My Love in Music, and My Hope in Using it Rightfully

Part I: The Gift Acknowledgment

I have been having tough weeks, since the beginning of me joining my company till today. Every now and then I look at my electric guitar, bass guitar, my classical acoustic, the effect pedals, my keyboard... and every day I am depressed to think I can only play them full time when I leave the profession of mainstream work and commit to a full time work as a musician/producer.

Every Friday night, I remembered going back home feeling extremely unhappy, because I remembered the days when I could play music all Friday long, and jamming the way. Sometimes, I remembered the awkwardness to play those tunes as I tried nowadays, because all I could hear is a single instrument playing, whichever it was. And many times, I almost drown myself in tears thinking that I couldn't do it in a community that I felt I could relate to, and share my passion of doing it for God.

On recent notes, I thought of playing music alone, writing songs myself and tried to dictate myself to have a disciplined life of maintaining work and my music. I tried in vain as well to continue the passion of listening some songs that I really hope to be able to produce it live, on stage. Just like how I did back then when I was in my university years. During those days, I could jam every day, forgetting school and life, and just jam - because I have a bunch of friends who shared my passions for music.

Now, when I think about that life I lived, I somehow felt nostalgic, yet regretful. I left that band because of their insistence to do music the mainstream way: sex and rock 'n roll. I have struggles with sexual immorality, and I needed a strong time out to get away, and focus on music for what's worth. And in that decision, I have to choose the lonelier road to recovery. Which often fails.

Every Friday night, I look at the first song that I wrote at length, and I couldn't help crying over the tune. The raw tune of desolation and agony. The need to be heard and the need want to share this burden with someone, who would even care about my pain of idleness and lonely struggle.

I looked at my song 'Epiphany of Misery' with some guilt and shame, because that was written at the height of my depression over life. Suicidal tendencies are prominent because I need so much to be heard, whoever it is. At that time, God is in my mind but not to the sense of comfortable sharing with Him my struggles. And when I tried to rewrite the song, I cannot help but felt jaded and often depressed about recollecting the passion of writing that song with intense shame about life.

I will not say what the song is about, because I intend to release the song on the blog when I have the time to write, but I wish that one day, even if I were to die anytime soon, I will end my life with that song.

But...

Whenever I think about writing songs, I felt extreme regretful and ashamed. I am not able to write songs that give hope. I seemed to be perpetually lost in my own world, forgetting about God's immense grace on my life. How, in the first place, my ability to randomly play music was actually a gift from God, not my own self-induced hallucination or possession.

I remembered the first time I am able to play piano. It was in my third year, in the midst of a depression. I completed my song 'Epiphany of Misery', and at one point of my life, I decide to randomly think about life and start to play around chords to relate my life. I passed through the piano lounge near my hostel, and decide to try something. Honestly, I was just expecting simple chord plays.

That chord plays ended up being a tune of what I later remembered as the tune of 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica. And I did improvisations the way I never expect myself to do. All within my first time.

The pleasure of playing is immense, and I remembered skipping my lecture just playing plenty tunes along the way. 'Wake Me Up When September Comes' by Green Day, 'Pieces' by Sum 41, 'Closing Time' by Semisonic, 'In The End' by Linkin Park... the tunes just went off. And I did a few of own improvisation on that piano.

It was monumental. I knew that I could never do it if I thought consciously how to play piano. It was in my semi-consciousness that I am able to play. And that semi-consciousness nowadays have become the consciousness in me. And I start to learn how to play more improvisations in different keys, and I am greatly thankful that I could it just by listening.

And it is in all these that I reminded myself that these were the gift of God, not of men. My ability to play songs, to write a little, and to play instruments I could never imagine... I am very humbled to think that God has never given up on me, despite my often giving up on myself.

Part II: The Temptation, Escaping...

To be frank, I am not a strong willed person. It probably come through from my extreme emotional characteristics. I get very happy and sad easily, and I swing in between the emotions in the split seconds if I have to. There hence, whenever a decision is made, it may change as time goes, especially when difficult circumstances arise.

I remembered the reason why I couldn't do music was because of my commitment in work. In my current work place, it is difficult to maintain the 9 to 5 work mentality. Sure, technically I should be so, but because of the workload I have been having on recent notes, it has been difficult to maintain that culture. Often time, I went back home tired and still thinking about my work, and tried to plan in my mind what to do at work the next day. Maintaining a dichotomy between work and life is difficult for me, especially when it became an integral part of who I am. I am not exactly interested in my work but I am enjoying some of the incentives there which indirectly feeds to my interest: I am doing home theater products. So I will be able to get, ultimately, good deals on home theaters. I already have a few of them at home, in which I am enjoying with through listening to various music and even playing my music through them. Which I think, is a sad thing.

I often tell myself that I should not maintain this kind of rhythm too long, so I decide that after my current project (which will end on early January, if the project runs smoothly), I will take a month break for my leg to heal (the ingrown nails had hurt the flesh of my thumb that it is important to do a cleansing of the fungus infection inside the toe nail. Gross stuff). In that time, I will look for a better job offer. Probably higher pay and lesser commitment.

But...

Every week, especially on a Friday night and sometimes the whole Saturday - I would lament of this kind of lifestyle, the rhythm that's very monotonous - and I got back home slightly late (8 pm), with a tired physical body to maintain. I jogged 2-3 times a week, but not enough to keep my body in check for long hours. I sleep early because I don't want to dwell into too much emotional jargon on the disappointments in not able to play music freely as how I want to be. I tried jamming occasionally with people who loved music, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to love the way they did (I saw their love for music as a form of escapades). And the only time I think I would feel great about playing music was when I am able to finish writing songs for someone who I knew both shared the passion for writing extremely deep and well intended music. And that, till this day has never happened in my life.

A good friend suggested to be content with life the way it is, and learn to take one thing at a time. Sometimes I found that to be mockery of my intelligence. One step at a time? Look at where I am. Yeah, I am taking one thing at a time, and every week I am very disappointed with holding up myself in a house with my own sanity to deal with. I could only dabble in pornography as a mean to ease myself from the pain of disappointment in life and pain and hurt. Of course, various other reasons, such as hungering for a lifetime partner - also motivated me into seeking false intimacy through pornography, but I do want to suggest that my disappointment in not able to play music enjoyably is also a main catalyst.

Part III: The Slow Recovery

The recent Friday was a not an eventful Friday. I woke up slightly later in the morning trying to read up Philip Yancey's 'The Jesus I Never Knew', and my mind was still reeling over the stuff that I did on the keyboard the day before. It was the melodrama 'Epiphany of Misery' on my keyboard attuned to 'Grand Piano' sound. Playing that song reminded me of the emotions I had while writing, and the agony of my not being able to do something for the world is sometimes quite saddening. I read about a chapter in that book on how God actually restrained Himself into a tiny baby in a place that was obviously quite unpleasant and dirty - a humility to reach to this level. And I often look at times when I wanted to rise up to the occasion, being known as a person who is philanthropist, and constantly actively doing something in the name of the Father who has saved me through the cross. And when I read about the story of Jesus' descend into our planet Earth to reach out for mankind to love Him, I often cannot come to terms with these two notions. I ambitiously aimed high to be known as a philanthropist in the name of a God who actually descend into mankind, and to the least of all, and would not openly acknowledge His supremacy until at the end of the day when He was hung on the cross. And even in that acknowledgment of supremacy, He was not spared to be treated as a criminal. What an irony. 

Because I couldn't come to terms with these two extremism, I often tried to put myself away from these thoughts and just pick up something to distract me. I took music, but it reminded me of my pain and hurt of not being able to play music the way I wanted. So I decided to catch up stuff on Facebook (knowing that I am not the type who would be so hyped about these new generations' social networking devices) - and saw several ex-band mates doing so well in their dream pursuit. My ex-band is going to Japan for the Asian Beat final this year. My roommate won the Suntec Dance finals and now preparing for the month-length trip to Korea to dance for worldly renown modern dance troupe. A few of my other ex-band mates were studying music in overseas, and some were doing some occasional Youtube uploads on their covers.

Those were painful things for me to watch. That's why I hated Facebook. It reminded me of my inability to do something against my crippled mentality. It was sad and I had no choice but to ease the pain through mental stimulation.

Into the night, my cell group leader actually invited me over for a PS3 playing, and I actually felt glad that he actually took me seriously when I told him how weak I am every Friday night and Saturday. So, when I reached there, I am introduced with a few of his friends, and we played soccer console game.

I am very encouraged to know I have such a nice cell group leader. I remembered when I played console games at a younger age, I always got scoldings and humiliations from friends and even my parents. I am not good with card games either, so whenever I play social bridge with my friends in university years, they will try to not to call me as their partner. So when my cell group leader actually encouraged me to tell me what I should do and also tell me what he found that is of strength in me, it was a miraculous feat for me to be able to catch up playing a game I have never played before. I was quite emotionally affected by his genuine concern for me. 

I saw an acoustic guitar there across the living room of his house, and I decide to play a bit stuff there. And strange - it has been a while, but I am able to simply play anything on the guitar without feeling any restrains. I just played blues, rock, metal, jazz, pop, ballads on the single guitar as if I own the guitar, and my cell group leader just let me do what I like on it. And it was through playing the guitar that I am able to get to know another friend of my cell group leader who happened to got interested in my guitar playing. He invited me to his house warming next time and decide to have a moment of me playing guitar with him - just to have fun.

I just suddenly feel that perhaps, music is meant to be enjoyed in this manner, not in a 'noble' sense, like how I envisioned it earlier in my life.

Part IV: Reminder of Servitude

I think, generally, we are given gifts in our lives. And I do believe that we all are given different traits for different reasons. I cling to believe, although with doubts at times, that these gift are given because God knows where we will be put in the situations in our lives. When I was younger, I have not a clue of my inclinations in artistic endeavors. I only know how to study physics, maths, engineering, language - but apparently it seemed that in the everyday of my life, I was meant to be just doing my best in the situation I was given. When I got older, my tendencies to know more than just those physics caught my attention - and the apparent interest in music got hold of me since. Since then, I took up music through various sources in less than a decade, and I have not found a moment to give up the journey since.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I don't know what is God's purpose in me through music. I know it is God-given, but I don't know if my current life is God-directed. Many aspects of my life seemed to be inclined on selfish living - to pay loan, debts, for my parents' pocket money, insurances - and it seemed like I have little for myself. So if my current stable life is already stretching to its limit, how about when I do music full time? And I thought about if it is worth it to do sound engineering from the start - should I go for classes? But it is not cheap, and I am not sure how much of those lessons actually help. I look at the profile of many prolific producers - they learn more through life around them, rather than strictly adhering to the syllabuses in school. And I am stifled to think how much my limitations of not being able to play music as freely as I want because of all these things at the back of my head.

Towards the end of Saturday, I watched the movie "Ratatouille" by Brad Bird of PIXAR studio. I caught myself in tears when at the end, the food critic Anton Ego let down his gauntlet to realize of his role of being a critic without considering the effort of the artist of the food. The critic mentioned that it was out of sensational instinct that food critic often liked to pass pessimism on certain art simply because of the fame that would be garnered there after. But when the critic realized on the recent food that he had tasted was made by a rat, his preconception of an artist being merely impressive broke down. In the end, he was humbled to realize the ordeal of a rat and how he came to cook and serve dishes that were considered the best of France delicacies - and in his notion, "I begin to understand Gustaeu's remark on 'Anybody can cook' clearer - not everyone can be the great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere'". He was humbled by his past pessimism on Gustaeu after realizing that this rat, Remy, actually defied any odds of being a chef, and his passion to cook the finest dishes out of a very humble dish (called Ratatouille - it is actually a peasant dish in France) - and on top of all, risked himself to coerce with human to cook - tugged into the heart-string of Anton Ego.

I caught myself in tears because often not I don't think the way Ego realized in the end. I wanted a very good stage for performance, I wanted popularity and gain ownership in life as a rockstar or a sessionist. I wanted to be known as a philanthropist and the best lyricist and bassist in the music scene. I wanted attention. I wanted it done the right way. But I often forget that God doesn't work in that way when He descended into humanity. He humbled himself to live among the people He loved. His passion was humanity's redemption, and in the end He risk His position as a deity to descend as a human being. That very act of humility deserved to be reminded.

Of course, much of the show 'Ratatouille' is very humanistic and addresses the struggles of Remy the rat chef. After all, the director wants to remind us of the fallacy of us humans. The show did portray many parts of the many casts inside that were quite realistically human struggles. But the point at the end of the movie was remarkably directed towards humility and acknowledgment of gift that was given and the effort to realize it.

I looked my music gift this morning, with new light. I want to play music so much, but I need to withhold the passion with a different light. I don't know where I should be led here after, but I do hope that I am able to play the music that God desired me to be. And that, first of all, means waiting for the right moment. And that waiting has to be of a patient endeavors. Perhaps one day, I would be playing music actively, but perhaps it may never happen. But if I am willing to be humble enough to just do music the way it should be - simply enjoyable - perhaps something may come out from there.

Perhaps. Who knows.

Humbled by People I Least Expect to Be...

I thought it through a lot after a certain friend confided to me of someone's predicament and his decision - and I wanted to make a dramatic statement (doing a narrative and my emotional correspondence to this response) on honoring him, but I decide that if I were to do that, I would have gone against the principle of solely dedicating to someone more. However, his predicament by itself really convicted my heart - and truly I would say, it would remind us of the world of fortunate events that we often forgot.

Couple of months back I noted a guy in my working place who I had least regards on. He seemed very well to do, quite assertive yet not jovial. He maintained his integrity where it should be, and always ensure his work is in order. Typically people would like to deal with him in this manner. He is neither too low or too high profile. He has a good background as a design engineer, and my previous acquaintance with him get me to know him slightly more. He is quite a nice guy.

But he can get quite assertive sometimes, so whenever he asked us to help him study some matters, he meant to say that the problem is within our jurisdictions. We had been battered by various department before, so to have another person asserting us our responsibilities can hurt our reputation. I became quite hot-head most of the time because of such predicament. His roles, no doubt, is no exception.

To give a brief background, I am in charge of designing key element features for home theater and hi-fi system for Panasonic. It meant to say that we are the designer team. I am not supposed to give elaborate details on our organization structure, but the design is based in Singapore, in which I am one of the member. My role decides on key feature, and how to integrate them into our system. And this guy is the overall engineer in charge of home theater system. Not a manager but a leader in design team.

Anyway, because of such attitude from him, I tend to dislike him. His assertion is without sympathy. I had to spend nights studying certain problems at work thanks to his request, and me and my senior engineers would solve problems together and try to understand the concept behind. I had my misgivings on him, but I don't suppose it ever reach to a dangerous level. His presence or absence doesn't really bother me. It is just the work attitude. And true too, I always wanted to pursue 'perfections' in my working place, and wanted so much recognition in our design and for once (this upcoming Christmas sales - which will feature our new home theater product) our dreams seem to be coming true.

So when a couple of weeks back a good friend told me, with awkward surprises, that he wanted to tell me something that he felt should be told after his departure, this assertive guy aroused my curiosity. Nevertheless, I still work with him on normal basis, just that I ignored my dislike/like on him without conferring to the work progress.

Today was the first day that he left the company. Remembering my friend's promise, I told him I had the free time to listen to him.

The relating of the story is quite bewildering in itself, so I won't use dialogues here. But his story, this assertive guy... honestly broke my heart.

Apparently, he is the lowest paid engineer in our company. He, being a leader, is the least paid of all engineer - including entry level engineer and some operators. To simply say that he is underpaid actually seemed to me like a understatement.

He championed our previous home theater designs, and worked with all his heart to ensure whole system integration complete and selling to the market. And he worked much more than many of the managers. He even represented his manager to answer some market problems and presented some analysis on this matter. His manager not only shortchanged him, but denied him appraisal and promotion.

He entered into our company as an operator, as a polytechnic graduates. Seeing how much he was shortchanged, he further his studies to ensure a good degree from a reputable university in Singapore. Even the degree (despite part time and earned him a First Class Honors) he remained at the same pay as his initial entrance pay. He sought help from his general manager. The general manager procrastinated his appraisal's request, citing difficult HR.

He had other misgivings as well. At one major market recall presentation, all the managers are required to attend. This is held in another country, quite further up from Singapore. His immediate manager requested his presence because his manager felt that he is technically sound and highly qualified to answer the problem. At the meeting - the Managing Director raised some of his concerns (on managerial role) to the floor for answers. Every manager looked at his manager, and his manager directed all the eye stares at this poor engineer. One sensitive manager, known for his diplomatic yet occasionally humorous dealings, helped to ease the stares by dropping his comments and offered to give his insights.

That event alone could have caused many to turn away and throw in a resignation letter, but he held on for 3 years, after the event. 3 years.

His continuous pleading to the managers was, in return, in vain. The director started to take notice of a wrong treatment, but the manager managed to convince the director things are running well. So, when the fourth time the engineer sought the manager, it was a pay rise request that was armed with a resignation letter - which in the end was utilized.

The story could have been told to remind me of how bad the manager was, who was actually indirectly dealing with us at the present moment. The story could have been told to stir the heart to leave the company, knowing how bad the system was, and how unfair the system has treated every worker, especially this one guy who I used to think of as highly technically sound yet slightly assertive. But the poignancy of the story doesn't fall into these.

Rather, I was ashamed. I was guilty to think that I deserved better. When there's a guy who clearly deserved better - and took on this difficult road for 6 years, and cling on till the end.

I almost wanted to weep after hearing from my friend. My friend, who used to be wanting to be competitive and seeking to be on the top, now felt remorseful because of such a humble spirit to persevere. He knew that this poor engineer loved this company, but he never expect the love to be this sacrificial. My friend felt guilty thinking of how selfish he had thought of himself, and decided to learn to be thankful each day.

He asked me how I think, after hearing. I told him I need to recover.

Frankly, it wasn't that I don't have anything in mind. I had, but the strongest things that were in mind were these: his humility, and my humble lesson of being a witness to Christ.

I know of stories of people dying of hunger in Africa, Middle East or even in South East Asia, but I never realized that stories like this poor engineer also compelled heart breaking stories of human survival. He is earning so little yet his contribution speaks so much. All of you in the world are able to enjoy Panasonic Home Theater from HT550 till PT480 because of his major contribution to the sound design and system integration. I am not kidding. His contribution can speak of volumes. I am greatly ashamed that I looked so far into the Third World countries that I forgot that God has also meant the least of the brothers and sisters around my working place - a place I least likely to think as of my ministry.

Secondly, to have such a testimony from a typical guy, normal guy-next-door, without much get ups, and do his job well and hard - and it compelled both of us (me and my good friend) close to tears is something. My friend, particularly, felt that his previous way of living is undeniably selfish, and to have such a guy of our generation to be so keen to do the task well and not asking for much more except a pay rise - to him that is humility. To me, however, I felt that I have not been a faithful servant of Christ Himself. Every day I sought to have my agendas heard, and I sometimes argued with some people just to get things done. I have gained a reputation, to some, to be quick-tempered. I am reflecting on that, but it had never been so much an issue - until I looked at him.

A look at his seating table, vacant now, reminded me of his humility. And I believe, it will be a lesson to learn every day.

The Aftermath of Pride

I watched the news on 23 August in front of my TV, after my dad hysterically messaged me of a live-footage of Manila hijack on TV. It was about 720 pm.

I remembered watching the news, seeing the gunshots, and blood spilled on the windscreen and the side windows of the bus. I do not know if it was shot inward or outward.

The event was seemingly dramatic. I almost double-guessed my vision, to see if I was actually watching live footage, not some 'documentary-like' movie show.

It was a bleak Monday.

I remembered having a strong thought in my head, especially when the gunman was shot down, close to 8 pm. And the slumped body struck onto a sharp shrapnel of the bus door, instantly killed him through the heart.

It was bleak, very bleak.

And when I looked at the entire footage, I have strong thoughts that gripped me into reality.

"This is the visual, physical effect it had when we pushed our agendas too hard on each other, and no one wants to come to a common consensus, peacefully."

I read a bit of the history of the footage, and what triggered the event. 

Poor police officer. He had no intention to gain leverage through the hostages. He merely wanted his position reinstated, and he chanced upon a tourist bus, which could be a good ground for announcing his intention. Perhaps, if he had hijacked a normal commuting bus, the dramatic effect would not have commemorated. 

And he had asked the driver to provided food for the hostages, and ensured to have air-conditioning. He 'leveraged' on the hostages by establishing bond with them. 

The police almost had all the hostages saved. In the earlier part of the negotiations, they were willing to consider the reinstatement of Mr. Rolando Mendoza into the police force. He used to be a good soldier of justice, just that one misgivings on drug and extortion accusation.

I am not saying that he is innocent. Neither am I saying that there's someone innocent here. On theological background.

But I am saddened by the fact that as the night fall, the police insisted on 'judging him fairly', but denying his reinstatement.

That's when the hell broke loose. Bus shut down, door closed, and the hijacker declared, "I will shoot 2 Chinese. Just to prove my point. Anyway, you guys will kill me in the end."

From 2 to 9 hostages, all in the name of 'pride - and fairness'.

I looked at this event, and how it eerily resembled our daily activities in life. 

"Eye for an eye."

When we have our agendas being challenged, especially when we stood strong ground thinking that our agenda is well-intended and for the better, we argued our way out.

I dare say that many times, in my working place, I tried very hard to assert my point, to let people see my view of which I think is the best for the company's interest, only to find that I have to actually exert anger and strict command on my colleague.

I may have succeeded in doing something in the end, but the succession is short of relational aptitude. At worst, I may have done a good job, but I lost the focus, and possibly a friend.

In the event of the hijack, both the police and the hijacker would want their ideals met. Both clashes. And in the end, no compromise, and 9 hostages were killed in the process.

This may not be an easy reflection, especially when we know that our agendas are as important. 

Therefore, I looked into the event as a whole, understanding the context, to grasp the lesson learnt.

We hope to have our agendas met, but how often do we see the big picture of the event itself?

21 tourists, coming to Philippines, with the hope of knowing more of the country, and possibly enjoying themselves there, ended up in misery. Especially when the 9 were killed. 

These tourists probably may have contributed to the country's impoverished financial state. Tourism is definitely a definite boost. Already 3 years back, a similar hijack happened. It is fortunate that no casualties were resulted. And few days back, during the weekends, robberies across Manila with gunshots on foreigners were reported.

Hong Kong declared, in the aftermath of this hijack, that Philippines will be under the 'blacklisted country' for tourism. Such declaration is abnormal. Hong Kong would have a list, but that is consistent with the British Columbia's (or the Commonwealth community) list of blacklisted countries, like Iran, North Korea, etc. 

If both the police and the hijacker thought about this, looking at the bigger picture - and realized how much damage they would incur solely based on this event (perhaps not the blacklist, but the hurting of the tourism industry is definitely within the grasp of their imagination at that time), would they resort to 'stood their ground and not giving way to the other'?

Neither of the two parties were thinking straight. 

But that should not be limited to only them. I, too, fall into this many times.

When I do evaluations on my home theater sets, when I have certain design standards I want to keep, I pushed very hard on the other group to comply, and even to do what is necessary to keep the schedules and the deadlines. However what I often forget, in the end, is that does all these design matters when we consider the big picture of what our company originally intended? Our founder's motto can be summarized in a life of servitude to the people of Japan. If, by asserting that the other team should comply to our demand became our motto, then we are selfishly asserting our authorities in order to get something done.

But it could have been that we are the ones who should be doing something pertaining our position. For example, if some part of our design we can help the other department to solve, why not on our side? Yes, it may have been more difficult, but the end result could have conjured a better scenario than us choking on each other's throat.

I believe there are some other design that the other teams have to do, and we should not give way to their leniency. However, the guide for such discernment should always be consistent to the bigger picture of the company's interest - the act of servitude.

How often we forget... how often we let loose... only to see ourselves in the worst state of situation, despite us upholding our agendas - in our sticks and bones.

What Really Matters

Give up:
Sometimes, the truth hurts. Very much.
In all that is shared, you don't want to hear what's really in the heart of hers.
But, well...

I guess that is supposed to be. Unless otherwise.
I know all too well, my desperation for a short term goal.
Thinking that...

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Period, probably.
But the consequence of life after those fleeting moments are never thought of.
Which is why...

The call yesterday was a painful. Yet relieving one.
It's a sober wake up call, to dedicate myself and remind myself.
That it's over...

She's someone's else. Not yours at all.
No point trying to garner a friendship with someone you just want to have 'fun'.
No point at all...

Give in:
I woke up, remembering the details...
And an epiphany struck its chords, like the tune of a dark mellow night,
With a hint of dawn breaking - through that crisp red horizon sunlight cutting through.
Remembering the promise.

I used to embrace, remembering that I am not ready...
But I am willing to learn, and I sought the life-transformation in me,
Hoping that one day, that transformation will work itself through daily living.
Reliving that dream.

Two years ago, I told myself...
Never to live like a beast again, and wanting to learn to live properly,
Despite daily's two step back, one step forward, I still want to believe.
That I want to be better for the Gift.

Two years later, I see myself...
Never seems like I have lived my life fully to embrace the opportunity,
Rather, I squandered all, I left it all, to savor that salty dish mish-mashed. 
Now becoming someone same as of yesterday.

Let go:
The dawn reminded me, above all,
That my life has started to move on.
Strangely, when you think you're at the worst,
Seems like it is the easiest to recommit and live.

I now see myself becoming a villain, 
And from this on, I want to make a change.
Hardest perhaps is the hungover after the rejection,
And the pain of the friendship kindled after all.

The pain is unbearable, yes it's true,
Reminds me of the day of the break up - the pale hue.
But strangely, there's a side of uplifting-ness,
For the pale hue is overshadowed by the dear rainbow.

"It's okay, Ren. It's okay.
Learn now, and move on.
'Why do we fall?'
So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Pain is evident, pain is real,
But pain is a bearing of the lesson learned.
We don't grow by living through the sunny days,
But mosts of our growth comes from the rainy days.

Never forget in the light what you learned in the dark,
So the same goes when you reach to the dark.
Remember the gratitude of a life lived in the light,
So that when darkness comes, you won't cower in shame again. 

Exeunt:
After the night, when I realized the mistake I have made... and decide to rededicate my life again. Repentance... genuine repentance. 

Remember the Gift

While my sanity and my thought is still struggling to relate to God's purpose for me, I have to pen this down:

"Remember the Gift, not the cheap tricks.
Remember that you are promised the Gift to embrace.

So don't go around finding cheaper things,
Shorter terms of fun, pleasure and ecstasy. 

They don't last, they don't feel long,
And the happiness is shortlived, replaced by the hurt and the gap later on.

Worst of all, you promised to Him that you love Him,
Because of all that He has done to make you His.

So, for God's sake, don't go around shopping for loose things,
And remember God, not the girl you fancy physically at the bar."

In need for grace, and I have to remind myself who I am in Christ.  

The Dark Night

It's a cold dark night, the night yesterday.
Lots of things in my head. Hurt.

Felt that I have gone a bit too far, too much.
Think that it is time. Relax.

But guilt, oh, so much, ridden in my heart.
Stabbed, and without a doubt: Dead.

But I yearn to live, to obtain liberty.
Don't want to go around. Scared.

I am scared, very scared.
But I don't know if there's any left. To. Live.  

Perseverance, perhaps?

I guess, when the opportunity for relationship is over, it should be a good indication to me to tell myself to move on.
Whether it means that the person that I like is now attached to someone, or that she is just not interested in me.

Either way works. So, I have to tell myself that I need to learn to move on.
And start socializing more. Though I know that the most difficult part of it is to break the barrier.

It will take a lot of hard work, I guess.
But it is necessary. Or else, I will remain in the same place again and again, without getting out.

Time to move on.
Pray that it will be so.  

The Allusion of Solitary Sanity

I guess, it is a strong part of me to remain within myself, to restrain from revealing what's in my mind very often when I am in the open setting. Although I tried very hard not to be contained by it, the truth is most of the time I am very perturbed by my evident effort to contain my loneliness.

My recent endeavors with friends back in universities revealed this albeit too much to ignore. I mean, I used to hang out with these people without restraints, just let our minds go wild with all those chats and stuff. I remembered talking till late night with a hostel-mate about music and life and all those things, while he smoked his Salem cigars, one at a time, while I just take my Spanish guitar (an old classical guitar of mine), strumming Em chords and varying scales along the way. Now when I see him (or any of such friends for that matter), I would brief through friendliness and just be mere courteous to talk with them, never deeper than close-buddy-talks. 

I feel sad as a mid-20s geek, that after 2 years, especially after the break up, I have lost much sense of hangout-moments anymore. And it took my recent trip back to a Christian Fellowship event that shook my sense of intimacy to further disturbance. 

Honestly, I have always wanted friendliness and openness in talking about things. To begin with, I don't come from a Christian upbringing. In fact, despite the Sunday School upbringing, I still was pretty much like every young kid born in the lower-middle class edges of slums - rough, young, wild and carefree. We will just run around, destroy whatever we see on the streets (those poor gardens our rich neighbors always took care of, very well - turned into potholes of "asteroid burns" thanks to those matchsticks and cigars burn by our older peers). Even in the later days, when I indulged in porn, football and cigars, it was because I was doing just like the rest of my peers in school and out of school. My church activities, then, was just pretty much a bystanders. 

Pretty much towards my 17th birthday, I grasped the irony of friendship that I used to embrace. These people who I thought I could count on the most turned out to be the worst bastards I had ever had. I remembered being betrayed by a girl I loved at first, which ended up being ridiculed, because I didn't have the looks and the guts to get one. I garnered up the strength to hate them, only to find myself being circled in the classroom, by the teacher as well, as the worst ingrate ever. Imbecility hasn't found its way into my life yet, but I felt pretty much as such since young - for trusting people too easily. 

After those hurts I was very wary on prying into a new friendship with people. By my 17th birthday, I learned to act different. I learned how to fake myself into the crowd to gain popularity and ownership. And sure enough, my hypocrisy helped me get through. In short time, when I graduated my high school and my pre-University years, I have sort-of gained some leverage on "friendships" and those fakes. I admit, when I admitted to the university, I pretty much carried that sense of protection with me. Many of my uni-friends are, unfortunately, a by-product of my willful act of hypocrisy. Towards the end of the year, most of the friends that I stick close to are rare, and a few are still contacting me. The relationship with my ex-girlfriend woke me up from the reality of this hypocritical life, and I felt that I need to stop this nonsense. And... here I am. 

When I looked at those years, I can only look with regrets. To be frank (and I think many people would have known about it), I am not proud of my school life. And I cannot look back with deep sense of nostalgia, just like every working adults who will occasionally drop by their mushy sentiments on school years. Sometimes, I regretted living those memories. Especially when there are days, when I saw my old friends on Facebook who added me, only to find myself boiling deep anger within me. I am still finding strength from within to forgive them, and I think it is going to be a daily process. Especially when their marriages are looming around the corner, and I happened to find myself heard about it without being invited (which to be honest is a better idea). And the fact that I am already at 25 with most of my friends having girlfriends/boyfriends of years doesn't make my life easier. 

I think, it took me recent year of depression to learn to understand myself better. Of course, good close buddies and my counselor helped a bit in understanding my plight and how much conflicted I am in my own struggle to live properly. There are times when I felt that because I couldn't forgive myself to forgive others, the deep hurt and resentments build with me overtime. The worst part of all is when I decide to confine myself in my own cell of thought thinking about life myself. And in that process, I took 2 years to get through. Of course, there are occasions of great, enriching meeting up with people (I think above all, a dinner with a girl that I like, and a few movie-outing with a close buddy really helped me), but those are probably not as frequent as my regular fits of lonely solitudes. 

So, in the midst of understanding myself, I learned to gradually realize the importance of treasuring true friendship and honor deep thoughts and friendly word-sparring. I thought that I have not been engaged deep enough of such discussions. That's mainly why I thought how shallow my mindset used to be. And how much the lack of honesty (especially when I reminiscence the friendships I used to have, with their 'clean-up-front-but-ugly-inner-worth' appeal, it is always quite detrimental to reflect on how much those affected me. 

Which is why, when I was brought into the Christian Fellowship gathering, I found myself to be overtly cautious in engaging in any discussion. I felt bad, especially when the two persons that I know very closely in the group tried very hard to make me feel at ease, especially when they know my personality. I somehow felt difficult to get back into the same 'hangouts' with these people again. And somehow the familiar pain of loneliness seems much more comfortable to me than to move into 'new boundaries' of catching up with my old friends again, to begin with.

A very good friend noted that while I can continue to put up my discernment on which friends to hang out with, the fact that I am trying to 'discern' so hardly made my opportunity to get to know people, understanding people hard. It took me 2 years to start to believe what he said is true. And I get to understand why the thought of getting a life companion keeps bugging in my head. After the break up, I hardly had times to mix with mix-genders, and I am so caught up with my own agendas, that on the basic level I am just mixing around with people I know to be always telling me, 'It's okay, I understand your pain" without getting to understanding people. But then, comes another side of explanation, in which people said that 'after the detachment, everything seems black and white - especially with people around you. You just don't feel interested in life anymore'. At the age of 25, I still appear like a teen, wanting people to hear what I am feeling, instead of acting mature to others, listening to people and understanding people. And most of the time, the black and white, ironically, becomes an evident backdrop of my description of the world. 

Despite the depressive motif I put up with, there are times when I appreciate the sadness and depressive turns of my life. My perspective changes (and I believe things will get much deeper/shallower - depending on how I live on) overtime, but this particular episode particular strike a melodic and inspiring tune. Yes, the tune is mellow, and it gets aggressively dark. But every movement, no matter how deep the tunnel of death may seem to be, there's always a seemingly light that allow your strained vision to see. And I often felt that I am not totally out of that deadly tunnel yet, but there's a glimpse of light shining that is leading the way. And it is especially encouraging that through the light's direction, I met some people along the way to walk with me. Some came with different perspective, so it is quite hard to explain what I have gone through. Some came with even worse predicament, that to them, the light meant more than just hope: it assures them that their depressive turns are ending soon. As for me, I know I am still recovering from my depression, but I began to embrace the depression with much sentiments. There were times that I am reminded that it was in the dark that I learnt things, not in the light. 

It is hard for me to enhance and extract these analogies into life storyboard here. My life has been through things that I find it better to share in person. However, deep down, I felt strongly the urge to speak it out, because I felt that alas, someone needs to understand why I struggle so hard to get away from self-abasement every weekend, only to find that excuse simply cut off by mere wish of self-fulfillment every Friday till Saturday evening. Yes, I do acknowledge too - I had someone in mind who I would like to ask to be my girlfriend, but with all these indecent habits taking place, I may compromise her, and in the end, we will have to make the decision to work things out in a havoc train without a train-guide, which will eventually ram into death; or we decide to jump off the train, only slimy muds across the jungle, and walk out of it after fighting against the beast of our lives. I already did the later in the past relationship I had. And I don't want to end up being on a train-bound to death without me working it out first. 

Somehow, this topic still doesn't seem correct. I was being told on recent notes too: that life is not meant to be taken all at once. We, in our minute details of the universe, have been admonished to 'not to worry'. We can only take one-step-at-a-time. Yes, we can multi-task, but how much can we go? When a person is running through emotional drainage, is there any fuel left to still work through life's difficulties, or even be a blessings towards those suffering to survive? Take one step at a time, buddy... that's what they say.

But how? It seems so overwhelming each day, and I don't think I can handle well, unless I ignored this battle and start looking elsewhere. Then, would I be subjected to struggle again, because I turned my blind eyes towards the threat of lust? Then again, even if I tried to do something else, for example getting involved in a Christian Fellowship's gathering: my mind would keep cramping onto the guilt of succumbing to lust. How do I maintain a good mind in discoursing with fellow Christians who yearned to be like-minded? Especially when my own mind is the one most contaminated?

Then another suggested that God looks at the heart of your battle. Your succumbing to lust every week is unforgivable. But He has forgiven you. He understood that you are just a dust, a flesh. Knowing that you give your all to fight against this battle mattered a lot to him. I cried hearing that, because that really is comfort to hear. But, what happened next? Immediately when I walk out, I am thinking about having sex with a friend that I know I can coax some words to get into. 

Hence, I chose... to confine my territory of conversation to within my own head, my own mind. Confine my social circle to within myself, the depths of my own mind. Create an imaginary friend so that I can chat, love, screw, play, chill with. Even if this imaginary friend of mine - if she can withstand as long as I live, would it made me feel better? If so, then I am totally confined to my own sanity, which will at one point of time becomes the nightmare of insanity. The saddest of all, I guess.

I know that deep down I don't want to remain as such for the rest of my life. I want to start getting help. I want to start doing myself a good favor by cutting off the internet, cutting off the media sources. But somehow, by doing that I am still short of community support, which at many times I am the one who chose not to be involved. My deeply introverted character disallows me to draw inner strength from people in a crowd, and considering the effort put to garner friendships that I have now, it is definitely another process which deserves a hard look at it. Even within my work circle, especially when there's no Christian friends that I know of, my mind is always guarded. There were occasions when I let loose a bit of my personal takes, and that surprisingly gave them a foothold into my personal life. Even then, I am still always on guard, not ready to tell people what I am thinking. I felt sad: even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, she didn't get to hear the inner most struggle of my heart. And to date: no one ever did. Not my parents, not my sister, not my friends, not the close ones. Only me. And hopefully God. 

The guarding of the heart. I dare not say it is a broken heart. But I know that the heart is guarded by a twisted mind. Unless... I don't know. Really. 

Conflicting Hypocrite or Hypocritical Conflicts?

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Looking at life as it turns,
Meeting with circumstances as life comes.

Sometimes I wonder, often time confused,
The act to live properly, yet wrongfully.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I tried to live in the best that I want,
I end up doing the things that I know I shouldn't want.

I tried to get away from things I know hurt me,
I end up doing myself a disservice of proper living.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

Sometimes, because of the burden, I choose to push away,
Thinking for a moment I could let that go, and enjoy.

Sometimes, however the pain comes back twice the shame,
Thinking the price I pay for conflicting my values.

Conflict or Hypocrisy,

I lay my life to live honestly, but I wound up being dishonest,
I walk around, threaded at boundaries of good and evil living.

I couldn't stay straight, and often times I enjoy those moments,
But every night I lay in my bed, guilt-ridden of my conscience.

Conflict or Hypocrisy, which will I choose? 

The Slow Thinker

I am generally not the type who would be able to give quick opinions that is well-crafted, deep and intellectual. Even if I do speak up, there will be 2 cases (with its frequency depending on how is the relationship between me and the person involved). One is when I will immediately step in my opinions, which is admittedly shallow minded, very idealistic and more often offending to hear. Second is when I will take, from an hour till a year (depending, like what I say, how close or important is the relationship) to reply or to give my opinions. 

In relation to the frequency, to make life simpler, I would just normally keep quiet and listen. I figure that by doing this, it is actually a process of 'getting to know the situation better'. However, behind that face lies a person being indecisive of his opinions. 

Sometimes I wonder - how much that silence actually truncated the friendships I have with people. In my workplace, people generally think that I am loud-spoken when with colleagues that I am comfortable with, but kept quiet when the opinions (or oppositions) count during important meeting. And although it has decreased in time, I still think I am like that.

The subtly also applies, in some ways, to my relationship with close ones (this, unfortunately minuses my parents and my sister at the moment. I hope to be able to reconcile this relationship with them, at least during their lifetime, not mine). My mentor, and a few of my close friends who belief in the same faith would also be the ones that do the talking. I would, in the meantime just sit and listen and hear the wisdom. There are times when I do speak up. Those, actually, are the time when I am in desperation to be heard. Like: a struggle in life, sex, temptation, lust, guilt, shame, anger, greed, and so on. Things are pretty much, in short, messed up when I decide to seek comfort and help.

Honestly, I am glad they gave me the avenue to. But sometimes, at the back of my head, I often wonder how indecisive I must have been, to take 2-3 months normally to decide and do it. Sometimes, I would wander in midriff thinking what can be the other ways of doing it, which end up not doing anything at all. 

I am not sure how does writing this down help, but I just want it to be off my chest, so that I won't dwell in it for too long. Far too long. But then again, I might be surprised later on to find that everyone does face this problem.

I'm not sure.

The Infrequent Blogger

I have to admit, the frequency for blogging has tremendously decreased in time. Probably because I have gotten past the age of technology (which, surprisingly, I am not enthusiastic in Facebook - though I have an account of my own, and Twitter - in which I haven't tried at all). And, probably because I have, subtly, grown past the age of rants and all those dramas. 

Of course, my gradual deterioration of my physical health tends to distract me from being so concentrated on my inner health. I used to believe, too, that by ranting I can get better and healthier. Apparently, the aging is not that kind. I don't know, maybe it is just me. I am just 26, after all. 

I have been thinking about the need for frequent visitation on blogs, friends and others for that matter - and I realize that all these hoo-hahs are actually part of the 'fad' thing. It is good to keep ourselves up to date with other people's lives and such, but most of the time we don't really get to talk about it, at least for me. 

I know of friends who maintained blogs, but I don't really get to talk to them when I met them face to face. Well, besides, those that I frequent are actually net friends, who I know I won't get to meet/chat with them directly. My introversion doesn't help as well - the tendency to want to draw strength from being alone/in a small company doesn't help too. Sometimes, I rather be voyeuristic on forums rather than being a participants. It's only when I have strong conviction on certain items - then I will decide to message the person directly (via mailbox or comment, but that's also quite rare).

So, having said this, I felt that my infrequent blogging has kind of disperse my social circle (net friends in particular). I don't get to interact much with people. I did quite often with my colleagues at Panasonic, but even so, they are not the ones I will stand in to talk about my personal life. Even if they invite, I know that there are a lot about me that I would rather share with intimate friends, rather than colleagues who wanted to know me better, genuinely. However genuine they may be, their quick advices based on their belief and their strong principles in life more often collide with mine. As much as I want to be open about life and the possibility of better/solid principles better than mine - I tend to think they are more concern in telling me what they feel, rather than being a listening ear. 

With that in mind, I just think that my other solace/comfort (which is on the web zone) seems to similarly deteriorate in terms of allowance for personal space endeavors. The dramas, definitely are lesser. Not different from when I was in my Uni-years, but less inclined to describe an event dramatically. Much more reflective, less concentration on events; more concentration on values, virtues, principles, and what's inside. Back to the basics, I learnt - from friends that I know along the way. 

This probably explained why I gradually moved from seeking too much comfort from trying to get more recognitions in what I write about to just being honest with myself and be more open to my struggles in life. And yes, me being a Christian sometimes allowed myself some narcissistic comments from blogspheres. Honestly, I faced fascism (quite a strong word, but that's true) from those who shared my belief, especially those of authority - but well, sometimes, it is those who know me the best that gave me the liberty to be who I know I should be. Till this day, I still find comfort in relating to them and in humility (I got to admit, it is difficult at times), I learned to apply their compassions and their embrace towards people that I know should benefit from this. 

Hence, I hope friends that I know of (be it recent or a while back; be it with friends in real life or net friends (equally real as well, they are of real human being using blogs, MSN, Gmail talk as their tools of communications); be it those who shared my belief or not) will understand my recent infrequent blogging habit, and even Facebook-ing. I think, for the most part, I am learning to experience life where I am, with struggles real into my face, temptations hitting me, and learn to deal with difficult friends and my own insanity at times when I have moments with friends. 

Whew... 

Luxury from Contentment, sprouted from Poverty

I remembered sitting onto the rattan-wound sofa, with 2 humble cushions in red and green squares. I had the micro Hi-Fi sandwiched between them, having the luxury to tune to the Gold 90.5 FM (Singapore's radio channel for classic hits), with the standing lamp on my left, and the newspaper on my lap. 

And the first article that gripped me is the article about the reality of making the world an eco-sensitive, more environmental-friendly effort being highly panned towards the well-to-do countries. The exuberant elaborative effort to transform the developed countries from industrial-oriented, with cities built in forms of skyscrapers - now being concentrated into green-ery- environment, and all the houses that are built with the concepts of eco-friendly... these are meant for the wealthy. The depiction of the poor countries, third world countries having no place to stay, despite the abundance of grasses and trees and all the 'biological environment' that we so hope to see in a much urban society - turn out to be actually harming their life because of the lack of sanitary and basic healthy living lifestyle. And the unbalanced world view of economic scale is not helping matters as well - in addition to much debates for decades on making a world a better place... doesn't seem to take any effect on improving these marginalized countries (especially when these countries continue to play as supporting roles to the first-world countries by producing goods, manpower resources, natural resources - and these people's wellbeing is not even considered.

And here I was, reading a newspaper having the time of my life relaxing through the music of 'Superstition' by Stevie Wonder on the radio channel, with so much comfort in the light of a quite luxurious environment (considering the decoration of the lightings, the soft, the Hi-Fi, and of course, the ambiance).

I am quite ashamed at that time reading the article. 

I often wonder, how much I took the luxury for granted and forgetting the fundamental part about living. 
We don't live to deliver our performance, get well and get 'wealth'.
We don't live to try to earn our effort through recognitions, acceptance and prestige.

After reading that article, after the feeling of remorse, I was flooded by emotions of gratitude.
Glad to have live in the present moment with comfort.
Glad to have friends who enjoy the company without the fear of sudden death or fatal illness.

I think, with that regards, I should never forget a lesson that is aptly applicable to what should be my reaction:

Never forget in the light what you have learned in the dark.
And never forget in the fortune what you have been given when you are poor.

Remember the people in the third world countries, and remember their predicament.
The things that you buy, most of them - came from the hard work of these poor workers working 7-day-shift. 

Champion for Fairer Human

Often I remember,
The other side of humanity,
Not of a greater and mightier being,
But more of the fairer, gentle sister.

At times when I think,
More likely they are sidelined,
Often they are in the publicity,
All for the wrong kind of limelight.

In reflecting our thought,
We often made them small,
Manipulate the inherent worth of beauty,
Overshadowing the true beauty of the soul.

How chauvinistic, how weird,
What us the masculine beast can do,
We let them wear little lesser, a little tighter,
To satisfy our lustrous hunger, they become our idol.

I, a member of the beasts,
Unashamed by my own flesh,
Let a poor girl be fed into my mind,
And hence become a fantasy easily retrieved from the shelf.

How easy, how convenient,
Poor girls become our toys to play,
Sad jerks like us hold them like our dolls,
Without a hit in conscience how we damage them. 

With sad reminiscence, 
With obvious grievance,
I look at myself, with immense remorse,
To now sincerely renounce, never to do it again.

But the moment I say it,
I know again and again I will do it,
And to realize that this is the beast in me,
What other way could I save myself from misery?

...

..

.

"Just remember, we are like you too, a gift in life,
We admire beauty, masculinity and love,
We don't wish for apathy, just respect,
Just so that you love us as yourself.

Just respect us like how you respect your love of life,
Just remember us like how you treasure life,
Just treat us like how you hold your life,
Just hold us like how you love life.

With respect, honor, gentleness, humility, dignity, love, faith... and self-control.
Aren't they what you desire to be a better person?"

.

..

...

So remember, friends,
A look in the pictures of skimpy girls,
A lust in the mind of having them within grabs,
Is more likely to happen if you keep repeating them like mental tapes.

I do this often, and I am sorry.
For this I paid my price, and till now I am single,
But in singleness I appreciate life more as a blessing,
And learn to treat the fairer humanity with appreciated dignity.

And please, don't learn this when you are married,
It will never happen, the dignity and respect for them,
The hunger starts from the mind, and to the mind should it ends,
Ask yourself first before you lust, what will happen if she is your sister? 

Admiration for a Movie Actress I know of not many who admired

I am pretty sure saying this is really an act of possible defiance, but I have admiration for good actresses and actors - especially those that who don't fake their faking acting. I knew of a lot of them, but there are a few that I know of that had to go through long ways to get there.

Sandra Bullock, as I know of, is one of them.

She may not be the best of actresses around (think about Julie Delpy, Cate Blanchett, Uma Thurman and such), but to me, she worked the hardest, and she is very down-to-earth about her acting career.

And honestly, it took her several years to get where she is, and to watch her movies with eventual appreciation of genuine-ness and honesty in portraying the character given to her - I think that is something I have grown to respect for.

I have been admiring her since The Net, (Speed is not my favorite actually, but her recent movies didn't do any better, except...) but the recent film 'The Blind Side' revealed the emotional, daily part of her that flows out from her, and it kinda made me felt proud of her. Of course, the story itself played a factor.

I found an article which I thought was pretty need. I have no say as to what was written, except to say: we Christians have been doing a bad job in representing who Christ actually is. And perhaps it is time to re-evaluate why do we subscribe to what we believe in.

Actors and Actresses on their views of 'The Blind Side': Read Sandra Bullock on her views of the character she portrayed.

Perhaps we should think it about it. I recommend you watching the movie as well... oh yeah, and try to understand the Junior High and the College lifestyle in Memphis, or America for that matter. I don't think I know even an ounce of the culture, but well, sufficient enough to relate to the background of the movie. Or try the book as well by Michael Lewis.

:). Pardon the advertisement on Sandra Bullock.

 

My last performance for NUS

My last performance for NUS

Consider this gig as my last for NUS, and my best for life. But seriously, I want to outpace this, I know that now I can do better than this gig.

By the way, I am the one at the centre. The bassist.

Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You

Insecurity - The Worst Weapon Against You

I always thought that it is easy to say, "I love you", without having to consider the consequences. I thought that fairy tales' love stories are pretty much straight forward. You don't have to think too much, just go ahead and be yourself, and start telling the girl, "My dear, I love you."

How wrong I am.

When I initially confess to her, it was not easy. Millions of things running through my head.

What if I am not good enough for her?

What if she thinks that I am not a person she could trust forever with?

What if I practiced infidelity when we are together?

When those thoughts came to mind, I realized that I might not be able to give my all to her after all.

But somehow, something hits my mind.

If I gonna keep on going through these motions of thoughts, I will never be able to move on.

That prompted me to tell her - I want to give her my all, if I could do it to the best.

Funny how just one thought in a million can change my mind so fast. It is as if after killing all your brain cells with so many unnecessary things, a simple statement like that could impulsively burn the bridges that you have been trying very hard to cross, and all you know that you need to do is to cross over that bridge.

And I wondered why, until I see her face yesterday.

I don't know what prompted me to say that, "With you beside me, I don't feel the need to see other people at all." Either that could be just a spur of a moment of love, or I truly believe in it.

Because till yesterday, I thought that there are other pretty girls out there as well.

She felt very insecure. I felt insecure as well.

I felt insecure because until last night, I still don't believe that I have gotten myself a great girlfriend. I still can't believe that she loves me as much, if not more than me. I still can't believe how sweet she treated me, and that so much love is given to me.

I thought that chasing people who I am not sure whether or not they like me is more believable, but perhaps I may have entertained that thought a lot, and it affected her.

She felt insecure when I start ogling at other girls, or start talking about other girls.

I realized how stupid I was.

Isn't it obvious that she loves you that much?

So why you still don't believe it?

Somehow this reminds me of my faith in Christianity. You know, to have Someone who loves you no matter what you do doesn't sound right. Somehow to believe in someone who loves you for the things that you do sound more believable than that.

And I initially rejected that idea also. How can I believe in that kind of Jesus, who claimed to have died for me because He loves me, when I never even met Him?

But somehow - that seemed to spark something.

From young, no one really tells me that he/she loves me for who I am. I am as a person. I am as a guy. I am as a blessed baby born into this world. But no one tells me that.

And with this kind of background, to have someone loving you no matter who you are, what you do - even though it sounds horrendously scandalous, it somehow matters to me.

I read about history, read about the validity, read about His life when He was on earth.

And I realized He meant what He said when He said He really loves everyone.

People of his days, there are hierarchy when it comes to social class. The hierarchy has religious upbringing denoted as the rank. And you could put it in this manner - Jesus was supposed to be on relatively high rank, given His statutes, His knowledge of those writings left by prophets.

But, what surprised me was that He doesn't even care if there's this thing called social class. To Him, everyone is the same. Because He loves everyone, and everyone has the same benefits.

That's why for Him to mix around with prostitute, tax collectors and physically sick - that kind of caring He showed to those people - they are scandalous.

He can still maintain His integrity as being a good person (never have sex with prostitute, never ask the tax collectors to give some money to Him, never tell the sick people to advertise His healing power), and yet being a friend, even to the extend as a lover to many.

That love, when it came to me last night, just broke my heart.

I just realized that I have a living example, who is a girl who desire to know me more.

You see, I never believed in fate before. I do believe though that there could be coincidence, but those happen because there might be something that God wants to tell me. But never fate.

But recently, my mentor kept on reminding me that the way I define fate makes me feel that it is not real.

I never believed in fate, because I thought that it was bullshit to me. I never had any opportunity to have the kind that just flows well to me, rightfully to me I mean.

So - being a Christian is never what I consider to be fate. I thought that I have to earn it to become one.

My mentor corrected me. He told me - we are chosen to be pre-destined to meet up with God. And that also applies for relationship as well.

So when she is sitting besides me in that MRT rail, when I start to believe that it is really fate that brought both of us together, I hastily took her hand, hold it very close, and never want to let go.

I just want to feel like this forever, but saying it sound very 'cliche'.

So I just look at her face. She asked me what.

I just. I don't know.

But I want to feel like that forever. That fate - that makes me believe in God, the Christian God - that fate, makes me believe in her.

Thanks J.

She's the one

She's the one when you can feel the chemistry soon as you meet her.

She's the one who you know you can immediately click.

Not just the fact that her physical appearance instantly attract you.

Not just the fact that her presentation in front of you instantly left you breathless.

But there is this bond that could immediately attract.

Like a magnet that stick north pole to south pole.

Like a chocolate that blends well in a vanilla float.

Like a bass groove that clicks well with a drum beat.

Like a guitar with a great amplifier, when both compliment each other.

Like a girl and a guy, who immediately there's a sense of right timing.

As if the girl has been waiting for the guy, and the guy has been longing for the girl.

It just so happen that the two suddenly match each other well.

Though both came from very different background.

Though both came from very sad and broken relationships.

Though both came from very unusual circumstances.

Though both came from very unexpected upbringing.

Though both have different preferences in things they like.

Though both have different inclination towards something the other may not like.

Somehow there's this sense of togetherness.

As if one could say there's no tomorrow without the other half.

And even so - Romeo and Juliet, even on the forbidden love, still manage to be in love.

Forbidden in the sense that it is not of the kind of love Christian doctrine encourages.

It is not the kind of love that Christian should encourage himself to a non-Christian girl.

Both came from very different background, both came from very different belief in God.

One believes in his life that He is the savior, and Jesus died for His sins. Because of this, he readily gives his whole life for Him.

The other believes that there is a God, but she felt that it is not fair to believe in One true savior, and not sure if she readily wants to commit to another. Her previous relationships have Christian tarnishing the image of God and His demonstration of love for the people.

So the two, despite very different beliefs, came together liking each other a lot.

Both desire each other a lot, but both want not this to end quickly, just like any other relationships.

This time there's a silent resolution - that both really go together the path of romance - til death do us part.

Till death do us part.

And he decided, after one sleepless night and the other - he decides.

If this relationship is really meant for what He wants, it would be up to Him.

If this relationship is not what He wants, he rather Him to take it off.

He asked for deliverance, and submission in totality towards Him - the Lord who saves him daily from the wretchedness of his sins.

So here's the prayer:

"Lord, please, if it is the true relationship that You have planned for, please teach me how to give her the best respect I could, and not only forgo her past, but also embrace her as a person I could be with forever during my time while I am alive. But Lord, if it is not of what You want, take this cup of suffering of mine, take it off, bring it away from me, so that I won't be tempted to be led into the path of unrighteousness. I don't want to leave You again. I don't want to Lord. Please, Lord I surrender her totally to You. Because I love You. You who has died for my sin, Jesus. Amen."

Dedication to Her, who loves me just like how I love her, but we decide to remain friend because we realize we are going too strong too fast, and decide to take things slowly, so that we know and learn each other well - and embrace the bad habits and the good habits in the same manner.

Tired Man

Tired Man

If ever was I tired, please do wake me up.

But just in case,

don't hurt my face by slapping it hard,
don't hurt my hands by shaking it hard,
don't hurt my stomach by hitting it hard,
don't hurt my legs by pulling it hard,

For what I really need to know is that the dream that I had,
Wasn't meant for just a simple reflection, but a seeming revelation,

That if reading a blog has squandered all your impression in me,
And just by reading it your disgust outpace your respect in me,

Then, please - tell me to stop writing things so personal that may hurt you
Tell me to stop writing things from my own point of view

So that when you refresh your browser again,
What you see if not a disillusion man writing his blog,
But a refreshed man upholding Him in prayer.

Tell me then dream, that what I dream is really just a dream,
And that it is not really what had happened.

And to the one who have read and feel disgusted about me.
And to those who have now started to hate me for being a loser.

I am sorry.

For I know that in reality I am a sinful nature being.
But it was of God that matters,
It ain't about me.

It was the Glory of what He worked in me.
It was the Glory of what He had transformed in me
It was the Glory of what mere instrument (me) He had used to extend His Kingdom
It was the Glory of what He could do even though situation were bleak like no one cares

It was this Love that Glorifies Him. So if you are still offended, and decided to have no part of me in your life...

I am sorry.

WHO DO YOU LOVE?

What's the feeling that I got, that can't control and tame the emotion.

What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't distinguish the rights from the wrongs.

What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't comprehend the speed of my heartbeat.

What's the feeling that I got, that couldn't calm and make necessary judgment.

What's the feeling that I got, that can't determine the love of my life.

And...

What's the feeling that I got, that make me realized that I probably really love someone now?

Could it be that you, the person that I have been thinking all night:

You are the one I could envision staying together for most of the time.

Despite differences in place, time, and mindset, but are we still one with our love?

Despite differences in languages, communication and interest, but are we still one with our love?

You are the one I could envision having lunch, dinner and breakfast together.

Despite differences in our preferences for food, but are we still agreeing to the fact that we are together?

Despite differences in our preferences for lunch location, but are we still agreeing on the setting of the place, that romantically brings us together?

You are the one I could envision waking up in the morning, with you by my side.

Naked or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could see your face first of all in the morning greatly ease my heart.

Awake or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could read the Bible thanking God to have you by my side greatly comfort me.

Listening or not, it doesn't bother me. The fact that I could play my favorite tune, or improvise a song on a guitar, or a nearby piano greatly soothes me.

You are the one I could envision making love to, with much passion.

Despite our differences in experience on physical intimacy, our minds desire much of each of us, being in constant contact.

Despite our differences in physical contact frequency, our hearts desire the same - our partner enjoy the moment like how Adam and Eve had their first intercourse.

You are the one I could envision having child, and building a family.

Despite our differences in amount of children we want, yet we have the same expectation that God desires for His children as well.

Despite our differences in deciding genders, yet we know that till that day when the baby is born, we are more than happy to be able to settle together as a family.

Despite our differences in teaching the child, yet we know that it is our mutual responsibility to bring up a child of God and serving fully to Him, at any age.

You are the one I know I would save my first for.

Whether or not it is the first time that I kiss you.

Whether or not it is the first time that we pray together in a quiet room, in the bedroom together.

Whether or not it is the first time that we could choose our laundries and our groceries together - or even shopping.

Whether or not it is the first time we could play duet whole day without distractions.

Whether or not it is the first time we actually had our constant physical contacts throughout the day.

Whether or not it is the first time we admire each other's physical, emotional, and spiritual nakedness before Him.

Whether or not it is the first time we have our first physical intercourse.

Whether or not it is our first time spending every of our time together.

Whether or not it is our first time.

Because I love you, and I would want to marry you.

A love poem, dedicated to the people who are in love, and ready for further commitment. - by Ren

E N L I G H T E N E D

I never thought that such calling from God would be actually called to be coincidental.

In fact, I used to believe that when there are a lot of similar coincidence, I always concluded that it was God trying to tell me something. Especially when the coincidence happened like every moment I do something.

But thanks to this subject in my university that I took on the previous semester that I have just finished, it actually questioned the coincidence regularity. Could it be the fact that I actually anticipate it, and even though to normal person's view that is not coincidental, my mind could relate the otherwise?

A stark question, but the more I think of it, the more absurd is the question.

For example - how would you think of coincidental? Unless you were in my shoe, you would not see the coincidental right? So when you say it is actually an anticipated consequences by me, shouldn't a coincidence be the same for you? We may have different occurence, but you have your different view on coincidence compared to mine, and how could I judge your coincidence?

I did not question my lecturer on this, but somehow, by coincidence - because I thought of the question during the class, and somehow, someone manage to ask this.

I would account it as premonition, but the answer was totally unexpected.

"You could be right, son. Coincidence is subjective, and it really boils down to how a person think of it as. I think of it as an anticipated outcome, and unless the coincidence stretches beyond my thinking reasoning, I would dub it as just a normal anticipated outcome."

It seemed to me - he conceded defeat. Or was it just me?

You see, for me - the coincidence is such a wonderful yet deadly thing. Or rather, it is a double edged knife. It could be exhilirating if you manage to see the person you like on a place you least expect him/her to be, but it would be awkward if you see him/her with his/her partner together. For example, I mean.

But either way, the point is clear - I believe that when coincidences happen, it happened for a reason, and I attributed to God's intervention.

I wasn't intending to go out yesterday, because I was quite tired. A trip from Malaysia back to Singapore is not something I intend it to be, because I would rather stay in Singapore and do nothing. But a duty has to be done, and I need to go back, visit my parents, and my buddies - before going back to school to deal with the administration, and the work.

The night time, I decide to kill off the time by doing some shopping. I was intending to get a punkish cap - those baseball hat with funky type of design I meant. So of all the choices that come to me - I chose to go westward to Boon Lay - Jurong Point instead.

Whilst on my way - I was very much tired - something kept on attacking my mind. It is with regards with my sexual habits.

How come, whenever I come back to Malaysia, I felt distasteful about those masturbation and thoughts of such, but when I reached Singapore, there is no such hindrance.

Furthermore, I kept on thinking, trying to do alot of reasonings (thanks to the subjects that I took) thinking could there be a deeper longing that I felt I want more - more than just those habitual things that I have been doing so far?

A chance came up to me when I reached a LIFE bookshop. I haven't visited the Christian bookstore for a long time.

The first thing that struck me when I start entering is - 'Turn off your MP3 player." I heard this voice.

It was by God. This is the first time that I heard such prompting.

It has been a while. So I guess I must heed it. You could also say - it was my gut feeling that told me I need to switch off my MP3 player. But anyway, I went in. The first book that caught my attention is the book 'The Samson Syndrome". I wasn't very much interested, so I just skim through the synopsis.

"Read the page that you would open to."

Being surprised by that sudden voice, I decided to open.

Lo and behold, the page that I read, was talking about dealing with lust.

I was quite troubled, since I was thinking about what actually bothers my sexual drive so much. And now I saw it coming. Initially I thought, it could be just a normal coincidence. I don't intend it to be.

I put the book back, thinking of other books that I could use for my spiritual growth. I saw another book, a book by John Piper - I forgot the title, something about Living out a Christian life.

"Open again."

I did not read the synopsis, since the calling prompted me. And again, it is about lust control.

I put the book back. I was horrified by such occurence.

You see, whenever I go to a bookstore (you guys may be surprised but I like to visit bookstores), I would always handpick books to read, and at least I will read like one chapter just to get the feel of how the author writes. And, it has never been the case whereby, I will open a random page, and happen to read across the same thing through different books. If there are specific books that I am looking for, I would definitely browse through similar pages, but that is after I skimmed through the content, and find what I am looking for.

This is an exception.

I distrust the coincidence. I try another book again.

Another book on Christian leadership. I randomly open a page.

"Stop at it. Read the page".

Again, it is about lust.

That was a time when I start to consult God, "God, You got something to tell me? Let me hear."

"Use the money you have to buy the books that I will prompt you to buy."

I was attracted by the book The Samson Syndrome by Mark Atteberry.

"Don't hestitate."

I took the book, and then I look around, see if there are any other book. God did not say any other things much, so I choose another book that has got to do with Christian living and how to be a good brother to other people (the title is somewhere along that line).

I put the book in my room after I was done with the shopping, and because of the tireness, I decided to sleep and read the book the next day.

And I chose to read this morning while eating breakfast. I shouldn't have done it.

As I read, I was so traumatised by how true the things that he wrote that spoke alot about me. I was already fazed by how much times I tried to be rebellious, and having a distorted mind, not knowing that I actually enjoyed it rather than trying to stick to what God wants me to do. No wonder He prompted me that day to read it.

I will continue reading it - while also continuing my other businesses... and update about the book soon. It captivated me more than Max Lucado and John Bevere so far.