[music related]: rascal flatts - bless the broken road

A long-forgotten friend recently dropped me a message to ask if I want to play as a musician for their wedding. Immediate thought goes to 4 years ago, where I had a performance with my dear singer singing 'Desperado' by The Eagles and 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson. It was a pleasant surprise, because I do want to hone back my musical exposure. I was thinking about doing it in pubs but now that this is a good opportunity to slowly gel into the music scene. 

The wedding is on 13 October, and we have decided to do 5 set-piece. The last song that we have thought about though is by Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road. It is a meaningful song, and I wondered if you guys think this is a good song for a wedding.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU

Let me know what you think of the song. Comments are definitely welcome. :)

[reflection]: through the looking glass revisited

Having realized that for the past few months I have been cruising on an emergency flight plan in my work place, I felt little chances for contemplation (which is my usual routine in life, and I managed to find it even in my previous work place despite the hefty commitment they required of us the engineers). Perhaps because of such little space for self-reflection, I realized how far off I have become to being a better person and for once: I longed for time in solitude, just thinking about how life is. Honestly the pace in my work place has given little time to self, and I suspect that unless something deliberate is done on my end this pace will become faster and not withholding any catastrophic syndrome that might damage me in the long run. The recent episode of admitting myself in the emergency ward due to near-cardiac arrest may have indicated something that has gone seriously wrong.

Such observation should never be ignored and always should be treated with equal dignity. In our current generation where connectivity has become such a norm (imagine that instant connectivity with someone in San Francisco back here in Singapore to discuss about online music school intake) – we tend to forget the meaning of spending qualitative time that transcends mere connectivity and discussing agendas. I observed too that my sense of community has become so blur that mere connection with people doesn’t seem to nourish my wellbeing, to be frank. I have yet to share with regular friends, but deep within my soul I felt incomplete in the state of where I am today, with so many insecurities towards the pace, the life, and the friends I have but yet to rekindle. I didn’t feel comfortable being in where I am today, and I have to (at many random occasions) deliberately slow down my pace in order to get things fixed. Yet due to lethargy I succumb to sleep. Strange but true.

Recent disposition towards instant gratification (reading random movie articles to anticipate what movie to watch, watching meaningless shows to amuse myself, and also the humiliating fact that I am still struggling to discard my temptation towards watching pornography online) has made such attempt to fruitfully reconnect with people remarkably difficult. Learning to pace myself such that there’s room for contemplation and meditation proved difficult because of my inclination towards getting things fast and wanted instant gratification for the success of work at the end of the day. When I started to notice the different way I look at things recently the first person I talked to was actually my good buddy back in Thailand. He could identify a few things in my concern. However, no matter how much he could advise it boils down to the perspective of life that I may have embraced on recent notes that has begun to go wrong.

By God’s grace, I have been given better work load in recent note, and just mainly helping my other colleagues with the problem faced. It also reminded me to take note of my own schedule, my time and my other commitment. I have learned through time the importance of sticking to what matters more – especially now that after I have slowed down in life after the cardiac arrest and the work load has significantly followed suit too. Perhaps when there’s difficulties in life, we start to think about things larger than where we all have been – fulfiling immediate productive duties that serve our purpose as tools in the world today.

In deliberate actions to slow down the pace, I have noted how much I have missed in life, and forgetting how much many other things matter in life. In retrospect, I realized how difficult it has been for my friends to keep in constant keel with me – trying to understand me where I have been and keeping themselves posted. One very random note from a friend getting married by end of this year actually hinted that my hometown friends were actually wanting to meet up with me, having heard things about me that defy the existing person they used to know (a musician growing to be better looking and more kempt, a gentleman who is now attached and moving on to a new life, so on). This actually surprised me when I first read it. I remembered seeing myself as a dirty ugly moron who has lost his sensibility to live righteous and feed on wasteful resources to survive each day. Like a fat obese guy eating junks sitting on his couch never moving forward, I see myself so much like this that I often forced myself to move out to see the world differently as how I usually see myself – just to get myself fresh air and a new way of living.

It was very refreshing, to be honest, to see and realized that even in those friendship I have cumulated difficult and unpleasant memories – that they are still keen to see me and be surprising themselves with how I have been. How naïve I have been.

I tend to be secluded and isolated most of the time actually. As much as I tried, I don’t like the fact of sitting down and mingling. Somehow there’s a sense that life seems wasted by ‘indulging in seemingly meaningless communication about random things’. I sometimes dread conversation because of the frequent need to be very mindful about what to say at the time conversation is held. For example, I tried to look nice and gentleman whenever I am in talks with my university friends, hoping that they will see as someone mature and well-kempt. Sometimes, in those moments of conversation I had a sense that the dialogue flow became very artificial.

Yet whenever I avoid conversation, come back home (especially during the days of my singlehood), despite ‘productive’ edges on trying to finish work and stuff, I always felt left out and disappointed by the fact that I spend most of the time looking at work related stuff. Sometimes even commitment to practice music alone becomes so mundane that I waste myself by reading trashes. I shall not be more explicit because I think it should be rather clear enough. Nevertheless the intention was really quite demeaning.

As I grow into maturity in life, I start to realize the importance of communication, no matter how random it might be. We are not machines living by the law of productivity and assuming ethics to be running along the veins of conversations. Sometimes, in randomness it could be a source of encouragement and disappointment (that could run either way from a sentence to the other), but it doesn’t have to be employed in force. This would not make things work well. Of course, there are people who are paid to be a professional in engaging those conversation (counselor or psychiatrist to name a few professions) – but we are not expected to put a purpose in those. Friendship, if made to measure by the productivity of ‘happiness’ or ‘pleasure’, will never scale up to the ideal as expected. Sometimes there will be up and down in life – and that includes friendships. This is a hard lesson that I have to learn along the way.

Strangely though, I have learned this through in a relationship with my girlfriend. I think it takes a lot of grace on her side to be able to embrace me as who I am and still loving me all the way. I realized how much love she has invested in order to love me the way I am. There are many moments I realize I need to humble myself in order to see her world. For example she hoped that I spend time to come to her church with her family, but I kept thinking that it is a primary duty of her to come to mine instead. Though she was rather accomodative by the fact that I am still learning to get out of my comfort zone (by getting to know her friends). I felt that conversation left spontaneous is definitely with good benefit for the health of the communication part of the relationship.

Bringing it back into the context of my friendships, it is definitely imperative to constantly remind myself of the importance of a fruitful relationship, but it doesn’t need to take productivity as a measure of fruitfulness. In fact it might be that the lesser it takes on the scale of productivity (in this context, it could be more related to ‘benefiting from this relationship on my own psychological health, etc), the better the fruitfulness might be. Perhaps, from then we would see less of our own benefit, and start seeing other people as more important than us. This might be a good start to learn to be relational.

I am taking some effort to maintain close relationship with people who have been in constant contact with me. Although it is difficult for me to start a close friendship with people in church for now, but I think it is good to start things slowly. Hope that you guys can suggest more if there’s anything that can also help to grow the relational character in me. And at the end, perhaps this would be the best opportunity to start being a witness for Christ, who has died for us all (while we were yet sinners).

[short note]: reflection of a grace from John 8

A reflection of grace given at the cost of repentance. 
But in repentance, the conscious guilt pulls us to realize how much the meaning of grace surface to us:

"8 ¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ²  Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]]"

A compelling story that reminds us on the infinite mercy that God has for us, and the admonishment that no matter how dark and deep your sin may be - God has already freed that guilt from you, so that you can start again afresh and walk towards Christ-likeness.

[prayer request]: day 160712

Prayer:

1) I have been thinking very hard about my spiritual health, and it is not in a very healthy state. I have understood the meaning of besetting sins, and I kept wandering around them without the willpower to stop myself being indulging in them. So unless in that nick of time I could see the severity of how deep the graveness of sins bringing me towards, I will easily be tempted to follow suit. So pray that as I learn to pick up the pieces along with my mentor and my cell group leader, pray that I can also start revealing the heart my insecurities that allowed me to indulge in senseless desire. 

2) Work has been slightly kind, and I thank God for the mercy and grace of the people around me despite my health concerns. Recent cardiac arrest also slowed the pace of my management, and they have been less demanding. Though I have reservations, I know that eventually I don't serve just the humans because of their superiority. I serve because God first showed His examples on us, and to take up the cross daily and remembered that I don't live for myself anymore - but for Him who has first saved us. So the welfare of the company would also have to be taken into consideration and I should learn to live in accountability with people who are judging my performance.

3) Relationship is not all highs and lows, but at times it could get a bit difficult. She has been encouraging me to do Bible study together, but I know my temptation to like to physically touch her and leading her to somewhere wrong. I mentioned this to my mentor and my cell group, and they have forewarned me about not leaving the door locked. However, I know that such advices may not mean well and much and my inner strength is weaker. So I need to learn to meet lesser, yet be more focus in sharing. My own strength to resist is weak, and I need to talk it out to a fellow sister to encourage accountability for her, but we have to find time. I pray that the time that I would get to spend with my girlfriend this Friday would be something related to be able to talk about these, keeping boundaries yet still showering the love for each other.

4) I thought about the purpose I have in Christ, and yet in searching for an identity I don't seem to understand beyond the gift in music. It seemed awkward in my current position as I don't see any opportunity knocking on for a change. However, if my current job is being positioned by the calling of Christ, then I pray that God can reveal Himself more so as to know if this is the vocation that He has given for me. As of now, I felt that I am going along with the flow for too long that I don't know how to handle my own self at times. Pray that God will reveal in my heart His desire, so that I could live for God the way He wanted. Now it seems like I am living the way I think God might want, but I am not too sure if that's the right way of thinking. 

Pray that I am humbled as prayers be cultivated as well. Pray that a group of accountable people can help to sit in together and keep encouraging one another to live for Christ. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

[short note]: looking through the glass

Thought that maybe I wanted to share this briefly.

Was thinking about joining sound ministry for churches as part my calling.
Been thinking hard, but somehow I am stiffled by financial burden.
As of now I am still struggling to pay off my rents and my loans. And I am now currently attached, so entertainment fee might be an issue.

These are practical issues, but there's more underlying struggles that I have.
Though in here, right now, it is hard for me to put things in clearer perspective for you guys to read, I believe that first step is a good start.

Hope to hear more from you guys as time goes.

(on mobile): cry and hope

Crying out in anguish, not understanding how I end up being broken and fallen from grace.
Then a spurn of thought brought me down, struggling to understand why our Father still loves us despite our brokenness.
And in a still moment I remembered how a song that depicts the vengeful post-breakup of a victimized soul, written by Trent Reznor - in turn sung redemptively by a old weary man yet still holding on to the Grace of God by Johnny Cash to remind people of the redemption that God promises in the song 'Hurt'.
Then in little way I understood that these temptations were allowed by God to mean us well, that struggles draw us close to God, remembering that God has overcome the world, even through unlikely circumstances. That's redemption and that's Grace.
I cry for help because only through the cry I understood the need for Grace to wash away the pain I seared to myself, and let God once again wash me white as snow.
Glory to God. In Jesus'name we pray. Amen.

[poem]: night is darkest just before the dawn

when darkest looms, and pains arose,
we human tend to shirk by and large,
forgetting our values, our principles,
self-survival of our utmost concerns.

sad on hindsight that we have diminished,
when this could be the best to show the meaning of living,
community upbringing, and showering love,
even when one odds out from all.

however, night is darkest just before the dawn,
a glimmer of hope in the midst of all,
when one uphold the meaning of forgiveness to all,
and decides that all should come to each of their own. 

when all shirk of their role of living, and one stood out,
by loving them despite of their infidelity and failures,
though despise and rejection may come, the light shown through,
like a blossoming daisy in the midst of dried, horrid trunk.

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Father, despite my tendency to return eye for an eye, I pray that in your love that you have bestowed upon me despite my failures and weaknesses, may I draw the strength to live and love those who I hate and resent. That forgiveness comes not from me, but first from the cross that Your Son has demonstrated for us. Father, have mercy onto my soul.

In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

[reflection]: to let go. of presumptions and supplications. and to start over.

[Disclaimer]: This is a random thought written, probably, to clear my thoughts. At times, there are very large discrepancies in terms of thought analysis. Please do not read them as they are. Try to understand the context behind, and it will help you understand what's the eventual outcome and what it takes to get there. Pardon the grammar and the sentence structure. The randomness is not something easy to read as well. 

During my recent stay in a general hospital (of which I used to be the student of the respective school nearby), I remembered the vividness of seeing things around me, and how they respond to one another when it comes to life emergencies. To put into some perspective of what I am talking about – I was warded in the emergency ward on the evening where I suddenly experience near-syncope. Yes, a heart failure. 

The exact scenario isn't very much a pleasant one to elaborate. I was in a train station, making my way back to Malaysia from my home in Singapore, and I was rather tired due to late night before. Waking up early is my usual habit - but compounded with late night it hurts a lot for me. Plus the fact that I have been very much concerned with work ethics, and where my management intends to bring me towards, it has given me some repercussions. On top of that, I am still struggling to balance my work life and my personal life, let alone having a girlfriend. Things were rather difficult to handle to be honest. 

I have learnt, in life, that it is usually a luxury that everything can come in methodological order. Usually, it's either a burst all at once, or that you could have seasons of 'nothingness' in life. I guess in my lifestyle, I am more attracted to burst-ly life. Henceforth on that day, when I was already lacking in sleep, I was handling work on several sites within a Saturday, and the obligation to go back to Malaysia caused my heart to probably finally gave her piece of mind: "Stop!".

To write this blog, to me, is personally difficult in many ways. In one way or another, I have to concede that this is a good wake up call for me. A call to remind myself that I am no superman, and that I cannot handle everything on my own, despite my eagerness to climb up the ladder. And this ladder - it is another presumptuous thoughts I believe. All along I thought I am doing what I have been liking in my life, and now even though I am being given the charge to handle the area that I like, I hate to admit this - I am being thrown into the troughs of political runs that decide me to be the overall leader of many other teams. I am not ready for management role, to be sure, but the idea is not so much of being the managerial role, but the fact that I moved along with ill-advised strategies. The heart failure probably prompts me to think further on this matter. 

I reflected as much as I could during my stay back in Singapore resting in my room, but the mood gets hazy. I saw my laptop, and immediately I distracted myself from the difficult thoughts. I started to lose much of the focus, and decide - like a plaster-patch, to put off the pain by thinking of something nice: playing guitar, writing music, getting away from the pain for a while, thinking that when I come back, the hazy feeling will go off, and I can start to concentrate on what I want to do in life better. 

Yet, I kept pondering about it, and I felt that I haven't gotten anywhere. Is my calling in life to be related in sound/music ministry? I tried not to think too much into the idealistic endeavors and just concentrate on how to treat my parents better and give a better assurance to my future. Especially now that I have a girlfriend, and I need to start not thinking about myself. And yes - didn't I know that I should always do to others what I want others do to me?

And what is it exactly that I want others to do to me? To date, I am still unsure of what I want to do. And that bothers me. My girlfriend has it spot-on when she said that she could tell that I am all over the place. I wasn't concentrating because I don't even know what I want to concentrate in the end. I want a career in music ministry, but I don't know what to do in order to get there. I want a career in sound ministry, but I don't know who are the contacts for me to enhance my sound experience. I want to live a good life, but I don't know how to give myself a good life. I have so much theoretical sounding direction, that I could just elaborate to whoever that is interested - that I am keen to do this and that in order to get there - but they are all empty words. Nothing sound and concrete. I might change my mind the next time I come around. I have no principles, and I followed the wind wherever it goes.

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It is strange that after saying those things, somehow there's a sense of clarity. You finally realized that you never get anywhere, and yet you have so much gift given to you. And as I realized that I found out that the way out is to first scrap off whatever kind of assumption that I can have many options - and decide to start with one and only. And I thought about it hard enough to think that perhaps it might be good to begin with just looking into life's basics. Work matters, life matters and relationship matters. 

A drink of hot chocolate probably brought me to this point of trying to understand myself further. Do I want to give the best of myself first or to give the best of the people that matters to me the most? Would it turn out to be selfish to concentrate on my own betterment for now, rather than giving in time to make sure the people around me gets the best of what they should have? Then it occurs to me that my thought process may not be accurate - how would I know what's best for others if I don't spend time with the others? But then, in that case, would it help if I spend so much time understand them without understanding myself? I got confused somehow.

Hmm. Maybe it is because I have not really learned to love the people around me as myself as much before. In the past, I have learned, albeit the slow-pace manner, to love myself despite all the hurt inflicted in me for years. I begin to realize how much worth I have that is given from God. My listening skill in music and sound appreciation is beyond what I expect myself to be. I don't call my gift Godlike - but I know those gift acquired couldn't be something that I develop on my own, though I do take time to practice. But the time I used to practice will not be able to justify the sharpness and the attentiveness I have towards those subjects. I have close sense on some music notation, the development of a phrase within chorus, the strong refrain that suddenly dip into the bridge to denote an anti-climax - and all these translated in sound appreciation. I know what kind of tools to use to bring out the panning of sound to make the hall sounds fuller, I know how to reduce the impact of reverberation by adding equalization and delays of speakers' response; I know how to configure a certain program and make sound processes work the way it is supposed to be, etc. However, knowing that I have such gifts means nothing if they are never put to practice how to serve the people well. 

And speaking on how to serve people well. Given that I have the expertise - what is the use of having these when my management kept putting me on half-witted effort with the exuberant amount of clients that I need to serve. And the exaggerated level of commitment I am supposed to give to various clients. Now with my role to be just a commissioner, I expect people to know everything while I monitor them. I was just thinking of myself being a junior engineer, and here my management wants me to make sure the team (which mostly include my senior engineers) do the work the management wants them to do. In short, I become an informant rather than a sound engineer.

I got lost. Then with all the commitment I put in work, I found myself difficult to revert back and look for old friends. They seem so far away, as I have spent so much time in work that I have forgotten that I used to have a life out there with friends, with church members, with God. I almost lost them. I thought about my friends back in my university days who kept me in the loop for prayer, and I remembered how fond those memories were. Even though we were just discussing about things, randomly, and we weren't even doing something great for God, those times remind us of our humility and our brokenness. We appreciate who we are and the friends around us. We loved each other and stayed true to each other no matter what happened. 

Gosh, why have I become so competitive that I sounds like a failed experiment?

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It is particularly sad that it took a heart failure to wake me up into this level of realization. Yet, I have a better sense of understanding myself. This writing is a good start, and I hoping that good souls could read this, and if God's willing, he/she could share what's on his/her mind. I have to admit, the writings sound so much like rambling that it might be difficult to be objective enough. However, perhaps it is at this stage of awkward yet immediate rambling that I want to present to close acquaintance so that he/she could see the real me - the confused yet wanted to find a way out of where he is.

I pray that God will use you to tell me, even if those advises that you give will sound extremely difficult for me to take in. It is better that you speak with a heart of God, than to cushion words of comfort that actually hide the fury of hell. 

on mobile@xanga: living among the broken lives

We never understood the meaning of walking in a tight rope between life and death, until we bring ourselves to the literal end of the lifeline.

As I'm hospitalized for the past 2 days, I often wondered about mortality, because I see around me the people who are trying to survive each day as it passes. I'm humbled to be the only one who is curing and getting better while for the rest of those along the ward are still in dire state of unknown, not knowing if they would survive. Perhaps, we should remember that God gives and takes our lives in accordance to His will. Blessed be the name of God.

[short post]: in good and in bad times

In good times, we see even in the darkest mire,
A potential twilight dispersing the scoured moor,
Reminding us that in bright day, 
The moor looks like a beautiful clay pool.

I see the light, easily before me in good times,
How much these hard lessons taught me,
That all hard knocks were meant to strengthen my soul,
Of which hard muscles toned the soul.

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Yet in hard times, reminded as I was,
Of the trauma and the turmoil of the soul,
The disappointment sprouted due to the inefficacy of hard labor,
And so of to wretched path I went on.

The temptation, too great to bear, yet so miserable there after,
That I couldn't bear to live the shame the next day again,
Sorrowful begets me, and repentance is closer then to me,
To seek forgiveness, who else can I reach to?

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In Jesus I found mercy,
Freely given, on the house,
Yet was I not aware,
That the infinite expense of grace... cost His life dearly.

We dare not put mildly the love of Christ,
For His death brought to us new lives in Yahweh,
Yet all the glory and honor took in the form of a shame,
Of the worst that could even be blamed.

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Remember the cost of the sacrifice He laid,
And there hence live as if it is worth the pain,
Even though at times trod-ding path seems inevitable,
But the pain He suffers - it is worth more to live on.

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In good and in bad times. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. 

[short note]: In Christ Alone

To remind myself, that in the midst of many trials (be it self-inflicted due to negligence or circumstantial crisis) that God is with us. We may make mistakes, and it can be quite disheartening, but blessed is those who seek the face of Christ in the midst of one's failure to seek His forgiveness and grace.

In Christ Alone lyrics

By: Stuart Townsend, Keith Getty

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone! who took on flesh Fulness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones he came to save: Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied - For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain: Then bursting forth in glorious Day Up from the grave he rose again! And as He stands in victory Sin's curse has lost its grip on me, For I am His and He is mine - Bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

 

[short post]: reproach and remembrance of Him

In short reproach I beseech myself,
The empathy that sours to apathy,
In life everlasting I forbade myself to receive,
The turn of suffering suddenly comes easily.

I prayed to God with unequivocal confession,
That I may be forgiven a bigger sin than this,
And the Lord forgiven me, with all the blood and toils,
Not in part, but the whole; renewing me in sparkling white.

I confessed, I have made mistakes,
Therefore I subjected myself to felony and agony,
But God from High, in mercy of Jesus Christ,
Took the burden and withdraw the bond I enslaved.

Hence forth my friends, learn in Christ,
Remember His death, His mercy and His obedience,
To live is Christ, to die is gain,
That everlasting communion with King is our gain.

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I have almost forgotten how it is to commune with friends and brothers in Christ, and I felt quite jaded these past few days being in constant move without a sense of direction. Work has taken a toll on me, and I lost my control over what's wrong and right. A recent breakdown in work, and a mismanaged relationship has caused me to lose sight of what God has for me.

Pray that we have an awakening sense of shame that requires God to cleanse and renew us each day. Pray that our pride of self-righteousness will break down in pieces and humiliate us to look to Christ. Pray that when we turn to Christ our ability to see things surface beyond measures. And finally, let our eyes fix upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who in obedience followed the will of God - even till the death of the cross - so that we might live in Christ, and not die in vain.

In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

[reflection]: About My Country, and My Faith

I have written a post in Facebook, defying a lot of authoritative concerns about the anti-government sentiments which my parents forewarned me (they monitored my Facebook and tell me not to post several things, including my relationship status). In this case, I felt that as a Malaysian and also a Christian, I found the recent occurrence in Malaysia something difficult to articulate. So I raised my post - to find like-minded people responding to the event. It may seem lengthy though, but I thought it deserves repeating:

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"A question for those who share my faith - looking at this event, and understanding the standpoint of the peace rally much akin to Berlin 90s and African American in South US rally in late 80s, how would you respond to Bersih 3.0, and putting your faith in responding to the event?

Especially those who were bred and buttered in Malaysia, how would you put your faith as a basis in responding to Bersih 3.0, albeit the sentiments of unprecedented unfairness you might face on individual accounts?

I kept myself silent long enough to not react rashly towards such politics, but between the line of restrained trust in eventual justice and almost berserk-like hurls of pro-activism, the balancing act proved a lot more draining, especially when I personally faced injustice upfront.

If articulation and constant dependency of believing that 'Thy kingdom comes' (just like the national anthem of Malaysia - 'Tuhan kurnia-kan') lives among us, perhaps we better learn that whatever that is at stake - justice and fairness in governance - God watches us all. And perhaps, there might be hope in believing, like Martin Luther King - "I have a dream... that we are free at last!" - that this peace rally is a wake-up call for all of us, remembering that we don't live each day just to get by.

You may not agree, and you might even reject. Whatever it may be, I'll be honest - I struggle with this too.

Something to think about... not only for us, but for our generation's to come. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyYUMoacPog&feature=share"

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Upon sharing I felt quite liberated, yet disturbed. As young, I have taken some interest in reading stories about the Berlin wall fall and the peace rally in South US (Texas) when Martin Luther King showed the world the cruelty of immoral and corrupt governance. Mom always warned me not to be engrossed in such readings (though she secretly read these details with equal interest. In the later part of the year we sit side-by-side as pro-reformalist), but I realized as days gone by, truly as Christians we must address the issue of social injustice here on earth, even though our citizenship eventually will be in Heaven with Christ. 

C. S. Lewis wrote something before about the Christians contributing on earth even though they blatantly refuse allegiance to any earthly force and authority. Defying all odds, hospitals and hospices were built because Christians believed in human dignity and human suffering as a means of ministry for those to be departed and to be healed. And the monumental act of justice, in the form of mercy and grace showered through various nations because of the belief of a small group of Christians congregating together to pray for the souls of the lost. In those prayers, God poured our His spirit in the hearts of man the reality of human injustice and practical means against them. 

Reading the peace rally conducted by this amazing lady Ambiga Sreenevasan, I started to learn a little bit about her past and her contribution to society. If it rings any bell to my US friends, she received International Woman of Courage Award in 2009, handed to her by US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. And for the benefit of my Christian friends, she fought hard for a case for a Muslim convert to Christian back in 2007 (the outcome was a granted apostasy of Lina Joy being a Muslim). For your information, in Malaysia, Muslim is an automated religion subscribed for ethnic Malays. So should anyone convert from Muslim to Christianity, the moral and religious backlash and discrimination was evidently prevalent - especially for ethnic Malay. This is one of the grey area that made Ms. Ambiga fought hard for religious equality. Though personally I struggled to embrace religious equality, I do believe the image of Copts Christians in Egypt protecting their Muslim counterparts while praying on a Friday afternoon in 2010 speaks of our commission given by Christ Himself - love your neighbor as yourself. It was Christ who first demonstrated the Love of God in the form of a human, and to touch the lives of millions of people searching for a meaning in life. 

This is the video of Ms. Ambiga who told of the post-Bersih 3.0 and her articulation of what has happened. Something to think about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi6sFm-RYxg

We lived in a world ruled by so many injustice and unfairness. We humans failed to live upright with accountable stewardship and transparent governance to our younger generation. Due to the innate character mischievously cultivated by the princes of the world (devils and the evil ones), we let the best of our sinful nature decides - and eventually lead down the path of unrighteousness. And true enough - even on a peace rally akin to Bersih 3.0 (just type Bersih 3.0 in youtube for you to understand what's going on), you can't deny the portrayal of human weakness and our sinful nature. Not all the motivation that led to the rally were noble and moral. But yet - when I think of myself being a Christian - and still dabbles in pornography and my personal distaste towards my sinful lifestyle, I felt ashamed thinking how much the sinful nature obstructs God's vision for us as Christians - spread the Gospel till the end of the world, and reach out for the lost. 

Would you, therefore, spend a moment in silence and in prayer for the reflection of the state of social justice in the world wherever you are at, and give some time to let God speak to you, of what He will impart of you?

[short update]: yay! finally I can blog from home!

I wondered what Xanga did, but now I can blog at home - and that gave me a lot more reason to be more active and prudent in my occasional reflection. Yay! Thank God for this avenue.

Been reading Screwtape Letters, and I made it a point to read it as slow as a chapter a day, reading the same chapter twice - once in the morning and once at night.

Hope this will be helpful.

[reflection]: healing through faith

In purpose we try hard to reach for ultimate living, and most of the time, the further we go, the farther we disengage ourselves within - and the gradual steps of futility cast over us like we are the worst among all. Sometimes, I felt that living in such a life bounds to meet with inconsistency or even pretentious fluency.

I thought about life in general, in the past months, and I felt so difficult to comprehend the meaning of life after all. We live in a time when North Korean has initiated some high profile defiance towards western nations - in living with its ideal of communism and pursuit of kingship upon the world. We live in an era where whilst many of the developed countries are having luxurious branding of lives (while living in agony because of materialistic endeavors) - people of similar age are living fearfully each day wondering if today's the last day they would ever see the face of their loved ones in third world countries. We live in a world where prominence of transparent and democratic governance didn't lead us into righteousness and fairness - but well fed into the notorious desires of selfishness from the citizens voting, "He is not doing enough for our neighborhood"; such shouts hardly become a notion of fairness and justice, and yet this is the nation where we see impartiality. 

When I reach home every day from work, I felt so tired. Simply tired. The world where we live in is such a mess. I went to work in the morning, being healthy and hopeful for the day ahead (especially when I am getting closer to doing what I enjoyed as a sound engineer) and to have my superior reprimanding about my work ethics but ignore blatantly on the work effort put into. And when I was onsite on work installation and started my deployment, I was appalled by the inhuman treatment my client gave towards the construction workers - people my client thought to be third-rated and do not deserve the same human treatment. "Better be a dog" - though not a statement mentioned, but you could see the face of those dejected Bangladeshi, Pakistani, Indian and Burmese being left out - and was expected to have lunch hour for only 20 minutes whereby their superior and clients could enjoy a meal at Han's restaurant for a good hour with proper seats and arrangement. Above all, when I went away to do another service fault, I was aghast to experience the treatment my client treat me - as if I am less than human. Expect immediate result - but he will go out for a drink with his friends while I work late to solve a problem onsite.

At times, at my bed, when I reflect about the hardness in life, I wondered if there's a meaning in enduring these all. Despite the high position I took in my work place (something that justifies my graduate posting), I often wonder how would my colleagues and my clients react if they were to know that I could have held a better prospect working comfortably in a cubicle elsewhere, with good air-conditioning and excellent benefit in work provision. I could take medical leaves whenever I want to, and take holidays should I felt burnouts. And true enough, that was what I undertook when I first join workforce in my previous company. Good treatment, great benefit, more human treatment.

And in me I felt very uncomfortable. If we were to call to live as those who are poor, heartbroken and dejected, how are we to appreciate the beauty of grace that God bestowed upon us first? The grace that is given is indeed something inconceivable in human logic. Why would God condescend Himself to be used by humanity - especially when He created them? 

My experience in this workforce has been something mentally drained. Each day I listened to the difficulties of my colleagues with regards to how the clients see us. How inhuman they seem to treat us - and yet we have to bring a smile upon them to tell them that we would do all our best in serving them well. At times the fake smiles came with after a huge out-pouring of our heart to the four sided wall - thinking that they are the only sympathetic ones that bothered to hear you, albeit their silence. 

Reading stories of Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa and eventually the walk through of Christ in the early A.D. taught me something important - this path of humility that I have chosen was not an initiation that I came about to brag on my compassion - it is an example walked by our forefathers that, in faith and nothing else, followed through the humble path that God undertook - because of the condescending mercy that He has poured on humanity - in His accord, not us.

We, who have sinned and fall short of the glory of God - we have veered far and wide from His path for us - we need to unlearn our pride of righteousness (which is like a piece of undergarment stained in our defecation) and relearn the humble path that Jesus has first demonstrated for us. If there's any lesson we who are the Christians and believed first in Him, read again the gospel of John in its totality, and much can be learned from there - the humility that Christ encouraged us to exhibit. 

As I end today, I wondered if I have learned to become humble and be a better person. Immediately it struck me to realize how much pride that question brings me. Hence, I need to start reflecting in life - and let God reveal the sinfulness I continued to lavish without knowing.

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Anyway, just for an update: I haven't been able to update much for the past weeks as I was busy with high profile projects. However, as times go, I realize that there is a need to remain committed in blogging and writing down my thoughts. Personally I think that this is a good practice, and it definitely would be helpful to pen my thought (since I am not much a speaker but a writer) and reflect upon what God has for what I have gone through.

Personally there's a lot of struggle in my journey in faith. I have been pretty much 'alone', though I continue my routine to church (in fact, the church service is the only reason that root myself in Christ). I have been finding difficulties meeting up with my cell group due to different commitments and on recent notes I realize how important it is to keep commitment no matter what. Please pray on this matter for me.

Lastly, I have been learning to draw myself away from sexual temptation and casual flings. It is a start, however - because this habit is something that needs accountability, I think it would take a huge amount of effort and willingness on transparency for me to be very honest, so I think I may need prayer to find back the accountability that I have previously with my mentor (if it is going to be another person, I'll pray that he will grant me mercy and favor and also portraying the reality of his weakness to make me realize that my mentor is also a broken man in need of God's grace). In all sense I pray that things will be in His favor ultimately, and hope that God will show His way to me, even if it is going to be something difficult for me. 

In Jesus' name we pray, Amen. 

[short note]: work, work, work... and?

I have been dedicating almost 90% of my time at work, then when most of the big thing ends this week, I started to wonder if my dedication has been exhausting my nourishment as a person as well.

Well - to be exact, I spend so much time thinking of serving best in my work place and putting virtues at work - but realizing that at the end of the day, all is vanity. When I come back home, I stared blankly at the ceiling tiles, and a gush of guilt came to me: was that all?

Contemporary terms yet striking throughout centuries: Was That All?

I looked into my life, and wondered what is the meaningful most in life. It is good that I could find God in my working place, and seeking after the peace of good conscience forbearing all the work responsibilities. However, dedicating to work as if it is the only thing in my life - was that all?

Random reflections of the Bible and 20th centuries literature seems to caught me off-guard: apparently that seems to be it.

Jeremiah, Zephaniah, Nahum, Micah - they seem to live solely to prophesy (depending on the kingdom and the state of their allegiance to Yahweh, the God of Israel). Some forbidden for marriages, some denied friendships with peers, some have to suffer death sawn in half. I start to wonder - how is like following God in good and bad times?

Was That All?

Something to think about. Though to be fairly honest (though I remain slightly skeptic, being a fallen human in the image of Invisibile God), I have a little hope in thinking that really, that was it. :)

[reflection]: a life back home and the many thoughts in me

Hey. After a while being absent from the blogosphere, I felt quite a sense of detachment towards 'rants and angers' melodrama in life, and start having more dynamic perspective (the dark times and the good tidings). In such moments I realized how much different I was back then, a year ago, thinking about life that is full of darkness and loneliness. However, I have to stress the importance of those moments - embracing the darker side of me not as to build an identity of it, but to bring to light the darkness that befell upon me and yearning towards the light. It is strange that I should find such revelation when after a period of non-activity online and meeting up with people who I have not been in contact for a while - and to make a conscious effort to root myself in deep talks with them. And when I meant about the deep talks I meant those that touches on something that matters to all of us. Some may have strong kinship towards their belief (like I do), some may draw strength from their interest in music, some have pursuits in career path that they may have gone overboard neglecting their family - though evidently their apparent career pitch upfront betrays the sense of guilt they impart within their hearts on the loss of the intimacy within the family. Different people may have different experience to draw from, and how they relate to these important parts of their lives will reveal their perspective in life, be it in honest sharing or impressive facade. 

Nevertheless, I have grown to realize (and still learning in the meantime) the importance of being honest and making the effort to be transparent about living. It is nice to show people the unblemished records of lives that one have, and people may unconsciously draw evident inspiration of living fruitfully from the 'success' testimony that you may impart. But the true strength that I have grown to appreciate and embedded in life are those that stems from difficult livings from people that suffer in anguish all the time - and survived (albeit the scars or the burns). The revealing facts of people living in times of difficulties added the sense of realism and immediate connection with those who struggled in the background with no one listening. I draw a lot of strength from that experience. Movies that relates to broken families, broken sibling kinship, struggles in addictions are part of inspirations for living. However, what really brought me back was relating with people, in real life, their struggles and their effort to make ends meet. This soften my heart and eventually start to see things differently. 

When I was in Australia, I went with a good friend who we met during my time in Varsity Christian Fellowship (VCF). On the year when I joined this circle, behind the scene I was still striving to find an identity in life in general. By that time I was exploring the arena of rock 'n roll as my lifestyle. Joining the Christian Fellowship was actually a way of escape from my conventional student living because I thought I need help in 'spirit' to overcome the zealousness that my peers uphold in their studious living. I was, back then, struggling to be a good student, so I decide the alternative - to be the rock 'n roll and live like one. Apparently during the end of my second year, I joined a Bible Study Camp that VCF organized. So off I went to the camp, and in one of the session when there's a group discussion, I saw a guitar. During one of those free times, I went to the guitar, mischievously played a Metallica piece, and was noticed by this eventual friend of mine. Long story short - we knew each other through our common interest in music. 

This friend of mine doesn't participate much in my life during the dark days of my life (when I started struggling with pornography, then to my first ex, then to the identity in Christ, then with the second ex, and now with my career path), but he kept me in his prayer from time to time. We used to play music once in a while during our university years, but now we have lost quite a bit. With the recent trip to Australia (with the purpose of watching both Alter Bridge (our favorite band) and Switchfoot (his favorite band), we kindled the friendship 'abandoned' quite a while back, and realized we have grown in years. There are times when we reminiscence some of the old songs that we used to jam and play, but overall we were talking things in different perspective. He has struggles working in wherever he is in, and thinking - praying hard in fact, on moving to another corporation; while I am moving closer towards what I have been gifted in: sound engineering and potentially music production. We have different ideas on things, and though I tend to be the one less inclined to share my view, I respect his ideas and his articulations. He has brought some lights towards my understanding of the Bible in many ways, and I have started to embrace his fellowship more and more nowadays. 

We have yet to meet after our return back to Singapore. I was telling him quite a lot on my recent struggles with my family wanting me to be back in Malaysia for good, but he was adamant that things may not work out well in the long run. As usual, he would humbly keep me in prayer once in a while, to pray for discernment in my decision making. 

The best thing that I took back from this trip - therefore, is the friendship rekindled that I have with this friend of mine. After 5 years of those days, I felt it worth knowing him.

Thanks Ryan. You have been a blessings to me when I am in Sydney with you. Thanks for the friendship, and let's continue to keep watch of one another.

[At another time, I would write on some reflections in darker tones in life. May need your prayer to keep watch of me from time to time. Thanks]

[short post]: long overdued update, and the next step

Hey guys.

Just wanna shout out for an update: I have been busy with work and overnight shifts in order to complete certain project milestones.

And... I will be going off to Australia for a holiday, so hopefully I could take some fresh air before coming back.

Yeah... just for a shout out. Things have been on and off, but I am coping in the name of the Lord. :)

[reflection]: the beauty of poverty and simple-mindedness

As I reflect upon my upbringing since young, I see a gradual shift of difference in my well being and how I look upon at things. Now that I have a career and a relatively stable income every month, I felt more fortunate to be able to stick my work with integrity, knowing that I don't have to worry much about what will happen to me, in my well being, my living expenses and such.

Yet, there are times when I thought about my younger days, and felt that living as a pauper made me growing up to be who I am now - scarred with memories of poverty and difficult living - yet at the same time feeling grateful that I can live off at the end of each day thanking God for giving me the meal to satisfy my physical needs each day. Perhaps it is in this setting that when I thought about poor people on the street that made me have a deeper connection. At times, I wished that I could return to the way of the poverty again - and humbled my heart to seek His face through the littleness in me.

We often forget our position as being a living being created by God, that at various settings He could just dispose us without consulting us. He could just crumbled us in the midst of flood and sweep us off the planet since we made a joke out of ruling the world. And I often wondered (not rhetorically) why did God allow us to live. Yes, we all know that it is by God's Grace, but how much do we know about God's Grace to grant us that kind of wisdom to actually say that God's mercy allow us to live?

This is where I believe that people who are poor (not just in their spirit, but more in literal sense) understood the meaning of grace. I remembered in my youth when all we could afford for entertainment is a small TV bought from a second-hand shop when I was 7 - and I was so overjoyed with being able to watch 'Superman' on cartoon series that I kept tucking my dad along to watch together. Of course - apart from the fond memories of those simplicity in life, I was also taught about the realism of materialistic worth of satisfaction - as my dad quickly scoffed me and told us that he needed to work (he brought back his work from office and do accounting from there on).

I remembered in those days, how simple life was and how easy it was to just be happy and contented with little things - as a kid. Of course, we weren't born entirely in a pauper setting, but much of what we possessed came from humble background. I was lucky to have the first computer in our neighborhood couple of years after the first TV due to my parents' illegal means of getting more money. There's not much repercussions on the illegal means as I didn't know those were illegal until several years later, when I start to make sense of why police came to our house on frequent basis. 

Anyway, with this humble background, I remembered the days when I am simply glad just for a day to spend time with my parents and my sister, and we were happily chatting away with things. I also remembered my fond memories of hugging my mom after the first 'Happy Mother's Day' card made when it was my first year in Sunday school - and my mom was overjoyed to see the face of me lighted up. 

The thought of these memories - really gave me a glimpse of redemption towards the years later of which I started to see different perspective about my parents and the realism that overtook them. 

Now as they grew older and having more grim outlook towards their lives (as aging took a toll over my dad's depression bouts and my mom's emotional stress), apparently it is difficult for them to see through this period of time without their children staying by their side that often. Children like myself spent time working and getting more money in order to have a better life, and often I start to wonder about the meaning of these 'pursuit of happiness and contentment', and thought about the basic of simple living.

I spent time during the end of December not with my church friends, not with my close buddies, not even with the people that I liked - but I spent time with my parents, because I realized that there are plenty of fundamental things about spending time with parents that got lost along the way. I have practiced 'piety' in church, but not with my parents. I have practiced 'diligence' over making sure the work was fine, but not with my parents' need. Sometimes, I felt sad that I have spent most of my time fighting against pornography and sexual temptation - where my parents continued to live each day not knowing about Christ the way I have believed. They knew Christ through various means, but I know how inaccurate the doctrine they have heard taught them. 

It is never easy to sit down with my parents to start talking with them and understand them. We have such a huge barrier after several years of me staying in Singapore and overseas at times. Nevertheless, there are many time I thought about simple living, and wondered if making a trip back in Malaysia, forgetting everything that I have ever owned in Singapore (including my intelligence, my musical gift, my glib in conversations, my friendships, my possessions, etc) and just spend the last days with my parents. I tried discussing this once with them, with strong provocation from my mom in particular. "Don't be stupid. We won't be able to feed you even though you tried to be piety. What about your future? You can't just live pleasing us forever."

Yet I sense in those exclamations a betrayal of acknowledgment of the need to be part of the family again. Too long have I been away from them, too long... and they too feel the sense of detachment. I tried very hard to reconcile the difference and the hatred I had for them for years, and for now it started to melt down, one icing at a time. I knew of my mom's adamant stand for her belief in pluralism Buddhism, but there are times when you can tell some hint of fear of living in condemnation forever. I am till this day unsure of what my father's stand is, but I do know that he has not committed to anything yet. He has a rough childhood and now his childhood became the reason why there's no longer continuity with the gathering of his siblings (my uncles and my aunt). 

I sometimes wished for simplicity in life, hoping that I could become as naive and as simple as a poor pauper. Sadly, seeing the world is, and where I am, I often sobbed myself in bed every now and then in my bed on the burden for the sinfulness of myself - and of the world. And how difficult it was to relate to my parents and hoping to have them as my model of faith. In this case, they have become my stumbling block in faith, and I could only wish that there's someone who would listen to me and cry with me. I really wished for one.

Couple of years back, I remembered a senior Christian brother who was with me during my first break up - in which he was the only one who met first with my first girlfriend and have a nice conversation back then with 3 of us. Although at the time he also disapproved of the relationship, he was genuinely more concerned about my well being rather than the theological concern of being with a non-Christian. When he opened his mouth after my apparent 'matter-of-fact'-ly story retelling on how I got involved with my girlfriend and the struggles I had as her boyfriend - asking me if I felt all alone all along... I remembered crying for half an hour just to imagine those few words in a sentence - crying all over because he heard me. It took me years to realize that at that point of time, he understood what was actually in my heart the strongest when I chose to find a girlfriend, or distract myself with a casual relationship, or evading my parents or doing things randomly just to get attention. I was feeling very alone - all along. 

And till this day, I still feel pretty much alone. With all the gadgets in the world (Facebook, Android, iPad, iPhone, etc), you thought that it would make us feel more connected. Strangely, I feel even more distant from people, and I tend to isolate people more because of the lack of depth of relationship that I had with people in the past. And it is in this setting, that I remembered my younger days during my kindergarten times - as a 7-year-old-boy enjoying his first TV moment with mom and sis watching 'Superman'. Though at that time my dad was busy calculating the salary that he had to make sure to be correct so that everyone in his department get the correct share, in my simple-mindedness I wished that he could just forgo his work, come and sit with me, hold my hand and embrace my small body, and watch the show with enthusiasm. I wished too to go back to the time when in our poverty, I took a paper that was given to me in my Sunday school class, and borrowing from my favorite teacher at that time the small markers, and wrote something about my mom being there for me even though dad was busy, and hug her and having her hug me back - and tell me that everything's alright... 

In our poverty, we learn to be humble, simple and content with simple things. The fact that we could entrust each day thanking God that He has provided us with what we need is good enough. And with now, in my loneliness in the room as I reflect upon moments whereby I felt most materialistic fulfilling, I think - those will never be satisfactory as the days when I felt a simple contentment in life. 

(It might be all over the place, but as writing I just feel my tears running through. So it could be just writing because of what tucked in my heart for decades. Pray that these tears will be reminder of the mercy that God has showered on me, to remind me of the simple-living in Grace)

Signed. Ren.

Part 2a Journal: Record from the Sojourner [January Reflection]

... continue from the previous journal record... current would be Record 5

Record 5: Smile of a Child

I had made quite a remarkable observation recently while sitting in one of the old-school coffee houses back in my hometown in a rural countryside nearby - a small boy, perhaps no older than 3, trying his best to drink up the milk tea that was ordered by her mom. What caught my attention was the nature of how the child tried his best and insisting his mom that he can handle by himself. Already struggling to sit well among the rest of the family (in normal chairs), he insisted in sitting like an adult and wanting the family to acknowledge the family to look to him as a 'grown-up'. His 'smaller-than-petite' body size is already depriving him of the inviting aroma of the milk tea in front, and I was seriously thinking of how the mom could just leave the child to be - in this state. 

Couple of minutes later, the child gave up. Realizing that he had to admit his childish behavior and his child-like capacity, he had to let his mom feed him, slowly yet surely. 

Amazingly, the mom did not scold the child for being reluctant to receive help. In fact, she cuddled him by the head, and kissed him a bit. I found such treatment strange though common for parents to do likewise. And looking at the cheeky smiles on the boy, I suspected that he may have wanted attention eventually, and he got his.

Then something hit me in my heart. The kind of relationship that I saw was what I have hoped for in years from my parents, in which none was given. Well, to be fair, not none (perhaps it is the way they treat which is rather different from what I would expect), but something that has tucked the strings of my heart for quite a while.

During my trip back home, there's so many things my parents shared to me that was quite starkly surprising to me. One of the prominent ones is the fact that my parents have decided to buy a house and decide to give us this house as part of the property inheritance. This is one of the most surprising thing done for us, because firstly it was announced before we made any decision. When I first knew of such arrangement, I was already told at that point of time that the cash deposit has been delivered and that I just need to sign the papers in the law firm. There's literally no rooms for discussions and negotiations. At that point of time, I was rather furious that my parents bought a house without our consents and dictate me to travel to and fro Singapore from Malaysia everyday. My mom especially insisted that I work in Singapore (and nowhere else), and stay in Malaysia without fail. 

When I first heard it from her in person during the recent December retreat, I almost wanted to vent my anger towards my mom. This was unwarranted for, and without our consent (me and my sister), I would have rejected the offer (which I initially did). When I told her that there will be convenience issue, my mom reasoned me with my poor financial planning skills. As the son, I felt very dejected being the black sheep of the family, being the one who has issue with financial planning - and causing so many problems to my family in terms of looking long term the sustainability. At such days, my mom has touched the right nerve to shut me up and I will have to comply to it. 

However, the thought that my parents hold strong decision making onto me even when I am already going to 30 and my parents reaching 70s throw me into a reality check. If I were to reflect on myself - I think I have yet to really grow up and mature as a man that is not only being a good steward, I am also not capable enough to take care of a woman and provide a path of marriage that will ensure her to see me as the man to submit to. Upon realizing it, I was quite disappointed with myself for being quite a failure, of a sort, when it comes to being a man. Apparently my parents still look at me like a child. 

That night, after the discussion of my financial state and the housing, my mom talked with me about getting into a relationship. She began to suspect that there's something about me that cause the difficulties in finding a relationship. Due to the nature of not sharing the same belief I find it hard to explain to her that my current relationship status remains single due to my inability to be a good testimony and I am still striving to still understand myself more in terms of preparing myself for who Christ will bring to me (if He wills it. Otherwise, if He intends me to be single... that's something I find it hard to chew on, but I will have to learn to give up to Christ). I explained to her that I felt that time is not right yet and I am still not ready to find a girlfriend that I can envision for the rest of my life. My mom, however, was offended when I said that. Apparently in her opinion, now is the most desperate moment for me, as I am hitting 30. The mark of adulthood, according to her, was to have a wife - which I understood though not fully agreeing to her opinion. She wasn't too happy and accused me for lying. There's plenty of words that she said that won't worth repeating.

That night cause me to reflect upon the smiling child when I saw him in the hands of my mom. It hurts me more to think that I could only observe as a passerby, not being able to live it up. 

Record 6: Stillness and The Pursuit of Living

I am not too sure about the next chapter of my life, now that I have to make arrangement to move back to Malaysia and travel daily to Singapore to work and to worship. A good friend suggested that I continue to look for a place in Singapore to stay, while renting the property back in Malaysia as part of my passive income. In addition, my working place has seen some progress - where I am promoted and being given increment (though I don't expect much). There are things in life that are going well, and there are things that are not. 

With all that is happening, I can only hope that I can commit to meet up with those people despite the difficulties and the differences. I think that it is vital to not give up the fellowship (unless there's a severe differences and all parties think that it is imminent of a period of separation), but I think the more important thing is to realign the priorities in life in which I need to commit now that I have bigger burdens. Remembering my fragile parents, I find it hard to let go and remain as who I was, beating myself up and continuing to see myself as a dirtbag teenager. Now I need to start facing them 'like-a-man'. Precisely.

I have a small prayer request: please pray that in whatever the circumstances provide, pray that God will lead His way the way He wanted me to be. If this arrangement will make me grow closer to Him, then perhaps please pray that I can endure the circumstances and walk with God closer despite the difficulties. As I journey through my faith, I realize that it is the moments that were meant to destroy that actually helped me to mature, and to grow in faith. Those moments taught me the value of life, and the importance of dependence on a divine Father. Had it not of my struggles in sexual addiction, I wouldn't have realized how fallen I am as a human being. Trying my best to live through the difficulties, I realized how much I needed help. God showed His hands through fellowships, books, people and most importantly the instances of grace despite my deserved condemnation. And so, I think - I would pray that God will sustain me through this difficult time. I am pretty sure that God didn't will me to stay in Malaysia in long term, having established so much connection especially on the future road with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in Singapore - and the path leading towards writing songs for Christ in Singapore. However, I believe that I need to realign my thoughts and minds to remembering my parents - especially now in their fragility - and the company they want from me, and my sister. 

I note that my mom always liked to tell me to be rich, so that people would respect us. Born in poverty, I would understand that my parents would naturally hope that people would at least respect us (and not looking down on us just because we are poor). But I wished that one day, I could gather up courage to tell my mom that, "Well mom, it is in those moments when they look down on us that God is hoping that we look up on Him. Because that is the time that He is hoping to make eye contact with us, lovingly and embracing us." It is those who are in poverty that God has a special heart towards - yet every time when there's such an opportunity in talking about it, I find it difficult to talk to her about it. Perhaps it is because of her apprehensiveness towards institutionalized religion (including her own). Though she is a pluralism Buddhist, she always suspects that any miracle that happened is because there's money involved (being pragmatic, I suppose). I hope that one day something will open her eyes to see the beauty of our Lord. I just pray that God will open her eyes eventually. 

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I think the posts above are pretty much the left over reflections that I have during the December retreats, and it took me a few months to have thoughts articulated, written in snippets before typing them down diligently in my blog post. I am glad that you guys walk through with me through thick and thin, and thanks for staying with me so far. Hope that during this coming year, you will take time to reflect on your walk of faith with God, and rediscover how much you need to do/be in order to continue the journey of faith, as exemplifies by our forefathers of faith. 

To Jesus be the glory forever and ever. Amen.