[poem]: I, the sinner, awaiting death

Heart of pessimism ridden by guilt,
Not withstanding the unforgiven heart.
Here I ride along,
Like a lost soul.

A vagabond wandering spiritual realm.
Oft I think, life is short - give all you could,
Not of brink spring, but a fountain,
Full of appetites and desires, So fight it all, give them all.

Now, I have them all-the desires of heart,
But the will to live is lost for all,
No more to gain, no more to hope,
But a lone ranger last of all.

Friends never lasted long, as long as I know,
The agony too short, the price too high,
Commitment lifetime undone, accountability lost,
All left was a piece of a junk'd soul.

I am he who ruined life's all,
I gain none though I gain all,
What's left for meaning, if no one...
Not a soul waits for me home?

I yearned my heart to see the Lord,
Would the Lord showed His mercy?
I don't know, but I do know...
Time would tell if my dearth soul parts this world.

--- --- --- --- ---

What is life, when the meaning boils down to the relationship?
What is the meaning of the fight if no one's there to witness?
What is the reason to give when there's no one to receive?
What is the meaning of life, when there's no meaning to live?

Excerpt within the soul of mine, as I began to feel that I am losing good friends who walked the journey of faith with me 

[reflection]: why it is the prodigal, not the righteous, that returns triumphantly

[Note: This blog posts about a movie in detailed, and if you haven't watched the movie JCVD, I suggest you watch this movie first before reading the below blog - unless of course, you have no intention to]

I was watching on a spectacular movie today (due to a flu bug caught), and I happened to strongly connect with the idea that the movie wanted to portray.

JCVD, apparently, is a semi-biography of Jean Claude Van Damme (hence the initials), in which the movie was intertwined between a robbery bank heist, a disgruntled movie star who had just lost his custody in care taking his daughter, and news propaganda on JCVD and the events around.

What actually caught me off-guard was not only the reality of a famous movie star gone wrong, but also a special scene where JCVD actually broke into a 4th wall to address directly to audience currently watching JCVD to talk about about his life.

He talked from his failure to produce a good movie for the audience to enjoy, his recent divorces and his drugs intake - and in the end, he ended emotionally with his intake about pursuing his dream that turned into nothing, and wished that he can start all over again in Belgium (where his roots are), to choose a different path of life. At one point of time (because the robbery involves hostages and there were several gunshots) he wished that these all happened in real life so that he could find a reason to return to Belgium to start all over again, but he wished that no one will be hurt, because of the beauty of living.

What moved me was the complexity and the inconsistency of his emotional monologue. Admittedly, the monologue is a confession of a movie star who is tired of what he had achieved and had hence a different outtake of his life. This monologue appeared improvised as well, so I do believe that JCVD was sharing his life in a very transparent way, such that he would talk out his reflection without holding anything back.

Typical movie buff may not like this out-scene, because of the gritty truthfulness delivered. Perhaps, out of cliche, people would prefer a triumphant entry/exit of a movie star in a movie, so that the movie will garner popularity and acclaim, especially from critics. But what people did not realize that, as human, movie stars do have personal struggles and their problems that were left unsolved.

When I watched this particular scene, I, like JCVD, wept. When we managed to talk out our concerns of life, it is highly in-congruent, badly versed, and horribly phrased. We can't tell the head from the tail, and we did not know how to reconnect the entire script. The vulnerability caused us to just say what's on our mind, without anything to hold back.

Yet, this vulnerability actually caused us to relate to him closer, and start giving these people respect - not as an idolized star, but as a honest man trying to live.

Have you ever wonder - this virtue could be the very reason why Jesus is attracted to the sinful, not the 'sinless'?

My recent readings on 'What's so Amazing about Grace, The Jesus I Never Knew, The Return of the Prodigal Son' and also my own life told me great deals about us being failures, and how that is the virtue that allowed God to work. Several accounts in the gospel highlighted the people saved and thus being commissioned to reach to others were actually the ones who were tax collectors, prostitutes, fishermen and those of low positions in the societal hierarchy. And what allowed Jesus to work through these people is their brutal honesty about their failure to live properly.

One particular moment captured the essence of this self-reflection was the scene on the Calvary, the thief who acknowledged his sinfulness.

'But the other rebuked him, saying, "Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong." And he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." (Luke 23:40 - 42)

And Jesus said to him, "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise"'(Luke 23:43)

One of the moment that capture the essence of the gospel was that it is the acknowledgment of our sinfulness that draws us closer to God, not when we feel righteous. And when we are willing to accept our sinfulness and knowing that we, like the sinful thief, needed help that is higher than us, we will then draw close to Jesus.

I looked upon JCVD's life with much to relate, though not all is directly related. I did not do drugs, but I played with cigarettes recently (and stopped for a year for now). I am still struggling in sexual addiction, and attracting people sexually. I wanted relationship so bad, yet I always ended up being volatile and depressive. I lied many times in order to make myself less bad.

But I also know that the moments when I thought to be better are the moments when I am further from God, not closer.

When I think I have improved, and I felt that I am finally, cutting off the temptation to addict myself to sex - that's the moment when I think I did the worst. I can attest to that frequently, and I know that where I am today is the same as well.

I admitted my guilt and shame, because if I don't, I will not be helped. Just like JCVD.

One scene that particularly addressed the impending doom in JCVD's life was when he mentioned about how screwed up he was in his career, and that even though he managed to pursue his dream to be a superstar, he ended up achieving nothing. So he "prayed to God, so that I could know what to do with life, and wished that this movie is real". The fact that he addressed God (and his emotions shown at its peak) showed how much he wished his life could be corrected, but he knew that he cannot do it unless something higher can. He may not understood the actual definition of God, but he may have addressed Yehovah indirectly.

I remembered the story of the prodigal son, and I always wept in my heart whenever I read the ending.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer wrothy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate." (Luke 15:20b - 24)

The son realized his life was in ruin, and he could only 'justify' to continue living by asking to be a slave, just like one of his father's servant. However, instead of 'justly' positioned due to his sin, his father actually elevate him back to the status of the sonship and the stewardship (note the ring) over his father's possession. This story is a story of amazing love. And the reason why we as Christians are commissioned to do. None of what this son did deserve such outrageous luxury. But that's amazing grace.

When there are people on the streets left for hunger, sharing this good news to them means that they can hope for a life of better returns - food, place to live, better prospect.
When there are people who struggle to live each day struggling through their drug addiction - this news meant that they can be freed from the addiction, and live straight.
When there are people who felt that they have messed up their lives, and don't know where to start - this news meant that they can start afresh anytime.

All if we are willing to run towards them to give them the shelter to live, a place to belong, and a heart to give, without return.

I watched this movie, feeling very compelled to cry out loud to JCVD to tell him about the love that God has, truly, and wanted to beckon him to God. Just like how I felt about my girlfriend. (Another story to talk about)

Towards the end of the movie, JCVD was shown in a prison teaching people about Karate when he was being interrupted to join in a visitation call from his mother. After a while, his mother surprised him with introducing his daughter to talk with him. Just like a kid, JCVD reacted very naively, playfully hit the phone on his head before emotionally responded, "Hi" to his daughter, who initiated the conversation. The movie ended abruptly here, but it gave a strong message of redemption.

There's nothing in this movie that suggested that JCVD earned his way to gain access to his daughter. All was done that his mother freely surprised him with his daughter. The unexpected presence of his daughter - made JCVD felt so emotional that it was hard to tell that he was acting from reacting to real life circumstances.

This, I believe, is amazing grace. We did nothing that deserves God's praise and gift, yet God wills Himself to surprise us with His immense gift to allow us to live. And that's the reason why, we can worship with awe and wonder and praise and honor - because precisely we didn't deserve all these that we have now. To be able to live, to be given the freedom to worship the Lord, to live with church communities, to live without the fear of sudden death, to live to love other people who loves us, to enjoy things that is a luxury in other places, to appreciate the beauty of arts, and the list could go on.

Perhaps, what we can do, for a start, is to start thanking God that we live today to enjoy every moment of friendship, love, the job, food, sleep and many gifts that we have taken for granted. Because we never know when will be the next time that we might lose them, just like JCVD's losing his daughter, just like me losing my battle to sexual addiction, just like many people in poor countries who lost their battles in surviving each day - literally.

[The painful reminder of living]

I saw my dad and my sister in Singapore today, accompanying them to shop around for their new year gifts and their 'to-do' list from my mom. It was supposed to be quite a simple shopping around.

But seeing my dad's condition, and how he struggled to cope with the crowd on a late afternoon till evening humidity filled me with unspeakable emotions.

When we reached Orchard Road, where the streets are displaying the birth chronologies of Jesus' on Christmas season, what actually provoked my sadness was looking at my dad's movement. He took out the phone that I gave to him some years ago (a 2 megapixel normal mobile phone), and took photos of the scenery along with many digital cam, DSLR, iPhone, smartphones and other higher end camera models. And like a poor man gotten his salary for the day, he happily took the photos of me and my sister overlooking the decoration of a purple-neon Christmas tree in front of 313 Somerset shopping centre.

To me, that was really heart breaking. Not because of the poor state that we are in, but for me forgetting my roots. And I was so pre-occupied with life in Singapore, trying to follow the trend of life, getting good equipments, finding the right job - where by here my dad, in his simplest form of living, took photos as mementos and cherished them more than me.

Stupid Ren.

I was raised a pauper, no doubt. We live very simple life. If there's any possibility to survive, we would grab at the first sight of it. Not to say that we were extremely poor, but we have enough to fend of for the year. But the problem wasn't with the fact that we were not well-to-do. It is the very diverted perspective that me, my dad and my mom had that eventually broke my heart, till this day.

My mom has been a hard worker - even at her current age of 64, she is still not giving up her job as a hair stylist. And that spoke a lot on her perspective on living:

"Earn well, get a good wife, stay in Singapore, and get rich. You will need it when you get older. And don't expect to have relatives helping you. I doubt it. Look at how they ruined ours."

My dad, however, was a simple person. He had gifts in music, engineering, mathematics, accounting, documentations. But he chose to live the life as a simple person. He, however, always listened to my mom, and always obliged to my mom's decision. Perhaps it is because of his age of being 64, he had difficulties trying to make decisions for himself. Every decision made was after seeking advise from my mom, including clothing for everyday.

As for me - studying in Singapore, getting a good education, and now working for a good company - I felt somehow their perspective could not hold compared to where I am coming from.

They are, till this day, still rejecting my belief in Christianity. They are still skeptical about my going to church - simply because they felt that I would give the money as a tithe to church. Whilst I don't see why this is a problem - to my parents, that is a hard one. My parents were 'tricked' by church members, including my dad's brothers and sisters. And they felt that no one could be trusted because all they are looking out for is whether you are rich or not.

I don't live in this era, and I am somehow liberal in terms of practicality, but I felt quite offended whenever I think of how my parents' thought about my way of handling things.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

That's why, when I saw my dad happily took the photos of me and my sister, I suddenly felt very deeply remorseful.

I was born in the same family of a father who enjoyed simplicity, and a mother who is always advising me to be pragmatic and scheming.

My sadness came through because it seemed that the differences me and my parents had were so irreconcilable that I felt there's a huge gap. 

It is very saddening, and I could only asked for God ... to teach me, how not to be so overwhelmed by this.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Dear Father,
I am very sad. I have gone far too long too much.
I lost myself in the midst of my own sins, and my own let downs.
I was so accustomed to my own issues, my problems, my concerns.

But today, when I see my dad and my sister,
I was reminded about the already bad relationship me and my parents had,
And the slowly-getting-better part that I had tried to reconcile,
But the hurt, the hurt - I think I need time to let it go.

Father,
It hurts, but it is necessary.
I don't know where to begin,
But in my lethargic mind I humbly seek You...

Lord... have mercy on me...

[memory]: away from the past

[Prologue]:

Before I move to pen my thoughts on whatever that's going on in my life, I felt there's much to update about what I have been doing nowadays, and how much I have owed many people a general apology for the absence. Honestly, I have been going through a ride I have abandoned a long time ago, and still wondering if I made the right decision to move to the next step of my life as of now. I dare not say things have been easier, but there are times where I realize the journey has grown arduous and strenuous. But the perspective from a good friend of mine has thought me life as a follower of Christ.

[start]:

W O R K

I think it is safe to say that I have decided to move into a simpler life. Simpler in a sense that I have decided to move into another field of industry, while maintaining my engineering professionalism. To be honest, since the earlier part of the year I have already decided to quit my current work and decide to pursue another company as part of my 'upgrade'. Upgrade in a sense on income and job responsibility but not commitment. I am actually thinking more of lesser commitment (9-5 or self-priority-time-assessment). This is quite a challenge, knowing that in the working field I don't really have the luxury to anticipate simpler work-life balance. My experience in my current company taught me that life is no bed of roses. There were many expectations around, and I need to learn to adapt - however difficult things are - to the very unbalanced work commitment.

Of course, there's also another motive why I decide to have a different kind of work commitment. I would like to take up music commitment. Knowing this will mean start from scratch, I decide to hunt into some courses. Recently Berkelee School of Music offered quite good online courses, so I am going to look into those. Already there's one advisor attached to mentor and guide me on choosing the correct courses that I would want to venture into. However, I decide that I may go slower than expected, because to be honest, I am still not prepared to go full-fledged into music career, however God may want me to be. I think this is still relatively unknown for me. And taking up a course means I just need to spend some more time organizing my time table in the future.

R E L A T I O N S H I P

I guess, by now, I find it slightly hard to conceal - the fact that I have now a commitment. I am in a relationship with someone in my work place. She is one of the smartest girl I have met so far, and yet very gentle when it comes to dealing with people. She has a strong character of assertion yet polite when she is addressing an agenda. I loved, too, her face and her eyes. Those gentle facial expression caught my attention. And she is very trustworthy when it comes to handling responsibility. I am especially attracted by her friendliness towards her colleagues and friends too.

We have been together for about 3 weeks now. When we got to know each other, despite attraction for each other, we decide to first maintain friendship. We understood that there's grave consequences if we plunged into a relationship without getting to know the actual person. I told her too that we can easily fantasize about each other without realizing the damage it will cause if we turn out to be different from what we fantasized upon. So, after a while, we think that we can give this relationship a try.

Getting into a relationship taught me a life of self-sacrifice. Really. I am not kidding.

The initial part was really the hardest. I remembered some nights when she called me to chat up with some stuff with me to seek assurance from some bad moments she went through. I told her that what's important is that part of the difficult moments is to teach us never to fall again. It is very easy to say it to her at that time. At that time, I too face some dilemma in getting into this relationship with her too. Many different perspective in things caused us difficult moments to get together. It is as if both of us have quite differing perspective at certain issues. So, for me to say those words is somewhat hypocritical, knowing that I myself face the similar problem in applications.

I think, the greatest lesson learned is to listen, and to give too. Many instances whereby I am forced to give up my own time of leisure to accompany her with her calls really caught me into some sort of resentments. But I realize that, left to my own, I might not use the time of leisure well, as evidenced during my single years.

Now, things are slightly better. We went through difficult moments together, and the time when we are able to past through those dark moments - and we are having one as I write my blog now - is really a lesson of humility. I too am learning how to treat her as a sister created in Christ. She has been recently slowly learning to understand my faith too.

There's another issue on the non-Christian and Christian being together, but until I am well articulate with the thought, I will withhold my comment on this matter.

[end]:

F A I T H

I have been challenged deeply on the issue of repentance and coming into faith recently, especially when the issue of me getting into a relationship with a non-Christian actually did cause some damage to my own thoughts. I have my moments of being in a relationship with someone in the past (2 years ago). Despite the 2 months journey, I have been challenged of the notion of getting into a relationship with her, several times by my mentor at that time. She was... not a pleasant person to begin with. I went into a relationship with the wrong motive, and ended up hurting myself bad during my single years.

As of my current relationship, she has quite a different worldview compared to my ex, and I don't think I should make any comparison as well - not to make myself feel better or worse. But my thought on the non-Christian part actually did take some peace out of me during the initial part of the relationship. Although we got together after several days of 'get-to-know-better' sessions as friends, I know that this issue will be quite a big thing in the future. I do see the possibility of marriage, but that is something I think need a lot of time.

I don't see my relationship with her now as an evangelical act of romanticism. This is considered unacceptable, especially considering this action to be a replacement of a messianic role. I see the relationship between me and her an opportunity, though, to show the love that was first given to me through the death on the cross. However, I think, there are times I find some difficulties in living out this love. There are times, when she would call up in the middle of the night because she found herself not being able to sleep. I have to think of ways to calm her down, and assured her that things are okay and she can continue on sleeping. Of course, I have moments too that irritates her, and she too had shown mercy and love in return to assure me of her love. In many ways both of us are like partners at work. When one is facing a problem, the other will actively try to spur one on and continue the relationship. 

One thing that tested my faith in this relationship was my urges in sex and the condemnation of pursuing a love relationship with a non-Christian. I realized that the urges are strong when there's opportunity to be alone. I remembered one incident in a park where it is quite isolated, and it was very late in the night. Thoughts came in very strong. Next day, I told her that there shouldn't be any more 'park moments'. She wasn't quite happy, because the part moments meant well for her. This is one of the instances whereby our worldview had differences, and I had to explain well to her to let her know the importance of respecting her and taking care of her well.

As of the non-Christian-part principle, because of my faith-upbringing in my university and with my mentor, I have an impending thought that being attached with a non-Christian is an abomination to God. I don't know if it could be ranked as the same as being a homosexual, but the strong sense of condemnation was present in my head, utterly causing me to fell down many times at home at my knees. My prayer to God was also a desperate plea to take away the attractive sensation of being in love with someone and make me to love appropriately. As of now, what I hear was, "Be a testimony to her. Give her to Me". My counselor remarked that it could be a possibility of humble submission to Christ, and not holding even an ounce of my supposed belonging in her. However, he made it clear that it is not theologically wrong to pursue a relationship with a non-Christian. Neither do a few of my close friends. So perhaps what they are concerned about is not the theology and the rules, but the attitude of the heart in this relationship.

I penned these thoughts down, because at some point of time, I knew I need to come back to read what I have written to remind myself of my journey in faith. I believe this is one of the most difficult journey I have been, and to be honest, I have a feeling that there are people who will think that my pursuit in this relationship is considered a bad move. Perhaps they are right too. After all, I know of myself of not being able to make the correct decisions at many times. However, I decide that the friendships matter above differences. I write because I want to still be as accountable friends to those who care. And honestly, I am ashamed of myself too. But I have learned that the things that I have gone through in this relationship did teach me things that I have not considered at all, and a good lesson of humility.

[convicted]: the leaning onto the past

Was I holding back too much?
Was I still thinking of the past relationship?
Why wasn't I moving on and start embracing the freedom to love again?

---------------------------------------------

A message yesterday night stroked the entire conviction. Prior to that message, I was actually having a heavy heart sharing with my counselor on my struggles in life, especially my attraction for a girl. It was, in freak manner, led into my honest sharing with him about my struggles with her, and how much I have done to have made things worse.

It was quite liberating, yet convicting, after the session. Realizing what I did was wrong, I tried to amend things by thinking through how to approach her about my struggles in self-control. I never thought that it came so naturally when she called and asked where did I go.

Remembering the importance of honesty and transparency, I told her the truth. And it hurts.

The comment that everywhere I go with her, reminiscence of my past was present - it was a bleak revelation. I never thought that much, but she thought it was. Where I go out with her, where I bring her for lunch, what I liked to do - it reminiscent a scent of my past with me. The past where I had with my ex-girlfriend. And apparently she felt that the flavor of her was too strong. She wanted me to think about this, and decide again whether to want to continue this relationship.

I felt horrible. I took half day leave today because I felt bad hurting her.

2 years. 2 long years. And still I cannot let go the fact that I am now in a different stage. 2 long years.

And honestly, it was just a 2-month-relationship. Did that really get in that deep? My emotions, my hurts?

Before lunchtime just now, she dropped me a message:

"I think it is better for us to clarify things today. I will contact you after work."

I could only momentarily read the message with a bleak note. Knowing her, I think she meant a possible break up. 

------------------------------------------

I understood where she is coming from. Everything we have, she told me she felt me holding back. When there are sharing sessions, we talked a lot, but she couldn't touch my heart deeply. She can only know the exterior, at most my character and my favorite things. She couldn't touch deep into my heart. 

Because in my heart, I am still unsure if I am able to. I really want to love, but the love that I gave to the person who I loved before - ended up being told that I was in the wrong relationship (and I am very convinced of that, to be honest), and now to have another person means I am quite wary whether should I sacrificially love her. 

Honestly, I want to give this love a chance. It is too mean to put people in the same standard as my ex. She is she, my ex is my ex. All that is left is a memory, and not a specification.

But I know, from the tone of what she has just messaged me... I knew that she meant bleakly. 

... in my half-heartedness... God... what would you will me to do? I am ... sorry to be stupid... 

[autumn]: weaned to the Father

autumn breeze through the crimson sky.
so gentle, so cold.

i look upon the leaves, all those cantaloupe-like,
reminded me of the end.

i strolled on the streets, the reminiscence of history,
mahogany laid the foundations, those huts.

--- --- --- --- ---

i thought about the autumn, and the trip back to the equator,
and much to await for, and much to learn about.

autumn gave me a glimpse of the beauty of the nature,
yet it is, still, but a temporary.

i reflected on the season, as though much hurts come by,
come so soon, too quick to delve into.

it was this season, that i lost my sanity to temptations,
greatest irony of all, is my trust in friendships end this day.

my hurt and pain were at the peak, yet i know not of friends to come by,
to realize how much trust were betrayed, and how much love was denied.

i remembered the hurt of my closest kins, and the words they chose to exhort,
not realizing my sensitive heart was shattered the moment the words got out.

--- --- --- --- ---

when i look at the leaves, now leavened in the streets of Kyoto,
the crimson sky, with the orange-reddish maple leaves decorating the heya.

something like a gentle whisper came to me,
something unearthly, yet gentle came to my senses.

hurts have to come, no doubt, especially when they came at times of trial,
but it was these hurts that taught us to live through to trust.

if it wasn't for the isolation and the loneliness, i wouldn't have appreciated the love of God,
if it wasn't for the separation and betrayal, i wouldn't have understood Jesus' sacrifice.

i learn through adolescence the meaning of life, yet i learned it the hard way,
thinking about how much things were in the past, and how much hurt was carried.

but it was the burden that allowed me to look to the sky,
and faintly remembered the stories i heard in the Sunday school.

and at the brink of my sanity, i say with much contempt:
"Lord, i'll bet on You, and I choose to believe. so help my unbelief"

--- --- --- --- ---

in the season of autumn, an icon of democracy became a symbol of hope in life,
when the less fortunate hope for a dream of freedom and living openly.

i looked, with eyes wet with compassion,
remembering the times, after my dedication - some time later - to lean on the weak.

few years back i worked on some songs,
talked about my struggles in sexual innuendos.

it had been distracting, all these years, with so many concentration on how to live well each day,
forgetting that the purpose in life is not just a self-contempt.

i thought about living, and remembered about the icon in Myanmar,
and i start to remember the years when i strive to fight for injustice, the weak and the burdened.

--- --- --- --- ---

could i look into the eyes of the one who i want to spend the rest of my life with,
and tell her my initial passion for Christ? to live and fight?

i'm weaned like a child, to the Father, in desperate need to look up and not to look around,
to tell myself, let life speaks for itself, not the mouth only.

--- --- --- --- ---

Narration: I was especially kindled within me the heart of compassion that once ignite my heart during my late university years when I watched the news of Aung San Suu Kyi was released and determined to live the passion of liberty in freedom for the country. As I was typing this, I looked into my own reflection, remembering how different I have become.

It was greatly timely, and yet on the same time, I was quite ashamed to think that I have deviated so far. So Lord, take my heart, and lead me to Your way again. Step by step. Thank you Jesus.

[conviction]: revivalism of freedom fighter for the weak

It brought to my attention through a close buddy who is always on the lookout of global concerns to point out a very inspirational news on Myanmar.

Aung San Suu Kyi released from house arrest today (Saturday).

I leave the story from online to you:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11749661

Reading this story reminds me of my admiration for Nelson Mandela, and how much during my university years - the desire to fight for the weak.

It has been a very long time, indeed, to have that sentiments. Since 5 years ago, I have been struggling my own personal issues, and tried to dabble in ways to recover.

So, to have my close buddy reminded me on this (although there's a shame to think how much time I have wasted for)...

I think, I should start somewhere...

[prayer]: Wilt I Pray

Wilt I pray,
That I giveth my flesh,
Not to succumb but to submit.

Oh to Lord my Rock,
Foundation of my Faith,
Not to give in, but to submit.

Wilt I pray,
That life with be a servitude,
Not a selfishness conceit.

Oh to Lord my Father,
Who despite my sinfulness,
Forgive me, Redeem me, and Saveth me.

To My God, I pray,
In this day, even as I lose my will,
That Thy Love be supplication for my faith.

Thy are good, dear to me,
But I oft forsake Thee, forgetting Thy goodness,
There Hence, I seek Thee, repentance and redemption.

Oh Lord, I pray,
Have mercy on me,
A sinner worthless to live...

--- --- --- --- ---

Dear Father, I pray, that I will live as a testimony.
It is difficult, in a world so cruel and damning.

But teach me, one step at a time, to trust in You,
That not my will, but Thy, be done.

--- --- --- --- ---

Remembering Jesus, and I humbly seek Your Favor,
As I submit my prayers, to You... Amen...

[devotion]: bittersweet prayer of submission

Father,
Into Your hands I commit my soul,
The tired soul longs for peace and comfort,
Which I could not find, and found it wanting.

I long for satisfaction, yet it is hard to remain undefiled,
I seek for momentary pleasures, which add on to my guilt,
Because that's the only intimacy I have ever encounter, despite the filth.

--- --- --- --- ---

Father,
To have the attraction for a lady was comforting,
But the amount of dedication speaks of the commitment,
Which I am afraid to give, to commit, and to love back.

Now I know, what it means to really be a lover,
You want to give her the best of all, yet not to kindle premature love,
You are wary of love, and to the best of what you could, you maintain control.

--- --- --- --- ---

Father,
We maintain distance, to know each other,
Because we know, to dive fast, we will end fast,
But to know each other well enough, and it is possible to love more than looks.

But my heart is damned, very damned,
Because despite her interest in Christianity, she has not met You,
And every night, I thought about my liking her, and I felt condemned.

--- --- --- --- ---

Father,
I recall stories of Old Testaments,
Where leaders of Israel married foreign women,
And idolatry was rampant, and descendants being immoral.

I recall stories of contemporary relationships,
How unequal yokes lead to further disintegration,
Between lovers, and commitments for Christ.

--- --- --- --- ---

Father,
I felt that the Gift is really from You,
To like her, and to establish friendship with her,
And to always ensure both of us know each other in honest means.

Every dialogue converse ended with encouragement,
To know each other first, and perhaps some more time to decide,
Whether are we meant for each other.

--- --- --- --- ---

I offered my prayer, because I have no where else to go,
I am confused, much left disillusioned. Her openness to believe in what I believe encouraged me,
But I am not the messiah, You are. I cannot force her to believe my belief.

At Your time, You will lead her to You, but not me.
I am a mere instrument, but if I were the person You lead, I will not question.
But still I am sincerely unsure, because I am fearful of Your judgment.

I read books, heard people, spoken to friends,
That tell me (and I told them) that one day we will be judged by what we did,
And now, I stand here, feeling that God has condemned this act of maintain a friendship.

So, with my half-heart (often weak-willed) I surrender her to You,
If being friends and subsequently lovers is what You will, then I will gladly comply,
But I heard nothing from You, nor encouragement, nor condemnation.

I do know, it is hard for me to talk to friends about this,
Because my secular close friends dislike my affiliation with You,
And my church close buddies were against non-Christian intimate attachment.

I could only endure, by talking to my trusted confidante,
Because despite their ethical principle, they manage to shower me their love,
Affirming me that they love me, so therefore please don't do what I felt wanting to do.

I trust in You, to provide.
I trust in You, to forgive.
Therefore, my heart, weak-willed, I oblige to Your will - in which I heard of none.

--- --- --- --- ---

Give her to me, Ren.
And be of a testimony for her.

--- --- --- --- ---

That's all I heard. And I am confused.

 

[daily check]: relationship/friendship: AM I READY?

i wrote this in my journal, and i hope that should i lose my journal, i could read it up online (via iPhone or the future LG Optimus 7)

1) am i willing to give up my own time to be with her?
2) is my feeling for her merely a physical attraction? any deep characters of her that is attractive too?
3) if she doesn't reciprocate my feelings for her, can i still accept her as friends?
4) am i patient enough to let her decide whether i am the one for her too?
5) will the relationship be self-centered or God-centered?
6) can i practice the virtue of the fruits of the Spirit while in relationship (gentleness, meek, kind, self-controlled, love, patience, etc..)
7) am i willing to submit to God's authority for this relationship?
8) am i able to remain pure in my heart and my mind when i am in relationship?

i don't think the list is exhaustive, neither do i think these questions are honestly able to be committed. nevertheless, i want to be reminded that if i were to be in a relationship, it is because i am willing to ask these questions every morning, and remind her also the same.

thanks peter, for giving me this advise to draft up. there are still things to write about. but the list above is a good reality check.

... 'cause i don't want to live in self-denial anymore. learn to be still...

[short post]: at japan... for the last time... for work...

i hope this will be the last time i am dropping by in japan for work purposes. i have tendered my resignation letter, but i know i need to finish this job before i leave the company. after all this is our proposed idea. so i might as well complete it.

but today, the work is the furthest in my mind. i kept thinking about making a decision. about getting attached. am i in the right condition? i read back my previous blogs, i felt shameful to admit my inadequacies. i kept talking about my problems, my struggles, my reflections. hardly did i ever say that i want to submit God's will in my life.

honestly, to go by feelings, i want to fall in love, especially when i felt this girl was given by God. the night before i cried - God, i had enough. do what You want. the next day i was attracted. but i do know that this could also be a satan's ploy. so i decide to give each other some distance.

but, every night, till tonight, i still think about this relationship. and now we give each other 2 weeks (after i come back from japan) to think of the possibility.

honestly, all i could do, is to submit my heart to God. but i am wrestling with it. it reminded me of Jacob, how he had to wrestle - even to the point of being physical. it was very scary... but i know i had to. i need to submit my heart, but it will take a lot of effort to let go.

i was thinking about how people in my church get in love, and then get married. they seem to have very good and smooth progress. i rarely hear people struggle in their heart whether they will be enticed to serve her more than God. i believe they should, but it seemed like they did it well.

nevertheless, looking at other people is not the point. looking at God is.

i have made my decision. so i am deciding to walk each step in faith. and only God knows. and that's my concern...

[poem]: the evidence of life

once a sprout,
in the midst of valleys,
with gentle wind breezing through.

the simple plant grew,
among the weeds and dry grass,
overlooking the scenery of clear sky above.

naivety is the way of living,
for the plant thought that weeds are friends,
dry grass could hang around together as shoots.

as each grew,
some needs to give way,
the source of water underneath the same.

poor plant,
out of compassion he gave way,
thinking perhaps weeds and grass grew dryer.

the weed remained thin,
the dry grass remained dry,
but they kept asking for more.

and so the plant,
tried to rationalize,
knowing that giving is helping.

no appreciation,
no consideration for neighbors,
the weeds and the grass lived on carelessly.

poor plant,
dryer it became,
sulkier it became.

one day,
part of plant grew yellow,
water seemed hard to flow.

and conveniently,
weeds and grass blamed the plant,
thinking that plant took it all selfishly.

plant used to be forgiving,
thinking that these childish neighbors,
didn't know much about compassion and giving.

but now,
with evidence of life losing,
plant decided to boot out of the valley.

several days later,
only remained grass and weeds,
each blaming the other for being selfish.

while the remnants of plant,
brownish layers of limbs remained,
parched and dried on the valley filled with rocks.

--------------------------------------------------

Update:

Would it be fair to think that we all have times when we would give up being nice people, and start sacrificing ourselves to death? I had a hard time thinking about this, but I often felt the same when I talk with my housemates. It is a sad fact of life, I suppose, but I often felt stifled to think how to encourage my friends who faced the problem that I am facing - in which we all do not have a solution for ourselves?

I cried to God, to think how bad life was, and how much I think He should come to the earth and to destroy humanity. But instead, He descends into our soul, build temple in our heart, and let the Holy Spirit dwells in us. Whether or not we are faithful. That is a very sad fact that I thought about. God actually chose us as ambassadors of His grace. And yet we dispense this gift with such mockery.

I struggle with sexual temptation, and eagerness for relationship. I often wondered, how much of that matters to God. But when I realized that He is already in our heart, and I start to realize the immense blasphemy I had committed each time I commit a sin. It is like defecating at the altar of God, or slaughter a human to defile the altar. When I think of that image, I was perpetually petrified.

Then strangely, I remembered Jesus' admonishments to the Twelve when little children comes to Him, as if protocol didn't matter. Like a spouse/child, Jesus mingled with them without considering whether these kids are defiled or not.

It was there that I realized the meaning of Grace. God allowed a defecating worship despite His probable despise over it. While we were yet sinners, God has died for us. Jesus took the blasphemy we shout at Him, regardless of any generation, so that one day we could only look into His wounds with immense feeling of guilt and remorse. And that guilt is godly, I suppose.

I remember my recent interest in a girl that I like at work. Our friendship developed fast and a bit too much (a week's old, and we talked with each other at least 1~2 hours whenever we meet/on the phone). Every night, I thought about the relationship, it felt as if I am defiling the altar of God within my heart, because I thought of friendship with her as being ungodly.

I struggle with the friendship everyday. Honestly, we didn't talk much personal things, except about work, school, family background (that's pretty personal I suppose), but I hate to see myself trying to justify my friendship. But strangely, Elijah told me, and I felt that it is OK too... to maintain friendship with her.

I am conflicted, yet whenever I look at the cross, I could only tell myself, "Lord... I am weak. But I am also evil. I took the nails and nailed You on the cross too... I am sorry."

Meanwhile, she is interested in Christianity, but needed time to read up about Christianity. And she is more of a Chinese person. Perhaps I should recommend my church youth pastor Wendy... perhaps...

Oh... I cannot do this myself...

P/S: Thanks guys for reading, and commenting. Sadly I have been busy with work (almost clocking 12 ~ 13 hours everyday, including Saturdays), but I am blessed to know you guys still care. I am sorry if I cannot get back to you guys, but I will soon. Anyway, I have tendered my resignation. I will talk more about it the next time.

[personal & conviction] finding love...in strange circumstances...and controlling it

I guess, when you are about mid-20s, you are also wondering if you are able to get someone who can remain as your partner for life. And it is true to say that sometimes, it can get a bit over-the-heat.

I prayed a prayer that was very bleak. Not sure about the humility, but it was my honest self. I told God, I am letting go. With all that I can think of, I just don't want to think and consider.

On my birthday, when I am about to settle some claims for my recent overseas trip (China and Japan), I happen to be interested on the new claim cash accountant.

 

Honestly, I don't think this is right, and I have talked to trusted friends about this. And as much as I felt the intense strong attraction, I know I shouldn't be entertaining those emotions. And the fact that she was also friendly to me gave me a sign to take note of the pace.

So I think, I told myself, distance is important. Because - before you get into a relationship you need to know the person well enough.

I told myself, I am going to have a smart girlfriend, who walks with God, and being faithful to His Words.

 

But I don't know about her as of now well enough. And I am struggling.

 

A good friend suggested that if I cannot handle the friendship FIRST, then don't bother reciprocate the emotions. It will lead to disastrous effect. Honestly, I went through that... with my ex. 3 days of bullet train.

Another suggested that as of what he sees of me, he knows I am on a wreak journey. My work recently escalates to immense pressure, and I have to persist myself to work on weekends. That gives me a strong reason why this recent attraction is like a dose of ecstasy - a temporal hiding from the reality.

 

I think they are true. And I want to ask that I would be helped. Because attractions really do happen.

 

Lord, I don't think I can really get into a relationship with her yet. She is a really nice girl, but I am not sure if she is meant to be as a gift for me. With all that is happening now, I am not so sure that I could get attached. But I treasure her as a person, so I decide to give this emotions to You. But You know my indecisive heart. Just like a hypocrite, I could cite my prayers without a pang of conscience hit. And I assume I will do well.
I had enough of trying to clean up the outside. And I am struggling too to know that I like a person who I am not sure if she is sharing my belief (or that she could sincerely). So I pray this prayer. I submit my heart. And it is still not fully.

I know I am still holding back some. And I know that I am eager, as much as her, to call up every moment just to hear the voice. But the voice that I should hear is of You - through the 2 buddies who I love, through the Word that reminded about unequal yoke, through the examples of mixed marriage - most importantly through the example of my failure during my first. So... one day at a time, I need to learn to submit my heart - day by day. This is a struggle that I need to learn to TRUST and OBEY. Thank You Jesus.

 

I will talk with my counselor soon. He needs to hear this.

[personal] the october

every year, when i reach into the annuity of my coming into this world, i remembered the year that past through.

the reflection i had last year was extremely somber. i remembered my one-year into the broke up.

on my birthday, i spent my time in japan working till eleven pm and had my expired 100 yen chocolate croissant for my birthday dinner.

that week ahead, i cried inside my room at night on a cold Saturday. remembering that i am single as always.

 

this year, i looked at the year that passes me. from that night till tomorrow's night - what's going to change?

then, the sudden thought gripped into mine - reminiscing the pain of loneliness yet another time.

the girl that i had waited is no longer available, and those who i got attracted to at work were actually married with kids.

and i look at myself in the mirror earlier.

 

my sadness had reached beyond tears. the dried eyes looked into the sullen look of a guy who used to have his jovial smile.

i pitied myself, why do i kept on holding onto finding a relationship as the ultimate security of my life?

and gushes of emotions rush in my heart, with expression no one can fill in. with all those thoughts of belonging.

every night in my sleep. i dream about love, a girl i could hold. a woman i could cherish and hold. a lady who i can together grow old.

 

yesterday night, a prayer i said. lord, this is enough. i don't know why i cling to believe in you anymore.

i admit, i believe you because i know no matter how much you still would love me till the end.

and only if i could see the cross, just the cross in itself, i would be instantly reminded of your love.

after all the love that was given was unconditional, the highest esteem of love.

 

for all these i understand. and true, it was an abdication of love that i could never imagine.

but...

 

like a lost man, i now lose the sense. every week, going to church, seeing the church people being happy, talking with their love ones,

and i stood by the corner, hoping to have some light sessions - but eventually lonely at one corner. i said hi, nice to meet you, how's life and bye.

the saddest part is i come alone, i go back home alone. throughout the journey i am still alone. cell group members have decreased, and now...

and i serve in music and sound ministry. i did bass, guitar, tech and sometimes slide shows. and with those i am still pretty much alone.

 

i think about god yesterday. and i ask god.

god. i felt hurt. i need love so bad. i know i can only get it from you.

but will i remain as such? why is it difficult to be ready for the gift?

is it because i am still struggling with financial burdens, work commitment and my sexual addiction?

 

was it for the sake of my 'not-ready'-ness that got me into this shape of solitude?

yes, i am young, only 26, but god... i felt lonely since a kid.

mom and dad didn't understand me well, they tried. but they failed. and they rather let it be.

and every night, from young till old - i look at the mirror, trying to be better.

 

i dress up. i learn to fashion up. smell nicer. walk better. talk better. pose better.

be nicer. be friendlier. be happier. be smarter. be taller.

be compassionate. be affectionate. be reasonable. be non-judgmental.

be sensitive. be reliable. be conscious. be ready.

 

and i can never be those. in the end, i look at myself, and i am still not satisfied.

and sadly i never will. because i am sad with who i am now. very sad. very sad.

 

and i scold and scream and shout and laud at you, god.

why am i still alone?

 

several colleagues said that i was being too picky when i choose a girlfriend,

cause they think i am good looking and should not have any problem finding one.

but i am so scared to tell them, it is because i want to wait for god's timing for one.

and if only i could find one that i like. and i did. and i waited because i told myself the time wasn't right.

 

and my financial became worse. and my addiction became worse. and my work became worse.

and the girl became his. and these are according to your plan, lord.

 

and i felt sad.

and maybe you are right. she may not be for me. there's someone else.

 

but i give up. i am not going to find anyway. no point.

 

so this october. maybe. i will just...

let this wish be over.

maybe i will just learn to survive. that's all.

[work]: expectation

i learned something important today...

 

i had a manager who i admired a lot and also was kinda my mentor during the days when i need technical help.

today, i was explaining to him (out of advisory friendship) on my recent problem-study in work. i spend the entire saturday and half of my sunday to study with an attached engineer from china. that includes also my friday and my monday.

 

japan team was quite impressed with china's progress on problem study. that is a huge plus point: considering how japan and china had quite a strained relationship in any field, regardless.

so i was quite emotionally affected when this manager in my working place actually had differing point of view.

 

he was expecting a 100% problem solving within the trip. knowing fully well that we have pending technical difficulties that need longer time.

and i kept him accountable, not because he is in charge of my work progress. i simply let him know as a friend, what i am doing.

 

his words are hurtful and demeaning. very intolerable. and scolded at my inability to complete.

knowing well that no one else in the entire company would want to acquire the responsibility to improve.

 

i am angered. i am hurt, but most of all, i am disappointed.

such a friend. such a remark. such a letdown.

 

it took me a trip back home, to sit in front of my study desk, to realize: no point arguing.

i felt hurt. but if what i am doing is to feed into his expectation of 100% problem solving, then i think there's no point.

 

and the expectation brought me to mind something that i wrote while i was in japan, towards my last day in my recent japan trip:

"gratitude comes from defeat of a purpose, and surrendering that purpose, letting go, and let opportunity knocks."

 

i think, we all are grumpy at times because we want people to do it our way, without remembering how the other people do it to achieve the way they did.

and when they cannot do what we expect, we would blame their inefficiency and eventually expressed our letdown to them.

 

in the midst of my anger towards the manager my friend, i too have expectation on him. i expect him to understand my predicament.

already i am tired for working non-stop for 10 full days (except sunday, which is half-day), with my attached engineer doing the same to solve the problem to the best we could.

 

with me expecting him to understand our tiredness, and him expecting us to be perfectionists,

that's where i guess the communication breaks down. i hated him, and he is unhappy with my progress.

 

however, now that i think about it, i have drawn up expectation that was eventually not met.

and instead of letting that go, i let that subdue in my heart. i hated him.

 

so, with now i realize that, i decide - let him be unhappy.

i will show with the result, my best, to him. whether he likes it or not.

 

i decide, to consciously tell myself: my work is accountable only to God alone.

the world may tell me that i did a shitty, half-hearted work. they may say, if i really did just that.

 

but i will not hold back my effort. i will press on. i will also give myself the rhythm to rest.

so that in each of these phase, i will answer to God. not to men.

 

and i pray, that after writing this down, i will remember it everyday.

whenever i got angry, i will remember that eventually i will not answer to them at the end of my days.

 

it is to Jesus. who took up the worst possible death sentence.

to let go of the grip of sentence on me. on people that need to hear Him, and His good news.

 

just a short heads-up.

[short post]: why... oh why...

just a short post: but really thanks for reading up my blog and dropping by with your comment.

I haven't really recovered much, but I am thankful that I am doing better...

work has been quite tiring. now I am back in Singapore. but I need to prepare my trip to Japan soon. Good thing though: I don't need to go China again... the trip has been extremely tiring.

and... i am still angry... and depressed...

that someone that i have waited has turned out not to be the one for me...

i took the half of my Sunday writing down that anger and resentments inside my own journal. too graphic to describe.

but i want to learn to be honest with my feeling. i hid it too much. i tried to appear calm and doing well...

 

no one at the moment get to hear the full extent of my resentment, so i took here as my avenue.

hoping that my cell group would hear it.

speaking of which: while i was in japan... i met a bunch of real nice Japanese Christian. you really get to know the difference in spiritual climate in a country that doesn't really uplift the Christians.

to know that they are having difficulties being known as Christian with peer persecution and mild ill-treatment from friends and even families...

 

i look at myself and thought: why did i feel so depressed over my own struggles on thinking that God did not provide a girlfriend for me?

and really, it was a bad idea to take pornography as a means to be angry against God. i think that was, in retrospect, silly.

 

but i cannot let go of that resentments i have with God.

so i decide to let it out to God, and see how He responded...

 

and so, i will go back and sleep...

desperate pleas

I reached Japan about 10 am in the morning today.

Then I stayed in the room, wasting myself. all the vaselines...

Thoughts of getting laid... getting had... getting wasted...

before the big day the next day, where i need to present our cases from china. with our suppliers.

 

i have never been so stressed. no, actually i went through worse ones.

but never had i felt so jaded about my struggles in sexual promiscuity.

i know that one more step, and i am going to go into the vicious cycle of pains.

though i know that that familiar pain is bittersweet, despite the pangs.

 

i look at myself. thought of friends that encouraged me to move on.

since her, 2 years ago. technically this would be just 2 years ago of the event,

when i broke up with her, and now everything's the same.

2 years since then, and now i felt bad of slower for the girl that i like.

 

i did not curse God. i know it was my fault. for the Vaseline and the fantasies.

but now i see myself, after those wasted tissues and papers.

why torture myself with all these fantasies just to get myself intimated?

doesn't God's love revealed His unending provision for me?

 

i remember a saying: sometimes we hurt ourselves to feel alive again.

because the adrenaline rushes to recover the cells drained.

i tend to agree, but is that the way to end the things again?

is it hard for me to let go the pains, the guilt, and the habit, and let God?

 

i like the feeling of being accepted, love and cherished.

i like the feeling that someone actually do love me: the physical presence did matter to me.

i remember the intense affection a girl had given to me, someone that i liked in return too.

that emotions was strong, very attractive and unbelievable. someone actually loved me.

 

but i remembered as well the fleeting moments of emotion.

2 years before, we loved each other like puppies love their poppies.

2 years later, all that is left is just memories. and we're no longer within reach.

and all i know is that she has moved so much along, whilst i hang on the locomotion.

 

sad, isn't it? and i tried casual, i tried friend dates - they were fleeting.

they can satisfy if it is mutual, but none of them are. they did because they want to help.

but they can never give their heart to me. because i, to them, don't worth risking the heart,

so left me in the room, crying to myself, as if i only love me, and hurt myself to love me.

 

can i get out of this wretched thought? i think i could.

reading books may distract me, working hard may got me concentrated.

but the life matters still hang on a thread - my dependencies on God hung on it.

don't know if i am ready or unwilling to give up.

 

so, here's to my own plea. God, please forgive me.

i still hang onto the past memories, like an addiction to my feeling,

the rush of affections worked so well even though they are only living memories.

fueled by illusions that serves to anesthetize the reality.

 

if God, to work on my sexual addiction requires a discipline,

it has to start with a belief, and a faith to trust in this.

just like the 12-step AA, i need to acknowledge that by myself i cannot help it.

but i need to agree that there's a higher being that can help me.

 

Please...

(to those who cared, thanks for your friendship. i am scared of being alone in Japan now... because of my sexual indulgence)

 

Needing companionship to remind me... during the lonely trip

I gravely needed this reminder, but just in case:

Wherever I go, I need to be open to the possibility that God speaks even in the midst of the Japanese culture.

Especially when the difficult and highly rigid yet systematic lifestyle sometimes demand us to trust in the system more than God.

So... I need to learn to listen to God speaks, to break out of the system.

And...

I need to learn to garner strength from God to live through each day pleasing to Him, even though I don't have church friends around here.

This is not the first trip, but this is my most lonely trip. At least on my emotional upfront.

I felt ill-hearted after the China trip. And the fact that the person that I like has turned out to be someone's else (who I really think should be for her) - I need to let go.

So, all I need - is friends who read my blog, who cared about the trip and who cared... for me.

I haven't cared for you guys well enough. I haven't kept you all in prayer all the time. I admit, it is my fault.

And this request may not come out right as well. I am equally guilty for being private most of the time. I tend to introvert myself.

But this time... the loneliness rang out deafening notes to my ears. They hurt me.

I need to remember that no matter how terrible things are, I know you all care for me. Because you resembled the people that was given the life by God Himself.

And because He does care...

God, I am rejected...

God,

In your hand, I commit my hope. My pride. My love.
Now that I know, the girl that I am waiting for is no longer available.

I feel a pinch of hurt, but she is not wrong. It's up to her.
But I did felt hurt, because of my disillusion to wait for a gift that You give.

I wandered a bit, looking for cheap tricks. And when I decide I will choose to wait,
The gift is now others to claim, and left for me on my own.

With this hurt, in the past, I will wander in the dark.
I demand no meetings, no friends around, no company. I just want my own space.

But now, she's not mine, and I need to be wary of it.
And I could act like a kid again, walking round and round.

But God, You revealed Your Love, and tell me to tell you my hurt,
So I tell You, like a kid, with all the pain and rejection and hurt and my cries.

The heart cries for companionship, yet I know now is not the time.
Practically so, and painfully so. I know my stand and I know my pain.

So, I hurled insults, angers, curses, hatreds - all to You.
You took every bit of my lashes.

Then...

You came to me, in my sleep, and assure me.
"You will be given. But will You remember the Giver?"

All we need to learn, is that whether we are attached or not,
The attached partner may have been the best person in the world we have ever known.

But most often, we forget about the chances to be together, to get together, and to remain in love together.
People change, people go. But people choose to stay together and love together. And it is a work remained rooted in deep principle.

I may have lost the principle if I were not to remember the Giver.
When I felt rejected, I may have gone off and hurt myself. Go round the city. Stay at my hotel room.

But when my Lord revealed my weakness that ultimately lies beyond hoping for a girl,
I need to realize that in this moment: it is the faith in God that remains in question.

When I look into the story of the Passion.
That's when I stop whining. I stop sobbing.

I start to give thanks. He still wills Himself to be part of my puny life.
My puny life should have been died to Christ, but I still cling to it. Hoping that I can gain something out of it, like romantic love.

But... today... I learned this lesson.
And I need to ask God to allow myself to grow and trust and obey.

"It's okay. You will be given one day.
But will You remember Me, when that day comes?"

My Love in Music, and My Hope in Using it Rightfully

Part I: The Gift Acknowledgment

I have been having tough weeks, since the beginning of me joining my company till today. Every now and then I look at my electric guitar, bass guitar, my classical acoustic, the effect pedals, my keyboard... and every day I am depressed to think I can only play them full time when I leave the profession of mainstream work and commit to a full time work as a musician/producer.

Every Friday night, I remembered going back home feeling extremely unhappy, because I remembered the days when I could play music all Friday long, and jamming the way. Sometimes, I remembered the awkwardness to play those tunes as I tried nowadays, because all I could hear is a single instrument playing, whichever it was. And many times, I almost drown myself in tears thinking that I couldn't do it in a community that I felt I could relate to, and share my passion of doing it for God.

On recent notes, I thought of playing music alone, writing songs myself and tried to dictate myself to have a disciplined life of maintaining work and my music. I tried in vain as well to continue the passion of listening some songs that I really hope to be able to produce it live, on stage. Just like how I did back then when I was in my university years. During those days, I could jam every day, forgetting school and life, and just jam - because I have a bunch of friends who shared my passions for music.

Now, when I think about that life I lived, I somehow felt nostalgic, yet regretful. I left that band because of their insistence to do music the mainstream way: sex and rock 'n roll. I have struggles with sexual immorality, and I needed a strong time out to get away, and focus on music for what's worth. And in that decision, I have to choose the lonelier road to recovery. Which often fails.

Every Friday night, I look at the first song that I wrote at length, and I couldn't help crying over the tune. The raw tune of desolation and agony. The need to be heard and the need want to share this burden with someone, who would even care about my pain of idleness and lonely struggle.

I looked at my song 'Epiphany of Misery' with some guilt and shame, because that was written at the height of my depression over life. Suicidal tendencies are prominent because I need so much to be heard, whoever it is. At that time, God is in my mind but not to the sense of comfortable sharing with Him my struggles. And when I tried to rewrite the song, I cannot help but felt jaded and often depressed about recollecting the passion of writing that song with intense shame about life.

I will not say what the song is about, because I intend to release the song on the blog when I have the time to write, but I wish that one day, even if I were to die anytime soon, I will end my life with that song.

But...

Whenever I think about writing songs, I felt extreme regretful and ashamed. I am not able to write songs that give hope. I seemed to be perpetually lost in my own world, forgetting about God's immense grace on my life. How, in the first place, my ability to randomly play music was actually a gift from God, not my own self-induced hallucination or possession.

I remembered the first time I am able to play piano. It was in my third year, in the midst of a depression. I completed my song 'Epiphany of Misery', and at one point of my life, I decide to randomly think about life and start to play around chords to relate my life. I passed through the piano lounge near my hostel, and decide to try something. Honestly, I was just expecting simple chord plays.

That chord plays ended up being a tune of what I later remembered as the tune of 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica. And I did improvisations the way I never expect myself to do. All within my first time.

The pleasure of playing is immense, and I remembered skipping my lecture just playing plenty tunes along the way. 'Wake Me Up When September Comes' by Green Day, 'Pieces' by Sum 41, 'Closing Time' by Semisonic, 'In The End' by Linkin Park... the tunes just went off. And I did a few of own improvisation on that piano.

It was monumental. I knew that I could never do it if I thought consciously how to play piano. It was in my semi-consciousness that I am able to play. And that semi-consciousness nowadays have become the consciousness in me. And I start to learn how to play more improvisations in different keys, and I am greatly thankful that I could it just by listening.

And it is in all these that I reminded myself that these were the gift of God, not of men. My ability to play songs, to write a little, and to play instruments I could never imagine... I am very humbled to think that God has never given up on me, despite my often giving up on myself.

Part II: The Temptation, Escaping...

To be frank, I am not a strong willed person. It probably come through from my extreme emotional characteristics. I get very happy and sad easily, and I swing in between the emotions in the split seconds if I have to. There hence, whenever a decision is made, it may change as time goes, especially when difficult circumstances arise.

I remembered the reason why I couldn't do music was because of my commitment in work. In my current work place, it is difficult to maintain the 9 to 5 work mentality. Sure, technically I should be so, but because of the workload I have been having on recent notes, it has been difficult to maintain that culture. Often time, I went back home tired and still thinking about my work, and tried to plan in my mind what to do at work the next day. Maintaining a dichotomy between work and life is difficult for me, especially when it became an integral part of who I am. I am not exactly interested in my work but I am enjoying some of the incentives there which indirectly feeds to my interest: I am doing home theater products. So I will be able to get, ultimately, good deals on home theaters. I already have a few of them at home, in which I am enjoying with through listening to various music and even playing my music through them. Which I think, is a sad thing.

I often tell myself that I should not maintain this kind of rhythm too long, so I decide that after my current project (which will end on early January, if the project runs smoothly), I will take a month break for my leg to heal (the ingrown nails had hurt the flesh of my thumb that it is important to do a cleansing of the fungus infection inside the toe nail. Gross stuff). In that time, I will look for a better job offer. Probably higher pay and lesser commitment.

But...

Every week, especially on a Friday night and sometimes the whole Saturday - I would lament of this kind of lifestyle, the rhythm that's very monotonous - and I got back home slightly late (8 pm), with a tired physical body to maintain. I jogged 2-3 times a week, but not enough to keep my body in check for long hours. I sleep early because I don't want to dwell into too much emotional jargon on the disappointments in not able to play music freely as how I want to be. I tried jamming occasionally with people who loved music, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to love the way they did (I saw their love for music as a form of escapades). And the only time I think I would feel great about playing music was when I am able to finish writing songs for someone who I knew both shared the passion for writing extremely deep and well intended music. And that, till this day has never happened in my life.

A good friend suggested to be content with life the way it is, and learn to take one thing at a time. Sometimes I found that to be mockery of my intelligence. One step at a time? Look at where I am. Yeah, I am taking one thing at a time, and every week I am very disappointed with holding up myself in a house with my own sanity to deal with. I could only dabble in pornography as a mean to ease myself from the pain of disappointment in life and pain and hurt. Of course, various other reasons, such as hungering for a lifetime partner - also motivated me into seeking false intimacy through pornography, but I do want to suggest that my disappointment in not able to play music enjoyably is also a main catalyst.

Part III: The Slow Recovery

The recent Friday was a not an eventful Friday. I woke up slightly later in the morning trying to read up Philip Yancey's 'The Jesus I Never Knew', and my mind was still reeling over the stuff that I did on the keyboard the day before. It was the melodrama 'Epiphany of Misery' on my keyboard attuned to 'Grand Piano' sound. Playing that song reminded me of the emotions I had while writing, and the agony of my not being able to do something for the world is sometimes quite saddening. I read about a chapter in that book on how God actually restrained Himself into a tiny baby in a place that was obviously quite unpleasant and dirty - a humility to reach to this level. And I often look at times when I wanted to rise up to the occasion, being known as a person who is philanthropist, and constantly actively doing something in the name of the Father who has saved me through the cross. And when I read about the story of Jesus' descend into our planet Earth to reach out for mankind to love Him, I often cannot come to terms with these two notions. I ambitiously aimed high to be known as a philanthropist in the name of a God who actually descend into mankind, and to the least of all, and would not openly acknowledge His supremacy until at the end of the day when He was hung on the cross. And even in that acknowledgment of supremacy, He was not spared to be treated as a criminal. What an irony. 

Because I couldn't come to terms with these two extremism, I often tried to put myself away from these thoughts and just pick up something to distract me. I took music, but it reminded me of my pain and hurt of not being able to play music the way I wanted. So I decided to catch up stuff on Facebook (knowing that I am not the type who would be so hyped about these new generations' social networking devices) - and saw several ex-band mates doing so well in their dream pursuit. My ex-band is going to Japan for the Asian Beat final this year. My roommate won the Suntec Dance finals and now preparing for the month-length trip to Korea to dance for worldly renown modern dance troupe. A few of my other ex-band mates were studying music in overseas, and some were doing some occasional Youtube uploads on their covers.

Those were painful things for me to watch. That's why I hated Facebook. It reminded me of my inability to do something against my crippled mentality. It was sad and I had no choice but to ease the pain through mental stimulation.

Into the night, my cell group leader actually invited me over for a PS3 playing, and I actually felt glad that he actually took me seriously when I told him how weak I am every Friday night and Saturday. So, when I reached there, I am introduced with a few of his friends, and we played soccer console game.

I am very encouraged to know I have such a nice cell group leader. I remembered when I played console games at a younger age, I always got scoldings and humiliations from friends and even my parents. I am not good with card games either, so whenever I play social bridge with my friends in university years, they will try to not to call me as their partner. So when my cell group leader actually encouraged me to tell me what I should do and also tell me what he found that is of strength in me, it was a miraculous feat for me to be able to catch up playing a game I have never played before. I was quite emotionally affected by his genuine concern for me. 

I saw an acoustic guitar there across the living room of his house, and I decide to play a bit stuff there. And strange - it has been a while, but I am able to simply play anything on the guitar without feeling any restrains. I just played blues, rock, metal, jazz, pop, ballads on the single guitar as if I own the guitar, and my cell group leader just let me do what I like on it. And it was through playing the guitar that I am able to get to know another friend of my cell group leader who happened to got interested in my guitar playing. He invited me to his house warming next time and decide to have a moment of me playing guitar with him - just to have fun.

I just suddenly feel that perhaps, music is meant to be enjoyed in this manner, not in a 'noble' sense, like how I envisioned it earlier in my life.

Part IV: Reminder of Servitude

I think, generally, we are given gifts in our lives. And I do believe that we all are given different traits for different reasons. I cling to believe, although with doubts at times, that these gift are given because God knows where we will be put in the situations in our lives. When I was younger, I have not a clue of my inclinations in artistic endeavors. I only know how to study physics, maths, engineering, language - but apparently it seemed that in the everyday of my life, I was meant to be just doing my best in the situation I was given. When I got older, my tendencies to know more than just those physics caught my attention - and the apparent interest in music got hold of me since. Since then, I took up music through various sources in less than a decade, and I have not found a moment to give up the journey since.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I don't know what is God's purpose in me through music. I know it is God-given, but I don't know if my current life is God-directed. Many aspects of my life seemed to be inclined on selfish living - to pay loan, debts, for my parents' pocket money, insurances - and it seemed like I have little for myself. So if my current stable life is already stretching to its limit, how about when I do music full time? And I thought about if it is worth it to do sound engineering from the start - should I go for classes? But it is not cheap, and I am not sure how much of those lessons actually help. I look at the profile of many prolific producers - they learn more through life around them, rather than strictly adhering to the syllabuses in school. And I am stifled to think how much my limitations of not being able to play music as freely as I want because of all these things at the back of my head.

Towards the end of Saturday, I watched the movie "Ratatouille" by Brad Bird of PIXAR studio. I caught myself in tears when at the end, the food critic Anton Ego let down his gauntlet to realize of his role of being a critic without considering the effort of the artist of the food. The critic mentioned that it was out of sensational instinct that food critic often liked to pass pessimism on certain art simply because of the fame that would be garnered there after. But when the critic realized on the recent food that he had tasted was made by a rat, his preconception of an artist being merely impressive broke down. In the end, he was humbled to realize the ordeal of a rat and how he came to cook and serve dishes that were considered the best of France delicacies - and in his notion, "I begin to understand Gustaeu's remark on 'Anybody can cook' clearer - not everyone can be the great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere'". He was humbled by his past pessimism on Gustaeu after realizing that this rat, Remy, actually defied any odds of being a chef, and his passion to cook the finest dishes out of a very humble dish (called Ratatouille - it is actually a peasant dish in France) - and on top of all, risked himself to coerce with human to cook - tugged into the heart-string of Anton Ego.

I caught myself in tears because often not I don't think the way Ego realized in the end. I wanted a very good stage for performance, I wanted popularity and gain ownership in life as a rockstar or a sessionist. I wanted to be known as a philanthropist and the best lyricist and bassist in the music scene. I wanted attention. I wanted it done the right way. But I often forget that God doesn't work in that way when He descended into humanity. He humbled himself to live among the people He loved. His passion was humanity's redemption, and in the end He risk His position as a deity to descend as a human being. That very act of humility deserved to be reminded.

Of course, much of the show 'Ratatouille' is very humanistic and addresses the struggles of Remy the rat chef. After all, the director wants to remind us of the fallacy of us humans. The show did portray many parts of the many casts inside that were quite realistically human struggles. But the point at the end of the movie was remarkably directed towards humility and acknowledgment of gift that was given and the effort to realize it.

I looked my music gift this morning, with new light. I want to play music so much, but I need to withhold the passion with a different light. I don't know where I should be led here after, but I do hope that I am able to play the music that God desired me to be. And that, first of all, means waiting for the right moment. And that waiting has to be of a patient endeavors. Perhaps one day, I would be playing music actively, but perhaps it may never happen. But if I am willing to be humble enough to just do music the way it should be - simply enjoyable - perhaps something may come out from there.

Perhaps. Who knows.