those of less-fortunate or lower class people in US, or at least in his area.
Be honest with my feeling - that is how I strongly felt when I saw the world in that manner many years ago, when I was still a delinquent.
I was an outcast, rejected by most of the people in the community. Some saw me as a weirdo, some saw me as a deviant, but all didn't like me.
And, when he chose this method to wake the world up, I could only emphatically relate that emotion, but not his solution. The death of many, and to put it as a warning, and a sacrificial mean to support his ideals...
____________________________________________________________
I cried a little after knowing the news. In fact, initially I was saddened not just for the sake of the victim, but for his action as well. I am a Christian no doubt, and that will remain - but I felt pity for him as well. He was lost in his 'ideals, and justice'. He wanted a world that is not of oppressing the weak, but to glorify them. He wanted attentions to them, and better respect for 'dorks, geeks, and weaklings'.
I used to be the outcast, the dork, and the 'not-worth-living-organism'. I know how hard it is to feel that way. But to choose that method... I could only feel horribly sad, and cry for it.
May the victims found comfort in God through this hard time, be it the victims of the shooters, or the relatives of those killed.
And, may the rest of the world - who still live on each day as if it is all about themselves, and forget about the less-fortunate people - please take a new look at these people. They need your help, and I believe that God wants something from you as well.
34: Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.
35: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,
36: I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37: Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
38: When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
39: When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40: The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Remember, whatever you did, you do it to Jesus too.
Frankly speaking, I felt torn apart.
He shared so many things that I always linger upon.
Of the strongest impact - is the part where he chose to make himself becoming like a martyr to sacrifice himself to wake the 'world' of their treatment against those of less-fortunate or lower class people in US, or at least in his area.
Be honest with my feeling - that is how I strongly felt when I saw the world in that manner many years ago, when I was still a delinquent.
I was an outcast, rejected by most of the people in the community. Some saw me as a weirdo, some saw me as a deviant, but all didn't like me.
And, when he chose this method to wake the world up, I could only emphatically relate that emotion, but not his solution. The death of many, and to put it as a warning, and a sacrificial mean to support his ideals...
____________________________________________________________
I cried a little after knowing the news. In fact, initially I was saddened not just for the sake of the victim, but for his action as well. I am a Christian no doubt, and that will remain - but I felt pity for him as well. He was lost in his 'ideals, and justice'. He wanted a world that is not of oppressing the weak, but to glorify them. He wanted attentions to them, and better respect for 'dorks, geeks, and weaklings'.
I used to be the outcast, the dork, and the 'not-worth-living-organism'. I know how hard it is to feel that way. But to choose that method... I could only feel horribly sad, and cry for it.
May the victims found comfort in God through this hard time, be it the victims of the shooters, or the relatives of those killed.
And, may the rest of the world - who still live on each day as if it is all about themselves, and forget about the less-fortunate people - please take a new look at these people. They need your help, and I believe that God wants something from you as well.
34: Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.
35: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,
36: I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37: Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
38: When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
39: When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40: The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Remember, whatever you did, you do it to Jesus too.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
E R O S
I used to like the idea a lot.
Having a girlfriend besides me while I am studying. She just sit there, doing her reading. Occasionally, she would gaze up at her laptop, checking on her messenger to see who messages her. At times, she would run through some forums that chat about the latest fashion news online.
After a few while, noticing that she has been given a dreamy stare, she shifts her sitting to move next to me. A simple touch on my shoulder, and I would know the signal. I will then turn back to my studies, with right hand a pen readily available for writing, and a left hand holding something so dear to me, I would never want to let go, even though it is an assurance that "I am here, don't worry my dear."
Such a scenario seems ideal, but that has always been something I yearn for many years. I guess I could include decade if it wasn't the fact that I started ogling that thought while I was in Secondary 2 (14 years old).
For such a simplicity motion, denotes a profound meaning in my life.
Why such simplicity? Why can't I choose something more 'dramatic'? Think about it, I was hellbent, thanks to my dramatic past-life of being a juvenile delinquent, before God gave me a personal ticket towards heaven. Yeah, personal ticket. He came to specifically and personally bring us to Himself.
But why simple thing like this?
The first meaning that I learn from the word 'Love' is not the love I learn about Jesus Christ. I learn the word as 'eros', the love for a female counterpart. Romantic love.
But, I am dramatic. Not because I want to, but I am scared to be committed. I watched soap opera since young. I know how romantic love is like. In the beginning, you must confess your feeling to her. In the end, you have to be committed to a girl. Else, there is no other way that she would know that you like her.
I can't do both.
I am very traumatized to confess my feeling to a girl I like. It is a fear to me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she tell you blatantly, "You are not my type. Go away."
My Secondary 2's confession to a girl turns out that way. And I was humiliated in the entire school for being 'a frog trying to love a princess'.
I am worried about commitment. Commitment means you have to stick to her for a long period of time. In a proper covenant, you should stick 'til death does us apart.
I always screwed my commitment, because I don't want to be chained with norms. I don't like conformity, although I realize most of the time I would do it unconsciously. I like being a rebel. I like that kind of attention.
So feeling in love should not be the right thing for me to do.
But why, do I still entertain these fantasy?
I asked God about it.
I really did. I wasn't just wanting to play around my feeling and think, "Perhaps it is just my hormone. 'K, time to study now."
It was disturbing to me.
He guided me. Not in a way I wanted it to be, but in a way that showed His Glory a lot.
Through the days, many of my inner struggles, and my bitterness in things that don't work out - turns better and strengthened me along the way. And, I believe, romantic love, to Him, is also part of the plan.
That is why, the night, when I garnered enough courage to confess to her, and told her that I like her, it meant a lot to me.
It happened quite abruptly. I initially wanted to just do chats and rabbling about how my project failed this semester, and how I was disappointed with the way things turned out.
Either it was me, or God's plan, that our conversation somehow manage to go towards relationship. And either it was just me, or God's plan, that I could actually said these,
"You know something? I was thinking that I am not ready for a love commitment with a girl, 'cause I think I still got a lot of inner struggles, as my cell group leader justifies for me. But I can't deny this feeling I have for ... ... ... this girl I like. It was you."
It sound very awkward, because she was actually prepared to listen to my rabbling, not my confession. But she handled off very well.
A claim that she chose to have relationship after she is 21 is a sound, justifiable, and respectable. She didn't threw me off, and she didn't play mind game with me. A direct, honest answer.
And that night, after everything, I came back to my room. I sat on my bed, being silent. I looked out the window.
First time in my life - I felt normal. Nothing spectacular.
It is as if - romantic love wasn't the thing that stir me towards euphoria anymore. It is as if, like how I feel when I got rather good grades for my term assignments. It is as if I save my money enough to buy an Ipod Nano. It is as if I have finished my term assignments using my best effort, and on time.
Normal. Typical feeling.
It shows one thing - romantic love is not the thing that satisfy me. It also shows another - only God's love is quenchable to me. I can only recall the time when I keep on coming back to Christ, and I always felt so overwhelmed, that I can only breakdown and submit to God. I felt that I horribly need God.
Or at times when I play music as a musician, I would stammer or just jerk suddenly, because to me, music is like in my soul. It felt so great, it felt so ecstatic I couldn't help stay up all night, practicing whatever songs, just jamming, and I felt happy, glad, and beyond words of happiness.
So, what do I learn? Simple.
Leave it to God. If she is not for me, so be it. And it seems that - she is not for me.
But who knows? God knows.
Amen.
Having a girlfriend besides me while I am studying. She just sit there, doing her reading. Occasionally, she would gaze up at her laptop, checking on her messenger to see who messages her. At times, she would run through some forums that chat about the latest fashion news online.
After a few while, noticing that she has been given a dreamy stare, she shifts her sitting to move next to me. A simple touch on my shoulder, and I would know the signal. I will then turn back to my studies, with right hand a pen readily available for writing, and a left hand holding something so dear to me, I would never want to let go, even though it is an assurance that "I am here, don't worry my dear."
Such a scenario seems ideal, but that has always been something I yearn for many years. I guess I could include decade if it wasn't the fact that I started ogling that thought while I was in Secondary 2 (14 years old).
For such a simplicity motion, denotes a profound meaning in my life.
Why such simplicity? Why can't I choose something more 'dramatic'? Think about it, I was hellbent, thanks to my dramatic past-life of being a juvenile delinquent, before God gave me a personal ticket towards heaven. Yeah, personal ticket. He came to specifically and personally bring us to Himself.
But why simple thing like this?
The first meaning that I learn from the word 'Love' is not the love I learn about Jesus Christ. I learn the word as 'eros', the love for a female counterpart. Romantic love.
But, I am dramatic. Not because I want to, but I am scared to be committed. I watched soap opera since young. I know how romantic love is like. In the beginning, you must confess your feeling to her. In the end, you have to be committed to a girl. Else, there is no other way that she would know that you like her.
I can't do both.
I am very traumatized to confess my feeling to a girl I like. It is a fear to me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she tell you blatantly, "You are not my type. Go away."
My Secondary 2's confession to a girl turns out that way. And I was humiliated in the entire school for being 'a frog trying to love a princess'.
I am worried about commitment. Commitment means you have to stick to her for a long period of time. In a proper covenant, you should stick 'til death does us apart.
I always screwed my commitment, because I don't want to be chained with norms. I don't like conformity, although I realize most of the time I would do it unconsciously. I like being a rebel. I like that kind of attention.
So feeling in love should not be the right thing for me to do.
But why, do I still entertain these fantasy?
I asked God about it.
I really did. I wasn't just wanting to play around my feeling and think, "Perhaps it is just my hormone. 'K, time to study now."
It was disturbing to me.
He guided me. Not in a way I wanted it to be, but in a way that showed His Glory a lot.
Through the days, many of my inner struggles, and my bitterness in things that don't work out - turns better and strengthened me along the way. And, I believe, romantic love, to Him, is also part of the plan.
That is why, the night, when I garnered enough courage to confess to her, and told her that I like her, it meant a lot to me.
It happened quite abruptly. I initially wanted to just do chats and rabbling about how my project failed this semester, and how I was disappointed with the way things turned out.
Either it was me, or God's plan, that our conversation somehow manage to go towards relationship. And either it was just me, or God's plan, that I could actually said these,
"You know something? I was thinking that I am not ready for a love commitment with a girl, 'cause I think I still got a lot of inner struggles, as my cell group leader justifies for me. But I can't deny this feeling I have for ... ... ... this girl I like. It was you."
It sound very awkward, because she was actually prepared to listen to my rabbling, not my confession. But she handled off very well.
A claim that she chose to have relationship after she is 21 is a sound, justifiable, and respectable. She didn't threw me off, and she didn't play mind game with me. A direct, honest answer.
And that night, after everything, I came back to my room. I sat on my bed, being silent. I looked out the window.
First time in my life - I felt normal. Nothing spectacular.
It is as if - romantic love wasn't the thing that stir me towards euphoria anymore. It is as if, like how I feel when I got rather good grades for my term assignments. It is as if I save my money enough to buy an Ipod Nano. It is as if I have finished my term assignments using my best effort, and on time.
Normal. Typical feeling.
It shows one thing - romantic love is not the thing that satisfy me. It also shows another - only God's love is quenchable to me. I can only recall the time when I keep on coming back to Christ, and I always felt so overwhelmed, that I can only breakdown and submit to God. I felt that I horribly need God.
Or at times when I play music as a musician, I would stammer or just jerk suddenly, because to me, music is like in my soul. It felt so great, it felt so ecstatic I couldn't help stay up all night, practicing whatever songs, just jamming, and I felt happy, glad, and beyond words of happiness.
So, what do I learn? Simple.
Leave it to God. If she is not for me, so be it. And it seems that - she is not for me.
But who knows? God knows.
Amen.
Monday, April 2, 2007
R E L A T E
I have a prayer.
"God, please continue to guide me."
I have a prayer.
"God, I need Your comfort."
I have a prayer.
"God, I want Your presence in my life."
I have a prayer.
"God, let me continue to glorify You, in anyway I can."
I have a prayer.
"God, give me understanding on what happened throughout the days."
I have a prayer.
"God, so that I could reflect and be glad that God You made me whole again."
One last prayer.
"And so, God, please tell me what exactly happened?"
_________________________________________________
Clock ticking. Fan wheels spinning round. Soft-spoken nonchalant sound echoed in his mind. He couldn't figure out what exactly was that day. The last he remembered, it was after a major disappointment he faced earlier.
"Why does it happened?" still remained vivid in his mind. All the rejection of what he understood about the nature of life started to unfold as he witnessed himself the wrath of destruction.
As soon as he could count one second, from victory to failure - it is apparent that when misfortune struck, not a single gesture could match the haste. Not even the speed of light.
He remembered looking upon his project, earnest looking at what had happened. His companion stayed by his side, looking at the sudden disaster struck. Both were flabbergasted. Both response, however, were not the same.
"Did you do anything wrong on it?" was the first phrase that haunted him, even till the day he woke up after much sleeps.
The phrase took a great effect in bringing him to reality as well. Soon as he was brought from flashbacks to reality, he held on a long sigh. Nothing much could be done.
"It's over. Let's not think about it, 'k?"
His words betrayed his feelings. Not that it is his first time experiencing such trauma. There were many a times when he was holding onto the thin rope of fire that was tied between the furnace of fire, and the green pastures - after the near fatal accident nearly crippled his legs and abdomen. He, too, could never forget the time when he was charging against a Malay counterpart, with a firewood in his hand. The quick response from his enemy nearly blinded him, had not for his quick reaction. And how many could relate the time when he nearly overturned his '79 Datsun, when he tried drifting in the mountain pass, only to see himself nearly went down the hill, had it not for the cliff that stood strong, one inch away from death? What about the time when he witness the goat of Satan nearly spinned his sword onto our young boy's head, when the ritual of Anton LaVey commemorate?
But why a mere project traumatise him as much as his near-death accident?
He looked to God. With a silent prayer, he asked.
"God, I sacrifice myself so much for You. For the 2 months, I lack sleep because I trusted in Your comfort. For 2 months, I sacrifice most of my leisure time just for the dedication of this project, because we want to see Your Glory in this project. For 2 months, I maintained very hard to keep my temper at times when I nearly gone mad because of the frustrations I had with my groupmates, because we all want to see God's work in us. So why these? You even allow simultaneous and spontaneous conversation with me. Lord, You see my faith grew so strong after these events, so why all these? Why You fail my project?"
No reply.
Nothing.
He brushed it off. Opening his eyes, he looked upon the sky.
He had always liked to have his bed positioned near the window. The scenic view of the sky, with clouds hanging around the plain royal blue texture, always amazed him. Most of the time, he could see such wonderful view. That day, however, reflected his mood.
Greyish cloud, surrrounded by many darker ones, covering the once plain blue texture he always yearned for.
"Is this what You are trying to say to me?"
He had always took pride in the weather. For many a times, whenever he felt triumphant, the sky always shone the ray of light, emerging sun surfacing through the horizon, similar to that of the rising hope given to him. A greyish, cloudy signifying rain reflects his heart on heavy note, in-tuning with his sadness and sorrow. He would always vouch that it was near accurate for the weather to reflect his feeling and his walk with God.
But today, he never gave it any thought about it. For he had a thing in mind, burning so strong that he would rather not talk about it.
"Why did God betray me?"
It burned so much, and he was angered by that. Friends came and console him. Some even questioned him, thinking he himself might not put in much effort himself. Maybe you didn't sacrifice as much as what God expects from you, they said. He rationalised. It could be true, but it is also true that those sacrifices he put in weighed much more compared to those 'small things'.
His anger continued to burn. He couldn't find an explanation to this. His confusion let him to believe that what he knew of Christ was wrong. Christ wasn't merciful after all, he rationalised. He was just trying to put Himself in a good light.
And so, that anger continued the day. It was a Sunday.
Soon as he woke up, he decided to do something that he would normally do that would angered God: surf porn and violent movies.
He won't even hestitate. Satan continued to burn fire of anguish and hatred in him against God. He was bitter. No one could stop him.
But a soft side of him prompted him with a soft-spoken voice.
"It's time to go to church."
It was always a habit to him to go to church every Sunday. Not that the habit did not surface with that burning desire to seek God, but the habit sometimes overrule his faith. Most of the times, he went to church for the sake of going only. It was an obligation, rather than a joy.
Sensing his soft-spoken angel tucking his shirt, he decided to end the day of evil, with a climatic solo act. It had been a tough road for him, because he was feeling guilty on the same time when he did it. Nevertheless he didn't care anymore. He just want to show God how much He betrayed him.
His ride to the church was melancholic. A song played throughout his mind. The song that spoke of where God was throughout his time of need. Where was God in all these.
I cant remember anything
Cant tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god,wake me
Now the world is gone Im just one
Oh god,help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me
Metallica - One (Excerpt)
Had it not be for the song, he won't have to be reminded of his time when he cried while playing the piano rendition himself the day after the judgment. The reminiscence of pain and suffering, brought him back to tears on the ride. Had it not for his carefulness to not shed his tears, the passengers would have thought that he had been insane.
"God, whatever it is, even if You are silent, I am not going to say anything until You show me what I will learn today. After that we could settle the score later."
A statement that never required a reply turned out having one.
"I will, son."
It bewildered him a while. For 2 days, there weren't any response from this big-shot. Now He gave a nod, a pat, and a reply just when he never expected it. What was going on?
He entered the church feeling bewildered, and yet sad. Nothing could explain, but nothing could lift up his feeling either. He was overwhelmed by God's response, and yet he refused to believe what God has spoken to him.
"Hey, how have you been? By the way, thanks for taking over me for playing the guitar during the praise and worship session last week."
Startled, he looked to his left. A familiar face lifted up his spirit a lil'.
"Hey. No prob."
Silence.
"Are you okay?"
Silence.
"We will talk later what happened, alright?"
Silence.
Awkward. Eerie silence. He could only remain silent and be quiet.
At that moment, he felt like weeping. He could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, even though he knew he had made God angry an hour ago.
That overwhelming presence nearly knocked him into a trance.
He couldn't even fathom what happened around him, just that he subconsciously react to the lithurgy, which started off with a praise and worship session.
All he could remembered was that he felt that he was in a different place.
He closed his eyes, to see clearly where he was in.
It was still dark hour, and he saw himself walking along with some other people. He realised that they were not of the same race and ethnic that he knew of what he was. All he could recall was that his companions were all in robes and silks. It was in a forest-like garden. Everything was dark.
He stood aside to pray. In that moment, flashes of imaginary forms of motions came to him. He saw himself marrying a lady, and having children, and starting a family. He was glad about the picture, for it comforted him, and yet, he suddenly realised of what had come to his mind.
He was tempted. Not to take up the will that God wanted of Him.
And then, with his mouth, and from his bottom of his heart, he declared.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)
He stood there. And he felt something in his heart. A moment of peace. Then the moment of distilled silence. Then comes the moment of anguish. Then, the moment of pain. Then the moment of feeling betrayed.
He remembered about someone agreeing to betray him. He stood up, and look at his disciples. And from there he realised what he had been feeling.
Just on that moment, he was taken again. A drastic change from distilled silence to roar of noise, shouted almost in unison. He could barely grasped the meaning of what they said, but he recalled what happened during the event. His heavily laden back reminded him of the pain he felt. Excruciating pain brought him to realise of the fact that he was actually: carrying a cross.
His head hurted alot too much to think, but he knew what happened around. Echoes from citizens declaring "Crucify Him!" ringing in his head. His mind, worked the otherwise.
"See, don't You see these sufferings are not worth it? Just ask Your angels to sweep all these people. After all, as fast as You could destroy them, so could You to make some more."
He kept quiet. Nothing had been said. For He remembered the prayer he prayed in the Mount of Olives. And, he remembered it, being the second person joining the relation of the feelings and subconsciousness.
The moment came swiftly to the point of time when he suddenly saw himself lifted up in the sky. His excruciating pain never left him. The lethargic expression never forsake him. His hope and promise, however did.
He looked down. There were people dressing in nicely dressed robes, decorated with the signature of Judaism. He remembered how they used to come and asked for 'wisdom' from him, and now they were down there, mocking at him.
"He saved others, but He can't save himself. Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." (Mark 15:31 - 32)
Another thought then came upon to him.
"See, what they said is partially true. You can save Yourself. So, do like what they said - come down the cross. Let them see how magnificent You are."
He remained silent. That moment - he felt a strong, ugly presence.
Millions of anguish thoughts, and experience all grabs to him. All seems to move as swiftly as it was. Soon, he could see himself watching pornography, killing children, committing adultery, cheating citizens, being selfish, being immoral, sacrificing innocents for paganistic rituals, mocking the people who believed in Him. His burden was over-casting his own feeling. He could no longer felt pure. He felt dirty, guilty, ugly and worst - sinful. And that moment, he felt a presence diminishing from him. That point of time he declared:
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?) - (Mark 15:33)
That swift moment suddenly brought him back to real life. Again, as he opened his eyes, he could see the worship leader singing. The worship band playing. People all around him singing praise to God.
That moment, he wept.
And that's where he heard a whisper.
"Son, go on. Sing praise!"
He was startled, flabbergasted.
"God, what is all these about?"
"You felt what my Son felt. But that doesn't mean He is not righteous. He felt forsaken. But He also know that His promise and comfort is in Me. So should you."
"You are a giant of faith through these days. You have walked so closely with Me, that I have granted You spontaneous access to talking with Me. And I am proud of what have become of You."
"I felt your pain, but you also should know that these teach you a vital lesson. I have never forgotten about you. I am always there. Just as how Jesus felt at the end of that turmoils, which you feel earlier on, so should you to feel that I am always nearby. I don't talk to you, because I know what you actually want. You want a listener, not an advisor. You want a comforter, not to rant at Me. You are mad not at Me, but at how it ended. But what matters to Me is you, not your effort."
He remembered the song that rang along after God's declaration:
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus
Paul Baloche, Brenton Brown - Hosanna
As the song continued ringing, his tears never stopped flowing. As the praises continued to be liften up, and so, his spirit and his faith is liften up as well.
Alas, he prayed a short prayer.
"God, forgive me for making you mad. Please continued to work in my life, so that I can continue to be the giant of faith that you declared for me."
"Amen, son."
_____________________________________________________
After the day, we visited Sam's gramma. Unfortunately, Sam's gramma passed away around 2 pm. That point of time reminded me about the revelation that God gave me about my father. I too wept as much as I did during the church service (I thought I was a bit too emotional), and so, Jay tried to comfort me, and continue to encourage me as well.
I really thanked Joel, Jian Ming, Jay and the rest of the cell-group members (including Gilbert and Linus) who were there to comfort both Sam and his family. Although Jay specifically ministered to me after knowing about Sam's gramma demise, I think that probably I felt as strongly sorrowful as the rest of the members because I was relating to my own case - who is my father. The day ended quite alright, because the sorrow felt was because of the demise of a gramma, but deep in our heart, we all know, that because Sam's gramma is a devout Methodist, she will be met with joy and gladness in the heaven's gate. Pray that during these period of time - God comforts the family of Sam, and put in the joy among them as well, as they remembered who is in control.
And alas, I thanked God for putting His trust in me, even though I was the one who betrayed Him. And for the friends who comforted me - thanks be to God that they did a righteous part in reminding me of Your Grace. And lastly, thank God for the inspiration of writing this short story that reflects Your Grace, Your Mercy, and Your LOVE!
"God, please continue to guide me."
I have a prayer.
"God, I need Your comfort."
I have a prayer.
"God, I want Your presence in my life."
I have a prayer.
"God, let me continue to glorify You, in anyway I can."
I have a prayer.
"God, give me understanding on what happened throughout the days."
I have a prayer.
"God, so that I could reflect and be glad that God You made me whole again."
One last prayer.
"And so, God, please tell me what exactly happened?"
_________________________________________________
Clock ticking. Fan wheels spinning round. Soft-spoken nonchalant sound echoed in his mind. He couldn't figure out what exactly was that day. The last he remembered, it was after a major disappointment he faced earlier.
"Why does it happened?" still remained vivid in his mind. All the rejection of what he understood about the nature of life started to unfold as he witnessed himself the wrath of destruction.
As soon as he could count one second, from victory to failure - it is apparent that when misfortune struck, not a single gesture could match the haste. Not even the speed of light.
He remembered looking upon his project, earnest looking at what had happened. His companion stayed by his side, looking at the sudden disaster struck. Both were flabbergasted. Both response, however, were not the same.
"Did you do anything wrong on it?" was the first phrase that haunted him, even till the day he woke up after much sleeps.
The phrase took a great effect in bringing him to reality as well. Soon as he was brought from flashbacks to reality, he held on a long sigh. Nothing much could be done.
"It's over. Let's not think about it, 'k?"
His words betrayed his feelings. Not that it is his first time experiencing such trauma. There were many a times when he was holding onto the thin rope of fire that was tied between the furnace of fire, and the green pastures - after the near fatal accident nearly crippled his legs and abdomen. He, too, could never forget the time when he was charging against a Malay counterpart, with a firewood in his hand. The quick response from his enemy nearly blinded him, had not for his quick reaction. And how many could relate the time when he nearly overturned his '79 Datsun, when he tried drifting in the mountain pass, only to see himself nearly went down the hill, had it not for the cliff that stood strong, one inch away from death? What about the time when he witness the goat of Satan nearly spinned his sword onto our young boy's head, when the ritual of Anton LaVey commemorate?
But why a mere project traumatise him as much as his near-death accident?
He looked to God. With a silent prayer, he asked.
"God, I sacrifice myself so much for You. For the 2 months, I lack sleep because I trusted in Your comfort. For 2 months, I sacrifice most of my leisure time just for the dedication of this project, because we want to see Your Glory in this project. For 2 months, I maintained very hard to keep my temper at times when I nearly gone mad because of the frustrations I had with my groupmates, because we all want to see God's work in us. So why these? You even allow simultaneous and spontaneous conversation with me. Lord, You see my faith grew so strong after these events, so why all these? Why You fail my project?"
No reply.
Nothing.
He brushed it off. Opening his eyes, he looked upon the sky.
He had always liked to have his bed positioned near the window. The scenic view of the sky, with clouds hanging around the plain royal blue texture, always amazed him. Most of the time, he could see such wonderful view. That day, however, reflected his mood.
Greyish cloud, surrrounded by many darker ones, covering the once plain blue texture he always yearned for.
"Is this what You are trying to say to me?"
He had always took pride in the weather. For many a times, whenever he felt triumphant, the sky always shone the ray of light, emerging sun surfacing through the horizon, similar to that of the rising hope given to him. A greyish, cloudy signifying rain reflects his heart on heavy note, in-tuning with his sadness and sorrow. He would always vouch that it was near accurate for the weather to reflect his feeling and his walk with God.
But today, he never gave it any thought about it. For he had a thing in mind, burning so strong that he would rather not talk about it.
"Why did God betray me?"
It burned so much, and he was angered by that. Friends came and console him. Some even questioned him, thinking he himself might not put in much effort himself. Maybe you didn't sacrifice as much as what God expects from you, they said. He rationalised. It could be true, but it is also true that those sacrifices he put in weighed much more compared to those 'small things'.
His anger continued to burn. He couldn't find an explanation to this. His confusion let him to believe that what he knew of Christ was wrong. Christ wasn't merciful after all, he rationalised. He was just trying to put Himself in a good light.
And so, that anger continued the day. It was a Sunday.
Soon as he woke up, he decided to do something that he would normally do that would angered God: surf porn and violent movies.
He won't even hestitate. Satan continued to burn fire of anguish and hatred in him against God. He was bitter. No one could stop him.
But a soft side of him prompted him with a soft-spoken voice.
"It's time to go to church."
It was always a habit to him to go to church every Sunday. Not that the habit did not surface with that burning desire to seek God, but the habit sometimes overrule his faith. Most of the times, he went to church for the sake of going only. It was an obligation, rather than a joy.
Sensing his soft-spoken angel tucking his shirt, he decided to end the day of evil, with a climatic solo act. It had been a tough road for him, because he was feeling guilty on the same time when he did it. Nevertheless he didn't care anymore. He just want to show God how much He betrayed him.
His ride to the church was melancholic. A song played throughout his mind. The song that spoke of where God was throughout his time of need. Where was God in all these.
I cant remember anything
Cant tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god,wake me
Now the world is gone Im just one
Oh god,help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me
Metallica - One (Excerpt)
Had it not be for the song, he won't have to be reminded of his time when he cried while playing the piano rendition himself the day after the judgment. The reminiscence of pain and suffering, brought him back to tears on the ride. Had it not for his carefulness to not shed his tears, the passengers would have thought that he had been insane.
"God, whatever it is, even if You are silent, I am not going to say anything until You show me what I will learn today. After that we could settle the score later."
A statement that never required a reply turned out having one.
"I will, son."
It bewildered him a while. For 2 days, there weren't any response from this big-shot. Now He gave a nod, a pat, and a reply just when he never expected it. What was going on?
He entered the church feeling bewildered, and yet sad. Nothing could explain, but nothing could lift up his feeling either. He was overwhelmed by God's response, and yet he refused to believe what God has spoken to him.
"Hey, how have you been? By the way, thanks for taking over me for playing the guitar during the praise and worship session last week."
Startled, he looked to his left. A familiar face lifted up his spirit a lil'.
"Hey. No prob."
Silence.
"Are you okay?"
Silence.
"We will talk later what happened, alright?"
Silence.
Awkward. Eerie silence. He could only remain silent and be quiet.
At that moment, he felt like weeping. He could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, even though he knew he had made God angry an hour ago.
That overwhelming presence nearly knocked him into a trance.
He couldn't even fathom what happened around him, just that he subconsciously react to the lithurgy, which started off with a praise and worship session.
All he could remembered was that he felt that he was in a different place.
He closed his eyes, to see clearly where he was in.
It was still dark hour, and he saw himself walking along with some other people. He realised that they were not of the same race and ethnic that he knew of what he was. All he could recall was that his companions were all in robes and silks. It was in a forest-like garden. Everything was dark.
He stood aside to pray. In that moment, flashes of imaginary forms of motions came to him. He saw himself marrying a lady, and having children, and starting a family. He was glad about the picture, for it comforted him, and yet, he suddenly realised of what had come to his mind.
He was tempted. Not to take up the will that God wanted of Him.
And then, with his mouth, and from his bottom of his heart, he declared.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)
He stood there. And he felt something in his heart. A moment of peace. Then the moment of distilled silence. Then comes the moment of anguish. Then, the moment of pain. Then the moment of feeling betrayed.
He remembered about someone agreeing to betray him. He stood up, and look at his disciples. And from there he realised what he had been feeling.
Just on that moment, he was taken again. A drastic change from distilled silence to roar of noise, shouted almost in unison. He could barely grasped the meaning of what they said, but he recalled what happened during the event. His heavily laden back reminded him of the pain he felt. Excruciating pain brought him to realise of the fact that he was actually: carrying a cross.
His head hurted alot too much to think, but he knew what happened around. Echoes from citizens declaring "Crucify Him!" ringing in his head. His mind, worked the otherwise.
"See, don't You see these sufferings are not worth it? Just ask Your angels to sweep all these people. After all, as fast as You could destroy them, so could You to make some more."
He kept quiet. Nothing had been said. For He remembered the prayer he prayed in the Mount of Olives. And, he remembered it, being the second person joining the relation of the feelings and subconsciousness.
The moment came swiftly to the point of time when he suddenly saw himself lifted up in the sky. His excruciating pain never left him. The lethargic expression never forsake him. His hope and promise, however did.
He looked down. There were people dressing in nicely dressed robes, decorated with the signature of Judaism. He remembered how they used to come and asked for 'wisdom' from him, and now they were down there, mocking at him.
"He saved others, but He can't save himself. Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." (Mark 15:31 - 32)
Another thought then came upon to him.
"See, what they said is partially true. You can save Yourself. So, do like what they said - come down the cross. Let them see how magnificent You are."
He remained silent. That moment - he felt a strong, ugly presence.
Millions of anguish thoughts, and experience all grabs to him. All seems to move as swiftly as it was. Soon, he could see himself watching pornography, killing children, committing adultery, cheating citizens, being selfish, being immoral, sacrificing innocents for paganistic rituals, mocking the people who believed in Him. His burden was over-casting his own feeling. He could no longer felt pure. He felt dirty, guilty, ugly and worst - sinful. And that moment, he felt a presence diminishing from him. That point of time he declared:
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?) - (Mark 15:33)
That swift moment suddenly brought him back to real life. Again, as he opened his eyes, he could see the worship leader singing. The worship band playing. People all around him singing praise to God.
That moment, he wept.
And that's where he heard a whisper.
"Son, go on. Sing praise!"
He was startled, flabbergasted.
"God, what is all these about?"
"You felt what my Son felt. But that doesn't mean He is not righteous. He felt forsaken. But He also know that His promise and comfort is in Me. So should you."
"You are a giant of faith through these days. You have walked so closely with Me, that I have granted You spontaneous access to talking with Me. And I am proud of what have become of You."
"I felt your pain, but you also should know that these teach you a vital lesson. I have never forgotten about you. I am always there. Just as how Jesus felt at the end of that turmoils, which you feel earlier on, so should you to feel that I am always nearby. I don't talk to you, because I know what you actually want. You want a listener, not an advisor. You want a comforter, not to rant at Me. You are mad not at Me, but at how it ended. But what matters to Me is you, not your effort."
He remembered the song that rang along after God's declaration:
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus
Paul Baloche, Brenton Brown - Hosanna
As the song continued ringing, his tears never stopped flowing. As the praises continued to be liften up, and so, his spirit and his faith is liften up as well.
Alas, he prayed a short prayer.
"God, forgive me for making you mad. Please continued to work in my life, so that I can continue to be the giant of faith that you declared for me."
"Amen, son."
_____________________________________________________
After the day, we visited Sam's gramma. Unfortunately, Sam's gramma passed away around 2 pm. That point of time reminded me about the revelation that God gave me about my father. I too wept as much as I did during the church service (I thought I was a bit too emotional), and so, Jay tried to comfort me, and continue to encourage me as well.
I really thanked Joel, Jian Ming, Jay and the rest of the cell-group members (including Gilbert and Linus) who were there to comfort both Sam and his family. Although Jay specifically ministered to me after knowing about Sam's gramma demise, I think that probably I felt as strongly sorrowful as the rest of the members because I was relating to my own case - who is my father. The day ended quite alright, because the sorrow felt was because of the demise of a gramma, but deep in our heart, we all know, that because Sam's gramma is a devout Methodist, she will be met with joy and gladness in the heaven's gate. Pray that during these period of time - God comforts the family of Sam, and put in the joy among them as well, as they remembered who is in control.
And alas, I thanked God for putting His trust in me, even though I was the one who betrayed Him. And for the friends who comforted me - thanks be to God that they did a righteous part in reminding me of Your Grace. And lastly, thank God for the inspiration of writing this short story that reflects Your Grace, Your Mercy, and Your LOVE!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Blessed be THY NAME!
B L E S S E D - B E - T H E - N A M E!
It has been a while since I actually have the time to blog whatever comes to my mind. In fact, it has really been a long time since I manage to blog something out of this.
I have a few things to share.
In the dream on the night - something very vivid comes to my mind. Initially I thought of it as something normal. However, it takes on a bleak introduction.
It introduces a place back in my hometown, but with an obvious very developed situated urban area. I was still the same age, but being brought to a slightly different era. My hometown friends who were my classmates, they all seem older than me - granted that they have their own work in different kind of institution, yet still remaining at the same place. I found out, much later, that I was actually staying at my hometown for the vacation, and that I was now doing mainstream music with my band members.
Even though it seemed to be nice - knowing that most of what I want to do came through, the starting of the dream was, in fact, something bad. I did not see my father at all throughout the dream, and I was already wondering why. Even amusing is the fact that I never asked my mother, who apparently still work - although her hairstyling saloon seemed to upgrade to a much more modern state, and she looked so much younger, despite her age at 65 (my mom is currently 60). My sister was teaching in Singapore in my dream, and she was earning quite well, still based in my hometown during weekends.
The typical family, but the presence of my father is not there.
Everything is melancholic, although the question of where my father is still boiling in my thought in my dream. Such an irony, but that is how I thought I felt.
The story progressed nonchalantly from waking up in the morning, then driving my family (without my father) to my mom's saloon, where I will just stay in my studio (I realised that I have converted one of the supposed study room into my own jamming studio - playing my guitar, and devoting my time to God there. My sister will occasionally come out and help with book-keeping (which I also do when it is my shift) for my mom. Otherwise, she will stay inside the saloon, preparing lunch and watching TV while inside. Then comes a time when I meet my hometown friends. Most of them are married, left me alone, who apparently seems to find difficulty still resolving my issue between finding a commitment and having friendship. We chatted gladly, although there are times where I just felt I couldn't fit into the crowd. Well, that is what will happen if you stay in Singapore, and mix with your co-horts there for too long.
It was a short visit from my friends, since they are not interested in the kind of music I did with my band, so I am basically left alone afterwards, helping with my mom occasionally when my sister is not free (she needs to mark her students' assignments). So most of the time, what I did was those that I still normally does in real life.
The point of climax come when it reaches night time. After dinner (I came back from soccer in the sport field nearby, taken a bath, and ate dinner with them) my mom received a call. She was quite jovial initially when she heard the phone call, but her facial expression turned horror after she hung up.
She answered the question that had been bugging me for a long time.
"We need to go to the hospital now. Dad - might not live long."
I was flabbergasted. I couldn't say anything.
At the age of 65?
No. That wasn't the question.
Why? What happened?
"It is the old age thing, son. Come, lets go now."
Millions of questions bogged my mind as I drive them to the hospital. It is not the local hospital (I was a lil' surprised that I know the way - though it took 1 hour to reach there). Nobody spoke to try to answer my questions, but I know that it is not the right time to ask.
But among of those millions that came at once to my thought - one prominent thought came to me - is my family saved?
I did not notice my mom having her Buddist altar, and I didn't notice my sister having her Bible with her, but I sensed that my family is still not yet saved. Even so, I just kept quiet all the way. I dared not say anything bad that can cause discomfort.
The question, as if it comes soon as I made the point to want to find it answered, becomes solved when I saw my dad on his hospital bed.
I did not have time to notice the surroundings, but it seemed that it is a good hospital. Nicely air-con, great facilities. But those are not the issue.
My father still looked jovial and happy, despite my mom declaration that he might not live long. In fact, he didn't look different from the real life that I know of him. He still spoke normally. Like his usual self. I don't understand why, and what happened.
After a few word of my mom asking him how he has been, and things like that, my father requested that he and me have a private talk, before we all meet together again.
The private talk - that is the main theme. And the crucial part of my life.
"Son. I am sorry."
"Why?"
"I heard from sister. I did not know you suffer so much because of me."
"Dad, no. I have become a better person now. I have lived right now."
"No. I did not know I cause you so much emotional pains and psychological torture so far. Please forgive me son."
"Dad. Please don't"
I was on the brink of breaking down, when my Dad said this.
"Son. I am not worth to be a Christian. And I can't. How could I have done such a thing to you in your entire life?"
"Dad... no..."
I kept on pleading my dad, that he was wrong. God made it for good. But I just can't say it. I was heartbroken. Really heartbroken. I cried.
"Son... I want you to know that you have become a so much better person. I really am proud of you. So please continue to be who you are right now, even though Mom don't like the idea of you being a Christian."
"You know, Son. When I was young, I study in a Christian school. I was taught alot about the salvation through Jesus Christ, and what is really good about being a Christian. But I am never able to tell God directly that I need to be saved, because I don't think I am worth His salvation."
"But you - even though you were so similar to me when I was young, in fact worse, you are still able to give to God your life. And for that - I am proud of you. But I cannot become a Christian. I will never be."
At this point of time - he asked me to bring the family back in.
"Dad. Please believe in God. He really can cleanse and forgive you. He never wants to condemn you. He came to save you. He faced what you faced."
He kept quiet. I can sense him coming close to death. He insisted on telling me to bring them in.
I reluctantly brought them in. Dad just said a few words. He never showed alot of affection to my sis and my Mom (there is still concern and care), just that we all just remain with Dad for some times, before he finally said, "I need to go. My time is near. Goodbye."
His last glance pointed at me. With a smiley face, he looked at me - and close his eyes.
My family cried nevertheless, but I cried the most. Even Mom was quite surprised at my reaction, knowing that I used to harbour hatred to my Dad.
This point of time, I woke up suddenly, with tears in my face. It was horrendous feeling.
"God, why can't I save my father?" WHY?
The thought of this alone, really make me heartbroken. So much that even as I struggle to finish writing this blog, I can't help crying over it.
The impact of this dream, or rather a vision, made me cried bitterly for one hour - just blaming myself about this.
I tried so hard to ask God why He gave me such dream. Does it serves as a warning, or is it a revelation?
I remembered my hatred for my Dad since young, when I was in juvenile - even to a point of thinking about killing him myself, and that reminiscence itself struck me even worse.
But God - He really ... He never gave up on me.
He answered me and comforted me through the morning devotion. And again - I cried when I read the Bible. Although it has frequently become my habit of reading the Bible, and felt very emotional whenever I grasped the meaning, the message on that day alone - really fits in the bill of what I have been trying to find.
Hebrew 2:16 - 18
16: For surely, it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
17: For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
18: Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
I just broke down. Literally.
Why can't I said that to Dad? Why...
That day, when I think about it, I just feel so overwhelmed, that I prayed that God, may it be that this message serves as my important reminder that one day - one fine day - my family's salvation could be saved. Especially my dad. He walked the same footsteps as I did, although I was much more worse compared to him. And I want him to know, God will always work in us, and GOD STILL LOVES US NO MATTER WHO WE ARE, AND WHAT WE HAVE DONE.
Please, for the rest of the people who read this: believe me - God really loves you. He really loves you.
We have not much time left. I really need to tell my family about God. They really need to know His Love, and His grace. And so should you.
It has been a while since I actually have the time to blog whatever comes to my mind. In fact, it has really been a long time since I manage to blog something out of this.
I have a few things to share.
In the dream on the night - something very vivid comes to my mind. Initially I thought of it as something normal. However, it takes on a bleak introduction.
It introduces a place back in my hometown, but with an obvious very developed situated urban area. I was still the same age, but being brought to a slightly different era. My hometown friends who were my classmates, they all seem older than me - granted that they have their own work in different kind of institution, yet still remaining at the same place. I found out, much later, that I was actually staying at my hometown for the vacation, and that I was now doing mainstream music with my band members.
Even though it seemed to be nice - knowing that most of what I want to do came through, the starting of the dream was, in fact, something bad. I did not see my father at all throughout the dream, and I was already wondering why. Even amusing is the fact that I never asked my mother, who apparently still work - although her hairstyling saloon seemed to upgrade to a much more modern state, and she looked so much younger, despite her age at 65 (my mom is currently 60). My sister was teaching in Singapore in my dream, and she was earning quite well, still based in my hometown during weekends.
The typical family, but the presence of my father is not there.
Everything is melancholic, although the question of where my father is still boiling in my thought in my dream. Such an irony, but that is how I thought I felt.
The story progressed nonchalantly from waking up in the morning, then driving my family (without my father) to my mom's saloon, where I will just stay in my studio (I realised that I have converted one of the supposed study room into my own jamming studio - playing my guitar, and devoting my time to God there. My sister will occasionally come out and help with book-keeping (which I also do when it is my shift) for my mom. Otherwise, she will stay inside the saloon, preparing lunch and watching TV while inside. Then comes a time when I meet my hometown friends. Most of them are married, left me alone, who apparently seems to find difficulty still resolving my issue between finding a commitment and having friendship. We chatted gladly, although there are times where I just felt I couldn't fit into the crowd. Well, that is what will happen if you stay in Singapore, and mix with your co-horts there for too long.
It was a short visit from my friends, since they are not interested in the kind of music I did with my band, so I am basically left alone afterwards, helping with my mom occasionally when my sister is not free (she needs to mark her students' assignments). So most of the time, what I did was those that I still normally does in real life.
The point of climax come when it reaches night time. After dinner (I came back from soccer in the sport field nearby, taken a bath, and ate dinner with them) my mom received a call. She was quite jovial initially when she heard the phone call, but her facial expression turned horror after she hung up.
She answered the question that had been bugging me for a long time.
"We need to go to the hospital now. Dad - might not live long."
I was flabbergasted. I couldn't say anything.
At the age of 65?
No. That wasn't the question.
Why? What happened?
"It is the old age thing, son. Come, lets go now."
Millions of questions bogged my mind as I drive them to the hospital. It is not the local hospital (I was a lil' surprised that I know the way - though it took 1 hour to reach there). Nobody spoke to try to answer my questions, but I know that it is not the right time to ask.
But among of those millions that came at once to my thought - one prominent thought came to me - is my family saved?
I did not notice my mom having her Buddist altar, and I didn't notice my sister having her Bible with her, but I sensed that my family is still not yet saved. Even so, I just kept quiet all the way. I dared not say anything bad that can cause discomfort.
The question, as if it comes soon as I made the point to want to find it answered, becomes solved when I saw my dad on his hospital bed.
I did not have time to notice the surroundings, but it seemed that it is a good hospital. Nicely air-con, great facilities. But those are not the issue.
My father still looked jovial and happy, despite my mom declaration that he might not live long. In fact, he didn't look different from the real life that I know of him. He still spoke normally. Like his usual self. I don't understand why, and what happened.
After a few word of my mom asking him how he has been, and things like that, my father requested that he and me have a private talk, before we all meet together again.
The private talk - that is the main theme. And the crucial part of my life.
"Son. I am sorry."
"Why?"
"I heard from sister. I did not know you suffer so much because of me."
"Dad, no. I have become a better person now. I have lived right now."
"No. I did not know I cause you so much emotional pains and psychological torture so far. Please forgive me son."
"Dad. Please don't"
I was on the brink of breaking down, when my Dad said this.
"Son. I am not worth to be a Christian. And I can't. How could I have done such a thing to you in your entire life?"
"Dad... no..."
I kept on pleading my dad, that he was wrong. God made it for good. But I just can't say it. I was heartbroken. Really heartbroken. I cried.
"Son... I want you to know that you have become a so much better person. I really am proud of you. So please continue to be who you are right now, even though Mom don't like the idea of you being a Christian."
"You know, Son. When I was young, I study in a Christian school. I was taught alot about the salvation through Jesus Christ, and what is really good about being a Christian. But I am never able to tell God directly that I need to be saved, because I don't think I am worth His salvation."
"But you - even though you were so similar to me when I was young, in fact worse, you are still able to give to God your life. And for that - I am proud of you. But I cannot become a Christian. I will never be."
At this point of time - he asked me to bring the family back in.
"Dad. Please believe in God. He really can cleanse and forgive you. He never wants to condemn you. He came to save you. He faced what you faced."
He kept quiet. I can sense him coming close to death. He insisted on telling me to bring them in.
I reluctantly brought them in. Dad just said a few words. He never showed alot of affection to my sis and my Mom (there is still concern and care), just that we all just remain with Dad for some times, before he finally said, "I need to go. My time is near. Goodbye."
His last glance pointed at me. With a smiley face, he looked at me - and close his eyes.
My family cried nevertheless, but I cried the most. Even Mom was quite surprised at my reaction, knowing that I used to harbour hatred to my Dad.
This point of time, I woke up suddenly, with tears in my face. It was horrendous feeling.
"God, why can't I save my father?" WHY?
The thought of this alone, really make me heartbroken. So much that even as I struggle to finish writing this blog, I can't help crying over it.
The impact of this dream, or rather a vision, made me cried bitterly for one hour - just blaming myself about this.
I tried so hard to ask God why He gave me such dream. Does it serves as a warning, or is it a revelation?
I remembered my hatred for my Dad since young, when I was in juvenile - even to a point of thinking about killing him myself, and that reminiscence itself struck me even worse.
But God - He really ... He never gave up on me.
He answered me and comforted me through the morning devotion. And again - I cried when I read the Bible. Although it has frequently become my habit of reading the Bible, and felt very emotional whenever I grasped the meaning, the message on that day alone - really fits in the bill of what I have been trying to find.
Hebrew 2:16 - 18
16: For surely, it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
17: For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
18: Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
I just broke down. Literally.
Why can't I said that to Dad? Why...
That day, when I think about it, I just feel so overwhelmed, that I prayed that God, may it be that this message serves as my important reminder that one day - one fine day - my family's salvation could be saved. Especially my dad. He walked the same footsteps as I did, although I was much more worse compared to him. And I want him to know, God will always work in us, and GOD STILL LOVES US NO MATTER WHO WE ARE, AND WHAT WE HAVE DONE.
Please, for the rest of the people who read this: believe me - God really loves you. He really loves you.
We have not much time left. I really need to tell my family about God. They really need to know His Love, and His grace. And so should you.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Great God
I was in a dilemma, and my heart was in the state of chaos, when the Lord intervened in my heart.
"Ren Kang, be still. Listen to Me."
I tried very hard to still my heart. Deadlines after deadlines come to play. My projects' neverending seems relentless.
"I know you have been in so much sufferings in studies. But now be still, and listen to Me."
This is one of the few rare times that I felt God's peace to me. And with that peace, I manage to finish my hardware design and my Java project. Though that seems like a small matter, but that seems big to me, considering the fact that I have been struggling for one week plus to do them.
I am still many many miles from completion, but I thanked God for His mercy for me.
Tribute to also Lynn and Jocie for talking with me. You guys are God's gracious friends for me. Thanks to Ivy too, for listening to me yesterday night of my plea, and send me those encouraging songs.
"Ren Kang, be still. Listen to Me."
I tried very hard to still my heart. Deadlines after deadlines come to play. My projects' neverending seems relentless.
"I know you have been in so much sufferings in studies. But now be still, and listen to Me."
This is one of the few rare times that I felt God's peace to me. And with that peace, I manage to finish my hardware design and my Java project. Though that seems like a small matter, but that seems big to me, considering the fact that I have been struggling for one week plus to do them.
I am still many many miles from completion, but I thanked God for His mercy for me.
Tribute to also Lynn and Jocie for talking with me. You guys are God's gracious friends for me. Thanks to Ivy too, for listening to me yesterday night of my plea, and send me those encouraging songs.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Breaking The Habit
I read an article from the Wikipedia - on this song called 'Breaking The Habit'. It speaks about a person trying to break his drug/substance/sexual abuse, and the resolution seems bleak. What actually strikes me is that it speaks of Chester Bennington, the screaming vocalist for Linkin Park, of his past struggles with his sexual and drug abuse since young. It is said that he can't perform live for that song until recently because the thought of the song always brought him to tears.
Such impact depicts something: song that speaks the heart of the matter - that itself, could break the heart of the person.
Such impact depicts something: song that speaks the heart of the matter - that itself, could break the heart of the person.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
The mind that goes wild
There have been many a night that I am thinking about relationship with girls. And I am not just saying it - as if it is like part of my life, and it should not constitute much problem to me. In fact, as an adult, there should be many other things that I am more worried about. For example, my studies in University - how I still maintain integrity and consistency despite having a turbulent semester last year; my band, am I still keen on doing it as my main career with my newfound band members; and the most important part of all - my own character building - have I been doing something right or wrong in the first place?
So many thoughts in my mind, but in fact none compared to the strength of this. The struggle of the issue of falling in love with a girl.
Last night, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. Something inside me needs to be decide. If I continue to be in this constant pendulum swinging from being quiet to being friendly without standing still and proclaiming what I have been throughout these days, it is not going to help anyone. Particularly - the way I look at the girl that I like.
Call her A.
In particularly these days, when during Christmas, I got so interested to chat with her face-to-face, after chatting online for several month. 10 months to be exact. Not that I am comfortable with it, but when she is at the other continent of where I am living; when she is studying a pre-university course where else I am already halfway to graduate as a university student; when her interest is only to chat with me in the name of friendship where else I am having thought of asking her out as my girlfriend.
Such distraction shouldn't be downplayed, and because I choose to downplay it, the meeting face to face aggravate my fantasy more. I could not sleep the night after we had our face on chatting session, and perhaps I have made it too obvious for her to suspect things like this. I don't want to wreak the relationship we had already been having - good net-friends, yet I know that staying in this comfort zone is not what I intended to be. It is not a good ground for me. I went through something horrible than this because of complacency, and I don't want to sorta do it again.
It was with the other girl. Call her B. She is studying in New York. Unlike A, she is in the same year wiht me. Studying third year as in marketing, waiting to graduate too.
We talk on the net more often too, but there come to a stage when I tried again. In fact, I knew it was not the right call for me. I was just anxious, and giving flowery words. She told me she is glad for me, but she knew that I am not sincere. I had someone in mind. When I told her that I never had a serious one before, she thought I was joking.
I was not joking. I have never had a serious relationship. But I had a serious crush on a girl I should not.
She and me had so much social class difference. Parents believe the different thing. Her parents believed in Jesus Christ, and so am I. My parents believed in Buddism, and my father believed in science. Her parents think far beyond just money and materialism. They care for their children alot, and they are friendly to me. My parents would rather us become a tool of income for them.
Actually, I had quite a number of resentment towards my parents, but as times come, I learned to forgive most of those resentment that I have towards them. So it won't do justice for me to elaborate about them here.
So back to this.
She had clean record on her Christianity account. I came from terrible bouts of turmoil before landing to know her. I used to do nasty thing that not many people could imagine a Christian could do, but I learned to compose myself more as times come by. She had great account with people around her: citing her for being friendly - but I had some bad history with certain people because of my previous own fault account and also my bad attitude towards certain people.
Sometime I hide the thought of asking her out, because I always have the thought of being negative and knowing that me and her will be impossible. There are many times when I manage to convince myself to just forget about asking her out, and try for other people. However in the end, I would cry late at night, calling myself being useless. I am lousy as a guy - be frank.
So, when the meeting occurs between A and me that night, though we went off in a group, all I could see is me and her alone. After that night I SMSed her to tell her that she was great, this and that - but I didn't send across the main message - thanks for giving me the chance to chat with you face to face.
It took me 3 long days to convince myself that it would never happen again, because I don't want to advance to close and to make things too obvious that I took an interest on her. But on the last day before I confessed, I sensed that I cannot hide it anymore. There were many nights that I would just think of her and pray for her fervently. And I know it is wrong. I should put God's promise in priority list, then my walk with God, then my studies. Relationship supposed to be something that God will provide. Instead, I prayed in this manner: "God, please bless A in anyway that you can. You know that she is currently taking exam, blah blah blah..." Well, I do pray for myself, but I realised I have become more and more selfish at the end of the whole bout.
So while I did not know what I am going to do with it, I told her about my struggle to her. And I told her that I had a crush on her, and I had difficulty concealing my thought.
Well, guess what - before I could ask her out, I knew what she would respond - so I never asked her out.
Well, of course, she rejected me in an indirect manner. She told me that she felt it is not ready yet, and she had no intention having one.
After all these - you would have thought that I am gonna cry out loud. After all, I told her that despite telling her all these, I hope it wouldn't jeopardize our relationship as being good friends. I took her as my best net friend, though I think she just take me as a normal friend. Well, imagine, being rejected as a boyfriend is already sad enough to bring me to sadness.
Instead, I felt enlightened. I did not cry or whatsoever. I suddenly realised, how much I had neglected God. I remembered the early days after my revelation that I was so fervent for the Lord, that I would dare myself to proclaim myself to people that I love God so much. Where has all those gone to? Is it because of being complacent to the current situation whereby I am safe and sound even without the presence of God that makes feel that I am alright with the situation I am in right now?
This morning, I felt slightly different. After the confession, I realise that perhaps she is right. I am not ready either. I still got plenty to learn from God before I can go and have a partner for life. No, in fact, even after I found my wife, I may have plenty of things to learn from God too, but I know for now, I am still far from ready. So, why not learn first like a baby from God about His Word?
So many thoughts in my mind, but in fact none compared to the strength of this. The struggle of the issue of falling in love with a girl.
Last night, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. Something inside me needs to be decide. If I continue to be in this constant pendulum swinging from being quiet to being friendly without standing still and proclaiming what I have been throughout these days, it is not going to help anyone. Particularly - the way I look at the girl that I like.
Call her A.
In particularly these days, when during Christmas, I got so interested to chat with her face-to-face, after chatting online for several month. 10 months to be exact. Not that I am comfortable with it, but when she is at the other continent of where I am living; when she is studying a pre-university course where else I am already halfway to graduate as a university student; when her interest is only to chat with me in the name of friendship where else I am having thought of asking her out as my girlfriend.
Such distraction shouldn't be downplayed, and because I choose to downplay it, the meeting face to face aggravate my fantasy more. I could not sleep the night after we had our face on chatting session, and perhaps I have made it too obvious for her to suspect things like this. I don't want to wreak the relationship we had already been having - good net-friends, yet I know that staying in this comfort zone is not what I intended to be. It is not a good ground for me. I went through something horrible than this because of complacency, and I don't want to sorta do it again.
It was with the other girl. Call her B. She is studying in New York. Unlike A, she is in the same year wiht me. Studying third year as in marketing, waiting to graduate too.
We talk on the net more often too, but there come to a stage when I tried again. In fact, I knew it was not the right call for me. I was just anxious, and giving flowery words. She told me she is glad for me, but she knew that I am not sincere. I had someone in mind. When I told her that I never had a serious one before, she thought I was joking.
I was not joking. I have never had a serious relationship. But I had a serious crush on a girl I should not.
She and me had so much social class difference. Parents believe the different thing. Her parents believed in Jesus Christ, and so am I. My parents believed in Buddism, and my father believed in science. Her parents think far beyond just money and materialism. They care for their children alot, and they are friendly to me. My parents would rather us become a tool of income for them.
Actually, I had quite a number of resentment towards my parents, but as times come, I learned to forgive most of those resentment that I have towards them. So it won't do justice for me to elaborate about them here.
So back to this.
She had clean record on her Christianity account. I came from terrible bouts of turmoil before landing to know her. I used to do nasty thing that not many people could imagine a Christian could do, but I learned to compose myself more as times come by. She had great account with people around her: citing her for being friendly - but I had some bad history with certain people because of my previous own fault account and also my bad attitude towards certain people.
Sometime I hide the thought of asking her out, because I always have the thought of being negative and knowing that me and her will be impossible. There are many times when I manage to convince myself to just forget about asking her out, and try for other people. However in the end, I would cry late at night, calling myself being useless. I am lousy as a guy - be frank.
So, when the meeting occurs between A and me that night, though we went off in a group, all I could see is me and her alone. After that night I SMSed her to tell her that she was great, this and that - but I didn't send across the main message - thanks for giving me the chance to chat with you face to face.
It took me 3 long days to convince myself that it would never happen again, because I don't want to advance to close and to make things too obvious that I took an interest on her. But on the last day before I confessed, I sensed that I cannot hide it anymore. There were many nights that I would just think of her and pray for her fervently. And I know it is wrong. I should put God's promise in priority list, then my walk with God, then my studies. Relationship supposed to be something that God will provide. Instead, I prayed in this manner: "God, please bless A in anyway that you can. You know that she is currently taking exam, blah blah blah..." Well, I do pray for myself, but I realised I have become more and more selfish at the end of the whole bout.
So while I did not know what I am going to do with it, I told her about my struggle to her. And I told her that I had a crush on her, and I had difficulty concealing my thought.
Well, guess what - before I could ask her out, I knew what she would respond - so I never asked her out.
Well, of course, she rejected me in an indirect manner. She told me that she felt it is not ready yet, and she had no intention having one.
After all these - you would have thought that I am gonna cry out loud. After all, I told her that despite telling her all these, I hope it wouldn't jeopardize our relationship as being good friends. I took her as my best net friend, though I think she just take me as a normal friend. Well, imagine, being rejected as a boyfriend is already sad enough to bring me to sadness.
Instead, I felt enlightened. I did not cry or whatsoever. I suddenly realised, how much I had neglected God. I remembered the early days after my revelation that I was so fervent for the Lord, that I would dare myself to proclaim myself to people that I love God so much. Where has all those gone to? Is it because of being complacent to the current situation whereby I am safe and sound even without the presence of God that makes feel that I am alright with the situation I am in right now?
This morning, I felt slightly different. After the confession, I realise that perhaps she is right. I am not ready either. I still got plenty to learn from God before I can go and have a partner for life. No, in fact, even after I found my wife, I may have plenty of things to learn from God too, but I know for now, I am still far from ready. So, why not learn first like a baby from God about His Word?
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