[reflection]: as time goes...

I have written quite a fair bit about my political affiliation of recent notes, mainly because of whatever the endeavors that I have experienced since young has shaped my worldview and how I migrated those views now that I am in a country that is not of my birth place. Though as time goes I have grown to love this country where I am staying more and more, I still feel a little sense of nostalgia towards the struggles that I have endured since young.

My participation in Facebook posts have been rather frequent and even on the recent note seems to indicate a diversion from my usual self-banishing attitude towards a rather violent bashing on the present government and the corruption that laid his hands on the present government in Malaysia. For those that have been reading up news online - I am pretty sure whatever I say makes a lot of sense, taking those things in context.

I am very worried, however, about my state of mind when I tend towards that, because the self-righteousness of myself really will get into the way of mine. To be honest, because of the oscillating emotions that rise and fall from my end, I tend to think a little too much - and my mind has not been able to take it well. Currently, I have forgotten much of the priorities and the commitment between myself and my girlfriend that she is a little upset about my overtly involvement in work and in my point of view about politics.

One article refreshed my mind and pulled me down to my knees. Probably because of my understanding of the context behind the story I have a rather emotional experience reading the chapter. From Philip Yancey's most acclaimed literature of our time, 'What's so amazing about grace?' probably wrote a lot about politics and how we should respond as a Christian with much poignancy that holds dear in my heart more than any other books. Probably because I have a soft spot for his writings, I tend to give a lot of credit to some of his personal experience and writings as well. The one chapter that brought me down to my knees would be 'A Home for Bastards: A Story', written in Chapter 11. I would like to put up the entire story in its entirety - but for copyright purposes, I decide that it would be good to leave it at that. 

Nevertheless, the whole experience of reading reminds me of looking onto the higher ground, that whether the opposition would really topple the government and claim their corruption and racism as the root of evils, and that our country will have to start from bottom up again - that remains to be seen. But one good realization from the opposition side: the present government wins not just because of the dirty tricks they ploy onto (blackouts, additional votes boxes, foreigners who were issued citizenship IC and discard them when voting is over, etc...) but also because of their exposure towards the rural area and the ability to trick them by bribing them with money to support them. Opposition now knows that the Malaysia belongs not only to all the ethnics in Malaysia, but also for rich and poor, young and old. True, because of the reality of what the present government can do - many have risen up against the odds of losing to the government - yet the poor were remained as the lost souls. They are not that well equipped with internet services to see all the latest alternate news about what the present government is capable of. They could only see through the mainstream media, of which has been manipulated due to media propaganda act. Worst still, ministers like to go their to boost their ego as they are accepted as good ministers. 

In either way, either still believing that the present government will repent; or that the opposition coalition will be able to topple the government - I genuinely struggled with my identity as Christian to address to this issue. Daily, with the imminent struggles I will face at work (with my management continually pushing my ethical judgment to grey areas), I could not live up with the fact that I have lived a complicated life not knowing how much of these matters to me. And just when I thought that next year I will be planning on the marriage - my present work has prompted me to rethink and consider full-time ministry as an option to serve God - and yet my mind couldn't make sense of all the different walks in my life that has bugged me.

Perhaps I am in the state of confusion too as I write, but writing out my confusion is better than keeping it down and letting it simmer. Otherwise, as time goes, I am genuinely concerned on my mental health. Already I have not been able to have good healthy head every day: I struggle with migraines each day.

Would this be a sign of a break to take? I have planned my July as my retreat month, and to reconsider my career re-alignment. Is this then the right time?

My Lord, in my confusion, take them. Thank you for ministering and listening to me. God, now teach me to listen to you, in whatever what that you would.
In Jesus' name I pray: Amen.

[statement]: what's our stand on social justice?

I am a foreigner, sojourning in a foreign country that I have idealised since young, hoping to not only find freedom, but also free will respected and given space for pursuit of dreams. In the pursuit of dream, I have found much about self and what I am defined by. Yet even in that journey, I have discovered much about the self-centred pursuit that left me hanging by the thread of self-righteousness that, in turn, is a mediocre piece of amateur art, of which indies claimed to be a 'great' art that has little value in wider exposure.

In that pursuit, I found myself misunderstanding the great ideals that forefathers of faith and justice have strongly endowed, and even to the point of risking their lives in fighting for the ideals. When young, I felt ashamed for these ideals because of the sacrifice of their lives given to believe in 'A Better Tomorrow'. Even in the teaching of my faith, reading on the fact that I must lose this life in order to gain an eternal life sounds too detached from the worldly philosophy, 'Seek thy will above all, ye brethens of the 21st century. Let not the benefit of ideals prostrated you to lose. With all mights, hold onto your life, even in the face of adversities against these ideals, for you will not have a safe and comfortable journey'. 

Yet, at the back of my head each night as I sleep, I wonder if life is worth living just because I live. Somehow, the perspective that I matters more than the rest of the people in the world seems so ridiculous. It was a painful ordeal each day to think as well - especially when you thought that you are the most important person in your company (of which you think you own the company), only to find out that there are better people outside in the same industry that proved your worth is no more than a fly's honor. 

That's pretty saddening, and it took events like this to slowly mold me to learn the simple meaning of 'Letting Go'. 

In such instances, I was deeply reminded by the forefathers of my faith, who in the name of social justice, fought for the rights of equality of humanity across races and nationality, and deeply reminded of the justice to serve those who violates. Ironically, I used to step on the sides of morally questionable decisions - and realising to my horror the deep embedded resentments these victims have towards the decisions made, just because I want to get rid of them as liable commodities. 

The recent hypes in Malaysia Election on 5th May perhaps may have abound to this sentiments I have, and perhaps, for the first time, I decide, that enough corruption and enough selfish pursuit of comfortability. This may have been the right time to start all over again, as a common citizen, living on equal ground of rights as the rest of the people, without forcing pursuit of happiness and ideals, and live as commoners with the rest for the sake of harmony.

This is a statement of a child of a politician in my home country, of which I have thrown all the benefits to become an online activist. Signing out. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Created from a fictional character in my head for a few weeks, in reflecting about a third-person-role of a son of a fame politician back in my country. This dream has been with me for a while, and therefore I thought about writing it down as a form of self-expression.)

In addition, I have written an article about what I believe in Facebook page. 
I am not sure if you are able to read my profile, so I hereby attach the link:

https://www.facebook.com/ren.kang.1?ref=tn_tnmn

You can add me in Facebook too if you wish so. God blesses you and thanks for reading.

[reflection]: what is life without a fight?

It is in such moments, when conversations that touch beyond mere formality - breaking norms and provoking paradigms, that give rooms to character development. And I now believe (albeit a bit late) that conversations make huge differences, whenever it may be by God's grace.

I had a rather uneasy re-initiation of my counselling session back with my counsellor (officially because the previous meeting we had recently was just an update of what I have been doing for the past year). To be frank, in allowing myself to be revealed once more in that deep seated setting, with all my insecurities let down naked for someone to see can be quite dissonant. However, after 4 years of knowing him, I somehow had a better grasp of the character of my counsellor and therefore felt that even through the stark nakedness, something beautiful can be made out of that obscenity.

A lot has been talked about in the session, and much secrets were also revealed in the course of the reflection. They are rather intimate and personal, and I will leave it in the future to address them in the form of adaptation (a veiled confession that is more refined with dramatic embellishment). However, the main intention is to take home the lesson learned at each point of the journey, akin to lamp-post that is built together with Elijah, or someone influential along the way - to eventually arrive Home, a place where I could meet the Master and say, "Thank You for Your mercy to allow me to live to see You."

Along the conversation, I kept toying around the idea of 'lamp post', ironically when the setting in the counselling session reminds me of 18th century study room. When you have dim warm light lamp lighted up around the corners, and you see books around no difference from those that are of higher education, I was prompted immediately to discuss life as a spiritual enlightenment, like 'having lamp post along the way'. And that impromptu analogy stuck in my mind for a while, which I think deserve a write up.

I reflected upon my life and found that moments in the past, whenever I have reflections upon deep insights after talking with godly people (my counsellor being the main person contributes, though many other spiritual saints walked me through from time to time) - I would build a lamp post along the path, letting light reflecting the harsh road around the lamp post. Sometimes the reflection of the lights revealed more that is required, like a huge stone, or a grave-looking gutters of which you found the source of the foul smells. In parallel living, these people revealed a lot of the deeper roots of evil that is either around you that you may not have noticed has it not their enlightenment, or you may have detected foul play in your daily walk in life, only to find out that the unwanted character that you exhibit originated from a certain event triggered that is suppressed in the heart too long not to have been revealed. 

In the journey of walking in faith, these lamp post proved to be life-savers at time, for which though you may see the rockiness of life, you at least appreciate the fact that you are leading up to somewhere. Builders do not remain alone, therefore there are always people along side to move you along to guide you through, just like building a lamp post, it always lead you somewhere. More importantly, when there's new chapters in life, there are always signpost that gives you direction of whom you can continue partnering with.

The catch here though, is when the signpost points you to somewhere that, like two roads diverging - you have to choose based on the judgment. And whatever that comes out from that judgment determines the kind of life you will have. 

For the past year, I have chosen a path that gradually lead me into darkness. When you start to lack the resource, like a builder lacking, you decide to stretch your limit of distance of lighting coverage. As you go further, you gradually were blinded by the darkness, especially when the condition of the road that you are travelling no longer seems as rocky as how it seemed when you first see. This is the path of descent that I have talked with my counsellor at length, and it took considerable level of mystical visions to put me in a jam-brake, and tell myself that enough is enough. I need to turn back.

I now realized that the slippery slope of the darkness is not the lack of light shining onto the rocky path, rather it is the gradual comfort one feels when he/she sees lesser rocky path along the way. Subsequently the path seems smoother according to the traveller and it deemed as a good journey. Sometimes the darkness allowed a imitation of identity, because you can cloak yourself in darkness, thus hiding your true self while posing yourself hypocritically to people just to appease to people's heart. I guess one very important step of understanding the darkness is that dark doesn't allow reflection, while light reflects and reveal. 

When we were ending the discussion, my counsellor did make a comment about the lifelong journey towards recovery that I initiated. Somehow, the inner thought of mine revealed his role in my life akin to a service engineer, who came to my rescue despite my conflicting selves at war. And in that conflict, I envision a spark that light up a fire, fighting against darkness to reveal the truth about me. For very weird reason, because of such sharing I actually mentioned that 'what is life without a fight?'. Very candidly I played along the thought of fighting because I always liked stories like Rocky, The Fighter, Against All Odds - boxer movies because they have the element of going through difficult times, difficult partnership and difficult opponents. But what stood them all together is knowing that every good end comes from a hard-end fight. 

It may have been a long fight for me, after so long (especially during the one year almost absence in my blogging habit), but I felt that now the fight has just begin, and may turn ugly at times too. Pray that at some point of time, like a fire that light the lamp post along my journey, may these fire be the spark that reminds me of the journey I commit since the first day I devoted my life to Jesus.

[short note]: a correspondence's beginning

I had a recent correspondence via email with my Japanese advisor, who used to share with me all his knowledge in R&D during my years in Panasonic. I remembered at a period of time, I was attached there for half a year, and thus forging a bond with him.

Till this day, he is still my revered senior in workplace, and to be honest, he is the only one person who I know who maintained integrity in the midst of the work life and still manage to be accountable to work despite business ethics. For some point of time I felt sad that a person of his statute should still be very much on the directorial position, but he rather stayed on as research engineer, unofficially given a title 'Advisor' by us due to his occasional idiosyncrasies. Still I missed him a lot, and perhaps I think it would be nice to reveal the correspondence that I have with him here:

___________________________________________________________________________

From Me to Mr. Suzuki,

Dear Mr. Suzuki,

Greetings. This is Ren.

How much time flies since my first day of work here in my present company,
and that at the present moment while I am still reflecting: 2 years have
passed so fast. As a good old saying goes, "Time waits for no man". I have
often wondered how you have been, but perhaps the proscastinating habit of
mine caused me to delay of penning my thoughts. Now that time is starting
to be on my side, I believe it is high time to write a note of getting to
know how you have been.

I suppose that much has changed since my inclusion in the new company, and
from time to time I hear about the news of Panasonic Corporation. Last I
heard, the Plasma Division is seeing end of life - by 2014, and partnership
between Sony and Panasonic is receiving heavy investment to expand OLED
business to compete with Samsung. Even those information gathered comes
from news articles from Fox News as it seems (in which I believe you also
would agree) that Singapore is not as enthusiastic on global business news
perhaps. Nevertheless, despite all, I hope that this mail finds you well
and greet you albeit the abrupt introduction to our 2-year-silence.

How have you been? Are you still currently working for Panasonic? Last I
heard you have shifted to Optical Division (which was so many years back,
and I gathered this information from Edahiro-san - how is he by the way?).
Hope everything at work is still fine for you. I quite miss your occasional
rants about life and your perspective on technical expertise (which to much
credit you have definitely honed my skills to this day).

How about your family life? I suppose that your sons are by now working
full time in their respective fields (the elder being the studious one,
where else the younger one was, from what I known the last round - was a
Metallica fan, much to my curiosity). Are they coping well with the working
climate in Japan? With the under-performed economic landscape in Japan,
does it have any effect towards your two boys? Hope it doesn't cause too
much discomfort on your end.

I myself have moved beyond the technical part (though in part I am now a
technical advisor in my company - much to my discomfort due to the
political and ethical dilution to my jobscope) and start managing 12 of my
engineers in their different aspects. Of course, for the past 2 years I
have been dispatched in fields many times (working in various industry and
various places in Singapore) and started to share your sentiments when you
first told me of your impression in Singapore. To my consolation,
remembering your comment made feel that I am not the one left out of the
chagrin of the 'absurb lifestyle Singaporean exhibits'. Anyway, I am not
too keen in the position where I am, unless I am, again, dispatched to
fields, especially to many of the clients whom I have much interaction in
technical know how and also exposure in Pro-Sound industry. Oh by the way,
my company is starting to do Pro-Sound business, and we are doing churches
AV installation, some concert-level event set up, etc. I primarily am more
on the field of consultation and research in our lab on the various digital
mixing and amplification solutions - like Yamaha, Soundcraft, Digico, Allen
& Heath, JBL, etc. Still I feel that I quite miss days when I can do
research back in Key Module Laboratory, observing some circuits in
schematic on voltage drawn, taking notes and results from the USB HS 2.0
test and HDMI 1.3, optical test via playability. To be frank, occasionally
I would juggle my technical jargon through looking back at my reports of
findings, and some notes on servo performance with pleasure, reminiscing
those good memories.

Hope this is not too exhaustive for your information gathering about
myself. I will leave the personal stuff till later date, but for now guess
these are more than enough for your digestion.

Hope to hear from you soon.
___________________________________________________________________________

A reply from Mr. Suzuki:

Dear Mr. Ren,

Thank you for your email, which I managed to digest.  
I'm fine and still working for Panasonic with Mr. Edahiro in Advanced
Development Team in Kadoma.
But to our disappointment, our team soon faces the tactical dissolution
in a new better organization.

As you know Panasonic suffers big amount of losses these years
as well as most Japanese companies, including Sharp and SONY,
based on electronic products.

Yesterday Panasonic HQ announced that they had decided to take
emergency management measures, which consist mainly of cutting the employee's salary by at least 20% this year, Oh my God!

On my private side, fortunately my younger son just graduates in technology
from a university and decided to start working from this April.
Then I just gave a sigh of relief, after released from the burden of the tuition,
which costs approx.1.5 million jpn every year per student.

His working place may be in the eastern area in Japan, and my elder son,
who is the Metallica fan, already left my home to work.
Then soon I live only with my wife after all.

It's very good that you now work in areas you like, and I am very happy
to hear from you that my advice may be of any help to your career as a engineer.

Lastly I have to inform you that I will quit my service for Panasonic until
at the end of this year.
I have no definite idea at this moment, but I have many things I want to do.

Also I have to visit Singapore in the meantime to clear off my property
I failed to carry back when I left there???

___________________________________________________________________________

Correspondence with him reminds me of the first time I met him, and cherished memories of my solitude in Japan (Osaka) along with many of those nice colleagues I ever had, to have those chilly autumn together - along with my Japanese friends who I met during a church service.

Sometimes, it really takes the first step in initiating conversation to rekindle the memories of good. And I believe that is what happened to my heart that longs for God, every moment - yet procrastinating. Perhaps. Perhaps...

[reflection]: What killed the dream, the tainted living

In reflection of my childhood, and looking through the glass of terror – of which succumbing to the evil and all of the roots of the worldly living, a sudden gash of emptiness filled the heart with sorrow.

For the first of the longest time, I dreamt of life that has higher heights, of which all dreams fulfilled are of the wish of the master who grants the living a chance of freedom, without vigil and spurring doubts. That freedom as light and so clumsy should I thread through life without a worry.

And when I thought of how kindness has left the world, and competition has instilled fear among many of us to reach to the peak, killing many in the process – I remembered there was a time when friendship has no boundaries, where I could easily trust people with their naivety and constant companionship, where we all sit and enjoy the company without any let ups.

I dreamt of honesty in relationship, and that I could reveal all the truth of my life without being judged. I dreamt of moments of which companionship allowed me to question my doubts, and having someone gently kindled the spirit of discernment of life and giving me, at least, the wisdom to live through life knowing that someone cares for the real me.

Kindness has left me, grace was replaced by the fear and anxiety of winning and law of deserving merits. What begins from humanity has now been replaced by the pecking orders of productivity. Life no longer matters solely on companionship and the fulfillment of the entire being – it can be dissected and organized like a cabinet, fully utilized and making the best of every section of the individual. Heart, body and soul finally could be differentiated. The law of meritocracy, of which all of us are by-products of our survival in this world – to be the crème de la crème.

Of life endures, we have put life in the line of efficiency – that which life means more when we have so-and-so, getting the latest gadgets, comparing with our peers of what that matters more – position in workplace, high salary, good family background, great friends who have contacts with benefits one individuals. Then materialism sipped into the crowd as a means of humanity value – that which one’s worth in the societal standing is represented by what he achieved and how much he earned to have them.

And thus the sadness beguiled further that humanity is devalued into a commodity, that if you don’t have anything, you are casted aside as the scums of the society, that which charity, of which so often is a word abused to mean ‘higher-standing-people coming down to feed the poor’, and that you earn your living day-to-day seeking simple fulfillment, to be scorned by society for being ‘lazy’.

Many of us have come to agree that in order to achieve the ‘United Dream’ we have chosen the pursuit of happiness that can be fulfilled by ‘achievement of doing’, rather than being. That which many of the pictures uphold by the ‘Dream’ was actually an illusion of the appearance, that sealed the matters of the heart. Many have then lost in the way of pursuit, forgetting the purpose of true happiness, and buying happiness in different means. Temptation allowed them to fulfill sinister desires, of which sadly – I have become a product of one myself.

There was a time, when simple relationship flourished on the account of sharing and bearing, of hoping that dream as simple as ‘being a musician for God’ is never laughed at with scorn – but chuckled in adoration for the purest of fulfilling the dream. How wishful is such a dream, as now with so many path and so many competition in life, you have forgotten of which is the fulfillment of the dream anymore. Study the arts of scales, get to understand music of different generation, play music that speaks pop to the ears of many, don’t sing songs that you like – try to discern what the crowd wants now – they sing R’nB, drug and love songs. Sell sex – this will get to where you want to be.

There are dreams we often wished we could fulfill, but the dreams of which has sadness engulfed us again and again as the reality sinks in, you decide – why even bother pursuing the dream you dreamt as a child, full of gracious and naïve thought?

Yet – as I sleep over besides a lady who I don’t even bother thinking about, thinking of getting what I need to get the position of my corporate management that I require, to seal a deal that I have yearned for years in order to buy a bigger house for the family, of which my daughter doesn’t even acknowledge as an effort to salvage the family now broken cause of my wife’s infidelity as an excuse that I have not spent time for the family – I wondered where is the childhood I once had, where I believe God has given the gift of music for me, of which I would play in simplicity believing that one day, my song matters to God after all.

Perhaps it is life that has killed this dream that I used to dream, and would I have said that no more of this matter anymore, that tomorrow I will still walk the path of unrighteousness, to get what I need to buy a better house to fill the empty souls of my wife and my daughter. Perhaps it would be me that killed the person who used to believe in righteousness even in simple living, that even in poverty I believe I could walk out of this path, believing in the Providence. Perhaps, after all the evil thought and deeds that I have committed willingly in order to get to where I want, I would toss around on bed, remembering the naivety of myself looking up in heaven and wishing that the Father who has once accepted me as the child of God, who has allowed the killing of the Son by all of us who wished Him dead because of the pursuit of ‘United Dream’  - to be forgiving and change my heart once more, the one rotten with many worms of selfishness and greed. Perhaps I could look into the woman that I loved once, who I have promised to share the dream of simplicity ‘till-death-does-us-part’, of which now I couldn’t see her face-to-face because of my lust fulfillment outside of marriage – to sit down and cry humbly and sit down together with her again, to give her the freedom to decide if the relationship is worth another try again.

It may have been me all along, the self-centred soul, who has compartmentalizing the whole scene, and that it may have been me who has lost the direction after all. Perhaps my dream may not matter anymore, perhaps.

Would there be a change of heart for me, to at least learn honesty to grief of my grievous sins – and that I start anew by saying, ‘Have mercy on me, God?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Adapted confession of a sinner who broke down after listening to Fantine’s ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ of the original soundtrack of ‘Les Miserables’. 

[short note]: grief - how difficult it is to go through

Whenever I come to a certain location, and I happened to see the remnant of the back-image of a person I used to date, grief comes to me - uninvited and stronger.

Sometimes the paralysis caught me off-guard, considering the fact that I have actually moved on with another lady who I have wanted to see as my future wife. We are in the middle of deciding.

But the strong urge to rekindle, like an unfinished business - left me dangling.

God, I have sinned.

Have mercy... 

[memoir]: Simplicity demands…

Perhaps in our deepest regrets that we have forged along the way, we may unknowingly induced in our own acceptance of self-conceit and continually think that it is in our weakness that caused the circumstances to flow not in the favor of what we have been given with. 

As time goes, I believe such occurrence becomes to many a means of avoidance and an escape away from the challenges to strive better and continue the pursuit of greater good. Sometimes we may have contemplate to give up and to give in, since in the simplicity of our weakened mind we may have thought that it is easier to give in, and to lose.

Before I continue on to illustrate and ponder on the reflection, I would like to express my gratitude to you readers, especially those to whom I have directed my blog post to for years of accountability and keeping me in prayer throughout – that I would really like to thank you guys for continual reading and hoping that recovery’s on the way to a better life and better improvement in whatever I am doing. It is in knowing that my life matters to you guys that made me continue to where I am this day, to continue still writing my reflections despite the difficult circumstances of which of now I am more concentrated upon. Work and relationship have been fulfilling but not eternally rewarding as the mental strength and the concentration have slowly decayed my spiritual element that pulls me back to God each day in the darkness of my soul. So, with all gratitude and respect I would sincerely thank you, wherever you are – to have continued to pray for me and keep me company for so long in your prayer requests, whenever God provides the time for you.

{chapter 2: the work}

Perhaps the greatest struggles that I would have the most in life is on the work place, and whatever we give to the work revealed the priority that we have set in life – which almost encompasses the general concept of life that we uphold. In this regard I would believe we all fail at some instances and do well to contemplate on making a difference in at least simple steps of striving towards a better good. However, what actually astounds many people (myself inclusive) is the fact that despite the weaknesses we exhibit, we act as if the mistakes are actually fallen off the cliff from someone else, rather than admitting that we are part of the big picture.

I have learned, first of all in the work place ethics, that whatever we have ideally uphold during our schooling in engineering ethics that ethics would not work in practical sense of holding the responsibility in the real world, however generic this may sound. Though stereotypical, the key idea in success in the work place, unfortunately, is not to conduct briefings/discussions or meetings in order to mutually agree on a solution to curb immediate concerns and propose preventive measures, but rather taking advantages of willing parties who happen to have stronger sense of responsibility and let them clean off the dust of the dirt that you face in the work place. I have seen too much of such practices in the field work, especially when people below me were not only accountable to me but also to many other parties who happen to care little of the interest of my subordinate but more on their income and the stability of their salary. In the end, unfortunately these people are the ones that gain recognitions and move forward as the pioneers of good work, whilst those left behind (who of course did all the field work) happened to be relatively unknown and remained as such.

I sometimes took pity in them, and much as I could, I try to uphold them and give them credit in the workplace whenever possible. The least that I can do is to put more recognition emphasis on them during performance appraisal and such, but never did I thought that in the eyes of management, they have already selected a few that they wish to develop and cultivate to be the next managerial elect. Those that ‘by favor’ are left behind would remain as such and continue despite the best effort of these subordinates. In unfairness the management judged them poorly (‘Their best is not enough for the company’). Unfair, huh?

I feel sad at times, that whenever I tried to push forward for them, some did not cherish the effort of us the team leads, and continual to press wounds over the pain that we felt as the middle management. There are those who definitely appreciate it, but understood too well the impending doom of such futile effort. A few chose to leave because of the unfairness, some remained because this is the only work they know to be safe and stable.

With good works it doesn’t mean that they pay off well. My team lead partner and myself find a lot of difficulties trying to hold true to ethical means of work, rather than letting management have their say over what they think is right (which usually will deplete my people many a times). What actually felt worse off is the fact that sometimes in order to achieve something good in eventual outcome, we have to succumb to client’s outrageous demands in order to make things work. Some of the demands that clients have really caused me many disturbance, but knowing that they are the pay-master, I could only oblige and follow their request.

Some nights I find it difficult to sleep with my eyes closed and my heart at ease. When the work worn me out it is sad that I have to find solace in sinful activities in order to numb my feelings of guilt and shame. I have missed so much the company of my cell group members (all being now fathers and mothers, with kids running around the house brightening the mood). The church offered little, but each week coming to church the fellowship still brings the freshness of God’s admonishment into my life. Sunday’s usually the day that I felt genuinely at ease and comforted. Come Monday, the whole bleakness sets in again.

I now see the dirty ethics practiced in the work place as a reminder that the work place bears the remnants of the Human Fall. God has given the work for us, for our good and for the benefit of the Relationship with the Trinity, but because of the liberty of our freedom, we chose to disobey and ruin the beauty of the fellowship. In subsequent unfortunate events, the work place bears remnants of the failure more than the beauty of work. I hardly see the work as a possibility of ‘fulfilling the dream’ that we wished since young. Those who actually admonished on the media propaganda that, “My job is like my dream come true” felt like a sarcasm in the face of reality. Not that it would happen, but the hardship and the compromise that comes along – those are hidden under the carpet so that people idolize the path of ‘self-worship’. It saddens me to see that we have denigrated our sense of justice to mere survival of the fittest in order to have a roof under without a drip of guilt. Sad perhaps, that we do not bother about the wellbeing of our neighbors anymore, and not letting the guilt pangs over us without a hinge of conscience running over our rotten heart every night. Sadder even, that we have degraded our sense of humanity that is given by God in the level more appropriately described the kingdom of animals rather than human.

To be honest, the degrading of my heart speaks a lot like the above, and I wondered many times if I can be forgiven because of the guilt I continue to exhibit and trying to let it hide under the carpet without letting it surface again. Many times when people sought advises from me (sometimes even my girlfriend would discuss with me the conditions of both of our work place), I would have given ideal and pragmatic answers that perhaps try to under play the ingrained dirt that will possibly come out. Though the advice is found to be fruitful and meaningful, somehow I find it difficult to live through the pain each night, thinking if I have committed the sinful act of ignorance.

{chapter 2: the friendship}

Perhaps the work place has not been forgiving to consider my life beyond work. After all, almost 90% of the time that I have had been dedicated to work, and much to chagrin of many – I hardly remember if there’s any friend I ever have outside workplace. The recent event – of which I helped for as a guitarist for my friend’s wedding, gave me the opportunity to meet up with many old friends from my old hometown (of which I credit to some as the reason why I had this blog initially. They have stopped using since, but as stubborn as I was, I still use Xanga and still find a community strong enough to allow me to move on). I guess time have changes everything. No more were the old let ups and the sarcastic remark that says how I was: a crybaby, a mischievous, a failure, etc. Now, they may have forgotten how I look and how I behave (many of them were saying: Oh gosh, you look so different, so much better looking, better composed!). Though I took pride in them, the thing that hurt me more were the distance that I felt as the old friend. Now within their sense of community, they chat among themselves, and I was perhaps ‘the guitarist hired to play’, and no more.

The sense of kinship among my friends, both old and new, has lost its initial warmness. I used to depend a lot on my friends whenever in sadness (especially during the days of my rebellions with my parents at the younger age), and so many were shared. Though they always spurt nonsensical jerk curses over each other (me usually being at the end of the butt jokes), I know that they were naïve at their age. I harbored hatred too at some of my friends for denigrating me, but as times go, I have learned to be contrived and forgiving in small and simple steps.

But perhaps in the statement above, whatever I have said, the statement above bore a sense of self-righteousness that may have caused the alienation towards my friends to this date. I don’t have long-term friends, and I could only state a few. Those that really stick with me do not stick because of my good deeds and traits. To be fair, I can be annoying to them at times and even offensive. I remembered a few of bitter exchange in a remote area about my hatred towards the world and my own self that my good friend Peter had to ‘wake me up’ from my sense by scolding rather than encouragement. To be honest, if it wasn’t for that scolding, I might still be in my own world contemplating suicide and other immature reflections. Still those are rare (and a few indeed) and that I am still in my own nutshell not willing to move out from where I was, and at times still yearn for friendship, despite the very fact that I ‘dispose’ some.

I felt guilty and equally shameful that of all the respite, I still behave as if it doesn’t really matter if the friends around me matter. And beginning with recognizing the hurt I have imparted to people, I am learning to let go of the hurt I felt, and start moving on by treating people with equal respect. I am very glad that a few of my good friends still keep in touch with me. And in that respect, I will have to decide to move forward, however small they can be. In little baby steps perhaps.

[short reflection]: as joseph did, so must i...

Reading Genesis 42 to 44 makes the heart felt convicted, for more often I resembled Judah more than Joseph. With a wicked heart I may have killed my brother by leaving him in a lurch, and like Reuben, though I may speak of conviction, I have no strength to stop, and letting the evil prevails while standing there watching.

And what convicted the heart more is the resemblance of the mercy Joseph undertook when he heard the confession of Judah, to finally after years of evil and contempt, decided to confess and to sacrifice himself. And Joseph revealed his identity, amid the dramatic expression in forms of tears and admonishment.

"You may have intended it for evil, but God intended it for good, and it is for God's sake that I have stood here to rule over Egypt so that the generations of Israel may find solace in the midst of the famine".

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. If I do not spare even my own Son, who in obedience learned about the sufferings of mankind, and once for all paid due the sacrifice for the forgiveness of you all, who shall be against you?"

Perhaps in the cross, when Jesus died for all our sins, we do well to think over the kindness of God and the mercy He has given us. Despite our lack of humility and our continual habitual sin, God comes so close, in a form of human face - to show us an emotion for our reflection.

Therefore, my child, go... and sin... no more...

Reflections of Gospel of John, Hebrews, and Genesis.

[short note]: reading up the crucifixion and the resurrection

Reading 'The Jesus I Never Knew' by Philip Yancey - especially on the chapters of Death: The week into Crucifixion and Resurrection: 6-weeks made my heart twitched and felt humbled by the recent downfall I have constantly set myself down for.

On the many days that I have ventured, I realized how much I have not allowed the reality of the death and His purpose to sink into my heart, despite the dramatic retelling that often allowed me to reduce to tears. What God really wants is not the outward proclamation of self-pity and loud weeping, but the inner articulation of the extent of God's love that no longer binds me to the devil, but the pinning of my sins to His Body as an act of sacrificial love to free us of our sins. In such realization, how could I continually live a life as though Christ's death meant nothing to me? How could I keep on sinning (fornicating thoughts, blithe lying and constantly coveting for what people have), not realizing that every act of sin puts nails on His Body, again and again?

With that in perspective, by knowing that God has died for our sins, have we forget that we are not free from the bondage of sin, and thus should continue to fix our mind towards the reality of the Resurrection, that reminds us that our pain and our agony (though remain memories like scars) are not our trophy towards redemptive purposes? The reason for the change from cowardly hiding to openly declaring by the apostles should remind us that we should no longer live in fear of our identity in Christ, but openly rejoicing, despite our past with memories of sinning, that it is no longer I but Christ who lives in me?

Perhaps such reflection will do well to remind us in our days of youth and continue on till the end of days. Perhaps this is the reason why the prodigal son is welcomed when he decides to come home for good. Perhaps. 

And in Jesus' name we could all find our comfort in, knowing that it feels good coming home. Amen.

Reflections of our faithlessness in pursuing holiness

I wrote something today and felt that it deserves sharing. However because of the handwritten nature i may have to snap them to show to you guys.

I'm sorry if it caused inconvenience. Perhaps it is better to have kept that way, being sentimental on the writings.

[short note]: where do we go from here

Something that captured in my heart today:

"Seeing all that is in the world with so much injustice and things that are irreversible, how do we reconcile our role for Christlikeness in this fallen world? Just thinking about this made my heart sunk so deep that I whimpered throughout the night - feeling hopeless.

Then in that cries I heard a quite whisper, soft as a silk running through the sides of the ear, gently remind me that the mourning of the souls of many kindled in God the desire of heart that attunes way back in the first century, the same emotions that was carried by our Son Himself. Seeing a fallen world crucifying Him, He sought petition from His Father, who eventually became our Father, and cried, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Would we have the strength, even in the midst of helplessness, to let go of our earnestness to try to fix the world first and let God first sink deep into the reality of our lives, so that we look up to the sky, and relished the gifts that God has given us, in different means at different times, to mend the broken souls to seek Him?"

Perhaps we should learn to be strong enough to let go of so much of our 'control' and let God sink first in my heart the brokenness of our own souls. In our brokenness, perhaps we can let the glory of God shine through us the cracks - and let those cracks be the reason why many fallen souls see the glimmer of hope in life.

[narrative/reflection]: in forgetting Him, where will we be?

[narration]:

Stumbling into pieces of literature, worn out from years of flipping - those books remained a cherished collection of memories for him. Had it not for the spring cleaning, he wouldn't have remembered articulating many of those thought provoking chapters that led him to remember life as a form of nourishment. Many of the nights spent reading through them as if they were the source of life for him - to live and to apply in daily living. Really, speaking about spring cleaning...

It has been years since he made an effort to start cleaning up the mess in the residence. Ever since he moved into this brick-and-high-rising apartment, the thought about having his own studio kindled happiness in him. For once, after many years of sharing with a roommate (and at times it could be annoying because there's no privacy during the night - he tried to have a peaceful early sleeping hours while his insensitive roommate tends to come in late at night, start surfing the internet, and occasionally play some urban hips in the background while taking a shower - what an inconsiderate man!), finally those days were gone! Sleeping alone in a rather expansive quarter, with all the literature that he adored and the toys he likened for rock star's regulars - now he had the liberty to pump in whatever he likes and nobody would have given it much thought about whatever stuff that he is playing. Never mind my girlfriend, he thought - after all she loved the music that he liked. Giggling innerly, while painstaking arranging books that showed evidenced of multiple flip-through as years gone, he whistled some familiar tunes that was once banned in the 'friendly' household - cause of the immense difference in taste and musical blends.

And now he looked upon the book that he was holding, and suddenly everything seemed to stop still for a moment. Memories come washing over his mind, and he felt his heart tucked by the gentle whisper of emotional drive. Of those many years of wishful youth lives, how much of those can be said that was pleasantly memorable. Mistakes redefined his footsteps, and regrets taught him to be civil and vigilant. Nothing that matters more than being careful with words and how to fit into the crowd. And those years are marked by peer emulation rather than unique individuality. And somehow, at times he wondered which is the preferred idealism in life. And speaking of idealism...

Where was idealism in whatever he was living upon? What is right and wrong in life has become so blurred in him. Many of the concept of living as one was ideally being called to has become so far from ideal and he has no idea where to begin anymore. For instance, in giving his all for purity in marriage, he tried as best not to succumb to temptation in lust and making an effort to be in regular contact with his accountable partners. But life is not straight forward at times. Pressure in work, temptation subtly leaked through the day-to-day conversation during lunch time with colleagues - those fed into his mind the eventual monster that led him to do some unthinkable stuff. And yet as time goes, conscience gave way to lust and eventually he doesn't know what to believe in anymore. 

Quite a sad revelation especially when he found the book. It reminded him that when he first read the book, so much was being revealed about the way of living, and the many story telling of examples that brought in eerie relevance to whatever he has believed in. Such poignancy 

[reflection]: petition of forgiveness

Yesterday, a colleague crudely made a joke on me, telling me that I should take a break from all the politics in the workplace, and send me a link. He told me too that I could get relief from there.

I actually entertained myself with that website and lingered a bit. To made matters worse, I dropped a message indicated I am interested.

The whole night, though - my contact with my girlfriend was cut off and thus I was able to linger in this. 

However, as the night went on, from lustrous thoughts that pleasure the physical needs - to the lingering guilty trip in my heart that tucked from the Holy Spirit, I struggled (and eventually realized) that my indulgence in giving into my temptation caused me to lead to thus. 

This morning, as I woke up, a vision of extrapolating the thought of what would happen if had I really gave in. Many thoughts came into me - but one particular thought hits me hard. God, manifested in His glory, revealed to me that His gift for me, in a form of a person whom he revealed to be my current girlfriend - has become defiled by my actions. Saddened, yes - but a provocation came there after: that my son will defile the family's name in the same footstep, and defame me by sleeping around.

Stories of the descendants of King David come to me during my morning devotion today, and I really felt heart broken. In quick revelation, I flipped through the pages in the Bible to find Psalms 51 in my ESV (Below text from BibleGateway.com)

Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

51 Have mercy on me,^[a] O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
     blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
⁶ Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
     wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
     let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
     build up the walls of Jerusalem;
¹⁹ then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

------------------------------------------------

I sent a few messages to my accountable brothers in church, and seeking their prayers for forgiveness together with me, and continue to pray for protection against the temptation. To be honest, this area of my life is one that is in constant struggles, and it would be a tremendous test for me. Pray that I will be strengthened to make decision AGAINST lust, step by step - in faithfulness for Christ, who has freed me from the bondage of sin since the death of the cross - so that I don't have to live in bondage of my indulgence but making a choice to put on the new cloak of self-control.

[music related]: rascal flatts - bless the broken road

A long-forgotten friend recently dropped me a message to ask if I want to play as a musician for their wedding. Immediate thought goes to 4 years ago, where I had a performance with my dear singer singing 'Desperado' by The Eagles and 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson. It was a pleasant surprise, because I do want to hone back my musical exposure. I was thinking about doing it in pubs but now that this is a good opportunity to slowly gel into the music scene. 

The wedding is on 13 October, and we have decided to do 5 set-piece. The last song that we have thought about though is by Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road. It is a meaningful song, and I wondered if you guys think this is a good song for a wedding.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU

Let me know what you think of the song. Comments are definitely welcome. :)

[reflection]: through the looking glass revisited

Having realized that for the past few months I have been cruising on an emergency flight plan in my work place, I felt little chances for contemplation (which is my usual routine in life, and I managed to find it even in my previous work place despite the hefty commitment they required of us the engineers). Perhaps because of such little space for self-reflection, I realized how far off I have become to being a better person and for once: I longed for time in solitude, just thinking about how life is. Honestly the pace in my work place has given little time to self, and I suspect that unless something deliberate is done on my end this pace will become faster and not withholding any catastrophic syndrome that might damage me in the long run. The recent episode of admitting myself in the emergency ward due to near-cardiac arrest may have indicated something that has gone seriously wrong.

Such observation should never be ignored and always should be treated with equal dignity. In our current generation where connectivity has become such a norm (imagine that instant connectivity with someone in San Francisco back here in Singapore to discuss about online music school intake) – we tend to forget the meaning of spending qualitative time that transcends mere connectivity and discussing agendas. I observed too that my sense of community has become so blur that mere connection with people doesn’t seem to nourish my wellbeing, to be frank. I have yet to share with regular friends, but deep within my soul I felt incomplete in the state of where I am today, with so many insecurities towards the pace, the life, and the friends I have but yet to rekindle. I didn’t feel comfortable being in where I am today, and I have to (at many random occasions) deliberately slow down my pace in order to get things fixed. Yet due to lethargy I succumb to sleep. Strange but true.

Recent disposition towards instant gratification (reading random movie articles to anticipate what movie to watch, watching meaningless shows to amuse myself, and also the humiliating fact that I am still struggling to discard my temptation towards watching pornography online) has made such attempt to fruitfully reconnect with people remarkably difficult. Learning to pace myself such that there’s room for contemplation and meditation proved difficult because of my inclination towards getting things fast and wanted instant gratification for the success of work at the end of the day. When I started to notice the different way I look at things recently the first person I talked to was actually my good buddy back in Thailand. He could identify a few things in my concern. However, no matter how much he could advise it boils down to the perspective of life that I may have embraced on recent notes that has begun to go wrong.

By God’s grace, I have been given better work load in recent note, and just mainly helping my other colleagues with the problem faced. It also reminded me to take note of my own schedule, my time and my other commitment. I have learned through time the importance of sticking to what matters more – especially now that after I have slowed down in life after the cardiac arrest and the work load has significantly followed suit too. Perhaps when there’s difficulties in life, we start to think about things larger than where we all have been – fulfiling immediate productive duties that serve our purpose as tools in the world today.

In deliberate actions to slow down the pace, I have noted how much I have missed in life, and forgetting how much many other things matter in life. In retrospect, I realized how difficult it has been for my friends to keep in constant keel with me – trying to understand me where I have been and keeping themselves posted. One very random note from a friend getting married by end of this year actually hinted that my hometown friends were actually wanting to meet up with me, having heard things about me that defy the existing person they used to know (a musician growing to be better looking and more kempt, a gentleman who is now attached and moving on to a new life, so on). This actually surprised me when I first read it. I remembered seeing myself as a dirty ugly moron who has lost his sensibility to live righteous and feed on wasteful resources to survive each day. Like a fat obese guy eating junks sitting on his couch never moving forward, I see myself so much like this that I often forced myself to move out to see the world differently as how I usually see myself – just to get myself fresh air and a new way of living.

It was very refreshing, to be honest, to see and realized that even in those friendship I have cumulated difficult and unpleasant memories – that they are still keen to see me and be surprising themselves with how I have been. How naïve I have been.

I tend to be secluded and isolated most of the time actually. As much as I tried, I don’t like the fact of sitting down and mingling. Somehow there’s a sense that life seems wasted by ‘indulging in seemingly meaningless communication about random things’. I sometimes dread conversation because of the frequent need to be very mindful about what to say at the time conversation is held. For example, I tried to look nice and gentleman whenever I am in talks with my university friends, hoping that they will see as someone mature and well-kempt. Sometimes, in those moments of conversation I had a sense that the dialogue flow became very artificial.

Yet whenever I avoid conversation, come back home (especially during the days of my singlehood), despite ‘productive’ edges on trying to finish work and stuff, I always felt left out and disappointed by the fact that I spend most of the time looking at work related stuff. Sometimes even commitment to practice music alone becomes so mundane that I waste myself by reading trashes. I shall not be more explicit because I think it should be rather clear enough. Nevertheless the intention was really quite demeaning.

As I grow into maturity in life, I start to realize the importance of communication, no matter how random it might be. We are not machines living by the law of productivity and assuming ethics to be running along the veins of conversations. Sometimes, in randomness it could be a source of encouragement and disappointment (that could run either way from a sentence to the other), but it doesn’t have to be employed in force. This would not make things work well. Of course, there are people who are paid to be a professional in engaging those conversation (counselor or psychiatrist to name a few professions) – but we are not expected to put a purpose in those. Friendship, if made to measure by the productivity of ‘happiness’ or ‘pleasure’, will never scale up to the ideal as expected. Sometimes there will be up and down in life – and that includes friendships. This is a hard lesson that I have to learn along the way.

Strangely though, I have learned this through in a relationship with my girlfriend. I think it takes a lot of grace on her side to be able to embrace me as who I am and still loving me all the way. I realized how much love she has invested in order to love me the way I am. There are many moments I realize I need to humble myself in order to see her world. For example she hoped that I spend time to come to her church with her family, but I kept thinking that it is a primary duty of her to come to mine instead. Though she was rather accomodative by the fact that I am still learning to get out of my comfort zone (by getting to know her friends). I felt that conversation left spontaneous is definitely with good benefit for the health of the communication part of the relationship.

Bringing it back into the context of my friendships, it is definitely imperative to constantly remind myself of the importance of a fruitful relationship, but it doesn’t need to take productivity as a measure of fruitfulness. In fact it might be that the lesser it takes on the scale of productivity (in this context, it could be more related to ‘benefiting from this relationship on my own psychological health, etc), the better the fruitfulness might be. Perhaps, from then we would see less of our own benefit, and start seeing other people as more important than us. This might be a good start to learn to be relational.

I am taking some effort to maintain close relationship with people who have been in constant contact with me. Although it is difficult for me to start a close friendship with people in church for now, but I think it is good to start things slowly. Hope that you guys can suggest more if there’s anything that can also help to grow the relational character in me. And at the end, perhaps this would be the best opportunity to start being a witness for Christ, who has died for us all (while we were yet sinners).

[short note]: reflection of a grace from John 8

A reflection of grace given at the cost of repentance. 
But in repentance, the conscious guilt pulls us to realize how much the meaning of grace surface to us:

"8 ¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ²  Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]]"

A compelling story that reminds us on the infinite mercy that God has for us, and the admonishment that no matter how dark and deep your sin may be - God has already freed that guilt from you, so that you can start again afresh and walk towards Christ-likeness.

[prayer request]: day 160712

Prayer:

1) I have been thinking very hard about my spiritual health, and it is not in a very healthy state. I have understood the meaning of besetting sins, and I kept wandering around them without the willpower to stop myself being indulging in them. So unless in that nick of time I could see the severity of how deep the graveness of sins bringing me towards, I will easily be tempted to follow suit. So pray that as I learn to pick up the pieces along with my mentor and my cell group leader, pray that I can also start revealing the heart my insecurities that allowed me to indulge in senseless desire. 

2) Work has been slightly kind, and I thank God for the mercy and grace of the people around me despite my health concerns. Recent cardiac arrest also slowed the pace of my management, and they have been less demanding. Though I have reservations, I know that eventually I don't serve just the humans because of their superiority. I serve because God first showed His examples on us, and to take up the cross daily and remembered that I don't live for myself anymore - but for Him who has first saved us. So the welfare of the company would also have to be taken into consideration and I should learn to live in accountability with people who are judging my performance.

3) Relationship is not all highs and lows, but at times it could get a bit difficult. She has been encouraging me to do Bible study together, but I know my temptation to like to physically touch her and leading her to somewhere wrong. I mentioned this to my mentor and my cell group, and they have forewarned me about not leaving the door locked. However, I know that such advices may not mean well and much and my inner strength is weaker. So I need to learn to meet lesser, yet be more focus in sharing. My own strength to resist is weak, and I need to talk it out to a fellow sister to encourage accountability for her, but we have to find time. I pray that the time that I would get to spend with my girlfriend this Friday would be something related to be able to talk about these, keeping boundaries yet still showering the love for each other.

4) I thought about the purpose I have in Christ, and yet in searching for an identity I don't seem to understand beyond the gift in music. It seemed awkward in my current position as I don't see any opportunity knocking on for a change. However, if my current job is being positioned by the calling of Christ, then I pray that God can reveal Himself more so as to know if this is the vocation that He has given for me. As of now, I felt that I am going along with the flow for too long that I don't know how to handle my own self at times. Pray that God will reveal in my heart His desire, so that I could live for God the way He wanted. Now it seems like I am living the way I think God might want, but I am not too sure if that's the right way of thinking. 

Pray that I am humbled as prayers be cultivated as well. Pray that a group of accountable people can help to sit in together and keep encouraging one another to live for Christ. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

[short note]: looking through the glass

Thought that maybe I wanted to share this briefly.

Was thinking about joining sound ministry for churches as part my calling.
Been thinking hard, but somehow I am stiffled by financial burden.
As of now I am still struggling to pay off my rents and my loans. And I am now currently attached, so entertainment fee might be an issue.

These are practical issues, but there's more underlying struggles that I have.
Though in here, right now, it is hard for me to put things in clearer perspective for you guys to read, I believe that first step is a good start.

Hope to hear more from you guys as time goes.

(on mobile): cry and hope

Crying out in anguish, not understanding how I end up being broken and fallen from grace.
Then a spurn of thought brought me down, struggling to understand why our Father still loves us despite our brokenness.
And in a still moment I remembered how a song that depicts the vengeful post-breakup of a victimized soul, written by Trent Reznor - in turn sung redemptively by a old weary man yet still holding on to the Grace of God by Johnny Cash to remind people of the redemption that God promises in the song 'Hurt'.
Then in little way I understood that these temptations were allowed by God to mean us well, that struggles draw us close to God, remembering that God has overcome the world, even through unlikely circumstances. That's redemption and that's Grace.
I cry for help because only through the cry I understood the need for Grace to wash away the pain I seared to myself, and let God once again wash me white as snow.
Glory to God. In Jesus'name we pray. Amen.

[poem]: night is darkest just before the dawn

when darkest looms, and pains arose,
we human tend to shirk by and large,
forgetting our values, our principles,
self-survival of our utmost concerns.

sad on hindsight that we have diminished,
when this could be the best to show the meaning of living,
community upbringing, and showering love,
even when one odds out from all.

however, night is darkest just before the dawn,
a glimmer of hope in the midst of all,
when one uphold the meaning of forgiveness to all,
and decides that all should come to each of their own. 

when all shirk of their role of living, and one stood out,
by loving them despite of their infidelity and failures,
though despise and rejection may come, the light shown through,
like a blossoming daisy in the midst of dried, horrid trunk.

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Father, despite my tendency to return eye for an eye, I pray that in your love that you have bestowed upon me despite my failures and weaknesses, may I draw the strength to live and love those who I hate and resent. That forgiveness comes not from me, but first from the cross that Your Son has demonstrated for us. Father, have mercy onto my soul.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.