[memoir]: Simplicity demands…

Perhaps in our deepest regrets that we have forged along the way, we may unknowingly induced in our own acceptance of self-conceit and continually think that it is in our weakness that caused the circumstances to flow not in the favor of what we have been given with. 

As time goes, I believe such occurrence becomes to many a means of avoidance and an escape away from the challenges to strive better and continue the pursuit of greater good. Sometimes we may have contemplate to give up and to give in, since in the simplicity of our weakened mind we may have thought that it is easier to give in, and to lose.

Before I continue on to illustrate and ponder on the reflection, I would like to express my gratitude to you readers, especially those to whom I have directed my blog post to for years of accountability and keeping me in prayer throughout – that I would really like to thank you guys for continual reading and hoping that recovery’s on the way to a better life and better improvement in whatever I am doing. It is in knowing that my life matters to you guys that made me continue to where I am this day, to continue still writing my reflections despite the difficult circumstances of which of now I am more concentrated upon. Work and relationship have been fulfilling but not eternally rewarding as the mental strength and the concentration have slowly decayed my spiritual element that pulls me back to God each day in the darkness of my soul. So, with all gratitude and respect I would sincerely thank you, wherever you are – to have continued to pray for me and keep me company for so long in your prayer requests, whenever God provides the time for you.

{chapter 2: the work}

Perhaps the greatest struggles that I would have the most in life is on the work place, and whatever we give to the work revealed the priority that we have set in life – which almost encompasses the general concept of life that we uphold. In this regard I would believe we all fail at some instances and do well to contemplate on making a difference in at least simple steps of striving towards a better good. However, what actually astounds many people (myself inclusive) is the fact that despite the weaknesses we exhibit, we act as if the mistakes are actually fallen off the cliff from someone else, rather than admitting that we are part of the big picture.

I have learned, first of all in the work place ethics, that whatever we have ideally uphold during our schooling in engineering ethics that ethics would not work in practical sense of holding the responsibility in the real world, however generic this may sound. Though stereotypical, the key idea in success in the work place, unfortunately, is not to conduct briefings/discussions or meetings in order to mutually agree on a solution to curb immediate concerns and propose preventive measures, but rather taking advantages of willing parties who happen to have stronger sense of responsibility and let them clean off the dust of the dirt that you face in the work place. I have seen too much of such practices in the field work, especially when people below me were not only accountable to me but also to many other parties who happen to care little of the interest of my subordinate but more on their income and the stability of their salary. In the end, unfortunately these people are the ones that gain recognitions and move forward as the pioneers of good work, whilst those left behind (who of course did all the field work) happened to be relatively unknown and remained as such.

I sometimes took pity in them, and much as I could, I try to uphold them and give them credit in the workplace whenever possible. The least that I can do is to put more recognition emphasis on them during performance appraisal and such, but never did I thought that in the eyes of management, they have already selected a few that they wish to develop and cultivate to be the next managerial elect. Those that ‘by favor’ are left behind would remain as such and continue despite the best effort of these subordinates. In unfairness the management judged them poorly (‘Their best is not enough for the company’). Unfair, huh?

I feel sad at times, that whenever I tried to push forward for them, some did not cherish the effort of us the team leads, and continual to press wounds over the pain that we felt as the middle management. There are those who definitely appreciate it, but understood too well the impending doom of such futile effort. A few chose to leave because of the unfairness, some remained because this is the only work they know to be safe and stable.

With good works it doesn’t mean that they pay off well. My team lead partner and myself find a lot of difficulties trying to hold true to ethical means of work, rather than letting management have their say over what they think is right (which usually will deplete my people many a times). What actually felt worse off is the fact that sometimes in order to achieve something good in eventual outcome, we have to succumb to client’s outrageous demands in order to make things work. Some of the demands that clients have really caused me many disturbance, but knowing that they are the pay-master, I could only oblige and follow their request.

Some nights I find it difficult to sleep with my eyes closed and my heart at ease. When the work worn me out it is sad that I have to find solace in sinful activities in order to numb my feelings of guilt and shame. I have missed so much the company of my cell group members (all being now fathers and mothers, with kids running around the house brightening the mood). The church offered little, but each week coming to church the fellowship still brings the freshness of God’s admonishment into my life. Sunday’s usually the day that I felt genuinely at ease and comforted. Come Monday, the whole bleakness sets in again.

I now see the dirty ethics practiced in the work place as a reminder that the work place bears the remnants of the Human Fall. God has given the work for us, for our good and for the benefit of the Relationship with the Trinity, but because of the liberty of our freedom, we chose to disobey and ruin the beauty of the fellowship. In subsequent unfortunate events, the work place bears remnants of the failure more than the beauty of work. I hardly see the work as a possibility of ‘fulfilling the dream’ that we wished since young. Those who actually admonished on the media propaganda that, “My job is like my dream come true” felt like a sarcasm in the face of reality. Not that it would happen, but the hardship and the compromise that comes along – those are hidden under the carpet so that people idolize the path of ‘self-worship’. It saddens me to see that we have denigrated our sense of justice to mere survival of the fittest in order to have a roof under without a drip of guilt. Sad perhaps, that we do not bother about the wellbeing of our neighbors anymore, and not letting the guilt pangs over us without a hinge of conscience running over our rotten heart every night. Sadder even, that we have degraded our sense of humanity that is given by God in the level more appropriately described the kingdom of animals rather than human.

To be honest, the degrading of my heart speaks a lot like the above, and I wondered many times if I can be forgiven because of the guilt I continue to exhibit and trying to let it hide under the carpet without letting it surface again. Many times when people sought advises from me (sometimes even my girlfriend would discuss with me the conditions of both of our work place), I would have given ideal and pragmatic answers that perhaps try to under play the ingrained dirt that will possibly come out. Though the advice is found to be fruitful and meaningful, somehow I find it difficult to live through the pain each night, thinking if I have committed the sinful act of ignorance.

{chapter 2: the friendship}

Perhaps the work place has not been forgiving to consider my life beyond work. After all, almost 90% of the time that I have had been dedicated to work, and much to chagrin of many – I hardly remember if there’s any friend I ever have outside workplace. The recent event – of which I helped for as a guitarist for my friend’s wedding, gave me the opportunity to meet up with many old friends from my old hometown (of which I credit to some as the reason why I had this blog initially. They have stopped using since, but as stubborn as I was, I still use Xanga and still find a community strong enough to allow me to move on). I guess time have changes everything. No more were the old let ups and the sarcastic remark that says how I was: a crybaby, a mischievous, a failure, etc. Now, they may have forgotten how I look and how I behave (many of them were saying: Oh gosh, you look so different, so much better looking, better composed!). Though I took pride in them, the thing that hurt me more were the distance that I felt as the old friend. Now within their sense of community, they chat among themselves, and I was perhaps ‘the guitarist hired to play’, and no more.

The sense of kinship among my friends, both old and new, has lost its initial warmness. I used to depend a lot on my friends whenever in sadness (especially during the days of my rebellions with my parents at the younger age), and so many were shared. Though they always spurt nonsensical jerk curses over each other (me usually being at the end of the butt jokes), I know that they were naïve at their age. I harbored hatred too at some of my friends for denigrating me, but as times go, I have learned to be contrived and forgiving in small and simple steps.

But perhaps in the statement above, whatever I have said, the statement above bore a sense of self-righteousness that may have caused the alienation towards my friends to this date. I don’t have long-term friends, and I could only state a few. Those that really stick with me do not stick because of my good deeds and traits. To be fair, I can be annoying to them at times and even offensive. I remembered a few of bitter exchange in a remote area about my hatred towards the world and my own self that my good friend Peter had to ‘wake me up’ from my sense by scolding rather than encouragement. To be honest, if it wasn’t for that scolding, I might still be in my own world contemplating suicide and other immature reflections. Still those are rare (and a few indeed) and that I am still in my own nutshell not willing to move out from where I was, and at times still yearn for friendship, despite the very fact that I ‘dispose’ some.

I felt guilty and equally shameful that of all the respite, I still behave as if it doesn’t really matter if the friends around me matter. And beginning with recognizing the hurt I have imparted to people, I am learning to let go of the hurt I felt, and start moving on by treating people with equal respect. I am very glad that a few of my good friends still keep in touch with me. And in that respect, I will have to decide to move forward, however small they can be. In little baby steps perhaps.

[short reflection]: as joseph did, so must i...

Reading Genesis 42 to 44 makes the heart felt convicted, for more often I resembled Judah more than Joseph. With a wicked heart I may have killed my brother by leaving him in a lurch, and like Reuben, though I may speak of conviction, I have no strength to stop, and letting the evil prevails while standing there watching.

And what convicted the heart more is the resemblance of the mercy Joseph undertook when he heard the confession of Judah, to finally after years of evil and contempt, decided to confess and to sacrifice himself. And Joseph revealed his identity, amid the dramatic expression in forms of tears and admonishment.

"You may have intended it for evil, but God intended it for good, and it is for God's sake that I have stood here to rule over Egypt so that the generations of Israel may find solace in the midst of the famine".

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. If I do not spare even my own Son, who in obedience learned about the sufferings of mankind, and once for all paid due the sacrifice for the forgiveness of you all, who shall be against you?"

Perhaps in the cross, when Jesus died for all our sins, we do well to think over the kindness of God and the mercy He has given us. Despite our lack of humility and our continual habitual sin, God comes so close, in a form of human face - to show us an emotion for our reflection.

Therefore, my child, go... and sin... no more...

Reflections of Gospel of John, Hebrews, and Genesis.

[short note]: reading up the crucifixion and the resurrection

Reading 'The Jesus I Never Knew' by Philip Yancey - especially on the chapters of Death: The week into Crucifixion and Resurrection: 6-weeks made my heart twitched and felt humbled by the recent downfall I have constantly set myself down for.

On the many days that I have ventured, I realized how much I have not allowed the reality of the death and His purpose to sink into my heart, despite the dramatic retelling that often allowed me to reduce to tears. What God really wants is not the outward proclamation of self-pity and loud weeping, but the inner articulation of the extent of God's love that no longer binds me to the devil, but the pinning of my sins to His Body as an act of sacrificial love to free us of our sins. In such realization, how could I continually live a life as though Christ's death meant nothing to me? How could I keep on sinning (fornicating thoughts, blithe lying and constantly coveting for what people have), not realizing that every act of sin puts nails on His Body, again and again?

With that in perspective, by knowing that God has died for our sins, have we forget that we are not free from the bondage of sin, and thus should continue to fix our mind towards the reality of the Resurrection, that reminds us that our pain and our agony (though remain memories like scars) are not our trophy towards redemptive purposes? The reason for the change from cowardly hiding to openly declaring by the apostles should remind us that we should no longer live in fear of our identity in Christ, but openly rejoicing, despite our past with memories of sinning, that it is no longer I but Christ who lives in me?

Perhaps such reflection will do well to remind us in our days of youth and continue on till the end of days. Perhaps this is the reason why the prodigal son is welcomed when he decides to come home for good. Perhaps. 

And in Jesus' name we could all find our comfort in, knowing that it feels good coming home. Amen.

Reflections of our faithlessness in pursuing holiness

I wrote something today and felt that it deserves sharing. However because of the handwritten nature i may have to snap them to show to you guys.

I'm sorry if it caused inconvenience. Perhaps it is better to have kept that way, being sentimental on the writings.

[short note]: where do we go from here

Something that captured in my heart today:

"Seeing all that is in the world with so much injustice and things that are irreversible, how do we reconcile our role for Christlikeness in this fallen world? Just thinking about this made my heart sunk so deep that I whimpered throughout the night - feeling hopeless.

Then in that cries I heard a quite whisper, soft as a silk running through the sides of the ear, gently remind me that the mourning of the souls of many kindled in God the desire of heart that attunes way back in the first century, the same emotions that was carried by our Son Himself. Seeing a fallen world crucifying Him, He sought petition from His Father, who eventually became our Father, and cried, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Would we have the strength, even in the midst of helplessness, to let go of our earnestness to try to fix the world first and let God first sink deep into the reality of our lives, so that we look up to the sky, and relished the gifts that God has given us, in different means at different times, to mend the broken souls to seek Him?"

Perhaps we should learn to be strong enough to let go of so much of our 'control' and let God sink first in my heart the brokenness of our own souls. In our brokenness, perhaps we can let the glory of God shine through us the cracks - and let those cracks be the reason why many fallen souls see the glimmer of hope in life.

[narrative/reflection]: in forgetting Him, where will we be?

[narration]:

Stumbling into pieces of literature, worn out from years of flipping - those books remained a cherished collection of memories for him. Had it not for the spring cleaning, he wouldn't have remembered articulating many of those thought provoking chapters that led him to remember life as a form of nourishment. Many of the nights spent reading through them as if they were the source of life for him - to live and to apply in daily living. Really, speaking about spring cleaning...

It has been years since he made an effort to start cleaning up the mess in the residence. Ever since he moved into this brick-and-high-rising apartment, the thought about having his own studio kindled happiness in him. For once, after many years of sharing with a roommate (and at times it could be annoying because there's no privacy during the night - he tried to have a peaceful early sleeping hours while his insensitive roommate tends to come in late at night, start surfing the internet, and occasionally play some urban hips in the background while taking a shower - what an inconsiderate man!), finally those days were gone! Sleeping alone in a rather expansive quarter, with all the literature that he adored and the toys he likened for rock star's regulars - now he had the liberty to pump in whatever he likes and nobody would have given it much thought about whatever stuff that he is playing. Never mind my girlfriend, he thought - after all she loved the music that he liked. Giggling innerly, while painstaking arranging books that showed evidenced of multiple flip-through as years gone, he whistled some familiar tunes that was once banned in the 'friendly' household - cause of the immense difference in taste and musical blends.

And now he looked upon the book that he was holding, and suddenly everything seemed to stop still for a moment. Memories come washing over his mind, and he felt his heart tucked by the gentle whisper of emotional drive. Of those many years of wishful youth lives, how much of those can be said that was pleasantly memorable. Mistakes redefined his footsteps, and regrets taught him to be civil and vigilant. Nothing that matters more than being careful with words and how to fit into the crowd. And those years are marked by peer emulation rather than unique individuality. And somehow, at times he wondered which is the preferred idealism in life. And speaking of idealism...

Where was idealism in whatever he was living upon? What is right and wrong in life has become so blurred in him. Many of the concept of living as one was ideally being called to has become so far from ideal and he has no idea where to begin anymore. For instance, in giving his all for purity in marriage, he tried as best not to succumb to temptation in lust and making an effort to be in regular contact with his accountable partners. But life is not straight forward at times. Pressure in work, temptation subtly leaked through the day-to-day conversation during lunch time with colleagues - those fed into his mind the eventual monster that led him to do some unthinkable stuff. And yet as time goes, conscience gave way to lust and eventually he doesn't know what to believe in anymore. 

Quite a sad revelation especially when he found the book. It reminded him that when he first read the book, so much was being revealed about the way of living, and the many story telling of examples that brought in eerie relevance to whatever he has believed in. Such poignancy 

[reflection]: petition of forgiveness

Yesterday, a colleague crudely made a joke on me, telling me that I should take a break from all the politics in the workplace, and send me a link. He told me too that I could get relief from there.

I actually entertained myself with that website and lingered a bit. To made matters worse, I dropped a message indicated I am interested.

The whole night, though - my contact with my girlfriend was cut off and thus I was able to linger in this. 

However, as the night went on, from lustrous thoughts that pleasure the physical needs - to the lingering guilty trip in my heart that tucked from the Holy Spirit, I struggled (and eventually realized) that my indulgence in giving into my temptation caused me to lead to thus. 

This morning, as I woke up, a vision of extrapolating the thought of what would happen if had I really gave in. Many thoughts came into me - but one particular thought hits me hard. God, manifested in His glory, revealed to me that His gift for me, in a form of a person whom he revealed to be my current girlfriend - has become defiled by my actions. Saddened, yes - but a provocation came there after: that my son will defile the family's name in the same footstep, and defame me by sleeping around.

Stories of the descendants of King David come to me during my morning devotion today, and I really felt heart broken. In quick revelation, I flipped through the pages in the Bible to find Psalms 51 in my ESV (Below text from BibleGateway.com)

Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

51 Have mercy on me,^[a] O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
     blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
⁶ Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
     wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
     let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
     build up the walls of Jerusalem;
¹⁹ then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

------------------------------------------------

I sent a few messages to my accountable brothers in church, and seeking their prayers for forgiveness together with me, and continue to pray for protection against the temptation. To be honest, this area of my life is one that is in constant struggles, and it would be a tremendous test for me. Pray that I will be strengthened to make decision AGAINST lust, step by step - in faithfulness for Christ, who has freed me from the bondage of sin since the death of the cross - so that I don't have to live in bondage of my indulgence but making a choice to put on the new cloak of self-control.

[music related]: rascal flatts - bless the broken road

A long-forgotten friend recently dropped me a message to ask if I want to play as a musician for their wedding. Immediate thought goes to 4 years ago, where I had a performance with my dear singer singing 'Desperado' by The Eagles and 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson. It was a pleasant surprise, because I do want to hone back my musical exposure. I was thinking about doing it in pubs but now that this is a good opportunity to slowly gel into the music scene. 

The wedding is on 13 October, and we have decided to do 5 set-piece. The last song that we have thought about though is by Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road. It is a meaningful song, and I wondered if you guys think this is a good song for a wedding.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU

Let me know what you think of the song. Comments are definitely welcome. :)

[reflection]: through the looking glass revisited

Having realized that for the past few months I have been cruising on an emergency flight plan in my work place, I felt little chances for contemplation (which is my usual routine in life, and I managed to find it even in my previous work place despite the hefty commitment they required of us the engineers). Perhaps because of such little space for self-reflection, I realized how far off I have become to being a better person and for once: I longed for time in solitude, just thinking about how life is. Honestly the pace in my work place has given little time to self, and I suspect that unless something deliberate is done on my end this pace will become faster and not withholding any catastrophic syndrome that might damage me in the long run. The recent episode of admitting myself in the emergency ward due to near-cardiac arrest may have indicated something that has gone seriously wrong.

Such observation should never be ignored and always should be treated with equal dignity. In our current generation where connectivity has become such a norm (imagine that instant connectivity with someone in San Francisco back here in Singapore to discuss about online music school intake) – we tend to forget the meaning of spending qualitative time that transcends mere connectivity and discussing agendas. I observed too that my sense of community has become so blur that mere connection with people doesn’t seem to nourish my wellbeing, to be frank. I have yet to share with regular friends, but deep within my soul I felt incomplete in the state of where I am today, with so many insecurities towards the pace, the life, and the friends I have but yet to rekindle. I didn’t feel comfortable being in where I am today, and I have to (at many random occasions) deliberately slow down my pace in order to get things fixed. Yet due to lethargy I succumb to sleep. Strange but true.

Recent disposition towards instant gratification (reading random movie articles to anticipate what movie to watch, watching meaningless shows to amuse myself, and also the humiliating fact that I am still struggling to discard my temptation towards watching pornography online) has made such attempt to fruitfully reconnect with people remarkably difficult. Learning to pace myself such that there’s room for contemplation and meditation proved difficult because of my inclination towards getting things fast and wanted instant gratification for the success of work at the end of the day. When I started to notice the different way I look at things recently the first person I talked to was actually my good buddy back in Thailand. He could identify a few things in my concern. However, no matter how much he could advise it boils down to the perspective of life that I may have embraced on recent notes that has begun to go wrong.

By God’s grace, I have been given better work load in recent note, and just mainly helping my other colleagues with the problem faced. It also reminded me to take note of my own schedule, my time and my other commitment. I have learned through time the importance of sticking to what matters more – especially now that after I have slowed down in life after the cardiac arrest and the work load has significantly followed suit too. Perhaps when there’s difficulties in life, we start to think about things larger than where we all have been – fulfiling immediate productive duties that serve our purpose as tools in the world today.

In deliberate actions to slow down the pace, I have noted how much I have missed in life, and forgetting how much many other things matter in life. In retrospect, I realized how difficult it has been for my friends to keep in constant keel with me – trying to understand me where I have been and keeping themselves posted. One very random note from a friend getting married by end of this year actually hinted that my hometown friends were actually wanting to meet up with me, having heard things about me that defy the existing person they used to know (a musician growing to be better looking and more kempt, a gentleman who is now attached and moving on to a new life, so on). This actually surprised me when I first read it. I remembered seeing myself as a dirty ugly moron who has lost his sensibility to live righteous and feed on wasteful resources to survive each day. Like a fat obese guy eating junks sitting on his couch never moving forward, I see myself so much like this that I often forced myself to move out to see the world differently as how I usually see myself – just to get myself fresh air and a new way of living.

It was very refreshing, to be honest, to see and realized that even in those friendship I have cumulated difficult and unpleasant memories – that they are still keen to see me and be surprising themselves with how I have been. How naïve I have been.

I tend to be secluded and isolated most of the time actually. As much as I tried, I don’t like the fact of sitting down and mingling. Somehow there’s a sense that life seems wasted by ‘indulging in seemingly meaningless communication about random things’. I sometimes dread conversation because of the frequent need to be very mindful about what to say at the time conversation is held. For example, I tried to look nice and gentleman whenever I am in talks with my university friends, hoping that they will see as someone mature and well-kempt. Sometimes, in those moments of conversation I had a sense that the dialogue flow became very artificial.

Yet whenever I avoid conversation, come back home (especially during the days of my singlehood), despite ‘productive’ edges on trying to finish work and stuff, I always felt left out and disappointed by the fact that I spend most of the time looking at work related stuff. Sometimes even commitment to practice music alone becomes so mundane that I waste myself by reading trashes. I shall not be more explicit because I think it should be rather clear enough. Nevertheless the intention was really quite demeaning.

As I grow into maturity in life, I start to realize the importance of communication, no matter how random it might be. We are not machines living by the law of productivity and assuming ethics to be running along the veins of conversations. Sometimes, in randomness it could be a source of encouragement and disappointment (that could run either way from a sentence to the other), but it doesn’t have to be employed in force. This would not make things work well. Of course, there are people who are paid to be a professional in engaging those conversation (counselor or psychiatrist to name a few professions) – but we are not expected to put a purpose in those. Friendship, if made to measure by the productivity of ‘happiness’ or ‘pleasure’, will never scale up to the ideal as expected. Sometimes there will be up and down in life – and that includes friendships. This is a hard lesson that I have to learn along the way.

Strangely though, I have learned this through in a relationship with my girlfriend. I think it takes a lot of grace on her side to be able to embrace me as who I am and still loving me all the way. I realized how much love she has invested in order to love me the way I am. There are many moments I realize I need to humble myself in order to see her world. For example she hoped that I spend time to come to her church with her family, but I kept thinking that it is a primary duty of her to come to mine instead. Though she was rather accomodative by the fact that I am still learning to get out of my comfort zone (by getting to know her friends). I felt that conversation left spontaneous is definitely with good benefit for the health of the communication part of the relationship.

Bringing it back into the context of my friendships, it is definitely imperative to constantly remind myself of the importance of a fruitful relationship, but it doesn’t need to take productivity as a measure of fruitfulness. In fact it might be that the lesser it takes on the scale of productivity (in this context, it could be more related to ‘benefiting from this relationship on my own psychological health, etc), the better the fruitfulness might be. Perhaps, from then we would see less of our own benefit, and start seeing other people as more important than us. This might be a good start to learn to be relational.

I am taking some effort to maintain close relationship with people who have been in constant contact with me. Although it is difficult for me to start a close friendship with people in church for now, but I think it is good to start things slowly. Hope that you guys can suggest more if there’s anything that can also help to grow the relational character in me. And at the end, perhaps this would be the best opportunity to start being a witness for Christ, who has died for us all (while we were yet sinners).

[short note]: reflection of a grace from John 8

A reflection of grace given at the cost of repentance. 
But in repentance, the conscious guilt pulls us to realize how much the meaning of grace surface to us:

"8 ¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ²  Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]]"

A compelling story that reminds us on the infinite mercy that God has for us, and the admonishment that no matter how dark and deep your sin may be - God has already freed that guilt from you, so that you can start again afresh and walk towards Christ-likeness.

[prayer request]: day 160712

Prayer:

1) I have been thinking very hard about my spiritual health, and it is not in a very healthy state. I have understood the meaning of besetting sins, and I kept wandering around them without the willpower to stop myself being indulging in them. So unless in that nick of time I could see the severity of how deep the graveness of sins bringing me towards, I will easily be tempted to follow suit. So pray that as I learn to pick up the pieces along with my mentor and my cell group leader, pray that I can also start revealing the heart my insecurities that allowed me to indulge in senseless desire. 

2) Work has been slightly kind, and I thank God for the mercy and grace of the people around me despite my health concerns. Recent cardiac arrest also slowed the pace of my management, and they have been less demanding. Though I have reservations, I know that eventually I don't serve just the humans because of their superiority. I serve because God first showed His examples on us, and to take up the cross daily and remembered that I don't live for myself anymore - but for Him who has first saved us. So the welfare of the company would also have to be taken into consideration and I should learn to live in accountability with people who are judging my performance.

3) Relationship is not all highs and lows, but at times it could get a bit difficult. She has been encouraging me to do Bible study together, but I know my temptation to like to physically touch her and leading her to somewhere wrong. I mentioned this to my mentor and my cell group, and they have forewarned me about not leaving the door locked. However, I know that such advices may not mean well and much and my inner strength is weaker. So I need to learn to meet lesser, yet be more focus in sharing. My own strength to resist is weak, and I need to talk it out to a fellow sister to encourage accountability for her, but we have to find time. I pray that the time that I would get to spend with my girlfriend this Friday would be something related to be able to talk about these, keeping boundaries yet still showering the love for each other.

4) I thought about the purpose I have in Christ, and yet in searching for an identity I don't seem to understand beyond the gift in music. It seemed awkward in my current position as I don't see any opportunity knocking on for a change. However, if my current job is being positioned by the calling of Christ, then I pray that God can reveal Himself more so as to know if this is the vocation that He has given for me. As of now, I felt that I am going along with the flow for too long that I don't know how to handle my own self at times. Pray that God will reveal in my heart His desire, so that I could live for God the way He wanted. Now it seems like I am living the way I think God might want, but I am not too sure if that's the right way of thinking. 

Pray that I am humbled as prayers be cultivated as well. Pray that a group of accountable people can help to sit in together and keep encouraging one another to live for Christ. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

[short note]: looking through the glass

Thought that maybe I wanted to share this briefly.

Was thinking about joining sound ministry for churches as part my calling.
Been thinking hard, but somehow I am stiffled by financial burden.
As of now I am still struggling to pay off my rents and my loans. And I am now currently attached, so entertainment fee might be an issue.

These are practical issues, but there's more underlying struggles that I have.
Though in here, right now, it is hard for me to put things in clearer perspective for you guys to read, I believe that first step is a good start.

Hope to hear more from you guys as time goes.

(on mobile): cry and hope

Crying out in anguish, not understanding how I end up being broken and fallen from grace.
Then a spurn of thought brought me down, struggling to understand why our Father still loves us despite our brokenness.
And in a still moment I remembered how a song that depicts the vengeful post-breakup of a victimized soul, written by Trent Reznor - in turn sung redemptively by a old weary man yet still holding on to the Grace of God by Johnny Cash to remind people of the redemption that God promises in the song 'Hurt'.
Then in little way I understood that these temptations were allowed by God to mean us well, that struggles draw us close to God, remembering that God has overcome the world, even through unlikely circumstances. That's redemption and that's Grace.
I cry for help because only through the cry I understood the need for Grace to wash away the pain I seared to myself, and let God once again wash me white as snow.
Glory to God. In Jesus'name we pray. Amen.

[poem]: night is darkest just before the dawn

when darkest looms, and pains arose,
we human tend to shirk by and large,
forgetting our values, our principles,
self-survival of our utmost concerns.

sad on hindsight that we have diminished,
when this could be the best to show the meaning of living,
community upbringing, and showering love,
even when one odds out from all.

however, night is darkest just before the dawn,
a glimmer of hope in the midst of all,
when one uphold the meaning of forgiveness to all,
and decides that all should come to each of their own. 

when all shirk of their role of living, and one stood out,
by loving them despite of their infidelity and failures,
though despise and rejection may come, the light shown through,
like a blossoming daisy in the midst of dried, horrid trunk.

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Father, despite my tendency to return eye for an eye, I pray that in your love that you have bestowed upon me despite my failures and weaknesses, may I draw the strength to live and love those who I hate and resent. That forgiveness comes not from me, but first from the cross that Your Son has demonstrated for us. Father, have mercy onto my soul.

In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

[reflection]: to let go. of presumptions and supplications. and to start over.

[Disclaimer]: This is a random thought written, probably, to clear my thoughts. At times, there are very large discrepancies in terms of thought analysis. Please do not read them as they are. Try to understand the context behind, and it will help you understand what's the eventual outcome and what it takes to get there. Pardon the grammar and the sentence structure. The randomness is not something easy to read as well. 

During my recent stay in a general hospital (of which I used to be the student of the respective school nearby), I remembered the vividness of seeing things around me, and how they respond to one another when it comes to life emergencies. To put into some perspective of what I am talking about – I was warded in the emergency ward on the evening where I suddenly experience near-syncope. Yes, a heart failure. 

The exact scenario isn't very much a pleasant one to elaborate. I was in a train station, making my way back to Malaysia from my home in Singapore, and I was rather tired due to late night before. Waking up early is my usual habit - but compounded with late night it hurts a lot for me. Plus the fact that I have been very much concerned with work ethics, and where my management intends to bring me towards, it has given me some repercussions. On top of that, I am still struggling to balance my work life and my personal life, let alone having a girlfriend. Things were rather difficult to handle to be honest. 

I have learnt, in life, that it is usually a luxury that everything can come in methodological order. Usually, it's either a burst all at once, or that you could have seasons of 'nothingness' in life. I guess in my lifestyle, I am more attracted to burst-ly life. Henceforth on that day, when I was already lacking in sleep, I was handling work on several sites within a Saturday, and the obligation to go back to Malaysia caused my heart to probably finally gave her piece of mind: "Stop!".

To write this blog, to me, is personally difficult in many ways. In one way or another, I have to concede that this is a good wake up call for me. A call to remind myself that I am no superman, and that I cannot handle everything on my own, despite my eagerness to climb up the ladder. And this ladder - it is another presumptuous thoughts I believe. All along I thought I am doing what I have been liking in my life, and now even though I am being given the charge to handle the area that I like, I hate to admit this - I am being thrown into the troughs of political runs that decide me to be the overall leader of many other teams. I am not ready for management role, to be sure, but the idea is not so much of being the managerial role, but the fact that I moved along with ill-advised strategies. The heart failure probably prompts me to think further on this matter. 

I reflected as much as I could during my stay back in Singapore resting in my room, but the mood gets hazy. I saw my laptop, and immediately I distracted myself from the difficult thoughts. I started to lose much of the focus, and decide - like a plaster-patch, to put off the pain by thinking of something nice: playing guitar, writing music, getting away from the pain for a while, thinking that when I come back, the hazy feeling will go off, and I can start to concentrate on what I want to do in life better. 

Yet, I kept pondering about it, and I felt that I haven't gotten anywhere. Is my calling in life to be related in sound/music ministry? I tried not to think too much into the idealistic endeavors and just concentrate on how to treat my parents better and give a better assurance to my future. Especially now that I have a girlfriend, and I need to start not thinking about myself. And yes - didn't I know that I should always do to others what I want others do to me?

And what is it exactly that I want others to do to me? To date, I am still unsure of what I want to do. And that bothers me. My girlfriend has it spot-on when she said that she could tell that I am all over the place. I wasn't concentrating because I don't even know what I want to concentrate in the end. I want a career in music ministry, but I don't know what to do in order to get there. I want a career in sound ministry, but I don't know who are the contacts for me to enhance my sound experience. I want to live a good life, but I don't know how to give myself a good life. I have so much theoretical sounding direction, that I could just elaborate to whoever that is interested - that I am keen to do this and that in order to get there - but they are all empty words. Nothing sound and concrete. I might change my mind the next time I come around. I have no principles, and I followed the wind wherever it goes.

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It is strange that after saying those things, somehow there's a sense of clarity. You finally realized that you never get anywhere, and yet you have so much gift given to you. And as I realized that I found out that the way out is to first scrap off whatever kind of assumption that I can have many options - and decide to start with one and only. And I thought about it hard enough to think that perhaps it might be good to begin with just looking into life's basics. Work matters, life matters and relationship matters. 

A drink of hot chocolate probably brought me to this point of trying to understand myself further. Do I want to give the best of myself first or to give the best of the people that matters to me the most? Would it turn out to be selfish to concentrate on my own betterment for now, rather than giving in time to make sure the people around me gets the best of what they should have? Then it occurs to me that my thought process may not be accurate - how would I know what's best for others if I don't spend time with the others? But then, in that case, would it help if I spend so much time understand them without understanding myself? I got confused somehow.

Hmm. Maybe it is because I have not really learned to love the people around me as myself as much before. In the past, I have learned, albeit the slow-pace manner, to love myself despite all the hurt inflicted in me for years. I begin to realize how much worth I have that is given from God. My listening skill in music and sound appreciation is beyond what I expect myself to be. I don't call my gift Godlike - but I know those gift acquired couldn't be something that I develop on my own, though I do take time to practice. But the time I used to practice will not be able to justify the sharpness and the attentiveness I have towards those subjects. I have close sense on some music notation, the development of a phrase within chorus, the strong refrain that suddenly dip into the bridge to denote an anti-climax - and all these translated in sound appreciation. I know what kind of tools to use to bring out the panning of sound to make the hall sounds fuller, I know how to reduce the impact of reverberation by adding equalization and delays of speakers' response; I know how to configure a certain program and make sound processes work the way it is supposed to be, etc. However, knowing that I have such gifts means nothing if they are never put to practice how to serve the people well. 

And speaking on how to serve people well. Given that I have the expertise - what is the use of having these when my management kept putting me on half-witted effort with the exuberant amount of clients that I need to serve. And the exaggerated level of commitment I am supposed to give to various clients. Now with my role to be just a commissioner, I expect people to know everything while I monitor them. I was just thinking of myself being a junior engineer, and here my management wants me to make sure the team (which mostly include my senior engineers) do the work the management wants them to do. In short, I become an informant rather than a sound engineer.

I got lost. Then with all the commitment I put in work, I found myself difficult to revert back and look for old friends. They seem so far away, as I have spent so much time in work that I have forgotten that I used to have a life out there with friends, with church members, with God. I almost lost them. I thought about my friends back in my university days who kept me in the loop for prayer, and I remembered how fond those memories were. Even though we were just discussing about things, randomly, and we weren't even doing something great for God, those times remind us of our humility and our brokenness. We appreciate who we are and the friends around us. We loved each other and stayed true to each other no matter what happened. 

Gosh, why have I become so competitive that I sounds like a failed experiment?

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It is particularly sad that it took a heart failure to wake me up into this level of realization. Yet, I have a better sense of understanding myself. This writing is a good start, and I hoping that good souls could read this, and if God's willing, he/she could share what's on his/her mind. I have to admit, the writings sound so much like rambling that it might be difficult to be objective enough. However, perhaps it is at this stage of awkward yet immediate rambling that I want to present to close acquaintance so that he/she could see the real me - the confused yet wanted to find a way out of where he is.

I pray that God will use you to tell me, even if those advises that you give will sound extremely difficult for me to take in. It is better that you speak with a heart of God, than to cushion words of comfort that actually hide the fury of hell. 

on mobile@xanga: living among the broken lives

We never understood the meaning of walking in a tight rope between life and death, until we bring ourselves to the literal end of the lifeline.

As I'm hospitalized for the past 2 days, I often wondered about mortality, because I see around me the people who are trying to survive each day as it passes. I'm humbled to be the only one who is curing and getting better while for the rest of those along the ward are still in dire state of unknown, not knowing if they would survive. Perhaps, we should remember that God gives and takes our lives in accordance to His will. Blessed be the name of God.

[short post]: in good and in bad times

In good times, we see even in the darkest mire,
A potential twilight dispersing the scoured moor,
Reminding us that in bright day, 
The moor looks like a beautiful clay pool.

I see the light, easily before me in good times,
How much these hard lessons taught me,
That all hard knocks were meant to strengthen my soul,
Of which hard muscles toned the soul.

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Yet in hard times, reminded as I was,
Of the trauma and the turmoil of the soul,
The disappointment sprouted due to the inefficacy of hard labor,
And so of to wretched path I went on.

The temptation, too great to bear, yet so miserable there after,
That I couldn't bear to live the shame the next day again,
Sorrowful begets me, and repentance is closer then to me,
To seek forgiveness, who else can I reach to?

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In Jesus I found mercy,
Freely given, on the house,
Yet was I not aware,
That the infinite expense of grace... cost His life dearly.

We dare not put mildly the love of Christ,
For His death brought to us new lives in Yahweh,
Yet all the glory and honor took in the form of a shame,
Of the worst that could even be blamed.

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Remember the cost of the sacrifice He laid,
And there hence live as if it is worth the pain,
Even though at times trod-ding path seems inevitable,
But the pain He suffers - it is worth more to live on.

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In good and in bad times. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. 

[short note]: In Christ Alone

To remind myself, that in the midst of many trials (be it self-inflicted due to negligence or circumstantial crisis) that God is with us. We may make mistakes, and it can be quite disheartening, but blessed is those who seek the face of Christ in the midst of one's failure to seek His forgiveness and grace.

In Christ Alone lyrics

By: Stuart Townsend, Keith Getty

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone! who took on flesh Fulness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness Scorned by the ones he came to save: Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied - For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay Light of the world by darkness slain: Then bursting forth in glorious Day Up from the grave he rose again! And as He stands in victory Sin's curse has lost its grip on me, For I am His and He is mine - Bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

 

[short post]: reproach and remembrance of Him

In short reproach I beseech myself,
The empathy that sours to apathy,
In life everlasting I forbade myself to receive,
The turn of suffering suddenly comes easily.

I prayed to God with unequivocal confession,
That I may be forgiven a bigger sin than this,
And the Lord forgiven me, with all the blood and toils,
Not in part, but the whole; renewing me in sparkling white.

I confessed, I have made mistakes,
Therefore I subjected myself to felony and agony,
But God from High, in mercy of Jesus Christ,
Took the burden and withdraw the bond I enslaved.

Hence forth my friends, learn in Christ,
Remember His death, His mercy and His obedience,
To live is Christ, to die is gain,
That everlasting communion with King is our gain.

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I have almost forgotten how it is to commune with friends and brothers in Christ, and I felt quite jaded these past few days being in constant move without a sense of direction. Work has taken a toll on me, and I lost my control over what's wrong and right. A recent breakdown in work, and a mismanaged relationship has caused me to lose sight of what God has for me.

Pray that we have an awakening sense of shame that requires God to cleanse and renew us each day. Pray that our pride of self-righteousness will break down in pieces and humiliate us to look to Christ. Pray that when we turn to Christ our ability to see things surface beyond measures. And finally, let our eyes fix upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who in obedience followed the will of God - even till the death of the cross - so that we might live in Christ, and not die in vain.

In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

[reflection]: About My Country, and My Faith

I have written a post in Facebook, defying a lot of authoritative concerns about the anti-government sentiments which my parents forewarned me (they monitored my Facebook and tell me not to post several things, including my relationship status). In this case, I felt that as a Malaysian and also a Christian, I found the recent occurrence in Malaysia something difficult to articulate. So I raised my post - to find like-minded people responding to the event. It may seem lengthy though, but I thought it deserves repeating:

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"A question for those who share my faith - looking at this event, and understanding the standpoint of the peace rally much akin to Berlin 90s and African American in South US rally in late 80s, how would you respond to Bersih 3.0, and putting your faith in responding to the event?

Especially those who were bred and buttered in Malaysia, how would you put your faith as a basis in responding to Bersih 3.0, albeit the sentiments of unprecedented unfairness you might face on individual accounts?

I kept myself silent long enough to not react rashly towards such politics, but between the line of restrained trust in eventual justice and almost berserk-like hurls of pro-activism, the balancing act proved a lot more draining, especially when I personally faced injustice upfront.

If articulation and constant dependency of believing that 'Thy kingdom comes' (just like the national anthem of Malaysia - 'Tuhan kurnia-kan') lives among us, perhaps we better learn that whatever that is at stake - justice and fairness in governance - God watches us all. And perhaps, there might be hope in believing, like Martin Luther King - "I have a dream... that we are free at last!" - that this peace rally is a wake-up call for all of us, remembering that we don't live each day just to get by.

You may not agree, and you might even reject. Whatever it may be, I'll be honest - I struggle with this too.

Something to think about... not only for us, but for our generation's to come. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyYUMoacPog&feature=share"

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Upon sharing I felt quite liberated, yet disturbed. As young, I have taken some interest in reading stories about the Berlin wall fall and the peace rally in South US (Texas) when Martin Luther King showed the world the cruelty of immoral and corrupt governance. Mom always warned me not to be engrossed in such readings (though she secretly read these details with equal interest. In the later part of the year we sit side-by-side as pro-reformalist), but I realized as days gone by, truly as Christians we must address the issue of social injustice here on earth, even though our citizenship eventually will be in Heaven with Christ. 

C. S. Lewis wrote something before about the Christians contributing on earth even though they blatantly refuse allegiance to any earthly force and authority. Defying all odds, hospitals and hospices were built because Christians believed in human dignity and human suffering as a means of ministry for those to be departed and to be healed. And the monumental act of justice, in the form of mercy and grace showered through various nations because of the belief of a small group of Christians congregating together to pray for the souls of the lost. In those prayers, God poured our His spirit in the hearts of man the reality of human injustice and practical means against them. 

Reading the peace rally conducted by this amazing lady Ambiga Sreenevasan, I started to learn a little bit about her past and her contribution to society. If it rings any bell to my US friends, she received International Woman of Courage Award in 2009, handed to her by US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. And for the benefit of my Christian friends, she fought hard for a case for a Muslim convert to Christian back in 2007 (the outcome was a granted apostasy of Lina Joy being a Muslim). For your information, in Malaysia, Muslim is an automated religion subscribed for ethnic Malays. So should anyone convert from Muslim to Christianity, the moral and religious backlash and discrimination was evidently prevalent - especially for ethnic Malay. This is one of the grey area that made Ms. Ambiga fought hard for religious equality. Though personally I struggled to embrace religious equality, I do believe the image of Copts Christians in Egypt protecting their Muslim counterparts while praying on a Friday afternoon in 2010 speaks of our commission given by Christ Himself - love your neighbor as yourself. It was Christ who first demonstrated the Love of God in the form of a human, and to touch the lives of millions of people searching for a meaning in life. 

This is the video of Ms. Ambiga who told of the post-Bersih 3.0 and her articulation of what has happened. Something to think about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi6sFm-RYxg

We lived in a world ruled by so many injustice and unfairness. We humans failed to live upright with accountable stewardship and transparent governance to our younger generation. Due to the innate character mischievously cultivated by the princes of the world (devils and the evil ones), we let the best of our sinful nature decides - and eventually lead down the path of unrighteousness. And true enough - even on a peace rally akin to Bersih 3.0 (just type Bersih 3.0 in youtube for you to understand what's going on), you can't deny the portrayal of human weakness and our sinful nature. Not all the motivation that led to the rally were noble and moral. But yet - when I think of myself being a Christian - and still dabbles in pornography and my personal distaste towards my sinful lifestyle, I felt ashamed thinking how much the sinful nature obstructs God's vision for us as Christians - spread the Gospel till the end of the world, and reach out for the lost. 

Would you, therefore, spend a moment in silence and in prayer for the reflection of the state of social justice in the world wherever you are at, and give some time to let God speak to you, of what He will impart of you?